Friday, December 02, 2016

...When One Is Born From the Last...

The way it was told to me goes like this:
Quick Review - King Drac saves the kingdom but wifey dies, but she gives him all her blood to save their son. She tells him she will see him in her next life. 800 years later they run into each other and she is drawn to him and he to her.
With that great review, I had to make some time to watch Dracula Untold. I was not expecting a love story at all but it was indeed a love story mixed with great action scenes and computer graphics. 

There was one particular scene that made me tear up. Prince Vlad is experiencing angst over his decision to be a vampire to save his people and defeat the Turks. He must send his wife away to the monks while he remains behind to finish the Turks. His beautiful wife tells him, remember our vows?
Why think separately of 
this life and the next
when one is born 
from the last
The words of the poem - so easy and beautiful. A google search reveals that that poem is a verse in Love and Death by Rumi. Prince Vlad and his wife embrace, they kiss as they part ways. Prince Vlad heading into battle to single-handedly defeat the Turk army with his supernatural, vampiric powers. His Princess leaving with their child to flee from the chaos. Their passion for each other was so real on the screen. I felt like I was peeking in on a private moment between a real couple rather than two actors. There was a sense of urgency that was almost tangible.

My niece recently played the starring role in her school's rendition of AIDA. I was so moved by her performance. I am so proud of how talented and smart my nieces and nephews are and that's not a biased opinion. They really are so smart and so respectful and so talented. I am so grateful that they have such good parents to guide them on this life journey.

The short story line behind AIDA is kind of similar to how Dracula Untold was explained to me -- it's about a romance that spans several lifetimes. Aida is enslaved by an Egyptian general. He gives Aida as a gift to his fiancee, the Pharoah's daughter. However, the attraction between the general and Aida grows and they become lovers right under the nose of the Pharoah's daughter. When their love affair is discovered, the Pharoah's daughter sentences them to death and the mercy she gives them is that they may be entombed together. The closing scene shows the general and Aida being entombed. Immediately after, the same two characters that played Aida and the general appear on stage in different clothing, from a different era, looking at the tomb of the two lovers. They look at each other as if there is something familiar between them and thus another love affair, in another lifetime begins again.

This brings me back to the significance of the poem:
Why think separately of this life and the next when one is born from the last?
I want to think that the relationships I have here and in this world were born from the last... not just the romantic ones but all of the friendships and familial ties! I think of a particular instance when my #3 niece was just learning to talk. She was probably two or three and we were having this very intense discussion about something. I can't recall. She turned to me and said, "Remember Aunty? It happened when I was bigger than you." Without skipping a beat, I asked her what we looked like and she went on and on about it and then suddenly stopped and changed the subject. I could not get her back to revisiting the lifetime when she was bigger than me. Since that moment, this niece of mine has a special place in my heart because of her remembrance of our lifetime before.

With the demise of both of my marriages, I feel like maybe there might be something wrong with me. That somehow, the way I deal with things in a relationship is not conducive to fostering longevity. So if I did indeed know both of my husbands from a previous lifetime and we repeat these same relationships then I suppose I am not learning a thing. There is something I am doing that causes the failure of the relationship even though I have a great desire to be loved and to give love completely and through all generations of time. I love to be in love. I want these love affairs to move in sync from lifetime to lifetime.

I am reminded of Erykah Badu's song, Next Lifetime. She talks about how she's in a relationship, maybe a marriage, but felt a strong attraction to another man. She is resigned to the fact that nothing can come of their mutual attraction to each other. Instead, she tells him that she'll see him NEXT LIFETIME. I can say, emphatically, that I have never allowed myself to be attracted to another man while I was married. I pride myself on my stubborn loyalty to both men that I was married to. When I say "I Do," I really mean it. I may not be the best girlfriend but I am a damn loyal wife.

