Friday, August 29, 2008

Fertility: Exam #2

Background reading for this post: Tempurpedic, Religion, Infertility
Just read the infertility part...


I went to see my gynecologist the other day. This was the follow-up appointment from my last visit, where he dispensed 3-months of birth control to get rid of the hyperplasia going on in my womb.

The doc, upon surface evaluation, says the hyperplasia looks like it has cleared out. He says we'll wait for the lab results to come back before making an absolute conclusion and then determine what the next steps are.

The experience of having a endometrial biopsy is like nothing I have ever felt. For some reason, this one was much more painful than the one that was done four months ago. And the pain lasted a good hour or two after the procedure.

Husband did not accompany me last time but wanted to be involved this time. So there we were, me undressing in the room to prep for the doctor. My gynecologist is a little Japanese man who has been my gyn since I started having sex. That's a good fifteen years. I tried a different doctor for a little bit but returned back to the Japanese man because he's so consistent.

Anyway, back to the story. I thought it was so funny being there with my husband. Husband is a glorious, muscle-bound mass of goodness. He's a large man. Then here come's the little Japanese gynecologist. I'm in the stirrups and the gyn is up my crotch. **giggles** So that was funny for a quick minute.

Boy, as soon as he started taking a sample of the endometrium (the lining in my uterus), I swear I could have snapped his head off his neck with my knees. It was so painful. I can't even describe the pain. I wanted to cry but that little examination room was cramped with me, the gyn between my legs, the nurse, and my husband. No room for tears. I just grinned through it and took deep breaths. It didn't help.

I made it through and I'm one step closer to being a mommy.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

What a Difference!

My life is so different from what it used to be just five years ago.

Five years ago I worked for a large hotel chain in their time share area. It was a party every day at work. I had starbucks in the morning, at the bar for lunch and right after work I'd head home for a ice cold beer (depending on what day it was). I smoked 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Misty Menthol Lights. (Yuck... now that I've kicked my tobacco habit!)

Five years ago my ex-husband was in the process of becoming my ex after two years of separation. In those two years, I never once stepped out on him. I had to be a nun, the way I barely even looked at other men. Notice I said "barely".

The state of my relationship catapulted me into the world of functional alcoholics. I don't recall the alcohol ever soothing the pain, rather it put me in a state of happiness that erased the memory of hurt. I guess thats the same thing. **LOL** But anyway, I drank to laugh. I drank to cry. I drank to escape my life. And yet, viewing my life from the outside, my life was not so bad. I had a successful career, great parents and siblings; it was just my marriage -- it was falling apart.

Before the ex and I separated, his drug of choice was weed. Whatever demons he had, he tamed them with weed. I don't blame him. I remember smoking with him and feeling like nothing could touch us. When we made love, after a pipe bowl of the best pakalolo on the island, no one could pull us down from the lofty heights of pleasure.

Ahh yes, my life has changed from its days of functional alcoholism and weed induced stupors. I am free of those addictions for now. I have to say though that my life at that time was a series of contrasts. Unbelievable highs and dreary lows! There was no middle ground. I was either/or. No room for "in-between".

Sometimes I miss the partying til the break of dawn. I miss being on the scene, checkin' out the fella's and talkin' about the chicken heads. At the same time, I'm not tryin' to be the oldest female in the club. LOL... I think I've evolved past that. Today, here and now, I am different than I was 5 years ago. Better? Maybe.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Work Work Work

I work at a university.

There is a certain aspect of my current job that requires me to "surplus" or sell items that the campus doesn't use or need anymore. I usually run the sale twice a week.

Two weeks ago, there was a mountain of couches outside of my warehouse that needed to get gone in a quickness via my surplus sale. First and foremost, the mountain of couches was a safety issue because it blocked some exit doors to the warehouse. Fire hazard! Second, the couches were piled on a landing dock for large deliveries. Third, they were exposed to the sun and rain therefore deteriorating the quality of the product.

There were two options in front of me on getting rid of these items.

Scenario 1 would require the least effort on my part and would be very beneficial to the university by clearing up the fire hazard really quickly.

Scenario 2 would require extreme effort on my self and my department -- I only had one worker that day -- but it would have been beneficial to the consumer.

Of course, naturally, I opted for scenario 1 therefore ELIMINATING further thought on planning out scenario 2. I decide to have a special $1 bonanza on the couches and chairs, in contrast to my twice a week sale. I did very minimal advertising. I set it up for a Thursday @ 9am - 11am. I figured that two hours would be sufficient to get rid of the couches and chairs.

When the day finally arrived, I went out at 9am. You WOULD NOT believe the amount of people that were waiting outside. I had no idea that many people would show up. The environment was not "controlled" so there were people coming from everywhere to pay for their stuff and I couldn't really tell who was taking what or even if it was paid for. By 9:20am ALMOST everything was gone! I mean folks cleared out the couches so fast, I didn't even blink and it was gone! Even with all the pandemonium and maddness, no one got hurt and I had only one complaint from a consumer, and my stated objective was reached -- to get rid of the fire hazard.

