Thursday, October 30, 2008

Schizophrenic Ramblings

Some days are better than others.
Sometimes communication is better when I'm not PMS'ing.
Sometimes he understands me. Most of the time he doesn't

My mind is so deep, so beyond logic.

I feel joy slipping out of my hands and life becoming a monotonous jumble of predictable days and routine nights.

I long to feel totally uninhibited by dogma.
I long to feel totally uninhibited by expectation.
I want to be set free from familial responsibility.

Let me set my feet on ground that isn't so probable.
Give me some uncertainty.

Free me from the discipline and restriction of purity.
Send me into a stormy night without an umbrella.
Set my uneventful life on fire and let it explode into a million pieces.

I long to feel totally uninhibited by dogma.
I long to feel totally uninhibited by expectation.
I want to be set free from familial responsibility.

Let the bounty of the universe find me and allow me to be the blank canvas for its greatest painting.

Help me crawl from under the heaviness of expectation into the brightness of unpredictability.

Send me into the rain forests of the Amazon to be at one with God's green earth. Find me in the mountains of Tibet learning to listen to the voice of God. Place me atop the Pyramids at Giza to remind me to look to the heavens for the mysteries on earth. Let me swim with dolphins and listen to the cries of humpback whales in the Pacific Ocean and really hear their sad tale. Let me walk without shoes, without a coat to warm me, empty pockets, and armed with only my faith in humanity to feed me. Teach me compassion and how to really love.

Free me from the chains that bind me. Whatever they be. And keep my mind from going off into the abyss of insanity.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Has It Been a Week?

Wow... It's been a week since I last posted. What's up with that? My disappearance has not been for a lack of topics to blog about. I actually have a slew of posts that have been started. I just haven't been able to finish them off. **sigh**

Halloween is coming up. My cousin is having her housewarming party on Halloween night. I contemplated being the Bride of Frankenstein while husband is, naturally, Frankenstein. We're still debating. I have all the necessary items: the makeup, the dress, the hair yet no excitement to put the look together. We'll see what happens.

I've been helping my cousin plan her wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor. Of course I'm honored yet at the same time I feel like I'm too old or something. LOL... Weekend before last we went to a Bridal Expo. There were a bunch of vendors touting wedding stuff. The expo also featured a fashion show. We were particularly drawn to a specific boutique so we immediately went to the actual boutique when we left the show. My cousin purchased the first dress she tried on. It was a little pricey for me but she can afford it. I also found my dress at that boutique and all alterations are included in the price. The actual color of the dress will be royal blue and ivory. Woohoo... killed two birds with one stone! Her plans are moving right along.

The actual wedding will be in Columbus, Georgia next July. I can't believe she's having it in the middle of the summer in humid, hot azz Georgia. She consoled me by reminding me about air conditioning. Hah! She will make a beautiful bride and I think her marriage will be wonderful. Her fiance has as much going for him as she does. That's rare since my cousin is quite the go-getter. They make a brilliant couple. I'm glad she has finally found a piece of happiness.

We all deserve all the happiness one heart can hold.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Unburdened

Honesty is a very important part of character.
We have all seen men who think they are not accountable
to the laws of men or of God.
They seem to feel that the rules of human conduct
do not apply to them.
A popular philosophy is, "What can I get away with?"

As someone once said,
"The difference between a moral man and a man of honor
is that the latter regrets a discreditable act
EVEN WHEN IT HAS WORKED."


I use this quote as my jump-off today. It has weighed heavy on my mind for quite some time. As I mature and get along in years, I find that I have become more repentant towards universal truths. Honesty and integrity have endured through the history of the world as admirable characteristics.

I used to work at the local grocery store. I'm omitting the name for fear of incrimination (lol). I knew the ins and outs of the grocery store. I could perform every function in the store, just short of the responsibilities of the Store Manager. I knew when the produce deliveries happened. I knew the exact time the Budw.eiser guy would show up. I knew when Heine.ken arrived. I knew when the ATM guys would reload the machine. I knew where every camera was, including the hidden ones. I knew when the main office courier arrived. I knew when the vault was open for the bank courier. I'm telling you, I knew every function of the store.

