Monday, July 18, 2011

Unfolding My Feelings

Everything feels so unreal lately. My mother's passing has made things different. I've been trying to get used to a new reality and so has my father and my brothers, my husband and everyone around us. Life hasn't been overly depressing. I'm grateful that everyone around me is coping so well. This makes the process of grieving and mourning one of celebration rather than sadness. I know that is what my mother would want.

My mother has had so many complications with her health and wellness. Her death allows her to move beyond this life and dimension and it's a good thing for her. She is free from the body that kept her so trapped.

Niece #3 is coping well. She's all of 4 years old and is just the most precious 4-year old on the planet. Sis-in-law told her that "mama" went to heaven.

NIECE #3: She went to heaven already? But I didn't get to say bye.

As soon as she said that, she started singing some random song while my brother and sis-in-law were fighting back bittersweet tears. Bitter because mom is gone to heaven but sweet because NIECE #3 put it in the right context. What we're really grieving is that there was no goodbye and we will miss her presence in our life.

My Bishop, in his visits with our family, said, "Your mom is not gone. She is here, in you."

When people used to say that I am just liker her I thought it was such a terrible thing. I did not want to be like my mom. She was too forward, too honest, too controlling. At the same time though, she had the biggest heart. She took in everyone's children. She helped anyone that needed help. She volunteered to help with anything and everything even with her failing health. She was the definition of charity. As I review my life with my mother, I am so grateful to have had her in my life and to even be compared to her in some small way. And all the things that I did not like about her are actually the qualities I appreciate the most in other people. Isn't that funny? I prefer brute honesty over fake-ness and my mother was always good for a dose of straight-up HONESTY. :-D Makes me smile just thinking of all the many times she's checked me and anybody else that needed to be checked!

The coming months may find me blogging often about her as a way of unfolding my feelings. It makes me feel closer to her.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Do I Have To Be Sad?

A couple days ago my sis-in-law was trying to see how her oldest daughter was coping with my mother's passing. Sis-in-law was curious because there weren't any bouts of sadness or sobbing. My nieces and nephews call her "mama".

This is their conversation....

Sis-in-law: Are you okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?

Niece 1: I'm okay (shrugs)

Sis-in-law: Are you sure? How do you feel about mama's passing?

Niece 1: Well, do I have to be sad?

Sis-in-law: No. You don't have to be sad. You feel however you want to feel.

Niece 1: I'm going to miss her but I'm not sad because I know she's okay. And... I know I'm going to see her again.

And just like that, the conversation is over and there is no question that my 12-year old niece understands what is going on. I will follow her example and trust in the sure knowledge that I will see my mother again. I choose happiness and celebration!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Slowing Down

It was such a gorgeous morning. I cannot be anything but grateful for the abundance of life in the universe.

My mother passed on June 30th.

In the time that has followed her passing, I have "slowed down" quite a bit. Not a depressed kind of slow down but more of a slow down realization of what is truly important in my life.

Today, I placed myself in nature. As I sat on the beach at Pounders listening to the ocean crash against the shore and the wind whipping past me, I remembered how small I am in relation to the wide universe. Feelings of gratitude came over me. Gratitude for the life of my mother and everything she was able to instill in me. Gratitude for a full life, for my health and strength, for my husband and wonderful family. I am so grateful for this beautiful earth.

After I left the shore, I made my way to the Ma'akua trail behind where I live. The different birds singing and chirping is such a beautiful sound. That I'm here, able to take in the Creator's bounty with all six senses, is humbling.

Thank you for today, for right here and now.