Monday, December 26, 2016

Texas Sky Obsession

I arrived in Dallas today.

As my friend and I were driving around Euless and Arlington, I noticed how big the sky is here. The beauty of the setting sun behind the clouds, its rays extending out was such a sight to behold. I am grateful to be here to observe God's creations. I am absolutely obsessed with the sky here.

The last time I was here with my sister-friend, at the same time, was back in 1995. I spent a weekend with her and we partied like rockstars. Granted I was only 19 at the time and unable to go to the bars, we still had a great time. My drink of choice was Zima. It was a clear malt liquor that kind of tasted like alka setzer. I was just learning what kind of alcohol I liked. At the time, I had no desire to drink beer. It tasted nasty so when I sampled Zima on a vacation to Los Angeles in the summer of 1993, it became my drink of choice. Not that I am very fond of alka-seltzer but it was better than beer. I had not even sampled hard liquor yet.

So here we are back in Texas, nearly 22 years later. We are grown now and have no desire to be in the bar except on special occasions. We rather sit in a restaurant and sip hot tea or coffee and chat it up, eat, and relax. My life is so different today than it was 22 years ago, as it should be. The one constant is our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be in a marriage and I think one has to do that to make the relationship work. My friendship with my sister-friend is one of the things that suffered because I had to put my marriage first. And I think I did right, for the sake of my marriage, but I surely missed being with my friends. I am just grateful that they are still here for me.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas 2016 Ramblings

The Christmas holiday has me feeling some kind of way so I called my cousin to book me on a flight to Texas via Los Angeles.

I am feeling restless. Looking for something, anything, to distract me from the pain of a broken relationship. Though I agree with the split now, my natural instinct would have been to tough it out and reconnect instead of throwing the relationship away. I don't know how to give up and yet at the same time, I will not wait any longer.

My life is so full and complete even without a relationship. I savor the time I get to spend with people I love instead of running off to my (ex)husband to maintain that relationship. Maybe I stopped putting him first. Perhaps that is his perception of what happened to us and why he was seeking attention outside the home. I can't call it. What I know about me is that I deserve a relationship that is fulfilling in every way -- mind, body, spirit, emotional. My first marriage was body and mind. This marriage that I just came out of was strictly emotional. The next man I let in will have to nurture me in all areas. I will not accept anything less. I deserve that!

As I sit here at the Los Angeles airport, I think of how exciting it is to have my future seemingly unwritten. There is no routine to tomorrow and that makes me happy. I looked at joining the Peace Corps just to attempt to get the tuition waiver for my service. They have locations all across the world from Fiji to Africa to everything in between. It seems so appealing and something I would really like to do. I could possibly make a life of it and re-upping every year. What I found they are looking for are people to teach English. I can do that! I also applied to Delta as a Flight Attendant. I could really dig that job. It makes pretty good money and is a non-traditional work schedule that doesn't lock me in to the M-F, 9-5 matrix. And both positions will give me more time and material to write about!

What I know for sure is that I am ready for 2017. I am ready to move forward and from beneath the grey skies. I am ready to feel the sun upon my face again and feel true joy and happiness, untethered. I thank one particular, precious soul for igniting a fire inside me again. One day, when the time is right, we will both know love again. Full and complete.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Runaway Holiday, Take Four

I am excited again as I prepare to fly out on another get-away. I am so grateful for all my friends all over the country that keep me busy and keep me looking forward to new experiences. This is my fourth trip in two months. I recount the other trips in a previous post, Endings Mean Beginnings. These trips have been so much more than just visiting a new place. I have renewed and restored broken friendships and have reignited the fire that was dying inside of me. I can't blame my ex-husband for that. For whatever reason, we were just meant for a season of our lives. I absolutely adore him or at least who he was before he realized he was unhappy with how his life was turning out. We had such good times. I cherish them and will remember them for a long time to come. All of our trips to San Francisco and other exotic destinations. Heck, we live in an exotic locale. But I have made peace in my heart and respect his choice. It is all I can do to deal with the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. I move forward. One step at a time.

I miss how he was so protective of me when he loved me. Every woman wants to feel protected. When he and I went to that Jeffrey Osborne concert that I blogged about recently, we ended up at Rumours night club to finish off the night. It was back in July. I had been looking forward to that concert for months. Even though things were already strange between my ex and I, I thought the concert would be good for us. There was some African guy that was actin' stupid and my husband went and mushed him in the face. I remember thinking how grateful I was that my husband was strong and unafraid of anyone. I also thought he was incredibly stupid for picking a fight over nonsense. We ended up leaving before we got kicked out. 

