Ready To Move

Time is just flying. I have just about two weeks left at my job. After this, I will be making my way to South Carolina. That will be home for at least the next year. I am extremely excited to start a new chapter in my life. Though I move forward with trepidation I am also very aware of how blessed I am that I have such a wide circle of close friends and family who help me to move ahead with nothing but my best foot forward. It's amazing how much has happened in the last year. I am grateful that I am not the girl I was just a year ago. When I was going through the break-up, I was very sad for several weeks. Sometimes the sadness creeps up now and I cry my eyes out until I feel some relief. I pick myself up and keep moving forward. One day I will be able to talk about this without all the pain. For right now, I will just have to cry through it.

When the ex and I split last year, he moved out first. Eventually, I moved out so that we could prepare the home to be sold. I downsized considerably. We sold almost everything. He took one bed and I sold the other. He took the big TV and I sold the other one. We sold all the other furniture. I downsized my library of books considerably. I don't like to think of how many books I donated to Goodwill because each book was so precious to me. I had to detach from my relationship with the words on those pages and yet I still have tons of books that I kept.

Throughout the past two weeks, I have been combing through my stuff again. This time, I am downsizing for my move to South Carolina. It is unbelievable the amount of paperwork that I was able to throw out. I have had to decide what to keep, what to shred, what to send back to my ex, etc. etc. I came across our marriage certificate. We got married in Illinois right outside of St. Louis. I remember that it was a very cold and wet November day. I also came across our divorce decree. My own hand wrote out every single detail on that decree. How did I have the strength to separate the material things of our lives in that application for divorce. It is not even what I wanted and yet my handwriting is all over it. Normally, if you go through an attorney they draw up the paperwork and draft a formal decree separating the details of a couple's life. We did it on our own, without a lawyer. It's cheaper (for him) and I am not an idiot where I can't figure out the paperwork. I tear up just remembering that day. My stomach was in knots all morning long as I sat there in our living room filling out paperwork before the courthouse opened. I distinctly remember the clerk at the court looking at us as so strange because we weren't crying or fighting at her window. That doesn't mean that I didn't want to cry, it just means that I maintained a calm decorum so as not to embarrass myself or him.

Yesterday, as I was going through a bin of stuff, I came across a birthday card from my ex. It brought tears to my eyes and almost thwarted my efforts to pack my belongings. I am not surprised at the emotion that it stirred in me. I will always be a sentimental fool. It is probably one of my trademarks. I have held on to pieces of clothing, material, letters, pictures, broken jewelry all in the name of sentimental value. In fact, I just parted with a gold hoop earring that I received from my ex. He brought the pair as a gift for me while he was deployed to Iraq. I was so bummed when I lost one side of the pair on a trip to Europe.

I don't remember what year he wrote the card to me but it had to have been during one of our happy years because of what he wrote.
"To the best wife a man could have. I love you."
I remember when he used to feel like that about me. Like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Like I complimented his life. Like there could never be another that he would ever love. Like his world started and stopped with me. And I don't regret anything that has happened - not our meeting and falling madly, deeply in love or our private nuptials all by ourselves in Illinois (we eloped), or our wedding dinner at Olive Garden - just the two of us. I don't even regret our break up. Of course if I could choose, I would have selected to stay together and work on our relationship. I did not know I had driven him to the point where he just did not want to be with me any more.

None of it matters and yet all of it matters. All of it contributes to the ever evolving me. It makes me who I am - this deeply feeling woman. The falling in love and the broken heart adds facets to my life that eventually will glow and shimmer in the light just like a diamond. The more facets, the more light I reflect. I love that my heart is so weathered and has so much mileage on it. Truly, one day I will sparkle even brighter than I do now. And though I do not wish this pain on anyone, I am so extremely proud of my ability to rise above the hurt.

I am ready for this move to South Carolina. I am more sure about this than anything I have ever done before. I am so ready to do what makes me happy and so ready to live out my wildest dreams. It is so exciting to move in a direction that frees me, liberates me, and pushes me to be the best version of myself.

Happy Divorce Anniversary : Don't Turn Around Edition

What a difference a year makes.