Now that my world has opened up again, I am allowing myself to feel attraction again. I am opening up my energy field to the men around me. While I was married, I closed that part of me off to anyone. My love energy was not available to anyone but my husband. I'm sad that he allowed himself to be attracted to other women and rather be single and free. I have been thinking of him so often in the past couple of days. I hope he is well. I hope he is happy. I've always wanted that for him even if it's without me. I wish him happiness and joy. Though I miss him so much, it's more because I just spent the last thirteen years sharing the same space with him. The man he has become in the last year is definitely not the one that I married so he can continue on in his evolution / devolution. One day, maybe in my/our next lifetime, we will get it right and we both can heal the parts of us that are hurting. I suppose the same could be said of the other man I loved so completely (my first husband). **heavy sigh**

#iStillBelieveInLove




Monday, November 28, 2016

Endings Mean Beginnings

December 7th can't come quick enough. I am going on another trip off the island and I.AM.SO.EXCITED. The thing about endings is that it also means new beginnings. I took two weeks to mourn the break-up with my ex-husband. I am amazed at how quickly I am bouncing back. He held my heart for thirteen years and was a wonderful husband if we exclude the current year. I will cherish the good memories and who knows what tomorrow will bring? At this point, I am still upset about the break-up because it is not what I would have chosen but I hold no ill-will towards him. I wish him the best on his journey. I suppose I'm angry because the break-up means CHANGE. And change is always hard. I am not minimizing how much I love/loved him but he has obviously moved on and so must I. I cannot go back in time, to that place where we first started drifting apart. All I can do is move forward, place one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I worry about him from time to time but our last conversation was not very nice. We both have very little patience for each other. I am just ready for it to all be over. The only thing keeping us semi-connected is our joint debt. Mortgage, credit card, and line of credit. As soon as our house is sold, I can move forward in wonderful freedom!

This December 7th trip will be the third trip in a matter of weeks. The two before this were quite magical. The first trip was kind of a ghost mission - very incognito and secret. Very few people know where I disappeared to that second week in October. I really needed to get off the rock and distance myself from the man that was stomping all over my heart. It will forever remain a special weekend, one that I will cherish til I am old and gray. I feel like I came alive that weekend and could feel my heart putting itself back together. I felt like I had really stepped away from the darkness of heartache and into the light of true love. The end of one relationship has initiated a new beginning as I remember to take care of "just me" and not worry about being a good wife or a good woman for someone else.

Two weeks after the "ghost trip," I found myself once again on a plane. This time I was headed to Maryland. My sweet cousin (she and I pictured together) thought it fitting to buy my airfare so I could get some head space far away from the tragedy happening in my life. I had not known when I left Hawai'i but the day I flew out is the day that the divorce was ordered by the judge. When I returned from Maryland, I received the final decree of divorce on what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. Go figure. One last "stick-it-to-me" from the old ex. I will be just fine. From time to time, he will pop up in my mind and I feel a tinge of sadness that we are not in regular contact but for the most part, I am so ready to let it all go. Anyway -- Maryland, just like the "ghost trip", was magical. The highlight of the trip was my special date to see Maxwell and Mary J. Blige. I had so much fun with my friends and my cousins and my special date that there is really nothing to mourn anymore. The freedom I have gained is staggering. I am amazed and excited to see where life may take me. Whether I am steeling myself for another broken heart or maybe brand new love, only time will tell. This Maryland trip will stay with me for all my days. The magic that happened is irreplaceable and will never, ever be duplicated.

The newness of things happening in my life has an old, familiar feel that is so deep and so difficult to express. I am grateful for the magic of new beginnings. I am grateful for the direction in my life that illuminates a clear path with a clear rising star that guides me on this journey.

December 7th cannot come fast enough. Every day I thank my lucky stars for the person I see in the mirror. I am grateful that I have a fabulous inner circle that constantly encourages me to be the best me. They are amazed at how I am taking this all in stride. As much as I loved my ex, I love myself more, and I have to put me above anything and everything. This is it! This is my life! Though a great love affair ended, a new one is beginning and it's where I FINALLY "do me."

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Gestures, Being Alone, & Goodbye

I was seated on a flight, on my way back to Honolulu via Minneapolis via Los Angeles. Next to me was a couple who looked about my age. The wife is not feeling well. Her husband reaches over and rubs her back. The gesture is so simple and so thoughtful and has me wondering when my ex-husband stopped feeling that way about me. It would be easier for me to transition to single life if I would just stop imagining and making up stories in my head. I have a difficult time with that right now. My broken heart is still so fresh.

