Tuesday, December 26, 2006
The American Working Middle Class is disappearing. The ONLY people that can truly save an entire class of people are intentionally dumbed down and are so beaten by poverty that they have no interest in saving Liberty & the Pursuit of Happiness. Can they be blamed? Hardly!
There is a diabolical force at work on the face of Mother Earth. This force seeks to perpetuate warfare... because WAR=MONEY. They will continually eliminate the working middle class until there is only the EXTREMELY RICH and the EXTREMELY POOR. (98% of the people that read my blog will probably fall into the latter category.) How will they do this? Taxes & Inflation!
If you don't already know -- there is NO law that requires a tax on your income! I've written about this subject MANY times. Folks automatically assume that I must be mistaken. I can assure you that I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT mistaken. To get a brief introduction, I beg you to watch the movie, America: Freedom to Fascism. <---Click the link to watch! The movie comes at the climax of my search for tax freedom.
In America, we pay for convenience. Voluntary compliance to PAY a tax on your income is an example of paying for convenience. The masses in America prefer the easy route of paying a tax even though there is no law that requires you to do so. Don't automatically dismiss my claims. Please look further into it. Your journey can start by watching America: Freedom to Fascism. Then maybe you can check out the Give Me Liberty Website. And if you really wanted to have a conversation with me about it and how I learned all of this, email me!
Revealing the truth is ALL UP TO YOU!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Lastnight was Husband's birthday. We had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's and watched Blood Diamond after. I wish to share with you my reaction to the movie.
I was moved to tears in several scenes in the movie. The apparent disregard for human life was sobering. I swelled with anger in scenes depicting Black African's killing each other. One side represented the government of Sierra Leone while the other side represented the Revolutionary United Front. Though I can certainly identify with the revolutionary spirit, it seemed that the RUF sought to advance its own purposes at the cost of its own people.
In my own endeavor towards revolution, I do not seek to exploit the plight of my people nor do I wish to place them in harms way. I am awakened to the many atrocities that the foreign man has brought to my shore and I am moved to do SOMETHING! ANYTHING!
The first foreigner arrived in these islands in the late 1700's. This cluster of islands, the most isolated place on the planet, hasn't been the same ever since. The foreign man brought disease, chaos and greed to a people that were very obedient to the will of the Gods and the will of mother earth.
The foreign man changed the political landscape of Hawai'i -- as it was soon discovered that, "He who wields the biggest gun holds the power". The steady loss of power to he who wielded the biggest gun climaxed in 1893 when the U.S. Military docked its ships in Honolulu Harbor, pointed their cannons to 'Iolani Palace, as white, American businessmen demanded that the Queen relinquish her throne or suffer the anihilation of her people.
Had I been there, I would have GLADLY fought the greedy American from invading and occupying my island nation. I would have laid my life on the line to preserve a way of life that was subservient to God and Mother Earth. The sins of white America are lengthy but I reserve judgement because it is not mine to pass.
An American system of government was imposed on my people and it has proven to be profitable for U.S.A. It makes me sad that Hawaiians haven't been given the necessary tools to be able to navigate through America's legal system. Most are content with the free handouts - welfare - and have no desire to lift their level of awareness. My heart burns with sadness at the diseases that plagues the indigenous people of Hawai'i... the greatest being IGNORANCE.
And as Hawai'i turns into a playground for the rich, with skyrocketing property values and a billion dollar tourist industry, my people are being displaced. This land once belonged to the Gods until white America found it, exploited it, continues to exploit it and sells it off to the highest bidder.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
I just got through watching Primetime on ABC. The episode posed the question, Six Degrees of Separation: Fact or Fiction? The going theory is that we are all connected within six contacts. Primetime tested the theory using a small sampling in the Big Apple.
It is quite amazing how "small" the world really is. All the different avenues of communication shrinks the world considerably.
So -- who do you want to meet? And with a connectedness within six contacts -- why haven't you met that person?
Monday, December 11, 2006
I am moving beyond those negative vibrations and I feel so light. So empowered to create my existence. I feel so full of unconditional love and affection toward the people around me.
I am transforming, as a caterpillar into a BUTTERFLY, and am excited about the possibilities that are ahead of me. Attempting to become the woman I am born to be has proved to be an exhilirating ride of discovery. And as I move towards becoming HER, I naturally rid myself of things I no longer need. Kicked the cigarettes and alcohol 15 months ago. In exchange, I packed on excess pounds... and even that is melting away as I learn to visualize myself as the woman I TRULY am. Intelligent. Beautiful. Strong. Loving. Worthy of being loved. Compassionate!
So lets toast, "To becoming who we're DESTINED to be!"
Friday, December 01, 2006
The lawn had just been cut. The sun was beaming. Sky was blue without a cloud in sight. The cafeteria in the distance wafted the smell of freshly baked bread. It was silent except for the occasional car passing by.
I must have looked strange in the middle of that field, laying there like a girl WITHOUT a care in the world. That's how I've been feeling lately.... unbelievably happy, JOYOUS; a woman WITH ONLY wonderful things happening.
I'm so GRATEFUL for all the things I've ever experienced in my life, all the things I have now and all the things that are on its way.
Friday, November 24, 2006
File Thanksgiving as another STUPID, AMERICAN Holiday.
Really, I can't be upset about it though, I have two paid days off... so I should be grateful for Thanksgiving.
Everyday is a day to be thankful. I BEGIN my days with gratitude. I take my 20 minutes of meditation time in the morning to give thanks to God for all the WONDERFUL people and wonderful things I have in my life... then I VISUALIZE my life... exactly as I want it to be. No doubt -- this has been the most empowering thing I have EVER done for myself.
Why do people get so caught up in Thanksgiving?
I spent Thanksgiving day body boarding at my favorite beach.... We ate some kosher, beef hot dogs and potato salad and some chips.... some laulau (pork and fish wrapped with greens and cooked for a realllllly long time) and that's it. It doesn't get any better than that. I mean -- we was in CHILL mode. We didn't kill ourselves, slaving over a hot stove, breaking the bank to feed everybody and their mama. We just hung out at the beach and it was great.
Came home -- and my neighbor had cooked a HUGE meal and had nobody to eat it with... so husband and I ate at her crib too. We played a round of scrabble. Watched Nacho Libre. Laughed my butt off then went straight to bed.
It was a great day... even if it is a stupid American holiday. LOL...
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I often find myself so busy without any time to do things I TRULY love doing. I love blogging but some "other obsessions" have stolen my time this past week.
- Lastnight I found myself in front of the "boob tube" watching HGTV. Design On a Dime has been a recent addiction.
- Sleep has found its way into my life. I used to get by on about four hours of sleep a night... but lately... deep slumber visits me.
- I've begun starting my mornings with Billy Blanks... TaeBo Cardio. The time is now to get back in shape. Husband and I haven't been taking care of ourselves the way we used to when we first met. LOL... I want my beautiful body back!!! **winks**
- I'm working at a new joint that I absolutely love. I might even find some time at work to sneak some blogging in.
- After my morning workouts with Billy Blanks, I tune my digital cable box to the Music Choice Soundscapes channel and have been doing some visualizing, positive affirmations exercises. It feels great!!!
These have been my past weeks addictions. Please pardon my absence from the BLOGGING scene.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
I watched the most extraordinary movie and it has totally helped me ALTER my life... in minutes. It is THAT serious!!
You would not believe the results I've experienced in such a short time, using "The Secret".
Do it for yourself... go ahead and either BUY the DVD or pay the $5 bucks to pay-per-view-it.
Do you know what your life will look like in the next week, in the next 30 days, in the next 6 months, in the next year? Watch The Secret and use the tools.
I know I sound like an infomercial right about now but two posts ago -- I was down in the dumps. Watching this movie has awakened me!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I apologized to my husband today for how terrible I've been... for the negative thoughts I've had and for also how those thoughts have manifested. I have to thank Hassan for checkin' me and reminding me to be grateful for what I DO have.
I have a wonderful man that loves me and puts up with my strange moods. I am able to attain the highest of highs. With that, in contrast, I have also visited the lowest of lows.
