Monday, December 26, 2016

Texas Sky Obsession

I arrived in Dallas today.

As my friend and I were driving around Euless and Arlington, I noticed how big the sky is here. The beauty of the setting sun behind the clouds, its rays extending out was such a sight to behold. I am grateful to be here to observe God's creations. I am absolutely obsessed with the sky here.

The last time I was here with my sister-friend, at the same time, was back in 1995. I spent a weekend with her and we partied like rockstars. Granted I was only 19 at the time and unable to go to the bars, we still had a great time. My drink of choice was Zima. It was a clear malt liquor that kind of tasted like alka setzer. I was just learning what kind of alcohol I liked. At the time, I had no desire to drink beer. It tasted nasty so when I sampled Zima on a vacation to Los Angeles in the summer of 1993, it became my drink of choice. Not that I am very fond of alka-seltzer but it was better than beer. I had not even sampled hard liquor yet.

So here we are back in Texas, nearly 22 years later. We are grown now and have no desire to be in the bar except on special occasions. We rather sit in a restaurant and sip hot tea or coffee and chat it up, eat, and relax. My life is so different today than it was 22 years ago, as it should be. The one constant is our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be in a marriage and I think one has to do that to make the relationship work. My friendship with my sister-friend is one of the things that suffered because I had to put my marriage first. And I think I did right, for the sake of my marriage, but I surely missed being with my friends. I am just grateful that they are still here for me.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas 2016 Ramblings

The Christmas holiday has me feeling some kind of way so I called my cousin to book me on a flight to Texas via Los Angeles.

I am feeling restless. Looking for something, anything, to distract me from the pain of a broken relationship. Though I agree with the split now, my natural instinct would have been to tough it out and reconnect instead of throwing the relationship away. I don't know how to give up and yet at the same time, I will not wait any longer.

My life is so full and complete even without a relationship. I savor the time I get to spend with people I love instead of running off to my (ex)husband to maintain that relationship. Maybe I stopped putting him first. Perhaps that is his perception of what happened to us and why he was seeking attention outside the home. I can't call it. What I know about me is that I deserve a relationship that is fulfilling in every way -- mind, body, spirit, emotional. My first marriage was body and mind. This marriage that I just came out of was strictly emotional. The next man I let in will have to nurture me in all areas. I will not accept anything less. I deserve that!

As I sit here at the Los Angeles airport, I think of how exciting it is to have my future seemingly unwritten. There is no routine to tomorrow and that makes me happy. I looked at joining the Peace Corps just to attempt to get the tuition waiver for my service. They have locations all across the world from Fiji to Africa to everything in between. It seems so appealing and something I would really like to do. I could possibly make a life of it and re-upping every year. What I found they are looking for are people to teach English. I can do that! I also applied to Delta as a Flight Attendant. I could really dig that job. It makes pretty good money and is a non-traditional work schedule that doesn't lock me in to the M-F, 9-5 matrix. And both positions will give me more time and material to write about!

What I know for sure is that I am ready for 2017. I am ready to move forward and from beneath the grey skies. I am ready to feel the sun upon my face again and feel true joy and happiness, untethered. I thank one particular, precious soul for igniting a fire inside me again. One day, when the time is right, we will both know love again. Full and complete.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Runaway Holiday, Take Four

I am excited again as I prepare to fly out on another get-away. I am so grateful for all my friends all over the country that keep me busy and keep me looking forward to new experiences. This is my fourth trip in two months. I recount the other trips in a previous post, Endings Mean Beginnings. These trips have been so much more than just visiting a new place. I have renewed and restored broken friendships and have reignited the fire that was dying inside of me. I can't blame my ex-husband for that. For whatever reason, we were just meant for a season of our lives. I absolutely adore him or at least who he was before he realized he was unhappy with how his life was turning out. We had such good times. I cherish them and will remember them for a long time to come. All of our trips to San Francisco and other exotic destinations. Heck, we live in an exotic locale. But I have made peace in my heart and respect his choice. It is all I can do to deal with the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. I move forward. One step at a time.

I miss how he was so protective of me when he loved me. Every woman wants to feel protected. When he and I went to that Jeffrey Osborne concert that I blogged about recently, we ended up at Rumours night club to finish off the night. It was back in July. I had been looking forward to that concert for months. Even though things were already strange between my ex and I, I thought the concert would be good for us. There was some African guy that was actin' stupid and my husband went and mushed him in the face. I remember thinking how grateful I was that my husband was strong and unafraid of anyone. I also thought he was incredibly stupid for picking a fight over nonsense. We ended up leaving before we got kicked out. 

On another note, while we're at Rumours there was a woman there who kept coming near us and dancing around us. I felt her energy and I looked right at my husband and said, "Do you know her?" He didn't even answer me. 'Til this day, I'm convinced she was one of the reasons I just wasn't enough for him anymore. It could be just my imagination but I have a pretty good sense of intuition and I trust my gut. He will probably never admit to it but I don't need him to. I know who he was before we married and I know he was craving to be that single guy again.

Anyway, Christmas Day will find me on a flight to DFW to visit one of my dearest friends. The last time I visited her in Texas was back in 1995. I was living in Clovis, New Mexico with my boyfriend at the time (he turned out to be my first love slash first husband). Fusi and I have seen each other over the years but the last time we were in Texas together was way back in '95. I am looking forward to doing it up and ringing in 2017 with her, God-willing. 

She is the definition of fun... just like my dear and departed Michele. I feel so blessed to have known Michele and to still have Fusi in my life. When I think of really fun times where I laugh and laugh til I can't laugh anymore - it is these two individuals who come to mind. And yet, at the same time, we have had tender moments also where everything wasn't all laughs and giggles. But for the most part, some of the funnest times I've had has been with one of them or both of them. So I look forward to Texas and the new experiences that are on their way. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Original Poem: Rife With Energy

Wishing ever so clearly for something that is not mine

Through time and space
I have longed for love as light as a gentle summer breeze
A love that feels like an extension of me
Not forceful

A love so heavy that the world can't carry it

A love that feels like a slow burning fire

A love that feels like an electrical storm
Rife with energy so thick that it pulls in everything around it

Two atoms revolving around each other and through each other
If not in this lifetime, maybe in the next;
I would know you in any form.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Waiting & Fear of Better Options

So much of my life has been spent

I am so loyal that I put my needs and desires on the side to wait....