The one complaint that came in about me, came via Human Resources. This dude was so bummed that he didn't get the $1 chair that he wanted (everything went so fast), he went and complained to Human Resources about our "practices". Whatever! He harped on and on about things being totally unfair. From what I heard, he was in the HR office in tears. He said he wasn't complaining about not getting the dollar chair but it was the principle behind it. WHATEVER!! What a whining cry baby.

**sigh** Anyway -- what an adventure that was. He wrote a formal complaint to HR then submitted one to my bosses boss. So I wrote my rebuttal, totally ignoring his whining shenanigans and submitted, in detail, Scenario 2 mentioned above.... the one that services the consumer. Scenario 2 was my "solution" to his whining and complaining.

**rolling my eyes and shaking my head** What people do over a dollar chair. Yikes!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A Letter to You

Dear Reader,

I had a very short conversation with a fellow blogger yesterday. I won't even call it a conversation, it was that short. He said to me, "You're so transparent." Off the bat I took it as a compliment to my ability to be ME and also to my inability to tell "tall tales". Thanks, Darius T Williams.

It wasn't always the case that I was "transparent". I've told many tall tales in my day. It seems the older I get, the more comfortable I am with who I am and I don't need to tell the tall tales. I love my body, though the majority of women have issues. Am not ashamed to be naked anywhere, though I've never had to prove it. I love who I am as a person, though that could probably use a whole lot of tweaking and working on. I'm just really comfortable in my own skin and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The idea of transparency is that I have nothing to hide. I have no hidden agenda, no ace of spades hiding in my coat sleeve. I am what I say I am. I have many events from my past that continue to haunt me. From me being at the center of a brawl, where one boyfriend stabbed my other boyfriend, to me being a rape survivor. I am transparent! There is no shame in the lessons I've learned along the way and I hope that someone can learn from them.

This blog has been more about me purging the bad, negative stuff that has ocurred in my life rather than a bid on gaining a readership. I enjoy blogging and sharing my stories, "As I Remember It..." I've come to learn how to strip away the emotion in my decision-making through this blog. It appears that I make better decisions when it's well thought out.

So, to you who is reading this, I thank you for being here to witness my many changes. Thank you for sharing in my triumphs, my manic depressant rants, and for giving me hope that today will be better than yesterday. That the sun will rise and set as it has for the last millenia. That the earth was created for us to meet and greet and learn to love each other and ultimately to demonstrate obedience to God.

I thank you for not judging my colorful past, which consequently is quite entertaining in comparison to my present! Yet it is in the present that I have found the true goddess within and the best thing is that you can find him or her in you as well. We were created in his image, born to inherit all that He has. Think on it!


Monday, August 18, 2008

Weekend Rundown

My journey toward releasing 50 pounds forever is going quite well. Even with my little aches and pains, I still feel good. I feel like I'm purging all the things that my body doesn't need. Every day it gets easier to walk and I've started partially running my route.

I'm so inspired by my cousin, the Army Captain, to get fit. She's been staying with husband and I since she got in. We've started our mornings, stretching, praying and hitting the pavement to walk. It's a habit I want to have all the days of my life.

Saturday morning we did three miles. I ran the last mile... not all the way through. I did the run-walk thing. It was so invigorating. I feel so alive and so aware of the fresh air that we enjoy in Hawai'i. After our run on Saturday morning, we sat back and began watching Farrakhan Speaks. It's husband and I's favorite Saturday morning show. That episode catapulted us into a conversation about God. We discussed the nature of God! How, no matter what people call Him, we all share the same God. Smack dab in the middle of our conversation, the Jehovah Witnesses show up. I thanked the 19-year old young man for doing the Lord's work, shook his hand and sent them on their merry way.

We had a late brunch at this place called the Original Pancake House. The decor is unbelievably dated but the food was great and the service even better! I ordered the potato omelette. It was very interesting. The eggs were so fluffy, like filled with air. The omelette was filled with bacon, cheese and potatoes. It was covered with a sour cream sauce. It was unusual and a little bland. I thought the combination was going to taste like a baked potato. It didn't! The order was huge and it came with three buttermilk pancakes. That was the true gem! The pancakes!! Yummy.

We rounded out Saturday evenings meals with my version of the Greek classic, Moussakka. Google it to find a recipe. I love that dish. Its one of my faves! I fried the eggplant and zucchini in olive oil. Layered it in a pan, similar to lasagna, with meat sauce and cheese. The very last layer is a bechemel sauce mixed with cheese, poured over the top and baked in, like a top crust. Delicious!