I am a spoiled woman. I want what I want and am not the happiest camper if I don't get what I want. He and I have been in such a strange funk lately. Life is so mundane and not full of the energy that I usually enjoy.
I desire that "swept off my feet" vibe that I had when he and I first met. It was magical. When I met my husband, he represented EVERYTHING I had longed for. The funny thing is -- he is STILL that man... and then some. I am so blessed! So very blessed to have this strong man traveling this path with me.
I am grateful to the MOST HIGH for gracing my life with HIM.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Void of Passion
Crying myself to sleep... longing for something I CANNOT have.
What I have now is more than I've ever had before... yet the one level that manifests physical is illusive.
"Is it still good to ya?"
Saturday, November 04, 2006
She's mad that he brought his tail in from the night before at 9am. She's the only one I hear clearly. Her man is barely audible. In her anger, every other word begins with 'F'. I do feel a certain degree of compassion for whatever trials the woman must be experiencing but is there anyway that she might be able to clean up her vocabulary?
I'm no judge of her parenting skills. I'm sure she's a wonderful mother but foul-mouthed parents will MAKE foul-mouthed kids.
I'm reminded of how my mother would tell me that she'd wash my mouth out with soap -- to clean up the mean things I'd say. I can't imagine what she'd have to say about my neighbors.
If this post comes off as "mightier-than-thou"... I apologize. I just started my day WONDERFULLY until the neighbors erupted in a cuss-word-storm.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
A couple of years ago, I gave a gift to a friend... naw she's more than that... she's like a sister. Anyway, I created a series of gifts for her for Christmas.
At the time, I had just separated from my ex-husband and had been without him for like four months. Consequently, she had been there for me through every snot-nosed, tears streaming like a river, eyes puffy, nose swollen cry session and passed no judgement on me and the man I was in love with.
Since giving the gift, I haven't duplicated it nor have I felt as sentimental as I did that Christmas season.
One of the gifts I gave, in the series, was a heart-shaped box filled with a hundred questions that I hand-wrote and rolled into seperate scrolls. I'm a fanatic about diaries and journals. The only time she'd start a journal was when she was going through a break-up so to encourage her to keep writing, I did the hundred question thing. That was a gift I wish someone had given me.
What's yours? What's a gift you gave that you wish someone gave to you?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
"I apologies for my grammer but I'm no English major....just a guy who grew up in the 60's & 70's in the street of Chicago and join the US NAVY for 21 years who inturn put myself thru Nursing school.
I'm so incensed at your blog that I had to speak again, First of all what do you know about Revolution? you are a kid and a foolish one at that! 2nd what could you possibly know about WAR! except from what you seen on TV, I'm so gald that people like yourself voice was ignore in 1775-1778 then again from 1861-1865 and at last 1941-1945 but 1861-1865 where most important to me because they said that about my people (Democracy) is that what they want? your so called inlighten ones said we (black people)where to stupid to understand Democracy and what would we do with it if we got it , what would we do with freemdom.....hummmm 100 years after that my people where still trying to get freedom and democracy . How many Americans died for my Democracy?....was it worth it?
The 60's that you speak about was more about Civil rights and democracy for my people...was it worth it the murders the bombing the hanging..etc you know nothing of the 60' or revoltion."
This was my response to him:
"ST... did you just read my blog? did you read what the United States military, that you are SO proud of, has to say about democracy?
obviously, you are not an english major...and neither are you a student of history.
when the declaration of independence was penned... when the bill of rights and the constitution was penned... a DEMOCRACY was not their target. i hold no emotional attachment to the founding fathers of the united States... but i can say without hesitation that a DEMOCRACY was not their intention at all.
you're familiar with the pledge of allegiance, right? may i quote it? "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the REPUBLIC for which it stands..." did it say, to the DEMOCRACY? naw bruh.
you are OBVIOUSLY a victim of public education. may i quote president woodrow wilson... "We want one class to have a liberal education. We want another class, a very much larger class of necessity, to forego the privilege of a liberal education and fit themselves to perform specific difficult manual tasks."
you, my friend, are part of the class that had to skip the liberal education to fit yourself to perform specific, difficult, manual tasks.
if you follow the money trail... and there's ALWAYS a money trail... you'd find that both world wars were funded by the same families. the vietnam war wasn't about defeating communism... even though that's what the government had you believe. and this iraq war is NOWHERE near being about democracy.
my advice to you is to stop watching the mainstream media... cuz that is the biggest culprit of mass hypnotism... and start thinking for YOURSELF."
The saga continues. It's not his fault that the he has NEVER read any objective literature. He's a brain-washed whore for the military... sold his soul to be on CONSTANT errand for the federal government. He's fighting someone else's war for the romantic illusion that democracy is the goal. GET REAL! How else can public opinion be swayed, lest it be for an agreeable goal?
**FYI: I used to do the tap dance for the ARMY -- husband served in Iraq... don't tell me I know nothing of war.** And one more thing there is no EXCUSE for the use of depleted uranium. Would a country that is noble and has ONLY good intentions use something as evil as depleted uranium? But that's another blog ENTIRELY! Watch a short video HERE.
Monday, October 30, 2006
"People get ready, there's a train a-coming.
Don't need no baggage, you just get on board.
All you need is faith to hear the diesel humming.
Don't need no ticket. You just thank the Lord."
So I kinda changed up my blog... slightly. Created the new banner and just switched stuff around.
Lately... my topics have been heavy and those feelings have been bringing me wayyy down. I need to raise the vibration 'round these parts and bring back the hopeful side of me.
I've been contemplating several different creative ventures. And how do I say this... but I think they're too aggressive; too unpredictable for husband's taste. I yearn to express myself on MY OWN TIME, my own dime... without a boss to tap dance for.
My soul naturally reaches for that which is hypothetical, visionary, revolutionary. I'm a dreamer.
What I'm finding is that I skip along to my OWN rhythm and my own rhyme without logic, pattern, routine or reason. The puppet strings that once animated me have been severed and I'm ready to dream my biggest dream.
"People get ready there's a train a-coming
Don't need no baggage
You just get on board
All you need is faith
To hear that diesel humming
Don't need no ticket
You just thank the Lord"
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I posted my last entry (read that entry below... "We the Sheeple") on Yahoo-360. The only responses I got were from the same person. I'd like to post his first response.
The reason the 60's are gone is because most of them were dope heads and were anti-American ...over 3,000 Americans lives where lost on 9/11 where are there civil-liberties in the grave with them, we are at war and you want anti-war. Here is a good cause for you last year 2005 50,000 not 500 or 5,000 but 50,0000 Americans lost there lives by drug over dose , murder(18,000) car accident, and my personal favorite suicide(11,000 +) I'm a Nurse and I see death every day ...we are train to fight in WAR thats what we do! if you want to protest, there 50,000 graves protest that and there are 3,000 + graves from 9/11 protest that! stop wasteing your time with train professional!
Aside from the grammar issues, I have no problem with his response. In fact, he CLEARLY proves to me WHY we need not be in this war. If we have problems right in our own land, WHY are we in someone else's country, raising havoc? That's a no-brainer.
Every Saturday on public access TV, they show a speech given by Minister Farrakhan. I tune in ALL the time to hear the knowledge he spits. Today's speech FOCUSED in on the United States government, specifically the CIA and how they INTENTIONALLY seek to destroy any kind of movement that is not in the interests of corporate America. He also went on to say that this is done internationally as well. They prepare the replacement then oust the person in charge. Think SADDAM HUSSEIN. Now America is in Iraq and the general public thinks we should be giving the people of Iraq a democracy. Is that what they want?
Does democracy mean freedom? Has democracy been a good thing for America? Democracy wasn't the intent of the founding fathers of this country. We are a republic. In a republic, the people are the MASTERS and the government is his servent. In a democracy, the will of the majority is law. Anything is allowed so long as the majority approves. A lynch mob qualifies as a democracy.
Let me quote from the U.S. Army Training Manual TM2000-05, 1928
Democracy, n. "A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any form of "direct" expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic - negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it be based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Results in demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy."
Interesting. The U.S. Army has been successful in instituting democracy in the Middle East. The results are demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, and COMPLETE and TOTAL ANARCHY.