What am I waiting for?
A broken heart?
True love?
For lost love to come back?

I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that I am valuable and I am worthy of being loved fully and completely in every moment; right now. Just because I have been tossed aside by both husbands does not mean that there is a problem with me even though it does make me feel inadequate, at times.

Last night I went to the gym and a "gentleman caller" was there. He and I had flirted online recently and even went as far as making plans to meet up. He did end up going to the meeting place and I did not. So last night when we seen each other, we did the regular kiss-on-the-cheek-Hawaii-greeting, said a few words, and I walked out. It eventually led to us talking on FB later that evening. Back and forth. Back and forth until I had to drive and couldn't respond. We have quite a long history of knowing each other. He pursued me once when I was 18 and he was 22. He is a nice looking man with a very nice body that all the ladies can appreciate. He can also be a sweetheart too but I've only known him to be a real alpha male, king-of-the-jungle, hot-head type. He has a quick temper.

Why do I tell that story?
Well, why am I not allowing myself to date and just go out and have fun?
Is it because I feel like I have to wait for lost love to come back to me? And with lost love, there are never any guarantees that they will return. Odds are that they probably will not come back. So why am I waiting around like it will?

A dear confidant sent me a commercial that shows a psychiatrist explaining, "Beth, you have FOBO."
"What is FOBO?"
FEAR of Better Options

I was really rocked by her saying that mostly because I never considered looking outward. I have loved only two men in my life. To look for someone else was unthinkable. Why would I want to learn about someone new? Why do I want to go through the trouble of learning to be with someone else and all of their habits and ways?

I knew my first husband since 1994. We married in 1997. Divorced in 2003. That is a lot of time to invest in getting to know someone. I look back at love letters that I wrote to him in the past, when we were both single people, and I was really waiting around for him. Waiting for him to realize that I was a good woman. Waiting for him to love me back with the same passion that I had. We met when I was 18 - the prime of my life. He was 29. I was in College surrounded by horny, single men and all I wanted was him. I waited for him to want me back. Why did I do that? Even back then, did I have a Fear of Better Options or was it because I had settled into a familiar comfort with him?

Enter second husband. We met and married in 2003 and here we are in 2016, newly divorced. I used to hang on his every word and his every emotion. I truly respected him and had sincere and genuine love for him. Even now, I look back at our good times and the fun we used to have and feel gratitude for those moments. The past couple of months have been a trial in patience and me learning to flow like water and to not resist what is happening in my life. If I don't talk to him, I'm okay but we just spent the last 13 years together and I miss his presence in my day-to-day. And those 13 years was precious time that I invested in the hope of FOREVER. Now, as I navigate this new freedom, I feel stuck wanting him to want US again. Am I waiting? Why am I waiting?

And this idea of being fearful of better options. Am I afraid of possibility? Most of me wants the comfort and familiarity of the love that I lost. Having this kind of tunnel vision, this desire for lost love, makes me so vulnerable instead of wide open to possibility. Today I choose to be wide open.

Really, what I desire is someone to love me fully and completely right now. I don't want to wait.... anymore. I am swept away in a longing for romantic professions of eternal love but more than that, I want action and yet I cannot go down that path again. My second husband, in our short courtship before we married, swept me away in a sea of action so quick and steady that there weren't any options but to marry him. His romantic gestures were so grand in expectation that I fell hard and quick. I recognize that and I vow to make different choices this time around.

I will make different choices. Choices that honors my destiny and my authentic path. Life is a meandering river with rapids and quiet lulls, stony paths, waterfalls, and beautiful views! I am riding along its banks or maybe I am smack dab in the middle of its width; one thing is for sure, my life has gathered new energy, a new zeal for living. The grey skies have parted and I move forward with intent. New love will not be my purpose but an extension of my purpose. And when he, whoever he is, makes himself available and exclusive to me it is because we have become extensions of each other, electrons orbiting around each other and through each other. I look forward with hopeful eyes that love will find me again but I am not waiting anymore. I am wide open to possibility!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Birthday Wishes On the Wind

Tomorrow is his birthday.

And what I wish for him today and always is that the years will be kind to him.

I miss him in my day to day.
I miss talking to him.
I miss the comfort of his presence.
I miss his face.
I miss cooking for him.... for us.
I miss his smile and how we would laugh together.
I miss making plans.

Yes, plans.
I miss planning forever with him.

I pray our paths will cross again
For any reason at all
But I know that we will never be
Because this is the path that he has chosen for himself
And consequently, he has placed me on my own path as well.

So for today and always, my wish is that you find
Whatever it is you are looking for
And that your life will be full and complete
May you find joy, everlasting
And the magic that waits for all of us.

Happy Birthday Forever Love.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Photo Blog: TEXAS San Antonio

You can click on the first pic and arrow through the pictures. 

San Antonio was unusually cold during my visit. It went as low as the 30's and as high as the 50's. Enjoy the pictures. I had a great time cruising the waterways of River Walk. It is a beautiful location for anything romantic. 

Friday, December 09, 2016

It Seems Like It's Falling Apart

One never really knows where life will take us. Some days we have it all figured out and everything is right in the world. Other days, not so much.

I search for inspiration in my daily life longing for creative expression in my writing, in my photography, and in my work. It appears that I feel most creative when I am in the depths of struggle even more than when I am in love. It is as if I am inspired by my pain and yet I have a need to shake the misery of lost love and get back to being joyful... alone. I don't need to be a part of a pair to be happy. Loneliness is a state of mind and I feel increasingly content with walking this life journey alone.

