Monday, June 19, 2017

My Time to Jump

In the past few months I have talked incessantly about my rising star. I don't know what that's about but I feel it in my gut so strong and urgent. And I don't say it with arrogance or even confidence except that I feel it so strongly - a life calling me that is bigger than the here and now and bigger than I can currently imagine.

I suspect that all the pain I have experienced and all the joys have contributed to the me that I am right now. I do not look at my trail of broken hearts and severed relationships as anything but what it is - two people choosing different paths in life. I respect and honor the choices of the men that have left me. It is their authentic choice. Maybe at the end of my life I will understand the whys of their leaving me but today is not that day. I will always find love in the way that it always finds me. I know my value today and will not settle for less than a man that excites me and sets my world on fire. One that will support my every dream no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Someone that believes in me.

But beyond the wonder and magic of love, I am excited about the power I have to create the life I have always wanted to live. I can take the crazy risks that have always been nestled in my heart of hearts without fear of a less-than supportive mate. I know that the glue that holds me together today is my belief that I can do whatever my mind can conceive. And there is nothing holding me back except my own stubbornness to accept the path that is laid out before me. I still look back at my past wanting and wishing that things could be different instead of looking forward with my eyes single to the pursuit and completion of my goals. I can see so clearly the grandness of my life and the power within me to do what I once thought was impossible.

I still feel great love for my ex and yet understand with exactness that he does not feel love for me anymore. And though I continually mourn the end of that relationship and I occasionally cry myself to sleep just missing his presence in my life, I accept his choice to leave. I welcome the wonder of every tomorrow and marvel at my resilience to rise above the disappointment of that failed relationship. God knows my heart and the potential for which I strive to live up to.

I am here in Maryland and will drive down to South Carolina later this week. And before I flew out here last week, I had a minor meltdown at home. I found myself feeling like I was at rock bottom with all the things going on in my life. I was moving out of the house I was living in and had nowhere to go except back to my father's house. I have no car because my car had been wrecked in a car accident that I was involved in. If you had seen the condition of the car, you would marvel that I even survived.

Nothing is working for me on "my island" and I realized, as I sat sobbing at my predicament, that it is time for me to spread my wings and move away from Hawai'i. God knows I love my island home and my family there but if I am to accomplish anything of substance then I must leave and find my fortune wherever the road is taking me. Making that decision before I left lifted a burden off my shoulders. My older brother and my baby brother really pulled it together for me. My older brother co-signed my feelings about leaving the island and said everything I needed to hear to finally make the decision to leave. My baby brother paid my ticket to leave. Though I am not making the move immediately, the decision to do so was the hardest part. And now that I have made it, this vacation that I am on is that much sweeter. I look forward to every tomorrow!



Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Pondering. Journaling.

Since I split from my ex, the road ahead is shrouded in mystery and I feel like I can do ANYTHING and that NOTHING is holding me back from following my wildest curiosities. There are so many doors wide open for me. I feel like I can do anything. And yet, some of the people I am closest to are so critical of my decisions.

I feel like I want a change in my life. I want to get off the rock for a little bit and get my mind right. I am craving new adventures and to distance myself from everything that is going on in my here and now. At the same time, this could definitely be the best "rock bottom" story ever to be told. That's where I feel like I'm at -- Rock Bottom.

I can't wait to see my cousin in Maryland and my BFF who is also in Maryland. I really need to be with them and talk to them about my life. Lord knows I need some direction while I write these books. What I really want to do is lock myself up in a room and not come out until the novel is done. I can't very well do that here in Hawai'i because my phone doesn't stop ringing and well, circumstances will just NOT allow it right now. An artist needs complete silence and maybe some inspiration music but other than that - silence is the key to unlock the creativity in my mind.

Nothing is more important to me right now than changing my career path. Instead of doing what I do, which I'm pretty good at, I want to move toward living my dream. That means being a full-time writer. I don't get why some of the people that are closest to me cannot see my dream and support whatever path that takes me on. I am not leaving anyone behind just because I am moving toward my dream. At the end of my life, heck, at the end of this year, I don't want to have any regrets.