I'm not sure if I even addressed the issues that bruh man brought to me, as was my original intent with this post. However, I got a lotta things off my chest that I felt like speaking on.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Sometimes I get so down when I think about the state of the world. I look at my generation and wonder where all the passionate people went.
Why aren't there mass anti-war demonstrations like in the 60's? Do we need a draft to spur people into action?
Have I been born in the wrong generation? When will this generation STAND UP and be TOTALLY interested in the world that is left for their children?
Why aren't there more people questioning the loss of their civil liberties?
When government passes laws that are totally anti-freedom, why aren't MORE people speaking up about it?
Are we truly more interested in the state of our sexual prowess than we are in the world that we leave for our children?
Are we more interested in our bank accounts than we are in the environment we raise our children in?
Do more laws mean less criminals?
Do people really understand what is of true value? The lines have been blurred and generations have been raised on the almighty dollar being the measure of value.
**sigh** It's sad... yet I want to maintain my belief that SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE people will stand up and do something. ANYTHING!
Get interested! The time is NOW! Watch the FREE MOVIE here.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Photo courtesy of MotherNature-Hawaii
Here I am... No real damage done to me or mine.
708am, Sunday -- I find myself violently shaking in my bed. I get up, glance around, grab onto my husband and realize that I had just experienced an earthquake... first time in my life. As I begin to calm down, I hear an EXTREMELY loud rumbling and start to see the house begin to shake... again. My heart hadn't even slowed its pace from the first quake and round two was already upon us.
As I said -- no damage done to me or mine.
Five minutes after the quake, Hawaiian Electric cut the power to the ENTIRE main island of O'ahu... which is the one I reside on. It happened to be THEEE hottest day of the year. Oddly, folks on the island of Hawai'i, closest to the epicenter of the quake went but five minutes WITHOUT power and it was back on. One is led to question WHY the island of O'ahu went without electric for over 12 hours... for some even LONGER.
If that wasn't strange enough, I remember early this past summer, HECO orchestrated an INTENTIONAL black out to over 35,000 customers in the urban areas of Honolulu for over 4 hours. I remember the spokesperson for HECO warning consumers to expect more.
I could go into greater detail about the theories floating around from some of my recent reading material and lectures I've attended. There's peak oil -- you can read Crossing the Rubicon by Michael Ruppert. Excellent read and TOTALLY believable. He ties in the 9/11 theories of government involvement in the orchestrating of the collapse of the three towers in NYC.
At the exact OPPOSITE end of peak-oil theory is the "Enery Non-Crisis". I attended a recent lecture featuring Lindsey Williams, author of "The Energy Non Crisis". He speaks of government manipulation of fuel prices that will make the energy crisis of the 70's look like a walk in the park. He expects the price of fuel to rise beyond $7/gallon AFTER the November elections.
Whatever you choose to read about Energy is TOTALLY up to you -- but read something. DON'T DON'T DON'T believe everything you hear on the network news. **sigh**
After being WITHOUT the modern convenience of electric for nearly 24 hours, I was instantly reminded of EVERYTHING I had read and listened in on. Though our family was TOTALLY prepared for such an event, I was still very agitated at the very real idea of a FORCED blackout... as the HECO spokesman had alluded to, earlier in the summer.
I feel like this whole entire country is one huge PETRIE dish. We are the controlled environment. We are force-fed network news to sway general opinion. Events like 9/11... stimuli! Katrina... stimuli! Iraq... stimuli! Fans of the TV series, The Lost, can probably relate to this idea I'm feeling.
The weather -- It was eeerily still... like the calm before a HUGE storm. It was weird and I totally neglected taking pictures of the ocean and the skies. I was way busy battling the heat and humidity and battling the thoughts of being manipulated by the powers that be -- the secret combinations.
America, WAKE UP!
The end thought of this post, The Aftermath: My mind is as sharp as ever, my soul not yet wounded by a decaying society, my heart -- hopeful!
Monday, October 09, 2006
I called in sick. Went to my mother's house. Sipped on some hot tea while we had a movie marathon. Okay well... it wasn't a marathon. We watched two movies, though.
First up was Last Holiday. Starring Queen Latifah. I had wanted to see it in the theatres but never got the chance. It was kinda fun. No brain cells needed to process the movie. I don't think Latifah is that great of an actress but I admire her nonetheless. I love L.L. -- the dimples and lickin' his lips. Yummy!!! The story -- simple enough. Alls well, ends well... happy ending. Yay!
Second up was Chocolat. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It was so European. Wherever they filmed it was just wonderful. Old buildings. Glorious facades. A small town built around a cathedral. Those very things that I loved about the movie is what made me so homesick on my own visit to Europe. That's another blog though... I think I'll revisit the topic in another blog. The story was simple enough... and its told a million times over. The love scenes were quite steamy!
So anyway -- that's how I spent my sick day. Curled up, sipping hot tea and watching movies.
I got a new gig downtown... makin' the kinda money I should be making. I'll have to commute now but it's worth it for the very specific financial goals I have.
My old job is kinda hanging on to me for dear life. I'm slightly irritated. Boss Lady claims she needs me but won't give me the status I need to reach my goals. So... I had to bounce. It was just too convenient for them to have me and not fulfill any of my needs.
Husband and I moved... our place is HUGE... its great!
So I'm sniffling and sneezing and coughing, eyes all watery, ache-y... and all I wanna do is SLEEP.
See yall in a few...
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
This has been a VERY rough month for me.
I have never felt so displaced as I do today. There are several reasons why it is so.
First and foremost -- caring for my mother has proven to be QUITE challenging. She is still very stubborn and VERY dramatic.
Number two -- My husband should come first and for the most part he does... but as a dutiful daughter I feel a compelling need to care for my mother and in the process have neglected the needs of my own little family. Thank the Lord above that my husband is so understanding and supportive.
Number three -- it's been a transition for me... as far as careers go... I've been working on the Charter School thing and for the most part, it's a waiting game now. I've submitted several grant applications and the team has been patiently waiting for responses. In the meantime, I've been temping to pay the bills and I thought I'd never say this but -- I want to get stable. I want to lay down some roots and really dig in and SETTLE down. **sigh**
Husband has been really supportive through all of this. Right now, he's attending school and its really great. I think he's tired of the whole school thing and wants to get out and WORK. I support whatever decision he makes. I'm a firm believer that you can do WHATEVER you put your mind to -- with OR without an education.
I've thrown all my cards into the air and as they chaotically, haphazardly fall from the sky -- they will LAY where they will LAY... and I will be just fine.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
This past weekend was VERY strange.
Husband and I have been arguing all weekend long... like CATS & DOGS! The contention has been overwhelming.
I love him dearly but lately we've just been so impatient with each other. I've been under enormous amounts of stress and something needs to give. I'm afraid to ask my husband to wait while I put my mothers house in order because my husband should be FIRST.... but such is the case.
Often times, when he and I get into it like this -- the first thing we talk about is walking away and not looking back. Divorce and living without each other. After all the arguing and disagreeing and we're just fed up to the HIGHEST, it usually goes down like this....
HIM: so what u wanna do?
ME: what u WANNA do?
HIM: u couldn't handle life without me.
ME: trust me. i've done it before. i don't NEED u.
HIM: yeah right. u wouldn't even make it if i left.
ME: no you wouldn't make it.
Going through the same dialogue after we've done arguing feeds that temporary desire to be rid of each other. And we repeat this dialogue ALL.THE.TIME. Is it healthy? I don't know. It's become a tradition with us.
Truth be told, I love my husband. He is such a positive force in my life. Right now we're struggling through the mundane and we'll get through it.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sometimes life gets hard. Today was one of those days. I REALLY needed a hug today.
Why do we stop hugging as we get older?
I'm still tearing up as I write this over all the "burdens" I've created for myself. With my recovering mother, two brothers under 13, a husband that requires some maintenance, several business ventures that are currently suspended, moving and on and on -- I'm pooped!
I need to talk but I hate burdening folks with my issues. I need to PURGE. I attempted that with HUSBAND earlier in the day but... it exploded into something ENTIRELY different. I must perservere. As the cartoon CLEARLY illustrates -- I MUST NEVER GIVE UP!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
In such a public forum as this blog, I OFTEN over-expose (is that a word?) myself. However, I feel a WONDERFUL unburdening as I purge through writing. Bare with me.