One year ago, today, I was signing divorce papers. No doubt, this has been a most challenging year for me but it has also been full of growth and change and new beginnings.

In just about thirty days or so, I am leaving my island home and making my way in the world. ALONE. The path of least resistance is pulling me in a direction that I NEVER, in a million years, saw coming. I would have never guessed that I would ever live in South Carolina. Even now, I am still amazed that I am going to call that home for at least the next year or so. Who knows where I will go next?

I saw something on Facebook that reminded me so much of this past year and all the changes.

Anything that annoys you is teaching you PATIENCE.
Anyone who abandons you is teaching you how to STAND UP on your own two feet.
Anything that angers you is teaching you FORGIVENESS and COMPASSION.
Anything that has power over you is teaching you how to TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.
Anything you hate is teaching you UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Anything you fear is teaching you COURAGE to overcome your fear.
Anything you can't control is teaching you how to LET GO.

When you're in the muck of a break-up, it's difficult to see outside of the sphere of hurt. It's hard to feel anything but sadness and anger and abandonment especially when breaking-up was not my choice. I have truly learned patience and to trust the process, to heal, to let go, and to soar above my hurt. I will always see my ex as a beautiful soul. Even now, I feel a tinge of jealousy. I am jealous of the person he will grow old with. And maybe he will do as he says he will and live out the rest of his days alone. In any case, my love for him is unconditional and I see him as God intended. I will always only have respect for his decision to leave. His courage is far stronger than mine was when we were together. Even in my unhappiness I remained silent whereas he did the hardest thing and severed our relationship. I hate to admit it but he was right. He told me when we were divorcing that one day I would thank him for doing this, that one day I would see that he was right about this break up and that it needed to happen.

**deep breath**

He's right even though I am not yet at that stage where I am grateful for this break up, I'm almost there. I am sure in the coming days and weeks and months, I will see the wisdom in this turn of events. Often we go through our day to day life just existing, almost robotic. I vow to never live in that dreary gray again.

What a difference a year makes.

I have made new friends. Rekindled old friendships. Fostered relationships that have been neglected over the years. And I think I am going to be okay. I move ever so confidently in the direction of my wildest dreams and I honor the people who have stuck with me through this whole process. I don't think they will ever know their full value to me, no matter how much I might say it. I am so humbled by the beautiful support system I have. My friends. My family. Wow! I thank God for all of them. I can't even name them all because my circle is wide and far.

Today, I will look in the mirror and wish myself Happy Divorce Anniversary. The world is wide open.

Moving Forward: #SoloAdventures

I have about a month and a half left until my last day of work at my current job. When I leave this university, I will get on a plane and make my way to South Carolina - the state I have chosen to live in for the next couple of months, at least. I know it seems so random that I have selected South Carolina to make my home. I have visited the state twice this year and I feel compelled to go.

When my ex and I split, I know that we were both unhappy. However, I am stubborn as a mule. I was committed to my commitment to him. Loyal to a fault. In recent months, he and I have been texting back and forth. He is trying to explain to me why he left me. I don't really want to hear his excuses. I needed explanations when he left me not now, nearly a year later. I have already readjusted my life to being single. I can't say that I don't miss him but I am moving forward and I cannot look back. What is odd is that he blames me for the break up of our marriage and that is not my experience with how things went down between us. My inability to compromise on certain issues, namely relocation, is why he left me. I am sure he is perturbed that right after we break up, I decide to leave Hawai'i.

HIM: I think you wanted it too. (Divorce) I was setting you free. Us free. I didn't lose any attraction for you etc. Just going different paths. There was never anybody else. I know I was holding you back.

ME: We didn't have to hold each other back. We could have worked together to bang out every dream.

HIM: You didn't want to leave. I know deep down you don't. 

ME: If I could take it all back, I would have gone wherever you wanted to go.

HIM: Yea, you were so adamant about not wanting to leave.

ME: Sorry

HIM: It's fine. I was hurt about it for a long time. It was like all your people looked at me like I was the bad guy. No one called to see how I was doing. I was like wow.

ME: You shred my heart. What are they supposed to do?

