Sunday, July 31, 2005

Heart : Broken

You know that first heartbreak! The first one that you've ever had. The one you've never really gotten over. That heartbreak that STOLE your ability to love with COMPLETE ABANDON. Do you know which one I'm talking about? Okay... let's talk about it. I feel the need to PURGE!

Heart : Broken
It was his 39th birthday. I was overwhelmed with a strange feeling in that moment between sleep and consciousness. It wasn't a bad premonition. I just knew that a CHANGE was coming.

He nudged me. I greeted him, "Happy Birthday Baby." He said thank you and told me that he was taking a drive to the store for a cup of coffee. I fell back asleep. When I awoke he was sitting on a chair next to the bed staring at me.

"What's wrong baby?"

He replied, "I'm going back to New Mexico."

I paused and gave him a strange look. My mind was not exactly processing the information he just disclosed.

"Well, what do you mean you're going back to New Mexico? Am I going with you?"

"No," he said, "I'm leaving."

"What do you mean you're leaving? You're leaving me again? Are we getting a divorce?"

That I even let him DICTATE that we're getting a divorce irritates me two and a half years later.... when really... I should have left him ages ago. I just kept letting him walk all over me. **sigh**

"I guess. I can't stay here anymore. I can't pretend that I'm happy. I'm not happy." That's what he told me! We had been trying to hammer out our issues for two months prior to this eventful day after having been seperated for two years.

"Is there another woman?" You know that is EVERY woman's first question!

"No," he said, "I'm just not happy and I haven't been happy for a very long time."

The conversation continued on in the same manner. The end result was me crying.

It was his birthday and I had this beautiful day planned out. That was obviously not going to happen. I still hadn't processed the weight of his words though I was in tears.

I dried my eyes, got off the bed and told him, "Get ready. Let's go do something. It's your birthday." Yep, that's me in DENIAL.

He gets in the shower. I immediately get on the phone and call my "sister", Ree. I call a male friend, Nate. Then I call my mother. I cry and tell them the news.

Anyway, we end up at Dave & Busters. In the perfect birthday I had planned for him, we were supposed to end our day there. So the joint opens at 11 in the morning. It wasn't even noon yet and we go directly to the place. I slide him a $50 because I didn't know if he had money or not and it was his birthday. I had been supporting us for the last two months. Forking over the money wasn't anything new.

The full load on my shoulders was beginning to bare its weight and I headed straigt for the bar. I get a drink, sit at the bar and just start CRYING. The bartender DID not know what to make of me so he left me in my tears. I was finally feeling my aching heart. I finally felt the dagger that was attempting to stop my heart from beating.

I get up to find the man that is breaking my heart. He's seated at a shooting game. I pull up a stool next to him. I knew this was it. I knew that he was serious about the divorce and the logistics of what is about to occur is sinking in. The man that I loved with complete abandon did not love me anymore and he wanted out of this marriage contract and I was kindly obliging him and I knew that I, too, was DONE!

After a couple of hours, we leave. I'm completely BUZZED and the devil inside me was rearing its ugly head. We're driving back to my apartment. It is MINE now that he's leaving me... AGAIN. The conversation on the way to my place was along the lines of: are you sure you wanna do this? He was sure and I can't argue with him anymore. I was tired of fighting just for him to love me.

We get back to my place. "So what do you wanna do? Do you want me to leave and you stay while you get it together OR what?" Here's another irritating look into the past... that I even cared where he laid his head.

"NO! I'll leave. Imma stay with some friends," he replied.

I was fuming and I was so angry at him for even coming back to me for these two months. He collected some clothes, packed his blue Nike gym bag and walked out my door. Thats one of the last visions I have of him. Then I cried and I cried and I cried. My eyes were swollen. My heart broken. Then I got angry. Everything that reminded me of our relationship was destroyed. DESTROYED. DESTROYED! DESTROYED.

My need to purge has been satisfied. I will continue the rest of my Heart : Broken story tomorrow. Come on back and read it, yall.

The continuation.... Crippled Cells!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Show Me What You Workin' With!

This is what I was working with today!! Yep... it was so nice and peaceful at the beach. I had to snap a shot and share it with all of you.

I sat on the soft sand, staring at turqoise-blue waters... ocean breeze on my skin... sun on my shoulders. It was lovely.

I love the sun. You know we NEED it's rays of light to produce vitamin D. Go look it up. It's true, I tell ya!

I love the soothing powers of the color turquoise and the color blue. I'm into the whole holistic way of looking at colors. That stuff is true as well!

And the ocean breeze... well... it keeps me COOL... so I'm not sweating a gallon an hour. LOL...

