I'm In Love With Another Man

My 16-year old niece shared this song with me over the Christmas Break. I'm In Love With Another Man performed by Jazmine Sullivan. Scroll down, I embedded the YouTube video at the bottom of this post. Maybe you can play it while you read this post.

I don't know if she understands the lyrics of the song but she had this on repeat (along with The Greatest Showman soundtrack) every day. Today, as I did my lunchtime walkabout around the State Capitol here in Columbia, South Carolina, the song came up on my playlist. As I listened to the lyrics and to the nuances of Jazmine's voice and the rising intensity of the song, I hoped that my niece identifies with that rather than the lyrics. Surely, she's much too limited in experience to understand the dilemma, right?!

As I made my way along the sidewalks of Downtown Columbia, I placed the song on REPEAT. I was immediately thrown back to the spring of 1994. My boyfriend at the time was a lovely man. Well, without divulging too much about myself in relation to him, we were in love even with all the obstacles that should have kept us apart. I thought I was in love. I thought what he and I had was love. Up until that point, what he and I had is what I would define as LOVE. Then one hot and sunny April day, while my boyfriend was away for work, I met someone else.

I wish I could say that I was a good girlfriend and turned away from the advances of the "someone else." But I didn't. I had a terrible headache the day I met someone else and I was grouchy, tired, probably dehydrated, and I just wanted to sleep. My friends that I was hanging with were in full-party-mode and the chances were slim of me finding somewhere to lay my head to rest and nurse my aching head.

If I could, could forget him
I would, please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby, it's not, not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I were sane there'd be no competition

The song's lyrics set up a likely dilemma for a soap opera. Girl has a boyfriend. Girl falls in love with someone else. Someone else is not as nice as her boyfriend but she wants to break from her boyfriend anyway. My situation in 1994 is almost like that but not. I had a boyfriend and I meet someone else and fall in love with someone else. However, unlike the lyrics of the song, someone else treated me just as good, if not better than the boyfriend. So the position of the song doesn't quite fit with my situation but it reminded me of it nonetheless.

I wish I could say that my break from the boyfriend was drama free but it so wasn't. Someone Else stood by me through the many ups and downs that accompanied a relationship with me and the crazy break up with my boyfriend. I knew he was going to be someone special to me the minute I laid my eyes on him. We were driving past him and his friends. He was sitting on a car laughing. I will never forget that strange feeling I had when I saw him and this was before we even met formally. Like I said, I wish I were a better girlfriend and remained true to my man but that was not in the stars. Someone else stole me away. Well, I wouldn't say stole because I went with him willingly. Whole-heartedly.

It was just going to be a fling. That's what I had put into my mind. Boyfriend would never be the wiser. That is not how it turned out. When "someone else" and I met, there was a definite buzz between us. Electricity. Sparks. Flames. Hell, it was a fire even with the gnawing headache that I was nursing. After meeting that Sunday evening, flirting, we exchanged numbers then parted ways. There was no denying the attraction between us and I was curious where the sparks would lead.

MONDAY LUNCH TIME - He calls me. We make plans to meet up again. I was so impressed that he called when he said he would.... and the butterflies fluttered aimlessly through my belly.

MONDAY NIGHT - A few of my girls accompanied me to his apartment. After all, we just met and I wasn't comfortable going there by myself. His room mates were there also. And with all the people around us, both he and I just wanted to be alone. The animal attraction between us was sparking hotter than it was the night before. We were both being polite for all the other people there. If they weren't there, our lips would have locked a whole lot sooner. Instead, we kissed as I was attempting to leave with my girls and the rest is history.

I saw him the entire time that boyfriend was off on a work trip. I was instantly smitten by "the someone else" and I knew I could not return to my boyfriend. I tried. I really did. Someone else and I even agreed to continue seeing each other even after my boyfriend returned. I was not happy with boyfriend. Suddenly, he wasn't enough. I tried to pretend that nothing happened while boyfriend was away but I could not forget the way someone else made me feel, the endless conversations we had, how he loved my body, how I felt so safe, and there was just no way to deny that I had fallen madly, deeply in love with someone else.

Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him
When I'm with him, ain't nothing else like it
I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can't go on pretending
Cause I love him, I love him
And I'm so sorry, do you hear me?
I'm so sorry but I love that man
I love that man

In the end - it happened just like the song.

I'm in love with another man
And I'm so sorry, hey
But I love someone else

Senior Year Crush

I recently found a high school classmate via FaceBook. It's funny, the first thing I thought to tell him was how I had a crush on him in High School. Why would I pass that information to him at this stage in our lives? I'm happily married now and its quite inappropriate behavior for a married woman. However the deed is done.