I have to insert my opinion here. I am still so irritated that he was upset about my family not contacting him when we were getting divorced. When we split, I called his mother and father to thank them for all the years of support and all the years of love. He didn't call my father to even try to explain why he was leaving me and my father didn't need an explanation. He understands that this was his choice. My father said that my ex and I are both capable of making sound decisions. I am so similar to my father in his thought process. I cried my eyes out when I said my goodbyes to my in-laws. They were such a big part of my life. I loved both of my sister-in-laws. I loved my sister-in-law's kids and I know they loved me too. Break-ups are so difficult especially when it's not mutual. I feel very close to them in a way that I wasn't with my first husband's family. I miss them as much as I miss my now ex-husband.

HIM: Two sides but its OK. During a break up the guys is always the bad guy.

ME: I kept asking (friend) to check on you. I still have so much love for you. Wish things could be different. 

HIM: Thank you its all good. LOL. I can handle myself.

ME: Well you gave up on us. That is the disappointment. Instead of work together to fix it, you left me.

HIM: You gave up. When you got mad every time I talked about moving. Like walking on egg shells when I brought it up.

ME: I did not give up. Me talking about business ventures... was like walking on egg shells.

Apparently, we just did not see eye to eye. What hurts me every time I go back and read these texts is that he didn't want to try and work it out. He just wanted to leave and break up. That is so hard for me to swallow, even now. Even though I know how smart and talented I am, him leaving me is such a blow to my self esteem. He is the second man to leave me and it still hurts like hell. I see him as such a beautiful man. I can't lie - his body is so beautiful and he is so drop dead gorgeous - in my opinion. And he has such a beautiful soul. When things were good between us, they were really good. He was my best friend. We did everything together.

HIM: You were more loyal to your family than me.

ME: I see that. I apologize. And now it's too late cuz we're divorced.

HIM: Just paper. Its all good now.

ME: I can't talk about this. Crying. Still so raw. 

HIM: We both hurt.

ME: So why did you walk away instead of work it out? Try a separation.

HIM: I knew it was going to be forced.

ME: Nobody's forcing me now.

HIM: I see. Going to South Carolina?

ME: You was just done with me when I realized that moving was what you wanted. I also thought there was someone else because of your extra activities. 

HIM: No.

ME: You right though. My family did get in the way of us. Sorry. That realization prompted this move. I have to build a life separate from my fam. Even if it will be by myself. 

HIM: You choose your family over me. That was cruel.

ME: I'm a good woman and you rather be alone than with me - that's a blow to my self esteem. But its all good. I will bounce back.

HIM: You will.

ME: Wish you would have said all this stuff before you dumped me.

The conversation goes on and on. The way I feel right now, I would go back to him in a heart beat. That is my honest and true feelings. And it's not because I think we had a perfect relationship or that we are made for each other. No. What I loved about he and I is that we were best friends. We did every thing together. He always made me feel safe. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. We spent so much time together and were not sick of each other at all. He took really good care of us and I will forever be jealous of whoever he chooses to spend the rest of his days with.  

So here I am, making this move to South Carolina without my man/best friend. And this is what he wanted - to move - and I am doing it without him. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would gladly hear him out and allow honest expression to happen between us. I don't know why I was so uncompromising. I don't know why he gave up so easily. I don't know why we didn't have this discussion before he divorced me. And now we're having open and honest communication via text message. I wish I could take it back then this move that I am about to make would not be a #SoloAdventure but another positive move in our relationship. I miss him. I suppose I will always miss him.

Paper Hearts : Birthday Edition

Wow. I will be turning 42 tomorrow.

Last year was the saddest birthday ever. My now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. We were both so unhappy. I had made plans for dinner and dancing atop the Ala Moana Hotel. It used to be called Aaron's but it's now called Signature Steak House. It still has wrap around views of the mountains, the city, and the ocean. When it was Aaron's, it was definitely one of my favorite spots. I frequented it a lot back in the early 2000's. The men were required to have a coat, which is always a nice, classy touch. The food, the drink, the views were absolutely fantastic. But my most favorite thing was that it featured a hot R&B band that played there on the weekends. They did covers of every single R&B song you can imagine from the 60's to the present. It was something kind of wonderful. I am not sure if the band has continued with the new restaurant but when I made reservations last year, I was hoping that it would still be a feature.

