Tuesday, December 20, 2005
So here I am without a topic. Without any idea what I'd truly like to say... however, as I go along, I believe the words reveal itself.
I have been blessed with so many talents. I really have. And I don't say it to brag. I say it to acknowledge that I know they are there as a blessing from God. What amazes me sometimes is just how much I'm able to accomplish and yet still feel so inadequate. I feel like I fall short as a wife because husband isn't that grateful for ALL the many things I do for him. If he is, I don't know how he shows it.
I wish I could go into detail about all of it without making the two of us look like buttheads.... but I can't. So the details will remain with me.
Love, as in life, is a series of cycles. Ups. Downs. I find at this moment that I would really love to hear my husband acknowledge my many sacrifices for him and HIS. I can't stand when he's short with me. It's always about him and rarely ever about MY DREAMS. He says they're too risky. I choose to live an extraordinary life but continue to allow husband to talk me out of it. **sigh**
For everybody in love, what is your secret for STAYING in love?
Thursday, December 15, 2005
It's a beautiful day in the islands......
But I miss the seasons sometimes. Here in Hawai'i you got the wet season and the dry season and that's about it. I should be more grateful for the good fortune of having moderate temperatures all the year round. And I am... just sometimes I wish I could dress up in a turtleneck, boots, a nice leather coat, etc etc... you know what I mean. I just love to dress up and actually watch the seasons change. **heavy sigh**
I took this picture with my sprint phone, on the way home from the mall. What a beautiful day!!!
Seasons Greetings EVERYONE!!
Friday, December 09, 2005
Just yesterday, wasn't it my 21st birthday? I was headed out to the club. Young, single and 100% LEGAL. And didn't I get my boogie on with SEVERAL different prospective dates for the following weekend? Hmmm... I seem to remember a few too many tequila shots. A few too many DIPS on the dance floor and a mess load of birthday kisses.
Yesterday was my 16th birthday. I was headed to the mall to do some "ME" time. Yep. I bought me an LL poster, a Gladys Knights greatest hits CD, some cookies from Mrs. Fields and called it a day. My mama gave me the keys to her van and I just drove. It was so relaxing. Happy Sweet 16!
Just yesterday was my 13th birthday. I woke up that morning and saw a whole bunch of my cousins in the living room. Wow, I thought. Totally Cool!! WE hung out. Everybody was cooking for some big event. I went outside, helped my sister decorate the garage. Then my friends started coming over and I just thought the day couldn't get any better. What my mama had done... she planned me a surprise birthday party. She had me decorating and tellin' folks where to hang the crepe paper and where to put the balloons. LOL... that's so me!
The other day was my eighth birthday. We were camping at the beach. I got baptized then we had a HUGE party complete with games. I still remember the outfit I was wearing. Pink shorts and a red and white shirt with ruffles. Oh my goodness. It was the most fun in the entire world. Life was simple then.
Just yesterday was my fourth birthday. I think I had the most BEAUTIFUL cake in all the world. It was a Snow White cake. I had never heard of Snow White until that evening. I don't think I've ever watched the movie either but I will tell you that it was the most BEAUTIFUL cake in all the world. It was time to sing happy birthday and I remember being so touched by all the love I felt that evening. I sat behind my cake, tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face while everyone sang. I'm gonna dig out that picture and show yall just how beautiful it was.
Where did all the time go?
Sunday, December 04, 2005
I love my husband. When we're hammering away at the issues in our relationship, we often get into these BIG arguments. He can't stand when I cry. I can't stand that he criticizes the tears. **sigh** It just exacerbates the problem and makes it bigger than it should be. Really, the only problem is communication. If we were both communicating effectively, we would be able to agree to disagree. And that has been hard for us.
I am EXTREMELY grateful for my husbands presence in my life. I honor him and bless the day we first crossed paths. He fits in my world most of the time. I am wayyyy more agressive than he is and it scares him to death. I am not afraid of failure. I am NOT afraid to try ANYTHING and that scares him as well. **sigh**
So we've been compromising.... if you CANNOT learn to do that, marriage is just NOT for you.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
The truth is... I'm not an angel... but I'm trying to earn those wings. **winks** I'm trying to respect that the act of making love is SACRED, eternal, so close to Godliness.
I think PORN appeals to the most base desires of human nature. Everything we put in our bodies and in our minds will manifest itself EVENTUALLY.
What I hate about porn... ahhh...
Friday, November 11, 2005
Ladies and Gentlemen, please... let me know what you're thinking.
Does porn have an effect on a relationship?
Does it conflict with your morals?
Negative or positive effects on your life and your spirit?
Please... help me understand!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Yesterday, a trip that normally takes an hour and a half took two hours and fifteen minutes. That's just ONE WAY. Yup, I spend 90 minutes on the bus just to get to work.
Returning home takes another 90 minutes but you have to add the 30 minutes that I sit waiting for the bus. Yesterday, it was 30 minutes late. So, total travel time yesterday was four hours and fifteen minutes.
Add in the eight hours I spent sitting at my desk. Add an hour for lunch. The total time away from home: 13 hours and fifteen minutes. It's so not worth it.
4 hours Travel time (RT)
+9 hours Work day
24 hours in the day
-13 hours that I spent at work or en route
=11 hours left in the day
11 hours to play with
-8 hours of sleep... which I rarely get. who sleeps for 8 hours?
=3 hours ........ all I get is three hours to spend with my family
So... this temp job ends at the end of this month. And I'm done! Having a job means NOT having a life.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
There is so much going on in my world that it's hard to put my finger on JUST ONE THING that has kept me away from my blog. As I analyze things in my mind, I find that I categorize things into what I need and what I want.
A couple of weeks ago, husband and I endeavored on actually writing down our goals. I've learned in the "seminar circuit" that writing down our goals separates them from just wishing it. This was actually a difficult exercise for me. I didn't complete it. It's like I'm afraid to dream further than what I've already dreamed up for myself. I'm afraid to write it down. Afraid to put it on paper because then I must hold myself to it. **sigh**
I have changed so much in the past year that it is hard to imagine the way I was last year. Husband and I have placed ourselves on such an exciting journey. We had a deep discussion the other night about where our lives are headed. It can be said that the path we're on is less traveled. It can be said that the path is dangerous. Yet, I hear the rumblings in my spirit to STOP BEING average.
In our discussion about this exciting new world, I told husband that I have the courage to continue on. Come what may, I will stand firm in my beliefs. So while folks claim to pledge allegiance to their hero's, I think we're all missing the point. Allegiance to our hero's means FOLLOWING them on their path... and that path is usually LESS TRAVELLED, fraught with danger yet unbelievably FULFILLING.
Very few of us ever do what we were born to do. We allow ourselves to be shaped by what our parents and teachers want for us. Or we allow the media to manipulate us. But all of us have a purpose that is greater than we can imagine for ourselves. I believe we must follow that nagging in our gut to take the road less travelled instead of allowing the government and the school system beat us into submission.
Remember that passion we had as teenagers... to CHANGE.THE.WORLD. Why aren't we changing the world? Why hasn't the world changed? Because what we fear is alienation. We fear retribution. We are afraid of going against the grain. We don't want to go to jail. All these things have LITTLE to do with our own moral compass. Yet it is that compass that should direct us... not FEAR.
The highest power that I will EVER have to answer to is the Creator. The evil regime that runs this country today does not scare me. My direction is clear and I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of what will be said of me. It is of NO consequence.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
I am so sorry that our Friday meeting has caused you so much unhappiness. I had thought that we had cleared the air and were starting anew, with a better understanding of each other. Thank you for sharing your impressions, I didn't realize that the only messages that came through very strongly were my frustration and stress. Unfortunately in a situation like that, the negatives far outway the positives. I hope that as your hurt subsides that you will also remember the positives.