One of our conversations between the ex and I, I remember him telling me that the next man I marry would be very lucky to have me because I am such a good woman. His statement just about sent a dagger right through my heart. If I would be a great catch for another man, why didn't he want me? I will never understand his logic except that it is obvious that this good woman is not good enough for him.

The old paradigm of wanting another man to sweep me off my feet no longer applies to me. I always said that if my 2nd marriage ever met its demise that I would prefer to be alone instead of hitching myself to another. I still feel that way. Marriage does a number on a person's individuality. I will not compromise who I am and what I want from life anymore. One tends to do it to maintain a relationship. We sacrifice parts of ourself to operate as a pair. I have done that for a good portion of my life and it's time to really "do me." ...and I don't really know what "doing me" means yet.

I find myself immersed in love songs. As of late, I have had Lyfe Jennings on repeat. The lyrics of his modern ballad, I Will Always Love You, puts me in some kind of mood. I want to think that I have made a lasting impression on the man that I loved and I keep a small flame burning for the memories we've created together. Thirteen years is a long time to struggle through only to call it quits in the end. My only peace is that I see my star rising so clearly and I am grieved that I will not share that success with him; that my adventures will be solo from now on. We were such a great team but I suppose it was just meant for a season. I pray God's protection for him all the days of his life.

Have my trips to the mainland been about "doing me" or about escaping my reality? I think it has been both. Certainly I have reached out for something I have thought about for a very long time and in doing so I have opened a pandora's box. I don't know where this goes nor do I want to define it or label it. I have no expectation or desired outcome outside of the here and now. I have a strong desire to live in each moment and not think of tomorrow's consequences and it makes me quite the hedonist. I am okay with that. No restrictions. No boundaries except the ones I place on myself. Let any happiness I feel in each moment here be full and complete if only for a time. I am grateful for the space and time I am in right now and that the fabric of my dreams have become a reality.

Though my world seems as if it is falling apart, I know it is moving in a direction best suited to the development of my soul. I honor that and welcome it into my life. I will not look back at what was or put weight on the memories that were created. I can only move forward and I choose that today. Today I choose to flow like water and ride this wave to wherever it is taking me.

Friday, December 02, 2016

...When One Is Born From the Last...

The way it was told to me goes like this:
Quick Review - King Drac saves the kingdom but wifey dies, but she gives him all her blood to save their son. She tells him she will see him in her next life. 800 years later they run into each other and she is drawn to him and he to her.
With that great review, I had to make some time to watch Dracula Untold. I was not expecting a love story at all but it was indeed a love story mixed with great action scenes and computer graphics. 

There was one particular scene that made me tear up. Prince Vlad is experiencing angst over his decision to be a vampire to save his people and defeat the Turks. He must send his wife away to the monks while he remains behind to finish the Turks. His beautiful wife tells him, remember our vows?
Why think separately of 
this life and the next
when one is born 
from the last
The words of the poem - so easy and beautiful. A google search reveals that that poem is a verse in Love and Death by Rumi. Prince Vlad and his wife embrace, they kiss as they part ways. Prince Vlad heading into battle to single-handedly defeat the Turk army with his supernatural, vampiric powers. His Princess leaving with their child to flee from the chaos. Their passion for each other was so real on the screen. I felt like I was peeking in on a private moment between a real couple rather than two actors. There was a sense of urgency that was almost tangible.

My niece recently played the starring role in her school's rendition of AIDA. I was so moved by her performance. I am so proud of how talented and smart my nieces and nephews are and that's not a biased opinion. They really are so smart and so respectful and so talented. I am so grateful that they have such good parents to guide them on this life journey.

The short story line behind AIDA is kind of similar to how Dracula Untold was explained to me -- it's about a romance that spans several lifetimes. Aida is enslaved by an Egyptian general. He gives Aida as a gift to his fiancee, the Pharoah's daughter. However, the attraction between the general and Aida grows and they become lovers right under the nose of the Pharoah's daughter. When their love affair is discovered, the Pharoah's daughter sentences them to death and the mercy she gives them is that they may be entombed together. The closing scene shows the general and Aida being entombed. Immediately after, the same two characters that played Aida and the general appear on stage in different clothing, from a different era, looking at the tomb of the two lovers. They look at each other as if there is something familiar between them and thus another love affair, in another lifetime begins again.

This brings me back to the significance of the poem:
Why think separately of this life and the next when one is born from the last?
I want to think that the relationships I have here and in this world were born from the last... not just the romantic ones but all of the friendships and familial ties! I think of a particular instance when my #3 niece was just learning to talk. She was probably two or three and we were having this very intense discussion about something. I can't recall. She turned to me and said, "Remember Aunty? It happened when I was bigger than you." Without skipping a beat, I asked her what we looked like and she went on and on about it and then suddenly stopped and changed the subject. I could not get her back to revisiting the lifetime when she was bigger than me. Since that moment, this niece of mine has a special place in my heart because of her remembrance of our lifetime before.

With the demise of both of my marriages, I feel like maybe there might be something wrong with me. That somehow, the way I deal with things in a relationship is not conducive to fostering longevity. So if I did indeed know both of my husbands from a previous lifetime and we repeat these same relationships then I suppose I am not learning a thing. There is something I am doing that causes the failure of the relationship even though I have a great desire to be loved and to give love completely and through all generations of time. I love to be in love. I want these love affairs to move in sync from lifetime to lifetime.

I am reminded of Erykah Badu's song, Next Lifetime. She talks about how she's in a relationship, maybe a marriage, but felt a strong attraction to another man. She is resigned to the fact that nothing can come of their mutual attraction to each other. Instead, she tells him that she'll see him NEXT LIFETIME. I can say, emphatically, that I have never allowed myself to be attracted to another man while I was married. I pride myself on my stubborn loyalty to both men that I was married to. When I say "I Do," I really mean it. I may not be the best girlfriend but I am a damn loyal wife.