I have experienced a myriad of emotions in the past couple of weeks and I'd like to share some of that. My mother had her first stroke in December 1995. She had her fourth and fifth stroke on August 26th, 2006. My mother and I have never really clicked. We are so alike in how we approach things that we OFTEN butt heads. Adding to the stress of an ailing mother-daughter relationship is how much resentment I've held onto over the years. I release that resentment RIGHT NOW! I no longer wish to punish her or myself OVER and OVER for past misunderstandings.
I wasn't prepared for what I seen in my mothers hospital bed the day after her stroke, Sunday. The woman I saw there was NOT my mother. I knew my mother to be strong and completely resilient through lifes trials. The woman laying in that hospital bed had TRULY given up. As our family gathered, I was the ONLY one losing it. I couldn't keep it together. The tears just kept falling as I pondered a life without my mother. I know there will come a time when I will have to let her go but I am not prepared for her to go anytime soon.
My mother told me to jot down her wishes for her funeral. She wanted to assign the speakers and who would give her eulogy and what kind of flowers she wanted and what songs she wanted sung. The flood of tears came rushing and I was completely unable to stop it. She drifted in and out of consciousness so my family sat in the lobby as my father attended her.
Without giving an entire "blow-by-blow" of my mothers sickness, she MADE IT OUT. She was able to come home on Labor Day. She suffers with slight paralysis on her left side but she's confident that she'll learn to use it again. That's the woman I know!
Through all of this, I am determined NOW more than ever to cherish my mother. I am motivated to write her life story and get to know the woman OUTSIDE of her just being my mother. I want to speak her language fluently. I want to know my culture more deeply. I want to be the woman she would have me be. I live to make her proud of me.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
I don't quite remember at what point my world shifted but it did and I'm glad.
I kicked the tobacco a year ago, however I did experience ONE relapse. I kicked the alcohol as well. Having disciplined myself to refrain from such shackles has opened up my mind and my soul to ACCEPT the love, light, truth and knowledge that has rained on me from the heavens.
So in my efforts to move away from things that harm me, I have TRULY found my DIVINE-ness. I have found the part of me that communes with God. I have never been happier. I have never known this much joy.
Monday, August 21, 2006
An accident happened about a mile and a half away from my home. One occured at 4am, early Saturday morning. At the same site, about 12 hours later, two visitors to the fatal morning crash were run over by a car and died. What a tragedy. The teens were ages 14 through 16. I don't know any of the children personally but I know their families.
I'm taken back to a fateful night 12 years ago when in that same area, I was involved in a car accident that could have easily ended my life. We thought joy-riding would be a great way to end our Sunday evening. I had every intention of getting loaded that evening. The driver was already drunk and foolishly, I got into the car.
There were five of us and we were riding a dropped, black '78 Lincoln, refurbished with a corvette engine. We rode around for hours and I remained totally sober. It was 1030 in the evening and I had a gnawing feeling to go home. The driver was upset that I wanted to go home so soon but obliged my request.
The roads here have lots of curves because the road follows the natural outline of the coast. The driver was taking the curves so fast. Every bump in the road would cause sparks to fly from beneath us due to the bottom of the car slamming the asphalt. I can't even pretend to tell you that I was having fun on that ride home. Just less than two miles away from my home, we took a blind corner on the wrong side of the road. To avoid crashing into an oncoming car, the driver pulled hard to get back in the right lane and headed straight for the light post.
I distinctly remember EVERYONE passing out as I looked around me in those quick seconds before impact. My heart dropped because I felt that my life was TRULY going to end and I felt so ill prepared to meet my maker and give him an accounting of how useless my life had been.
I was TOTALLY conscious when the huge '78 Lincoln slammed into the utility pole. I sat in the back, in the middle and the impact caused me to fly forward into the dashboard and windshield then fly to the rear windshield and dash. I was cut and bruised and TERRIFIED but still alive. Samu, one of my dearest friends in my whole entire life, had been seated next to me and he quickly thrusted me out of the passenger window. (Sidebar: If you google '78 Lincoln - you'll see that it's a huge car with just two doors.)
I landed in a mangle of tree branches but I was glad to be out. I assisted the other two from the back of the car. The driver and the front passenger were trapped in their seats, smashed up against the dash. Upon my exit, the utility pole had snapped in half. It was my fortune that the pole landed on the opposing side of where I had landed in the trees. The wires were live electric wires and I had escaped that as well.
All five of us had been spared that evening. The driver works a fish boat in Seattle. The front passenger, my Mishie is an angel in heaven as she lost her life in 2001 to cancer. Samu -- my superman -- is married with a daughter and just purchased his first home in Oakland. Toe (pronounced Toe-way) is married with 4 children and just moved back to Hawai'i from the Bay Area. Then there's me.
Here I am with a purpose. With an intense knowledge that the Lord has spared me for a very specific reason. It will be my mission to seek out what I can contribute to the world.
“Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure! It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us…
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us – it is in everyone.”
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I have Sunday left in my weekend and my weekend has already been so full.
Friday - In the evening we attended a reggae concert that was at a private Christian university... which meant no smokie-smoke and NO drinkie-drink. It was great to be in such a CLEAN environment, being able to listen to really, really good, organic reggae music. It was WONDERFUL! Katchafire is a band from Aotearoa. You can search them on YouTube and view live performances but I can assure you that the videos do not translate the organic realness of the music.
Naturally, I have a critique to share.
Katchafire's musical gifts are GLORIOUS. Each musician is competent in playing several different instruments. In a world where synthetic sound is abundant and sampled music is the norm, it was refreshing to see, hear and feel the wonderful vibe of REAL music.
Most of the concert was original music. The downside of playing original music is that the songs start to run into each other. Reggae music, with its heavy, monotonous rhythm already has the potential of falling into a flat routine of uniformed sound. Enter a songwriter that follows the same pattern of writing music and all the songs mesh and drone on like a REALLY long song.
However, the triumphs of each individual musician far outweigh the downside that I mentioned. The vocals were pleasing to the ear though with some songs, it was hard to understand what was being said. The skill and the showmanship was exciting to watch. Katchafire was truly able to bring the majority of the attendee's to its feet.
They covered two Bob Marley classics. Their rendition of Redemption Song had a nice, crisp, original spin that I thoroughly enjoyed. That distinct, abstract bass line that was so indicative of The Wailers sound was well-duplicated, yet Katchafire was able to deliver their own distinct voice. They also sang out the refrain: "One Love, One Heart. Let's get together and feel alright." That was truly a crowd-pleaser.
Actually, hearing Redemption Song reinvigorated me with my own primal urges to infuse goodness in my community and in the world. May I rise to those aspirations.
Overall, this concert was worth beyond the $10 ticket fee. Katchafire translated their passion for music and an intense love for reggae. The number in attendance was sparse but is not a reflection on Katchafire's skill. I hope their talent carries them throughout the world, spreading their sunshine.
Friday, August 11, 2006
So many are influenced by pop "cult"ure.... worshipping celebrities or celebrity lifestyles.... coveting that which is temporary. Celebrities often fall out of fame and fortune. Cars and rims eventually rust and fall apart. When death befalls you... the money, diamonds, gold, and silver stay while your soul moves toward whatever it has sowed.
Folks rarely evaluate themselves to gauge where they're at. When I sat down a year ago and looked at my life, I didn't like the life I had created for myself. I had been so caught up in my own day-to-day dealings, so influenced by pop "cult"ure, so distracted by societies ideals... so caught up that I couldn't even recognize God speaking in me... urging me to find what my gift to the Universe will be.
I don't pretend to know what the gift is. However, I am NO LONGER sitting idly by... watching opportunities to effect positive change pass me. I had talked about "doing something" to help change the world but I had never done anything about it. What I have found on Yahoo and BlogSpot is that people TALK a whole bunch but do nothing else... while needy families starve in what is supposed to be the richest nation in the world.... while soldiers are dying in IRAQ, defending oil fields... while innocent IRAQI people die in the streets of their own land... the media blames insurgents... but that's heresay. America hasn't had a free press in decades... if not a century. (That's another blog.)