First, please remember my apologizing to you for being placed in a situation during the busiest time of a very busy year, when I didn't have time to establish a relationship with you or help you through the beginning stages of your training. And how unfair that was to you.
Second, please remember that I told you how pleased I was with the way you spoke with the customers on the phone, and how good you were in your relations with the other employees.
Third, please remember me talking about the confidence I had in your intelligence, ability and potential and how much I was looking forward to what your future with the company would be.
Anyway, I would like to clear up a few misunderstandings that have become apparant from your letter. As far as your duties here, I thought that had been clearly explained in the course of the two interviews. I had the feeling earlier in the week that there might be some fuzziness in your understanding of your role in the company, so I had spoken with Don and Dianna and had asked them if they felt we had covered that well in the second interview. They thought we had all been very clear on that point, so I didn't pursue it with you at that time. So as you can see, I have been thinking all along that you had a much clearer picture than you obviously did, which is why I misinterpreted your hesitation to become more involved in your dealings with me. Again, I apologize for not acting on my first instinct, and speaking with you earlier. My desire was for you to get comfortable with the company and find your legs before I started adding to your plate.
As far as the money goes, I was trying to give you a compliment in that I felt you were worth paying the employment agency upcharge. There were some other candidates that we were considering that were not attached to an agency, but I had such strong positive feelings about you that it was worth the extra charges. I was not meaning to tie that to your performance. I have had only two issues that were not positive, your messages, which we have resolved, and my misinterpretation of you interest in working directly with me, which I also thought we had resolved.
Lastly, as always seems to be the case, your lack of " Good Mornings" to me, hurt me as well. It fed the feeling I had that you wanted to keep a distance.
It looks overall that we should have both spoken with each other sooner about our situation, but the lion's share of that falls with me. I'm truly sorry I didn't communicate in a much better way with you. It has been an extremely difficult 4 or 5 weeks, and I've been trying very hard to hold on and get what needs to be done, done, without turning into a crazy person. I'm sorry you were a part of that period.
If it means anything, I would very much like for you to continue to try for a while longer and see if it's not a good place for you. I truly believe you and the company are a good match, and I also believe that you and I have a much better understanding of each other and can build a good working relationship. I can't promise the stress will not get to me from time to time, as I can't promise it won't get to you, but I can promise I will definitely start including you in what's going on. I hope you will change your mind, but if you don't, I hope you will forgive me for the unhappiness I've given you in such a short period of time
All the Best,
Friday, October 28, 2005
I said hello. And hello hung there without a response. I said hello once more and it went unanswered for a second time.
But I know who was on the receiving end. I know who called me from a Vegas area code.
Love is love no matter when it happened. Once you put that kinda love into the universe, there's no taking it back and retrieving it for yourself to give to another. That love vibration is out there with the intended recipient, presumably since the point when the love was given. Saying that I once loved him doesn't make sense because LOVE is LOVE no matter when it happened.
I know he misses me and wishes he NEVER let me go but the point is, he did! The point is, I'm in love with someone else. The point is, no amount of phantom calls will ever steer me from the man who loves me now. The point is, I've moved on.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I've been thinking about writing this letter since Friday. An entire day has passed and the feeling is still here. I feel inclined to express myself to you, as you've already had the opportunity of expressing yourself to me. It is my desire to rectify things and make everything PONO**. To release myself from any negativity that intrinsically connects myself to you.
The meeting we had on Friday morning between you, DeeDee and myself was very enlightening. Friday was my sixth day of work at your establishment. It was not emphasized that I was to serve as your "right-hand-man" or that I was to keep you off the phone. Much of my duties were left to my own interpretation. Though I am very good at anticipating the needs of most people, I found it very hard to read what, exactly, your needs were. I would have really appreciated if you reviewed with me HOW you want things done. I couldn't INHERENTLY know what those things are.
I understand that my inability to be any of your previous assistants is frustrating. You truly UNLOADED all of those frustrations on me. I could not have possibly known how much pressure you're under to perform. My desire to not disturb you was misjudged as an unwillingness to be of help. My "cryptic" phone messages, as you so eloquently called them, were ineffective and NOT helping you. I would not have known that you "pay me more than you would normally pay someone in my position". Perhaps I wasn't living up to the monetary value you agreed to pay me.
Anyway, the end result of all my shortcomings was the "big blow up" which is our meeting on Friday morning. It seemed I was the ONLY candidate to be on the receiving end of all your negative energy. You felt strongly to share with me how much pressure you're under. How would I have known? You shared with me that you're normally a good person. How could I have known? From day one, the nicest thing you said to me was "good morning" AFTER greeting the parrot. You shared with me that you did a whole bunch of things that I should have been doing. Again, how could I have known? NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.
As I sat in that meeting when you were sharing these thoughts and a host of others, the only thing I could think of was how did I make these things happen? Perhaps, my ineffectiveness on Friday morning was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". I am the newest employee, with the least amount of experience and knowledge about your leadership style or about the business, yet I am the one that gets dumped on. True character is revealed in our hardest times.
I maintained my composure the entire day and resolved to be a better assistant to you. But as soon as I rounded the corner of that building, I cried in a way that I couldn't cry in our meeting. As I explained my tears to my husband, who picked me up from work, I realized two things.
One - there is no chemistry between us. You already resent me for failing to read your needs. And two - I don't want to waste anyone's time, yours and least of all mine. Since I am, technically, an employee of the temp agency, I have notified them that I will NOT be returning to your company.
I appreciate the opportunity you've given me and I wish you much success and happiness. The entire purpose of life is to be happy. May you be blessed.
**PONO : Hawaiian for righteousness or the act of returning things to a positive flow.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Husband bought me this CD on Wednesday. I shoulda told him to get it on AMAZON... cuz that mugg is like $2 bucks cheaper even after you add the shipping!! I love an unplugged CD!!! Fa real... the "live" sound is BEAUTIFUL. Sometimes pure music is masked by too many drum machines and synthesizers. Can't hide any flaws when you're doing it live. I love it.
Why is "Unbreakable" such a cute song? **giggles** She hollers out a whole bunch of celebrity black couples.
"If I Was Your Woman"... just beautiful.
The CD might not be for everybody but I just love when someone can tickle the ivories and captivate my interest.
Thanks Alicia!!! Keep on doin' ya thang.
Children have been molested and it hurts my heart. And the Catholic church works EXTENSIVELY to cover it up. **heavy sigh** Hundreds and hundreds of children, FOREVER changed.... never to be the same.... ever.
Celibacy is so unnatural.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Where would I have been?
I'd have been in the crowd watching Martin Luther King, Jr. deliver his famous "I Have A Dream" speech.
I'd mourn the assassination of Malcolm X and praise the God that blessed us with him.
I'd have protested the Vietnam War... as many times as I could.
Where would I have been?
I'd have been curled up in a bomb shelter somewhere preparing for nuclear chaos. I'd have witnessed the Cuban missile crisis.
I'd watch the country mourn the assassination of JFK then later his brothers' assassination.
I'd have been on the front lines of feminism. And witness the birth of the "pill".
Where would I have been?
I'd witness the rise and fall of The Black Panthers.
I'd see with my own eyes Thurgood Marshall sworn into the supreme court.
I'd watch a man walk on the moon... supposedly.
Where would I have been?
Watching Stokely Carmichael and the Black Power movement emerge!
I'd cry tears of joy when Muhammad Ali rejects the draft.