With such a vast knowledge of store operations, I felt empowered to extend store assets as my own. You get where I'm going with this? LOL... basically, I gave out product for free. My friends would come in, load up their shopping cart... I'd pretend to ring them up. And well... you get the picture. What did I get for my dishonest behavior? Nothing but a repentant heart. I don't even know how to start reparations for it and yet I do want to try and repair what damage I may have caused.

The current trend portrayed in the media is that the world is full of dishonest people. It seems that robbers and thieves, both on the street, in the halls of government and in corporate offices, are the main feature EVERYDAY in the mainstream media. It is such a skewed vision of the world. I believe that honesty and integrity is alive and well here in the United States and across the globe. I have to believe that there are more people like me out there, striving to make today better than yesterday.

My dishonesty from yesterday extend to my adult life as it continues to haunt me. From the day I left the grocery store, I promised myself I would never be 'that girl' again and I haven't. I've rediscovered the ideals of my parents and my brothers, that being honest in all my dealings is a legacy to preserve and pass on; that being honest honors my family and protects our family name. My repentant heart lays on the precipice of dishonor and as I write, I unburden the sins of yesterday in trade for the safe harbor of goodness.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Box

My cousin and his wife gave me a box several years ago for Christmas. It's a beautiful storage box and is the perfect size to keep photo's in. The box was so beautiful that it remained empty for several years because I could not find anything that absolutely fit in it. Discarding the box wasn't even an option.

When my ex-husband first broke the news that he was leaving me, I wanted to destroy everything in my possession that was connected to him. I wanted to have a bonfire to burn every letter I wrote him, every letter he wrote me, all our pictures; I wanted to be rid of anything that reminded me of my life with him.

My best friend requested that I hold onto the things I wanted to be rid of. She said that they were worth saving for future examination. She said that one day I'd want to re-read the letters and look at pictures. I thought, at the time, her request was ridiculous. Only a sentimental fool would hold onto letters to and from a man that broke my heart over and over again. Against my emotional desire to be rid of the ties that bound us together, I kept the letters. It now sits in the beautiful keepsake box that I received from my cousin and his wife.

I visit the box every now and again. Each time I open the box, I'm immediately transported to the world I left behind when my ex-husband left me. I can't say for sure what his motives were. I do know that he's on marriage #3 now. (I was #2.)

The first thing I see when I open the box is the engagement picture. What I wouldn't give to look the way I did in those pictures. It's not the physical characteristics of my face that I long for, though it wouldn't hurt. What I long for is that fresh, never-been-hurt excitement that comes with new love. The picture reveals, every single time I look at it, a girl in love with love. Yes, I was still a girl. Girlhood kept me chasing Prince Charming. Experiencing my first broken heart, at the hands of my ex-husband, shattered the dreams of finding a prince and brought me into womanhood. Not every girl will have to pass through the halls of heart break to find what it is to be a woman, but I did.

My first broken heart still aches, especially when I open up the beautiful storage box full of my life with my ex-husband. After getting through the engagement picture and staring at the girl I used to be, the next thing I find is a package of letters that I wrote him. Lets see, we met in 1994. Married in 1997. Separated in 2001. Divorced in 2003. All of my letters to him, spanning those years, are in there; neatly sorted chronologically. Actually there are a few letters from after '03 in there as well. After the divorce, we did indeed speak and correspond via email and regular postal mail. Nothing ever came of it, mostly because I had moved on then eventually he did too.

Removing the letters gives way to the pictures from our wedding. It was a huge event. So huge that this was our wedding cake. Count 'em... 22 tiers! I look at the pictures and think how far away that life seems. The white dress. The bridesmaids and groomsmen. The JR bridesmaids. The flower girls and ring bearers. The eloquent speech by my Uncle Cy, who married us, about love and blessings and the need to nurture each other. The daddy/daughter dance. The bouquet toss. The garter toss. That life is indeed behind me, left at the foot of other girls longing to be a bride.


It takes me a couple of hours to get through everything. I usually sort through the letters. I read the words I wrote and remember the exact moment I wrote them. I think about how hard I worked at loving him. I wanted to be the "exceptional" woman, the one to change his mind about women and relationships. I wanted him to know what a loyal wife truly is, in contrast to his first marriage. I wanted him to experience a good woman, first-hand! I think I did all that and more. In his own words:
Woman, oh womanI miss your mind and soul, I truly wasted a blessing. You said to me once, forgive yourself. I understand now what you were saying to me.

