Fat: Contemplating a Solution

I've been turning it over in my head for about a year now:::: getting the Lap Band surgery. I want a better quality of life and a smaller waist size. Honestly, if my stomach was in correct proportion to my body, I don't think I would mind as much. But it's not. If I keep on this way -- I'm looking at Diabetes, Heart Disease, Stroke and all the diseases that come with obesity. Many of you have read my blogs on here discussing my excess weight and committing to losing the extra pounds but here I am still the same size I was a couple years ago. What motivates me is that I was about 50 pounds lighter when husband and I got married. That's a big difference. I really need to shed this weight and get rid of it once and for all.

Some of the pro's of the LapBand surgery that I've read so far:

• No visible scar -- the incision is made in the navel. One incision. That rocks!

• Fully reversible -- if it's not working for you, you just get it "undone".

• No supplements for nutrition.

• Adjustable -- if it's too tight or too lose, you just get it adjusted.

The voice inside my head, along with the advice of my husband, says that I have all the know-how to lose weight without surgery. My husband, at his largest was about 290. He is now a slim and svelte 220. He did it all-natural, without the use of any drugs. He just committed to working out and eating right and if he didn't eat right then he worked out double hard. He is such an inspiration but he makes it look so easy and I know it's not! **shrugs**

About a month ago I went on youtube and searched for lap band surgery. They actually have videos of the procedure being done. It looks so painful to me so when I watched it, I vowed to myself that I would not get the surgery done. But here I am... contemplating the surgery. What gives me serious doubts about getting the surgery done is that what I've read about it reads like a science-fiction movie. In my mind, I'm thinking that I can totally do this on my own if I commit to losing the weight. COMMIT to being healthier. COMMIT to increasing my quality of life now and into old age. Fat people just don't live long so I have to change the habits NOW.

A Healthy Me!

There's a scene on Waiting to Exhale, where Gloria (Loretta Devine) introduces herself to her new neighbor, Marvin (Gregory Hines).

She walks across the street and assumes that Marvin, the guy unloading the truck is just the moving guy. She makes small talk and asks questions about the family moving in and happily discovers that Marvin, the man she's talking to, is moving in alone and is single after the untimely death of his wife. After they exchange a few more pleasantries, she invites him over for a meal. He declines. She concedes to send over a plate.

In the dialogue she points out, "I don't need to be eating all that much, BIG AS I AM."

He replies, "I like that. I like a woman with meat on her bones."

She giggles and turns to walk back across the street. Midway through the street she turns back to see if he's watching her walk away. He is. She waves and giggles again at the attention from Marvin.

I remember being very conscious of my size when I was younger. It could have been because my family's constant attention was on how fast I was growing and how much larger I was than my cousins on my fathers side. They being mostly Asian with a sprinkling of Hawaiian. Me, being fully POLYNESIAN with the bone structure to match.

My mother was a very petite woman. She being all of 5'1" and tipping the scales at 120 pounds on her wedding day. She would often comment about my size and my need to lose weight. I don't hold any anger or resentment toward her for it, the way I did several years ago. However, I'm stuck in the thought process that I need to lose weight. Therefore creating the conditions to ALWAYS make that statement true, meaning I must stay BIG to always keep me in the lose weight mindset.

That last paragraph might be a little hard for people to read or understand. It may seem confusing. You probably have to read it over and over to get 'it'. Or you may not get it today but one day you will. What I've been finding, as I peel apart the psychological and emotional layers that keep me in a body shape that NO LONGER serves me, is that at the heart of the issue is my mindset.

I don't think I would have ever thought I was fat, if my family didn't remind me as often as they did. I'm sure that most of them didn't mean it in a hurtful way, nevertheless, that is how I received their words. Throughout my teenage years, I battled the "fat self-image" that was imposed on me even though I was popular, had a lot of friends, and dated often. The insecurities that come with teenage-hood, coupled with a fat-self-image, made for a very confused young adult.

After getting through the emotional junk, I fell in love with me. I mean I really love ME. I look in the mirror and LOVE everything about ME. But now, with my age creeping up on me and my desire to bear a child, I want to be in love with a HEALTHY ME!