On another note, while we're at Rumours there was a woman there who kept coming near us and dancing around us. I felt her energy and I looked right at my husband and said, "Do you know her?" He didn't even answer me. 'Til this day, I'm convinced she was one of the reasons I just wasn't enough for him anymore. It could be just my imagination but I have a pretty good sense of intuition and I trust my gut. He will probably never admit to it but I don't need him to. I know who he was before we married and I know he was craving to be that single guy again.

Anyway, Christmas Day will find me on a flight to DFW to visit one of my dearest friends. The last time I visited her in Texas was back in 1995. I was living in Clovis, New Mexico with my boyfriend at the time (he turned out to be my first love slash first husband). Fusi and I have seen each other over the years but the last time we were in Texas together was way back in '95. I am looking forward to doing it up and ringing in 2017 with her, God-willing. 

She is the definition of fun... just like my dear and departed Michele. I feel so blessed to have known Michele and to still have Fusi in my life. When I think of really fun times where I laugh and laugh til I can't laugh anymore - it is these two individuals who come to mind. And yet, at the same time, we have had tender moments also where everything wasn't all laughs and giggles. But for the most part, some of the funnest times I've had has been with one of them or both of them. So I look forward to Texas and the new experiences that are on their way. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Original Poem: Rife With Energy

Wishing ever so clearly for something that is not mine

Through time and space
I have longed for love as light as a gentle summer breeze
A love that feels like an extension of me
Not forceful

A love so heavy that the world can't carry it

A love that feels like a slow burning fire

A love that feels like an electrical storm
Rife with energy so thick that it pulls in everything around it

Two atoms revolving around each other and through each other
If not in this lifetime, maybe in the next;
I would know you in any form.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Waiting & Fear of Better Options

So much of my life has been spent

I am so loyal that I put my needs and desires on the side to wait....

What am I waiting for?
A broken heart?
True love?
For lost love to come back?

I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that I am valuable and I am worthy of being loved fully and completely in every moment; right now. Just because I have been tossed aside by both husbands does not mean that there is a problem with me even though it does make me feel inadequate, at times.

Last night I went to the gym and a "gentleman caller" was there. He and I had flirted online recently and even went as far as making plans to meet up. He did end up going to the meeting place and I did not. So last night when we seen each other, we did the regular kiss-on-the-cheek-Hawaii-greeting, said a few words, and I walked out. It eventually led to us talking on FB later that evening. Back and forth. Back and forth until I had to drive and couldn't respond. We have quite a long history of knowing each other. He pursued me once when I was 18 and he was 22. He is a nice looking man with a very nice body that all the ladies can appreciate. He can also be a sweetheart too but I've only known him to be a real alpha male, king-of-the-jungle, hot-head type. He has a quick temper.

Why do I tell that story?
Well, why am I not allowing myself to date and just go out and have fun?
Is it because I feel like I have to wait for lost love to come back to me? And with lost love, there are never any guarantees that they will return. Odds are that they probably will not come back. So why am I waiting around like it will?

A dear confidant sent me a commercial that shows a psychiatrist explaining, "Beth, you have FOBO."
"What is FOBO?"
FEAR of Better Options

I was really rocked by her saying that mostly because I never considered looking outward. I have loved only two men in my life. To look for someone else was unthinkable. Why would I want to learn about someone new? Why do I want to go through the trouble of learning to be with someone else and all of their habits and ways?

I knew my first husband since 1994. We married in 1997. Divorced in 2003. That is a lot of time to invest in getting to know someone. I look back at love letters that I wrote to him in the past, when we were both single people, and I was really waiting around for him. Waiting for him to realize that I was a good woman. Waiting for him to love me back with the same passion that I had. We met when I was 18 - the prime of my life. He was 29. I was in College surrounded by horny, single men and all I wanted was him. I waited for him to want me back. Why did I do that? Even back then, did I have a Fear of Better Options or was it because I had settled into a familiar comfort with him?

Enter second husband. We met and married in 2003 and here we are in 2016, newly divorced. I used to hang on his every word and his every emotion. I truly respected him and had sincere and genuine love for him. Even now, I look back at our good times and the fun we used to have and feel gratitude for those moments. The past couple of months have been a trial in patience and me learning to flow like water and to not resist what is happening in my life. If I don't talk to him, I'm okay but we just spent the last 13 years together and I miss his presence in my day-to-day. And those 13 years was precious time that I invested in the hope of FOREVER. Now, as I navigate this new freedom, I feel stuck wanting him to want US again. Am I waiting? Why am I waiting?

And this idea of being fearful of better options. Am I afraid of possibility? Most of me wants the comfort and familiarity of the love that I lost. Having this kind of tunnel vision, this desire for lost love, makes me so vulnerable instead of wide open to possibility. Today I choose to be wide open.