I can't believe I missed all the turmoil and all the passion.
So tell me folks.... what else happened in the 60's that I missed? Where would you have been?
Monday, September 26, 2005
My final comment on this book: "Don't believe the HYPE!"
This novel is not something I'd usually be interested in. I know my first post about this book hinted at me enjoying the author's writing. I change my mind! However, he does have a few pages in there that are worth reading... no, never mind... the entire book was mumbo jumbo about catholocism and science, illuminati and wild chases around Rome and the Vatican. The only reason I kept at it was because I thought there'd be a wonderful payoff at the end. Don't believe the HYPE.
The story was simple yet complicated. Simple because you knew what HAD to happen to progress to the next event. Complicated because the author complicated the story with the event. Everything was predictable. And did I tell you that the MAJORITY of the book is based on a 24-hour period? That is ONE.LONG.RUN.ON.SENTENCE.
The main characters, Robert Langdon and Vittoria Vetra, are on a chase to prevent the murder of four key cardinals that are up for the papacy. The clues on this chase are found in classic art. Some of the connections the author made with the art were so far fetched and beyond belief. For me, part of reading a novel is imagining that the fiction is REALITY. That just didn't happen with any of the events. It was COMPLETELY unbelievable. One of the most absurd EVENTS happened to be one of the FINAL events in the book where the main character survives a free fall from a helicopter that was about three miles up. NO CHANCE.
I'm just really disappointed. Too many stories. Too many scandals. Too FAR FETCHED!
And the end! The end was soooo unworthy of the time I invested in reading. Sickening! I should have listened to myself and NOT bought the book.... borrow it, maybe! My final word... DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I am humbled by the love God has for me. Folks, I wish I could share the things that are transpiring in my life right now.... but they are far too sacred to share and wayyy too close to my heart to have it posted on this page.
I did want to share, however, that I am just one person... and in this great big universe, HIS EYES are on me.
HE means to grant EVERY righteous desire of my heart... and I am humbled by HIS great love for me.
His name shall endure for ever: his name shall be continued as long as the sun: and men shall be blessed in him: all nations shall call him blessed.
Blessed be the Lord God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things.
And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his glory; Amen, and Amen.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Serious! All week long, all we did last week was fight. We'd wake up and be at each others throats in the morning. We'd ignore each other all afternoon. By late evening, when we're laying down to bed, we're at it all over again and on until after midnight. By Saturday, we were teetering on the edge of madness and the tension unleashed itself. Our HUGE fight ended in him leaving with his friend and me taking off in the car. The fight sent me straight to 7-11 to pick up a pack of smokes. Now, I haven't had a smoke since June and I broke the streak on Saturday... but this is a new week and I've forgiven myself for that moment of weekness.
What could we possibly be fighting about? Well, we're both so busy analyzing all the "money" options we have in front of us, that we've forgotten to take care of each others hearts, each others spirits. Not even an hour after our big fight on Saturday, husband called me to apologize. I was floored because USUALLY I'm the first to "submit". Everything was all better in an instant. Our yelling match had revealed MANY truths that we both needed to hear.
Husband relies solely on me for money moves. Most of the time it's such a heavy burden because the thought of money doesn't stir me in the least bit.... yet I've been blessed with a good brain to be able to analyze information. The only language he's been speaking in the past couple of months is BUSINESS, BUSINESS, BUSINESS. Yet I am so much more than that! That is the TRUTH that I needed him to hear.
I needed him to feed my spirit, feed my heart and tend to my emotions and physical affections. He heard me. He apologized.
That knock down argument is probably why I find myself at such a crossroad. I've been granted so much free time that I don't know what to do with. Should I get a job? Should I go back to school? Should I pursue my "magazine"? **shrugs**
Well anyway... husband and I have been really communicating lately. He UNDERSTANDS completely what I've been saying about learning to balance every area of our life.
I asked him, "When was the last time we did something really nice?" He had no answer.So on Monday I went out and bought him some scriptures... embossed with his name. This... so that he can feed his spirit, right alongside me. Our souls can mingle as we reflect on things of an eternal nature... to remind us that we are but small pieces of intelligence in a much larger picture. Have yall seen Men In Black II? At the end, when Jay opens the locker and he realizes that his universe is a small speck to an even larger universe... that's EXACTLY what I mean.
I asked him, "When was the last time you bought me flowers?" He had no answer.
I asked him, "When was the last time you spoke with God?" He had no answer.
The truth is, when we seek for higher understanding, higher learning, we gain an eternal perspective that is priceless. So even as I rant and rave about the evil that is so rampant on planet earth, I do find peace in acknowledging God's hand in my life. Ultimately, we are just small specks in God's large universe. Can you dig it?
Monday, September 19, 2005
Stuff I've been doing...
1. I watched, "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" on Friday night. I went with my cousin. She's been really wanting to watch the movie. I'm a big chicken (LOL) and I found myself shielding my eyes from any expected gore. Actually, there was no gore. What else? The sound effects really MADE the movie! The screams and the anticipation building sounds were SUCCESSFUL in making me jump.
2. I've been thinking about going back to school. Lately, I've been so bored sitting around the house doing nothing. School seems like a worthy place to be. I'm all about feeding my mind!
3. I've also been thinking about getting a job. Hopefully... something close to home. Staying home feels so UNPRODUCTIVE.
4. Saturday night, I spent some time with a friend of mine at the hospital. Her son had surgery on his hip. It was a quick procedure because he went home the next day. After that, we went to dinner with our husbands at a drive-in near the hospital.
5. I have a nasty cold or flu. I feel terrible. My throat is just UHHHH!!! So if I don't blog for the next couple of days, you'll know why!
6. Went to church VERY late on Sunday. But... I was there, feeding my spirit!
7. Lately, the only things I've been watching on TV is the stuff on public access. We have some REALLY good programs out here on public access. There's Democracy Now, Free Speech TV, Alex Jones specials and a host of other stuff. There was this dude on one night. It had to be at least 3am. He had dreads and a Carribean accent, talkin' about all the U.S. presidents that were going to hell. It was funny and he was actually spittin' knowledge.
8. The more I study and educate myself on "secret combinations"... the more I realize that that stuff is POISON. You can become totally consumed by its evils and I'm generally a happy person... optimistic about life.
9. My biggest dream has always been to be an editor of my very own magazine. It's still in the works. My brother in Michigan called me on Thursday and we discussed the possibilities... cuz the magazine happens to be his dream as well.
10. I'm wondering where my life will take me.
Friday, September 16, 2005
I hate that there is no cure for his ailment and you're the ONLY one to blame.
Your selfishness robbed him of the ability to focus, to concentrate. That hurts him in school. They try to put him into mandatory special education. I continue to fight to keep him from it.
In grade school, the teachers and administration labeled him a trouble maker. Behavioral problems stemming from something you could have prevented. The psychologists suggested ritalin... no way in hell!
He's in the seventh grade now and is still struggling to catch up with his peers. Even now, we're still not sure what his learning style is and what works with his learning disabilities.
I lose patience so quickly, with him, but it's not really his fault, is it?
It's not his fault that he cannot reason efficiently. I blame you for that.
Though you birthed him, you will NEVER see the difficulties you have subjected him to. You will never sit with him long into the evening to help him with his vocabulary.... because he's still catching up. You will never have to explain to him a million times why he must look both ways before crossing the road. You are spared from watching him cry in frustration over failing a test because he 'just couldn't remember'. You will never have to experience the pain of watching him make poor decisions due to his inability to gauge danger.
On the flip side, you will NEVER see him progress. That blessing is granted to us.
