Tuesday, April 18, 2017

So Fragile So Broken



I am going through such a range of emotions in the writing of this novel. This is the longest I have stuck to the writing of my own novel. Projects that I have done as a "ghost writer" have been simple because the subjects are usually things that I am so disconnected from. However, the writing of this novel is forcing me to dig deep and feel emotions that I have buried for so long. It is very therapeutic to feel these things and at the same time gives me an awful remembrance of the hurt I have experienced. As much as I say I love to be in love, I think it's mostly to avoid having to feel these strong emotions of pain and suffering and of loss and longing. Maybe one day I will skip having to be so melancholy and on the verge of a depressive break down. My feelings of happiness from last week are lost on me today. I hope tomorrow will be warm and that the joy I felt just a few days ago will return.

I cannot continue this manic feeling of highs and lows and I surely don't want to pull anyone into this crazy roller coaster. I hate this and yet the tears that I shed are like drops of pain leaving me. I wish I didn't have to go through these emotions but I understand that this is part of my healing. I honor the lessons I have learned and I cherish the fact that I love so deeply and so complete. And I hope that one day someone will come along who can appreciate the depth of my soul and how much devotion and love I am capable of giving.

I started a post several months ago, after my divorce was complete. The post is called "Hashtag Perfect Man." In it, I talk incessantly about what the perfect man for me looks like. Every woman has different ideas on this. As I was reviewing the post, I am surprised at how lengthy it is and so specific. And it details things that are so surface and shallow and so unlike me but I really wanted to create the perfect guy in my minds eye so as to attract exactly what I had envisioned. I have not completed the post because I have not included the things of the heart. It's like I'm afraid to outline the things that will care for my heart, afraid that if I dreamed that big dream no man could ever fit that tall order. Moving forward, I cannot compromise the things that are most important to me and that is that someone will appreciate my heart and the depth of my soul. That my devotion to him will never be taken for granted. That my tenderness will never be used and stand unreciprocated. I don't think I am a high maintenance woman. I am definitely down to earth but not high maintenance. I do require a lot of attention, someone that will always think of me and show it in his actions.

There's a Jonathan Butler song called, Take Good Care of Me. The first time I heard it I was a pre-teen. Late 80's time frame. The lyrics have always been so beautiful to me. I don't know why I have always identified with the idea that I am a broken-hearted girl but I have. Perhaps my energy attracts all this pain and loss. I would not be surprised if that is the case. When I attended the Maxwell concert this past November, as we exited the arena and walked to the car my date asked me to sing a song for him. I selected this song. It was such a beautiful evening. I was feeling fantastic and euphoric at all the experiences of that particular weekend but especially that evening. It was so close to perfection where I felt whole and loved. The magic and the electricity of it all will never be forgotten. And even with all that magic, I know my heart is so afraid to trust again. And I don't want to be bitter and resentful but I think that maybe lonely is better than falling truly, madly, deeply in love again. I cannot experience anymore heartache. I don't want to.

I don't want to push away true love but I am so fragile and so broken. And even though I pretend to be strong and I constantly use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove, do I? Do I believe that my heart really has the capacity to love again? I can't even call it right now. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and allowing anyone into my private agony. And I don't want it to be agony for long. One day I hope that I will triumph over this sadness and live in that space where joy reigns. I spend so many mornings in tears as I wake alone in my bed. So many nights longing to be held as I fall asleep and wishing that my bed was not empty. Somehow my life is going on, one day at a time but I wish I could skip over all this heartache. I wish I had the resolve to say that tomorrow will be better but I will settle by just saying that I will try harder to let go of the pain. Maybe one day someone will crack through this hardened heart that is longing to be soft again.







Thursday, April 13, 2017

I Wake Up & Feel So Happy


Yesterday. Today. Everyday, I wake up and feel so happy. I feel like there are fireworks going off inside of me. I have never been more sure of myself than I am today and I am so grateful. My life today is not what I had envisioned a year ago or even six months ago but everyday I move forward with confidence. And everyday, I feel more sure that my life could not be any other way than what it is right now.

I don't know what is on the horizon but I see my star continuing to rise. It is so clear. Clearer than it has ever been in my entire life. I will live the life of my dreams and I will have everything that my heart desires and deserves. And I deserve the fairy tale that I have put together in my head that includes my dream job of being a full-time author.

