Video Podcast : Episode 7 : Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

VIDEO: Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

I was so inspired by a YouTube video featuring Lisa Nichols where she talked about her rise to living her dream.

In my evolution, I am hungry to change the circumstances of my life. I am increasingly aware that if I want a different result then I need to do something different in every moment. My vision board is a bunch of post-its on my wall. The post-its have due dates, specific scenarios, meeting and speaking with certain people, and bank balances that I will manifest. In all my 43 years, I have attempted the typical collage-style vision board with pictures and that just didn't work for me. I love my post-its and I love my handwriting. I have excellent penmanship and there's just a connection between my mind and the actual writing of the vision of my life. Every day I want to add more.

As I make this transition, I realize that I have a lot of hang-ups and emotional things that have held me back for so long. Leaving Hawai'i and my old job was one of the ways I let go of things that are not authentically me anymore. So often we let life move us along. I was so used to reacting to things instead of being actively engaged in choosing the life I want to live. That's not me anymore.

A little over a year ago, I was melting down. I was riding in the car with my older brother telling him how trapped I felt. It was like my divorce had begun to peel away layers of my life that no longer served me. At that time, I had just watched that Steve Harvey clip where he talks about taking risks and doing the thing you love doing. My brother is driving and I am crying my eyes out talking about how my life is not what I had envisioned for myself. The future seemed bleak if I continued on the path that I was on - trapped by a job that forced me to comply with their strict code of conduct and my heart so weathered and broken. I was doing the ugly cry and my brother said, "Then jump! It's time to jump!" He set my mind at ease by addressing all of my concerns that were holding me back. In that moment, I decided to JUMP. 

Deciding to JUMP was the easy part. Undoing all the years of negative self-talk has proved to be the real challenge. I am a positive person to everyone else but myself. I can talk someone up and shiny them up for the world but I have a difficult time in talking myself up. Every day I make a conscious effort to say, 

"I can do this." 

"I got this." 

"I am brave and courageous." 

"I am talented." 

"I am loved."

Whether it's social or cultural conditioning that has made me only focus on the things that I'm not so good at, I want to end that practice now. I am going to celebrate all of the good things about me and walk in my most perfect truth. You should too. When we are sure of who we are, nothing anyone says matters. You take that power back from whoever or whatever you gave it to. Own your life decisions and actively engage in creating the life you want.

I don't care anymore about the criticisms of small-minded people. And some of my closest friends clown my attempt to change the circumstances of my life. I really don't need that type of negativity in my life so I keep my distance. I want to be surrounded by people who have achieved the things that I want to achieve. I want to be surrounded by people who are cheering me on and assisting me on my rise.

The morning I let go of the guilt surrounding my shortcomings as a daughter. If you watched the video, this will make sense to you.

Video Podcast 6 : My BFF Speaks

I am here to share the collective story of humanity. Every single person we meet and greet has a story that defines them.

I spent my birthday weekend with my BFF in Maryland and thought it was a perfect opportunity to get her in front of my camera to tell her story. People are so interesting. Life experiences shape us and mold us into who we are in every moment. I know her very well - her hurts, her trials, her childhood, her broken hearts, her joys, her triumphs. I know how far she's come and the hurdles she's overcome to get to where she is. It is no small feat. We have all traveled tough roads. The way we overcome the trials and elevate ourselves is to be celebrated. 

I will always see the best in people, at least I will always strive for that. When I hear someone's story, even if it's painful, I see how it has changed them and made them better. Even my own story of my life is fraught with broken hearts and yet, everyday I want to love and be loved. A broken heart will never stop me from giving love. And the energy that comes when you meet someone special cannot be manufactured. It's either there or it's not. 

I am, without apology, a hopeless romantic. 

I believe that everything is beautiful and everything has purpose. 

I believe that people are good.

I believe that everyone is capable of doing everything their heart desires.

I believe that the hurt we experience pushes us to be better and more compassionate.

I believe that love is every human soul's deepest desire.

I believe that love will find me again. Whole and complete.

And though I miss the loves that have left my life, I anticipate the beauty of the love that waits for me, that is searching for me too. The most beautiful sentiment I received on my birthday was posted on my FaceBook page.

"Happiest Birthday to this Tender Roni! 

You have taught all of us who know your heart 

how to be fearless in love."

Tender Roni was my "thing" in high school. I was a Bobby Brown fan and I used to say, "My name is Roni, Bobby's heart belongs to me." I would write it all over my school books and all my doodling from high school. But her perception of me... that I am teaching people to be fearless in LOVE. That's me! All day! 

I cannot say if my current love interest will break my heart tomorrow or in 13 years (like my ex did) but I am fearless. I am not afraid of the broken heart that may come in the future because I am going to cherish every single moment for as long as he will be mine. And I will not stop my heart from feeling the way that it does because he might break it in the future. No. I choose happiness now, without fear, without apology. And if this happiness extends into forever then so be it. Whatever troubles may come our way, I am fearless and I will stand by him through every storm and every joy. Love is!

Video Podcast Episode 2 : Sad Songs Say So Much: Grief and Acceptance

My "Sad Songs Say So Much" playlist on YouTube.

You can dig through my blog and find all types of posts about love and heartache. It's amazing how free I am with information about my life. I write to let go of the emotions and to sort through the issues. I share it here because someone might be able to hear something in my thoughts that might help them through it. One thing is certain, I am no relationship expert but I could possibly be a champion of overcoming heartache.

In the days following the announcement that my ex wanted a divorce, I had never felt such agony before or since. I will never forget specific moments where I thought I would just die. Everything was so uncertain. Was he serious about this or was this a temporary situation? What happens next? Do we continue to live together? Is he cheating? There were just endless questions. I felt so lost and alone even being surrounded by family and friends. There are times, even now, where I still feel all alone.

In the ugly of my break up, it was very difficult to start my day. I couldn't even see thirty minutes ahead of me. I didn't eat. I drank a lot to soothe me, to numb me, to avoid dealing with the present. I teetered between sadness and extreme rage. I wanted to break things. I wanted to punch and kick the rage out of me so I went to the gym a lot. That helped me get my appetite back as well as work through my rage issues. My friends wanted to hunt him down and destroy his truck. Some days I entertained the thought and we would ride with bats in the car and sugar for his gas tank. We never did do it. I could never knowingly destroy something like that. And besides, my name was still on his truck.