So what am I saying? I'm saying: DON'T STAND IDLY BY. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING TO EFFECT POSITIVE CHANGE. Don't believe everything you hear on the news. Listen to the spirit inside you that can define for you what is truth. What appeals to logic may not always be the truth.... so listen to that voice inside to help guide your actions.
This is where I am today.
Monday, August 07, 2006
I'm feeling so sentimental today. Feeling like... like... like life couldn't be better than it is today.
I was looking through my old journal and stumbled upon this article. I got the piece from VIBE Magazine... January or February issue, 2002 and clipped it. It is my ABSOLUTE favorite article about love I have ever read... so simple and so me!
Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Cheo Hodari Coker
Love. Can't define it. Refuse to. Ask 10 different people what love is, and you'll get 20 different answers. I could probably give you 40, most of them stolen from moments I've experienced with Dinah Washington ("...the thought of you makes my temperature rise... like a summer with a thousand July's..."); Prince ("What's it gonna be, baby? Do you want him? Or do you want me? 'Cause I want you"); or even Ghostface Killah ("Your whole body looks wild / With your rugged profile / Enough to make a hardrock smile").
May 12, 2001, was the day my ship came in. As I stood in front of my bride, looking into her eyes, I was rendered speechless by her beauty. Never more so than that day. I was holding my wedding vows and being asked to define the one thing I could never find words to express, to an audience of 130 people. Well, here goes nothing.
"My feelings for you remain so profound, so primal, so real, that I lack ability to voice them," I said. "Why does God feel I am worthy of one of his angels? I'll never know. But I've learned never to question His gifts, but instead to cherish them as I do the air that I breathe.
"I promise to always protect this beautiful friendship that we have - to communicate, to listen, to appreciate, to praise you. I stand here in awe of you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And maybe one day, I'll create a phrase that fully encompasses my feelings. Something deeper than the three words that leap from my heart every single time I hear your voice, look into your eyes, or hear the simple mention of your name: I love you."
Not a dry eye in the house. But I was cool. Didn't tear up or nothin'. I smirked. I was the man. But then as Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You" fell from the sound system like a gentle rain, I felt that twinge. This is it. This is the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I saw our children - and grandchildren - flash in front of my eyes. The house. The anniversary parties. The whole nine.
Not gonna cry. I looked at her through the veil, tears of joy running down her face, ruining her makeup. Beginning to waiver, but no tears. "We did it," she whispered. "We made it." I started bawling. The whole world disappeared, and it was just me, her, and Donny Hathaway's voice.
I love you in a place where there's no space or time. I love you for my life. You're a friend of mine. And when my life is over. Remember when we were together. We were alone. And I was singing this song to you....
That's my definition of love.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Then, after all that good news, a smile crept across his face. It wasn't that NORMAL, happy smile. It was a JOYFUL smile. And my husband has the most beautiful smile in the world yet I can still tell the difference between happy and joyful.
He proceeded to tell me about Jesse from Ghana.
"Babe, I met somebody from Africa today."
"Really?" I said. "What happened?"
Husband began, "I was walking and he came right up to me and introduced himself."
I smiled at his excitement. "And? What did he say?"
Husband stood up from the lounging position we were in on the sofa and walked to the entertainment center. He reached for the globe on top, searched for Ghana and continued.
"I was so surprised. Dude walked up to me. Said this was the first time he seen me around and was like, I'm Jesse. I come from Ghana. He didn't approach me with, nigga-dis-nigga-dat."
I thought to myself that husband had such an interesting perspective on the introduction.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Your well-being has always weighted heavy on my mind. I felt like I could have done more to help you see past the pain. But I knew you'd make it out on your own time. A bit of advice, if I may... send her flowers at work for no reason... just cuz you miss her or you love her. That can erase self-doubt and animosity. The gesture has the power to make a woman fall in love over and over again. You will never go wrong with that. "Find 100 Ways". Do at least one nice thing for her everyday. A woman needs constant reassurance and IT IS YOUR job to make sure she gets it. Whether it's a little note in her purse or lipstick notes on the mirror, big or small, it doesn't matter. Be kind and ever compassionate. Let me stop.
Your soul is so beautiful, so beyond explanation. The both of you are blessed to have each other. Be good to each other. Live a beautiful life full of love and joy... maybe one day we'll run into each other again. Please know that you will always have a soft spot in my heart. Just cuz we're not married to each other anymore, doesn't mean that soft spot went away. *winks*
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
This is what I have on my "plate" currently...
-creating a charter school, acquiring funding, creating curriculum... all that stuff
-acquiring real estate -- i want my first piece of property
-conceiving -- i'm ready as i'll ever be
-involvement in my community association -- a work in progress. i'm still trying to figure out the in's and out's of it
-the freedom fight -- check sites like http://www.imfdecoder.com or http://www.sorce190.com or http://www.givemeliberty.org or http://www.freedomtofascism.com/ -- by far... the most rewarding!!
...my brother and i have joint endeavors as well... and we're going to begin working on it. a magazine -- he and i are still figuring out the actual theme... brainstorming is ongoing.
My commitment to meeting and exceeding my goals is a fairly recent ideal. At least for me, it is. i attended a Champions Workshop and continued to Personal Mastery. (Find this series of workshops at http://www.klemmer.com ) it has changed my life -- in so many good and exciting ways. I am more aware of where i'd like to go and what i'd like my life to mean. This human existence is such a short period of time in the eons that my soul has existed. Why get stuck reliving the bad "stuff" that happened in this world? My eyes are focused on eternity and helping others see the vision!
Seems I'm content and excited about the power in my soul that is able to effect POSITIVE change.
I'm willing to walk the walk. Are you?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
It's 345am, early Tuesday morning.
I'm listening to KJLH 102.3FM, broadcasting from Los Angeles, California.
I can't sleep.
I've been thinkin' of buying a house. Two story, 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home located on the street I grew up on. The idea of living there and owning the home consumes ALL of my daily thoughts.... and apparently, it consumes my sleep time as well. I fall asleep thinking about owning that home. I have been concentrating so intently on that piece of real estate... hoping to attract all the positive energy in the universe. I define, right now, my truest desire is that of owning that home.
I don't have a detailed plan of how I'll be able to acquire the home. Financing - **shrugs** - don't know what Imma do but I have FULL faith that God and the universe is preparing folks to help me in this endeavor.
All I know is that my intent will move me into that home, God-willing. If you have positive vibes, please send them my way.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Hawaii is home to yet another national champion...today a twelve group of girls from Laie did the trick in Chicago.
Twenty-four teams from six different pools with a handful of teams from Hawaii competed...
Na Wahine Koa from the North Shore defeated a team from Kailua to get into the finals... where they met Newport Beach of California..
A goal by Kahi Naeole and another by Rachelle Tailele in overtime lifted the Hawaii team to a 2-1 win...
The team was a perfect 8-and-0 throughout the 2006 Ayso Nationals...and bring home the gold medal on Thursday.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed." ~Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence
Since God created man with certain inalienable rights, and man, in turn, created government to help secure and safeguard those rights, it follows that man is superior to government and should remain master over it, not the other way around. As said so appropriately by Lord Acton:
"It was from America that the plain ideas that men ought to mind their own business, and that the nation is responsible to Heaven for the acts of the State, - ideas long locked in the breast of solitary thinkers, and hidden among Latin folios, - burst forth like a conqueror upon the world they were destined to transform, under the title of the Rights of Man....
"...and the principle gained ground, that a nation can never abandon its fate to an authority it cannot control."(The History of Freedom and Other Essays, 1907, pp. 55-56)
We also need to keep before us the truth that people who do not master themselves and their appetites will soon be mastered by government.
I wonder if we are not rearing a generation that seemingly does not understand this fundamental principle. Yet this is the principle that separates our country from all others. The central issue before the people today is the same issue that inflamed the hearts of our Founding Fathers in 1776 to strike out for independence. That issue is whether the individual exists for the state or whether the state exists for the individual.