God has always worked in ways unknown to man. sometimes you have to be hit hard to wake up, like i did. I do know that i needed to be a more humble person in this life and to be more grateful for and to take better care of the blessing i am given. I have messed off more than any man can want. and im alright on through his grace.

i ask for God's forgivness almost everyday now, cause i know in my heart i messed of one of his sweetest gifts.

I wish i could turn back time but i cant you are always in my thoughts and when i pray you are there too. so know this, we are fighters! take care of your happiness. I do miss you and think of you too thats why i'm writeing this at this time i dreamed of you again you are such a beautiful woman inside and out take care woman.

Opening up my special, little box reminds me of how far I've come. That little box runs through brand new love. Fairytale wedding. Girlhood to womanhood. Broken hearts. Divorce. And the conclusion: the ex-husband finally realizing that I was and always have been a blessing in his life. Nothing is sweeter to me, in regards to that relationship, than knowing that when we split I had nothing to hang my head about. I had done everything in my power to try and make it work and he still chose to leave.

My special visit to the box always makes me cry. After that, I feel grateful for what I have now and am reminded that my life is so wonderful. The man that shares my space is so wonderful and that after all that has happened, I did find my Prince Charming.

*************



**Photo Credit

Thursday, October 16, 2008

My Political Rant

Barack Obama is indeed making history. I'm thinking he's our next president. When he first submitted his bid to represent the Demo.Cratic Party, I told my husband that he would win or die trying. Take that last comment as you will.

I think Obama is indeed a convincing orator. He truly moves people with his speech delivery as well as the content of his speeches. As opposed to McCain, who is quite dry and his voice bordering on sound like Kermit the Frog. Also his current wife looks like an alien and aesthetically just wouldn't match in the White House.

I have not decided on who exactly I will be voting for. I will say this -- it won't be neither McCain nor Obama. I would just as quickly vote for Cynthia McKinney than either of the two representatives from the major parties. I would have rather seen Ron Paul as the Republican candidate. I'm a big fan of his politics and I tend to lean more toward the conservative side anyway.

That's my political rant for now. We'll see how it turns out.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Random Thoughts

I've spent most of my evening running back and forth to the bathroom. I ate some chili that is just not agreeing with me. It could be that I ate a chili-dog after DEVOURING a bag of popcorn. **LOL** Who knows? All I know is that this is indeed uncomfortable and I just can't fall asleep. Now I'm here blogging away my thoughts.

My latest addiction is Real Housewives of Atlanta that airs on BravoTV. I think the show is such a crack-up. I'm pretty amazed at the "excess" people live in. Since I've only watched two episodes so far... I love the Hartwell couple. They are just too cute. I'm glad they selected a woman that is doing things for herself rather than relying solely on the husband to finance their dreams/ business entities.

I actually digg a whole lotta shows on BravoTV. They also air my other addiction, Project Runway. I would just love to do that show. I don't think my sewing skills are as finished as the people that make it on the show but my sketches are gorgeous and totally fashion forward! I just love Tim Gunn... he is the quintessential fashion police and has impeccable taste.

So anyway, that's been me lately. I've also been working on a fiction piece to be published on this site. I have an EXTREME desire to spark more of my creativity. I've lost it somewhere along the way. I've started toting my sketch book around with me and also my color pencils. I also carry my camera everywhere to capture the right picturesque "postcard" shot. My journal is always handy as well. I have a real need to get in touch with my creativity.

I hope all is well in your world.

**Photo Credit

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Dream Symbols:Death

I awoke this morning with a strange sadness. I dreamt that I had died of a heart attack. In the dream I was so happy to be able to transition to the next stage in the eternal being of my soul.

I dreamt that I had died of a heart attack. Another person was there to escort me to my next stage in my progression. At this moment I don't remember who she is.

I dreamt I was talking to my parents and telling them what I wanted for my services. I dreamt that my mother was taking care of all the arrangements for my funeral. I was shaken by the dream so I looked it up on the internet.

The Dream Doctor explains the dream in this manner:

Dreaming of one’s own death (a dreamer may witness his or her funeral, or may “just know” that he or she has died) symbolizes an inner metamorphosis and an evolution of development. Old ways of perceiving are passing away; new self-discoveries are being made. The dream is a symbol of transition.