I don't know what love looks like for me in the future but I am not in a rush toward anything but taking care of me, for right now. Even though I still straddle that line between rekindling the old or fostering the brand new, I am only concerned about my own mental and emotional well-being. It sounds selfish and you can call it that. I'm okay with being called selfish. It's not the first time or the last since someone has called me that. One can either stay with me for the ride or not. There are no guarantees that I will be the same me a year from now that I am today.

I know that new love is magical and exciting. And we find these sparks of fire under the strangest of circumstances. Two souls meet and exchange real energy and chemistry. One can either follow it or let it die where it is and always wonder about what could have been. I am not one to wonder. I am curious and thoughtful about everything and that includes the magic of new love. And I don't know where it will lead. No one does. One thing is for sure - what I know about me is that I am the most loyal chic, ride-or-die, down-for-whatever, and I can be the best partner a man could ever have. That is the real-est truth about me. So whether I follow new love or let my path lead back to old love, when I give my heart, I am giving my life for as long as they will have me. I did it with my first husband and I was there for my second husband and I kick myself sometimes for letting them dictate when they would leave me. And they both left me!

I can say that much of my healing has a lot to do with my mind's acceptance of hope for the future. Today and all of my tomorrow's are not so bleak and foreboding anymore. I am actually excited to see what is ahead of me. About six months ago I couldn't even plan 15 minutes ahead because I was so depressed and the world just looked so dark and unappealing. I lost so much weight. I didn't have an appetite. I was just not happy at all. I didn't stay very long in that dark place and I am grateful to have made it out from beneath that grey cloud.

I feel so alive in such a genuine way. I almost feel ready to let go of some of the "crutches" I have acquired in the last six months. Almost. I move forward with nothing but positive vibes in my body and a mind so determined to achieve all of my wildest dreams. Here I am Universe -- use me for your greatest good!


Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Happy, Even



This morning I feel as light as a feather.

As many of my blog followers know, I have been working on my first novel. I have started several novels before, wrote the first chapter then just stopped. But this one, the one I'm working on now, has so much fuel and fire on it that I have no option but to write, write, and finish it. I have taken out my old journals for inspiration so that I can push through the writing. I have an aggressive goal of completing the first draft by the end of April. This would mean that I have to write about 10,000 words per week. If I write six days a week, that's about 1,700 words a day. Aggressive, I know! I am already behind so there is a lot of catching up to do this week. If I combined what I write in my handwritten journal with this blog and what I add to my novel, I would kill the 1,700-words-per-day goal.

So why do I feel light as a feather today?

Well, I pulled out my journals the other day to make my second video on my YouTube Channel. (I posted the video of me talking about my journals.) I decided to read my journals for inspiration and let me tell you the emotion was coming off the page. I cried and sobbed as I read. And it was THE UGLY cry, the stutter cry with stuff coming out of my nose and tears flowing from my eyes. It was not pretty.

Everyone gets one first love. Mine happens to be my first husband. So much of who I am today was shaped because of that first love and the heartbreak of that first love. We have been through so much together and in some of my hardest times, he was the only one standing with me. I knew I loved him when we had our first real conversation. And my love is true ride-or-die love. I don't have any quit in me. Reading the journals was like revisiting the hurt because of my devotion to that man. At the end of our relationship, he really had nothing left for me. No affection. No love. No care for me. Reading through those emotions and events of unrequited love really sent me into a crying fit.

Last night I sent a facebook message to him with some of the journal entries that I had read. He did not recall treating me so cruelly and perhaps he did not think he was doing that. But since I was on the receiving end of his inability to show me love, I am the teller of the story. He allowed me to express my hurt. I cried and cried as I read and wrote those words to him. It was like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt that pain again, expressed it to the man that I had once loved with complete abandon, and then I let it go.

You may wonder why I am dealing with my first husband. I believe much of my current issues has to do with that first heartbreak. As I revamp my life and reinvent me, I'm taking my hurt alllll the way back to when I first felt my heart break and that was with my first husband. When I've healed from that I will make my way forward to my current divorce. Of course it messes with me that two men left me in my short 41 years. I can't say why nor do I understand it at the present moment. I don't know what I do that is deplorable to them that they cannot stay committed to the relationship. What I know is that I am a damn good woman even if they cannot see my value. I move forward with so many lessons learned and no love lost. I am still as excited about love as I have always been. New love. Butterflies in my belly. Bring on that crazy kinda love that sets off fireworks in my soul. I'm ready!