With my then husband and I fighting, I cancelled the reservation. There was no point in having dinner together. We could hardly stand to be in the same room much less have a conversation and be romantic. And I was craving the romance, wanting him to fall back in love with me. I had no idea how to fix whatever was happening with us and I sat idle and watched as our relationship came to a grinding halt. This, by far, has been the most challenging year for me and I have been through some really hard ish in my life.

Marriage number two is down the tubes and I am not sure if I will ever be married again. It is nearly a year since he and I parted ways and I miss him immensely. Recent conversations between he and I have crushed my heart and eeked out every last bit of resolve that I have been holding on to. What I have to do to get me through contact with him is to force myself to think that he will never love me again. And I have to be okay with that. I have to convince my heart and my mind that he has rejected me because he has. Even though every cell in my heart wants to run back to him and feel his strong arms around me, feel his gentle kiss upon my lips, I cannot let him just manipulate me whenever it's convenient for him. The new NEENALOVE will not accept that.

I crave love and affection as much as the next person but I just can't bring myself to put my heart out there again for another person to trample. I crave a deep connection with another soul - that is no doubt. And though I may encounter men that set my soul on fire, at this very moment I have NO desire to completely give my heart away. As a dear friend recently told me, I have a paper heart right now. She said I need to keep building it so that it doesn't shred to pieces at the first hint of rejection. One of these days my ex will not have this effect on me and I will be able to converse with him as if we were old friends. Today is not that day and it is taking EVERYTHING in me to NOT beg him to love me again.

So as my 42nd year commences, my focus is entirely on me and what will make me happy again.
I will not be mistreated.
No more paper hearts!  

I Don't Need to Rehash a Damn Thing

Dear Ex,

You cannot come into my life when you're feeling some kind of way just to get things off your chest. I don't need texts like this in the morning:
Neena...not to rehash, but your a great person.. great wife and the more I think about I realize we can both be free do to pursue our OWN goals. It really wasn't about you. Just so you know

I really don't need texts like that to color my day. If I had the courage right now, I would tell you to stop texting me and yet I hold on, hoping that maybe one day you might want me back. But I don't even know if that's what I want. Do I want to live in the gray area that we've been in for the last couple of years? No! I want to feel my blood coursing through my veins, hot and flaming and never fall into a funk where I forgot the woman I am.

So, before you send off a text where you are trying to make yourself feel better about breaking my heart - DON'T! I don't need to hear it. I don't need to rehash anything. I have made peace with your leaving and I never want to rehash any of these feelings of heartache again. Not from you. Not from anyone who has ever broken my heart. You don't get to do a do-over with me.

The way you treated me when you told me you wanted a divorce and the immediate days after our break up was probably the worst thing I have ever experienced (aside from the loss of my mother). The way you made it seem like I was the enemy still makes my stomach turn when I think about it. I know that I am a damn good woman and a damn good wife. You treated me like I was some skank off the street trying to trap you, like I did something wrong to you. When I cried throughout this process, you looked at me with such disgust that even now I am amazed that you ever loved me.

So, don't text me with your guilty conscience texts. I don't want to hear your regret or your mantra trying to convince yourself that divorcing me is the best thing for both of us. Since we did it, we might as well keep moving ahead. Trust me when I say that you will NEVER have the opportunity to be with me again. EVER. And it's not because I don't love you because Lord knows I do. It's because of how you treated me in those final days. Call me bitter. Call me whatever you want. Just know that I am so done with you!

Love,


NeenaLove

Like any uncharted territory

I must seem greatly intriguing

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

But this is not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

I don't think you worthy

I need a moment to deliberate

Anonymous Love Letter: I Have Nothing Edition

Dear Love,

I find myself in a daze, fully feeling the void in the wake of our split. I can't really call it a split. It's more like my decision to walk forward and do "the right thing," whatever that means. Why does "the right thing" feel wrong? There is nothing ugly about what we are even under the current circumstances. We are so beautiful together, so in sync, and so much a fabric of each other's DNA. How could our connection be ugly or wrong? When people are in our presence, I am sure they can feel the electric and the love energy that surrounds us.