My father is stuck on the fact that I have a good job with great benefits. Me? I'm like, screw the benefits and the good job. What about the great big world out there that's waiting to be seen and experienced? What about the life that I have always dreamed of living? None of that can be achieved by staying in the same position. No one that ever achieved anything did it without opposition from their closest confidants. I suppose I will be the same. **sigh**

I am just so ready to live out loud and not be afraid of putting myself out there and taking this show in an entirely different direction. I don't mean to be disrespectful to my father. God bless him. He has been such a big part of my healing. And his advice and demeanor is always so steady but I think it's time for me to spread my wings and fly.


Thursday, June 01, 2017

Nobody But You



I stumbled across a Joss Stone song the other day. I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You. This song moves me and makes me feel things that I have not felt in a long time. That urgency of wanting and needing to be with a certain someone can be overwhelming and intoxicating. I wonder when and why the stars have aligned with such ferocity, with such speed at this point in my life. I know me and I know that I am not the type of girl that wants to date around. I love being in a relationship and pouring my time and affections into one man. Folks tend to think I move on too quickly but I don't agree. I take care of my heart however I need to. You can call me selfish or even cruel for being that way. It doesn't really matter what people think anymore. I have to take care of me and I choose love everyday, all day.

As I find myself in an ever-changing world, I choose to be happy. I choose to believe and know that I am more than enough. I choose to make the best days of my life be today and all the days ahead of me. I will breathe in joy and exhale pain and rejection. I am enough! And just because I have two failed marriages behind me and they forgot about how I used to light their world on fire DOES NOT mean that my light has dimmed at all. In fact I see my flicker turning into a bright and burning flame. And I choose my happiness above everything else.

So everyday that I play this gem of a song, I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You, I think of the intense chemistry and fire I feel in my budding friendship with a special someone. He has traversed several hurdles that I have unknowingly placed in front of him. I say "unknowingly" because I was not consciously creating these situations that generated a sort of test for him to pass or fail. That is not my style and yet when I sit back and observe and analyze what is happening between us, I am amazed and fall deeper in sync with him.

The last "test" blew me away. I had been thinking so negatively about how he would react if I exposed certain parts of the real me.... the girl that doesn't have it all together, the girl that needs emotional support, the girl that is sometimes a basket case, the girl that is cranky and moody... he reacted beautifully. He was stunned that I would think so poorly of him and that I would think that he would run at the first sight of realness on my part. Not saying that I am NOT real but I have definitely put my best foot forward in all our dealings. When all the emotions had died down (on my part), he was cool as a cucumber, the following exchange happened:
HIM: You are very special baby
ME: Me? Special? What you mean?
HIM: U are special baby. U complete me. I'm crazy about u.

I know that little exchange does not seem like anything special but after what had happened between us before that, this just set my world on fire. YOU COMPLETE ME. Now we have said some hot and heavy things to each other. I am always careful with my words because I try not to ever say something that I don't absolutely mean. Yet and still, I may say something that comes out like a knee-jerk reaction to whatever he says and then realize -- did I really just say that? But now, having gone through our little trial, whatever is happening between us just got REAL-ER. And the words that once were knee-jerk reactions are now turning into real feelings backed by raw emotion. The rise is so exhilarating and the butterflies that were a mild flutter have blossomed into rapid, pulsating waves of affection. I Don't Wanna Be With Nobody But You!







Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Burden of Secrets



Some days I crave emotional support. Today is one of those days. I can't be all put together, all the time. No one can. I wish I could stay in bed for the next week and cry. Maybe I should crawl into a cave and not come out for a day or two. Secrets are a heavy burden that I don't want to carry anymore.  I want to live my truth. I am in a constant state of peeling apart layer after layer of the life I have created. I feel so messed up all of the time. And I pretend to be so put together when really I just want to fall apart in pieces. I have always been a "fake it til you make it girl." I know one day I will emerge from this heavy burden of sadness and fear. I see it so clearly but today... today is not that day.

