3 Things -- Fighting for Love

VIDEO: 3 Things -- Fighting for LOVE

I carefully selected what I would say in this video so as not to ramble on and on. However, I do believe there is room for discussion and further exploration into each point. I have several examples from my own life that prompted this idea of "fighting for LOVE." It seems as if the entire theme of my life has been about finding romantic love and yet what I have come to realize is that all along I was searching for the courage to love myself - the good, the bad, the ugly, and most of all the beautiful.

DON'T GIVE UP
I had a fantastic childhood. Our family unit was whole and in tact. I grew up with both parents in the home and they loved each other and loved us. My parents were so active in my every part of my life. I can't imagine not having that. They are my example of what marriage and love is supposed to be like. So when I talk about fighting for love, I see my parents who stayed together through thick and thin. When I commit, I do not take my vows lightly. I'm not going to leave or give up just because things get hard.


NO EXPECTATIONS
Have no expectations and you will never be disappointed. We all have needs and for most of us, we have this large expectation of how he or she should behave. He needs to show me more affection. He needs to buy me large gifts. He needs to make "x" amount of money. He needs to drive a certain type of car. Blah blah blah. All the materialistic things can be lost in a heartbeat. They can also be acquired in a heartbeat. But it's not your partner's "job" to give you all these things especially when you're more than capable of getting them yourself. All of the emotion and love that you require are already in you. It's not your partner's job to pull it out and if you're waiting for that then you have a lot of your own healing to do. Realize that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Any one that you commit to or have committed to is a bonus because you are already whole and complete.


SELFLESS LOVE
Giving of your love ties in to having "no expectations." When we approach a relationship from a place of service, it changes our partner's reaction. It is not a manipulation. It shouldn't be. I don't give to get. I serve him as a token of my sincere affection. I don't give him a massage because I want one. I don't cook a meal in the hopes that he will do something for me. I do these things to demonstrate that I adore him and it comes from a genuine place in my soul. I have no attachment to the outcome. I give you this, whatever "this" is, and I have no expectation of your reaction to it. You can love it or hate it but I am not going to be attached to how you receive it.

Example: My current beau loves shrimp. When we get together we eat seafood. I made shrimp for him twice. Both times they were sauteed in butter and garlic and hot sauce. He is not a butter person. He likes his shrimp boiled and both times I forgot that key information. He ate it both times, which was selfless on his part because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Of course my feelings would not have been hurt because I am not attached to how he receives it but he didn't know that. From both perspectives, his and mine, we were giving selflessly. Me taking the time to make the shrimp. He accepting the gift even though he knew the butter would make him sick. Make sense?

CHALLENGE
Do something this week for your mate, spouse, partner, friend WITHOUT expecting a specific reaction. Tell me how it goes.

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Video Podcast : Episode 7 : Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

VIDEO: Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

I was so inspired by a YouTube video featuring Lisa Nichols where she talked about her rise to living her dream.

In my evolution, I am hungry to change the circumstances of my life. I am increasingly aware that if I want a different result then I need to do something different in every moment. My vision board is a bunch of post-its on my wall. The post-its have due dates, specific scenarios, meeting and speaking with certain people, and bank balances that I will manifest. In all my 43 years, I have attempted the typical collage-style vision board with pictures and that just didn't work for me. I love my post-its and I love my handwriting. I have excellent penmanship and there's just a connection between my mind and the actual writing of the vision of my life. Every day I want to add more.

As I make this transition, I realize that I have a lot of hang-ups and emotional things that have held me back for so long. Leaving Hawai'i and my old job was one of the ways I let go of things that are not authentically me anymore. So often we let life move us along. I was so used to reacting to things instead of being actively engaged in choosing the life I want to live. That's not me anymore.

A little over a year ago, I was melting down. I was riding in the car with my older brother telling him how trapped I felt. It was like my divorce had begun to peel away layers of my life that no longer served me. At that time, I had just watched that Steve Harvey clip where he talks about taking risks and doing the thing you love doing. My brother is driving and I am crying my eyes out talking about how my life is not what I had envisioned for myself. The future seemed bleak if I continued on the path that I was on - trapped by a job that forced me to comply with their strict code of conduct and my heart so weathered and broken. I was doing the ugly cry and my brother said, "Then jump! It's time to jump!" He set my mind at ease by addressing all of my concerns that were holding me back. In that moment, I decided to JUMP. 

Deciding to JUMP was the easy part. Undoing all the years of negative self-talk has proved to be the real challenge. I am a positive person to everyone else but myself. I can talk someone up and shiny them up for the world but I have a difficult time in talking myself up. Every day I make a conscious effort to say, 

"I can do this." 

"I got this." 

"I am brave and courageous." 

"I am talented." 

"I am loved."

Whether it's social or cultural conditioning that has made me only focus on the things that I'm not so good at, I want to end that practice now. I am going to celebrate all of the good things about me and walk in my most perfect truth. You should too. When we are sure of who we are, nothing anyone says matters. You take that power back from whoever or whatever you gave it to. Own your life decisions and actively engage in creating the life you want.