I miss you with such intensity. I try to think of other things and even attempted "seeing" someone but none of it even feels right or anything remotely similar to what we have always shared. I crave your voice and to hear you tell me that you love me. Surely you know that my love for you will never end. I see your face in every ray of sunshine and in the stars in the heavens. I hear your voice on the wind and feel your gentle hands on my face.

I want to throw all of the rules out the window and run away with you today. I want to pick up the phone and call you and listen to you tell me that you love me and that you miss me. I feel the same. My heart knows with certainty that you have been my one true love through every lifetime before and I know that even in the next lifetime, we will find each other again. I pray that we don't have to wait that long and that our paths will cross again soon.

If you're reading this, listen to whatever is in your heart at this very moment and do it. I will be waiting. Always remember us.

Love,


NeenaLove

A New Year, Maybe A New Me

Happy Chinese New Year!

There is so much to be grateful for in my life.

As I move forward, one step at a time, I find that I am outgrowing my current job. I have a strong desire to move through all of the monotony of my old life. My most recent trip to Texas really opened me up to the possibility of moving and living there. Granted, I would need quick access to Hawai'i because I can only go so long before I need the ocean. Dallas is the hub for American Airlines so if I could get a job there then I think it would be a no-brainer for me to make my way to Dallas. I just need a fresh start away from here, away from my ex-husband. He has not left the island so the odds of running into him here are pretty high. I would just die if I ran into him with another woman.

He is so beautiful to me but I understand that he does not feel that way about me and I will be okay with that. It does not devalue who I am. I know what I bring to the table and I know how powerful my life is. What I miss so much is his presence in my day to day. Even though our split has been such a free-ing experience, I miss the routine of every day. Funny how just a year ago, the routine is what was making me so unhappy.

I love being in love. I love pouring my time and affection into a relationship. I don't have that right now, though I would not be opposed to it, so I am constantly working on using that time to write. It does not mean that I do not have any interested parties vying for my affection but I am just tired of waiting. I want something in real time. Right now. Someone to go to the movies with, to take me to the nail shop, to go dancing with, dinner, and all the fun things that can happen in real time. The truth is that I know I'm not ready for real-time love. My mind, my heart, my soul is just not ready to pull anyone else into my drama. In the meantime, though, I will enjoy the attention as I heal my heart.

Anonymous Love Letter : More & More Edition

Dear Love,

I am consumed by thoughts of you. It has always been that way. I cannot say when or why you touched me in this way but you have. The time we have spent together will always be cherished and treasured. They are little gems in the fabric of my life that I will take with me into the next lifetime where I will search for you again.

This longing inside me makes me sad instead of happy only because I know that it is not me that you go home to at the end of the day. I cannot risk my heart for something I have no right to claim and what I know today is that my heart is so raw and broken. It's not your job to put it back together. That's my job and so the decision to "close the door" was made.

In my mind it makes perfect sense. "Close the door" so I can mend my broken heart while you figure out what you want to do. I don't know what you want to do. If you love her then love her and let's seal this door shut until the next lifetime. Because right now, what I want is MORE and MORE of you and I cannot have it. When I'm feeling especially low, I think about you and want to talk to you and hear your voice and feel the comfort of your words but I do not have access to you. And that fueled the logic behind "closing the door."

What I wish I could tell you is that I want us to run away and lock ourselves in our bubble and make love endlessly and fan the red hot flame between us. Let the world around us fade away until there is just you and me. Yet I know this can never be and we will have to be content to meet in our dreams. But today and always I send you love vibrations so sincere and so intense that it could light the world. Remember me.

Love,



NeenaLove

Anonymous Love Letter : Ridiculous Edition

Dear Love,

Today we closed a door.

It frees you to be the man you always wanted to be for her. She is so blessed to have your heart the way she does. Though we made a mistake by opening a pandora's box with whatever we have done, in the end, your decision to recommit to her is admirable and so precious. I don't know why we complicate our lives with distractions from things that really matter.