Sunday -- I finally got around to reading Twilight, a vampire book. I'm almost done with it. Got a couple more pages to go. The first two-thirds of the book was quite boring but the ending is very suspenseful and action packed. I'm glad I stuck it out because I was going to return all these books to my cousin and tell her that I hated the book. I'm glad there are three more books in this series.

How was your weekend?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

You Look Like a Master to Me

"Am I the meanest? Am I the prettiest? Am I the baddest mofo low down around this town? Well who am I?"

"Sho Nuff"

"Who am I?

"Sho Nuff"

"I can't hear you."

"Sho Nuff"

"The Shogun of Harlem"

"Catches bullets with his teeth?
Catches bullets with his teeth? N-gga please!"

"I thought it would be a great idea to get me a body guard. You know, someone to guard my body."

"Kiss my CONVERSE!"

"Direct a your feetza to daddy greens pizza."

"Can you teach me some moves?"

If you don't remember any of those lines from a famous 80's movie, then you must have been born too early or born to late. It is one of my favorite movies of all time. Maybe not for any Oscar winning performances but definitely for it being relevant to my life. For it introducing my tender 10-year old mind to people that looked like me, had my skin color, and had my same taste in music.

The mere mention of Bruce Lee-Roy and the Shogun of Harlem makes me go racing for a kimono, some chopsticks to eat my popcorn and a comb to tease my hair to its highest height. (Yes... I am the Kung Fu Fighter in the picture! LOL...)

What girl, born between 1972 and 1978, didn't want to be Vanity and be the host of her own dance show called 7th Heaven? Even if she couldn't sing that well, she was clad with typical 80's hair, fashion and makeup. She introduced America to Debarge's Rhythm of the Night. Memories, I say! Memories!

I don't know what reminded me of that movie last Saturday but I sure did surf to Amazon to purchase the DVD. I can't wait til it gets here. I know the movie almost line by line. Scene by scene. I know every song, every fight scene.

Okay so my favorite scene is probably the one I posted below. Thanks to YOUTUBE! Watch the first minute or so, if you have the time.

It's the happy ending! It's an ending we all dream about. Guy gets the girl and girl gets the guy, the bad people are banished, and all is well in Smallville. Smokie and Syreeta seal it with one of my all time favorite love songs, First Time On A Ferris Wheel. Guy and girl hug and get lifted off to 7th Heaven. **sigh** I love it! While many girls my age were dreaming of being Cinderella, I was wishing to be Vanity waiting for a Prince Charming that looked like Taimak. LOL... Lucky me cuz a couple years later, Taimak gets cast in Janet Jackson's video Let's Wait Awhile and I get to lay my eyes on him again!

Were you watching this movie in 1985? What were you up to in '85? And... what's the name of the movie?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Calgon, Take Me Away

I have been on drone status lately, sleep walking through life. I don't quite know when it happened. I don't remember the exact moment I stopped really living but I've been feeling like a mummy lately. My life has fallen into such a funk, reminiscent of Bill Murray's character on Groundhog's Day. When will I get my day "right" so that I can stop reliving the same montonous routine? I feel like I need to be awakened or jolted into a different reality; one that has me sucking the very marrow out of life.

Today, I skipped church. I've been feeling so ill lately. Ever since I returned from my family reunion, I have been so sick and utterly exhausted. At church, I serve as the organist. I teach the 12 and 13 year old young women and I'm also on the committee that plans the church activities. Am I exhausted? Absolutely! I feel tired beyond measure and very discouraged at not being able to do things I really LOVE doing. I feel heavily burdened by my responsibilities at church. At times I feel bogged down by my duties as a Polynesian woman to my extended family. And always in the background is my faithful husband. Loyal and ever patiently supporting me.

Doing things that I really LOVE doing...

  • Walking in the mountains to unwind and feel the power in nature

  • Timing out to write a book

  • Sleeping in on Sundays rather than scrambling to put the finishing touches on a Sunday lesson

  • Laying in bed an extra hour to read a few chapters in a book

  • Playing with iMovie on my iMac so I can get better at it

  • Taking the Special Projects sewing class

  • Hitting the beach to soak up some sun and to be cleansed by the ocean

  • Taking my nieces and nephew on excursions

  • There's just so much more that I could be doing than reliving the same monotonous routine. Calgon, take me away!

    How do you unclutter your life and get rid of unnecessary burdens?

    Thursday, August 07, 2008

    Nasty Cold

    Sorry I've been away. I've been sick in bed with a nasty cold and a nasty back spasm. Though I have been going to work, when I get home, I'm in the shower and straight to bed. Foregoing the responsibility of putting a meal on the table. Sometimes I need a break. LOL

    So I celebrated my birthday on Sunday, a day early. Mom and Dad had an intimate dinner for the family. It was nice. We had barbecue short ribs and potato salad. Mmmm mmm good!