You could have prevented this! When he sat in your womb, I wish you just left the drugs and alcohol alone.
When I was 18, my parents brought home a three month old baby boy. He was a foster child in our home. The woman that birthed him left the hospital WITHOUT her baby boy and never turned back. By age four, our family adopted him. In a few days, he'll be 12. It was meant for him to come into our home, there is no doubt about that. However, the effects his birth mother has on his life is astounding.
She turned tricks for a living. She did drugs. She drank lots and lots of alcohol. She has lived a destructive lifestyle and it continues to influence his life. It makes me sad that he must suffer through the effects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, yet happy that he has NEVER BEEN EXPOSED to her lifestyle. The effects are irreversible. There is NO WAY to gauge what she has stolen from him and at the same time, there's no way to determine just HOW MUCH he has blessed our lives.
I love you "baby boy"!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
- Subconscious or the LOW SELF
- Conscious or the MIDDLE SELF
- Superconscious or the HIGH SELF
Most of us operate strictly with our conscious mind. Some of us dabble with the subconscious or at least acknowledge its existence. Yet, very few of us have the capacity to accept that God has placed a part of THEM in us and we find this at the highest level.
The subconscious or the LOW SELF is very complex. The term LOW is in reference to being beneath the surface, not as level of importance. It records EVERYTHING. It is our MEMORY. This part of our existence is the TRUE director behind ALL our actions and emotions.
The conscious mind, our MIDDLE SELF is in relation to the senses. Sight, Sound, Scent, Taste, Touch, our ability to reason. This MIDDLE SELF is an energy body, whereas the low self is an etheric body, metaphysical OR a shadow.
The superconscious, our HIGH SELF is our connection to GOD. It is the link to divine heritage. It is the link to other high selves, our ancestors, infinite wisdom and intelligence.
Prayer and meditation help to GROW our higher selves. When we pray for insight or solutions to our day to day problems, we allow the God in us to work its magic. Folks may call this line of thinking, blasphemy. I think it's God's perfect order of things and an affirmation that I truly AM a child of God. A portion of HIM AND HER reside in me.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I had to let it go. A few days after having had the piano delivered, there were a couple of keys that was NOT QUITE sounding right. They weren't out of tune. That wasn't it. When I played, it sounded the same way a speaker sounds when its blown out. It was terrible. I called the man I bought the piano from twice to come and fix it. And everytime, after he'd do what he does, the piano sounded more terrible.
Fortunately, he did agree to take the piano back. Although he took $150 off the top, I still got the majority of my money back. I couldn't teach piano lessons with the way that piano sounded. I suppose I just have to buy a brand new piano or get a keyboard. Either one will pay itself off.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I bought the paperback version on Saturday at K-Mart. My sister-in-law highly recommended the book. She said she couldn't put it down and absolutely DID NOT want the book to end. Another friend of mine said the same thing. So, I have to investigate the hype.
Lately, all I've been reading is non-fiction. This novel is perfect for me to transition back to fiction. Plus, I want to read The DaVinci Code because I hear it's coming out in theatres soon.
So I'm on page 52, chapter 15. So far, it's been an "okay" read. There's been a murder. The corpse has been branded with "illuminati". The corpse happens to be a physicist at a super secure, secret hide-away of the worlds top physicists.
The story definitely piques my interest. More than likely, I'm interested because of the way he rights rather than the content. Does that make sense? I mean, he could be talking about 'how to make a pb&j sandwich' and I think I'd be into it.
So has anybody else read it?
What were your thoughts on it?
Monday, September 12, 2005
We watch the rise in popularity of hip hop and know that her demise has been exploitaion. (Yes, Hip Hop is a she!)
We devour certain blogs because they are just.that.good... then lose interest once we realize that said blogger DID NOT write the entry just for you. It was written for the masses that are reading because the blog had been... exploited.
We marvel at musical masterpieces that we enjoy in some little known cafe.... and think, "Damn, the world needs to hear him play the piano and sing as he does." Then when they get that million dollar deal... they're exploited and we move right along... looking for that PURE sound, again.
Art and expression have been robbed by exploitation. But who wants to remain a starving artist? However, we often tell ourselves that we'd never sell out for money. We write because it is PURELY our thoughts! We rhyme and flow because it is PURELY our thoughts. We make beautiful music because it is PURELY our thoughts... and when the first opportunity for exposure comes along, we submit to it OR do we remain a starving artist?
We rationalize by saying that we want to express to the world, our thoughts. But if someone else is footing the bill for your creative expression then, ultimately, THEIR thoughts are YOUR thoughts. Am I wrong?
It's like finding a fresh water spring on your property, that is yours ALONE to enjoy... then someone coming along and selling rights to the water.... and now you get the money but you get zero satisfaction when it comes to enjoyment. SICKENING!!!
Rest in peace, purity! Exploitation has robbed, maimed and murdered you!
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I rarely watch TV. However, I do love a good story.
I used to be the BIGGEST fan of all the CSI shows until I started predicting the plot. I'm sure many of us do that. For me, that's my que to exit stage left. LOL... If I find myself watching the boob tube, you'll find me on the food network... duh! A big girl loves to watch food being prepared. I call it the boob tube cause that's all you see on TV nowadays... boobs, tits, breasts... whatever you wanna call it. Lord knows that a woman is so much more than that.
Sometimes I'll catch an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I also love the makeover shows on TLC. Trading Spaces, Clean Sweep, While You Were Out, What Not to Wear... you get the idea. Transformation is fun to watch.
This brings me to, what will hopefully be, my addiction for the fall TV lineup. REUNION!!!! The premiere was on Thursday and I missed it. Lucky for me, Fox had an encore showing this evening. So where do we begin? In case you didn't visit the website and have no intention of watching the show along with me, the blurb from the website states:
In 1986 they were the best of friends. By 2005 one will be murdered. All will be suspects.....The new show where every episode is another year. And every year reveals another step in solving the mystery of the murder between high school friends. The six characters age from 18 to 38 in the course of one television season.I think the ENTIRE premise of the show is brilliant.
FOX has really stepped up their fall lineup. They have some really good shows. Last season... HOUSE was my Tuesday night addiction. I was hooked on North Shore for a minute but that show got cancelled. The absence of 'ethnicity' buggs me out but well, I can't really do anything about it UNTIL I actually own a broadcasting company. LOL... am I wrong? Even if I boycott the station, there are still millions of others that ARE watching it.
Back to this new show, REUNION. Has any other network tried this format? Most shows create the crime and solve it in one episode. Reunion has created JUST ONE crime and has written a whole seasons worth of shows to solve it. So we get to witness all these different stories with these six characters. Click for a RECAP.
I absolutely adore the character of WILL. He's the son of a landscaper and his best friend happens to be a REALLY rich kid. Will goes to jail for Craig for vehicular manslaughter.
The REALLY rich kid is Craig. He seems like he's a good enough kid but you just KNOW that he'll be as manipulative as his father is. Go figure.
Aaron is heading off to MIT and he is in love with the resident whore, Jenna. Aaron is a virgin but Jenna deflowers him before the episodes end.
Carla is in love with Aaron. Her mother died when she was 11 and she was very ANGRY. Her best friend is Samantha... who is Craig's girlfriend... but she's pregnant from WILL.
The writers did an EXCELLENT job of blasting us with six intriguing characters. Six friends, a thousand stories and the stories are happening in the relationships. I can't wait til next Thursday.
I rarely watch TV. However, I do love a good story.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
I feel impressed to share how I've been feeling lately. I hope this will be my last and final entry about Katrina.