Here I am 33 years and 5 months old and I have not yet mastered my body. One of this years goals, as it has been for the past 3 years, is to RELEASE 50 pounds from my body FOREVER! I fluctuate losing and gaining ten pounds. I want that to stop right now. I want to maintain a healthy body weight so that as I age I am able to have an excellent quality of life. **sigh**

Even though my husband likes the "extra meat on my bones"; even if I love the reflection in the mirror; even if I am comfortable in the skin I'm in; I need to realize a HEALTHY ME. Any ideas?

Am I On To Something?

On Monday I did something I haven't done in awhile. I went to the doctor and had some blood drawn to determine my cholestorol levels and glucose levels. I got the results back today. At first, I was alarmed because the nurse I spoke with wanted to set up an appointment immediately to follow-up with the results. That had me a little jittery. I scheduled the appointment and left it that.

I spoke to my husband a couple of hours later and he insisted that I get the results over the phone. It took another hour before the doctor called back. I suppose it was lunch time. **rolling eyes** She read the results to me over the phone. I was FLOORED! All my numbers were quite low in comparison to what I was expecting. I'm overweight and I don't eat as healthy as I should. I was thinking my cholestorol would be through the roof. Thankfully everything was great.

Perhaps husband and I are onto something with our daily workouts. I've lost a 1/4 inch of "stuff" on my body, here and there. Husband and I have kinda sworn off the scale in favor of taking our body measurements weekly. I'm pretty sure our workouts are what is bringing my body to a healthy place. Now if we could just control our insatiable appetites for everything that tastes good.

Have any of you tried Weig.ht Watc.hers? The work outs have become a habit, now I need something or someone to teach me proper portions and what kinds of foods to eat. Any feedback would be lovely!

Funny Girl

I watched Funny Girl starring Barbra Streisand, the other day. I ABSOLUTELY loved it! It was kinda long and certain scenes dragged on but for the most part I thoroughly enjoyed it. Barbra ALWAYS selects roles that portray her as ALL BRAINS, LITTLE BEAUTY. I think it's endearing and my mind works much the same way. When you get a free minute, you should go watch it.

When I was growing up, I didn't feel like a beautiful child. Everyone ooh'd and ahhh'd at my cute, fat cheeks and my curly hair and that was the extent of that. Sure, I was a pretty smart girl with an extremely quick temper and I was quite athletic... could play the piano and still do so on occasion. The funny thing is that I'm truly grateful for all the talents I have and the wonderful brain that sits between my ears. I'm even grateful for the great, big, compassionate heart that beats in my chest HOWEVER I just want to be the girl that turns heads when I walk into a room. And they look and stare because of my beauty.

In high school, I was a popular girl because I was all those things above... and I was a sweetheart and was a star athlete. That's all fine and dandy. Really! But I want folks to look at me and think -- "Wow! She's gorgeous!" And then when they get to know me, they'd whisper how graceful I am. I'm tired of being fat, FUNNY GIRL.

My mother has said some VERY hurtful things to me and continues to do so now. The one thing that she's always told me is, "You would be so pretty if you weren't so fat." The phrase haunts me. Here I am, halfway through my Thirty-First year and I'm still plagued by those hurtful words. My fathers brother had all the fat jokes in the world for me. Both grandmothers used to quip at how big I am. It seems that even with all the brains in the world and all the talents and the pleasant personality I possessed; with all my sports achievement, ultimately, the only thing anyone ever noticed was how fat I was.

I've learned to dodge the fat jokes, laugh at them and even throw in a few of my own. As I write this, I realize more and more that I don't have to accept and adopt everyone's perception of me. Really, I should define myself and tell everyone who I am! However, I still revert back to that wounded fat child. I look in the mirror and wonder why everyone decided that I should be the nice, fat, FUNNY GIRL. I've allowed them to define me for wayyy too long. Who I am should be a reflection of what I see in the mirror and how I feel about myself. I DECIDE!

I've been better in the last couple of years. I've really learned to LOVE the woman I've become. I am really comfortable in my own skin. I am a very eloquent, loving, old school kinda woman. The kinda woman that my husband couldn't wait to take home to his mama. I cherish that! I LOVE being the kind of woman that my husband can COMPLETELY rely on. I love being me -- with all my flaws and all my talents and am worthy of all the gifts I receive from the Creator. He made me in his own image. I should be so lucky!