Since I split from my ex in September 2016, my whole life has been in constant transition. I did not see the divorce coming even though I felt that things were off between he and I. While he was contemplating the split and figuring out his solo game plan, I was wondering how to make US better. I never thought that I would have to plan my life again, as a single woman. I feel alone. I crave affection and someone to hold me together but I have to figure out a way to hold myself together. I cannot lean on anyone to do this for me anymore.

I want to run away and start a new life somewhere away from all the noise around me. I crave new experiences to help me forget the pain of the here and now. I look at the woman I am today and marvel at how far I've come from September 2016 and struggle with wanting my old life that I had with my ex. We were a powerful match but I cannot keep looking back at that because he DOES NOT want me. And I just have to make peace with that and move ever gently in a different direction. What has transpired between us is done and no amount of longing on my part will bring back what we had.

For the most part, I am an open book but there are some secrets that I have not even told to my two besties -- two women that know virtually EVERYTHING about me. I fear judgement. I don't want them to tell me how stupid I am or foolish. Both of them are in Maryland, so far away from me. So today and every day I carry my secrets and bear its weight alone. As I reconcile the consequences of my choices, I make corrections so as not to make the same mistakes again. So I cry tonight and release it into the universe so that I can feel whole again. Alone.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel renewed and maybe I won't but I know that I cannot continue on in this way.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Hashtag I Still Believe In Love


There is one thing that I am absolutely sure of. I was born to write! I was born to tell my own stories and to speak my truth that is written upon a page. And that is the one and only thing that I am absolutely sure of. With that being said, can you imagine the host of other things that I just can't figure out?

For instance, I love to be in love. That is another thing that I am sure of. I love to feel the butterflies in my belly and the brand newness of falling in love. I also loved the longevity of my last marriage. We were such good friends until we both became so unhappy. Some days I want my old life back with him then I think of how cruel he was when we were breaking up. Even so, if he came to me today and wanted to try and work it out, I think I would consider it. I loved him so much and he loved me too. He loved me for 13 years, probably more like 12 if we take off the last year of our marriage. He stuck it out with me, was faithful to me, was a good provider for us and his children. I can't say why we fell out of love but love just doesn't go away especially after 13 years of being together. The time flew by between us. We were such good friends - did everything together. I miss his presence in my life, the companionship. I miss his leadership and his constant guidance. I miss us. #iStillBelieveInLove

And the crazy thing is - I cannot wait around for him to want me again because I deserve a bit of happiness. And last I checked, when I looked in the mirror and assessed the woman that I am -- I am a damn good catch and he gave me up without even trying a separation. My mother raised me to be a good woman with a kind heart and I'm smart with such a genuine personality and talented too. I can toot my own horn and back it up with skill!! I cook, clean, and do all the domestic things that an old school woman can do. Tonight my father looked at me and said, "Babe. You look regal!" I agree popps. I am regal. I am the queen that you and mom raised me to be. I am the good girl that every mother wants for their son. #iStillBelieveInLove

My stomach turns upside down when I think of how he used to make me quiver with just a kiss. He knew the power he had over me. I know that if we were to ever get back together that we would be so powerful and so much stronger than we were before. Communication would be more intense and we would truly hear each other this time around. I tear up just thinking about him and the way we broke up. Even though it could have been really ugly, my  mother raised me to be a CLASS ACT and instead of fight him on the divorce, I gave in to whatever he wanted. It was seven days from the day he told me he wanted a divorce to the day that we were signing papers. The months have flown by since that day and every day gets a little easier but I still miss my old life where I had a companion by my side, helping me make the tough decisions. #iStillBelieveInLove

He is a beautiful man and I'm sure there are many lovely ladies that would beg for a bit of his time. I wish him well on that journey. What I know is that I don't want to grow old alone so I consciously make the choice to stop worrying about two failed marriages. Though I take responsibility for the things that I could have done differently in the relationships, it was ultimately their decision to leave instead of trying to work it out. I really thought he and I would have lasted forever. Our level of commitment to each other was unparalleled. I trusted my life and my heart in his hands. I believe in love. I always have. #iStillBelieveInLove