In a republic, the real danger is that we may slowly slide into a condition of slavery of the individual to the state rather than entering this condition by a sudden revolution. The loss of our liberties might easily come about, not through the ballot box, but through the abandonment of the fundamental teachings from God and this basic principle upon which our country was founded. Such a condition is usually brought about by a series of little steps which, at the time, seem justified by a variety of reasons.
Yes, I thank God for the sacrifices and efforts made by our Founding Fathers, whose efforts brought us the blessings we have today. Their lives should be reminders to us that we are blessed beneficiaries of a liberty earned by great sacrifice of property, reputation, and life. There should be no doubt what our task is today. If we truly cherish the freedoms we have, we must instill these sacred principles in the hearts and minds of our youth. We have the obligation to rekindle the flame that existed two hundred years ago among those who pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. The opportunity for patriots to do so again is clearly upon us.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Today ended all wrong.
I'm sitting here -- blogging. That's a good thing. I've finally etched out some time to sit here and let my fingers hit the keyboard. I have so much to talk about but have no inclination to organize my thoughts.
On my Yahoo 360 page I talked about my goal to begin learning Spanish. I haven't started yet... was thinkin' about doing one of those software/audio courses. Any ideas?
I watched Madea's Family Reunion last weekend and I thought it was trash. BORING! Mindless! Diary was better. I genuinely laughed when I watched Diary. I could rant about how horrible Family Reunion was but ahhh... I'll spare you.
I'm in one of those strange moods... feeling really sentimental. Feeling like I really need some affection. Feeling like crying but I don't have anything to cry about. I am a strange hodgepodge of emotions today. I wonder if anyone else ever feels like this or is it just me?! **heavy sigh** I didn't feel like this all day.
Husband and I attended a "talk story" session with our congressional representative, Ed Case. We were the ONLY non-white people in attendance. That makes me REALLY sad. Note to self: I'll have to blog about that later.
After the meeting, I had some charter school stuff to attend to.
I walked in the door at 930pm, my honey was curled up and sleeping already. I have so much to tell him about the exciting things happening with the charter school. We are finally going to use public access TV to educate the general public about the future of education. Charter schools are one step in the right direction.
When I become a parent, I will probably be homeschooling unless of course I actually create the ENTIRE curriculum at our charter school. **shrugs** We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
So here I am blogging... so I guess it's a great way to end the day. But I really wanna have a conversation with the love of my life.
Friday, June 23, 2006
A woman deserves to feel pretty.
I haven't felt pretty lately... not for lack of attention from husband.... but more from lack of attention from myself. I feel so caught up in all my endeavors to affect positive change that, as I looked in the mirror the other day, I realized that I didn't know the reflection staring back at me. **sigh** (Nearly a year ago I kicked the nicotine for good.... and along with that came added weight.)
In so many ways I've let myself go FURTHER than I would have liked. I struggle to follow the true intents and desires of my heart. I find myself in the middle of things and WONDER if I'm really making a difference. I often reflect on the story about the little boy who, after a storm, walks along the shore and begins to throw the starfish back into the ocean. An older man observes the scene and prods the little boy to give up on his ambition of saving the starfish. The older man rationalizes with the little boy, "You couldn't possibly save all these starfish." To which the little boy replies, "I may not save them all but I will save this one." And continues to throw starfish in the ocean, one by one.
I wonder if the woman I am becoming is what the universe wants for me. It seems that many doors continue to open ahead of me as though all the forces of heaven above support the work I intend to do. Very few people EVER do what they were born to do and I am grateful that I have FINALLY garnered the respect and support of my family. I can move forward on the path I selected for myself a very long time ago.
Far too often, we waste the unique gifts the Creator has endowed each of us with. We get stuck thinking that there is only ONE way to do something. With that mindset, we cut off the INFINITE possibilities out there and figure that our unique talents are just hobbies. Accepting infinity allows one to fully explore every avenue without bias. The natural result -- a truly informed decision! Imagine that? **giggling**
So as I stare at my reflection, as of late, I may feel UNPRETTY... but I'm putting her back together. I'm learning how to balance the many dimensions of me.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any "comment speculation".
1. You are so inconsiderate! Folks told me all throughout high school and even through our young adult years that you were inconsiderate. I just believed that you were better than that. You suck!!
2. I'm glad you've found someone. I miss you immensely. Don't know if that makes sense.
3. You really, truly are my dearest friend and I wish we talked more often. Marriage has taken us different places but we will always be the same "down-for-whateva" chicks! LOL
4. Why are you able to attract all the jerks within a 50 mile radius? You're smart, independent, beautiful and so very single... turn off your jerk radar.
5. We all go through tough times in our lives. Marriage is hard work and yall have been together for years.... you'll get through this storm. He could never walk away from you.
6. I wish we could hang out like we used to. What would that be like? LOL... You definitely lived a full life. I still miss ya crazy butt.
7. Regrets. That's all I have for not having taken advantage of all your knowledge while you were living right here in this house.
8. Can't wait til you and your family come home to Hawai'i. Summer fun in the sun... all year round.
9. Your work has changed my life. My relationships with everyone have improved far beyond what I could have imagined. My capacity to feel compassion for everyone I meet has been such a helpful tool. Thank you! My ability to reach my goals has increased far and beyond what I thought was possible.
10. There will never be another. I love you.
Monday, June 12, 2006
I have not been abducted by aliens! I have not been marooned in the concrete jungle of your nearest inner-city. I have not been jailed... YET... for my criticism of the President of the United States...
I have, however, been camped out on a sandy beach in Hawai'i. LOL. Summer is coming at us soooo quickly. We've been in the upper 80's everyday for the last two weeks. **sigh** The beach has been my respite.
Aside from the heat... and clambering every other minute for a sandy shore on the Pacific Ocean... I have been VERY busy! A couple of months ago, I watched a TV Show that had me thinking about how I could make a difference in the world. I blogged about it. Here's an excerpt:
"The show left me with a great deal of sadness. Though we've heard the story told a million times before: gangster changes his life then is murdered in the streets, the dramatic interpretation is ALMOST always very moving."
So what have I been busy doing and how does it relate to the TV Show? Well... I'm TOTALLY and 100% involved in making a difference in my little community. That's really what it has come down to, for me. To effect change in the world, I must start with my community.
So I've jumped, head first, into helping a charter school get off the ground. I'm involved with actually creating the curriculum. Writing the grants. Creating the application forms and helping in determining the Implementation Plans. The ENTIRE process! I love it. I've never felt more useful.
What else is on my plate? -- I've been in and out of community association meetings to be totally involved in HOW this little community heads into the future. So for my little town... I have been nominated as the Association's Secretary. I don't plan to be in that capacity for very long.... but I have to start somewhere.
My world is amazing and fruitful... I have been placed in a position to help shape the future of the children in my community. **heavy sigh** For that, I am truly humbled by God's trust in me.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
You wore a blue denim outfit in my dream. I've never seen you wear something like that. You had on some old military boots and you rode in on a Harley. Your nephew, your cousin and a beautiful baby girl was with you. She is gorgeous and I suspect I know who she is.
The emphasis in my dream was on your teeth and how sad and apprehensive I felt about us meeting up like that. About your teeth... hmmm... Your teeth wasn't jacked when we were together. But in the dream, it was. I'm not sure if the dream interpretations I've found on that matches. Only you would know that. So here it is. If your teeth are rotten, crooked, and/or falling out this means that your lies are hurting someone very badly and that you will soon be found out. Isn't it strange?
Though I woke in tears and I'm still VERY weird-ed out. I cried and my husband had open arms to soothe me back to sleep without even knowing the source of my sadness. I really want to release the hold you have on me. But then again, our psychic connection has ALWAYS been strong. I only wish you happiness and I really truly do hope you have found it. Stop dropping into my world like this. It dictates the course of my day and leaves a sadness that I can't talk to anyone about. **heavy sigh**
Monday, May 08, 2006
The bed was large and very plain. Across the bed lay a plain pillow roll.
Her vantage point arises from a dark stairwell to see him laying in slumber, on the right side of the bed.
He is laying on his right side, knees slightly curled, with his head resting on the pillow roll.
I notice how sad she feels.
I notice how troubled he looks, even while deep in slumber.
