Someone Waiting Home

I traveled to Las Vegas recently with my best friend. We have both had a rough couple of years with separate life trials. A Girl's Trip seemed an appropriate way to, sort of, decompress. She just went through 18 months of dealing with her young son having cancer. Thankfully, he is in remission. Me, of course, I am dealing with the divorce from my husband of thirteen years. Aside from the wonderful activities we engaged in, from shopping and gambling to attending world-class shows, much of our time was spent talking through our pent up emotions. The really deep discussions always ended up with both of us sobbing our eyes out. And actually the joyous conversations, where we celebrated our small triumphs, also ended in tears - of happiness of course.

At the end of our trip, as we made our way to separate gates, I thought to myself that she's overflowing with love (after a much needed getaway) and she gets to go home to a family that's anticipating her arrival. For a quick second I felt sorry for myself as I had no one waiting at home for me. There was no one to pick me up from the airport. There was no one that was missing me and waiting for me to come home. At the end of my journey was an empty bed and no one to share all the fun experiences I had in Vegas. There are perks to being single and being completely free to operate without permission from another person, however the perks are sometimes unfulfilling. I hope that when I do find someone who loves me the same way that I love, that he will never stifle my desire to be free.

My ex and I was texting the other day and he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said, "YES." I was surprised at how emotional I became with our conversation. He said he was not seeing anyone and reminded me how he always used to say that if we didn't work out that he would be done with relationships. And we did always say that. I said I would never marry again if we ever split NEVER thinking that we would ever split. I thought he was my forever. I didn't have a Plan B. I don't have a Plan B. I'm figuring it out every single day.

ME: I never wanted to be alone in life. I don't like being alone.
HIM: I just do
ME: To each his own. It's rough trying to get to know someone new. I'm too old for this.
HIM: Yea that's why I don't.
ME: I like being a wife.
HIM: You about to get married?
ME: No. Hell no. I'm just saying I like being a wife.

And there, that last statement explains it all.

I do like being a wife. The clearly defined roles in a relationship from the past are changing or have changed. Most modern women shy away from the domestic duties that come with relationships. I enjoy it. Serving my home is how I show my love. My love is big, It's generous. It's loyal. And I only want to share that with one person. I don't want to spread myself out even though that seems to be the trend of the dating world. In return, however, I want the same big love and loyalty and genuine affection.

As I boarded the plane in Las Vegas with the final destination being Charlotte, North Carolina, the only thing I could think of is the empty home waiting for me. And this season that I'm in, unmarried and childless, I suppose is my time to chase and achieve every single dream I have ever dreamed. There is nothing holding me back except myself. I resolved, on that flight, to not sit in self-pity because my home is empty. I resolved to fill it with all my hopes and all my dreams and with pure, self-love. I vowed to use this time, use the pain of a broken heart to push me into a life bigger than I can currently imagine for myself. My home is full of love because my heart is full of love and though my heart is a little banged up right now, I still BELIEVE in love! And why do I still believe in and search for love even after experiencing so much heart ache? In all the ways a person loves and seeks love, what is the thing that makes the pursuit of it all worthwhile?

Home. I want HIM to feel like home.

Homesick Blues

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not that one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk- and to act"

- Andre Malraux

I got that quote from one of my favorite blogs.

Husband and I are now in Utah.... a place I said I would NEVER live. We're trying it out here not because I want to but because my husband wants to. Everyday I think of home and wish I were back on my island.
So often my homesick-ness stops me dead in my tracks....
stops me from moving forward....
stops me from doing EVERYTHING...
Sometimes sending me into complete depressed mode.
Sometimes making me utterly bitter;
Contentious.
Angry.
Cynical.
Longing for HOME.

Even though there are some days that are really good, I still only think of getting home; especially when the high temp here is expected to be 54 degrees today.

We left Alabama in a hurry. I'm glad to have done so. My husband is happy as well. Our journey here has been quite an event. As a couple, we have drawn closer because all we have is each other and a few choice friends along the way. We have made great strides together in terms of personal growth. That has been the upside of this adventure.

It's only been 8-months since I left Hawai'i. The longest I've ever gone without returning to the islands has been 13 and a half months. May the Lord see fit that I return home for good... sometime soon!

Reverting back to the quote that I opened this post with, I am involved in several different projects.... all of which require a huge amount of courage to begin and see through to fruition. God willing... I will be able to successfully pull them off.

Email and Dad

My father has figured out how to forward emails.

I find his new skill to be endearing because my INBOX is now filled with fluffy, sentimental, feel-good stories of firemen assisting a kid dying of leukemia; funny stories about the state, beavers, and dam permits; laugh-out-loud stories about atheist's in the woods and Christian bears; yes, there's a pile of email in my INBOX from my dad. If it were from anyone else, I'd probably delete the email before reviewing it because I'm sure I've read the stories before. I can't count how many times people have sent me the same story. Yet, because they come from my father, I treat them as if they are all Hallmark cards and I tear up incessantly as I read them.

My father and I have always been really close. Even when I was doing things that were contrary to my upbringing, he was always very patient as I went through the hard stuff. His quiet wisdom still inspires me even though we are so far apart. There's just something about little girl's and their father's. There is no relationship on earth that can replace or mimic it. Sometimes I wish I never grew up. I wish that I could spend all my day's serving my parents but at some point, we all have to face the world on our own.

I will continue to open those sentimental emails. I will continue to imagine my father, sitting at the desk, reading them before he sends them to me. And I will imagine that I am right there in Hau'ula, where I wish I could spend all the days of my life.

Homesick For HOME

I made it across the continent. We picked up our car this past Friday in Oakland, California and drove cross-country and made it to Alabama just today. I am utterly HOMESICK this evening. I am so longing for the comforts of my island. Everything is so vast, so large, so wide here and there's no ocean in sight. I don't remember feeling this alone recently! I had to have been 4 or 5 the last time I felt like this. My parents had a little "situation" last night and that doesn't help the turmoil inside me. This move was so very hard. I have struggled every day since my husband first told me that we were making this move.

If we had stayed in Hawai'i, then he would be miserable. Here we are in Alabama and I'm miserable. I'm trying really hard to have a positive attitude. It hasn't even been 12 hours. **heavy sigh** I can't even put my finger on what exactly is causing me so much grief. I want to go home but my husband deserves happiness also. Husband never wants to return to Hawai'i to live. He's okay with visiting but not living there. I don't know what to make of that because I've always had it in my head that that is where I would spend all of my days.

Tomorrow has to be better than right now. Please let me find joy again.