I want to experience the magic of love OVER and OVER again. I have never had a problem finding love. There is magic everywhere for everyone. I am wide open to possibility even though I have a glimmer of hope for my L.A.W. I honor his desire to be free and the courage it took for him to leave. I could never blame him for following his truth. If we all acted on our most genuine feelings, the world might be a better place. But my truth right now is that I am a single woman, no kids, and I deserve all the love one heart can hold. #iStillBelieveInLove

Monday, May 08, 2017

Poetic Justice: "Her Heart" Version



I spent my Saturday night curled up in bed, feeling ill, craving sleep but unable to shut my eyes. My mind is always on overdrive, overthinking decisions that need to be made, and turning over past choices that I have not made peace with yet. And of all the mindless things that I could do, I selected watching a movie on Hulu to help pass the time. I nixxed the writing for one evening and sat through an entire movie. It's rare for me to have attention enough to sit still and look at a movie without being distracted by social media or the call to write or read a good book. My selection that evening was John Singleton's, Poetic Justice starring Janet Jackson as the lead opposite the late Tupac Shakur. I am a huge John Singleton fan and am sad that he has not put out anything recently. He exploded on the scene in the early 90's with his debut film, Boyz N the Hood. It was, by far, the movie of my teenage life! Though I could never actually relate to the gang lifestyle of South Central L.A. it certainly was a gripping story and portrayal of what goes on in the inner cities of L.A.

Poetic Justice also touches on the issues that hamper young people's lives in L.A. but this is told from the perspective of a young female writer, Justice, played by Janet Jackson. Her escape from her reality is her poetry. I have only watched the movie once prior to this screening. Even though I have always identified with being a writer, the first time I watched it back in the mid-90's, I did not connect with the character of Justice. This time around was so different.

The movie is about love. It's about how this young urban woman deals with her personal issues and how it relates to her finding love. Justice is very skiddish about the idea of opening her heart. In the opening scene, she is at a drive-in theatre with her boyfriend who, based on their dialogue, just got out of lock-up. For young readers that are not familiar with a drive-in theatre, you take your own car into a parking lot where a huge screen is set up to project a film. The sound is either set to a certain radio station that you tune in to or you can park near a speaker that you are able to hear the movie. It is quite an intimate setting as movie-goers are able to carry on conversations or do what lovers do and are still able to maintain a small bit of privacy.

One of my most favorite dates of all time happened at the drive-in theatre. It was after my junior prom. My date and I doubled with my best friend and her date, which was also a good friend of my date. I look back at it with fondness because of the level of respect that was observed between all of us. There was no pressure for any hanky-panky physical activities. The four of us genuinely had a good time and the movie we watched was, White Men Can't Jump, starring Wesley Snipes.

Anyway, Justice's boyfriend is trying desperately to have physical relations with her. She nervously asks him why he loves her. Without skipping a beat he says, "Cause you fine!" She is thoroughly unimpressed by this answer and pushes him off. She distracts him by saying that she wants some popcorn and jujubees. He is reluctant to go but he is still trying to impress her. He exits the car, takes a few steps toward the snackbar then races back to the car. He tells her, "You want to know what I love about you? I loved that you sent me all those nice poems when I was locked up." She blushes. For a deep-feeling person like Justice, that was the right answer or at least a large step in the right direction.

I can certainly identify with Justice's search for a man that can see into her and not just her physical beauty. I know that has always been the most important thing to me - that a man could see my soul as it is and love that part of me the most. Physical beauty fades. I don't pretend to be the most gorgeous thing on the planet and most times I feel awkward or average even though admirers gush about my looks. For me, the best parts of me cannot be seen with human eyes. It can only be observed soul-to-soul. Anthony Hamilton sings a song, Her Heart. The lyrics are so beautiful to me and the melody adds a touch of sadness that can only come from a man with so much regret for hurting the only woman who loved him with such completeness.

