What Do You Believe

VIDEO: What Do You Believe?

When someone asks me, "What do you believe?"
It usually follows a discussion on something wildly controversial.

Do you believe in ALIENS?

Do you think there are mysteries behind the symbols on the U.S. currency?

Was there a place called ATLANTIS?

Do you think there are real PSYCHICS?

Is there one God or many different GODS?

Does the Bermuda Triangle exist?

Do you believe in REINCARNATION?

Is karma real?       Do you believe in ghosts?

Is it possible to bend time and space?

I'm sure you get the picture... the list of questions could go on and on. What I can say about MY BELIEFS is that it is so very open to possibility. All things are possible! What we experience in this earthly existence is but a small fraction in comparison to the mysteries of the universe. I have a magnet on the refrigerator that simply states: BELIEVE. This truly is the basis of all knowledge. You must BELIEVE!

At the foundation of My Belief System is that positive forces have one source -- God. Anything else is the absence of God. I would like to always be on the positive end of the spectrum... distributing light, love, knowlege, and truth.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Though I'd like to say that I live for the here and now.... what would probably be more accurate is that I'm excited about what happens next. What happens when my physical body ceases to exist? As I age and progress in my earthly development, what will happen when my heart stops beating and my brain stops working? We have all experienced the loss of a loved one. I love imagining reuniting with each and every one of them. Oh how I miss my grandmothers. (I have never known any of my grandfathers, they all died when my parents were children.) I miss my cousin Jason who was like a lightbulb inside a dark room. His charisma was infectious. I miss my dear, departed friend Michele (pronounced Me-sha-lay). Her humour is what I miss in my day-to-day. My Belief System includes the possibility, the ability, the reality that I will meet them again.

COMPASSION
My intention, in dealing with people, animals, the earth, nature, etc. is to feel total compassion. Can I hurt any of these things if I feel compassion for him/her/it? Compassion can be equated with pure-love-energy. It sounds whacky but it actually goes back to a more ancient way of thinking.... a very Eastern philosophy of caring for nature and loving all living things. All of Asia (including India) practice reverence for nature. Native American tribes, Polynesian's, Hindu's, etc. All honor the bounty of the earth and express gratitude for the abundance of resources available to man. I think it is beautiful and is so much a part of who I am. This world is so beautiful. The least I can do is help to care for it the way I would like to be cared for. To love humanity and each individual soul. We are all children of our Creator!

CREATED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE "LIGHT"
I believe that we are all here to do magnificent things. We are an extension of God and should rise to meet the expectation. It's tough to have such a lofty BELIEF SYSTEM and fall short of it on the daily. However, I want my expectations to be something I must strive for rather than something that comes with ease. I am reminded of the story about the butterfly in the cocoon. The butterfly receives strength in its wings by pushing against the cocoon and attempting to break through it. A person observing this may slit open the cocoon to assist the butterfly but this act would, in fact, cripple the butterfly and render its wings useless. We are all created to do significant things that will contribute to the "light",  to the positivity in the universe.

In reading over what free-flowed from my mind, to my fingertips, through the keyboard. My conscious mind is in agreement. These are my basic beliefs (along with what I said on my video):
~God is the founder of positive vibes.
~I live to prepare for the next life. ("Prepare to meet God")
~Compassion/ Unconditional Love for all of God's creations is something I would like to practice in all my actions.
~We are born to testify of God by contributing to the "light" in the universe.

What do you believe?

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Atlantis Photo Credit
Cosmos Photo Credit

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FOLLOW ME

Thinking Ever Thinking

So much of my time is spent contemplating the world and my existence in it. What is my great contribution to the world and the people around me? I remember someone saying, in an address to young people, that we should attempt to write our own eulogy so as to know how to pattern our lives.

I think of my mother whom I lost in June of 2011. I can only remember all the good things about her. I bless the day she birthed me because in that day she wished God's choicest blessings upon me. I think of her now in heavenly splendor. Perfect. Having truly given all that she could to ensure that I were a benefit to the world.... that I were a bright light in the darkness.

What will be said of me in death?

Am I, figuratively speaking, a light in the darkness of night?

I raise these questions now as I am moving ever closer to the ending of my studies toward my Bachelors of Arts degree in Philosophy. I am in the 400 level courses and find myself contemplating what I have learned in terms of philosophy. Probably what I love most is that I have studied all types of thought processes. Each discussion seeks to answer one supreme question: WHO.AM.I?

