Thursday, February 16, 2017

Sending Love in the Face of Goodbye

My ex-husband was my favorite subject for photographing. I loved taking his picture. In our travels, he always looked so international and I loved that about him and about us. I once thought that there was no one in this whole entire world that I would rather trot the globe with. He is thoroughly as unafraid of foreign destinations as I am. In our adventures together, I have photographed him in beautiful settings. Urban. Cultural. Scenic. I will miss that since we no longer have any association.

I will miss how mobile he and I were. His health and fitness and mine made us ideal companions. We used to take long hikes, vigorous hikes, all in the name of health and wellness. We traveled all over the world together and I thought, for sure, that this journey would last a lifetime. God knows I miss him but I will never let him see me cry again. One day he might regret walking away from US or he might not. Either way, I am okay with how things are turning out because all I have to worry about is ME and only ME now.

One day, when I'm not so sad from our break up, I will be able to look back at us with fondness. For the most part, I do appreciate the time we have shared. I appreciate the good times we've had together. I will always remember the fiery passion we had in the beginning. Flames were so hot that it had me marrying him just seven months after meeting him and we lasted thirteen years. We have done so many different things together. We've shared experiences together that I will probably never share with another. His strength, his concern for me (when we were happy), his handsome face and beautiful body is imprinted on my memory. 

I will miss his family. I felt so connected to them the minute I met them. When my ex was deployed to Iraq, I would visit my in-laws without him. I would drive down to Alabama and spend time there. My ex mother-in-law would call me and check on me all the time. I have met his extended family also and already miss them so much. From Oklahoma to Alabama, I know them all. I always looked forward to visiting my in-laws in Alabama. I always feel so spoiled when I'm out there. I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I could lock myself in the room and watch T.V. all day or write. I will miss my father-in-law's cooking. He knew what my favorite dishes were and would always fix it for me. Low Country Boil was ALWAYS on the menu. Of course I would have to bake while I was there. Sometimes I'd make my father's famous bean soup for them. They loved that. **heavy sigh**

Tomorrow, we take care of one of the last pieces of business between us. We sign closing documents on the sale of our house. When he called me to confirm the appointment, I started to tear up after we hung up the phone. And then the flow of tears came gushing as I remembered our life together. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life and when he was happy, it was so magical to see him laughing and joking. We will always have this special time in our lives to look back on. Though I look forward with excitement at the road ahead of me, a part of me will always think back on what could have been between us.

I don't have a relationship to run to. I don't want to run into a new relationship. What I want is to discover me again; to be the girl that I was before this marriage. I love the freedom I have experienced since me and the ex split. I feel so free and so mobile. I have traveled more in the last five months than I have throughout our marriage and I love that. I have always wanted to feel this free - free to do whatever my heart desires. I want to date and have fun and not be so concerned about any particular significant other. I have been in relationships since I was 18 years old. I met my ex-ex-husband when I was 18. From day one that we met, it quickly blossomed into love. It was very apparent that it was going that route. And I waited for him. Waited three years til he was ready to marry me. After six years of marriage, he called it quits and I jump into the marriage that just ended. So I think I'm done, for now, with serious relationships. I just want to be free.

As I get ready to work up the nerve to see my ex-husband tomorrow, I think of how much I have grown in the past couple of months. I hope that he has grown as well. I send him love and light and all the happiness that one can hold to sustain him through life's meandering roads.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Anonymous Love Letter: I Have Nothing Edition

Dear Love,

I find myself in a daze, fully feeling the void in the wake of our split. I can't really call it a split. It's more like my decision to walk forward and do "the right thing," whatever that means. Why does "the right thing" feel wrong? There is nothing ugly about what we are even under the current circumstances. We are so beautiful together, so in sync, and so much a fabric of each other's DNA. How could our connection be ugly or wrong? When people are in our presence, I am sure they can feel the electric and the love energy that surrounds us.

I miss you with such intensity. I try to think of other things and even attempted "seeing" someone but none of it even feels right or anything remotely similar to what we have always shared. I crave your voice and to hear you tell me that you love me. Surely you know that my love for you will never end. I see your face in every ray of sunshine and in the stars in the heavens. I hear your voice on the wind and feel your gentle hands on my face.