Here and now, we say goodbye. Though I feel my heart breaking all over again, I knew that this thing we had had an expiration date. I look ahead to whatever is on the horizon for me. My unwritten future is wide open and I welcome all of God's abundance into my life. I open my heart again to chase forever, alone.

My wish for you is that you will find happiness and joy;
that you will rededicate yourself to loving her the way she deserves to be loved;
that you will put in the time, your heart, your soul into making love last forever.

I smile as I think of how fortunate she is to have a man that recognizes his error and chooses to recommit. It is a beautiful thing to witness.

So today and forever, know that I have always seen through your facade and into your beautiful soul. I have always seen you as a beautiful expression of God's genius. I will carry the memory of us all the days of my life. Live well and take care of yourself.

Love,


NeenaLove

It Seems Like It's Falling Apart

One never really knows where life will take us. Some days we have it all figured out and everything is right in the world. Other days, not so much.

I search for inspiration in my daily life longing for creative expression in my writing, in my photography, and in my work. It appears that I feel most creative when I am in the depths of struggle even more than when I am in love. It is as if I am inspired by my pain and yet I have a need to shake the misery of lost love and get back to being joyful... alone. I don't need to be a part of a pair to be happy. Loneliness is a state of mind and I feel increasingly content with walking this life journey alone.

One of our conversations between the ex and I, I remember him telling me that the next man I marry would be very lucky to have me because I am such a good woman. His statement just about sent a dagger right through my heart. If I would be a great catch for another man, why didn't he want me? I will never understand his logic except that it is obvious that this good woman is not good enough for him.

The old paradigm of wanting another man to sweep me off my feet no longer applies to me. I always said that if my 2nd marriage ever met its demise that I would prefer to be alone instead of hitching myself to another. I still feel that way. Marriage does a number on a person's individuality. I will not compromise who I am and what I want from life anymore. One tends to do it to maintain a relationship. We sacrifice parts of ourself to operate as a pair. I have done that for a good portion of my life and it's time to really "do me." ...and I don't really know what "doing me" means yet.

I find myself immersed in love songs. As of late, I have had Lyfe Jennings on repeat. The lyrics of his modern ballad, I Will Always Love You, puts me in some kind of mood. I want to think that I have made a lasting impression on the man that I loved and I keep a small flame burning for the memories we've created together. Thirteen years is a long time to struggle through only to call it quits in the end. My only peace is that I see my star rising so clearly and I am grieved that I will not share that success with him; that my adventures will be solo from now on. We were such a great team but I suppose it was just meant for a season. I pray God's protection for him all the days of his life.

Have my trips to the mainland been about "doing me" or about escaping my reality? I think it has been both. Certainly I have reached out for something I have thought about for a very long time and in doing so I have opened a pandora's box. I don't know where this goes nor do I want to define it or label it. I have no expectation or desired outcome outside of the here and now. I have a strong desire to live in each moment and not think of tomorrow's consequences and it makes me quite the hedonist. I am okay with that. No restrictions. No boundaries except the ones I place on myself. Let any happiness I feel in each moment here be full and complete if only for a time. I am grateful for the space and time I am in right now and that the fabric of my dreams have become a reality.

Though my world seems as if it is falling apart, I know it is moving in a direction best suited to the development of my soul. I honor that and welcome it into my life. I will not look back at what was or put weight on the memories that were created. I can only move forward and I choose that today. Today I choose to flow like water and ride this wave to wherever it is taking me.

Gestures, Being Alone, & Goodbye

I was seated on a flight, on my way back to Honolulu via Minneapolis via Los Angeles. Next to me was a couple who looked about my age. The wife is not feeling well. Her husband reaches over and rubs her back. The gesture is so simple and so thoughtful and has me wondering when my ex-husband stopped feeling that way about me. It would be easier for me to transition to single life if I would just stop imagining and making up stories in my head. I have a difficult time with that right now. My broken heart is still so fresh.

I don't like to think that I am defined by my relationship but as I review the last 13 years, I have done just that. What I really need is to be alone and not jump into another relationship so quickly. I need to "do me" for a minute before I let anyone back into my world. And yet I love to be in love. I love the feeling of butterflies in my belly.