I know you love me more than me
And you vowed to love through anything
I never had a kind of love that was forever

And as you cried in my arms
You woke up my heart
And I saw again what I found in you
Cuz her love, her love
Won't let me lose her
No matter how I try
I just can't say goodbye and lose her

I point out this particular song and these lyrics because it shows the extent to which a man pushes his woman until he could really see into the heart and soul of her. It is almost as if he takes her to the verge of breaking her heart before he can actually see her true value. For me, this type of realization is crucial and yet may come a little too late.

Justice's boyfriend dies in the next scene right there in the drive-in, before her very eyes. You can see and feel her heart seize up and become as stone. The rest of the movie attempts to follow Justice along this path towards opening her heart again. Watching the movie with this as the sole objective of the story changes how I view this love story. Though I still cannot understand the merciless killing and loss of her boyfriend in that manner, I do know what it's like to lose someone that I loved so much. Whether it was my first husband or my second, I know what it is like to be cut off from the man that I love. And it hurts like hell. I can pretend that I'm moving on and going towards someone that will take care of my heart but am I really? I can make comparisons across the board with old love and new love and there really is no comparison if I am looking at it strictly from the standpoint of who can really see and appreciate my heart and soul in its totality!

Sure, new love is exciting and brand new. There is no history of hurt and the magic and the chemistry is intoxicating... yet there are so many flaws in it's expression. I may seem like an independent woman with all her ducks in a row but that is so shallow for someone to only be attracted to that part of me. What I want is someone who can see into the heart of me and know me. Someone that knows every trial I have faced, knows the emotional battles I've fought, the pain I have weathered, and still wants to be in my corner to hold me together. And if a man has no interest in seeing that part of me then why would I waste my time on it? Lust? The magic of those fluttering butterflies in my belly? Now that would be shallow of me and so surface and unlike me.

When Justice finally opens up to Lucky, played by Tupac Shakur, she exposes parts of her past that illustrates why she is so hardened by life's trials. Lucky has the choice of running from that type of emotional pressure. Some people are not meant to bare the load. Some people are not equipped with that type of emotional depth and stability to want to stay around. In the end, Lucky knows she's worth the risk of loving a woman so hardened by life. And that, that is what I want. That is what I deserve.

Like Justice, I cannot be so guarded about my heart. I cannot pretend to be this strong woman when all I feel is weakness inside and I have to let a man in so that he is able to provide that support that I am craving. I cannot say that I am open to new love and not give him a shot at being everything I need him to be. I have to open my heart space up and tell him what I need and let him in on what makes me tick. I have to expose my battle wounds and let him see the scar tissue that makes me who I am. What is priceless to me is when a man can support me with all my ambitions and get behind 100% of all of my dreams no matter how ridiculous they might sound to him. It takes a secure man to see my potential, believe in it, and move out the way so that I can do what I do. I cherish that. It's what I deserve and it's what I received this morning so unexpectedly. And the butterflies that were a mild flutter has suddenly blossomed into rapid, pulsating waves of affection.





Tuesday, April 18, 2017

So Fragile So Broken



I am going through such a range of emotions in the writing of this novel. This is the longest I have stuck to the writing of my own novel. Projects that I have done as a "ghost writer" have been simple because the subjects are usually things that I am so disconnected from. However, the writing of this novel is forcing me to dig deep and feel emotions that I have buried for so long. It is very therapeutic to feel these things and at the same time gives me an awful remembrance of the hurt I have experienced. As much as I say I love to be in love, I think it's mostly to avoid having to feel these strong emotions of pain and suffering and of loss and longing. Maybe one day I will skip having to be so melancholy and on the verge of a depressive break down. My feelings of happiness from last week are lost on me today. I hope tomorrow will be warm and that the joy I felt just a few days ago will return.