Everything in the room is plain and without character. There is no abiding presence of love in the room. It is cold and unfeeling with the exception of her. She emanates sorrow and regret and unconditional love.
The fading light through the frosted windows evoke an atmosphere of haste. She is in a hurry.... To do what?
Saturday, April 29, 2006
It has been so hard for me to verbalize... but... I am having the toughest time conceiving. It's out there! I've said it now... I guess I am admitting that I have a problem.
Doctors say I'm not ovulating and they have the PERFECT drug to kickstart that process. I'd rather not put anymore chemicals in my body but we'll see what happens within the next couple of months.
So why have I had such a tough time of even admitting that I have a problem? Well, I guess it's because pregnancy and bearing children is a rite of womanhood. That's how I see it and I've become somewhat insecure as to my inability to cross that threshold. Does it mean I'm less of a woman? Probably not. **shrugs**
However, from what I'm hearing, I'd like to EXPERIENCE that INSTANT love that a woman feels when she finds out she is WITH CHILD. **heavy sigh**
Pray for me, yall.
Tell me about your pregnancy stories. Maybe it might rub off on me. **big smile**
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Mid day... husband and I went to get my drivers license. Since I live wayyyyy out in the country, we have to drive at least an hour in any direction to get to a place that issues drivers licenses. **sigh**
I've put off getting my replacement license out of EXTREME laziness. LOL... When I did the Great Aloha Run a couple months ago, someone broke into the car I rode in and stole my lil wallet. It included cash, credit cards, drivers license, social security card, etc. etc. This was right before my trip to Europe. Sucks, don't it?! Anyway... like I said, I've been meaning to replace that damn license.
So I get to the DMV in Pearl City. The first woman that helped me at the window told me I'd have to retake the drivers test and the written test. Mind you, I already called and dude said he could help me out and look up my license number. So I get outta the line and think up some kinda magic to get this done.
I go back to the window. It's a different woman. I explain to her my dilemma and tell her my sob story. I show her my passport. She rejects me and tells me that I need a social security card. I'm HIGHLY irritated because of my interaction with the first woman.... and now this woman is gonna reject me too. I swear both women that I dealt with enjoyed a sick pleasure by rejecting folks at the window.
So I drive another 30 minutes to Wahiawa DMV... trying my luck at a different spot. Now the woman at this DMV was wayyyy more personable. I told her my sob story and she was slightly compassionate.... I mean, she looked up my Kansas license. She even looked up my old Hawaii license. She even gave me the lil eyesight test. But in the end -- she rejected me!
Uhhhh.... I dealt with four different county workers. One on the phone. Two women at the Pearl City DMV and a woman at the Wahiawa DMV.... and you know what???? They were ALLLLL inconsistent. The only one that gets an E for effort is the last woman.
I HATE county workers! They suck!!
Needless to say -- I gotta go back on Monday with all the correct paperwork and FINALLY handle this.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I wish I had somewhere to unload all my thoughts without fear of judgement. Somewhere to say EXACTLY what I mean without having to "pretty it up". I would love it if I could just put my burdens somewhere and NEVER have to worry about them again. I'm not much of a worrier. However, there are certain things that will bug me to no end.
My relationship with my mother has never really been a good one. She is definitely NOT one that I can unload my true thoughts and feelings on. We had this interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago. I told her how I felt about her and all the things I had resented about her and our relationship. She was totally oblivious to how I felt.
The woman is a major control freak. My father and my older brother kinda just dance around her so as not to upset the "beast". She's quite immovable when she gets behind something.
With her age and declining health, she is consistently making errors with her finances. I have offered to help her organize her life many times but she's such a freak about always remaining in control that to relinquish it is inconceivable. By trade, i am an accountant... i have always worked in finances.... whether it was mortgages or accounting... I've always dealt with money. This would be ideal for her. **heavy sigh**
I didn't start out talking about my mother but somehow I moved right into the subject. There is so much negative energy surrounding my relationship with my mother. I'd like to clear that up. I release that energy! Go AWAY!
I'm in such a "funny" place right now. I feel strange. I feel verrrrry alone with the way my thought process goes. Husband thinks my thoughts are ALWAYS TOTALLY ILLOGICAL. He is my spouse... the man I choose to spend forever with and he basically thinks I'm crazy. I don't know what to do with that.
I don't know if I should take it literal -- does he think I'm crazy?
Or maybe I think he's crazy. **shrugs**
On certain subjects, we're off and running in TOTALLY different directions. We always work it out though and I guess that's what REALLY matters.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
This is what it's about. Being so comfortable with someone... comfortable enough for him to reveal to me, just today, that people used to call him ugly.
I couldn't ever think that of him. I was instantly attracted to him when we first met. INSTANTLY! But even if I didn't think he was the handsomest man on the planet... his soul is so beautiful.
I trust that he will lead me righteously into eternity. I trust that we were TRULY made for each other, in this moment, at this time and for however long we were meant.
He supports my EVERY endeavor, no matter how far-fetched he might think it is. **sigh** I'm lucky. Truly blessed!
I love that when I go to bed -- he's ALREADY waiting for me... if not, already asleep. He is the best present I have ever gotten.... and I trust that God sent him to me to clear away ANY misconceptions about love, faith, honor and commitment.
My life has only blossomed since he entered my world. Like his soul prods me ever so gently into light, love, knowledge and truth. And he is completely oblivious to his effect on me.
Tomorrow I get to wake up next to him. For that, I thank God.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
My soul runs so deep. It sounds so cliche, so worn out, so used. And yet -- he understood it. I miss that.
The hours and days have run into months and years and we've both moved in different directions. And I'm in a good place... better than I've ever been before. I have learned to balance my spiritual self with the other dimensions of me. That, above all else, has been most rewarding.
Yet sometimes... way too often, I long for depth... for someone to truly understand who I am. Someone who is able to see right into the heart of me and KNOW... just KNOW... without me saying a word.
The only one who ever did -- I will probably never have the occasion to speak to again. Most of my friends cannot see how many different facets there are to me. I still discover them daily... and I love that about me... but it isolates me.
How can I feel so alone in a world full of people? How can I feel like no one can see my soul and really understand how deep it runs?
I have never mourned that loss. I pushed it down way deep inside of me, hoping it would just go away.
Today, I mourn! Though I wish him success and honest, sincere and true love -- I will mourn what will never be. I mourn the separation of two souls that really, truly understood each other.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Did you see tonight's episode???
Click the pic to see a preview of what you missed. Did that make sense? LOL
Anyway -- I was thoroughly impressed by the script and the content of the show. This is the first time I've ever tuned into the show. I take that back. The first time I watched it, the episode was overly sexual... but anyway. This episode was outstanding.
Okay... so the preview wasn't all that great but that was the best video clip I could find, so soon after the episode aired.
What struck me about the episode was the tax thing. Some of yall know how I've been questioning the legality of the income tax. I still stand firm on my belief NOW more than ever.
For the sake of due diligence, research and knowledge.... here are some websites you can peruse, if you're interested, about the legality of the income tax.
The Great IRS Hoax
Sunday, February 26, 2006
In front of the arena where all the parading was going was an enormous cement fountain. I didn't catch a picture of it because it was much too dark but it was so beautiful. Beyond the fountain was an archway leading to the arena where all the festivities were taking place.
The colors and the costumes were so vibrant. This was definitely NOT the mardi gras or karnival marketed to us in the United States. There weren't topless women hanging off the floats or from balconies. The atmosphere wasn't sexually charged. In fact, it was quite family-friendly. You'd see ENTIRE families dressed in costume. They'd also be drinking together. Even young children were seen sipping on a beer. I presume it is part of their culture because EVERY meal is served with wine here.
The floats were colorful and so intricate in detail. I was completely lost in a culture so unlike my own.
What I notice in the faces of the people that live here are their noses. It is the most prominent feature on the Mediterranean face. Their nose is not a wide nose as we see in Polynesia. It is skinny. Pointy. Large.
I love this place. I'm enjoying the very different lifestyle here. Life is so simple. Life has true meaning based on happiness and totally unattached to monetary success or value.
Pictured here is one of my favorite floats from karnival. This is actually the back of the float. The face opened during their presentation and dancers came out of it.
