TBT: 1994 July 13th, 14th & 15th

Wednesday
July 13th, 1994

RAPE! Wouldn't you call it that? Someone continues to touch you... your body... your sexuality... your womanhood... He goes and goes, even to the point of penetration. Tiny R.NewNew. Better known as... Pacman. He's strong. I know I didn't ask for it and I didn't think it was funny. I just wanna sleep it away. Dream it away. Whatever it takes. Maybe he thought I wanted it. He just kept going. Without hesitation. He had no thoughts that maybe, just maybe I didn't wanna BE with him, even though I kept saying no, no, no. I kept saying Get off. At first I thought it was funny when he was flirting. I didn't think he'd do it!

For a moment
Beauty is lost,
The beholder takes what
         He shouldn't.
No thought of consequence,
Just pleasure.
A thief, a robber,
A conqueror, a destroyer.
Ravaging through Bountiful
Turning it to Babylon.
Guilt, shame
Feelings...
Not his.
Mine to deal with.
Mine to be rid of.

He took what he wanted. I didn't provoke him and if I did, "No still means No." He has ruined a beautiful relationship that I have with Shane. I feel like Shane cares about me. I feel his respect for the woman that I am and the woman I someday will be.

I can't believe that Pac did it. I thought he had more sense. He thinks I'm stupid or something. Probably thought I wouldn't open my mouth. Had no respect for me, for Shane, or even for himself. I don't wanna press charges because it'll ruin his life. But dang, he violated me. When it happened this morning... I really didn't get it. But now it's hitting me. Real hard.

Forget the problems because the day itself is beautiful. Not a cloud in sight. Nothin' but blue skies!!

* * * * * * * * * *

Thursday
July 14th, 1994

Hey! I've taken the first step toward pressing charges against Mr. NewNew. I talked to his First Sergeant.  I even called 9-1-1. All I gotta do is file a report. He forced himself on me and that just ain't right. The only family member I've told is Cliff. He says to tell my mom and dad. Shane said that I should tell them also. I'm just afraid of what they'll think. Will they still love me?

I don't know why I'm thinking of his feelings when he didn't think of mine. He took from me my trust in men, in male friends, and the joy of making love. He just couldn't take no for an answer. He couldn't see that I didn't want the same thing that he did. I told him to get off. Everything was happening so fast. It all started when he started tickling me. I got up and moved. I sat at the edge of the bed. He kept telling me, "Are you ready? Are you ready?" I was thinking that I should just try to be calm and play it off. "Pac, can't you wait?" Obviously, his response was 'No'. I knew what would happen next and I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept pulling up my dress. He hopped on top of me and just did what he pleased. He thought it was so funny. I laughed just to hide the pain behind a smile.

* * * * * * * * * *

Friday
July 15th, 1994

For now, everything is done. I made a report --> tape recorded. Shane did one too. We had to go downtown for it, at the Criminal Investigation Division. We met with Detective Larry Tamashiro. After that, he sent me to Kapiolani Women & Children's Center where I was examined by a doctor - a female. She was accompanied by a nurse named Lisa. Oh they were so sweet. Then there's Shane. Just where would I be without his support? Where would I be without his understanding? He pushes me to do the right thing. What am I gonna do when he leaves in November? Rape -- the subject is getting tired.

I just been crying all day. More than any other day since. I feel like I provoked it. Like I encouraged it or something... this stupid RAPE. What is even crazier is that I feel like Shane shouldn't care for me because of everything that's happening.

This morning my brother and I was in mom and dad's room. Mom told him what happened. He just cried and hugged me and expressed his love for me. All I could do was cry. I don't know what to feel anymore. I just feel stupid. I feel yucky. I feel dirty. But you know what? I am strong! I am gonna get through this. Whether alone or not. Whether I win or lose. At least I tried. Face this fear of failure and I'm gonna get through. The hard thing about the whole thing is facing my family, my friends, and Shane. This feeling of dirtiness, of insecurity is what's killing me. Insecure that I'm gonna lose someone's love or caring. But you know what --> that's enough already. Enough talking about it. But I'm kinda wondering if I should press charges or not. At least I reported this incident. It wasn't severe as other cases I've read about but no still means no. Rape is unconcented sex.

For All Your Evil Doings

Often times we expose ourselves on a blog in a way that we probably wouldn't in REAL time. We claim that it's the anonymity of the internet but it can't be that anonymous with my pics strewned across the page. LOL... So exposing myself is more about sharing my experiences so that maybe the next person to read it can learn from it. And well, I just might be an exhibitionist and enjoy exposing myself. LMAOOOO....

On a serious note, I am a rape victim.

The experience has NOT defined me. It hasn't crippled me. I haven't allowed it to stop me from developing productive relationships with men. And the experience had the potential to do just that.

When it happened, I was embarrassed to tell my parents about it as though it was in some way my fault. (I learned that this is a natural reaction.) My mother reacted in such a way that has forever changed the dynamics of our relationship. In my tears, as I'm sobbing, she said to me, "This is God's way of punishing you for all your evil doings." Did I deserve that? I was devastated by that. The one place in the world that should have been peaceful, that should have been a haven of sorts, my childhood home, had turned into a terrible nightmare. Not only had I been raped but the woman who I thought would be able to see me through turned her back on me. It still hurts today.

After that evening of truth, my mother and I have never quite seen eye to eye. I know I haven't completely forgiven her for even implying that God would send someone to do that to me as a form of punishment. She changed the relationship I had with God. We argued about it endlessly and she stood firm on her belief. Oddly enough, she suffered a stroke a couple years later and does not recall any of it. Her memory was wiped clean.

I went through a really tough time dealing with all the anger inside of me. I didn't have my family to support me through this and I was doubly determined to do this alone because of the things my mother said. That's not quite what was in store for me. I am convinced that God works through people and HE sends us exactly what we need.

My first step up from the despair I found myself in was contacting a counselor. Her name was Sue Lowery. I can still picture her right now. I will never forget her. She helped me to crack open the shell that was beginning to form around me. I am grateful! I couldn't say the word rape before I went through therapy. The word rape automatically represented VICTIM in my mind. And I didn't like being seen as a victim. She helped me to overcome the post traumatic stress disorder that was setting in. She nipped it in the butt before it even had time to settle. And I owe much of my stability now to Dr. Sue Lowery for bringing me out of the darkness. Wherever she is... THANK YOU!