Monday, November 29, 2004

Me.... Today!

I`ve made some hard decisions in my life.
I`ve fallen... picked myself up...
Dusted off my knees...
and started at square one again.
But I`m only stronger because of it. And I have no regrets.
Things in our lives happen for a reason.
The measure of our character
is dependant upon how we react to the struggles and the blessings.

I`ve known a whole lotta heartache but I choose NOT to dwell on them.
I favor celebrating the triumphs in my life....
cuz in addition to the heartache, I have also experienced MUCH joy!

There is no doubt that I have been blessed with so much.
My family has been my support system...
and the foundation from which I now build my life upon.
And I am a better woman because of it.
My parents want to see me succeed
and are actively engaged in helping me get where I need to be.
When I have children one day, I want to be like them. The funny thing is that the older I get,
the more I know that I don`t know much. LOL...
When I was 18, 19, 20, 21... and on and on...
I thought I knew it all and no one could tell me different.
Age and maturity is a funny thing.
My eyes are opened and my mind expands
as I realize that my folks are the wisest people on earth.

My mother... she is amazing.
I want to be like her when I grow up.
She has taught me how to be a LADY!!
I`m talkin` an Old School Lady...
The kind that cooks,
Speaks intelligently,
Dresses modestly,
Loves her man,
Goes to church,
Manages money,
Can step in when the choir pianist is sick
And a whole bunch a other good stuff.

My father... he is amazing in his own right!!
He is and always will be my first love.
He has taught me how the man I marry SHOULD be.
Because of how he provided for my mother, myself and my siblings...
I know the kind of man I want.
But the greatest gift he gave me is that he loved my mother
and STILL loves her.
After 33+ years, they still adore each other.
With that kind of example to follow,
I have no DOUBT that I want to pattern my relationships after theirs!!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Memory Lane... Summer 1987

Sometimes, I lay back and get to thinking about the places I've been and the people I've known. It would be an amazing thing if I never had to give up any of them. I miss MANY and wish for MANY... people and places are tough acts to follow. I'm content with my life... content with where I am... but a little piece of me is always off remembering the past. Is it wrong? **heavy sigh** Feel like takin' a ride with me down memory lane?

Summer 1987 was amazing. Everything was soooo exciting and brand new. I was discovering BOYS as more than friends on the recess playground. I was building friendships -- lifetime friendships! And I know I was driving my folks crazy... steady trying to claim my independence and pushing the limits.

So what could I have possibly learned from a silly crush, right? Nothing... really. But it was there that I began to realize and dream up the woman I wanted to be. Granted, over time, the woman I want to be is never the same. I am and probably will always be a WORK IN PROGRESS. I knew I wanted to be a "proper" young lady... whatever that means nowadays. I wanted to be cultured and well-rounded. Intelligent. Funny... and a girl worth knowing. Dependable. Honest. Fearless. The list goes on and on. I want to be EVERY WOMAN. Chaka Khan hit it on the money. "I'm every woman, it's all in me..."

At that same camping trip -- me and my Mish-ie (RIP) cemented our friendship. I mean, she held it down for me that summer. She taught me so many things about the human condition. I didn't know it at the time but as I look back, she taught me HOW TO REALLY LIVE. That was her truest and most enduring gift to me... to NEVER hold myself back. To live COMPLETELY, barring nothing. I miss that girl. She left this world on February 10th, 2001. God rest her soul. Cancer stole her from me.

Anyway, that same summer we went to Girls Camp and she mooned the security so they would send her home cuz she wanted to go to the fair. LOL... And she went to the fair and was bored az hell cuz the rest of us was still at Girls Camp. She was just the funniest girl I have ever known. We snuck cigarettes on the beach, acting grown. Stayed up late talking about the next school year and dreaming about boys. We talked about the girls that WEREN'T virgins and what it would be like to get nekkit for a boy. We wrestled on the beach with the boys we knew.... the same boys that turned into prom dates in later years and first loves... ooh lawd... some of those boys turned into the fathers of our children. LOL. We played stupid games like truth or dare... which we still play today. We played spoons and murder... held hands with boys cuz it was the next best thing!