I cannot continue this manic feeling of highs and lows and I surely don't want to pull anyone into this crazy roller coaster. I hate this and yet the tears that I shed are like drops of pain leaving me. I wish I didn't have to go through these emotions but I understand that this is part of my healing. I honor the lessons I have learned and I cherish the fact that I love so deeply and so complete. And I hope that one day someone will come along who can appreciate the depth of my soul and how much devotion and love I am capable of giving.

I started a post several months ago, after my divorce was complete. The post is called "Hashtag Perfect Man." In it, I talk incessantly about what the perfect man for me looks like. Every woman has different ideas on this. As I was reviewing the post, I am surprised at how lengthy it is and so specific. And it details things that are so surface and shallow and so unlike me but I really wanted to create the perfect guy in my minds eye so as to attract exactly what I had envisioned. I have not completed the post because I have not included the things of the heart. It's like I'm afraid to outline the things that will care for my heart, afraid that if I dreamed that big dream no man could ever fit that tall order. Moving forward, I cannot compromise the things that are most important to me and that is that someone will appreciate my heart and the depth of my soul. That my devotion to him will never be taken for granted. That my tenderness will never be used and stand unreciprocated. I don't think I am a high maintenance woman. I am definitely down to earth but not high maintenance. I do require a lot of attention, someone that will always think of me and show it in his actions.

There's a Jonathan Butler song called, Take Good Care of Me. The first time I heard it I was a pre-teen. Late 80's time frame. The lyrics have always been so beautiful to me. I don't know why I have always identified with the idea that I am a broken-hearted girl but I have. Perhaps my energy attracts all this pain and loss. I would not be surprised if that is the case. When I attended the Maxwell concert this past November, as we exited the arena and walked to the car my date asked me to sing a song for him. I selected this song. It was such a beautiful evening. I was feeling fantastic and euphoric at all the experiences of that particular weekend but especially that evening. It was so close to perfection where I felt whole and loved. The magic and the electricity of it all will never be forgotten. And even with all that magic, I know my heart is so afraid to trust again. And I don't want to be bitter and resentful but I think that maybe lonely is better than falling truly, madly, deeply in love again. I cannot experience anymore heartache. I don't want to.

I don't want to push away true love but I am so fragile and so broken. And even though I pretend to be strong and I constantly use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove, do I? Do I believe that my heart really has the capacity to love again? I can't even call it right now. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and allowing anyone into my private agony. And I don't want it to be agony for long. One day I hope that I will triumph over this sadness and live in that space where joy reigns. I spend so many mornings in tears as I wake alone in my bed. So many nights longing to be held as I fall asleep and wishing that my bed was not empty. Somehow my life is going on, one day at a time but I wish I could skip over all this heartache. I wish I had the resolve to say that tomorrow will be better but I will settle by just saying that I will try harder to let go of the pain. Maybe one day someone will crack through this hardened heart that is longing to be soft again.







Thursday, April 13, 2017

I Wake Up & Feel So Happy


Yesterday. Today. Everyday, I wake up and feel so happy. I feel like there are fireworks going off inside of me. I have never been more sure of myself than I am today and I am so grateful. My life today is not what I had envisioned a year ago or even six months ago but everyday I move forward with confidence. And everyday, I feel more sure that my life could not be any other way than what it is right now.

I don't know what is on the horizon but I see my star continuing to rise. It is so clear. Clearer than it has ever been in my entire life. I will live the life of my dreams and I will have everything that my heart desires and deserves. And I deserve the fairy tale that I have put together in my head that includes my dream job of being a full-time author.

I don't know what love looks like for me in the future but I am not in a rush toward anything but taking care of me, for right now. Even though I still straddle that line between rekindling the old or fostering the brand new, I am only concerned about my own mental and emotional well-being. It sounds selfish and you can call it that. I'm okay with being called selfish. It's not the first time or the last since someone has called me that. One can either stay with me for the ride or not. There are no guarantees that I will be the same me a year from now that I am today.