The people here LOVE the techno sound. Though I am not all that fond of that particular genre -- it's growing on me. Every single song was done techno-style. I thought it quite odd but the favorite song was "Country Road" in, of course, techno. The entire crowd, young and old were singing it.
Each an every float spewed confetti everywhere. It was gorgeous. A rainbow of colors filled the evening sky. It was absolutely spectacular.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The essay was supposed to be about a unique experience that sets him apart from other students. This is part of the application process for college. (College is his latest endeavor.) I didn’t help him brainstorm or even suggest any ideas on what he should write about. I knew that this essay had to be in his voice, from his angle. Sure, I helped with grammar and punctuation and critiqued him on how his essay reads but I didn’t give him any input on the actual content.
He chose to write about his five-month tour of duty in Iraq and how it made him different. I can’t describe what my reaction to the essay was because I’m not sure if I was happy or sad. However, it was clear that I was emotionally moved by what he wrote.
In less than 300 words, he was able to take me from rural Alabama, where he thought he grew up, to the deserts of Iraq, where he REALLY grew up. He spoke about when we were married and being shipped off a month later and how hard it was to leave. I admire the pride he has in having been able to bring all of the soldiers that served under him back to American soil and home to their families.
I look at him in such a different light. His essay has added more depth to his character and I pay tribute to the man he is becoming. For meeting every challenge and exceeding everyone’s expectation of him. Essentially, I used 320 words to say what could have been done in three: I Love Him!!!
In recent days, what has emotionally moved you?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The other day we picked up a friend at the Honolulu International Airport (HNL). The flight was a little late so we sat at the curbside instead of continuing to circle the terminal. We got away with it for about five minutes before one of those ultra scary TSA’ers tapped on my window. She was an older woman. She had to be at least 65.
She taps on my window and asks me if I’m waiting for someone.
I tell her, “Yes,” and leave it at that to see what she’d say back.
The woman replies in a heavy Filipino accent, “Well, is she coming in on a flight? What flight does she arrive on?”
I say, “Yes,” without volunteering more information than I have to.
My friend, she’s the driver, speaks before the TSA’er can respond and points to the automatic doors just 10 yards beyond the TSA’er, “Oh. She’s right there.”
The TSA’er turns to look at who my friend is pointing at and sees no one.
At this point I’m amused by the Transportation Security Agent’s inquiry and the comedy unraveling before me. I know her immediate objective is to get us to leave the curbside. President Bush says that the events of 9-11 make it necessary for the general public to be under constant surveillance, under constant suspicion. Of course that’s not quite the language he used. I believe he says we must be vigilant. Cautious. Aware. Insert ‘rolling eyes’ here.
I imagine that much of the TSA shift meetings must be about keeping the airport curbsides free and clear of any stragglers. They probably review the acceptable and unacceptable items allowed on an airplane. After all, the general public is assumed to be terrorists until proven otherwise. Why else would this TSA’er subject a seemingly harmless van with two children and two adult females to a mild interrogation?
My friend and I are still sitting there, curbside. I’m wondering what the TSA’er will say next. I’m positive that she’s slightly intimidated by my size and irritated with our blatant disregard for her authority. I mean, my friend had just pointed at the thin air and told the TSA’er that the person we’re picking up is right there.
The agent peers at me with distrust, “Does the person you’re waiting for work here?”
I had already told her that we’re waiting for a flight to arrive but I ask her anyway, “Can I stay parked here if I tell you that the person we’re waiting on works here?”
The agent reasserts herself in that heavy Filipino accent, “You cannot be parked here.” She smirks and points to the exit that will lead us back around the terminal.
Not wanting to cause a commotion, we pull away from the curbside and make our way toward the exit. I think about that little, old, TSA woman and wonder what terrorist she could possibly scare away. As we’re moving along the terminal, I notice that nearly ALL of the agents lining the curbside are older immigrants. This alone tells me that homeland security and its offspring, the transportation security agents, are a joke.
After 9-11, Homeland Security sprung into existence. I suppose that a TSA’er believes that he or she is on the frontline of keeping our country safe. After all, they keep those airport curbsides free and clear. At security checkpoints they search for those tweezers and nail clippers and moustache trimmers and scissors and whatever other implements that can be used as a weapon.
If this is the case, that TSA is indeed the frontline in the fight against terror, then please explain to me how a retiree qualifies to do this monumental task! They probably wouldn’t be able to chase down a trained terrorist. Along that line of thinking, I’ll suggest that a TSA’ers only function is to tattle tale because that really is the only thing they can do. They’re armed with a walkie-talkie and a badge. It’s funny how conventional schooling has trained the average person to obey and respect a badge as a form of authority. This goes against any logical thought process because a badge has NO inherent authority. Literally, the power in the badge is imagined. But I digress.
We exit the terminal and my friend and I find a place to park and wait. Thirty minutes later we’re entering the terminal again. We spot our intended passenger.
On our way out of the airport terminal we spot the little, old TSA woman with the heavy Filipino accent. There she is with a stoic face, walkie-talkie on her hip and her TSA badge pinned over her heart. Though I am not in hearing distance, I see her telling another suspected terrorist parked at the curbside, “You cannot be parked here,” as she points to the exit that leads back around the terminal.
Monday, February 06, 2006
1. Favorite political track
War by Bob Marley
2. Song that makes you dance no matter what
how corny is this? Dancing Queen by ABBA... lmaoooooo... i coulda been a disco diva, the way i love the music from the 70's.
3. Song you'd use to tell someone you love them
The Makings of You, Angie Stone version
4. Song that has made you sit down to analyze its lyrics
Bag Lady by Erykah Badu
5. Song you like that a two year old would like
The song from the Campbells Soup commercials... "possibilities"... it's such a cute jingle. I love whoever wrote that ditty!!! LOL...
6. A song you and your grandparents would like
my fathers parents... it would probably be... What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong and for my mothers parents... Mustang Sally by Tom Jones... lmaooooo
7. A song that gives you an energy boost
Made to Love Her by Stevie Wonder
8. Song you really liked when you were 13-16 that you really like now
Crush by Rob Base
9. A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life
I Wish I Wasn't by Heather Headley
10. Peppy song that would start the opening credits in the movie of your life
Every Little Step I Take by Bobby Brown... whew... the memories from that song!!!!
11. A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess you liked
Nessun Dorma performed by Luciano Pavarotti
12. Song that you think should have been playing when you were born
Candy Girl by New Edition... who didn't LOVE that song??
13. Favorite duet artists
Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway... can any duet compare today?
14. A favorite song you completely disagree with
old but... used to love this song but could never get down with the lyrics... Players Anthem by Junior Mafia
15. Song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it
used to be that song GET LOW by the Ying Yang Twins???
16. Smoothe song for relaxing
Diary by Alicia Keys
17. A song you would send to someone you hate
Uninvited by Alanis Morissette... not really a hate song but it has this eerie feeling to it.
18. Favorite track from a band considered a "super group"
The Beautiful Ones by Prince and the Revolution
19. A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member
Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop and Pharell... reminds me of my St. Louis days with my 'sister' ReeMa -- miss you girl.
20. Your favorite song right now
right now... it's Unpredictable by Jamie Foxx... though I'm not really into mainstream... i like the hook. the lyrics are too suggestive but everytime I hear it, I'm turning it up!!!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
@ hassan... thank you for your kind words. i see my ex as God intended him to be and it will always be that way.
@professorgq... wow... i like being a beautiful soul in your eyes! i COULD have been upset but nothing productive could ever come of it.
@harpo... i would take that as being a positive force in HIS life. even if you didn't end up with him, the both of you are probably as he said, BETTER PEOPLE.
@mocha... A Beautiful Mind was the God's honest truth at that EXACT moment. i TRULY love beautiful minds!!! don't you?
@aziza... strength of character. i love that! thank you!!
@NYABG... forgiveness will come when YOU let it. my trick for "getting over" is just not looking back at what happened and not looking forward to what coulda been.
@shellyp... i LOVE you too!! i really do. it's so weird how we can be so much an observer of someone else's life and feel totally connected. the next time i make it out to florida... i'm barging in on you. :-)