I want to throw all of the rules out the window and run away with you today. I want to pick up the phone and call you and listen to you tell me that you love me and that you miss me. I feel the same. My heart knows with certainty that you have been my one true love through every lifetime before and I know that even in the next lifetime, we will find each other again. I pray that we don't have to wait that long and that our paths will cross again soon.

If you're reading this, listen to whatever is in your heart at this very moment and do it. I will be waiting. Always remember us.



Saturday, January 28, 2017

A New Year, Maybe A New Me

Happy Chinese New Year!

There is so much to be grateful for in my life.

As I move forward, one step at a time, I find that I am outgrowing my current job. I have a strong desire to move through all of the monotony of my old life. My most recent trip to Texas really opened me up to the possibility of moving and living there. Granted, I would need quick access to Hawai'i because I can only go so long before I need the ocean. Dallas is the hub for American Airlines so if I could get a job there then I think it would be a no-brainer for me to make my way to Dallas. I just need a fresh start away from here, away from my ex-husband. He has not left the island so the odds of running into him here are pretty high. I would just die if I ran into him with another woman.

He is so beautiful to me but I understand that he does not feel that way about me and I will be okay with that. It does not devalue who I am. I know what I bring to the table and I know how powerful my life is. What I miss so much is his presence in my day to day. Even though our split has been such a free-ing experience, I miss the routine of every day. Funny how just a year ago, the routine is what was making me so unhappy.

I love being in love. I love pouring my time and affection into a relationship. I don't have that right now, though I would not be opposed to it, so I am constantly working on using that time to write. It does not mean that I do not have any interested parties vying for my affection but I am just tired of waiting. I want something in real time. Right now. Someone to go to the movies with, to take me to the nail shop, to go dancing with, dinner, and all the fun things that can happen in real time. The truth is that I know I'm not ready for real-time love. My mind, my heart, my soul is just not ready to pull anyone else into my drama. In the meantime, though, I will enjoy the attention as I heal my heart.

Friday, January 13, 2017

She is Back... with a Vengeance

These past couple of months have been a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot contain the myriad of feelings I have experienced.


And now, I am adding EXCITEMENT. 

I think I am finally coming from beneath the grey skies of the break-up with my ex. Fo real, fo real. I am not just saying that like I did in previous posts. I really mean it. We really are done and because I have come to that realization, I think everything will be alright. I am not going to be bitter because if he wants to walk away from me, I respect that. It is not a judgement on my ability to be a good person. In fact, I respect that he had the courage to follow his most genuine desire and move in the direction of where he sees his life going even if it meant breaking up our marriage. Of course, it could have also gone the other way where he actually put in the work to make US work again but I will not mourn that anymore. My life is too fabulous now for me to even consider what NOT breaking up would have looked like.

I have such a clear path ahead of me and it invigorates me, it frees me, it gives me brand new eyes to see that there are an infinite number of possibilities. This is not to minimize what I had with my ex but I felt like a dog on a leash. I had/have so many dreams and ambitions that I have for myself (for us) and I just felt like he would yank it when my ideas were a little too risky. Since we have parted ways, I feel a new sense of EXCITEMENT and that little girl I was - the one that could do ANYTHING, the one with IMAGINATION and CREATIVE PASSION - she is back with a vengeance. I rise and flourish in spite of the heartache and turmoil that I am experiencing.

Other things have also synced in my life that has filled my heart with hope, EXCITEMENT, and new found joy. And I wonder how I ever did without it for so long. Sometimes it be like that.

2017 will be the best year yet. I am strong. I am powerful. I am ready!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Anonymous Love Letter : More & More Edition

Dear Love,

I am consumed by thoughts of you. It has always been that way. I cannot say when or why you touched me in this way but you have. The time we have spent together will always be cherished and treasured. They are little gems in the fabric of my life that I will take with me into the next lifetime where I will search for you again.

This longing inside me makes me sad instead of happy only because I know that it is not me that you go home to at the end of the day. I cannot risk my heart for something I have no right to claim and what I know today is that my heart is so raw and broken. It's not your job to put it back together. That's my job and so the decision to "close the door" was made.

