I Wake Up & Feel So Happy

Yesterday. Today. Everyday, I wake up and feel so happy. I feel like there are fireworks going off inside of me. I have never been more sure of myself than I am today and I am so grateful. My life today is not what I had envisioned a year ago or even six months ago but everyday I move forward with confidence. And everyday, I feel more sure that my life could not be any other way than what it is right now.

I don't know what is on the horizon but I see my star continuing to rise. It is so clear. Clearer than it has ever been in my entire life. I will live the life of my dreams and I will have everything that my heart desires and deserves. And I deserve the fairy tale that I have put together in my head that includes my dream job of being a full-time author.

I don't know what love looks like for me in the future but I am not in a rush toward anything but taking care of me, for right now. Even though I still straddle that line between rekindling the old or fostering the brand new, I am only concerned about my own mental and emotional well-being. It sounds selfish and you can call it that. I'm okay with being called selfish. It's not the first time or the last since someone has called me that. One can either stay with me for the ride or not. There are no guarantees that I will be the same me a year from now that I am today.

I know that new love is magical and exciting. And we find these sparks of fire under the strangest of circumstances. Two souls meet and exchange real energy and chemistry. One can either follow it or let it die where it is and always wonder about what could have been. I am not one to wonder. I am curious and thoughtful about everything and that includes the magic of new love. And I don't know where it will lead. No one does. One thing is for sure - what I know about me is that I am the most loyal chic, ride-or-die, down-for-whatever, and I can be the best partner a man could ever have. That is the real-est truth about me. So whether I follow new love or let my path lead back to old love, when I give my heart, I am giving my life for as long as they will have me. I did it with my first husband and I was there for my second husband and I kick myself sometimes for letting them dictate when they would leave me. And they both left me!

I can say that much of my healing has a lot to do with my mind's acceptance of hope for the future. Today and all of my tomorrow's are not so bleak and foreboding anymore. I am actually excited to see what is ahead of me. About six months ago I couldn't even plan 15 minutes ahead because I was so depressed and the world just looked so dark and unappealing. I lost so much weight. I didn't have an appetite. I was just not happy at all. I didn't stay very long in that dark place and I am grateful to have made it out from beneath that grey cloud.

I feel so alive in such a genuine way. I almost feel ready to let go of some of the "crutches" I have acquired in the last six months. Almost. I move forward with nothing but positive vibes in my body and a mind so determined to achieve all of my wildest dreams. Here I am Universe -- use me for your greatest good!

Love Future

In recent days, I have found myself contemplating what I will do next in life. I have this pulsing desire to leave this current situation behind. I want to put so much distance between me and all of my past romantic relationships and scratch out a new existence all by myself. I know I will not do it all by myself. My family and friends are so much a part of my transition. But I feel the need to be all by myself in the world. As crazy as that sounds, I need the peace and tranquility of being alone to find ME again. I need to stretch my legs and gather new experiences and remember the girl I was and figure out the girl I am going to be.

Much of my adult life has found me searching for true love and seeking to find that spark, that magic, that fire. In recent months, I straddle this line between rekindling past love and all of the history that comes with it or should I move toward something brand new without any history or pain. The pattern I find myself in is that I want men that don't want me. Well they want me or they think they want me but they have no idea how to fulfill my needs. They don't pursue me in the traditional way that I dream of, the way I saw my father constantly court my mother or the way I watch my older brother with his wife. I have such beautiful examples of love, unconditional, all around me. How is it that my selection in men is so poor that they always find a reason to leave me?

I have buried two marriages in my short life and right now, I cannot love like that again even though I love being in love. There is no better feeling than the butterflies that arise in my belly when I am in love. There is no better feeling than to be desired by a man that I am absolutely head over heels for. And yet, I have not clearly defined in my head how I want the next relationship to look like moving forward. I would agree with anyone who says that right now is not the time to look for a new love. And yet I feel the stirrings in my belly again. I feel the magic of explosive new love and at the same time, I feel the burn of old love and my mind cannot decipher which is the right way to go. At best, the right way is to sit in stillness and not choose a path at all. The path that is beckoning to me is the one that puts me above everyone else. I cannot live my life for another and neither can they live for me.