Katrina and the devastation it left behind can be looked at from so many angles. I've watched some of what is on the television. I've read blogs. I've read news articles. What is most lacking, for me, is the absence of HOPE. Part of my cynical eyes refuse to see the HOPE in any of the literature or media available because I KNOW the media profits off the devastation. The longer they prolong it, the longer they can sell those advertisements. So if you follow the money trail, you know that the "absence of HOPE" is paramount.
Yet there is HOPE. There can be happiness if we allow ourselves to see it. Imagine the brand newness of starting all over again. The loss of property and "stuff" is the least to be worried about. I understand that many lives have been lost and that is tragic, above all else. Lives cannot be replaced, stuff CAN!
I refuse to get sucked into the media's portrayal of despair, gloom and desperation. I am hopeful that folks will be able to persevere and flourish.
BTW: I hear that truckers strike was a rumour.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Word is... the truckers are gonna strike soon....
due to the rising gas prices.
Don't know how true it is...
but stocking up on food and general necessities
(i.e. toilet paper, soap, other luxuries)
might not be a bad idea.
Don't wait for the government to provide for you... because, really, you can provide for yourself. New Orleans is a perfect example of why you should take things into your own hands.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Friday, September 02, 2005
Everyone gives their spin on the state of the world.
Everyone has a "10-Second-Take" on current events.... and so do I!
I've been searching the blog world, voraciously reading the blogs that have analyzed Katrina and its significance. Folks have ideas on last Decembers tsunami in Indonesia and why or how it plays into the political and financial arena. Are they related to each other, aside from them being "natural" disasters? Are they even natural? A natural disaster is not so natural.
There is a connection! Everything is connected... just as ALL systems of the body are intricately connected, so are the current events that are playing out weaved together.
**WARNING: This is ALL my opinion culminated from reading and studying. It may cause skepticism but as I stated before, like an asshole - we all have an opinion. It may cause you to think that I am just plum outta my mind. Who cares? I don't!**
There are excellent book sources out there, most of which are out of print. However, the most recent book that is probably most helpful to bring you up to speed is Crossing The Rubicon by Michael C. Ruppert. I have actually met this man, took pictures and have spoken with him. It was a great experience. The book is an easy read even though it exceeds 600 hundred pages. I have never felt more empowered about the status of the world and how to better prepare for the worst.... that MUST COME TO PASS.
There is an intentional dumbing down going on around the country and its been in place for at least a century. Since government schools were implemented, curriculums have been manipulated and the product of schools, "employees", insure an endless supply of "human resources". That is an entirely different subject and deserves a post of its own... but it starts there... in school.
Today, I'd really like to look at the mass psychology that happens with the media because it is the most prevalent source of information in America. Why do I imply that the media, namely television, is the most prevalent source? Well, because no matter what economic position you're in, rich or poor, majority of homes in America have a television. Back to the mass psychology. A perfect example is the difference we've seen in how the media portrays people of color in regards to KATRINA and the looting going on. African Americans are "looting" while White people are "finding necessities". Well, that's what the media says.
Americans have been feeding into the media frenzy for decades now. How the media portrays people are intentional. Most folks take what is said on the television as gospel and never look further into what is being said. We KNOW that white people are right along side black people, looting and robbing. However, enter Ms. Molly and Mr. Folly whose only nourishment for the brain is TV. They believe it and feed into it. The side effect: Black people are looting for personal gain and white people are doing it to survive. So when, Ms. Molly or Mr. Folly come across a black person, the images they've seen on TV pop into their head. It's crazy.
So let's take this in another direction, completely separate of race. Failing to tell you what you need to know, omission, is the media's biggest profit. They control those of you that don't feed your brain with alternative theories and rely solely on the television. Everything the media portrays is SPIN. Everything I say is SPIN.... It is not just written to put my beliefs on display, it is written to evoke a certain emotion; to persuade you. The same is true for the media. I believe that if media were COMPLETELY unbiased, information would be disseminated as bullet points and headlines instead of essays and reports. All the added language is fluff and is part of the "intentional dumbing down". It is written solely to convince you to go in a given direction.
America tried and convicted Usama bin Laden without any facts, without a jury, without a court, without one shred of feasible evidence. The mass media's coverage of George Bush hypnotized an entire nation to go after Usama and al Qaeda. If that can be done to one man, imagine what the media can do to a class of people. An entire race of people.
Anyway, just days after 9/11, homeland security was implemented. I've touched on the comparisons between Hitler and Bush in regards to "the homeland". Right along side homeland security, the Patriot Act was voted in. Does the average American realize that the Patriot Act strips every single liberty guaranteed by the constitution of the United States? If you have seen the movie, Enemy of the State... that movie is VERY POSSIBLE, thanks to the Patriot Act. Freedom in America, what a concept!
I was caught in the rhetoric of September 11th. I was next to every American trying and convicting Usama based on George W. Bush's emotionally charged speeches. But more significantly, I was seduced by the media's portrayal of Usama and the media's coverage of "everything George". So folks, this is your wake up call! This is your call to action to feed your brain with something other than the television.
DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!
I couldn't be the woman I was before I met my ex. I just had to be me.
"Hi. My name is Coreen and I'm addicted to love. I'm addicted to being needed by someone. Anyone. I'm divorced. No children. Excellent career. I feel very displaced, like I have nowhere to go and at the same time, I'm EXCITED about the freedom that has just been given back to me."That is probably EXACTLY how I came off and it was all true. I knew that much about me.
When I finally arrived at the tatoo shop, I still hadn't decided what I was going to get. In fact, BooBoo was nearly done with hers and I was still walking around the shop looking at graphics. BTW: BooBoo got "SHUGA" tatoo'd on her left breast. My tatoo had to be significant. It had to mean something. It had to be a public display of the sum total of my being.
I sat down, thought about everything I had been through in the last couple of years and where life had taken me. I looked to my left and there it was....
TRANQUILITY: noun 1) a disposition free from stress and emotion 2) a state of peace and quietI realized that even with all the hurt I had experienced and continued to experience, I was okay. Peaceful, even. Tranquil! It made perfect sense to have that constant reminder tatoo'd on my body and the rest, as they say, is history. Everytime I look at the tatoo, it reminds me to be at peace and count my blessings.
Today, I proudly exclaim:
I AM PEACEFUL!!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
So preacher man talked about the prophet, Elisha. Particularly about healing a Syrian captain of leprosy as found in 2 Kings Chapter 5.
This Syrian captains name is Naaman. The maid to Naaman's wife says to her mistress:
"Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy."The maid is of the land of Israel.
So the king of Syria sends Naaman with silver and gold and fine clothing as payment to be healed by this prophet of Israel, Elisha. When Naaman arrives at Elisha's house. Elisha sends a messenger out saying that Naaman must dunk himself seven times in the river Jordan and he will be healed. (The river Jordan is not exactly the cleanest river.)
Naaman, puffed up in pride, is offended that Elisha hadn't even spoken to him or hadn't taken the time to meet him. So he went away completely ENRAGED. Naaman's servants told him:
"Why are you angry? If the prophet had asked you to do something great, wouldn't you have done it? Yet the prophet is only asking you to do a simple thing by washing in the river."Naaman understood what they were telling him and he took himself to the river and dunked himself seven times and was made clean.