WHO ARE YOU?

i am

i am a

i am a wife

a daughter
a sister
an aunt
a cousin
a good friend

i am you.
i am me.
i am the universe.

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Photo Credit

The Need to De Stress

I told myself that I would blog at least three times a week this year. I have failed miserably in this area.

Writing is something I love to do. My diary has also suffered from my lack of desire to sit down and right. One of the ways I destress has always been writing. Now, in one of the most difficult times of my life, I have yet to sit down and sort it all out. In my 20's and part of my 30's, I used alcohol and cigarettes to ease my pains. It was definitely a way for me to relax and slow down and get my mind off the world. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I think of my former life so often.

When my ex-husband and I finally parted ways after being separated for 2 years, my normal routine was to drink as soon as I got off work. And I didn't just have a beer or a cocktail, a meal, and call it a day. NOPE. A dear friend and I would turn the cocktail and meal into a party even if it ended up just being us at the house. We would drink, drown in our sorrows a little then call some guy friends that we had met over the weekend. LUSH. Plain and simple, we were LUSH.

I often think about the rush I got from the alcohol. The feel-good, feel-invincible, feel-unbreakable, feel-alive feeling -- I miss that. Though I could never and will never characterize myself as being depressed, if I ever did feel depressed, I imagine that it would feel like how I've been feeling lately.

I miss my moms, no doubt. But it's not just the missing her that leaves me in a funk. It's also the aftermath of her leaving. The aftermath consists of the following:
1. My father, the lonely widower.
2. My two young brothers - one just turned 18, the other just turned 14.
3. My duties as a diligent and dutiful daughter has left much to be desired by my husband.
4. Having to take over the duties of paying the bills for the household;

I'm kind of burnt out and I have no outlet anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a little STUCK.

I have my own dreams and desires to do big things. Big, for me, at least. There are things that I'd like to do that are just for me. Thus, I think of the alcohol and the backyard barbecues and the sweet release that comes from destressing.

What to do? What to do?

Who Am I?

This blog is a collection of my thoughts and memories of events in my life. On occasion I post pictures of myself and my husband or friends. When I first started my blog, I would post the pics then quickly take them down after a week or so, just to maintain anonymity. I've since restored most of the pictures.

My previous post had me contemplating moving to private mode. I reviewing whether I should revert back to anonymity, remove the pictures and posts that point to ME being the author of this blog or remain, as I always have been, an open book. The decision is quite a doozie!

I have suddenly become aware of how wide open I have made myself. I spill my deepest thoughts into the pages of my blog, almost as real as the thoughts I pour into my written journal. My life, past and present, are revealed in every line I scatter on these pages. At times, I confess my deepest heartaches, from the demise of my first marriage to my inability to successfully conceive and bare a child.

I also tell the story of how the love of my life entered my world. How he picked up all the pieces of my broken life and allowed me to glimpse into eternity. I reminisce often about past encounters. I dip and dab in the creation of fictitious characters and story lines. I change my position on several political topics, yet am constant on the need to fully rectify the plight of the ancestral people of Hawai'i.

It is obvious that my blog does not have a specific topic. It does not have a target audience except maybe for those who can relate to what I have experienced throughout my short lifetime. I feel so vulnerable to outside criticism of how my life has unfolded. And yet, this is me! This is who I was/am/will-be. I feel so fortunate that after all of my experiences, I find myself back at the foot of the Creator, hungry for spiritual enlightenment.

I have come to really appreciate my love of writing and how relaxing it is for me. The way I choose to express myself and find the exact word to convey my emotions is a challenge that I am always up for. And above all, this is who I am, and I have decided to remain an open book.

Journaling

Lately I've been doing all my writing in my personal diary. There's some kind of connection between handwriting and creativity. I seem to blossom with idea's when I hand-write in my journal. That's where all my stories and opinions have been going. I thoroughly miss BLOGGING so I'm here today, right now, in this hallowed land of words. **giggles**

I don't remember at what age I knew I loved writing. I remember in the 4th grade, my Language Arts teacher, Miss Elly Tepper, conducted a weekly journal session. It would take place right after lunch recess. She'd shut off the lights and start a meditation to calm us down to get in "the zone". For some, this exercise was challenging. Some folks didn't know how to calm down, didn't know how to be silent and sit still. For me, it was an absolute treat. What thrilled me is the power I had to write about anything I wanted to. Fiction or reality, it was all up to me. I admit that I embellished the truth a lot in those days and probably created more drama in that composition book than any 4th grader then. At the end of the exercise, we'd turn our books into Miss Tepper. She'd read the journal entries, make a few comments with her red pen, then give them back to us the following week.