Whoever "she" is, I hope she's good to him because he walked away from 13 years of marriage for a few weeks of flirting. I get it. It's exciting to have someone pique your interest. When guys would approach or flirt with me, I never acted on any of it but unfortunately he is. No one could ever doubt my loyalty. Sometimes, in a relationship, people have to push through the times when it's difficult to even like each other. This past year, he and I were both unhappy. He told me that he didn't want to waste anymore time or realize twenty years from now that he was unhappy the entire time.

My heart is so broken that he would treat me with such little regard after all that we have been through. He will never, ever have the opportunity to be with me again. Never. All the overly-romanticized sentiments of new heartache and professions of loving him forever are misplaced affection and I am done. Goodbye.

Today, I choose to care for my own heart and stop worrying about being a good wife or good woman. The best woman I can be is the one that lives my most empowered life. When he witnesses the magnitude of my life and the strength and power of my words, he will realize how small he is in comparison. And we both will understand why we could NEVER BE. Why his light could not match mine. Why the smallness of his mind could not realize how open my mind is to the wide expanse of the universe. My life is powerful and will fill the world with beautiful stories and emotions from words on a page and he will move forward as he always has... short-sighted vision.

My star is rising.
And I will walk this path all by myself.
Alone.

Smelt Like Heaven

It smelt like heaven when I got on the elevator after work. I don't know who rode in it before me but his scent made me want to stop on every floor just to stay in the elevator a little longer. I'm not sure what the odor reminded me of. It was definitely masculine. It wasn't flowery fresh like laundry detergent OR spring-ish like dryer sheets so I deducted that it must be cologne. And whoever he was left it behind for me to take in.

I hit "L" to make my way to the lobby. As the doors closed, I am engulfed in this masculine scent. Memories of a lost love rush back. The scent in the elevator brought his face to mind because it was definitely a scent he'd wear.

I remember the silly way he got my attention the night we met. He was spraying water in my hair as he ironed his uniform. My head was aching probably from dehydration. I was irritated and did not want to be bothered yet he kept spraying my hair with the water.

I remember the first time we kissed and the first time he touched my body.

I recall the way he looked in his beige suit on our wedding day.

My mind rushes back to INTENSE conversations, solving world issues in the car getting from point A to point B.

I remember his romantic gestures - him drawing a bath for me and washing me from head to toe has got to be one of our best memories. Him surprising me by coming home early from a trip. Us slow dancing in the living room. A heart-shaped chocolate chip cookie on our first Valentine's Day together. I believe he also bought me a pendant.

All of these memories flood my mind with just a single scent. He and I are/were electric. Even now, I feel a very clear and distinct draw to him even though I am very much married to someone else. I will never understand how or why that is. I just know that I will always remember how special we were together.

My Dearest Ex-Husband

My Dearest Ex-Husband ~ Sounds like life has been treating you WELL lately. I'm so happy for you & her. I wish I could tell her all the wonderful things I've always known about you BUT that would steal the fun outta the newness of your lives together. I am truly, genuinely happy for you. I have ALWAYS wanted you to be happy even if it was without me. I have so many good memories of us. Above all, we have always been such good friends and I hope that NEVER changes. You deserve a wonderful life. Go out and get it!

Your well-being has always weighted heavy on my mind. I felt like I could have done more to help you see past the pain. But I knew you'd make it out on your own time. A bit of advice, if I may... send her flowers at work for no reason... just cuz you miss her or you love her. That can erase self-doubt and animosity. The gesture has the power to make a woman fall in love over and over again. You will never go wrong with that. "Find 100 Ways". Do at least one nice thing for her everyday. A woman needs constant reassurance and IT IS YOUR job to make sure she gets it. Whether it's a little note in her purse or lipstick notes on the mirror, big or small, it doesn't matter. Be kind and ever compassionate. Let me stop.

Your soul is so beautiful, so beyond explanation. The both of you are blessed to have each other. Be good to each other. Live a beautiful life full of love and joy... maybe one day we'll run into each other again. Please know that you will always have a soft spot in my heart. Just cuz we're not married to each other anymore, doesn't mean that soft spot went away. *winks*

Forever...