I don't like to think that I am defined by my relationship but as I review the last 13 years, I have done just that. What I really need is to be alone and not jump into another relationship so quickly. I need to "do me" for a minute before I let anyone back into my world. And yet I love to be in love. I love the feeling of butterflies in my belly.

Whoever "she" is, I hope she's good to him because he walked away from 13 years of marriage for a few weeks of flirting. I get it. It's exciting to have someone pique your interest. When guys would approach or flirt with me, I never acted on any of it but unfortunately he is. No one could ever doubt my loyalty. Sometimes, in a relationship, people have to push through the times when it's difficult to even like each other. This past year, he and I were both unhappy. He told me that he didn't want to waste anymore time or realize twenty years from now that he was unhappy the entire time.

My heart is so broken that he would treat me with such little regard after all that we have been through. He will never, ever have the opportunity to be with me again. Never. All the overly-romanticized sentiments of new heartache and professions of loving him forever are misplaced affection and I am done. Goodbye.

Today, I choose to care for my own heart and stop worrying about being a good wife or good woman. The best woman I can be is the one that lives my most empowered life. When he witnesses the magnitude of my life and the strength and power of my words, he will realize how small he is in comparison. And we both will understand why we could NEVER BE. Why his light could not match mine. Why the smallness of his mind could not realize how open my mind is to the wide expanse of the universe. My life is powerful and will fill the world with beautiful stories and emotions from words on a page and he will move forward as he always has... short-sighted vision.

My star is rising.
And I will walk this path all by myself.
Alone.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Happy Almost-13th-Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I can't say why he would throw it all away. All I can do is move forward with my life.

In the days immediately following him telling me he wanted a divorce, I told him that I would love him forever. He emphatically stated, with much confidence, that WE will never be again; that HE will never see me in that light. He said that he would still like to be friends and that he would always look out for me. It seems a sweet thing to say except that he had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it so it was more heartbreaking than it was sweet.

Even though I said those words to him, that I would love him romantically forever, I have to move forward. I cannot wait for him. I will not wait for him to come back to me because that is an unknown factor that I refuse to waste any time on. Whatever he's going through, he has made it clear that I am not his confidant to help him through it. His desire to be single and free is above anything that we ever had together. It makes me sad but that does not devalue who I am. I have to be okay with that. I have to take him at face value and believe him when he says he will never love me romantically again.

So today, I let go of the idea of us and I open myself up to the adventures ahead. I love to be in love. I love the feeling of being truly, madly, deeply in love with someone and that that someone can mirror my intensity. It's funny how the world works and how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Though I choose not to marry any time soon, I know that I will love again. And this next time might be the right time. And that new love will grow and grow. And that my heart and my body, and my mind, and my soul will be cherished and never taken for granted.

Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring whether I will walk through life alone all my days or that I will find a mate. All I know is that my heart has let go of what could be with my ex and I am now embracing every tomorrow, moment by moment. I will look for the magic and the bliss that comes with falling in love. And I will look for that truly, madly, deeply feeling. Everyone deserves happiness including my ex and I wish him well on his journey. I harbor no ill feelings toward him and I take full responsibility for the part I played in the demise of our relationship.

Happy almost-13th-wedding anniversary to you, ex-husband. You are still so beautiful to me but you have chosen your path and I only wish you well. Step In The Name of Love!

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Finally... MAXWELL in Concert

I attended a Maxwell & Mary J. Blige concert this past Saturday. I spoke of it in a previous post and how seeing Maxwell has been on my bucket list for the last twenty years. Now, I can officially check this off the list. It was everything and more than I expected to experience. Our seats were, seriously, the BEST seats in the house! We were right in front of the part of the stage that extended into the audience. My date was into Mary J. Blige and I was there for Maxwell.

We arrived at the venue at about 6:15 p.m. and secured parking right across the street. I felt beautiful in a cute denim mini dress, thigh high stocking, and brown boots with gold accessories. I can't lie, my date made me feel so beautiful, so desired, and cared for with his deliberate attentiveness to me and my needs. He wore black slacks, a khaki colored button-down, accented with a rose-toned Invicta watch. We looked sharp together.