God painted such a beautiful picture today! I'm grateful. I'm peaceful. I'm in love with life! Take care!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Pages of My Diary : #01


In the effort to help a friend write in her diary regularly, I came up with a whole bunch of questions.... just in case she ran out of ideas on what to write about. So, this is an introduction to The Pages of My Diary : #01...

Name one of your favorite songs. Give a memory about it. Every detail! Where were you? Who was there? How old were you? What was going on?

About two weeks ago, I was at a Baby Luau... sidebar on Baby Luau's... it's a party celebrating a childs first year of life here in Hawai'i. It is a big event. Historically, children died within their first year of life. So, if the child made it past that first year, a big celebration was held. The tradition still lives today.

So anyway, there I am at this party and the band playing, Inoa'Ole was just OFF THE CHAINS. Along with original music, they played stuff from the 70's and 80's. They had me when they started playing some Earth Wind and Fire. They sang some New Edition. "Mr Telephone man, there's something wrong with my line. When I dial my babies number I hear a click everytime." It was AWESOME. I had so much fun. This guy, George Taulani has a set of pipes on him that are so smoothe, so beautiful, so masculine... just WONDERFUL. The CD probably doesn't do him ANY justice.

So I'm sitting there at this party and loving the music and loving the vibe in the air. Then the band sings, "Every Little Step I Take" by Mr. Bobby Brown. That opening keyboard sequence IMMEDIATELY took me back 17 years. 1988 is the original release date.

"Every Little Step..." was the CUTT! The popularity of that song lasted way over a year. It was being played at all the dances. The Thursday Night Special is a talent show that occured once a year in the little neighborhood I grew up in. So, my brother and his friends hook up a little routine to that song for the talent show. My friends was "crushing" hard on my brother... that puppy love stuff. We had to be all of 13 years old. **giggling**

So the Thursday Night Special comes along and me and my girlies are sitting in the audience. Russ and his friends come out in black jeans and black turtle necks. You know this is the era of africa medallions, cross colours and Kid & Play dance moves. And they just go off. The crowd is roaring. It was INTENSE and way toooo much fun.

These are the memories associated with Every Little Step! That I'm sitting in an audience with my favorite girls... and we're all screaming at the top of our lungs. That summer was the end of innocense for some of those girls I sat with and WE were never the same.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

ETA : 1 Week



Estimated time of arrival : One week... I'll be 30 in a week.


This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30.
They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Monday, July 25, 2005

I Hate....

I hate the way we fight.
I hate how I am affected by our arguments.
I hate that I notice EVERY negative comment.
I hate that I know I'm not an idiot but am manipulated to feel like one.
I hate how there is NEVER an apology.
I hate that there is never neutral ground after an argument.
I hate that I ALWAYS submit just to keep the peace.
I hate that MOST about me.... that I ALWAYS submit.
I hate when I cry while we're in battle mode.
I hate it because it means I am angry and I am weak.
I hate that I can NEVER express myself quite right when I'm angry.
I hate the reasons for our fights.
I hate that even when I'm free flowing, I still never blame you...
I hate that even when no one is looking, I'm still blaming myself.
I hate knowing that tomorrow, this argument won't even matter.
I hate knowing that tomorrow, nothing will have changed.
I hate knowing that today, tomorrow and for as long as you'll have me... I'll still be loving you...


Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Falling Dollar

China Cuts Currency Link to U.S. Dollar

I hope you read the article above. It may seem like mumbo jumbo which is why I encourage you to get financially educated. Be prepared in ALL arena's of your life. Physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc. Why ignore any area of your life in hopes that another will save you?

I was discussing in a Yahoo Group a couple of weeks ago about China and their role in the American economy. The rise in the yuan means the fall of the U.S. dollar. Yes... the dollar will fall and fall and fall... and it WILL affect the U.S. economy adversely.

The Federal Reserve was instituted to "control" the economy more effectively. Yet they have successfully presided OVER every single stock market crash since its inception. Go figure. This just might be your wake up call to do "something". Run screaming through the halls of congress that you'd like to end "fiat" currency. If you don't know about fiat currency... once again... you better go read about it.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Someone Else's Archives

I been diggin' in folks BLOGS...
Forgive me for cheating today... and for being a huge thief... and for not being original enough to write my own shit.... but we all have our favorite ENTRIES... here are some of mine.

Today's reader content is BORROWED!


This post STILL stirs me... the way ONLY Brutha Free can **giggles**... WAIT ON ME.

Real Women Have Men... love this post! It's true, I tell ya!

Who is she to you?... you really have to read this one. Also, it would be utterly INCOMPLETE if you didn't read the comments. So take ya butt to the comment section as well. There's a whole blog happening in the comment section. LOL. His writing is just LIKE THAT!