Really, what I desire is someone to love me fully and completely right now. I don't want to wait.... anymore. I am swept away in a longing for romantic professions of eternal love but more than that, I want action and yet I cannot go down that path again. My second husband, in our short courtship before we married, swept me away in a sea of action so quick and steady that there weren't any options but to marry him. His romantic gestures were so grand in expectation that I fell hard and quick. I recognize that and I vow to make different choices this time around.

I will make different choices. Choices that honors my destiny and my authentic path. Life is a meandering river with rapids and quiet lulls, stony paths, waterfalls, and beautiful views! I am riding along its banks or maybe I am smack dab in the middle of its width; one thing is for sure, my life has gathered new energy, a new zeal for living. The grey skies have parted and I move forward with intent. New love will not be my purpose but an extension of my purpose. And when he, whoever he is, makes himself available and exclusive to me it is because we have become extensions of each other, electrons orbiting around each other and through each other. I look forward with hopeful eyes that love will find me again but I am not waiting anymore. I am wide open to possibility!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Birthday Wishes On the Wind

Tomorrow is his birthday.

And what I wish for him today and always is that the years will be kind to him.

I miss him in my day to day.
I miss talking to him.
I miss the comfort of his presence.
I miss his face.
I miss cooking for him.... for us.
I miss his smile and how we would laugh together.
I miss making plans.

Yes, plans.
I miss planning forever with him.

I pray our paths will cross again
For any reason at all
But I know that we will never be
Because this is the path that he has chosen for himself
And consequently, he has placed me on my own path as well.

So for today and always, my wish is that you find
Whatever it is you are looking for
And that your life will be full and complete
May you find joy, everlasting
And the magic that waits for all of us.

Happy Birthday Forever Love.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Photo Blog: TEXAS San Antonio

You can click on the first pic and arrow through the pictures. 

San Antonio was unusually cold during my visit. It went as low as the 30's and as high as the 50's. Enjoy the pictures. I had a great time cruising the waterways of River Walk. It is a beautiful location for anything romantic. 

Friday, December 09, 2016

It Seems Like It's Falling Apart

One never really knows where life will take us. Some days we have it all figured out and everything is right in the world. Other days, not so much.

I search for inspiration in my daily life longing for creative expression in my writing, in my photography, and in my work. It appears that I feel most creative when I am in the depths of struggle even more than when I am in love. It is as if I am inspired by my pain and yet I have a need to shake the misery of lost love and get back to being joyful... alone. I don't need to be a part of a pair to be happy. Loneliness is a state of mind and I feel increasingly content with walking this life journey alone.

One of our conversations between the ex and I, I remember him telling me that the next man I marry would be very lucky to have me because I am such a good woman. His statement just about sent a dagger right through my heart. If I would be a great catch for another man, why didn't he want me? I will never understand his logic except that it is obvious that this good woman is not good enough for him.

The old paradigm of wanting another man to sweep me off my feet no longer applies to me. I always said that if my 2nd marriage ever met its demise that I would prefer to be alone instead of hitching myself to another. I still feel that way. Marriage does a number on a person's individuality. I will not compromise who I am and what I want from life anymore. One tends to do it to maintain a relationship. We sacrifice parts of ourself to operate as a pair. I have done that for a good portion of my life and it's time to really "do me." ...and I don't really know what "doing me" means yet.

I find myself immersed in love songs. As of late, I have had Lyfe Jennings on repeat. The lyrics of his modern ballad, I Will Always Love You, puts me in some kind of mood. I want to think that I have made a lasting impression on the man that I loved and I keep a small flame burning for the memories we've created together. Thirteen years is a long time to struggle through only to call it quits in the end. My only peace is that I see my star rising so clearly and I am grieved that I will not share that success with him; that my adventures will be solo from now on. We were such a great team but I suppose it was just meant for a season. I pray God's protection for him all the days of his life.

Have my trips to the mainland been about "doing me" or about escaping my reality? I think it has been both. Certainly I have reached out for something I have thought about for a very long time and in doing so I have opened a pandora's box. I don't know where this goes nor do I want to define it or label it. I have no expectation or desired outcome outside of the here and now. I have a strong desire to live in each moment and not think of tomorrow's consequences and it makes me quite the hedonist. I am okay with that. No restrictions. No boundaries except the ones I place on myself. Let any happiness I feel in each moment here be full and complete if only for a time. I am grateful for the space and time I am in right now and that the fabric of my dreams have become a reality.

Though my world seems as if it is falling apart, I know it is moving in a direction best suited to the development of my soul. I honor that and welcome it into my life. I will not look back at what was or put weight on the memories that were created. I can only move forward and I choose that today. Today I choose to flow like water and ride this wave to wherever it is taking me.