We entered the concert without any problems. We had to pass through security, a metal detector, and a gentle pat down. We had no problems with our QR tickets on my mobile phone. As we made our way to the floor, I could not contain the butterflies in my belly. I was nervous because of my obsession with Maxwell. The anticipation of 20 years of listening to his music and wanting to see him perform live was just minutes away from becoming a reality. As a teenager, I remember having a similar obsession with Johnny Gill.

Mary J. Blige did her thing.... the girl power I felt from her gave me chills. Right when her set began, a couple walked up to me and said I was in their seats. My date was getting drinks so was not able to deal with the situation. The young man and his date went and got an usher to attempt to remove me from my seat. He showed me his tickets and my name was all over it. I told the usher that my name was on his tickets. He had purchased his tickets from StubHub and I had purchased mine from Ticketmaster. The usher said that we had to go to the ticket office to resolve the issue. When I got to the ticket office, the woman said that Ticketmaster was the approved vendor so I was the rightful owner of the tickets. I was upset because that incident made me lose about twenty minutes of Mary J. I want to say that she did a 90 minute to two-hour set. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it thoroughly and appreciated the selection of our seats. We really did have the best seats in the house. There was lots of room to dance and access to the aisle was easy because we were at the end of the row. My date joked that we were so close that he could see Mary J's nipples. Random! We had a good laugh about it. Mary J. looks fantastic. It has to be hard to live in the public eye and to go through a break-up and have the world criticize her life. She has great stage presence and sounded great.

From what I was able to catch of Mary J. I would have to say my favorite part of her show was her NO MORE DRAMA montage. The large screen displayed all the headlines of her break up with her manager and husband. I love that she confronted the issue head-on. It only endears her fans to her. I also loved when she did I CAN LOVE YOU. The song was/is relevant to me. I sang and danced and did things on this date, during this song that I'm sure was quite a show for those around us. That's probably another post though. There was a brief intermission after Mary J. while the stage crew set up for Maxwell.

My phone was nearly out of battery by the time Maxwell made it to the stage. I had to be selective on what songs I filmed and what pictures I took. Maxwell took my breath away. His well-fitted suit was so sharp and classic. I dream of going on a date with a man dressed in a suit. There were several men in the audience that were dressed in suits with their dates. It was a beautiful thing to see. It makes the occasion extra special.

Maxwell is an excellent performer! His voice so smoothe and so very beautiful. I loved everything about his performance. I saved what little battery I had left to film THIS WOMAN'S WORK. I posted the video at the end of this entry. I apologize for my horrible singing and for my gushing affection, "I love you Maxwell!!!"

Part of my obsession with Maxwell is because of the memories it brings up. At the time his first CD was released, Urban Hang Suite, I was in love with the man who would become my first husband. My obvious favorite track from that CD was Whenever, Wherever, Whatever. It is the most beautiful love song. The simple string instruments coupled with his soul-stirring, masculine voice is dreamy and the lyrics of the song captured how I felt at that moment in my life. Just tonight, I pulled out the love letters I wrote to the man who became my first husband and was reminded of how much I loved that man. He was my first love; the man who received my heart with wild and complete abandon. My discovery of Maxwell happened on the heels of him asking my father for my hand in marriage. We were engaged on Valentines Day 1996 and married in January 1997. It seems that Maxwell's music was the theme for the beginning of our marriage.

My date took several photos of me in front of the stage. I am grateful he was willing. I have a sneaky suspicion that he knows the significance of Maxwell to me. I am glad we were able to be in the same time and space to experience this.

After the concert, we left without incident. We went over to the parking garage. I was singing all the way. I was so euphoric and filled with happiness for having seen Maxwell perform live. I am so grateful for my life and for the freedom I feel today. I love you Maxwell!!


Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Maryland Adventures: Part I

I arrived in Maryland on Saturday, October 29th. It has been non-stop adventure with my BestFRIENDforever, BooBoo. This is the first time I am visiting this place and it is definitely not my last. My cousin Marie sent for me. I call it a divorce party gift. I really needed to get off the island and reconnect with ME. Since being out here, I have been feeling like the island is too small for me and my ex. If he wants to stay there, I can't be there. I can't run into him with another woman. That would just break my heart all over again. He, obviously, is not having a problem moving on and I need to move in a direction away from him. Detox from his brand of love.