As you make your way through heartache or loss, DO NOT hold it in. You don't have to be strong. Take some time to be alone and grieve through it. Feel all of the emotion and move into acceptance. This is not an easy process but who you evolve into is entirely up to you.

I have learned so much through this process, more than I did from my first marriage and divorce. I have discovered so many things about myself. I acknowledge my flaws in the demise of my marriage. I own the things that I could have done better and vow to turn those weaknesses into strengths for the next man that shares my world. I have learned patience and to trust that whatever is ahead of me is for me. I feel my star rising, whatever that means... I feel it deeply. I have practiced forgiveness on several occasions in my life and this is one event that has forced me to put it into practice again. And I gladly do so because I do not want the ghosts of the past to haunt my tomorrows. I don't want to be bitter and angry because that is not who I am.

I still prepare to be enchanted by life and love and all the beautiful things in the universe. I know that love will find me again and when it does, it will be full and complete and blissful. This is what I want for you too, Dear Reader, that your heart will heal when you grieve and accept what IS.

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Someone Waiting Home

I traveled to Las Vegas recently with my best friend. We have both had a rough couple of years with separate life trials. A Girl's Trip seemed an appropriate way to, sort of, decompress. She just went through 18 months of dealing with her young son having cancer. Thankfully, he is in remission. Me, of course, I am dealing with the divorce from my husband of thirteen years. Aside from the wonderful activities we engaged in, from shopping and gambling to attending world-class shows, much of our time was spent talking through our pent up emotions. The really deep discussions always ended up with both of us sobbing our eyes out. And actually the joyous conversations, where we celebrated our small triumphs, also ended in tears - of happiness of course.

At the end of our trip, as we made our way to separate gates, I thought to myself that she's overflowing with love (after a much needed getaway) and she gets to go home to a family that's anticipating her arrival. For a quick second I felt sorry for myself as I had no one waiting at home for me. There was no one to pick me up from the airport. There was no one that was missing me and waiting for me to come home. At the end of my journey was an empty bed and no one to share all the fun experiences I had in Vegas. There are perks to being single and being completely free to operate without permission from another person, however the perks are sometimes unfulfilling. I hope that when I do find someone who loves me the same way that I love, that he will never stifle my desire to be free.

My ex and I was texting the other day and he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said, "YES." I was surprised at how emotional I became with our conversation. He said he was not seeing anyone and reminded me how he always used to say that if we didn't work out that he would be done with relationships. And we did always say that. I said I would never marry again if we ever split NEVER thinking that we would ever split. I thought he was my forever. I didn't have a Plan B. I don't have a Plan B. I'm figuring it out every single day.

ME: I never wanted to be alone in life. I don't like being alone.
HIM: I just do
ME: To each his own. It's rough trying to get to know someone new. I'm too old for this.
HIM: Yea that's why I don't.
ME: I like being a wife.
HIM: You about to get married?
ME: No. Hell no. I'm just saying I like being a wife.

And there, that last statement explains it all.

I do like being a wife. The clearly defined roles in a relationship from the past are changing or have changed. Most modern women shy away from the domestic duties that come with relationships. I enjoy it. Serving my home is how I show my love. My love is big, It's generous. It's loyal. And I only want to share that with one person. I don't want to spread myself out even though that seems to be the trend of the dating world. In return, however, I want the same big love and loyalty and genuine affection.

As I boarded the plane in Las Vegas with the final destination being Charlotte, North Carolina, the only thing I could think of is the empty home waiting for me. And this season that I'm in, unmarried and childless, I suppose is my time to chase and achieve every single dream I have ever dreamed. There is nothing holding me back except myself. I resolved, on that flight, to not sit in self-pity because my home is empty. I resolved to fill it with all my hopes and all my dreams and with pure, self-love. I vowed to use this time, use the pain of a broken heart to push me into a life bigger than I can currently imagine for myself. My home is full of love because my heart is full of love and though my heart is a little banged up right now, I still BELIEVE in love! And why do I still believe in and search for love even after experiencing so much heart ache? In all the ways a person loves and seeks love, what is the thing that makes the pursuit of it all worthwhile?

Home. I want HIM to feel like home.

#1yearLater

A year ago I was stuck on the side of the road in Nowhere, South Carolina (not a real town). I had struck a deer in my rental car and I was unable to continue my drive to the coast. A seemingly random event that, all things considered, was really just a random event has actually changed the course of my life. I look back at a year ago and the heavy heart that I carried around with me. I was newly divorced, had a really bad experience with an ex over the 2016 Christmas holiday, and was in such a bad place. The open roads of Georgia and South Carolina called to me. I needed the time and the space and the open road to just think and ponder how I would lift myself out of the dark place I was in.

I flew from Honolulu, Hawai'i to Atlanta, Georgia. I had not planned to hang with family in Georgia but I selected Georgia specifically because I had family nearby. I like having the comfort of knowing that people I can count on could be called in the case of an emergency. I was searching for something, anything, to make my heart happy again. My intention was to find that place in me through the silence of the dark roads and the seemingly endless open highway. As I picked up my rental car, I selected to travel east, south east to the eastern shores of South Carolina and Georgia. I wanted to look out onto the Atlantic Ocean to see if maybe I could find a new ocean to love - far away from the Pacific.

I have a love affair with the ocean. I will never stop loving the ocean and the feeling of being submerged in its waters. The Pacific, though, reminded me of all the good times I have had with the two loves of my life - both are ex-husbands now - and I just wanted to run away. Run far away from the place that I loved so much. I was hungry for new experiences and new places. I wanted to let my hair down and find the authentic me that was so caged up in Hawai'i. I wanted to run away from the pain and the hurt that I felt at the hands of my newly single ex-husband. I wanted to love him forever and I suppose a part of me always will but I needed to run away.