I know that new love is magical and exciting. And we find these sparks of fire under the strangest of circumstances. Two souls meet and exchange real energy and chemistry. One can either follow it or let it die where it is and always wonder about what could have been. I am not one to wonder. I am curious and thoughtful about everything and that includes the magic of new love. And I don't know where it will lead. No one does. One thing is for sure - what I know about me is that I am the most loyal chic, ride-or-die, down-for-whatever, and I can be the best partner a man could ever have. That is the real-est truth about me. So whether I follow new love or let my path lead back to old love, when I give my heart, I am giving my life for as long as they will have me. I did it with my first husband and I was there for my second husband and I kick myself sometimes for letting them dictate when they would leave me. And they both left me!

I can say that much of my healing has a lot to do with my mind's acceptance of hope for the future. Today and all of my tomorrow's are not so bleak and foreboding anymore. I am actually excited to see what is ahead of me. About six months ago I couldn't even plan 15 minutes ahead because I was so depressed and the world just looked so dark and unappealing. I lost so much weight. I didn't have an appetite. I was just not happy at all. I didn't stay very long in that dark place and I am grateful to have made it out from beneath that grey cloud.

I feel so alive in such a genuine way. I almost feel ready to let go of some of the "crutches" I have acquired in the last six months. Almost. I move forward with nothing but positive vibes in my body and a mind so determined to achieve all of my wildest dreams. Here I am Universe -- use me for your greatest good!


Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Happy, Even



This morning I feel as light as a feather.

As many of my blog followers know, I have been working on my first novel. I have started several novels before, wrote the first chapter then just stopped. But this one, the one I'm working on now, has so much fuel and fire on it that I have no option but to write, write, and finish it. I have taken out my old journals for inspiration so that I can push through the writing. I have an aggressive goal of completing the first draft by the end of April. This would mean that I have to write about 10,000 words per week. If I write six days a week, that's about 1,700 words a day. Aggressive, I know! I am already behind so there is a lot of catching up to do this week. If I combined what I write in my handwritten journal with this blog and what I add to my novel, I would kill the 1,700-words-per-day goal.

So why do I feel light as a feather today?

Well, I pulled out my journals the other day to make my second video on my YouTube Channel. (I posted the video of me talking about my journals.) I decided to read my journals for inspiration and let me tell you the emotion was coming off the page. I cried and sobbed as I read. And it was THE UGLY cry, the stutter cry with stuff coming out of my nose and tears flowing from my eyes. It was not pretty.

Everyone gets one first love. Mine happens to be my first husband. So much of who I am today was shaped because of that first love and the heartbreak of that first love. We have been through so much together and in some of my hardest times, he was the only one standing with me. I knew I loved him when we had our first real conversation. And my love is true ride-or-die love. I don't have any quit in me. Reading the journals was like revisiting the hurt because of my devotion to that man. At the end of our relationship, he really had nothing left for me. No affection. No love. No care for me. Reading through those emotions and events of unrequited love really sent me into a crying fit.

Last night I sent a facebook message to him with some of the journal entries that I had read. He did not recall treating me so cruelly and perhaps he did not think he was doing that. But since I was on the receiving end of his inability to show me love, I am the teller of the story. He allowed me to express my hurt. I cried and cried as I read and wrote those words to him. It was like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt that pain again, expressed it to the man that I had once loved with complete abandon, and then I let it go.

You may wonder why I am dealing with my first husband. I believe much of my current issues has to do with that first heartbreak. As I revamp my life and reinvent me, I'm taking my hurt alllll the way back to when I first felt my heart break and that was with my first husband. When I've healed from that I will make my way forward to my current divorce. Of course it messes with me that two men left me in my short 41 years. I can't say why nor do I understand it at the present moment. I don't know what I do that is deplorable to them that they cannot stay committed to the relationship. What I know is that I am a damn good woman even if they cannot see my value. I move forward with so many lessons learned and no love lost. I am still as excited about love as I have always been. New love. Butterflies in my belly. Bring on that crazy kinda love that sets off fireworks in my soul. I'm ready!

I know there is much healing ahead of me and that this will probably not be my last cry session. But for today I feel great. Light as a feather. Happy, even.