Friday, July 31, 2009

All Mental!

I just haven't been at my best these past couple of days. I wonder sometimes if I am one of "those people" they talk about on the CYMBALTA commercials... the ones that stop being interested in life. I sometimes think that most of my creative works, whether it be a beautiful photograph or a truly moving literary piece or whatever creative work I accomplish, is done when I'm way down in the dumps. Even when I do a special musical number, I find that it's when I'm saddest, when I'm furthest from hope and love, is when I truly sing with full emotion. It's like I have to feel this overwhelming sadness to pull from the depths of my soul an expression of extreme creativity.

I've been having a crappy week. Most times I pretend that everything is okay and I mask the sadness, the unhappy feelings, and all the pain behind a smile. I know I'll make it through the rut that I'm in but for right now, I'm sad. Maybe it's the phases of the moon or the position of my womanly cycle that has me so down and out. I really don't know. What I do know is that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will definitely be better than today.

This move that we're making from a paradisiacal mecca to Alabama, U.S.A. is stressing me out! I'm frazzled! I wonder if other people experience this much trauma in making a move. I never used to be like this. What's wrong with me? I know it's the right thing to do but I want it to be on my terms. **heavy sigh**

Husband is not really helping me through the grieving process of letting go of my island home. So many of the things he says I interpret to be hurtful and downright mean. That makes me even more upset because he intentionally says things to hurt me. That is a line I don't cross when he and I are arguing. It's unbearable! I just get so tired of it. Everytime we argue, the first words out of his mouth is, "I'm divorcing you." I don't know if any of you have experienced the whole divorce thing but I'd rank it pretty high up there in degree of pain. And it flows so freely from his lips.

I'm at my wits end. I'm just tired. I'm tired of the arguing and the fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not appreciated by the man who purports to love me through eternity. I'm stressed and just thoroughly uninterested in what tomorrow brings. That is sooo not me in my regular life. Today is not my regular life.

I can totally understand why a person turns to drugs to deal with pain. It's easier to just "check out" on life and allow the drugs to lead you, rather than have to do the day to day. I think about a joint so often that I'm afraid if someone waved it in my face, I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat. But I've committed to myself to take care of my body temple and nurture it, rather than abuse it.

Tomorrow is another day and it will arrive whether I want it to or not. The same problems and pains that are here today will be there tomorrow. I only hope that I can find HOPE when I rise in the morning. It's all mental or am I mental?

Utterly Alone

Sometimes I feel so utterly alone in the universe, like my mind is a jumble of thoughts that no one understands. I wonder if I alienate people by my thought process. Do I send people running in the opposite direction once I open my mouth? In my mind, everything makes sense but when it comes out of my mouth it turns into mush.

I long so much to be needed, the way a child needs a mother, the way a husband needs a wife. I thought that when we marry, we swear off loneliness forever, and yet here I am... feeling utterly alone. As tears roll gently down my face, sadness grips my empty belly, and I am enveloped in loneliness.

I wonder where the carefree girl I used to be went. I wonder where the laughter went; that loud and glorious laughter that used to be my trademark. Would the girl I was at 19 recognize the image in the mirror now? I'm so tired, so very tired. I just want to lay down somewhere, close my eyes, and let it all drift off into nothingness.

**Photo Credit

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rain, Rain, Rain

It was pouring rain when I left my house this morning. I love the rain. It's so beautiful to look at and to listen to. For some strange reason, I get nostalgic about it. (Example: read In The Rain) It's like I get homesick when it begins to rain, but not just homesick for Hau'ula Park Place. It's a longing for somewhere else, perhaps in another lifetime or in the world before this. The Christopher Cross song, Sailing, has the same effect on me.

It rained throughout the entire bus ride to work, that wonderful, warm, Hawaiian rain and I thought about how much I'll miss it. I wonder if the rains in Alabama will have the same affect on me. I wonder if there are an abundance of rainbows there as there are here. Isn't it beautiful? (Enjoy the pic that I took with my camera phone this morning.)

Thank you for the rain. Water is life-giving and I miss it already. **heavy sigh**

Happy Birthday to Me... coming soon

I am going to be 34 in another week. I can't believe I've been on this earth that long. I still feel so young, like high school just happened but I'm not that young and I've been out of high school for 16 years now. My how time flies!

In my real-life journal, the one I write in while I'm sitting in the first hour of church, I usually talk about the big events that have transpired since my last birthday.