    My nieces both drew me pictures. They know how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE homemade cards.

    My brother told me a cute story about my nephew when he was trying to decide what to get me for my birthday. And the story begins... I think I was on the mainland when I suffered from a spider bite on my toe. At least, that's what I thought it was. It had been bleeding while we were at the family reunion. My nephew seen it and thought it was the coolest thing that I got bit by a spider. (He's a huge Spiderman fan). So when my brother was asking about what they should get me for my birthday -- my nephew said... "I know what we can get Aunty for her birthday. We can get her a bandaid for her spider bite." Obviously, I think this is the cutest story or I wouldn't be sharing it with you. LOL.... Children are so genuine.

    Hopefully I'll be feeling better to put some good stuff up. Toodles!!

    Saturday, August 02, 2008

    Thirty Three

    I'm reaching my thirty-third year on Monday, August 4th. Probably the thing that has plagued my life in the last year has been my issues with fertility or lack thereof. Time is ticking away and consequently so is my biological clock. I feel an unbelievable pressure to bear children. My anatomical parts point to the purpose of my body bearing children and it is something I desire. More lately than ever before. The primal urges in my body symbolize the eternal need to "propagate the species". The creator made it that way.

    Choices made in my youth regarding the use of birth control has probably exacerbated the situation, therefore requiring me to take measures to make it right. I stated in a previous post that I will probably be on clomid by September since I currently suffer from anovulation. Clomid is supposed to kickstart the creation of eggs. The reproductive system is so delicate. Any deviation can throw the entire cycle off it's natural course.

    I never really thought about children. In my mind, I just thought that they'd come naturally in due course without me having to pursue it so aggressively. I'm okay with it because I know there is a masterplan behind my life and something as important as children could NEVER be random. I know that when my body is ready for it, the children will come without so much planning.

    What else has happened in the past year? Well, I decided to go back to school, full-time. I begin on my birthday. I thought that was apropos as I begin a new segment in my life. I've proved to myself that I don't need secondary schooling to be successful. Now, I'd like to take it to another level and actually see how far I can go within the confines of academia. After I finish off my undergrad, I'd like to go to law school, pass the Hawaii State BAR and consult from home. I have no desire to practice law or to be in a courtroom setting but Law interests me, nonetheless.

    As I commence on my 33rd year and lay to rest my 32nd, I am hopeful for whats next on the horizon. Motherhood? God-willing! Academia? Definitely! I thank the Creator for my health and strength throughout the last year. May it continue to be mine through the next millenia! Happy Birthday and Happy New Year to me!

    Friday, August 01, 2008

    Family Reunion... Accomplished!

    Well, I made it back from my family reunion -- all safe and sound and snuggly. I'm so glad to be home. I have realized that I'm such an island girl. The idea of being landlocked disorients me. I need to be near the ocean... near the Pacific ocean.

    The family reunion was a total success. No contention. No drama. No complaining about activities. It was GREAT! We were small in numbers considering the number of people in our family but it was a great turn out, this being our first reunion.

    Husband and I were able to spend time with his children. They flew up to meet us. So that made me an instant mother for the weekend. It was a different experience. One that I would have to blog about in-depth. I will get around to that as soon as I get over the jet lag. The kids look like my husband and according to him, could pass as ours. The children had a blast meeting with their cousins and I enjoyed seeing them mix and mingle with the family. It was funny how husband and I were so stupid at parenting. Breakfast? He and I ALWAYS skip it and we shouldn't have made the kids skip it also but leave it to us to be stupid parents. LOL. As I stated before -- I will blog more about it later.

    All the events and activities went off just as cousin and I had planned them. My cousin... the girl in this picture was my co-planner for this reunion. I'm so excited that she's getting stationed here in Hawai'i. She's an officer, excuse me -- a captain, in the U.S. Army and I couldn't be prouder of her. Her skills as a leader translated into the execution of this reunion. Hallelujah!! So this is my plug for her because she's single, successful and looking for Mr. Right. She grew up in southern Georgia and is now making her way to Hawai'i for the next 3 years. Any takers? LOL... Of course this is a picture of her looking a little rough -- but still beautiful as ever.

    The food was alright -- nothing extravagant. We settled on the next reunion being in Hawai'i in 2011. Consequently, that means I'm planning it again and so is my cousin since she'll be here in Hawai'i as well. She and I swore up and down that it wouldn't be us again. The one good thing is that we'll be planning it here in the state we reside. Yayy!! My resources are so much more broad here in Hawai'i than anywhere else. I'm pretty excited about planning it for 2011. That gives me three whole years to work some magic.

    One of my goals for this year was to bring this reunion to completion. It happened. Now I'm done and on to my next project... release 50 pounds. Monday, August 4th -- I begin my journey toward releasing 50 pounds FOREVER!