Just One Of Them Dayz

This PMS thing just drains the heck out of me. I don't know how we, as women, do this all of our adult lives. It seems to get worse as I approach menopause or maybe I'm menopausing? I don't know. It's just so taxing and draining from the crazy food cravings to the cramps, the headaches, and the damn mood swings. Sorry for whoever has had to deal with me today. I have not been a happy camper.

Monica's 90's R and B anthem, Just One Of Them Days, rings truer now than it did back then for me. The older I get, the worse it seems to get. And then once the "event" arrives all the mood swings are gone and the stupid headaches and food cravings just magically disappear. The cramps will still be there though.

Some days I'm not sorry but today I am. I have been a little mean and grouchy and just plain moody. If I could, I would crawl into a cave for the next week until this "storm" passes. I feel restless but really I need to just chill this weekend and stay in bed all day long, write, watch some good movies, and just kick back.

A certain someone was heavy on my mind this morning. I like to think that I was on his mind also but I don't know if we still have that connection or if he thinks I'm a flake. I don't know but I am good where I'm at and don't need to complicate my life by reaching out. 

Thanksgiving Weekend I hung out with my two "nieces" from back home, Penina and Pu. They are both in college near me and I was so happy to have them. We're in the store getting snacks for our pending movie night and I am grabbing oreos and ice cream and chocolate cupcakes. Of course, it's obvious that the food cravings are taking over and we have a good laugh about it. While we're riding in the car Pu asks me if I heard the song, Time of the Month by Swiss. We find the song on Amazon Music Unlimited and I just about die laughing at the lyrics. The catchy reggae-esque chorus repeats:
It's the time of the month
When my baby goes crazy
Out of her mind
And she's telling me she hates me
I give her a little time
Cause in a few days she'll be fine

I guess it's a universal experience for straight men who deal with us crabby women at that time of the month. I did go ape this morning and I apologized for it. All should be well, right? Nope... I don't feel better and I just want to disappear for a week. Ugghhh... My boss is going to be out of the office until next Wednesday. Can't I just escape to Baltimore or Dallas for the week? Oh well -- it is what it is.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Stressed By Stress

I am stressed to THE MAX. I just tweeted that into the universe. I am completely overwhelmed by my life. I want to detach from EVERYTHING that is consuming my time. I can't hear my own inner voice while tending to everyone's needs and it buggs the mess out of me. Normally, my life would revolve around ME and HUSBAND. Now I seemed to have taken over the duties that my mother left... and it's just not me.

I am not my mother!

My last post was about "Farren". My mother would have loved to support her through this ordeal while I'm COMPLETELY and UTTERLY uninterested in taking on more drama for this house to handle. I am through the roof with this whole living situation. I am so not my mother in this respect. The obvious choice is for me to leave and I plan to do just that. I don't know where I'm going but I do want to be far away from here.... far away from this life.... far away from caring for everyone but me.... far away from judgement by my peers... far away from busy-work... far away from the different things that suffocate me.

Sometimes I wish I could disappear into the atmosphere and fade into the waters of the ocean and pretend like my life never happened. Let me return to the source from which I came so that I may be AT ONE again with the Creator.

Sometimes life is just so hard!

Heaven Help Me

My husband and I have been arguing for days about where we want to live. I could die the happiest woman in the world, if I could live out the rest of my days in Hawai'i, but not without my husband. And... well.... husband doesn't want to live not one more year on this rock that sits in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I always knew that this day would come, that I'd have to bid farewell to my island home. It is definitely here, sitting at my doorstep, invading my life.

I wish I was like I was when I was younger... sometimes. At any given time, I could be packed and ready to go in an hour. Ready to go anywhere the wind would blow me. I'm not like that anymore. I don't want to uproot... AGAIN... to start out somewhere else. I don't want to leave my family or the comforts of being home. I don't want to leave the beautiful ocean and the emerald-green mountains. I wish I could live all my days right here, in this special place. (Well, it's special to me!)

I've just been crying myself to sleep every night. When I think about leaving, I cry, even if I'm seated at my desk at work. And I don't know what's different about me now, that makes me so emotionally connected to this place. It's different. Maybe I'm more mature now and appreciate everything around me. I miss my family already and I miss them all equally. I'm going to miss all of my brothers football games and I so wanted to be here for them. I won't be able to see my beautiful nieces and handsome nephew grow up. I won't be able to have conversations with my parents or my brother and sister-in-law. I miss all of that already! If and when I do bear children, they will never know this place the way I do. They'll just be visitors in a strange land.

I want to petition the heavens on my behalf, to allow me the privilege of living in Hawai'i for all of my mortal days but that would be selfish of me. Both of my husbands' children live on the mainland and I can't compete. I have not stopped crying. I can't seem to focus on the positive. Heaven help me! What are the positives?

Drama

Drama is always on time.

Lately I've been struggling with demons from my past. The demons have a name.... tobacco and alcohol. Not that I've consumed either of the two demons... but I think about them often. Especially when DRAMA appears.

How could drama happen just two hours before, what is supposed to be, a great evening at Aloha Tower with Goapele and Erykah Badu? **sigh**

I'm irritated. Absolutely batty for a cigarette and wishing I could drown my sorrows in an extremely large glass of TEQUILA SUNRISE. But I won't. I love myself too much to entertain two demons... and I know if I did have a drink tonight, it will be me singing "blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol".

Say What????

I don't know how long this link is gonna work... so check it out folks. Did he say what I think he said??? America!!!