All of this is packed into one summer... three short months. LOL. While all of this is going on, I'm driving my parents crazy. Absolutely batty. LOL... I swear I didn't mean to. My folks didn't care too much for my selection in friends but they trusted that they'd taught me enough to make intelligent decisions. They fought my friendship with my Mish-ie all through my life. LOL... ironic that her life was soooo short. When Summer of 1987 ended, it was back to the business of learning. I went back to school and continued to be on the principals list... that was short-lived... but we'll explore that a little later. Summer '87 continues to be THE most memorable... almost like a coming of age... kinda.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

A Man of Her Dreams

Went to Kansas City yesterday to watch the gospel play, A Man of Her Dreams. The storyline was one step below flimsy and was unbelievably PREDICTABLE. Basically, it was a soap opera on stage with some songs thrown in for dramatic effect....which were actually kinda good.

Christopher Williams was the headlining name but the REAL star was A.J. Johnson. If it weren't for him and his comedic antics, I would more than likely NOT have enjoyed the show. It wasn't a TERRIBLE experience... no... not that at all... but I just expected MORE.

The story didn't demand anything of me which, of course, means that it didn't draw me in. I didn't have to pledge any emotional commitment to the story or the characters. Does that make sense? Perhaps my expectations were much too high because I love a story that MOVES me and this play flopped horribly in that area.

Basic story -- Louise and her daughter Chania comes back to town after being away for 18 years. Mother is HIGHLY irritated. Margaret, sister to Louise is ECSTATIC. Husband of Margaret is not happy about Louise being around. Okay... so you know that means Husband of Margaret slept with Louise, 18 years prior and produced Chania. You get the gist.

There were other characters in there also -- with their own stories to tell. Erika, daughter of Margaret and Husband, is a gold digger playa... who gets caught up. The man who loves her isn't rich and she cuts him loose. He makes good on many of his dreams and she wants him back and he doesn't want no parts of her. Tyrone, son of Margaret and Husband falls in love with his cousin, Chania (he thinks she's adopted because thats the story Louise has told everyone).... which turns out to be his sister.... eeeeeeeew.... FLIMSY!!!

Okay -- so what is my point in writing about this? Well, there are several but I'll only cover two of them. First, why does the writer assume that this would incite any kind of passion from the audience? I feel almost betrayed that a writer is getting paid for this. With almost the same scorn, I was irritated with the general reaction of the audience. They LOVED it! That tells me that the audience didn't EXPECT much. They don't DEMAND more of their entertainment.

But the REAL point, for me, is What is A Dream Man? The dream man is relative to a womans experiences, I suppose. I never really set out to look for a husband... but they've found me, twice now. LOL. Both of them have fulfilled me in one way or another. There have been other proposals but you just can't accept all of them. **giggles** Instant physical chemistry has been an IMPORTANT part in my selection of the ex-husband and the current. That instant attraction is CRITICAL and has been the difference.

Other than the instant chemistry, unconsciously or subconsciously I've broken my needs into four categories. Mental, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual.
MENTAL - The man of my dreams stimulates my intellect. He can maintain a conversation with me and not get lost thinking... "what is she talking about???...." LOL.
PHYSICAL - hmmm... well I don't care what ANYBODY says -- sexual intimacy is VERY important. The man of my dreams meets the needs of my physical passions and we reinforce our love with the physical intimacy.
EMOTIONAL - this is that "gray" area in a marriage.... what it boils down to -- the man of my dreams maintains my heart.
SPIRITUAL - I can only follow a mans RIGHTEOUS desires. His connection to God and the Savior must be intact in order for him to have righteous desires. Lead and I will FOLLOW.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

In The Rain

On another day we'll play in the rain
We'll run like children lost in innocence
Throw our hands up and wonder if God was crying
Fall down laughing and hold soaked hands
Under a tree full of green leaves

On another day we'll play in the rain
We'll laugh like awkward teenagers falling in love
Beam bright eyes at each other and devious smiles
Chase each other till we're out of breath
And steal first kisses over and over again

On another day we'll play in the rain
We'll ease through raindrops like spaceships navigating the stars
Let easy smiles creep across content faces
Roll in the grass and get saturated with love
Under cloudy skies and moist surroundings

On another day we'll play in the rain
We'll sit like an old couple that has seen all of life
A quiet still embraces us and comforts our old bones
And we'll hunt monarch butterflies and tulips
While the sun peaks from behind rain clouds

Yes. On another day we'll play in the rain
And be innocent
Steal first kisses
Saturate ourselves with love
Like an old couple with a beautiful life behind them

Written on a Rainy Day in September... all I wanted to do was play in it with HIM
5 September 2004