Friday, December 02, 2016

...When One Is Born From the Last...

The way it was told to me goes like this:
Quick Review - King Drac saves the kingdom but wifey dies, but she gives him all her blood to save their son. She tells him she will see him in her next life. 800 years later they run into each other and she is drawn to him and he to her.
With that great review, I had to make some time to watch Dracula Untold. I was not expecting a love story at all but it was indeed a love story mixed with great action scenes and computer graphics. 

There was one particular scene that made me tear up. Prince Vlad is experiencing angst over his decision to be a vampire to save his people and defeat the Turks. He must send his wife away to the monks while he remains behind to finish the Turks. His beautiful wife tells him, remember our vows?
Why think separately of 
this life and the next
when one is born 
from the last
The words of the poem - so easy and beautiful. A google search reveals that that poem is a verse in Love and Death by Rumi. Prince Vlad and his wife embrace, they kiss as they part ways. Prince Vlad heading into battle to single-handedly defeat the Turk army with his supernatural, vampiric powers. His Princess leaving with their child to flee from the chaos. Their passion for each other was so real on the screen. I felt like I was peeking in on a private moment between a real couple rather than two actors. There was a sense of urgency that was almost tangible.

My niece recently played the starring role in her school's rendition of AIDA. I was so moved by her performance. I am so proud of how talented and smart my nieces and nephews are and that's not a biased opinion. They really are so smart and so respectful and so talented. I am so grateful that they have such good parents to guide them on this life journey.

The short story line behind AIDA is kind of similar to how Dracula Untold was explained to me -- it's about a romance that spans several lifetimes. Aida is enslaved by an Egyptian general. He gives Aida as a gift to his fiancee, the Pharoah's daughter. However, the attraction between the general and Aida grows and they become lovers right under the nose of the Pharoah's daughter. When their love affair is discovered, the Pharoah's daughter sentences them to death and the mercy she gives them is that they may be entombed together. The closing scene shows the general and Aida being entombed. Immediately after, the same two characters that played Aida and the general appear on stage in different clothing, from a different era, looking at the tomb of the two lovers. They look at each other as if there is something familiar between them and thus another love affair, in another lifetime begins again.

This brings me back to the significance of the poem:
Why think separately of this life and the next when one is born from the last?
I want to think that the relationships I have here and in this world were born from the last... not just the romantic ones but all of the friendships and familial ties! I think of a particular instance when my #3 niece was just learning to talk. She was probably two or three and we were having this very intense discussion about something. I can't recall. She turned to me and said, "Remember Aunty? It happened when I was bigger than you." Without skipping a beat, I asked her what we looked like and she went on and on about it and then suddenly stopped and changed the subject. I could not get her back to revisiting the lifetime when she was bigger than me. Since that moment, this niece of mine has a special place in my heart because of her remembrance of our lifetime before.

With the demise of both of my marriages, I feel like maybe there might be something wrong with me. That somehow, the way I deal with things in a relationship is not conducive to fostering longevity. So if I did indeed know both of my husbands from a previous lifetime and we repeat these same relationships then I suppose I am not learning a thing. There is something I am doing that causes the failure of the relationship even though I have a great desire to be loved and to give love completely and through all generations of time. I love to be in love. I want these love affairs to move in sync from lifetime to lifetime.

I am reminded of Erykah Badu's song, Next Lifetime. She talks about how she's in a relationship, maybe a marriage, but felt a strong attraction to another man. She is resigned to the fact that nothing can come of their mutual attraction to each other. Instead, she tells him that she'll see him NEXT LIFETIME. I can say, emphatically, that I have never allowed myself to be attracted to another man while I was married. I pride myself on my stubborn loyalty to both men that I was married to. When I say "I Do," I really mean it. I may not be the best girlfriend but I am a damn loyal wife.

Now that my world has opened up again, I am allowing myself to feel attraction again. I am opening up my energy field to the men around me. While I was married, I closed that part of me off to anyone. My love energy was not available to anyone but my husband. I'm sad that he allowed himself to be attracted to other women and rather be single and free. I have been thinking of him so often in the past couple of days. I hope he is well. I hope he is happy. I've always wanted that for him even if it's without me. I wish him happiness and joy. Though I miss him so much, it's more because I just spent the last thirteen years sharing the same space with him. The man he has become in the last year is definitely not the one that I married so he can continue on in his evolution / devolution. One day, maybe in my/our next lifetime, we will get it right and we both can heal the parts of us that are hurting. I suppose the same could be said of the other man I loved so completely (my first husband). **heavy sigh**