5:30 p.m. I pull out of the Atlanta-Hartsfield airport and make my way to I20-E. I drove for hours and hours through Augusta, GA through Columbia, SC. As I made my way toward Myrtle Beach, I pulled off the interstate and onto the lonely county highways. It was dark, so very dark, and I found myself so lost in the sadness and grief that was my life. Nothing like a broken heart to bring a person face to face with all of their flaws and brokenness. I felt alone.

I was just an hour away from Myrtle Beach when I hit the deer. It took hours for the tow truck to get to us because I was in such an isolated location. My cell phone didn't work, the State Trooper took about thirty minutes to get to me. The whole experience had brought me to my knees and illuminated all of my hurt places - not physical hurt but the emotional broken down places inside of me. The tow truck took me to the nearest town and dropped me off at a hotel where I checked in to hunker down for the night.

And then I met someone.

The electric between him and I was thick and so tangible. There is no way to duplicate that kind of fireworks and that kind of chemistry. I am still at a loss when I think of that evening. A seemingly random event like hitting a deer and wrecking my car has changed the course of my life.

Fast forward one year and here I am in South Carolina. I am settled in and about to buy a house on my own. It's all rather bittersweet for me because I have been married for all of my adult life, it seems. I have always had a partner to help me make decisions, especially the big ones like buying a house. There was always someone to share financial responsibility for the household. And here I am doing it all.by.myself. But this is what I wanted - new adventures, new beginnings, and that is the life I have chosen for myself.

And that someone that I met?

The conversation has been ongoing since that fated evening. #1yearLater

HeartBreak + Forklifting

Today was rough for me. Actually, the last couple of days have been rough. So many thoughts in my mind... needing to get my mind and heart right to move forward in life and not feel so weighed down. I just want to come out from beneath the grey skies. I was doing good for a minute but certain events in recent weeks just put me over the edge to where I can't ignore the conflict in my heart. After much contemplation, I have concluded that I need to do what's right for me and only me. I cannot be concerned with anyone else.

This morning, one single song triggered a host of memories that I just could not ignore. Bonnie Raitt, I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME. It took me back to 2001 when my first husband and I were separating. We divorced in 2003. I was taken back to the last time we made love before we parted ways. I knew he was leaving me and had known for weeks before he finally departed.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

I had probably been very melodramatic leading up to our actual separation. How do I say goodbye to the only man that I had ever loved? How can he leave me and break my heart with little regard for me? Why was my love not enough to keep him here with me?

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

I remember him kissing me. It always lead to making love. I absolutely loved that about us. We had a very compatible sex drive. This time was different than any other time because I knew this was goodbye. I think about that time in my life and just can't help but sob like a baby. I feel every single emotion I felt way back then. Even after all these years, I just can't shake those raw emotions and it seems even more intense now. It's funny how that works. I will NEVER get over my first love. NEVER. There will always be unfinished business between us. 

So this morning, as I am experiencing all these feelings all over again, I was crying like a baby. My eyes were swollen and red from the tears that just would not stop. I was falling to pieces. In the nick of time, one of my besties pulls up to save me from myself. She takes one look at me, her eyes narrow, and she says, "Who did it?" She tells me to get dressed. As is typical with me, whenever I'm stressed, I go right to work. Apparently she was having a melt down also and needed to get some physical activity.

We made our way to our job site about 45 minutes away and we put in work. We moved large items around. It required the forklift and thanks to my diverse resume, I know how to drive a forklift. Doing physical labor always helps me forget stuff that bothers me. Today was no exception. By 7:30 in the evening, we were spent and found ourselves pigging out at the local Mexican restaurant. Physical labor and sweat makes for good therapy. I am so grateful for my sister-friend who saw my bat signal and came to my rescue.


#NeenaLoveDrives
@ NorthShoreLiquidation

Happy, Even

This morning I feel as light as a feather.

As many of my blog followers know, I have been working on my first novel. I have started several novels before, wrote the first chapter then just stopped. But this one, the one I'm working on now, has so much fuel and fire on it that I have no option but to write, write, and finish it. I have taken out my old journals for inspiration so that I can push through the writing. I have an aggressive goal of completing the first draft by the end of April. This would mean that I have to write about 10,000 words per week. If I write six days a week, that's about 1,700 words a day. Aggressive, I know! I am already behind so there is a lot of catching up to do this week. If I combined what I write in my handwritten journal with this blog and what I add to my novel, I would kill the 1,700-words-per-day goal.

So why do I feel light as a feather today?

Well, I pulled out my journals the other day to make my second video on my YouTube Channel. (I posted the video of me talking about my journals.) I decided to read my journals for inspiration and let me tell you the emotion was coming off the page. I cried and sobbed as I read. And it was THE UGLY cry, the stutter cry with stuff coming out of my nose and tears flowing from my eyes. It was not pretty.

Everyone gets one first love. Mine happens to be my first husband. So much of who I am today was shaped because of that first love and the heartbreak of that first love. We have been through so much together and in some of my hardest times, he was the only one standing with me. I knew I loved him when we had our first real conversation. And my love is true ride-or-die love. I don't have any quit in me. Reading the journals was like revisiting the hurt because of my devotion to that man. At the end of our relationship, he really had nothing left for me. No affection. No love. No care for me. Reading through those emotions and events of unrequited love really sent me into a crying fit.

Last night I sent a facebook message to him with some of the journal entries that I had read. He did not recall treating me so cruelly and perhaps he did not think he was doing that. But since I was on the receiving end of his inability to show me love, I am the teller of the story. He allowed me to express my hurt. I cried and cried as I read and wrote those words to him. It was like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt that pain again, expressed it to the man that I had once loved with complete abandon, and then I let it go.

You may wonder why I am dealing with my first husband. I believe much of my current issues has to do with that first heartbreak. As I revamp my life and reinvent me, I'm taking my hurt alllll the way back to when I first felt my heart break and that was with my first husband. When I've healed from that I will make my way forward to my current divorce. Of course it messes with me that two men left me in my short 41 years. I can't say why nor do I understand it at the present moment. I don't know what I do that is deplorable to them that they cannot stay committed to the relationship. What I know is that I am a damn good woman even if they cannot see my value. I move forward with so many lessons learned and no love lost. I am still as excited about love as I have always been. New love. Butterflies in my belly. Bring on that crazy kinda love that sets off fireworks in my soul. I'm ready!