The first night I arrived, I accompanied BooBoo and her husband to a family Masquerade Party. It was so much fun. The music was great and the feel-good atmosphere was great. Even with the heaviness of the hurt I feel, I managed to smile and enjoy myself. BooBoo and I had similar dresses on. She picked my mask for me and my outfit so when I arrived, it was a done deal. All I needed to do is show up and get dressed. I felt beautiful, which is crazy considering the emotions I have been feeling since getting divorced. The amount of rejection I feel since he said he wanted a divorce is overwhelming. Often, I question what I look like and if I'm really the good woman I think I am. I look in the mirror and wonder what it is about me that repulses him now, when he used to love me so deeply.


Something I have enjoyed looking at in Baltimore are the buildings. After the masquerade, we drove around the city - Fells Point and the Inner Harbor Area. It's a fun city. We didn't get out of the car, which I'm glad about because the heels I was rockin' was killing me. So we cruised through the city and I snapped shots of the buildings I was especially mesmerized by. They have row houses here that are so great to look at. Though I don't know the history of Baltimore yet, the buildings look like they're from another time. I love the lines and the different dimensions of the windows, the paned glass, the moulding, and all the trim indicating another era.

Sunday - I accompanied Booboo and Skeet to his mother's home for Sunday dinner. It was nice. The hospitality of Skeet's family reminds me of my own. His mother put a meal down that was so delicious and I am grateful. Crab cakes. Battered shrimp. Glazed chicken wings. Mac and cheese. Cabbage. It was delicious. We ended the night playing Texas Hold Em. I lost $15 but it was all fun and games.
Monday/ Halloween - Booboo, Tyrel, and I went to lunch. I am so proud of the young man Tyrel has become. He is responsible, keeps a steady job, and takes care of himself. He will be 20 this year. Time has flown by so quickly. We ended the evening taking Kaimani, Booboo's 2nd son, trick-or-treating. For all the walking we did, I was surprised by how little candy he received. I mean his bucket was not even full. He was dressed as a pirate and was the cutest pirate too.

As I walked around with my fam, all I could think about was my ex-husband and how I wish we were experiencing Maryland together. I walked in silence. Skeet and I had a short convo about how I blocked him on my phone. He told me that I couldn't just cut him off after 13 years of being together but I can't communicate with him. I can't be just a friend and every time I hear his voice or see him, I just want to disappear. It is torture to love someone so much and not feel it in return. I really do wish him the best and maybe one day I will let go of the anger and be able to be civil to him. Today is not that day.

Messages In Song: HELLO Erykah Badu f. Andre 3000

Sometimes you come across a song that hits you like a ton of bricks. This one did it to me. Is there a message behind the lyrics? **shrugs**



Lyrics:

[Chorus: Erykah Badu]
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello

[Verse 1: André 3000]
Okay, challenge
Leave your phone unlocked and right side up
Walk out the room without throwin' your bitch off balance
It's either on or off, ain't no in between when it's valid
I seem to wanna talk more and more 'bout what really matters
I've seen my aura hop out my torso and hit her backwards
Flip watchin' you skip down my corridor, fuck a ballad
Don't need shit on the side no more, all entreé, fuck a salad
I often have awesome thoughts of tossin' this softer palate
So when we fall any wall, any stall, any crawl, any pause
Any scar, any tar, any dark will dissolve, kill them all
Build-a-bear, build them all, build it where it won't fall
Give it all, give it my all, yeah
Don't wear any drawers, any bra, anymore, in it raw, isn't it raw?
I'm in awe, I'm involved, common law, cummin' on stomach wall
Kermit frog jump off London fog
Bridges in the midst of callgirls my woman calls
Unicorn, you my porn

[Bridge: André 3000]
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know
Will this bitch click over for me?
I mean will this woman click over for me?
Over for me? Over for me?
Is it over for me? Over for me? Over for me?
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know
Is this bitch gettin' over on me?
If I go there will she go there with me?
Should I, I not be so open, I mean?
Open, I mean? You know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
I don't know
I don't know I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know (I don't know)
Will this bitch click over for me?
I mean will this woman click over for me?
Over for me? Over for me?
Is it over for me? Over for me? Over for me?
I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't know
Is this bitch gettin' over on me?
If I go there will she go there with me?
Should I, I not be so open, I mean?
Open, I mean? You know what I mean?
Know what I mean?