In my mind it makes perfect sense. "Close the door" so I can mend my broken heart while you figure out what you want to do. I don't know what you want to do. If you love her then love her and let's seal this door shut until the next lifetime. Because right now, what I want is MORE and MORE of you and I cannot have it. When I'm feeling especially low, I think about you and want to talk to you and hear your voice and feel the comfort of your words but I do not have access to you. And that fueled the logic behind "closing the door."

What I wish I could tell you is that I want us to run away and lock ourselves in our bubble and make love endlessly and fan the red hot flame between us. Let the world around us fade away until there is just you and me. Yet I know this can never be and we will have to be content to meet in our dreams. But today and always I send you love vibrations so sincere and so intense that it could light the world. Remember me.



Monday, January 09, 2017

Anonymous Love Letter : Ridiculous Edition

Dear Love,

Today we closed a door.

It frees you to be the man you always wanted to be for her. She is so blessed to have your heart the way she does. Though we made a mistake by opening a pandora's box with whatever we have done, in the end, your decision to recommit to her is admirable and so precious. I don't know why we complicate our lives with distractions from things that really matter.

Here and now, we say goodbye. Though I feel my heart breaking all over again, I knew that this thing we had had an expiration date. I look ahead to whatever is on the horizon for me. My unwritten future is wide open and I welcome all of God's abundance into my life. I open my heart again to chase forever, alone.

My wish for you is that you will find happiness and joy;
that you will rededicate yourself to loving her the way she deserves to be loved;
that you will put in the time, your heart, your soul into making love last forever.

I smile as I think of how fortunate she is to have a man that recognizes his error and chooses to recommit. It is a beautiful thing to witness.

So today and forever, know that I have always seen through your facade and into your beautiful soul. I have always seen you as a beautiful expression of God's genius. I will carry the memory of us all the days of my life. Live well and take care of yourself.



Monday, December 26, 2016

Texas Sky Obsession

I arrived in Dallas today.

As my friend and I were driving around Euless and Arlington, I noticed how big the sky is here. The beauty of the setting sun behind the clouds, its rays extending out was such a sight to behold. I am grateful to be here to observe God's creations. I am absolutely obsessed with the sky here.

The last time I was here with my sister-friend, at the same time, was back in 1995. I spent a weekend with her and we partied like rockstars. Granted I was only 19 at the time and unable to go to the bars, we still had a great time. My drink of choice was Zima. It was a clear malt liquor that kind of tasted like alka setzer. I was just learning what kind of alcohol I liked. At the time, I had no desire to drink beer. It tasted nasty so when I sampled Zima on a vacation to Los Angeles in the summer of 1993, it became my drink of choice. Not that I am very fond of alka-seltzer but it was better than beer. I had not even sampled hard liquor yet.

So here we are back in Texas, nearly 22 years later. We are grown now and have no desire to be in the bar except on special occasions. We rather sit in a restaurant and sip hot tea or coffee and chat it up, eat, and relax. My life is so different today than it was 22 years ago, as it should be. The one constant is our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be in a marriage and I think one has to do that to make the relationship work. My friendship with my sister-friend is one of the things that suffered because I had to put my marriage first. And I think I did right, for the sake of my marriage, but I surely missed being with my friends. I am just grateful that they are still here for me.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas 2016 Ramblings

The Christmas holiday has me feeling some kind of way so I called my cousin to book me on a flight to Texas via Los Angeles.

I am feeling restless. Looking for something, anything, to distract me from the pain of a broken relationship. Though I agree with the split now, my natural instinct would have been to tough it out and reconnect instead of throwing the relationship away. I don't know how to give up and yet at the same time, I will not wait any longer.

My life is so full and complete even without a relationship. I savor the time I get to spend with people I love instead of running off to my (ex)husband to maintain that relationship. Maybe I stopped putting him first. Perhaps that is his perception of what happened to us and why he was seeking attention outside the home. I can't call it. What I know about me is that I deserve a relationship that is fulfilling in every way -- mind, body, spirit, emotional. My first marriage was body and mind. This marriage that I just came out of was strictly emotional. The next man I let in will have to nurture me in all areas. I will not accept anything less. I deserve that!