I know there is much healing ahead of me and that this will probably not be my last cry session. But for today I feel great. Light as a feather. Happy, even.

I Don't Need to Rehash a Damn Thing

Dear Ex,

You cannot come into my life when you're feeling some kind of way just to get things off your chest. I don't need texts like this in the morning:
Neena...not to rehash, but your a great person.. great wife and the more I think about I realize we can both be free do to pursue our OWN goals. It really wasn't about you. Just so you know

I really don't need texts like that to color my day. If I had the courage right now, I would tell you to stop texting me and yet I hold on, hoping that maybe one day you might want me back. But I don't even know if that's what I want. Do I want to live in the gray area that we've been in for the last couple of years? No! I want to feel my blood coursing through my veins, hot and flaming and never fall into a funk where I forgot the woman I am.

So, before you send off a text where you are trying to make yourself feel better about breaking my heart - DON'T! I don't need to hear it. I don't need to rehash anything. I have made peace with your leaving and I never want to rehash any of these feelings of heartache again. Not from you. Not from anyone who has ever broken my heart. You don't get to do a do-over with me.

The way you treated me when you told me you wanted a divorce and the immediate days after our break up was probably the worst thing I have ever experienced (aside from the loss of my mother). The way you made it seem like I was the enemy still makes my stomach turn when I think about it. I know that I am a damn good woman and a damn good wife. You treated me like I was some skank off the street trying to trap you, like I did something wrong to you. When I cried throughout this process, you looked at me with such disgust that even now I am amazed that you ever loved me.

So, don't text me with your guilty conscience texts. I don't want to hear your regret or your mantra trying to convince yourself that divorcing me is the best thing for both of us. Since we did it, we might as well keep moving ahead. Trust me when I say that you will NEVER have the opportunity to be with me again. EVER. And it's not because I don't love you because Lord knows I do. It's because of how you treated me in those final days. Call me bitter. Call me whatever you want. Just know that I am so done with you!

Love,


NeenaLove

Like any uncharted territory

I must seem greatly intriguing

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

But this is not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

I don't think you worthy

I need a moment to deliberate

Chasm of Sorrow

Today is hard.
Today I am sad.

I was hopeful yesterday but today, today I am hopeless.

I love so deeply and so loyally that when betrayal arrives at my door, I feel broken.

I wish I could crawl back into bed, put a sheet over my head, and make the world go away. I wish I could sleep peacefully without the worries of tomorrow pulsing in my brain. Yet I don't think it is worry that keeps me awake but a loss of the expectation of what I thought my life would be like.

Tomorrow has changed significantly.
Tomorrow is a blur.

I cry when I'm alone.
Mourning.
Grieving.
Wishing things could be different.

I feel numb in the waking hours.
Insistent that this is just a nightmare and that I will wake from its grip.

My heart is breaking and I can do nothing but feel it intensely.
I am falling so helplessly down a chasm of sorrow.
And all I want is to feel joy again.

Fifty Shades... of Break Ups

I just completed the audiobook of Fifty Shades of Grey. I have to say that I didn't care too much for all the sex in the book and the BDSM actions. It was overkill. I did, however, enjoy the characters of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. None of the trailers or movies shorts on YouTube even come close to how I imagined the two characters. Anyway, **spoiler alert** throughout the book I was supremely irritated by Ana's naivete and Christian's mysteriousness. By the end of the book, though, I was rooting for both of them and hurting at the same time. I was so broken up. Ana's fall for Christian was so genuine. It reminded me of how I fell head over heels in love with my ex-husband, which of course led to our eventual break-up. By the end of Fifty Shades of Grey I was shedding tears over these fictitious characters and remembering the difficulty of falling in and out of love and dealing with the hard stuff of learning to trust someone else.

As soon as I arrived home from work, I dug out my journals from the years when my ex-husband and I were separated. I started reading and began crying as I read. I remember the feeling of not being needed by the man who I had given my heart to, with complete and utter abandon. Without going into a long and detailed explanation of our twisted relationship, the short story is that we separated after four years of marriage. He left me.You can dig in my blog archives for stuff that I've written about our ill-fated romance.

*****
DATE: 24 September 2002 (we had been separated more than a year)

I just wish my husband were here to make it all go away. But he's the other part of my emptiness. I still feel like I'm chasing him.

So what becomes of a faithful woman whose ONLY hunger is passionate, unconditional love? I tell him that I'll be here, waiting for him. But my life is just passing me by. When does it come back to me? I used to think that love could flourish with one person doing all the loving but it can't. To do that would be AGAINST the laws of nature. I need him to love me back the way I NEED to be loved and not the way he knows how. 

This year has been quite a struggle. I cry 2-3 times a week over this crazy love. And it doesn't affect him. Nothing I desire sways him EVER in my direction. Shane(fake name) wants what he wants when he wants it. I can't change that. I can't change him. I don't know if I mourn this strange love affair or... if I'm letting him go. I'm uncomfortable with both options. 

I just want to feel special. He doesn't make me feel special like it was when we first met. But even then, Shane had his walls up. I love him so much. I miss him like crazy. But I want it all. Don't I deserve it all?
*****

Break-ups are so hard. Going through my journal brings up all kinds of feelings. I have so much compassion on the person I used to be and who I am today is because I was that woman that suffered from unrequited love.

*****
DATE: 2 October 2002

My husband and I need to have a talk. I feel less than appreciated. I think he has stopped loving me. I'm a different woman than the one he left one year, one month, nine days, and three hours ago. I don't want half-a-commitment. I don't want to have to worry about him EVER leaving me...again. I don't want another birthday to pass unnoticed. I don't want to spend another Christmas apart. I don't EVER want to be alone on our wedding anniversary again. EVER!