Going back to my last birthday in August 2008, I was supposed to start school again but quickly dropped my courses as soon as I found out I wasn't eligible for scholarship. Me returning to school was supposed to be an EVENT. I've never been a believer in needing college to find success. I still don't, even though I am finally eligible for a native Hawaiian scholarship, and I am currently enrolled full-time, on-line. Going to college is something I've never done successfully. I've never had any interest in it and could probably never return to a conventional classroom again. On-line course work or distance learning is my savior! My dear husband is my inspiration. He finished off his undergrad in three years. When he's determined to do something, he does it, and I'm so grateful we share the same path in this life.

The next big event this past year would probably be... husband and I giving up beef, pork, and chicken. For the most part, husband and I are almost totally vegetarian. We're not all vegan'ish (my own term for extreme anti-animal) but we have successfully kicked the meat habit as of March 1st, 2009. We still eat eggs, sparingly, and I occasionally use cheese on food I prepare. I feel so healthy. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder where the radiance is from. I work out faithfully, at least 30 minutes a day. I have dropped 25 pounds and am continuing to lose. I've gone down two dress sizes and am feeling so energetic.

The vegetarian thing is definitely for better health. We want to eat as our ancestors did. Fish and vegetables. Also, I need to lose the weight to help my body heal itself of the infertility issues. I'm sure all my hormonal problems will balance out. Not only have we kicked the meat but we're also attempting to go totally organic. We cut out the refined white sugar and refined white flour from our diet as well. Slow progress but so worth it!

The biggest event in my life is still coming... we're moving this show to Alabama. I'm excited. Lord knows that I've been feeling very unfulfilled at work and with life, in general. I will miss all my family and friends dearly but with technology the way it is... there's NO reason that folks can't stay in touch. I'm more than ready for new experiences out in Alabama. I'm hoping we can move back west, eventually. It would be really great to maybe make it out to Vegas or even back to Hawai'i. I have large dreams on the horizon that I'd like to live out. I will remain tight lipped about it just because it's too precious for me to share.

So I guess this has been a productive year. I look forward to a great coming year. This years birthday, I'm still unsure what I want to do. The Polynesian Cultural Center just premiered a brand new evening show called, Ha: The Breath of Life. I've only heard good things about it so I'm thinking I might want to do that. I also want to go ParaSailing. I haven't done that yet so hopefully soon, I'll be able to set that up.

Happy Early Birthday to me!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Fasting... Magical!

All has settled in my world. Husband and I are definitely moving on but not to Vegas as I had originally desired. We're headed back to the beautiful South... Alabama, to be exact.

We've been battling about the topic of moving for the past month. Husband says the economic opportunity on the continent is bigger and better than this island rock could offer. He wants to be closer to his family and his children. I can dig his reasoning and logic. At first I didn't support it at all. Why uproot everything we've built, in the middle of America's worst economic depression in decades, without an established job waiting for us on the other end? It just didn't make sense to me. The old me, the me that was spontaneous, would jump at the opportunity of heading into the unknown.

The other day, I found myself fasting. Fasting for direction, fasting to gain my own comfort to make this move, fasting for strength to support my husbands decision. Toward the end of my fast, I had indeed become submissive to that spirit from the Most High. The direction I needed to go in became crystal clear. Thus, the change from Vegas to sweet home Alabama. I was a mess just a week or two ago (see two previous entries). Now, I feel free and I whole-heartedly support his decision and the direction he is taking us in. Only God/ Goddess knows how that works and how they put such a clear directive in me. My most humble gratitude to the Creator!

Though I'll miss my beautiful surroundings, at work, at home and everywhere I go on this island, I'm actually excited about this move. (Enjoy a couple pics I took with my camera phone, on my way to work.) Most of the time, it takes my breath away when I look at all the natural wonders. I contemplate my existence in this world and how truly blessed I am to be here, in this moment, enjoying the Creators artistry. I know, in Alabama, I have more beauty to enjoy. You should see some of the pics I took at Madea's house in Camden, Alabama over Christmas break. They are OUTSTANDING!

I thank the Creator for the magic of his universe and my place in it. He/She speaks to me clearly and feels like a warm blanket being wrapped around me.

* * * * * * * *

Alabama Photo Credit

Monday, July 20, 2009

Island Leaving...

I am having the most difficult time letting go of this island that I call home. Preparing for a move to Vegas is like pulling my fingernails off. It's that painful!

There are times I feel like I've outgrown this place.

  • Read, Island Fever

  • Read, Hawai'i Blues

  • but for the most part, I love everything about my island.