How apropos... in my transition to trying to become a mother. I hope that is what the dream is indicating. But, any change will be good for me!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

That is THE LIFE

I just got through watching the season premiere of Bizarre Foods. His location: Samoa, formerly known as Western Samoa. I was so thrilled to see my mother's home land, which consequently makes it my ancestral home.

Andrew Zimmern, the host of Bizarre Foods, visited the two main islands of Samoa. His commentary in between the actual eating segments made me so proud to be 'teine Samoa' (Samoan Girl). Andrew appreciated the same things I do about the culture of my people.

The people of Samoa practice the traditions of their ancestors as passed down from generation to generation.

Samoa was invaded by the Brits, the Germans, New Zealand and the United States. The U.S. took what is now known as American Samoa, an official U.S. territory like Puerto Rico. The Brits traded Samoa for Fiji with the Germans. Eventually, under the direction of the Brits, New Zealand took political control. Even with all the different political take overs in Samoa's contemporary history, the culture has remained intact! In 1962, New Zealand left Samoa for good and allowed the people to determine their own destiny and they have successfully ruled themselves since.

I look at how Samoa was able to gain independence from all conquering countries and am hopeful that maybe one day the same could happen for Hawai'i. In contrast to the strength of Samoan culture despite outside influences, Hawai'i has become a melting pot of Asian and Caucasian traditions with sparses of Polynesia intertwined; totally "americanized" and void of any real connection to Hawai'i's colorful and strong history. Samoa, on the other hand, still prides itself on holding fast to its cultural strength.

Samoa practices a type of "caste system", in that each person has a specific job to fulfill. The thought of a caste system in these times seem archaic, however, the system has worked for generations on end before foreign contact. Each person knows his/her place in the village and each person plays an important part in maintaining harmony.

Respect is above all else. In Samoa, children still listen to their parents no matter the age. You can be 50 years old with a large family of your own and you are still subject to your parents rule. I find that quite endearing in a world with decaying family values.

The best thing about Samoa, for me, is that village is life is run the same way it was a century ago, two centuries ago. People live to raise their families and their crops. Money is not as valuable as the number of children you have, the yield of your crops, the daily catch of seafood, the number of chickens in the village, the size of the pigs in the pen... money tends to run low on the totem pole.

But the absolute best, best thing about Samoa is time! There, you won't need a digital time piece. Time is set by the position of the sun in the sky. Its rising begins your day. Its setting ends it. And everything you need to do falls between the two. You can work the plantation and nurture your crops. Cool off in a mountain lagoon. Set lobster traps just off shore. Dig for clams in the shallows of the ocean. And yet and still, there's plenty of time to do everything you love doing. No office to run off to. No soccer practices to shuttle kids to. No outrageous energy bills enslaving you to a paycheck. Ah yes, THAT IS THE LIFE! That is the life I want for me!


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Photo Credits:
1st Pic
2nd Pic
3rd Pic

Thursday, October 02, 2008

CLOMID : Day 1

Well, the doctor finally put me on Clomid. The instructions were to take one pill a day for five days beginning on the third day of my period. This is so much coordination on my part while others have pregnancy occur so spontaneously! **heavy sigh** The side effects that the doctor and the pharmacist pointed out were:
1. Multiple births
2. Weight Gain
3. Mood Swings
4. Dizziness
The one I'm most worried about is the mood swings. Husband and I discussed it just so we could be on the same page about this. So that as we're trying to make a baby, none of us are ready to call the marriage quits. LOL...

Husband has two children so it has to be me that is "the problem". He's anxious for the two of us to bear children together as am I. He is so special. So utterly beautiful... okay, this post is not about him... So anyway -- no sign of moodiness yet. No dizzy spells either.

Pray for us yall. I'm tryna be pregnant in the next month!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Don't Tread On Me

Those who know me know that I would love to see RON PAUL as president. He believes in returning to the "gold standard" and returning to the ideals of the Constitution. How revolutionary in a world full of corporations! We have moved so far from the ideals of the Constitution and small government. **heavy sigh**

Get to know Ron Paul -- he might change your thinking on what a political leader should be like.