My mother encouraged me from a young age to keep a daily diary. I have volumes and volumes of my journals to pass on to my posterity. It is quite an event when I pull out the journals I kept when I was a teenager. The vocabulary I used as a teenager is absolutely horrendous. I didn't curse on paper. What I'm talking about is the type of slang words and phrases that I used as a teenager. The terminology was weird and at this point in my life, I just don't find the humour or logic in my selection of slang phrases. I'm sickly amazed at the tone of my entries. I was so boy-crazy! **giggles** Even though I was such a tomboy all through grade school and the seventh grade, eighth grade found me blossoming into a young lady. My diary entries detail a school girl with a brand new crush every single day. I'm almost sure that my mother insisted I keep a journal so that she could sneak and read them to know what's going on in my world.

My childhood and teenage years were spectacular, void of any real drama. Having such a solid foundation of happiness and joy prepared me for the struggles that were ahead of me in adulthood.

Through my journals I'm able to revisit some of the darkest days of my life. That era was the post-teenage years on up until probably 30. Between 18 and 30 was an absolute challenge. Age 18, I was raped. I pressed charges and endured two trials in front of a jury of my peers. The first trial ended in a hung jury. The second trial set my attacker free. I married at age 21 and endured the most difficult heartbreak ever. The problems in that marriage started early on. Things just were never right between he and I. We were separated a couple years after marriage then finally divorced when I turned 28. My journal details every dark day and builds the anticipation for a brighter day.

I'm thoroughly convinced that my posterity will revel in the emotional narratives written into each and every page. The journal chronicling 2007 reveals a woman beginning a total-life-makeover where I had since re-married, kicked the tobacco, alcohol, etc. to prepare myself for a spiritual awakening. Awaken I did, along with my husband. It has been, by far, the most eye-opening experience EVER and I cherish it dearly.

Here I am today, my journals are less exciting, almost monotone yet filled with my most intimate thoughts and emotions. It's value is invested in the future. The ones that will benefit from my innermost feelings, my childrens childrens children, will connect with me from beyond mortality and see in to my life with perfect insight. These journals, as are these blog entries, are for my children.

The Mirrors Image : Brutal Honesty

It looks like I'm mean muggin' if I don't smile but really... my face just looks mean. It's not like I set out to have this mean look on my face. God made it that way. My father is the same way. Having that mean mugg has kind of been a blessing. I mean... folks are intimidated by my mean mugg and no one has tested to see if that mean mugg was just a front. I like it just like that cuz I'm really a peaceful person. At least I try to be. Confrontation is not really my thing.

When I look in the mirror... without the "from above" angle on pics... I got enough chins for me and my sister and my mama and her sisters. My face is fat which means I'm fat! Some days I don't mind and other days I just wanna hide under a really huge pillow.

My eyes are slanted and I kinda like that.... well... more accurately said... for now, I like my slant eyes. Catch me when I'm PMS'ing and the story might be told different. LOL.. The actual color of my eyes suits me just fine also. I don't match with blue, green or hazel eyes. The lashes could be a little thicker but I don't do the fake ones and the eyes are much too sensitive for mascara. The eyebrows... they're PERFECT! LOL. I hope I don't develop bags under my eyes. Thats thoroughly unattractive to me.

When I look at my face I see a big nose. I think the nose matches my big body and my huge, round face. It's not a nose that folks would get rhinoplasty for but it suits me. I remember this white dude said I had the hugest nose he has ever seen. Oddly enough, I wasn't offended because I love my nose. I seemed to have developed a little mole on the tip of my nose over the years. I know that wasn't there in high school. It kinda just creeped up on me.

When I look at my face... I see fat, chubby cheeks. Underneath all that fat somewhere are high cheekbones. Folks still pinch my cheeks like its the latest thing. **sigh** Get over it! You can't have the full cheeks.

The lips are okay. Could be a little fuller... but I'm trying to love what's already there.

Got a forehead but the hair hides the semi-shine beaming from it.

Facial Hair... Goodness gracious --> that is my curse! I pluck, wax and nair... and still can't keep up. Thank God for laser technology cuz one day soon I will be taking advantage of it! I am a hairy mutha... a "fur ball" as husband likes to call me. The euro blood that runs in my veins have cursed me!