    Thursday, July 16, 2009

    Heaven Help Me

    My husband and I have been arguing for days about where we want to live. I could die the happiest woman in the world, if I could live out the rest of my days in Hawai'i, but not without my husband. And... well.... husband doesn't want to live not one more year on this rock that sits in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I always knew that this day would come, that I'd have to bid farewell to my island home. It is definitely here, sitting at my doorstep, invading my life.

    I wish I was like I was when I was younger... sometimes. At any given time, I could be packed and ready to go in an hour. Ready to go anywhere the wind would blow me. I'm not like that anymore. I don't want to uproot... AGAIN... to start out somewhere else. I don't want to leave my family or the comforts of being home. I don't want to leave the beautiful ocean and the emerald-green mountains. I wish I could live all my days right here, in this special place. (Well, it's special to me!)

    I've just been crying myself to sleep every night. When I think about leaving, I cry, even if I'm seated at my desk at work. And I don't know what's different about me now, that makes me so emotionally connected to this place. It's different. Maybe I'm more mature now and appreciate everything around me. I miss my family already and I miss them all equally. I'm going to miss all of my brothers football games and I so wanted to be here for them. I won't be able to see my beautiful nieces and handsome nephew grow up. I won't be able to have conversations with my parents or my brother and sister-in-law. I miss all of that already! If and when I do bear children, they will never know this place the way I do. They'll just be visitors in a strange land.

    I want to petition the heavens on my behalf, to allow me the privilege of living in Hawai'i for all of my mortal days but that would be selfish of me. Both of my husbands' children live on the mainland and I can't compete. I have not stopped crying. I can't seem to focus on the positive. Heaven help me! What are the positives?

    Monday, July 13, 2009

    Georgia Wedding

    Some photo's from the wedding I attended in Georgia. I was one of 2 matron's of honor. I'm so irritated that I didn't get a picture with the best man that I was paired with. He was soooooo funny! He was the brother of the groom. We had some laughs.

    The beautiful bride and I... just after cutting the cake.

    Dana Bulls - sang the solo at the wedding... and it was soooo beautiful, Myself, Aunt Margaret - she is a TRIP!

    Some of the fam... at the end of the evening

    Cousins and I... love that yellow, against my stark-blue dress!!

    My gorgeous husband and I

    Friday, July 10, 2009

    Toast #1

    Well, my time is a-ticking and I'm needing to put together a toast for the wedding reception. Here's what I came up with for choice #1.

    I would like to wish the bride and the groom a wonderful life together. May there be many more joyful celebrations like this, as you build your future together.

    And if I may, I'd like to tell the newlyweds to stop being in charge. You can think that you are in control of everything or let go and let God.

    You can act as if you control how your life unfurls or you can trust the force that turns embryo's into babies to blaze the path before you.

    You can act as if you know all the answers or you can allow the force that fashioned this universe to be the guide in your life and in your marriage.

    You can pretend that you know what's best for you or you can let the force that turns a tiny mustard seed into a tree be the dictator in your life and in your marriage.

    So I get stuck after that and don't know how to rap it up. Somebody help!!!

    **Photo Credit

    Tuesday, July 07, 2009


    Well, it's time for me to scamper off to the south. I'm excited to go to Atlanta. I have always enjoyed visiting the south. Who knows? I might make it my home one day. If it were up to my husband, we'd be there already but I've been holding out and trying NOT to be chased off my ancestral lands. I've told the story before... about how I long to be here, in these islands, in the lands of my forefathers!

    Anyway, I'm always excited to travel but after awhile I LONG to be here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

    I'll be working on my toast and post a few samples of what I came up with. I'll be working on that during the 7 hour flight to Houston, then the 2 hour connection to Atlanta.

    I'll have my laptop but don't know what my internet options are.

    Wednesday, July 01, 2009

    Wedding Prep

    For the last two weeks, I've been thoroughly consumed by preparations for my cousin's wedding, thus TOTALLY ignoring my blog (She and I as children, pictured to the left). Saturday, July 11th is the special day and the festivities will take place in Columbus, Georgia. She selected me to be one of two Matrons of Honor. This is only the third wedding I've been asked to be in. The first was as a flower girl for my aunt (whose marriage dissolved last year). I was 9? Second was for my older brothers wedding. Hated the dress and the hair but I made it through the day. For this wedding, I got to select my dress. I absolutely love how it looks on me. We'll see if the camera will be kind.

    The other matron of honor and I have been teasing the bride, BRIDEZILLA. (Bride and I, all grown up, pictured to the right.) She's not that bad but she does have a specific design for the festivities, as any bride does. I'm thoroughly excited for her and have to hastily prepare a "toast". So excuse me, as I use this blog as my drawing board for the toast... then you can be the judge and tell me what sounds good.