I know there is much healing ahead of me and that this will probably not be my last cry session. But for today I feel great. Light as a feather. Happy, even.







Monday, April 03, 2017

I Don't Need to Rehash a Damn Thing



Dear Ex,

You cannot come into my life when you're feeling some kind of way just to get things off your chest. I don't need texts like this in the morning:
Neena...not to rehash, but your a great person.. great wife and the more I think about I realize we can both be free do to pursue our OWN goals. It really wasn't about you. Just so you know

I really don't need texts like that to color my day. If I had the courage right now, I would tell you to stop texting me and yet I hold on, hoping that maybe one day you might want me back. But I don't even know if that's what I want. Do I want to live in the gray area that we've been in for the last couple of years? No! I want to feel my blood coursing through my veins, hot and flaming and never fall into a funk where I forgot the woman I am.

So, before you send off a text where you are trying to make yourself feel better about breaking my heart - DON'T! I don't need to hear it. I don't need to rehash anything. I have made peace with your leaving and I never want to rehash any of these feelings of heartache again. Not from you. Not from anyone who has ever broken my heart. You don't get to do a do-over with me.

The way you treated me when you told me you wanted a divorce and the immediate days after our break up was probably the worst thing I have ever experienced (aside from the loss of my mother). The way you made it seem like I was the enemy still makes my stomach turn when I think about it. I know that I am a damn good woman and a damn good wife. You treated me like I was some skank off the street trying to trap you, like I did something wrong to you. When I cried throughout this process, you looked at me with such disgust that even now I am amazed that you ever loved me.

So, don't text me with your guilty conscience texts. I don't want to hear your regret or your mantra trying to convince yourself that divorcing me is the best thing for both of us. Since we did it, we might as well keep moving ahead. Trust me when I say that you will NEVER have the opportunity to be with me again. EVER. And it's not because I don't love you because Lord knows I do. It's because of how you treated me in those final days. Call me bitter. Call me whatever you want. Just know that I am so done with you!

Love,


NeenaLove

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you worthy
I need a moment to deliberate



Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Love Future


In recent days, I have found myself contemplating what I will do next in life. I have this pulsing desire to leave this current situation behind. I want to put so much distance between me and all of my past romantic relationships and scratch out a new existence all by myself. I know I will not do it all by myself. My family and friends are so much a part of my transition. But I feel the need to be all by myself in the world. As crazy as that sounds, I need the peace and tranquility of being alone to find ME again. I need to stretch my legs and gather new experiences and remember the girl I was and figure out the girl I am going to be.

Much of my adult life has found me searching for true love and seeking to find that spark, that magic, that fire. In recent months, I straddle this line between rekindling past love and all of the history that comes with it or should I move toward something brand new without any history or pain. The pattern I find myself in is that I want men that don't want me. Well they want me or they think they want me but they have no idea how to fulfill my needs. They don't pursue me in the traditional way that I dream of, the way I saw my father constantly court my mother or the way I watch my older brother with his wife. I have such beautiful examples of love, unconditional, all around me. How is it that my selection in men is so poor that they always find a reason to leave me?

I have buried two marriages in my short life and right now, I cannot love like that again even though I love being in love. There is no better feeling than the butterflies that arise in my belly when I am in love. There is no better feeling than to be desired by a man that I am absolutely head over heels for. And yet, I have not clearly defined in my head how I want the next relationship to look like moving forward. I would agree with anyone who says that right now is not the time to look for a new love. And yet I feel the stirrings in my belly again. I feel the magic of explosive new love and at the same time, I feel the burn of old love and my mind cannot decipher which is the right way to go. At best, the right way is to sit in stillness and not choose a path at all. The path that is beckoning to me is the one that puts me above everyone else. I cannot live my life for another and neither can they live for me.

Just recently, I started watching the TV Show THIS IS US. The writing is so fabulous. The story line so real and the actors and actresses that bring it to life are stellar. The most recent episode I watched, there is a particular scene where one of the main characters is prompted to seek out his one true love. Kevin shows up at Sophie's door unannounced after not having seen her in 12 years. She was once married to him and he left the marriage. He tells her that she's the one that got away.