So preacher man began to talk about OBEDIENCE being the first law of heaven. OBEDIENCE! I thought it was quite appropriate and I was highly EDIFIED today by what he had talked about. So I just thought I'd share it.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Face to face
We forget time and place
Hold me now
Don't let go
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together's gonna fly
And everything you do to me
Is gonna feel so right
Baby when you're loving me
I feel like I could cry
'Cause there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
(performed by Gloria Estefan)
Monday 02 April 2001
Dear Pepa, (the name of my diary)
The year is just flying by. My marriage is tick-tocking away. My husband has stopped caring about what we have. And I am sad. I take each day --> ONE AT A TIME. And I prepare myself for the end of our marriage. It is not something I want. Not at all. I don't want this love affair to end. I love him with everything I am. Being unappreciated takes its toll and yet with my husband, I can continue. I can take it if we're in Hawaii. Just give me a reason to do it. We don't love the way we used to. I lok at him and fall in love all over again. Every single time. And then, I feel like he doesn't love me back. I feel like I am a burden to him.
I sit at work and wonder what he's thinking. I think about him leaving. Think about him loving someone else. Think about how his promise to me means nothing. But then, that could go the same for him. He could be thinking the same thing of me --> that my promise to honor and respect him means nothing. I just don't know how he could just come home from New Mexico and wanna up and leave. Why am I not enough?
Before he left for New Mexico during this past holiday season... he told me that he was gonna take a leave of absence and help his mama for a few months. Well, he's decided that WE'RE moving to New Mexico. So here I am with a new job that I absolutely LOVE and can honestly see a future in it. One that will bring us financial security. And he wants me to leave it for "small town America". Just give me one reason to want to leave. Love is not enuff. It's so easy for him to leave me. And he tells me it's so easy for me to stay. Rightly so. I've built a life here, we've built a life together. Why is it so hard to see that?
The last time we made love, I cried. I was hurting inside. He was on top of me and all I could think about was that he was leaving me. All I thought about was that he loved me but not enough to stay with me. I could only think of how our love wasn't worth it. What is our love worth? Is it worth giving up my happiness? Is it worth giving up his happiness? I cannot ask of him that which I am not capable of. So we have agreed to separate. This is the first time I have admitted it. I don't wanna be without him but I cannot live in New Mexico.
He wants me to be something I'm not. He wants me to do what he did when we first came back here.... we left New Mexico and moved here. He left his home to come to my home. Now he wants to go back. But I am not him so how can he expect that of me? I don't wanna work for the State of New Mexico, like he's suggesting. That's off the subject. On the real --> if he doesn't wanna be with me, he will leave me. And as he prepares to leave me, I will prepare to be alone. My love for him does not end. I cannot envision loving another the way I love him.
I sit here and look at our pictures --> they always seem to capture us looking sooo happy. And he has made me happy. How he has treated me -- means the world to me. How he has ALWAYS been there for me... no one could fully know. And I will love him forever. I will still need him and forever long for him. Crave only him. And if he must leave me then do so!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Bush knows there's an energy crisis is on the horizon.
- He signed an Energy Bill?
- He's discussing Peak Oil?
- What does the Secretary of Energy know about energy? He must be a puppet... much in the same way the recent Iraqi government is a puppet.
Some people would rather pretend that peak oil doesn't exist. You be the judge. Do you REALLY think those roving blackouts are because of a so called "transformer malfunction"? HARDLY! Peak oil is real.
On the flip side, there's always a flip-side, there are MANY other energy sources and many that are being researched... but the research is a little tardy. Peak oil began in the 1960's. The United States was the top producer of oil back then. We've sucked the oil wells dry here and continue to deplete the rest of the world of fossil fuels. Americans are the largest consumers of fossil fuels. We LOVE our S.U.V.'s. We LOVE our street lights. We LOVE convenience. We are energy WHORES. We sell our future for energy now. Read the analysis of who consumes the most energy by continent and country HERE.
Okay, okay, it sounds like I'm preaching that the "sky is falling". It could be falling if you're not prepared for this looming energy crisis. If you ARE absolutely ready... you have alternative energy sources in place. Hydro-electric. Solar power. Wind power. GeoThermal. Wave power. Read the Blog.
If alternative energy is NOT your thing... can you survive without fossil fuels? Fossil fuels account for 90% of world energy consumption. That means 90% of what you do requires fossil fuels. Don't think so?
- It takes 7 gallons of crude oil to produce one tire
- It takes 42 gallons of crude oil, but only one gallon of used oil, to produce 2 ½ quarts of new, high-quality lubricating oil.
- Synthetic rubber accounts for about 60 percent of the total world-wide consumption of rubber and is derived from oil, whereas the remaining 40 percent is naturally derived from the rubber tree.
- If fuel economy were improved by 5 m.p.g., American consumers would save 1.5 million barrels of oil per day, more than half of what the U.S. imports from the Middle East.
- Worldwide, bicycles outnumber automobiles almost 2 to 1, but of all the trips taken in the U.S. just 2/3 of 1 percent are made by bicycle.
- In 2000, cars guzzled 8.2 million barrels of oil per day, up from 6.9 in 1990. This rise in fuel use corresponded with a 47 percent increase in petroleum imports. The 8.2 million barrels per day of fuel consumed by U.S. automobiles nearly matches the amount of oil produced by Saudi Arabia.
- An incandescent light bulb cost 75 cents or less at the store, but it will typically cost six to 10 times that for electricity over its relatively short (750-hour) life.
- Materials use has grown 18-fold in the United States since 1900. Substances such as aluminum and plastic were virtually unknown at the turn of the century. Since that time, aluminum production has climbed more than 3,000-fold, and synthetic chemicals production has increased 1,000-fold since 1930 in the United States alone.
Recycling 35 percent of our trash conserves enough landfill space to serve the combined cities of Dallas and Detroit 92 times over, saves enough energy to fuel six million homes annually, generates $5.2 billion in raw materials each year, and reduces global warming emissions equivalent to taking 36 million cars off the road. Office of the Federal Environmental Executive, White House Task Force on Recycling, “Recycling for the Future,” June 1999. (City of Fairview Oregon)
These are just small examples of how much we consume. If the source of our food is the grocery store, the domino effect of peak oil on that is RIDICULOUS.
The systems that produce the world's food supply are heavily dependent on fossil fuels. Vast amounts of oil and gas are used as raw materials and energy in the manufacture of fertilisers and pesticides, and as cheap and readily available energy at all stages of food production: from planting, irrigation, feeding and harvesting, through to processing, distribution and packaging. In addition, fossil fuels are essential in the construction and the repair of equipment and infrastructure needed to facilitate this industry, including farm machinery, processing facilities, storage, ships, trucks and roads. The industrial food supply system is one of the biggest consumers of fossil fuels and one of the greatest producers of greenhouse gases. (Why Our Food Is So Dependant On Oil)It really is crazy when you think about it. Declining fossil fuels will effect the population. Believe it or not! Peak oil is real and there is an ENERGY crisis.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Some people can love one another for life
How 'bout us
Some people can hold it together
Last thru all kinda weather
(Performed by Champagne)
Monday 09 April 2001
Aloha?! Well, I feel a little better. I just wrote a five page letter to my husband. Tomorrow makes seven years since we met. He has truly blessed my life. But I have come to realize that true love does not bind one. Set him free. I love him, what can I say? What do I do? In all the world, I can only love him and I will love him for the rest of my life. I promised to do so on January 4th, 1997 and I will love him only. I only wish that he felt the same for me.
My husband amazes me. How much I love him amazes me. God has truly blessed me by sending M into my world. How can we let something as simple as where we live get in the way of this true love.