I don't care anymore about the criticisms of small-minded people. And some of my closest friends clown my attempt to change the circumstances of my life. I really don't need that type of negativity in my life so I keep my distance. I want to be surrounded by people who have achieved the things that I want to achieve. I want to be surrounded by people who are cheering me on and assisting me on my rise.

The morning I let go of the guilt surrounding my shortcomings as a daughter. If you watched the video, this will make sense to you.

What is the Best Piece of Advice You Have Ever Received?

I had a conversation with an old friend this past weekend. It was different than any other conversation he and I have ever had. Without disclosing too much about him, I have fond memories of us that go way back. We may have lost touch over the years but we have never lost the closeness that we've shared. When we've seen each other in person, we are still the way we were way back when. The last time I seen him, I was picking food off his plate that he hadn't touched yet. He didn't seem to mind. I will always consider him a "bestie" and he feels the same way too. Up until this point our friendship has always been platonic. NO funny business at all. I suppose it still is platonic because he is married and a very devoted father to his children.

At one point, nearly two decades back, we were hanging out a lot. I was separated from my first husband and he was single. We would take these long rides around the island and just talk and laugh. We have always been able to relate to each other and there were never any awkward silences, ever! In our conversation over Facebook Messenger, he changed the condition of our friendship, somewhat by relating his emotions and feelings. I lifted his exact words from our conversation, "All those times we went cruising, we shoulda made love to this song." The song, you ask? I Wanna Be Loved by Eric Benet. I don't know how long he has thought of me in that way. If these are old feelings from way back when, why did he wait to tell me? If these are new feelings, why now?

Nothing can really blossom from his revealed feelings unless we rendezvous like hormone-crazed teenagers. That would make him an adulterer and me the skanky ho that wanted it. You know how you've been friends with someone so long, you take on a certain persona when you're with them. I was in his "friend zone" and never, in my mind, to be more than that. We have never crossed that line between friends and lovers. I was always very careful not to provoke it because I knew too much about him but mostly because I never thought he was attracted to me. He never tried either.

When we would hang out, we would traverse every topic on the planet from funny and entertaining to heavy and deep. On one of our long drives, I revealed to him my biggest dream - to write. We talked about way more than that and he was actually "with it" too. That was nearly 20 years ago and I'm just starting on the dream. For whatever reason we found ourselves in a conversation about why he and I never hooked up, I am grateful for the way he sees me. Lifted from our conversation, "Sorry about your marriage but I don't think men understand the responsibility and privilege of being with you." That right there! Am I wrong to think that he is seeing value in me in a way that my ex(es) didn't? And if so, why now? I can't lie, it brought tears to my eyes. I carry around this broken heart, trying to move forward but still feeling every bit of inadequate to allow someone to love me again. Who can love a girl that has been abandoned, twice? There must be something wrong with me, right?

He dropped nuggets of advice on me that seem to come from deep inside his heart. What he said to me makes me think that he wants me to have the fairy tale that I always talk about. I feel like his sentiments came from such an unselfish and genuine place and it kind of knocked me off my feet; so much so that I am thinking about it a day later.

HIM: For realz tho if us men were mature enough to appreciate a beautiful, intelligent woman like you is better than a million hoochies, you'd get the man you deserve.

ME: Maybe one day

So what is the bit of advice that he gave me?

HIM: Don't give up hope and for God's sake don't settle.

Simple! And though I've had tons of advice over my lifetime from dearest friends and family, for some reason, those words hit me like a ton of bricks. DON'T SETTLE! 

HIM: Rudy Giuliani said, "Never compromise your principles because the worst thing you can do is compromise and lose." You deserve a finished product at this stage of your life.

Okay who walks around with Giuliani quotes in his head? LOL

ME: On the real, I'm not looking for anything. I am going to do me. Make all my dreams come true.

HIM: If someone can add to those dreams then let em in. Easy to say but hard to do... but you got this. Remember Five Heartbeats? Your greatest writing will come once you have known pain.

His 'drop the mic' closing sentiment: Still wish we made love but will have to settle for loving you from afar.

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Do I Have To Be Sad?

A couple days ago my sis-in-law was trying to see how her oldest daughter was coping with my mother's passing. Sis-in-law was curious because there weren't any bouts of sadness or sobbing. My nieces and nephews call her "mama".

This is their conversation....

Sis-in-law: Are you okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?

Niece 1: I'm okay (shrugs)

Sis-in-law: Are you sure? How do you feel about mama's passing?

Niece 1: Well, do I have to be sad?

Sis-in-law: No. You don't have to be sad. You feel however you want to feel.

Niece 1: I'm going to miss her but I'm not sad because I know she's okay. And... I know I'm going to see her again.

And just like that, the conversation is over and there is no question that my 12-year old niece understands what is going on. I will follow her example and trust in the sure knowledge that I will see my mother again. I choose happiness and celebration!

Need Advice, Will Listen

There's this girl. A teenage girl.

She lost her boyfriend through a terrible tragedy.

She wrote on her boyfriend's Facebook page that she misses him and that she can't wait to see him again and that maybe, it will be sooner than later.

What is she trying to say?

What should I say to her?
Should I say anything?

I wish I could help her through her pain.