As I sit here at the Los Angeles airport, I think of how exciting it is to have my future seemingly unwritten. There is no routine to tomorrow and that makes me happy. I looked at joining the Peace Corps just to attempt to get the tuition waiver for my service. They have locations all across the world from Fiji to Africa to everything in between. It seems so appealing and something I would really like to do. I could possibly make a life of it and re-upping every year. What I found they are looking for are people to teach English. I can do that! I also applied to Delta as a Flight Attendant. I could really dig that job. It makes pretty good money and is a non-traditional work schedule that doesn't lock me in to the M-F, 9-5 matrix. And both positions will give me more time and material to write about!

What I know for sure is that I am ready for 2017. I am ready to move forward and from beneath the grey skies. I am ready to feel the sun upon my face again and feel true joy and happiness, untethered. I thank one particular, precious soul for igniting a fire inside me again. One day, when the time is right, we will both know love again. Full and complete.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Runaway Holiday, Take Four

I am excited again as I prepare to fly out on another get-away. I am so grateful for all my friends all over the country that keep me busy and keep me looking forward to new experiences. This is my fourth trip in two months. I recount the other trips in a previous post, Endings Mean Beginnings. These trips have been so much more than just visiting a new place. I have renewed and restored broken friendships and have reignited the fire that was dying inside of me. I can't blame my ex-husband for that. For whatever reason, we were just meant for a season of our lives. I absolutely adore him or at least who he was before he realized he was unhappy with how his life was turning out. We had such good times. I cherish them and will remember them for a long time to come. All of our trips to San Francisco and other exotic destinations. Heck, we live in an exotic locale. But I have made peace in my heart and respect his choice. It is all I can do to deal with the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. I move forward. One step at a time.

I miss how he was so protective of me when he loved me. Every woman wants to feel protected. When he and I went to that Jeffrey Osborne concert that I blogged about recently, we ended up at Rumours night club to finish off the night. It was back in July. I had been looking forward to that concert for months. Even though things were already strange between my ex and I, I thought the concert would be good for us. There was some African guy that was actin' stupid and my husband went and mushed him in the face. I remember thinking how grateful I was that my husband was strong and unafraid of anyone. I also thought he was incredibly stupid for picking a fight over nonsense. We ended up leaving before we got kicked out. 

On another note, while we're at Rumours there was a woman there who kept coming near us and dancing around us. I felt her energy and I looked right at my husband and said, "Do you know her?" He didn't even answer me. 'Til this day, I'm convinced she was one of the reasons I just wasn't enough for him anymore. It could be just my imagination but I have a pretty good sense of intuition and I trust my gut. He will probably never admit to it but I don't need him to. I know who he was before we married and I know he was craving to be that single guy again.

Anyway, Christmas Day will find me on a flight to DFW to visit one of my dearest friends. The last time I visited her in Texas was back in 1995. I was living in Clovis, New Mexico with my boyfriend at the time (he turned out to be my first love slash first husband). Fusi and I have seen each other over the years but the last time we were in Texas together was way back in '95. I am looking forward to doing it up and ringing in 2017 with her, God-willing. 

She is the definition of fun... just like my dear and departed Michele. I feel so blessed to have known Michele and to still have Fusi in my life. When I think of really fun times where I laugh and laugh til I can't laugh anymore - it is these two individuals who come to mind. And yet, at the same time, we have had tender moments also where everything wasn't all laughs and giggles. But for the most part, some of the funnest times I've had has been with one of them or both of them. So I look forward to Texas and the new experiences that are on their way. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Original Poem: Rife With Energy

Wishing ever so clearly for something that is not mine

Through time and space
I have longed for love as light as a gentle summer breeze
A love that feels like an extension of me
Not forceful

A love so heavy that the world can't carry it

A love that feels like a slow burning fire

A love that feels like an electrical storm
Rife with energy so thick that it pulls in everything around it

Two atoms revolving around each other and through each other
If not in this lifetime, maybe in the next;
I would know you in any form.