Now that my world has opened up again, I am allowing myself to feel attraction again. I am opening up my energy field to the men around me. While I was married, I closed that part of me off to anyone. My love energy was not available to anyone but my husband. I'm sad that he allowed himself to be attracted to other women and rather be single and free. I have been thinking of him so often in the past couple of days. I hope he is well. I hope he is happy. I've always wanted that for him even if it's without me. I wish him happiness and joy. Though I miss him so much, it's more because I just spent the last thirteen years sharing the same space with him. The man he has become in the last year is definitely not the one that I married so he can continue on in his evolution / devolution. One day, maybe in my/our next lifetime, we will get it right and we both can heal the parts of us that are hurting. I suppose the same could be said of the other man I loved so completely (my first husband). **heavy sigh**


Monday, November 28, 2016

Endings Mean Beginnings

December 7th can't come quick enough. I am going on another trip off the island and I.AM.SO.EXCITED. The thing about endings is that it also means new beginnings. I took two weeks to mourn the break-up with my ex-husband. I am amazed at how quickly I am bouncing back. He held my heart for thirteen years and was a wonderful husband if we exclude the current year. I will cherish the good memories and who knows what tomorrow will bring? At this point, I am still upset about the break-up because it is not what I would have chosen but I hold no ill-will towards him. I wish him the best on his journey. I suppose I'm angry because the break-up means CHANGE. And change is always hard. I am not minimizing how much I love/loved him but he has obviously moved on and so must I. I cannot go back in time, to that place where we first started drifting apart. All I can do is move forward, place one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I worry about him from time to time but our last conversation was not very nice. We both have very little patience for each other. I am just ready for it to all be over. The only thing keeping us semi-connected is our joint debt. Mortgage, credit card, and line of credit. As soon as our house is sold, I can move forward in wonderful freedom!

This December 7th trip will be the third trip in a matter of weeks. The two before this were quite magical. The first trip was kind of a ghost mission - very incognito and secret. Very few people know where I disappeared to that second week in October. I really needed to get off the rock and distance myself from the man that was stomping all over my heart. It will forever remain a special weekend, one that I will cherish til I am old and gray. I feel like I came alive that weekend and could feel my heart putting itself back together. I felt like I had really stepped away from the darkness of heartache and into the light of true love. The end of one relationship has initiated a new beginning as I remember to take care of "just me" and not worry about being a good wife or a good woman for someone else.

Two weeks after the "ghost trip," I found myself once again on a plane. This time I was headed to Maryland. My sweet cousin (she and I pictured together) thought it fitting to buy my airfare so I could get some head space far away from the tragedy happening in my life. I had not known when I left Hawai'i but the day I flew out is the day that the divorce was ordered by the judge. When I returned from Maryland, I received the final decree of divorce on what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. Go figure. One last "stick-it-to-me" from the old ex. I will be just fine. From time to time, he will pop up in my mind and I feel a tinge of sadness that we are not in regular contact but for the most part, I am so ready to let it all go. Anyway -- Maryland, just like the "ghost trip", was magical. The highlight of the trip was my special date to see Maxwell and Mary J. Blige. I had so much fun with my friends and my cousins and my special date that there is really nothing to mourn anymore. The freedom I have gained is staggering. I am amazed and excited to see where life may take me. Whether I am steeling myself for another broken heart or maybe brand new love, only time will tell. This Maryland trip will stay with me for all my days. The magic that happened is irreplaceable and will never, ever be duplicated.

The newness of things happening in my life has an old, familiar feel that is so deep and so difficult to express. I am grateful for the magic of new beginnings. I am grateful for the direction in my life that illuminates a clear path with a clear rising star that guides me on this journey.

December 7th cannot come fast enough. Every day I thank my lucky stars for the person I see in the mirror. I am grateful that I have a fabulous inner circle that constantly encourages me to be the best me. They are amazed at how I am taking this all in stride. As much as I loved my ex, I love myself more, and I have to put me above anything and everything. This is it! This is my life! Though a great love affair ended, a new one is beginning and it's where I FINALLY "do me."

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Gestures, Being Alone, & Goodbye

I was seated on a flight, on my way back to Honolulu via Minneapolis via Los Angeles. Next to me was a couple who looked about my age. The wife is not feeling well. Her husband reaches over and rubs her back. The gesture is so simple and so thoughtful and has me wondering when my ex-husband stopped feeling that way about me. It would be easier for me to transition to single life if I would just stop imagining and making up stories in my head. I have a difficult time with that right now. My broken heart is still so fresh.

I don't like to think that I am defined by my relationship but as I review the last 13 years, I have done just that. What I really need is to be alone and not jump into another relationship so quickly. I need to "do me" for a minute before I let anyone back into my world. And yet I love to be in love. I love the feeling of butterflies in my belly.

Whoever "she" is, I hope she's good to him because he walked away from 13 years of marriage for a few weeks of flirting. I get it. It's exciting to have someone pique your interest. When guys would approach or flirt with me, I never acted on any of it but unfortunately he is. No one could ever doubt my loyalty. Sometimes, in a relationship, people have to push through the times when it's difficult to even like each other. This past year, he and I were both unhappy. He told me that he didn't want to waste anymore time or realize twenty years from now that he was unhappy the entire time.

My heart is so broken that he would treat me with such little regard after all that we have been through. He will never, ever have the opportunity to be with me again. Never. All the overly-romanticized sentiments of new heartache and professions of loving him forever are misplaced affection and I am done. Goodbye.

Today, I choose to care for my own heart and stop worrying about being a good wife or good woman. The best woman I can be is the one that lives my most empowered life. When he witnesses the magnitude of my life and the strength and power of my words, he will realize how small he is in comparison. And we both will understand why we could NEVER BE. Why his light could not match mine. Why the smallness of his mind could not realize how open my mind is to the wide expanse of the universe. My life is powerful and will fill the world with beautiful stories and emotions from words on a page and he will move forward as he always has... short-sighted vision.

My star is rising.
And I will walk this path all by myself.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Happy Almost-13th-Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I can't say why he would throw it all away. All I can do is move forward with my life.