Thought we'd give breaking up a try
It's clear to me
That I made a big mistake
I tried my best to fall for somebody new
I closed my eyes and there was you
Cause you're a tough act to follow
Memories of you, I just can't let go
(Performed by Starpoint)
I hate thinking of him loving someone else or letting someone else get close to him. Can you believe that? Seven years since we first met. Anyway, I don't like to think of him being with someone else or saying goodbye to me. But if his heart is in New Mexico then how can I ask him to stay with me? Cause no matter, he will never be happy. Where his heart is, therein lies his happiness. And if my love is true then I should only want him to be happy. So follow your heart wherever it will take you.
My baby has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life and I can only love him for that. I love him when he has nothing left to give me. When he's grouchy I love him dearly. When he's happy... that is when I am happiest. No one can love him the way I do. But what if someone can? What if someone else can make him happier? Then, I can only be happy for him and sad for the love I lost. I'm a survivor and I can make it. But the world is easier to travel knowing that someone got my back. Someone knows me inside and out, like a book. That person is M. I miss him already and he hasn't even left me yet.
If he is not happy here, I cannot ask him to stay. Maybe he will be happier in New Mexico. You know what I just thought of? My husband has a lawyer on retainer. If he wanted to divorce me, it would be so quick. I am so sad. I feel like we have a one-in-a-million love affair. I will never love another man this way.
I think about how this love affair started out. Somethin' else. I loved him then. I love him now. We were a good pair from the very beginning. Our endless talks, our secret rendezvous, our private love affair. Everything was so good. Our love is sooo worth preserving. Everything we have is worth every sacrifice even if it means putting our very relationship on the line... I am willing! If it means that we will find it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Maybe it was due to the number of years I had been so numb. The ONLY man to ever break my heart had made me numb from the countless years of neglecting me. That feeling creeps up on me from time to time. It's evident in some of my posts. For the most part, I'm OVER it though. So anyway.....
He made me feel so alive. Regardless of the "whys" (why he made me feel so alive), I had never felt this way before. And if I did, I was NOT recognizing it at all. How had a simple evening out lead to this awakening? It was like there was a dragon asleep inside of me and he had brought it back from eternal slumber.
My life was in such turmoil when "A." came into my world. My mind was telling me that I shouldn't be involved with a man so soon after breaking up with the ex. My mind was telling me that this man was going to break my heart just like the last one did. My mind was telling me that EVERYONE was going to think I was crazy for jumping back into the dating game. But my heart was telling me otherwise. I followed my heart.
Our first date ended at 5am. (We didn't sleep together... I know that's what yall are thinking. **giggles**) "A." had mentioned many times that he wanted to spend the next day with me. I didn't pay any mind to it because I'd believe it when it actually happened. This is where we pick up where we left off.
I made it back to my apartment safe and sound. I was so tired and so in need of sleep. At the same time, I was so excited and feeling so ALIVE. I quickly fell asleep with a HUGE smile on my face. It had to have been only an hour later when my cell phone awoke me. It was this dude, RSW... a friend that wanted MUCH MORE than friendship. I gave him the brush-off and went back to sleep.
I knew I had to get up. It was Easter Sunday 2003 and I wanted to attend services. Before I got ready for church, I called Chele to tell her what's been goin' on with me. Divorce. blah blah blah. Somebody sucked my toes. blah blah blah. RSW wanted more. blah blah blah. The list went on and on. So anyway, I went to church. There was three missed calls on my cell phone. None of them were from A... the one who said he'd like to spend the day with me. **sigh** I was bummed.
So I carried on. I returned the three phone calls. 1st - Ree... my "sister" in St. Louis. 2nd - Work... they had a mini-crisis. Finally... RSW -- apparently he wanted to spend the day with me as well. Since A. hadn't called yet and it was just past noon, I decided to take my butt to RSW's place. I hadn't been there even an hour and my phone started ringing again. Work... mini-crisis solved. Then... the man that was waking every single NERVE in my body, "A.", called.
I did a quick exit. Told RSW that I had to help prepare Easter Dinner for some friends and BOUNCED! What really happened is that A. had called and I needed to be away from RSW to talk to A. LOL... When I finally got into my car, I called A. back.
"I told you I'd like to spend the day with you," he said.I didn't want to seem too EAGER so I played with him for a minute. What our conversation finally whittled down to was that I'd head out to his place.
When I layed eyes on him again, the butterflies fluttered in my belly MORE wildly than the evening before. I was so excited to be near him. As soon as I got there my cell started ringing again. I know folks are wondering why I didn't just turn the durn thing off. LOL... I had to leave it on because my job payed part of my bill. That particular phone conversation had me tied up for like thirty minutes. It was almost RUDE except A. was preparing an early dinner so he didn't really mind.
When he served dinner, we ate. He commented on my dress. He thought I got all dressed up for him when really I just hadn't been home since I left to go to church. LOL. Go figure. I could have let him think I did do it for him BUT... that is just NOT. MY. STYLE. lol... I had to tell him the truth -- "Don't flatter yaself!!!"
We talked on into the evening. He asked me to spend the night and we argued back and forth about it... it was just NOT MY STYLE. Reality -- I was scared. Prior to A., I had been with just my EX for six years. I didn't know what to expect of a man other than the ex. But you know what... I didn't let it stop me. I decided I'd stay the night. And its funny because, we slept in the same bed... but we didn't "sleep" together.
Like in Waiting to Exhale when Bernadine(Angela Bassett) and James(Wesley Snipes) get a hotel room... and they talkin' about how they've never done this before, etc. and the mental note you make in your head is that they're about to knock some serious boots. What actually happens is NOTHING. Nothing happens. The camera pans out and the only thing that has happened is that they fell asleep in each others arms, fully clothed. Kinda sweet isn't it?
Well, that's what happened with myself and A. I wanted to feel him next to me but I didn't want to "consummate". He would need more than some cute dimples and a flawless body to get that done. So we fell asleep in each others arms. He totally respected me. Of course he tried but I didn't let him... and he was very respectful. These first few evenings that we spent together SET ME UP to fall in love. I knew I was consciously going to yearn for this man and there was no turning back. He was VERY respectful of the boundaries I had. That was more precious than anything, to me. And he made me feel like a NEW WOMAN.
We never spent another day apart after that for two ENTIRE months. He awakened me. The only question is, what had he awakened me for?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Movie you watched: ummm.... Hustle and Flow... date night a couple of weeks ago
Movie you bought : Pretty In Pink
Song you listened to: I Want You... Erykah
CD you bought : Stevie Wonders greatest hits
CD you listened to : Erykah Badu, Mama's Gun
Person you've called : Summer
Person that's called you : Summer
TV show you watched : some infomercial on TV lastnight
You have a crush on someone : no... I'm in love with my husband!
You wish you could live somewhere else : sometimes... i'd like to move either to australia or somewhere in the south pacific... real soon
You believe in online dating : i guess. what's the definition?
You want more piercings : i've always wanted my eyebrow pierced... but i don't think it will happen.
You like roller coasters : love 'em
You write in cursive or print : depends on my mood
FOR OR AGAINST...
Long distance relationships : it can work... and it DEFINITELY builds some character
People : huh?
Gay/lesbian relationships : whatever makes them happy... we're all children of God
Ever cried over a boy: yep yep.... but that's sooo HIGH SCHOOL. lol
Ever cried over a girl : sure... all my really good friends... we've shed tears together.
Ever lied to someone : **smirk**
Ever been in a fist fight : dont think i've ever been in one. if i have... it was me breaking it up and telling folks how stupid they are for needing to fight
Shampoo do you use : kandesn... it's organic
Shoes do you wear : flip flops most of the time
Are you scared of : not much scares me... sometimes tasks are overwhelming
of times I have been in love? : twice
of times I have had my heart broken? : once
of hearts I have broken? : just one, i think... maybe two
of times my name has appeared in the paper? : couple of times... i was a track star in high school... had a big ole pic in there as well... also... i wrote to the editor a lot.
of things in my past that I regret? : live and learn... try not to REGRET
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...Pretty : pretty... i dont know about that...