Side Note: Every single episode of THIS IS US is chock full of raw human emotion. Love, hate, resentment, anger - it just covers so many emotions and I cry with every single episode.

When Kevin shows up at Sophie's door and reveals his regrets, it instantly reminded me of my own failed first marriage. Everyone has a first love - the one they gave their entire heart to. My first love was also my first husband. I have written about our relationship several times before on this blog and in my handwritten journals. At the end of that marriage, I never quite moved on. It's like he took the biggest piece of my heart with him when he left. And what was left for my second husband was a tiny fraction of my capacity to love and yet there's no denying that I did love my second husband also. This recent break up with him has brought all of the pain and loss of both marriages to the forefront and I grieve. I still sob when I think of the loss of the two great loves in my life. This prompts me to want the magic and electricity of new love. I don't want to dwell on the pain of the past. I have been quite successful at burying the pain and pushing forward without addressing the wounds. But now, now is the time to purge and let it all go once and for all.

I don't know what my love future looks like. What I do know is that I love the bliss of a love without any pain associated with it. What I do know is that magic can happen at the craziest of times and under the strangest of circumstances. What I absolutely know is that synergy and pure, raw attraction is alive and well in me. What I know is that I don't want to label or define the old or the new because it changes it, whatever IT is, and turns it into something I may not want. As I progress through the changing landscape of my life, I will do so with my eye single to my goals. I love to be in love but first I must work on me and that is exactly what I am going to do. God-willing, all of my passion for writing and all of my creative pursuits that make me feel so alive will be realized and love will find me, either way.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

The Fading Night


I love to wake up in the early morning while it's still dark out. I brew a cup of coffee. Dark. Black. Stout. I sit on my balcony and wait for the sun to rise. The world is so still and so quiet. Only the breeze through the trees can be heard and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The roosters are just about ready to begin crowing but not just yet. Sometimes, on a night where the moon is full, the early morning is awash with moon beams. It casts an eerie glow across the landscape. And when the moon is absent the sky is littered with millions of stars, twinkling and shining it's dim light upon the earth. The scent of the ocean and the smell of white and yellow ginger wafts its way through the tropical air.

This is the most peaceful time of my day. I sit and ponder my mood and the ever changing circumstances of my life.

Most times, I think, "There has to be more to life than clocking in everyday."
"Surely, I was NOT born on this planet to push meaningless paperwork."

I was born to write and to create art with words on a page. I say that with extreme confidence that I am here to tell the stories that are inside of me. I was born to share my hurts and my pains, my struggles and my triumphs, my happiness and my joy. And I was made to do it in a way that is captured so genuinely and arrives on the page from someplace deep inside me, touched by the goddess within.

Every morning is like the previous, after the darkest night, the cock begins to crow announcing the imminent arrival of the morning sun. Both near and off in the distance, the rooster's bark pierces the silence of the morning. My coffee has cooled to a comfortable warmth and its stout bitterness is actually sweet on my tongue. My peaceful meditation returns to thoughts of the precarious situation called my life. In recent months, every pondering has become a struggle to understand the many changes happening to me and around me. I am in a position to make my life everything I want it to be. As exciting as that may seem, it frightens me. It calls for me to be more courageous than I have ever needed to be. The changes force me to stand erect and move in the direction of my destiny, alone, with no one to hold my hand through the painful process of CHANGE.

Seconds turn into minutes. Minutes into hours. As I look toward the east, the dark of night begins to vanish. Slowly, ever so gently, the heavens illuminate the coming of the sun. I can see a glowing ball of fire slowly breach the ocean horizon. The sun's rays turn the heavens into brilliant hues of pink and orange against the purple of the fading night. I am always silenced and awestruck by the beauty of the rising sun upon the Pacific horizon. Even as a young girl, my summer mornings were spent waking early to witness this event. Every day I knew the sun would rise and the darkness would disappear.

The world begins to come alive with sound. Several varieties of birds chirp and sing in a loud array of harmonies. They share beautiful songs of gratitude to accent the awakening earth. Ocean breezes stir the palm trees. Humans begin to stir as I start to hear the whirr sound of cars on the road. I hear my neighbors bustling in their driveways as car doors begin to open and engines start revving. And the light chatter from sleepy children and sleepier parents add to the sounds of the awakening world.