In the days immediately following him telling me he wanted a divorce, I told him that I would love him forever. He emphatically stated, with much confidence, that WE will never be again; that HE will never see me in that light. He said that he would still like to be friends and that he would always look out for me. It seems a sweet thing to say except that he had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it so it was more heartbreaking than it was sweet.

Even though I said those words to him, that I would love him romantically forever, I have to move forward. I cannot wait for him. I will not wait for him to come back to me because that is an unknown factor that I refuse to waste any time on. Whatever he's going through, he has made it clear that I am not his confidant to help him through it. His desire to be single and free is above anything that we ever had together. It makes me sad but that does not devalue who I am. I have to be okay with that. I have to take him at face value and believe him when he says he will never love me romantically again.

So today, I let go of the idea of us and I open myself up to the adventures ahead. I love to be in love. I love the feeling of being truly, madly, deeply in love with someone and that that someone can mirror my intensity. It's funny how the world works and how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Though I choose not to marry any time soon, I know that I will love again. And this next time might be the right time. And that new love will grow and grow. And that my heart and my body, and my mind, and my soul will be cherished and never taken for granted.

Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring whether I will walk through life alone all my days or that I will find a mate. All I know is that my heart has let go of what could be with my ex and I am now embracing every tomorrow, moment by moment. I will look for the magic and the bliss that comes with falling in love. And I will look for that truly, madly, deeply feeling. Everyone deserves happiness including my ex and I wish him well on his journey. I harbor no ill feelings toward him and I take full responsibility for the part I played in the demise of our relationship.

Happy almost-13th-wedding anniversary to you, ex-husband. You are still so beautiful to me but you have chosen your path and I only wish you well. Step In The Name of Love!

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Finally... MAXWELL in Concert

I attended a Maxwell & Mary J. Blige concert this past Saturday. I spoke of it in a previous post and how seeing Maxwell has been on my bucket list for the last twenty years. Now, I can officially check this off the list. It was everything and more than I expected to experience. Our seats were, seriously, the BEST seats in the house! We were right in front of the part of the stage that extended into the audience. My date was into Mary J. Blige and I was there for Maxwell.

We arrived at the venue at about 6:15 p.m. and secured parking right across the street. I felt beautiful in a cute denim mini dress, thigh high stocking, and brown boots with gold accessories. I can't lie, my date made me feel so beautiful, so desired, and cared for with his deliberate attentiveness to me and my needs. He wore black slacks, a khaki colored button-down, accented with a rose-toned Invicta watch. We looked sharp together.

We entered the concert without any problems. We had to pass through security, a metal detector, and a gentle pat down. We had no problems with our QR tickets on my mobile phone. As we made our way to the floor, I could not contain the butterflies in my belly. I was nervous because of my obsession with Maxwell. The anticipation of 20 years of listening to his music and wanting to see him perform live was just minutes away from becoming a reality. As a teenager, I remember having a similar obsession with Johnny Gill.

Mary J. Blige did her thing.... the girl power I felt from her gave me chills. Right when her set began, a couple walked up to me and said I was in their seats. My date was getting drinks so was not able to deal with the situation. The young man and his date went and got an usher to attempt to remove me from my seat. He showed me his tickets and my name was all over it. I told the usher that my name was on his tickets. He had purchased his tickets from StubHub and I had purchased mine from Ticketmaster. The usher said that we had to go to the ticket office to resolve the issue. When I got to the ticket office, the woman said that Ticketmaster was the approved vendor so I was the rightful owner of the tickets. I was upset because that incident made me lose about twenty minutes of Mary J. I want to say that she did a 90 minute to two-hour set. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it thoroughly and appreciated the selection of our seats. We really did have the best seats in the house. There was lots of room to dance and access to the aisle was easy because we were at the end of the row. My date joked that we were so close that he could see Mary J's nipples. Random! We had a good laugh about it. Mary J. looks fantastic. It has to be hard to live in the public eye and to go through a break-up and have the world criticize her life. She has great stage presence and sounded great.

From what I was able to catch of Mary J. I would have to say my favorite part of her show was her NO MORE DRAMA montage. The large screen displayed all the headlines of her break up with her manager and husband. I love that she confronted the issue head-on. It only endears her fans to her. I also loved when she did I CAN LOVE YOU. The song was/is relevant to me. I sang and danced and did things on this date, during this song that I'm sure was quite a show for those around us. That's probably another post though. There was a brief intermission after Mary J. while the stage crew set up for Maxwell.

My phone was nearly out of battery by the time Maxwell made it to the stage. I had to be selective on what songs I filmed and what pictures I took. Maxwell took my breath away. His well-fitted suit was so sharp and classic. I dream of going on a date with a man dressed in a suit. There were several men in the audience that were dressed in suits with their dates. It was a beautiful thing to see. It makes the occasion extra special.

Maxwell is an excellent performer! His voice so smoothe and so very beautiful. I loved everything about his performance. I saved what little battery I had left to film THIS WOMAN'S WORK. I posted the video at the end of this entry. I apologize for my horrible singing and for my gushing affection, "I love you Maxwell!!!"

Part of my obsession with Maxwell is because of the memories it brings up. At the time his first CD was released, Urban Hang Suite, I was in love with the man who would become my first husband. My obvious favorite track from that CD was Whenever, Wherever, Whatever. It is the most beautiful love song. The simple string instruments coupled with his soul-stirring, falsetto voice is dreamy and the lyrics of the song captured how I felt at that moment in my life. Just tonight, I pulled out the love letters I wrote to the man who became my first husband and was reminded of how much I loved that man. He was my first love; the man who received my heart with wild and complete abandon. My discovery of Maxwell happened on the heels of him asking my father for my hand in marriage. We were engaged on Valentines Day 1996 and married in January 1997. It seems that Maxwell's music was the theme for the beginning of our marriage.

My date took several photos of me in front of the stage. I am grateful he was willing. I have a sneaky suspicion that he knows the significance of Maxwell to me. I am glad we were able to be in the same time and space to experience this.