I was moved to tears by this post... Broken Stories. Sometimes I think the world has "moved on" (Read Stephen King's Dark Tower series to get the full effect of "moved on") and progressed to something greater... but it hasn't. The human condition still worships POWER.

Some bloggers have such an effect on people where you find that their comment section is full of "add-ons".... and that there's a blog happening in the comment section. LOL. Damn, I Wish I Wrote That! The premise had me crackin' up. This entire post that I'm writing now is along the lines of, Damn I wish I wrote that!

I love a good love story... and here it is... After 9 Years....

Best & Worst allows you to reminisce... read it! It's kinda fun!

Something to think about here... The Slave Mentality

She has a baby inside her... how beautiful is that? Virgin Blogger

Well, hope you enjoy it all folks...

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Thirty...


Thirty -- the number of times I've snuck out of the house when I was a teenager.

Thirty -- the number of days in September.

Thirty -- the number of shoes I kept AFTER the last massive overhaul I did.

Thirty -- the number of times I cut school during my senior year of high school.

Thirty... I'm gonna be thirty in a few weeks. It doesn't feel any different than when I was turning twenty. But things are TRULY different. My life at twenty and my life today... let's just say that I am a better person today. I've endured my fair share of struggles... but they didn't seem like struggles. They were hard times but I have this ENDURING belief in GOOD. I don't really HARP on something bad for too long. If I'm hurt, I just get right back up and keep doin' my thing! Like one of those inflatable cartoon characters... no matter how much you punch it, it just pops right back up. That's me! LOL...

So, YES! I'm gonna be thirty on August 4th. I'm not quite where I thought I'd be but I'm grateful for where I am. Where am I? I'm not yet a mother but I am a wife... twice over. My first husband decided he wanted to divorce me... and I kindly obliged him. I didn't want to be with a man that didn't want to be with me. It was hard. WAS! But like I said... I bounce right back. So I'm on marriage number two. I clown myself by saying that the ink wasn't even dry from the divorce and I was already signing the marriage certificate for the second husband. LOL... It's true. I married my current husband just six months after my divorce was final.

Yes, thirty is right around the corner. I was thinking of throwing a birthday party for myself, being that I have no children to spend money on... and I kinda just like to spend money on myself. So I was thinking I'd have a dinner on the day OF my birthday... just family. Then on the weekend following my birthday, I'll have a little bash at some Karaoke joint. EVERYONE loves karaoke... even folks who claim they don't sing. It'll be fun. A friend of mine is telling me to DO IT... and I think I'm going to. I've talked it over with hubby and he's kinda excited about it.

I'm getting comfortable with the idea of being thirty... there's nothing REALLY new about it. Just another day, right? WRONG! HERE are some intersting things that happened on August 4th.
In 1789, the feudal system is abolished in France.
In 1901, Louis Armstrong was born.
In 1914, World War I: the UK declares war on Germany.
In 1955, Billy Bob Thornton was born.
In 1961, Barack Obama was born.
In 1993, a federal judge sentences two LAPD officers to prison for 30 months for violating Rodney King's civil rights.
Okay, maybe nothing REALLY important happened on that day except, of course, for my entrance into the world in 1975. **giggles**

Thirty... thirty years old. I've been on this planet for thirty years. What have I done with myself? What is my gift to the world? You know folks, I define myself as I go. I don't exactly know what my purpose is... aside from me preparing to meet my maker... I don't know what impact I have on the world we live in. I strive to be a loving person because I truly believe that WHAT you put into the universe affects EVERYTHING and I like to be surrounded by people who love me. I could give the whole play by play for every single year of my life. I could dig up old journal entries from my personal diary... but they will all pretty much say the same thing... that I am A WOMAN IN PROGRESS.

Thirty is a long time yet I still feel as young as I did when I was fourteen, sitting in the bleachers at my brothers football games... cheering my heart out. My older brother is in Michigan, married with three beautiful children. I miss him like crazy.... just because we have ALWAYS been VERY close. We're not kids anymore arguing over the remote. We're grown now and we discuss HEAVY issues with each other. And I'm very grateful to have been blessed with such a fine example of what a man should be... my brother!

Thirty... on August 4th, it'll be thirty days since I last smoked a cigarette. I have no idea why I picked up such a nasty habit but I did... and hopefully I'm done. I feel so much healthier without those tobacco sticks. There are so many reasons to quit smoking. My top five reasons...
1) I hate the stench that comes with smoking.
2) It kills my vocal chords so when someone asks me to sing... I can't.
3) A year ago, the doctor advised me to stop smoking so that I can conceive.
4) It's so unhealthy.
5) It's just too damn expensive!

