Hashtag I Still Believe In Love

There is one thing that I am absolutely sure of. I was born to write! I was born to tell my own stories and to speak my truth that is written upon a page. And that is the one and only thing that I am absolutely sure of. With that being said, can you imagine the host of other things that I just can't figure out?

For instance, I love to be in love. That is another thing that I am sure of. I love to feel the butterflies in my belly and the brand newness of falling in love. I also loved the longevity of my last marriage. We were such good friends until we both became so unhappy. Some days I want my old life back with him then I think of how cruel he was when we were breaking up. Even so, if he came to me today and wanted to try and work it out, I think I would consider it. I loved him so much and he loved me too. He loved me for 13 years, probably more like 12 if we take off the last year of our marriage. He stuck it out with me, was faithful to me, was a good provider for us and his children. I can't say why we fell out of love but love just doesn't go away especially after 13 years of being together. The time flew by between us. We were such good friends - did everything together. I miss his presence in my life, the companionship. I miss his leadership and his constant guidance. I miss us. #iStillBelieveInLove

And the crazy thing is - I cannot wait around for him to want me again because I deserve a bit of happiness. And last I checked, when I looked in the mirror and assessed the woman that I am -- I am a damn good catch and he gave me up without even trying a separation. My mother raised me to be a good woman with a kind heart and I'm smart with such a genuine personality and talented too. I can toot my own horn and back it up with skill!! I cook, clean, and do all the domestic things that an old school woman can do. Tonight my father looked at me and said, "Babe. You look regal!" I agree popps. I am regal. I am the queen that you and mom raised me to be. I am the good girl that every mother wants for their son. #iStillBelieveInLove

My stomach turns upside down when I think of how he used to make me quiver with just a kiss. He knew the power he had over me. I know that if we were to ever get back together that we would be so powerful and so much stronger than we were before. Communication would be more intense and we would truly hear each other this time around. I tear up just thinking about him and the way we broke up. Even though it could have been really ugly, my  mother raised me to be a CLASS ACT and instead of fight him on the divorce, I gave in to whatever he wanted. It was seven days from the day he told me he wanted a divorce to the day that we were signing papers. The months have flown by since that day and every day gets a little easier but I still miss my old life where I had a companion by my side, helping me make the tough decisions. #iStillBelieveInLove

He is a beautiful man and I'm sure there are many lovely ladies that would beg for a bit of his time. I wish him well on that journey. What I know is that I don't want to grow old alone so I consciously make the choice to stop worrying about two failed marriages. Though I take responsibility for the things that I could have done differently in the relationships, it was ultimately their decision to leave instead of trying to work it out. I really thought he and I would have lasted forever. Our level of commitment to each other was unparalleled. I trusted my life and my heart in his hands. I believe in love. I always have. #iStillBelieveInLove

I want to experience the magic of love OVER and OVER again. I have never had a problem finding love. There is magic everywhere for everyone. I am wide open to possibility even though I have a glimmer of hope for my L.A.W. I honor his desire to be free and the courage it took for him to leave. I could never blame him for following his truth. If we all acted on our most genuine feelings, the world might be a better place. But my truth right now is that I am a single woman, no kids, and I deserve all the love one heart can hold. #iStillBelieveInLove

Waiting & Fear of Better Options

So much of my life has been spent
waiting
waiting
waiting...

I am so loyal that I put my needs and desires on the side to wait....

What am I waiting for?
A broken heart?
True love?
For lost love to come back?

I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that I am valuable and I am worthy of being loved fully and completely in every moment; right now. Just because I have been tossed aside by both husbands does not mean that there is a problem with me even though it does make me feel inadequate, at times.

Last night I went to the gym and a "gentleman caller" was there. He and I had flirted online recently and even went as far as making plans to meet up. He did end up going to the meeting place and I did not. So last night when we seen each other, we did the regular kiss-on-the-cheek-Hawaii-greeting, said a few words, and I walked out. It eventually led to us talking on FB later that evening. Back and forth. Back and forth until I had to drive and couldn't respond. We have quite a long history of knowing each other. He pursued me once when I was 18 and he was 22. He is a nice looking man with a very nice body that all the ladies can appreciate. He can also be a sweetheart too but I've only known him to be a real alpha male, king-of-the-jungle, hot-head type. He has a quick temper.

Why do I tell that story?
Well, why am I not allowing myself to date and just go out and have fun?
Is it because I feel like I have to wait for lost love to come back to me? And with lost love, there are never any guarantees that they will return. Odds are that they probably will not come back. So why am I waiting around like it will?

A dear confidant sent me a commercial that shows a psychiatrist explaining, "Beth, you have FOBO."
"What is FOBO?"

FEAR of Better Options

I was really rocked by her saying that mostly because I never considered looking outward. I have loved only two men in my life. To look for someone else was unthinkable. Why would I want to learn about someone new? Why do I want to go through the trouble of learning to be with someone else and all of their habits and ways?

I knew my first husband since 1994. We married in 1997. Divorced in 2003. That is a lot of time to invest in getting to know someone. I look back at love letters that I wrote to him in the past, when we were both single people, and I was really waiting around for him. Waiting for him to realize that I was a good woman. Waiting for him to love me back with the same passion that I had. We met when I was 18 - the prime of my life. He was 29. I was in College surrounded by horny, single men and all I wanted was him. I waited for him to want me back. Why did I do that? Even back then, did I have a Fear of Better Options or was it because I had settled into a familiar comfort with him?

Enter second husband. We met and married in 2003 and here we are in 2016, newly divorced. I used to hang on his every word and his every emotion. I truly respected him and had sincere and genuine love for him. Even now, I look back at our good times and the fun we used to have and feel gratitude for those moments. The past couple of months have been a trial in patience and me learning to flow like water and to not resist what is happening in my life. If I don't talk to him, I'm okay but we just spent the last 13 years together and I miss his presence in my day-to-day. And those 13 years was precious time that I invested in the hope of FOREVER. Now, as I navigate this new freedom, I feel stuck wanting him to want US again. Am I waiting? Why am I waiting?

And this idea of being fearful of better options. Am I afraid of possibility? Most of me wants the comfort and familiarity of the love that I lost. Having this kind of tunnel vision, this desire for lost love, makes me so vulnerable instead of wide open to possibility. Today I choose to be wide open.

Really, what I desire is someone to love me fully and completely right now. I don't want to wait.... anymore. I am swept away in a longing for romantic professions of eternal love but more than that, I want action and yet I cannot go down that path again. My second husband, in our short courtship before we married, swept me away in a sea of action so quick and steady that there weren't any options but to marry him. His romantic gestures were so grand in expectation that I fell hard and quick. I recognize that and I vow to make different choices this time around.

I will make different choices. Choices that honors my destiny and my authentic path. Life is a meandering river with rapids and quiet lulls, stony paths, waterfalls, and beautiful views! I am riding along its banks or maybe I am smack dab in the middle of its width; one thing is for sure, my life has gathered new energy, a new zeal for living. The grey skies have parted and I move forward with intent. New love will not be my purpose but an extension of my purpose. And when he, whoever he is, makes himself available and exclusive to me it is because we have become extensions of each other, electrons orbiting around each other and through each other. I look forward with hopeful eyes that love will find me again but I am not waiting anymore. I am wide open to possibility!