Today, unlike any other day prior, I can see my purpose so clear. It is a brand new day and a new era in the world of NeenaLove. My soul can feel my ancestors gently prodding me into the light of the morning sun. Previous lifetimes have groomed me for this moment and I welcome these changes with new courage. The heartbreak of my past will fade like the night and my sun will rise in glorious brilliance on the life that I was destined to live.

Thursday, March 09, 2017

Independent of WE


No one sees my mind the way you do
You see into my soul
Into my heart

Above all, I can be me whenever I am with you
The me that no one in the world can see but you
There are no misconceptions of who I am
Because I am my most genuine when I am with you
I hide nothing

Even now as we traverse separate trials
Our honesty with each other
Our vulnerability
Our connection
Our concern for each other
Our genuine affection
It is all very important to me
And so precious

Yet our symbiotic relationship is just that - so intertwined
And I have a difficult time hearing my own voice
Hearing my own thoughts that are independent of WE
And however I move forward
And however you move forward
Must be independent of WE

WE will always have this connection
And maybe one day we will find each other again
In love
In passionate love
It will be the right time
Without the hurt of our yesterdays
creeping up into our todays

But first, I will work on me
You will work on you
Independent of WE






Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Missing Him : Angels Cry Edition


I have been missing him so much.

My longing for him came out of nowhere. I thought I had conquered our divorce and yet memories of the good times crept up on me the other evening.

I cried myself to sleep thinking about how much love we had between us. I am still in shock and disbelief that we walked away from 13 years of marriage. When I give my heart away, I love so hard and I am so loyal. Even now, I find myself traversing the single life but longing to be with just him. And yet I know that he and I will never be again. I am trying, with much difficulty, to even want to be single again. Dating and getting to know new people is difficult when I have come from a relationship that was laden with trust, respect, and love (minus the year before we divorced).

My dear father has been priceless in my transition from married woman to single. He is so wise even though he is a man of very few words. I can hear what he doesn't say based on his reactions to my ramblings. He reassures me that I made my ex a better man.

I stood by him when he deployed to the Middle East. I wrote him every single day and sent him care packages the whole time. That's my duty as a wife, right? No one else wrote him. When we parted, I took all those letters back. Those are my words. I stood by him when he was doing battle with the U.S. Army. I tap danced to his beat; whatever he needed me to do I did without questioning him. When he finally separated from the military, he wanted to move to Hawaii and I wanted to move to Georgia. Guess where we went? Hawaii. I assisted him through his Bachelor and Masters Degrees. I take no credit for the work he did -- it was ALL him but I do acknowledge that I stood by him through it.

Why does a man walk away from a woman so loyal? Maybe I'm a little too "alpha" for him. Did my behavior or actions emasculate him in some way? I don't know. I will never know. What I do know is that I cried myself to sleep the other night just missing his presence. His beauty. His strength. His quiet confidence. His warm body next to mine. I tear up when I think of all the beautiful things he was to me. I don't know what I did wrong and it messes with me because he is the second man to leave me. It stirs up old feelings of inadequacy that happened with my first marriage. And I, for the life of me, cannot figure out where I am going wrong in a marriage.

I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to say that I will never love again because I will and I want to love again. What I don't want is to take any of my current baggage from both marriages into new love. Perhaps I am much stronger than I was before my heart was shattered... twice. But maybe I'm way more cautious or suspect of men who desire my attention and affection. I don't want to be that bitter girl that questions a man's intentions toward me. And maybe some are just getting at me to be a convenient physical companion and that's okay, I suppose. But my body is just the bonus because my real value is in my soft heart, my ever-curious mind, and my deep-seated soul. Maybe some will dig and stick around long enough to explore me but most will not. Yet I will remain who I am and become the best me in every single moment.

As I traverse single life, I want to proceed with wild abandon. Even though I miss him and the memory of our love crosses my mind often, I have to look forward to new love and new relationships. God willing, it will be a love so magical and filled with genuine and sincere affection that it will transcend lifetimes.I would have never chosen to split from someone that I had spent so much of my years with. If it were up to me, I would have remained loyal to him all the days of my life. True love is a gift.




I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces, curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all, remember we
Used to touch the sky
And lightning don't strike
The same place twice, when you and I
Said goodbye I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift,
But we let it drift in a storm
Every night I feel the angels cry 
-Mariah Carey