Time to Mourn

I think it was his age that allowed him to fully see the depth of my soul. Oddly, I'm convinced that it was MY age that chased him away.

My soul runs so deep. It sounds so cliche, so worn out, so used. And yet -- he understood it. I miss that.

The hours and days have run into months and years and we've both moved in different directions. And I'm in a good place... better than I've ever been before. I have learned to balance my spiritual self with the other dimensions of me. That, above all else, has been most rewarding.

Yet sometimes... way too often, I long for depth... for someone to truly understand who I am. Someone who is able to see right into the heart of me and KNOW... just KNOW... without me saying a word.

The only one who ever did -- I will probably never have the occasion to speak to again. Most of my friends cannot see how many different facets there are to me. I still discover them daily... and I love that about me... but it isolates me.

How can I feel so alone in a world full of people? How can I feel like no one can see my soul and really understand how deep it runs?

I have never mourned that loss. I pushed it down way deep inside of me, hoping it would just go away.

Today, I mourn! Though I wish him success and honest, sincere and true love -- I will mourn what will never be. I mourn the separation of two souls that really, truly understood each other.

Here We Are

This is a look back in my past VIA my personal diary. I've spoken of HIM often, my ex husband. This is who I am referring to in this post. I typed it directly from my diary. It was written a few months before we were seperated.

Here we are
Face to face
We forget time and place
Hold me now
Don't let go
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together's gonna fly
And everything you do to me
Is gonna feel so right
Baby when you're loving me
I feel like I could cry
'Cause there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
(performed by Gloria Estefan)

Monday 02 April 2001

Dear Pepa, (the name of my diary)

The year is just flying by. My marriage is tick-tocking away. My husband has stopped caring about what we have. And I am sad. I take each day --> ONE AT A TIME. And I prepare myself for the end of our marriage. It is not something I want. Not at all. I don't want this love affair to end. I love him with everything I am. Being unappreciated takes its toll and yet with my husband, I can continue. I can take it if we're in Hawaii. Just give me a reason to do it. We don't love the way we used to. I lok at him and fall in love all over again. Every single time. And then, I feel like he doesn't love me back. I feel like I am a burden to him.

I sit at work and wonder what he's thinking. I think about him leaving. Think about him loving someone else. Think about how his promise to me means nothing. But then, that could go the same for him. He could be thinking the same thing of me --> that my promise to honor and respect him means nothing. I just don't know how he could just come home from New Mexico and wanna up and leave. Why am I not enough?

Before he left for New Mexico during this past holiday season... he told me that he was gonna take a leave of absence and help his mama for a few months. Well, he's decided that WE'RE moving to New Mexico. So here I am with a new job that I absolutely LOVE and can honestly see a future in it. One that will bring us financial security. And he wants me to leave it for "small town America". Just give me one reason to want to leave. Love is not enuff. It's so easy for him to leave me. And he tells me it's so easy for me to stay. Rightly so. I've built a life here, we've built a life together. Why is it so hard to see that?

The last time we made love, I cried. I was hurting inside. He was on top of me and all I could think about was that he was leaving me. All I thought about was that he loved me but not enough to stay with me. I could only think of how our love wasn't worth it. What is our love worth? Is it worth giving up my happiness? Is it worth giving up his happiness? I cannot ask of him that which I am not capable of. So we have agreed to separate. This is the first time I have admitted it. I don't wanna be without him but I cannot live in New Mexico.

He wants me to be something I'm not. He wants me to do what he did when we first came back here.... we left New Mexico and moved here. He left his home to come to my home. Now he wants to go back. But I am not him so how can he expect that of me? I don't wanna work for the State of New Mexico, like he's suggesting. That's off the subject. On the real --> if he doesn't wanna be with me, he will leave me. And as he prepares to leave me, I will prepare to be alone. My love for him does not end. I cannot envision loving another the way I love him.

I sit here and look at our pictures --> they always seem to capture us looking sooo happy. And he has made me happy. How he has treated me -- means the world to me. How he has ALWAYS been there for me... no one could fully know. And I will love him forever. I will still need him and forever long for him. Crave only him. And if he must leave me then do so!