* * * * * * * * * *
I don't know what it's like to lose someone you love "like that" to a tragic event. Especially as a teenager... when emotions are running high and everything is a dramatic production... think Romeo and Juliet. But I do know that wallowing in the sadness of it is not a way to live.

The Bus Ride

Penned in September 1996

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I sat watching a desert sunrise, reflecting on my life thus far, and absorbed my new surroundings. New Mexico, a barren desert, was a far cry from Hawai'is endless beaches and squawking mynah birds. The beauty of the rising sun entranced me and held me spellbound. It was new to see the sun rise from the earth: a horizon made of land. My sense were ablaze, excited with new sensations, and drowned by the unfamiliar existence.

I left Hawai'i in hopes of finding a different life and New Mexico seemed to fill all the criteria. I loved being in the New Mexico desert but getting there was the memorable part. It was my first bus ride alone. If anyone has ever been on a Greyhound but at Christmas time, you can relate to the chaos.

I think back to that Christmas season in 1994. It was an odd time to leave Hawai'i - my comfort zone, but I felt that if I didn't leave then, I would never leave. I arrived in San Francisco two weeks before Christmas, spent time with some friends, and moved on ahead. I had the choice of either flying to New Mexico on a two hour flight or riding a Greyhound bus for a day and a half. I opted for the bus ride.

Upon entering that crowded bus, I summoned all the courage I had in me to ask a lonely occupant, if the other half of his seat was vacant. It wasn't as hard as I had figured. I tried to get as comfortable as the seat would allow, after all, it was going to be a long trip. I recall sitting there in fascination. I wondered where she had been and where he had been. I wondered where he was going or where she was going. Each one of us had a story to tell.

Bubba was his name and he was an African-American gentleman on his way home after seventeen years away. He was seated across the aisle.

"I just want some home cookin' from mama's grill and I'll be the happiest man alive," he exclaimed.

And that is how we met. Through the hills and all along the California coast we talked. From Hayward to Los Angeles. This comprised six hours of conversation about absolutely nothing and everything. I enjoyed his company and was regretful about separating. He is a genuine character in the pages of my life.

The Pacific Ocean mocked me ans I talked with Bubba.

"Come and taste of my living waters one last time," she whispered.

"Feel the gentle sway of my waves. There is no ocean for you in New Mexico."

Over and over she called out. Her constant taunts aroused a feeling of homesickness in me and I wanted to turn back.

"You from Hawai'i? I saw you flipping tru' yo' book and I seen you' Hawai'i license." A man stood in front of me. Obviously his English was heavily accented with Hawaiian pidgin. I gleamed in response to his inquiry and his use of pidgin. When you're from Hawai'i and you're far from your island home and you meet someone else from Hawai'i, automatically there is a bond. There's that "localness". That spirit. We chatted for a while the he went back to his seat. Before he left, he patted my shoulder and said, "Aloha sista! You take care."

Throughout my journey I encountered diverse characters and people but none were so beautiful to me as the driver of the last leg of my tri. He reminded me of the grandfathers I never knew. His face wore years of hard work but his voice was that of a high school graduate with his entire life ahead of him. There was no conflict in his speech, just energy and youth. His sweet spirit spoke to my own and I felt comforted in his closeness. With a Spanish accent and a humble manner he pleaded with me, "love your family and do all that you can to make yor home a shelter from the storms." Nearly tearful, I shook his hand and gave him a kiss of fondest aloha and departed from him. The strong features of his face are etched in my mind and his sweet words are carved on my heart.

Faces and personalities; Characters and traits; I saw them all on the Greyhound bus. We all shared a common quality. We were running away from something and at the same time, we were all reaching for something else.

So there I sat, watching the sun set on the arid desert. I reflected on my life thus far and I remembered. New Mexico was worlds away from Hawai'i but I loved it. It was common now to see the sun drop into the earth; a horizon made of land. My senses were satisfied and my unfamiliarity became comfort.

So You Fell Down

my first marriage was a series of heartbreaks. i had the opportunity to walk away but i didn't. i stayed and continued to be hurt OVER and OVER again.

i didn't walk because i wanted him to know FOREVER... that i never gave up on us. seems stupid now, to look back at how i used to think. so here are a few of my thoughts on what i've learned.

EVERY experience we have should teach us something... the ONLY lesson that seems to stick with people is the one thing that should be forgotten.

NEVER base your future on past results. getting hurt in a relationship DOES NOT mean that the rest of your relationships are doomed to fail. this is the thing that should be forgotten. past hurt only INSTILLS fear to try again. a hopeless existence has only one source and it is not the Creator.

however, NEVER do the same thing twice because you WILL get the same result. the lessons we should be picking up from our experiences in failed relationships is HOW it went bad and WHY it went bad.

we think that risking our heart was where we messed up. step back. take a look. is that really where you messed up? (if you think that, then you are stuck in your own little pity party.) OR was it because you allowed the other party to take advantage of you too many times UNTIL you lost your identity? ahhh... now you're thinking.

so you fell down. get up. dust yourself off and try again.

ETA : 1 Week

Estimated time of arrival : One week... I'll be 30 in a week.

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30.
They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.