[Chorus: Erykah Badu]
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hey, hello, hello

[Verse 2: Erykah Badu]
Hello, it's me, it's me, baby
I thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much but something's wrong
Something that said it doesn't last too long, too long
Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine, mine, mine, mine, mine
But I can't help it, baby

[Verse 3: André 3000]
See you, see you
I see it that you want, as much as I do you
I take for granted, that you're always there
I take for granted, that you just don't care
And sometimes
It's just too hard to see it through, babe
And that's why

[Outro: Erykah Badu + André 3000]
It's important to me
That you know you are free
Cause I never want to make you change
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe
Don't change, don't change, squirrel
For me, babe


 

Sunday, October 23, 2016

DrownDeep Hula

The message said DrownDeep Hula.

It's amazing what those words evoked. Images from time so long ago.

I forgot all about that song. The distinct bass line. The dreamy sound, as if he is submerged under water. And the lyrics? The lyrics are mysterious and delicious and requires the listener to make an emotional connection to the writer.

His music is so unique.
Lyrics so unique.

I have obsessed over Maxwell since he first landed on the Neo-Soul/R&B scene. And I added seeing him perform to my bucket list over twenty years ago. I am going to check this off my list soon, like within two weeks.

I can only focus on the goodness in my life since the horrible interruption on September 21st. By September 28th we were signing the divorce papers. The pain was intense for those first two weeks. At times it was hard to see even a few hours ahead of me. If someone would ask me what I was going to do for dinner, I just could not plan that far ahead. My heart was just so broken. This Maxwell concert is the right thing to have so that I can focus on something bigger than me and see past today's hurt.

**heavy sigh**

I am going to be okay. That's what I keep telling myself. I tell myself that my soon-to-be ex husband needs to be away from me to unravel his unhappiness and get back to being joyful. It hurts when someone tells you that they just don't love you anymore. I don't know anyone that can just shut off their feelings like that. Heck, my first husband said those same words to me when he divorced me. I can't say how that happens. I often think about what would have happened if I had let the first husband back into my world before I eloped with the second husband. Nobody knows.

What I do know is that when I love someone in that romantic way, I love hard. I love unconditionally. I give my everything. And I have loved only two men in this way and they both were my husbands. My friends tell me I'm lucky to have loved like that at all. Some people go through life never experiencing love like this. Do I thank my lucky stars? Sure. But break-ups are so hard. They are so taxing on me and yet I feel so alive.

The last year has been so rough within my failed marriage. Both he and I were ready for a change. I had two job offers over the summer. One I turned down because my husband said I should stay where I'm at even though I was unhappy there. My respect for him as the head of the household convinced me that I should listen. Now we've split and I hold a degree of resentment toward him for that. I guess we should always listen to our inner voice. He went through some rough patches also with his job that eventually led to him quitting even without having another job waiting. I supported him in that. I told him that no one should be that unhappy at a place that they have to spend eight hours a day at. So I told him to QUIT! And he did. He quit, he went home to see his little sister graduate from college, and life was still good.

**heavy sigh**

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Revisiting My Journal from 2003

I did a dumb thing this morning.

I pulled out my journal from 2002-2003. I cried and cried as I read through the pages.

Back in 2003, my ex-ex husband Dallas (not his real name) asked for a divorce. Just five days later I met my current soon-to-be ex husband, Reggie (not his real name). As I read my journal, I noticed the emotion on the paper and how it was so raw and untethered. Reading those pages, I re-experienced falling so madly in love. Reggie brought me back to life after being broken down and now, ironically, he is the source of my heartache. Oh how I wish we could have stayed in that bubble of falling in love. It was full of magic and bliss.

How was I able to fall in love with Reggie while mourning the loss of my marriage to Dallas?

I suppose my love affair with Reggie happened so quickly because I was starving for affection. I had spent nine years of my life trying to make shit work with Dallas. I was so loyal. So down for him. When he asked for the divorce, I had no choice but to take care of my heart and let someone else in. The evening we signed the divorce document was the last time I seen and spoke to Dallas. It was such a heartbreaking moment that I will never forget. But it gave me my freedom. I was no longer tied down to Dallas. I could do whatever I wanted without recourse.