Just recently, I started watching the TV Show THIS IS US. The writing is so fabulous. The story line so real and the actors and actresses that bring it to life are stellar. The most recent episode I watched, there is a particular scene where one of the main characters is prompted to seek out his one true love. Kevin shows up at Sophie's door unannounced after not having seen her in 12 years. She was once married to him and he left the marriage. He tells her that she's the one that got away.

Side Note: Every single episode of THIS IS US is chock full of raw human emotion. Love, hate, resentment, anger - it just covers so many emotions and I cry with every single episode.

When Kevin shows up at Sophie's door and reveals his regrets, it instantly reminded me of my own failed first marriage. Everyone has a first love - the one they gave their entire heart to. My first love was also my first husband. I have written about our relationship several times before on this blog and in my handwritten journals. At the end of that marriage, I never quite moved on. It's like he took the biggest piece of my heart with him when he left. And what was left for my second husband was a tiny fraction of my capacity to love and yet there's no denying that I did love my second husband also. This recent break up with him has brought all of the pain and loss of both marriages to the forefront and I grieve. I still sob when I think of the loss of the two great loves in my life. This prompts me to want the magic and electricity of new love. I don't want to dwell on the pain of the past. I have been quite successful at burying the pain and pushing forward without addressing the wounds. But now, now is the time to purge and let it all go once and for all.

I don't know what my love future looks like. What I do know is that I love the bliss of a love without any pain associated with it. What I do know is that magic can happen at the craziest of times and under the strangest of circumstances. What I absolutely know is that synergy and pure, raw attraction is alive and well in me. What I know is that I don't want to label or define the old or the new because it changes it, whatever IT is, and turns it into something I may not want. As I progress through the changing landscape of my life, I will do so with my eye single to my goals. I love to be in love but first I must work on me and that is exactly what I am going to do. God-willing, all of my passion for writing and all of my creative pursuits that make me feel so alive will be realized and love will find me, either way.

Courage to Flow

Dear Friend,

Much time has passed since we were little girls, dressed in pink, at our 6th Grade graduation. We sang Lean on Me and Somewhere Out There as our class songs. We wore our beautiful leis and celebrated the achievement of finally leaving elementary school. After graduation, we danced  in the school cafeteria to Janet Jackson's "Control" and the Timex Social Clubs, "Rumours". "Shackles on My Feet," played too. We giggled. We jammed and we dreamed of the life we would lead. Here we are a couple of decades later and we're still alive. We're healthy. We're moving with the tide of life.

Our recent chance meeting brought together by a mutual friend was fated. I realized this as I listened to your story and your difficulty with your sudden change in relationship status. 27 years is a long time to dedicate to one person and to watch him throw it away so casually is upsetting. For you, I know it is devastating.

I want to tell you that I admire how you are persevering through the heart ache. We, as women, have that in common - the experience of love lost. If there was anything that I could tell you to see you through such a difficult transition is that how you feel today will not always be. Choose today to break through your cocoon into an even more stunning butterfly, brilliant with color and the freedom of wings. You, my friend, are on your way to a life that is more fulfilling than the last 27 years as you watch your children and grandchildren develop into their own magnificence.

I wish there were an easier way to get through the heartache but these lessons are conditioning your heart and soul for the life ahead of you. The strength you are exercising now to move on in life is a beautiful thing. When you look back on today, on this hard time, you will marvel at your courage. And one day you will bless the day that he walked out. It has granted you such a large amount of freedom to truly find your center again and realize the beauty you have inside.

Be easy like water, my friend, and flow with the tide of life
--never fighting against it
--never questioning where it is taking you
--never stopping its meandering journey


You can do this.
LIVE
LOVE
LAUGH

~NeenaLove~

Dear Soldier, Welcome Home! Love, Me

I complain so often about the government and the powers-that-be but I am truly grateful to have been born under the premise of freedom. The other night I was able to welcome my "sister" (she's actually my cousin but we are truly sisters in every sense of the word) back home from Iraq. Though we differ greatly on U.S. policy and the big picture of it all, we are endeared! She spent the last year in Iraq and I was able to send her snail-mail letters throughout her deployment. She didn't have much time to respond except in lengthy emails. I didn't mind at all as I considered it a privilege to be able to support her, long distance. A few days later, we welcomed her husband home. It was an awesome experience. I'm glad we were able to be there.