What am I gonna do? There is an answer SOMEWHERE!!! Every time he needs a break from me, is he going to leave me? Is EVERYTHING ALWAYS my fault? I don't think he knows how much love I have for him. If he did, would he STILL treat me this way? And why do I have all this love for him when he gives me no reason. How do I know he loves me back?

Why do I continue to hold on when there is nothing in return?

He's supposed to be my best friend and some of these crucial feelings I'm afraid to share with him. Actually most of them. I try really hard to NOT feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job. But I'm tired of nagging myself to demand the love I need and deserve.

So many times throughout the day I see something that INSTANTLY reminds me of my husband. Could be the way someone smokes a cigarette. Could be a bald head. Or the way someone walks... and I think about him. 
*****

A Tribute for Baby Casen: Tyrayl's Song

A dear friend of mine, Neta, lost her son today. He was born a month or two ago with Spina Bifida. Baby Casen donned his angel wings today and I wanted to post this in his honor.

I wrote the lyrics to this song back in 1991 and another dear friend of mine, Omi, put it to music.  I wrote it when another dear friend, Jenika, lost her son a month after his birth. In 1991, we were just juniors in high school when Jenika bore her first child. We were all there in the hospital when Baby Tyrayl took his last breath. It was very peaceful.... but still so very sad. Hearing the news today that Neta lost Baby Casen made me think of Baby Tyrayl. (A group of us sang this at his memorial service.)

I love my friends. I'm grateful for all of them in my life. Though I don't have children of my own and I could probably never understand a mother's love, I ache and hurt for my friends who have lost a child. **Sending love to Neta in Pensacola, Florida**

* * * * * * * * * * 

Tyrayl's Song

Mom and Dad, will you remember me?
Mom and Dad, will you still be mine?
Although my time on earth on is done
I will still love you and always will

Mom and Dad, will I see you again?
Mom and Dad, will I feel your touch?
Please be strong until the end
I will wait for you, til we meet again

Chorus:
Dear Father, hear my plea (hear my plea)
Please bless my mom and dad
Give them strength to understand
This is our Savior's plan

Bridge:
Firm and strong, I will be someday
For you to love and hold I pray
I will always live in your memory
So just close your eyes and I'll be there
(Repeat Chorus)

* * * * * * * * * *

Rest In Eternal Love Baby Casen!

Email and Dad

My father has figured out how to forward emails.

I find his new skill to be endearing because my INBOX is now filled with fluffy, sentimental, feel-good stories of firemen assisting a kid dying of leukemia; funny stories about the state, beavers, and dam permits; laugh-out-loud stories about atheist's in the woods and Christian bears; yes, there's a pile of email in my INBOX from my dad. If it were from anyone else, I'd probably delete the email before reviewing it because I'm sure I've read the stories before. I can't count how many times people have sent me the same story. Yet, because they come from my father, I treat them as if they are all Hallmark cards and I tear up incessantly as I read them.

My father and I have always been really close. Even when I was doing things that were contrary to my upbringing, he was always very patient as I went through the hard stuff. His quiet wisdom still inspires me even though we are so far apart. There's just something about little girl's and their father's. There is no relationship on earth that can replace or mimic it. Sometimes I wish I never grew up. I wish that I could spend all my day's serving my parents but at some point, we all have to face the world on our own.

I will continue to open those sentimental emails. I will continue to imagine my father, sitting at the desk, reading them before he sends them to me. And I will imagine that I am right there in Hau'ula, where I wish I could spend all the days of my life.

Unravelling: Where Culture's Clash

Today is my sixth wedding anniversary. Last year, I made a little slide show in honor of the event. This year I'm not feeling as full of love and sentiment as I usually am. My moods are a funny thing. On the surface, the fire of my love cannot be questioned yet at the core of me is a desire to please myself. Me and only me rather than the marriage relationship.

At times I feel like my life is lived for other people. To maintain this eternal pair, my marriage, have my husband and I given up portions of ourselves? (Of course we have.) I think of the loyalty I feel toward my parents and how serving them til my dying day is so much a part of my culture and a part of who I was raised to be. Yet the eternal pairing, my marriage, stands in direct conflict with that portion of my culture. My husband, father of two children with two different mothers (neither of them me), has matured to the point where he wants to be totally involved with the children's lives. Yet I haven't come to terms with the implications of the relationships and the roles I am suddenly asked to take on. Taking on the "step-mother" role, am I sacrificing my loyalty to my parents? Can I be of service to both my parents and my marriage/ family?

Perhaps, this is the biggest conflict of having had to move to the continent. As I dissect the landscape of my mind and the roles I am required to take on, I find that my two worlds are colliding. My role as a Polynesian daughter versus my role as an American wife and "step-mother". **sigh** I am having a tough time reconciling myself and finding the balance that serves my desire to be of relevance to my parents and (at the same time) to my husband.

Moving to the continent has put a serious strain on how I view my husband and our marriage. I feel as if my desires have been placed on the back burner so that he can play "daddy". Yet I knew that this was the lot I was choosing when we married six years ago. When I married, I knew that I was (almost) forsaking my family for my husband. I just didn't know that it would be at the cost of giving up very important portions of who I am. My desire to NOT be on the continent, at times, is greater than my desire to be in love.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly. He has grown in so many ways. I've watched him mature considerably. Yet I wonder sometimes if this is the point in our lives to which we needed to escort each other to and at which point we begin growing apart. **sigh** The differing cultures causes such a strain.

Happy Sixth Anniversary -- may the Creator find it necessary for us to remain together for all our days. Create in me a desire to hold on to this precious marriage contract. Make this last FOREVER! This is just me purging some of this negative vibrations inside of me. Tomorrow will be better since I let this out into the atmosphere. I love my husband! I really do!

All Mental!

I just haven't been at my best these past couple of days. I wonder sometimes if I am one of "those people" they talk about on the CYMBALTA commercials... the ones that stop being interested in life. I sometimes think that most of my creative works, whether it be a beautiful photograph or a truly moving literary piece or whatever creative work I accomplish, is done when I'm way down in the dumps. Even when I do a special musical number, I find that it's when I'm saddest, when I'm furthest from hope and love, is when I truly sing with full emotion. It's like I have to feel this overwhelming sadness to pull from the depths of my soul an expression of extreme creativity.