After the concert, we left without incident. We went over to the parking garage. I was singing all the way. I was so euphoric and filled with happiness for having seen Maxwell perform live. I am so grateful for my life and for the freedom I feel today. I love you Maxwell!!

Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Maryland Adventures: Part I

I arrived in Maryland on Saturday, October 29th. It has been non-stop adventure with my BestFRIENDforever, BooBoo. This is the first time I am visiting this place and it is definitely not my last. My cousin Marie sent for me. I call it a divorce party gift. I really needed to get off the island and reconnect with ME. Since being out here, I have been feeling like the island is too small for me and my ex. If he wants to stay there, I can't be there. I can't run into him with another woman. That would just break my heart all over again. He, obviously, is not having a problem moving on and I need to move in a direction away from him. Detox from his brand of love.

The first night I arrived, I accompanied BooBoo and her husband to a family Masquerade Party. It was so much fun. The music was great and the feel-good atmosphere was great. Even with the heaviness of the hurt I feel, I managed to smile and enjoy myself. BooBoo and I had similar dresses on. She picked my mask for me and my outfit so when I arrived, it was a done deal. All I needed to do is show up and get dressed. I felt beautiful, which is crazy considering the emotions I have been feeling since getting divorced. The amount of rejection I feel since he said he wanted a divorce is overwhelming. Often, I question what I look like and if I'm really the good woman I think I am. I look in the mirror and wonder what it is about me that repulses him now, when he used to love me so deeply.

Something I have enjoyed looking at in Baltimore are the buildings. After the masquerade, we drove around the city - Fells Point and the Inner Harbor Area. It's a fun city. We didn't get out of the car, which I'm glad about because the heels I was rockin' was killing me. So we cruised through the city and I snapped shots of the buildings I was especially mesmerized by. They have row houses here that are so great to look at. Though I don't know the history of Baltimore yet, the buildings look like they're from another time. I love the lines and the different dimensions of the windows, the paned glass, the moulding, and all the trim indicating another era.

Sunday - I accompanied Booboo and Skeet to his mother's home for Sunday dinner. It was nice. The hospitality of Skeet's family reminds me of my own. His mother put a meal down that was so delicious and I am grateful. Crab cakes. Battered shrimp. Glazed chicken wings. Mac and cheese. Cabbage. It was delicious. We ended the night playing Texas Hold Em. I lost $15 but it was all fun and games.
Monday/ Halloween - Booboo, Tyrel, and I went to lunch. I am so proud of the young man Tyrel has become. He is responsible, keeps a steady job, and takes care of himself. He will be 20 this year. Time has flown by so quickly. We ended the evening taking Kaimani, Booboo's 2nd son, trick-or-treating. For all the walking we did, I was surprised by how little candy he received. I mean his bucket was not even full. He was dressed as a pirate and was the cutest pirate too.

As I walked around with my fam, all I could think about was my ex-husband and how I wish we were experiencing Maryland together. I walked in silence. Skeet and I had a short convo about how I blocked him on my phone. He told me that I couldn't just cut him off after 13 years of being together but I can't communicate with him. I can't be just a friend and every time I hear his voice or see him, I just want to disappear. It is torture to love someone so much and not feel it in return. I really do wish him the best and maybe one day I will let go of the anger and be able to be civil to him. Today is not that day.

Messages In Song: HELLO Erykah Badu f. Andre 3000

Sometimes you come across a song that hits you like a ton of bricks. This one did it to me. Is there a message behind the lyrics? **shrugs**


[Chorus: Erykah Badu]
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello

[Verse 1: André 3000]
Okay, challenge
Leave your phone unlocked and right side up
Walk out the room without throwin' your bitch off balance
It's either on or off, ain't no in between when it's valid
I seem to wanna talk more and more 'bout what really matters
I've seen my aura hop out my torso and hit her backwards
Flip watchin' you skip down my corridor, fuck a ballad
Don't need shit on the side no more, all entreé, fuck a salad
I often have awesome thoughts of tossin' this softer palate
So when we fall any wall, any stall, any crawl, any pause
Any scar, any tar, any dark will dissolve, kill them all
Build-a-bear, build them all, build it where it won't fall
Give it all, give it my all, yeah
Don't wear any drawers, any bra, anymore, in it raw, isn't it raw?
I'm in awe, I'm involved, common law, cummin' on stomach wall
Kermit frog jump off London fog
Bridges in the midst of callgirls my woman calls
Unicorn, you my porn

[Bridge: André 3000]
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know
Will this bitch click over for me?
I mean will this woman click over for me?
Over for me? Over for me?
Is it over for me? Over for me? Over for me?
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know
Is this bitch gettin' over on me?
If I go there will she go there with me?
Should I, I not be so open, I mean?
Open, I mean? You know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
I don't know
I don't know I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know (I don't know)
Will this bitch click over for me?
I mean will this woman click over for me?
Over for me? Over for me?
Is it over for me? Over for me? Over for me?
I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know
Is this bitch gettin' over on me?
If I go there will she go there with me?
Should I, I not be so open, I mean?
Open, I mean? You know what I mean?
Know what I mean?

[Chorus: Erykah Badu]
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello

[Verse 2: Erykah Badu]
Hello, it's me, it's me, baby
I thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much but something's wrong
Something that said it doesn't last too long, too long
Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine, mine, mine, mine, mine
But I can't help it, baby

[Verse 3: André 3000]
See you, see you
I see it that you want, as much as I do you
I take for granted, that you're always there
I take for granted, that you just don't care
And sometimes
It's just too hard to see it through, babe
And that's why

[Outro: Erykah Badu + André 3000]
It's important to me
That you know you are free
Cause I never want to make you change
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe


Sunday, October 23, 2016

DrownDeep Hula

The message said DrownDeep Hula.

It's amazing what those words evoked. Images from time so long ago.