Excerpt from my journal, dated Saturday June 7, 2003:
The craziest thing happened yesterday. Dallas called me at about 7am. I was laying in Reggie's bed and my phone rings. I look over and see the familiar number. I was flabbergasted. On Thursday I was telling BooBoo how much I missed Dallas and I how I wished I could have it all back. Then Friday rolls around and he calls. We talked for about an hour and some change. Me and him just crying like babies. Me layed up in another mans bed telling my ex-husband how much I love him. I was telling him that I have so much love to give and he was not trying to be on the receiving end. He kept telling me sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me. **heavy sigh** He said he has so much problems going on with him. So many things he hasn't really let go of. Just when I think everything is done, and I have fully let go of him, he pops back into my life and blows my mind away. I STILL love him so much like I've never loved any man. And I want it all back. At the same time - after all the hurt - how can I take him back?

You know I love me some Reggie but not the way I love Dallas. I don't think anyone can fill those shoes but at the same time there was so much hurt. And I told him I could overlook it all if he could start from today and do me right. **heavy sigh** I don't know how I should be feeling. Why is he doing this to me? Is he trying to put closure on this or is he trying to get back in my world? I don't know.  I just don't know what the heck is going on. I mean, just when I think it's done and over with he pops back in. And for what????

Dallas calls me at work and we go into greater detail about our relationship. He proceeds to tell me EVERYTHING I needed to hear when we were married. Like how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And how I am such a good wife and that most women wouldn't stick by through half of the mess we been through. I cried and cried and cried. He cried. We talked for hours. He told me he didn't wanna die alone or grow old alone. How is it possible for me to love a man that has nothing left to give? Why do I feel it necessary to love men that need healing? I'll never understand. I love me some Dallas. I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with him.




Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Not So Intertwined

I am feeling more and more like myself.

When I'm with people, I tend to go into auto-pilot mode and my sparkling personality shines through.

But when I am alone, I hear love songs, and shed tears. Today's trigger song was Keshia Cole's, I Remember.


I wish I could shake the blues every time it creeps up on me but I need to feel these emotions, mourn it, and move on. My 45-minute commute to work this morning found me pouring tears. I feel so helpless to these emotions and I desperately want all of this to be over.

Judging on my relationship with my ex-ex husband and the length of time it took to shake him from my emotional landscape, I am going to be in this for some time. And I vow to do things differently this time. When my ex-ex husband and I divorced, I jumped so quickly into another relationship and now that relationship has come to an end after 13 years. My heart is always so willing and so open to love and romance. This time has to be different though.

I have sworn off marriage. There is just no way that I can enter another committed relationship like that. And this could be me talking right now but I just cannot feel the highs of falling in love and the depths of a break-up again. Maybe it's better that I stay steady, alone. It's not that I am cynical; far from that. I still believe in love but I just cannot put my heart on the line again. I don't have it in me to do it all over again. I am 41 years old and I'd rather not try to learn to be with someone new. I can't. I don't want to.

I always toot my own horn about my ability to be a good wife and a good woman. Yet and still, I have two failed marriages under my belt. I cannot explain the whens and whys. Of course, it always crosses my mind that either my selection in men is horrible or that I'm not as good a woman as I think I am. I can't call it.

Last night I went to a local watering hole called The Shack. Seated next to me was an older, Caucasian gentlemen. He was paying the tab and we chatted all evening long. He spoke so fondly of his deceased wife and how they had celebrated their 40th anniversary before she passed. I told him that they don't make men like that anymore. Based on my two failed marriages, both men walked out on the relationship. Divorce was not my choice in either case. When I take the vow of marriage, it means that I will never give up even when shit gets hard. Even when things are monotonous and it feels as if all we're doing is going through the motion. I believe that we can work to make the relationship brand new, given time. I only wish that my type of love were mirrored.

I can say that I have two great loves in my life. They both ended in a quick and concise divorce. Days after announcing they wanted a divorce, I was signing uncontested papers. My heart hurts double and yet I remember these two great loves. Maybe I'm lucky to have fallen in love twice. Maybe not. I can only think about myself now and not be so intertwined in the habit of being in love.