I absolutely love having someone to write real letters to. There's just nothing like pretty Hallmark cards and beautiful stationery. I don't think many people in my generation still appreciate that kind of aesthetic. I remember when Husband served in Iraq, I wrote him every single day. Husband went to Iraq as part of a rear detachment. In other words, the unit he was sent to had already been in Iraq for a couple of months. He said that when he arrived at the unit, he was already overflowing with letters from me. People in his unit that didn't know him were wondering who SGT WILLIAMS was because he had received so many letters.

I have an entire binder of my letters to him. In fact, he has a few letters that he didn't open just because there were so many of them. In the fast pace of today's world, there is no cooling off period or waiting time. It's like society has become a hustle and bustle of "i-want-it-now" people. I catch myself being the same way also and I have to remind myself that nothing is ever that urgent. Well, at least the acquisition of "stuff" is not urgent.

I just think that there is so much to be said about correspondence. In one of my favorite movies, Sex and the City: The Movie (Widescreen Edition) Kerry, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, mentions to Mr. Bigg about all the great love letters written by men. She's wondering what he would say, if he ever wrote a letter to her.

When husband was in Iraq, he sent me the sweetest letters. We had only been married a month when he got shipped out to the big sandbox in the Middle East. The timeline of our relationship goes like this...
April 2003, we meet.
June 2003, he gets orders to be stationed at Fort Riley, Kansas and leaves Hawai'i.
August 2003, we rendezvous in Alabama and "break up" for good.
September 2003, he proposes. I reject.
November 2003, we marry in Illinois.
December 2003, he's off to Iraq.
It's pretty amazing to see the progression of our relationship. Here we are, nearly 7 years into our marriage. The growth that has occurred as a couple and as individuals is astounding. I thank the Heavens for giving us the strength to see it through.

Anyway, as I was saying -- his letters were so sweet. We barely knew each other. The depth of our love now blows away the 'high school crush' status we had when we first got married. I remember when I attended his welcome home ceremony upon his return from Iraq, I was so excited to see him. I remember seeing him walk in. I had the biggest smile on my face and fluttering butterflies in my belly. I still feel like that when I look at my husband... sometimes. LOL

At the house I had spelled out "I <3 You" on the floor with Hershey Kisses and a sign on the door that said... "Now that I've kissed the ground that you walk on...etc. etc." It opened up to our bed all made up and a little basket of "stuff". It was cute. I'm grateful for all that time apart. It was an experience. Reuniting was magical and all the insecurity of being apart for so long had dissipated.

The time apart seemed to have endeared us to each other. He knew that I loved him... loved him enough to write him every single day. Every couple of weeks I'd send him a goody box also. I don't think anyone else wrote him, no one from his family even dropped him a line. Sad. For Valentines I sent him a candy-gram. (I have a picture of it somewhere but I'm too lazy to dig it out.) Husband's superior wanted to meet me because he had never ever seen a candy-gram and was intrigued by my creativity. LOL... this stuff is so common around home base. At the end of the day though, I was just glad to have my husband home, all in one piece.

That's Where I'm From

Photo Credit

This evening I attended a meeting with some of the girls (and a guy) that I grew up with. We met to plan out a fund raising event in honor of a friend, back home, who has battled cancer for the past couple of years. We sat in the room to discuss the execution of our Plate Lunch Sale. The brother of our friend was in attendance and gave us an update of her health. He said that the doctor said that she would only live for possibly another three weeks and that was two weeks ago.

Before I left Hawai'i, I did get a chance to see her. I even sang for her during one of her stays in the hospital. Her sweet spirit filled the room and her gigantic smile -- infectious. I thought about that time while her brother updated us and I could not fight back the tears. He said that his parents are still trying to come to terms with her dying so young yet she has made peace with it. What's sadder is that he has another sister that is in remission from the same cancer.

I really do come from a special place. Even though we're here in Utah, we are ever so mindful of our "sisters" back home. We are sticking together as we have in the past. I feel so fortunate to know that the friendship bonds we created so long ago, even if the only connection is that we're from the same strip of land on the North Shore of O'ahu, binds us together today.