I've been having a crappy week. Most times I pretend that everything is okay and I mask the sadness, the unhappy feelings, and all the pain behind a smile. I know I'll make it through the rut that I'm in but for right now, I'm sad. Maybe it's the phases of the moon or the position of my womanly cycle that has me so down and out. I really don't know. What I do know is that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will definitely be better than today.

This move that we're making from a paradisiacal mecca to Alabama, U.S.A. is stressing me out! I'm frazzled! I wonder if other people experience this much trauma in making a move. I never used to be like this. What's wrong with me? I know it's the right thing to do but I want it to be on my terms. **heavy sigh**

Husband is not really helping me through the grieving process of letting go of my island home. So many of the things he says I interpret to be hurtful and downright mean. That makes me even more upset because he intentionally says things to hurt me. That is a line I don't cross when he and I are arguing. It's unbearable! I just get so tired of it. Everytime we argue, the first words out of his mouth is, "I'm divorcing you." I don't know if any of you have experienced the whole divorce thing but I'd rank it pretty high up there in degree of pain. And it flows so freely from his lips.

I'm at my wits end. I'm just tired. I'm tired of the arguing and the fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not appreciated by the man who purports to love me through eternity. I'm stressed and just thoroughly uninterested in what tomorrow brings. That is sooo not me in my regular life. Today is not my regular life.

I can totally understand why a person turns to drugs to deal with pain. It's easier to just "check out" on life and allow the drugs to lead you, rather than have to do the day to day. I think about a joint so often that I'm afraid if someone waved it in my face, I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat. But I've committed to myself to take care of my body temple and nurture it, rather than abuse it.

Tomorrow is another day and it will arrive whether I want it to or not. The same problems and pains that are here today will be there tomorrow. I only hope that I can find HOPE when I rise in the morning. It's all mental or am I mental?

Heaven Help Me

My husband and I have been arguing for days about where we want to live. I could die the happiest woman in the world, if I could live out the rest of my days in Hawai'i, but not without my husband. And... well.... husband doesn't want to live not one more year on this rock that sits in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I always knew that this day would come, that I'd have to bid farewell to my island home. It is definitely here, sitting at my doorstep, invading my life.

I wish I was like I was when I was younger... sometimes. At any given time, I could be packed and ready to go in an hour. Ready to go anywhere the wind would blow me. I'm not like that anymore. I don't want to uproot... AGAIN... to start out somewhere else. I don't want to leave my family or the comforts of being home. I don't want to leave the beautiful ocean and the emerald-green mountains. I wish I could live all my days right here, in this special place. (Well, it's special to me!)

I've just been crying myself to sleep every night. When I think about leaving, I cry, even if I'm seated at my desk at work. And I don't know what's different about me now, that makes me so emotionally connected to this place. It's different. Maybe I'm more mature now and appreciate everything around me. I miss my family already and I miss them all equally. I'm going to miss all of my brothers football games and I so wanted to be here for them. I won't be able to see my beautiful nieces and handsome nephew grow up. I won't be able to have conversations with my parents or my brother and sister-in-law. I miss all of that already! If and when I do bear children, they will never know this place the way I do. They'll just be visitors in a strange land.

I want to petition the heavens on my behalf, to allow me the privilege of living in Hawai'i for all of my mortal days but that would be selfish of me. Both of my husbands' children live on the mainland and I can't compete. I have not stopped crying. I can't seem to focus on the positive. Heaven help me! What are the positives?

Hawai'i Aloha

I spent the weekend in Maui without my laptop. Thanks to my handy cell-phone, I twittered my bunz off and updated my facebook profile often.

Maui is so gorgeous. It used to be my favorite island but it lost some of its charm with all it's recent housing developments and strip malls. I didn't get to visit as many places as I had wanted to since I was on the island to help at a Youth Conference. This was not a leisure visit. I am glad, however, that I was able to hang out in Iao(pronounced ee-yow) Valley. That was probably the highlight of my stay there.

The many tourists that trample the valley contrasts so boldly against the legends that surround the valley, the bloody battles that took place there, and the symbolism of the phallic formation. We sat at the foot of the stairs that lead to a breathtaking view of Iao needle and broke out in Hawai'i Aloha.

I was in Maui with a singing group, many of us of Hawaiian heritage. There we were, singing such a beautiful song, in a beautifully ancient setting; all of us breaking out into traditional, Polynesian 3-part harmony. It was truly moving and I did shed tears of extreme longing for the Hawai'i of yesterday. A Hawai'i before my birth into this world. The Hawai'i that was free of American capitalism in it's earliest stages -- American/ Christian missionaries. **heavy sigh**

E Hawai'i e ku'u one hanau e
Ku'u home kulaiwi nei
'Oli no au i na pono lani ou
E Hawai'i, aloha e

E hau'oli e na 'opio o Hawai'i nei
'Oli e! 'Oli e!
Mai na aheahe makani e pa mai nei
Mau ke aloha, no Hawai'i

TRANSLATED:
O Hawai'i, O sands of my birth
My native home
I rejoice in the blessings of heaven
Hawai'i, aloha

Happy youth of Hawai'i
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Gentle breezes blow
Love always for Hawai'i

Ironically, this song is credited to a Christian minister, Lorenzo Lyons, who was born in Massachusetts and set sail to Hawai'i in 1831. He died here after erecting over a dozen churces in 1886. The words of Hawai'i Aloha are sung using the tune of an old hymn, "I Left It All With Jesus".


**Photo Credit

Severing The Ties That Bound Us

Background Info: The next "piece" was written to my ex. After we signed the divorce papers, he called me outta the blue. He apologized for everything he had put me through and was basically asking for forgiveness or something! We began talking nearly every day even though he had left Hawai'i and the divorce decree was on its way. I was so vulnerable and would have probably accepted him back if I didn't have a strong support system, telling me what was really going on.