I forgot all about that song. The distinct bass line. The dreamy sound, as if he is submerged under water. And the lyrics? The lyrics are mysterious and delicious and requires the listener to make an emotional connection to the writer.

His music is so unique.
Lyrics so unique.

I have obsessed over Maxwell since he first landed on the Neo-Soul/R&B scene. And I added seeing him perform to my bucket list over twenty years ago. I am going to check this off my list soon, like within two weeks.

I can only focus on the goodness in my life since the horrible interruption on September 21st. By September 28th we were signing the divorce papers. The pain was intense for those first two weeks. At times it was hard to see even a few hours ahead of me. If someone would ask me what I was going to do for dinner, I just could not plan that far ahead. My heart was just so broken. This Maxwell concert is the right thing to have so that I can focus on something bigger than me and see past today's hurt.

**heavy sigh**

I am going to be okay. That's what I keep telling myself. I tell myself that my soon-to-be ex husband needs to be away from me to unravel his unhappiness and get back to being joyful. It hurts when someone tells you that they just don't love you anymore. I don't know anyone that can just shut off their feelings like that. Heck, my first husband said those same words to me when he divorced me. I can't say how that happens. I often think about what would have happened if I had let the first husband back into my world before I eloped with the second husband. Nobody knows.

What I do know is that when I love someone in that romantic way, I love hard. I love unconditionally. I give my everything. And I have loved only two men in this way and they both were my husbands. My friends tell me I'm lucky to have loved like that at all. Some people go through life never experiencing love like this. Do I thank my lucky stars? Sure. But break-ups are so hard. They are so taxing on me and yet I feel so alive.

The last year has been so rough within my failed marriage. Both he and I were ready for a change. I had two job offers over the summer. One I turned down because my husband said I should stay where I'm at even though I was unhappy there. My respect for him as the head of the household convinced me that I should listen. Now we've split and I hold a degree of resentment toward him for that. I guess we should always listen to our inner voice. He went through some rough patches also with his job that eventually led to him quitting even without having another job waiting. I supported him in that. I told him that no one should be that unhappy at a place that they have to spend eight hours a day at. So I told him to QUIT! And he did. He quit, he went home to see his little sister graduate from college, and life was still good.

**heavy sigh**

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Revisiting My Journal from 2003

I did a dumb thing this morning.

I pulled out my journal from 2002-2003. I cried and cried as I read through the pages.

Back in 2003, my ex-ex husband Dallas (not his real name) asked for a divorce. Just five days later I met my current soon-to-be ex husband, Reggie (not his real name). As I read my journal, I noticed the emotion on the paper and how it was so raw and untethered. Reading those pages, I re-experienced falling so madly in love. Reggie brought me back to life after being broken down and now, ironically, he is the source of my heartache. Oh how I wish we could have stayed in that bubble of falling in love. It was full of magic and bliss.

How was I able to fall in love with Reggie while mourning the loss of my marriage to Dallas?

I suppose my love affair with Reggie happened so quickly because I was starving for affection. I had spent nine years of my life trying to make shit work with Dallas. I was so loyal. So down for him. When he asked for the divorce, I had no choice but to take care of my heart and let someone else in. The evening we signed the divorce document was the last time I seen and spoke to Dallas. It was such a heartbreaking moment that I will never forget. But it gave me my freedom. I was no longer tied down to Dallas. I could do whatever I wanted without recourse.

Excerpt from my journal, dated Saturday June 7, 2003:
The craziest thing happened yesterday. Dallas called me at about 7am. I was laying in Reggie's bed and my phone rings. I look over and see the familiar number. I was flabbergasted. On Thursday I was telling BooBoo how much I missed Dallas and I how I wished I could have it all back. Then Friday rolls around and he calls. We talked for about an hour and some change. Me and him just crying like babies. Me layed up in another mans bed telling my ex-husband how much I love him. I was telling him that I have so much love to give and he was not trying to be on the receiving end. He kept telling me sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me. **heavy sigh** He said he has so much problems going on with him. So many things he hasn't really let go of. Just when I think everything is done, and I have fully let go of him, he pops back into my life and blows my mind away. I STILL love him so much like I've never loved any man. And I want it all back. At the same time - after all the hurt - how can I take him back?

You know I love me some Reggie but not the way I love Dallas. I don't think anyone can fill those shoes but at the same time there was so much hurt. And I told him I could overlook it all if he could start from today and do me right. **heavy sigh** I don't know how I should be feeling. Why is he doing this to me? Is he trying to put closure on this or is he trying to get back in my world? I don't know.  I just don't know what the heck is going on. I mean, just when I think it's done and over with he pops back in. And for what????

Dallas calls me at work and we go into greater detail about our relationship. He proceeds to tell me EVERYTHING I needed to hear when we were married. Like how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And how I am such a good wife and that most women wouldn't stick by through half of the mess we been through. I cried and cried and cried. He cried. We talked for hours. He told me he didn't wanna die alone or grow old alone. How is it possible for me to love a man that has nothing left to give? Why do I feel it necessary to love men that need healing? I'll never understand. I love me some Dallas. I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with him.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Not So Intertwined

I am feeling more and more like myself.

When I'm with people, I tend to go into auto-pilot mode and my sparkling personality shines through.

But when I am alone, I hear love songs, and shed tears. Today's trigger song was Keshia Cole's, I Remember.

I wish I could shake the blues every time it creeps up on me but I need to feel these emotions, mourn it, and move on. My 45-minute commute to work this morning found me pouring tears. I feel so helpless to these emotions and I desperately want all of this to be over.

Judging on my relationship with my ex-ex husband and the length of time it took to shake him from my emotional landscape, I am going to be in this for some time. And I vow to do things differently this time. When my ex-ex husband and I divorced, I jumped so quickly into another relationship and now that relationship has come to an end after 13 years. My heart is always so willing and so open to love and romance. This time has to be different though.