I penned a poem in high school and a dear friend of mine turned it into a song:

It seems we've been friends
Since the beginning of time
There's no place I'd rather be than here with you
We're just like family but more than friends

Lord keep the memories and
Keep our love for each other alive
Life may take us to different places
But love will pull us back together

We have dreams to live and goals to achieve
Love that we'll find and chances we'll take
If anything shall change us
May it be for the better

Lord keep the memories and
Keep our love for each other alive
Life may take us to different places
But love will pull us back together

I can still here the tune in my head. It reminds me of the special place that I come from and all the special bonds that were created in high school; in elementary; in LIFE. No matter where I am in this world, I know that I am not just a face where I come from. People there know me. They know my accomplishments. They know my family. They know which part of the cemetery my family is buried. I am not a number in the crowd there. That's where I'm from. That's where I'd like to move back to one day soon.

Another tribute to Tasha and her battle with cancer, created by women from the same strip of land on the North Shore of O'ahu.... and that's where I'm from!

Soul-Mate-Ness Of It All

Cue these songs:
I Remember, performed by Keyshia Cole.
Never Too Far, performed by Mariah Carey
Run To You, performed by Whitney Houston

* * * * * * * * * * *

I can tell its that "time of the month" when everything makes me feel so... so... so melancholy! When its that time, I pull out my old journals especially the ones that talk about my biggest heartbreak... the breakup of my first marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it happened just as it happened else I wouldn't have ever experienced my forever love.... my husband now!

In eastern traditions, it is believed that one person will experience many different soul mates. A soul mate is someone that comes into your life to help you blossom into your greatest potential. How that blossoming occurs is not always the romantic ideal of love and happiness. With that said, in my heavyhearted, blue-sy, pensive emotional state, I revisit a certain soul mate.

The relationship was full of so much turmoil. It was at two extreme ends. At one end, was love and great passion. At the exact opposite end lived hate and turmoil. Thinking about it, even now, makes me tear up and turns my stomach upside down like I'm riding a roller coaster. There's just something about experiencing lost love that hurts so completely. One is never quite right after losing their FIRST-REAL-Grown-Up-LOVE.

I can't quite put my finger on what pulled me through. I remember the morning immediately after getting dumped by the man that I had nearly worshipped for nine years, I volunteered at a Women's Shelter to forget my troubles. The news that he wanted divorce came as a surprise because I wanted to believe that he wanted to do right by me. And yet, at the same time, I experienced his track record of leaving when things got hard, so it couldn't have been too much of a surprise.

So how does this all relate to the soul mate issue? Well, he closed the door on me. He easily penned the words, "The End" on the book about him and I. Though I had invested my whole heart into the relationship, he risked nothing! My ability to love with complete abandon was stripped from me as he had managed to mangle my heart into such a wretched picture. And the soul-mate-ness of it all is that I had to push through the pain, push through living my life to love him, and into the freedom of independence.

And I'm grateful!

I'm still standing. I'm so much stronger now than I have ever been in my life. The soul-mate-ness of it all is that I had to experience all of it to blossom into the woman I am today. I give so much credit to my husband now and my family for bringing me back into the light. In the re-discovery of me, since the days of my divorce, I am so empowered to do and be whatever I want.

Vivid Yet Distant

I am a woman with raging hormones, as the creator intended.

My body longs to be touched, molested, ravaged and pursued by a man whose only desire is to satisfy the passion in his loins.

My sexual adventurousness began with my ex-husband and he is probably the measure by which all others have been compared. He and I had escapades that only he and I will ever know about. We liked the adventure of public places and the idea that we wanted it "so bad" that it had to be now or never. **sigh** I miss that excitement; that rush of adrenalin and pure ecstacy. Someone else enjoys that now as he has remarried and so have I. It's been five years and a couple months since I had a sexual experience with that man, however, I think about him on occasion. Mostly when my hormones have got the best of me.

I feel no guilt for thinking about him and his EXTREME skill in taking me to the heights of heaven. He took my body to places it probably will never experience again. Bittersweet for me. Bitter because the way our relationship ended... Sweet because of the memories it has imprinted upon my memory and consequently, my body.

I am constrained from giving in to my every whim. Most times, I am content to fantasize and reminisce on what "was" and am satisfied knowing that I had experienced him at all. We had such a special connection, one that I will probably always hang on to. More than likely, on my death bed, I will recall his face, his scent and his brilliant mind. He will probably greet me at death's door to assist me in my birth into the next world.

I've said goodbye to his memory a million times and vowed total commitment to the man that shares my world now. But I find myself here, at this apex, with such vivid yet distant memories of my first love.