Written... the letter was six pages long. I cried while I wrote the entire thing. The letter was dropped in the mail by a dear friend of mine (in Hawai'i) the minute my feet landed in St. Louis, Missouri. I left Hawai'i for St. Louis in November 2003 to start a new life. Consequently, I married my husband now during my time in "the Lou"! Writing this letter and severing my ties with my ex was a very difficult thing to do. I'm glad I did it though and still came out... classier than ever!

If you need more background info:
Heart Broken
Crippled Cells

His actual name has been changed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Our life together began on April 10th, 1994. I loved you from that day whether you believe me or not. Every event that has followed that day happened just as it should. Shane, you have been so much a part of my world that I don’t think I’ve known anything else. To be honest, you will always be special to me. I have learned so much from you. I truly believe that God works through people. And he sent you to me when I needed you…

I used to believe that there was just one man for me in the whole world. But that couldn’t be true. I thought that there was such a thing as soul mates. Since our divorce, my mind has since changed. The only way any relationship can work is if there are two willing parties.

You have seen me through some really hard times in my life. I am a better person for having shared a piece of my life with you. I hope you always remember that about me. I was always grateful for your love so honored that you once wanted to spend forever with me. But a lot has happened since we first started out.

Shane, all I ever wanted to do was love you and give you the best of me. After awhile I felt like I was more of a burden to you rather than a partner in a marriage. When you stopped coming to me with things that bugged you is when we forgot to love each other.

I just look back at how our lives have panned out and I ask so many questions. How could I have prevented our marriage from ending? A marriage cannot work if both parties aren’t willing. I don’t even know where I went wrong. I don’t know what more I could have done to show you how much I love you. I always felt like you got the best of me.

I remember writing in my journal about how I met this man named Shane. How he stimulates my mind and my passions. How his mind and just his way of being makes me feel like I’ve known him forever. All of that blossomed into love. A deeper love than I have ever known.

Next thing you know, we’re making plans to be together and that I’d make the move to New Mexico. I just wanted a piece of you and wanted to be a part of your life. We split after my short stint in Clovis. I didn’t want to let you go then but you don’t believe in long distance love.

I remember writing you daily and just loving you. Eventually you believed me when I said I love you and that I was only trying to do right. Then we got married January 4th, 1997.

Shane, I was so in love with you. When you look back on us, I hope you remember all the love I had for you. Both you and I know that our lives must move forward. When we separated in August 2001, I was determined to keep our love alive. Once again, time and distance separated us. Being faithful to you was never an issue. What was always looming in my head is that you didn’t love me. And if you did, how did you show me?

What am I trying to say with this long letter? Well, I’m saying that you were a beautiful part of me. I just am not ready to go down that road again. I crumbled for a little bit when you said you wanted a divorce but I can’t keep a man that don’t wanna be kept. Why fight?

After being apart for 18 months, did you expect to be in love? I had to work at being “in love” with you but you never came back to me. I don’t know what more I can say in this letter or on this page. Our relationship was solid for a bit. When it changed or why it changed, we’ll never know.

By the time you receive this letter, I’ve probably started my life all over again. It’s like I’ve told you before, I cannot see past the hurt. Shane, I never, ever wanted to see you hurting. And I know you’ve told me that you never wanted to hurt me. But the fact still remains that you asked for the divorce. There’s nothing wrong with that. You did exactly what you felt you had to do. I could never be mad about that.

Our relationship ended when our marriage did. Everything happens for a reason. Our being together was intended. You know I always believed that! Our love has no beginning, as it will never end – it’s always been there and will probably always be there. We’ve both made our mistakes – it’s the way of the world…. But I say we move ahead, move forward, one day at a time. Live life with no regrets.

When you look back at us, be glad that it happened. Know that you got the best love I had in me. I loved you with complete abandon and trusted that my heart was safe in your hands. And I thank you for allowing me to love you for the short time that we had.

When you and I started talking again after you left Hawaii this year, I was so confused. My whole way of thinking was geared toward FINALLY taking care of my heart… and so when you called, I was more than tripped out. I mean, you ask for a divorce then you wanna be in love with me again? I STILL don’t get that at all.

So anyway, these past couple of months, I been sitting back and tryin’ to let you do your thing. I really wanted to see how you would approach me. Honestly, nothing changed. I never received pretty flowers at work from you. No letters in the mail. No sweet Hallmark cards except on my birthday. And that really got to me. They say it’s the little things that make a difference. Never mind that I can overlook missed holidays and anniversaries…. It’s the small, minor details that reminded me that you cared.

Shane, you are a rare treasure. I never stopped seeing that in you. I know that love will find you again and maybe you’ll be able to give all of you. You are so very beautiful to me and I see you as I have always seen you – a man that I could love for lifetimes on end. Maybe one day we’ll run into each other again - and the magic could happen again. The next time might be the right time.

Please know that I loved you through every single storm. And know that I loved you even when you had nothing left to give me. When you think of me – remember the good stuff…. How we met and the endless conversations we’ve had; midnight wrestling matches; making love, walks on the beach; and all the other stuff we did on the beach… and so much more.

When you’re ready to love again, may she give you as much love and affection that I gave you. I hope she can care for your heart the way you need her to. *sigh* Have a good life, Shane. And maybe next time will be the right time. I will love you all the days of my life.

Live life with no regrets, babe. I will be around and maybe one day show up at your doorstep. Nah, just kidding. On the real though, when you need me, I’ll feel you and seek you out as I’m sure you’ll do the same for me. We have that strange connection that comes when two people REALLY know each other!

You’ve done nothing wrong, babe. Of course you can’t reverse your actions but everything happens for a reason. I hope one day we can see each other… without feeling any heartache from our divorce. May your journey through this life be peaceful and prosperous. I will see you in every ray of sunshine and I could know your beautiful face if God struck me blind. Smile, babe – our love happened and who’s to say it won’t BE ever again. I love you Shane and I always will.