Funny : i do alright
Hot : i sure am... i got the AC on ... ok... that was corny... LOL
Friendly : try to be
Amusing : i can be
Ugly : i can be
Loveable : ohhhhh definitely!
Caring : yep... if you're worth caring for. LOL
Sweet : some of the timeDorky : ahhh.... sure... sometimes
FAVORITE...4 letter word : love
Actor/actress : Today: terence howard... just saw hustle and flow & jasmine guy... i love the showtime series Dead Like Me
Cartoon : all time fave is the Flintstones... but i never see it anymore
Cereal : corn flakes
Chewing gum : winterfresh eclipse
Color(s) : RED
Day of the week : Friday
Least fave day : a day that i'm not doing anythingFlower : yellow plumeria, "magic" hibiscus, red roses
Jelly flavor : grape, strawberry, passion fruit
Jewelry : my black pearl pendant
Summer/Winter : there are things to love in both seasons
Slept in your bed : me and husband
Saw you cry : my dad
Made you cry : husband
Yelled at you : all the kids that are around me from time to time... they harrass me. LOL
Sent you an email: my aunt in Georgia
HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I love you" and meant it? : all the time
Kept a secret from everyone : not from everyone... someone usually knows
Cried during a movie : absolutely
Planned your week based on the TV : oh hell no
Been backstage : sure
Been to New York : yep
Been to California : yep
Hawaii : this is where i am
China : nope... plan to get there one day
Canada : nope... haven't been that far up north
Europe : nope
Asia : nopeSouth America : nope
Africa : nope but i'd love to go
What time is it now? : 735pm, Monday, 22 August 2005
This or That?..
Apples or bananas? : bananas
Blue or red? : red
Walmart or Target? : Target
Spring or Fall? : Fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this? : go to Summer's house to eat chicken and mushroom linguine
Was the last meal you ate? : some hot dogs... yuckky... but the power went out today and couldn't prepare something healthy
Are you bored? : nope
Last noise you heard? : wind in the trees
Last smell you sniffed? : the ocean
Friendship/Love...Do you believe in love at first sight? : ABSOLUTELY
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? : yes... ideally 4... but i'll take whatever my Heavenly Father blesses me with
Most important thing to you in a friendship is : trust and honesty and mutual respect... that's with ANY relationship
Other Info ...
Do you speak any other languages? : yes
Last book you read? : Fit For Life
Thing in your bedroom you like? : LOL... all my reading material on the night stand
Your Nickname(s) : BABY(parents call me this), neeroC (my birth name backwards), neena(spin off of previous nick), 'reen
Initials : CKPW... lol
How old do you act? : 119
Glasses/Contacts : glasses
Braces : nope
Do you have any pets? : yes
You get embarrassed : rarely... but even if i were, you'd never know it. HAHAHA... it takes a whole lot to embarrass me. i have a way of flipping it.
What makes you happy? : my relationships... with God, with my husband, with my family... and any other relationships you can think of
What upsets you? : ignorance
Finish the sentence...
I Love to... be in love and spread that sunshine with everybody
I Miss... my nieces and nephew in michigan
I Am Annoyed by... ignorance! People who perpetuate dysfunctional cycles.
I Want to be... a mother one day. That permeates my thoughts lately.
I Would Never... say never.
I Am Tired of... being tired.
I Will Always... look for new and interesting things to alter my thinking through education... sounds like a mission statement for some kinda college. LOL
Saturday, August 20, 2005
I wish everyone could feel the way I do today. I wish everyone had a love like this. Our journey together was INTENDED... meant to be. That sounds soooo BORROWED, so unoriginal... but that's how I feel... like we were MEANT TO BE. **giggles**
So today, I want the world to know that I love you. I adore you. I praise your mother for bringing you into this world.
Forever and a Day,
Friday, August 19, 2005
Government funded schools STIFLES our creative genius... it teaches US to work for someone else. Think if Bill Gates stayed at MIT... I wouldn't have any of these wonderful microsoft programs to play with.
Education is a wonderful thing... but we MUST balance it with alternative ways of thinking and alternative sources of information. Am I wrong?
Food and Drug administration.... there is nothing similar between food and drugs EXCEPT maybe that America has created an atmosphere where the way we eat will EVENTUALLY require drugs.
I kinda liked the movie Jeepers Creepers 2. Was I the only one?
Do we compromise our morals to have a nice cushie job? We ALL must earn a living, of course... but lets take a look at probably one of the bigger employers in our country --> the government. Do they stand for EVERYTHING we even want to work for? **sigh** COMPROMISE is a mutha.
Did any of you watch Supersize Me? I wish folks would watch it. The guy gained 24 and a half pounds in a month. Cholestorol shot up 65 points. Yuckkkkk. Now, if you go to McDonalds they have a disclaimer up. The crazy thing is... NO ONE reads it. NO ONE cares.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Where are the people that speak my language?
I'm talkin' about a REVOLUTION.
I'm talkin' about not accepting status quo.
I'm talkin' about effecting change.
We've all heard the references of Bush's cabinet to Hitler's rule, right? Here's a sampling of what people are referring to when they compare both regime's. The article in its entirety can be found HERE.
So far, I've seen nothing to eliminate the possibility that Bush is on the same course as Hitler. And I've seen far too many analogies to dismiss the possibility. The propaganda. The lies. The rhetoric. The nationalism. The flag waving. The pretext of 'preventive war'. The flaunting of international law and international standards of justice. The disappearances of 'undesirable' aliens. The threats against protesters. The invasion of a non-threatening sovereign nation. The occupation of a hostile country. The promises of prosperity and security. The spying on ordinary citizens. The incitement to spy on one's neighbors - and report them to the government. The arrogant triumphant pride in military conquest. The honoring of soldiers. The tributes to 'fallen warriors. The diversion of money to the military. The demonization of government appointed 'enemies'. The establishment of 'Homeland Security'. The dehumanization of 'foreigners'. The total lack of interest in the victims of government policy. The incarceration of the poor and mentally ill. The growing prosperity from military ventures. The illusion of 'goodness' and primacy. The new einsatzgrupen forces. Assassination teams. Closed extralegal internment camps. The militarization of domestic police. Media blackout of non-approved issues. Blacklisting of protesters - including the no-fly lists and photographing dissenters at rallies.
There isn't much doubt in my mind - anyone who compares the history of Hitler's rise to power and the progression of recent events in the US cannot avoid the parallels. It's incontrovertible. Is Bush another Hitler? Maybe not, but with each incriminating event, the parallel grows -it certainly cannot be dismissed. There's too much evidence already. Just as Hitler used American tactics to plan and execute his reign, it looks as if Karl Rove is reading Hitler's playbook to plan world domination - and that is the stated intent of both. From the Reichstag fire to the landing at Nuremberg to the motto of "Gott Mit Uns" to the unprovoked invasion and occupation of Iraq to the insistence that peace was the ultimate goal, the line is unbroken and unwavering.
Here's another site that is quite informative regarding Hitler vs. Bush. Click Here!
These articles are alternative news sources. It is just the counterbalance to what you see on CNN and FOXnews spilling out.
Bush and his cabinet are slowly stripping away our civil liberties.... the Patriot Act violates the majority of the American citizens constitutional rights.
When will you rise up to the challenge?
When will you BATTLE those who mean to enslave us?