I have sworn off marriage. There is just no way that I can enter another committed relationship like that. And this could be me talking right now but I just cannot feel the highs of falling in love and the depths of a break-up again. Maybe it's better that I stay steady, alone. It's not that I am cynical; far from that. I still believe in love but I just cannot put my heart on the line again. I don't have it in me to do it all over again. I am 41 years old and I'd rather not try to learn to be with someone new. I can't. I don't want to.

I always toot my own horn about my ability to be a good wife and a good woman. Yet and still, I have two failed marriages under my belt. I cannot explain the whens and whys. Of course, it always crosses my mind that either my selection in men is horrible or that I'm not as good a woman as I think I am. I can't call it.

Last night I went to a local watering hole called The Shack. Seated next to me was an older, Caucasian gentlemen. He was paying the tab and we chatted all evening long. He spoke so fondly of his deceased wife and how they had celebrated their 40th anniversary before she passed. I told him that they don't make men like that anymore. Based on my two failed marriages, both men walked out on the relationship. Divorce was not my choice in either case. When I take the vow of marriage, it means that I will never give up even when shit gets hard. Even when things are monotonous and it feels as if all we're doing is going through the motion. I believe that we can work to make the relationship brand new, given time. I only wish that my type of love were mirrored.

I can say that I have two great loves in my life. They both ended in a quick and concise divorce. Days after announcing they wanted a divorce, I was signing uncontested papers. My heart hurts double and yet I remember these two great loves. Maybe I'm lucky to have fallen in love twice. Maybe not. I can only think about myself now and not be so intertwined in the habit of being in love.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Misty-Eyed Love

I found a video today of my soon to be ex-husband telling me he loves me.

It made me instantly tear up because I remember when he looked at me with such affection. He is definitely  not that same man and I miss that man.The man I am getting right now, through this divorce, is definitely not the one that married me.

Nobody really teaches you how to love or even how to end love. Though he and I are cordial, I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his life mate, his partner, his travel companion, like how we have been for the last thirteen years. I am the definition of ride-or-die chick. Even now, I am still down for him. The adventures we have had together is enough to fill a lifetime. I can only imagine all the things we could do in the future and how powerful we could be together.

A friend of mine called me late one night to ask me how I was doing. She was watching my posts on Facebook and wondered what was going on with me. When I told her that we had already completed divorce proceedings, she was floored. She told me that he and I were the couple that she wanted to emulate in her relationship. The way he and I worked together to get the things we wanted always amazed her. She admired us, wanted to be like us, and was so sad that we were calling it quits. She is not the first person to mention this to me. And I get it.

The thing is, he and I have had such a great relationship. Up until six months ago, we really were a power couple that loved each other. I can count several things that led to our demise but can't pin point exactly which one sealed our fate. I can only wish good things for him and that one day he will look back on our relationship with fond appreciation. I am misty-eyed now when I think of all of our happy times. I will miss him all the days of my life.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Unravel the Emotions

The only empty seat was next to me.

A young gentleman sat down. In his hand he held a pen and a note-card size booklet. He was writing.

I was so intrigued that this young man was writing to pass the time.
He was not playing on a smartphone nor was his ears covered with BEATS.

Not texting. Not typing.


I asked him if he writes all the time.

He said that writing is the only thing that gets him through his day. I can so relate. We had a short conversation about writing and about journals we have kept over the years. It was nice to run into a kindred soul and to connect on the love of writing.

I cannot quite pinpoint when I started my love affair with writing. It's like it was always a part of me. I learned to read when I was three and writing came soon after that. I feel so very deeply in my soul that I was made to tell stories, to tell my story, and to create art from all the pain and sadness I have experienced. I have a deep longing to feel joy again and yet, so much creative energy has arisen from the extreme grief I am experiencing.

When I journal, I bare my soul. Here, on this blog, I keep some bits of information private. But it is in the writing and the thinking through the events happening in my life that I am able to let go of some of the emotion that is pent up.
It is on the pages of my journal that I unravel the emotions that would seek to destroy me.

I look through my blog and in my journals for hints as to how I find myself at the end of a second marriage. I can't call it. What I do know is that both relationships ended with the man walking away. Both of their monologues exactly the same.
"I haven't been happy for a while."
"I don't want to be married."
"It's not you. It's me."
"You're a good woman. A really good wife."
"The spark is gone."
I don't know what to do with this information but the fact that I have my writing to look back on it and compare what happened in both relationships is priceless.

What I know is also strewn across the pages of my journals is how much love I have to give. How utterly insane I am about feeling the butterflies when I'm in love. I read my old writings and the loyalty and devotion I give freely to my husband frightens me. I have come to realize that I lose myself a little too much when I'm in a relationship and I compromise too much of who I am to please my partner. That stops now. Every tomorrow will be about making ME a priority. I promise that to myself.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Runaway Weekend 2016

Life is full of twists and turns. When you think you have it figured it out, it throws several curve balls all at once.

Relationships are complex.
It seems to be the theme of my life. Yet I know one thing. I was created to give my precious LOVE to one man with passion and LOYALTY and genuine affection. I still only want to give my soul to one man. He, on the other hand, has other plans for his life that don't include me. And I must move on and let go and I have made peace with that. I don't want to be sad anymore. I will move through this grief in the way that I know how.

Though I appreciate all the offers for dinner or lunch and cry sessions, truthfully, I am the only one that can walk through this storm. I am the only one that can feel this pain and release it from my life.

This past weekend, I ran away from it all. I needed to be away from anyone and everything familiar to me to figure out exactly what I want from my life. In a sense, I do see my path so clearly. My star is rising so brightly and the whole experience of the past couple of weeks is prodding me ever so abruptly into the light; onto the path that I was born to walk.

I find beauty in simple things especially in nature. This runaway weekend was definitely needed to remember my center, to connect with "the stuff" that I have gone without for so long. I was seeking to inhale love and forgiveness and exhale pain and resentment. I am grateful for my guide, gently holding my hand through several beautiful visions of God's world. Through space and time and the fabric of dreams, this runaway weekend was destined.

And I think to myself, WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.