Soul-Mate-Ness Of It All

Cue these songs:
I Remember, performed by Keyshia Cole.
Never Too Far, performed by Mariah Carey
Run To You, performed by Whitney Houston

* * * * * * * * * * *

I can tell its that "time of the month" when everything makes me feel so... so... so melancholy! When its that time, I pull out my old journals especially the ones that talk about my biggest heartbreak... the breakup of my first marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it happened just as it happened else I wouldn't have ever experienced my forever love.... my husband now!

In eastern traditions, it is believed that one person will experience many different soul mates. A soul mate is someone that comes into your life to help you blossom into your greatest potential. How that blossoming occurs is not always the romantic ideal of love and happiness. With that said, in my heavyhearted, blue-sy, pensive emotional state, I revisit a certain soul mate.

The relationship was full of so much turmoil. It was at two extreme ends. At one end, was love and great passion. At the exact opposite end lived hate and turmoil. Thinking about it, even now, makes me tear up and turns my stomach upside down like I'm riding a roller coaster. There's just something about experiencing lost love that hurts so completely. One is never quite right after losing their FIRST-REAL-Grown-Up-LOVE.

I can't quite put my finger on what pulled me through. I remember the morning immediately after getting dumped by the man that I had nearly worshipped for nine years, I volunteered at a Women's Shelter to forget my troubles. The news that he wanted divorce came as a surprise because I wanted to believe that he wanted to do right by me. And yet, at the same time, I experienced his track record of leaving when things got hard, so it couldn't have been too much of a surprise.

So how does this all relate to the soul mate issue? Well, he closed the door on me. He easily penned the words, "The End" on the book about him and I. Though I had invested my whole heart into the relationship, he risked nothing! My ability to love with complete abandon was stripped from me as he had managed to mangle my heart into such a wretched picture. And the soul-mate-ness of it all is that I had to push through the pain, push through living my life to love him, and into the freedom of independence.

And I'm grateful!

I'm still standing. I'm so much stronger now than I have ever been in my life. The soul-mate-ness of it all is that I had to experience all of it to blossom into the woman I am today. I give so much credit to my husband now and my family for bringing me back into the light. In the re-discovery of me, since the days of my divorce, I am so empowered to do and be whatever I want.

Hawai'i Blues

I've been dragging my feet about leaving the island but every so often I suffer from a severe case of island fever. Husband is adamant about moving to the continental United States. His reasons for wanting to do so are valid and logical. I've been the one holding us back. In so many ways, I want a life less ordinary and yet I still cling to my traditional ideals and values.


I love this island. I feel so connected to the land, knowing that my ancestors are so a part of the landscape that I call home. Their spirits are on the wind. Their tears in every piece of earth that I touch. The Pacific ocean frees me in a way that no other body of water can. This is my home. This will always be my home!

To contrast my love for the land is my extreme abhorrence for the exploitation of my home and my culture via tourism. I blame the Hawaii Tourism Authority, as of late, for their agressive campaign to sell Hawai'i and its culture. What is so ironic is that I was raised on funds earned from tourism. My father was a Tour Bus Driver for 20 years before the Japan-owned company closed its doors without warning.

I suppose some people think that tourism is a great thing for Hawai'i. Currently, it is the dominant driving force in the economy. It doesn't have to be that way. There are other things that could be done in Hawai'i that would add to our self-sufficiency. For one, agriculture could be cultivated to provide for the people on the island now. Living in the tropics, it seems a shame that we ship in the majority of the food we eat. Second, we could work on energy dependence. We experience sunshine EVERY DAY! There is no reason for us NOT to harness the power of the sun. Third, Hawai'i could develop desalination plants. There's no reason why we should experience drought when we are surrounded by the greatest body of water on the earth! Tourism is never good for any host culture so why not develop other forms of industry?

Obviously, I have very strong feelings about tourism. Tourism is what pushes me to leave the island and search for the slice of heaven I knew when I was coming up. Isn't that ironic? I feel like Hawai'i has moved on without me. Like I am a visitor here just because of all the things that have changed since my day. It could be me that has changed. Maybe I have outgrown Hawai'i. **shrugs** I don't know. I just know that Hawai'i is different. Too many tourists. Too much development in the effort to accomodate too many people. Hidden somewhere is the Hawaiian people, the host culture of the land, pushed off their lands, unable to assimilate into American capitalism. **sigh** And I am stuck between so many clashing worlds. My father's Hawaiian blood, my mother's Samoan tradition, and my American social upbringing.

It almost appears as though I am suffering from an identity crisis. But I'm not. Above all of the man-made cultural traditions, including religion -- I am a child of the Most High. Made in the image of the Creator!

I will be fine -- if we follow my husbands desire to move to the continental U.S., I will succeed, flourish and long to be in the land of my ancestors. If we stay in Hawai'i, I will succeed, flourish and appreciate all the beauty in my island home!

The Passionate Life

Do people really know what love is?

When I was younger, the passion was MOST important.
It was ABOVE stability.
It was ABOVE respect.
It was ABOVE my own dignity.
It took me 9 years to find out that PASSION does not bring fulfillment. Passion does not equal love.

The passionate life means a series of ups and downs. Thats what makes the highs feel so high. Its because the low was lower than low.

My first marriage was "the passionate life". The highs I experienced with that man were at the very highest pinnacle of physical pleasure. Stoned, drunk and sexed beyond what I thought I could handle. He BROUGHT it every single time. Like an addict, I craved him. I rocked out in blind rages of sadness; unable to see beyond my addiction. Unable to shake my physical need for him. Unable to see how bad he was for me.

He had to take me there to that gulf of misery so that I would enjoy every time he took me HIGH. He knew my every physical desire and knew how to satisfy it. I was madd with lust, having no control over my appetites.

Then, like a pusher that gets arrested, he left me. He moved on. My passionate life spent high as a kite sunk me to the bottom of an abyss where the only way I could go was UP.

I spent a whole lotta time in that abyss. Lonely. Sad yet still hopeful in my "pusher". I knew he wanted to do right. He just didn't have the courage to do it. **heavy sigh**

I came out of that abyss unscathed. In fact, stronger for having been through such tough times. But like any drug addict, I know that my addiction to that man didn't look pretty on me. I'm glad I'm free from the grips of such a toxic love.