So I'm gonna be thirty folks.
I'm happy.
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm excited about life... I always have been.
I'm making good changes...
And I'm basically turning into the woman I thought I always wanted to be.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Rabbit Hole


How deep does the rabbit hole go?

I've been tossing that question around a whole bunch lately. Maybe I've gone off the deep edge in my thought process. **shrugs** I really don't know. However, I know that I am a thinking person. Are you? Have we been hypnotized by the mind control machine called the media?

Interesting Flash Movie

A Blog about the powers that be...

Moon Landing stuff...

I feel like Mel Gibson's character on the movie Conspiracy Theory... like everyone is out to get me. Like the things we see on the surface are NOT really what's going on beneath. Sure... you can GOOGLE ANYTHING and find information on it... both pro's and con's. My point in putting all of these things in this post is that we RARELY think of the alternative. We take media news at face value and keep skipping to the same beat our parents did. Well... this post gives you some alternative view points. You consume them at your own rate... if you'd like to consume them at all. **giggles** Folks that create these websites can MAKE ALL KINDS of claims. I'm fully aware of that but if you let logic RULE your thinking... you'd find that much of these things are "logical".

Secret Weapons for a Quiet War... read that! Kinda interesting.

Mind Control using silent sounds...

NASA stuff... like I said -- alternative!

Fluoride good for you?

You think you're in debt?

This is the governments website (under the guise of a non-profit organization) and what they have to say about Joe Bannister. Then the alternative TRUTH is outlined here. Don't you think this would be BIG news? More important than seeing where Brad Pitt ran off to and who with!

Anyway... folks... I don't know how deep the rabbit hole goes. This is just a small sampling of what I've found out there. What I do know is that I refuse to rely on mainstream media all the time for current events. Because of that... I'm taking this exciting journey down the rabbit hole... where I'll land -- ONLY MY FATHER IN HEAVEN KNOWS.

**wink and a smile**




Always

Remember when "Always" was the cut? I was in the sixth grade when that song came out and it happened to be our class song (along with Lean On Me by Club Noveau). Every wedding I went to with my folks, that year, was playin' that song. The lyrics are ROMANTIC; beautiful. What it means to me now and what it was then are two entirely different things.

As a sixth grader, the song title meant that our class would be together for "always". If I hear the song now I'm instantly taken back to "them days".
--Fighting to be first in the lunchline
--Playing in the school yard was STILL cool
--Chasing boys meant playin' tag
--Pigtails and ribbons in my hair was accepted
--Boyfriends were boys that happened to be friends
--All birthday parties were attended by our parents also
--The only card game I knew was Crazy 8
--My whole world really was all the land between my house, the school and the church
--Double Dutch, Chinese Jumprope and High Jump... being good at it meant you were the most popular girl in the school
--Girls stood around at school dances and danced in a circle... guys did the same

I could actually go on and on and on about them days.... I miss it. I miss that innocense... that brand-newness. **sigh**

"...ooh you're like the sun chasing all of the rain away..."

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Who Said That?

Who was it that coined the term, "too good to be true..."? I'm mad at him... it had to be a HIM (**winks**). Why is anything too good to be true? Is there anything too bad to be true? Seriously! September 11th was a terrible thing, it was bad but it was true. "If it's too bad to be true then it must be a lie..." That's not the case, is it?

So who is this guy that said it? He must have seen a beautiful woman, walked up to her, spit lame "game" at her... that happened to work... only to get back to the hotel and find out it was a dude. You know he said to himself, "I knew it was too good to be true. My playa skillz have never worked that quickly."

Yep. That's him! That's the guy who coined the term, "too good to be...." you can finish the stupid phrase... just like you can finish this post.... cuz thinking of me EVEN trying to continue is just "too good..." well... you know the rest. LOL

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Ghost Like A Mugg...

I have been soooo M.I.A. lately. No news, for me, really is GOOD news. So where have I been since I haven't been here? I've just been navigating the financial world... helping others see the reality in investing. It's been fun to see knowledge take root -- then see it being applied. I love it!!

What else have I been up to? A couple weeks ago we went camping. That was a blast. Hubby is still new in this area so I love it when he gets to hang out with men other than my family. LOL... Hubby is such a good guy.

I've actually started on a few posts BUTTTT..... I get through half way then lose my train of thought. I gotta get with it, fa real. LOL... soon soon soon.

Friday, July 01, 2005

I Love Luther

I can't believe he's gone. Luther's music has seen me thru some hard times... and good times as well. I have nothing profound to say about the artist. I just know that if there were a soundtrack for my life... Luther appears all between 1985 and 2005. Twenty years is a long time.

There are so many Luther songs that I enjoy... can't pick just one. It's impossible. I love me some BIG LUTHER! He will be missed!