Senior Year. It was a windy day. I had a hat on. My best friend Naomi and I were standing on the 2nd floor balcony of a building. I see "JC" walking toward us. Naomi, of course, knows about my school girl crush and snatches my hat off my head and throws it down. It lands right in front of JC and Naomi tells him, "Hey JC, can you bring Neena's hat for her?" Then she whacks me to go and meet him in the stairwell. He smirks at me and picks up the hat. I'm like ON FIRE with embarrassment. I was so self-conscious. I giggle thinking about it now.

We were just kids then. We're all grown up now. I had wondered what he'd been up to all these years. He's single, never been married, no kids and still waiting on the perfect woman.

He was really quiet in high school. Shy, mysterious, really talented. I wish I had asked him to the prom or something. Lord knows that my senior prom left much to be desired. If I could do it over again, he and I would have gone on at least one date. After college, he picked up and moved to Chicago. I hear he has family there. Now he's in Korea teaching English or something. He's doing well. It was great to run into him on Facebook.

Looking Back... 10 Years Ago

This is an excerpt from my diary.

A Brief Summary of what was goin' on in my life....
I was living in New Mexico prior to this entry being written. I returned to Hawaii to testify in a sexual assault case.... my own.

I got dumped by Shane**... the same Shane** that turned out to be my first husband. So when I returned to Hawaii... I stayed. I couldn't go back to New Mexico because I was living with Shane**. Basically I had nowhere to go back to.

So there I was... a rape survivor... my life in complete turmoil because of the sexual assault. I remember at that time, I couldn't even admit to having been raped. For some reason, I equated it to being weak. I'll blog about the rape later... well... not about what happened but about where I've been.... emotionally.

Without further delay.... here is my diary entry.... 10 years ago.

Sunday, April 23rd, 1995
Dear Pepa, (i named my journal Pepa)
Lastnight, I went cruising with Bernadine and Mae. It was a whole lotta fun. We ran into Luandrias... she has changed her name to Cyrene Autumn. It was so nice to cruise with them but I still wanna go back to New Mexico.

My feelings are still very mixed up. Okay, this is the plan... if I can get on the job in New Mexico and get accepted for school then I'll be straight. And if not, then I'll probably just turn around and come home or go to L.A. or Frisco. I just need my space and I need my man. I want it all. I just don't want Shane** to brush me off. I wish he could love me as much as I for him. I'm so lonely for him. I'm sad... I wanna be with him for a long time to come. At the NCO Club on Friday, I didn't talk to no one... jus' chilled. Everywhere I turned and seen a atall, bald, Black man dressed somewhat like John** --> I'd go crazy and yearn to feel him near. I really miss him but I don't think he'll ever understand.

Oh gosh, it hurts so much. Why did I let him get that close? He says to wait 'til August... when he gets back from Saudi Arabia. I gotta know. I'm trying so hard to understand him. He says COMMITMENT is what is scaring him away and it's not me. How can that be? He thinks that I'm pressing him to marry me. Sure... it would be so nice to spend the rest of my life with him but only if he feels the same. He just flipped my world upside down again. But I'm prepared to wait for as long as I see fit.

He says there's nothing wrong with me... I'm PERFECT!... but I wanna know why he can't trust me or why it gotta end. I told him that if he never puts his heart on the line he'll never know how fulfilling it can be. I give up already. I always get close and then get jacked in the end. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It hurts so much. He makes it seem so easy to throw it all away and I told him that. He said it ain't even like that. Then, what's it like? He seems immuned to it all. It's tearing me up inside. Maybe he's right about me tryin' to get him to marry me but I still, feel too young. But I can see him and I, but it's all up to him.

I always end up with the bad end of the deal! Every man that has ever come into my life has hurt me, either by not reciprocating the feelings or just bein' a DOGGY DOGG. When is someone ever gonna love me for what I am? When are they gonna see that I'm a good woman? Physically, I can feel my heart breaking and my stomach is hurting. Love me today. I just feel sick. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm losing the ONLY person who has been there for me since the RAPE. And I'm gonna miss it.

******************

I read that today and just had to laugh. Shane** had me whooped for a good long time. My life has changed... but I only realize it when I go back to my old journals. I'm actually grateful for having these journals to look at and read and see where I've been. When I broke up with Shane**, I was soooo tempted to burn ALL OF THEM. BooBoo convinced me otherwise.

But probably, more important is the growth I've experienced within the past 10 years.



**Name changed to protect the past

Baby Come Back

"...Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can't live without you..."

Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a particular moment in your life? I'm completely guilty of this! I was two when this song came out in October 1977. Oddly enough, this song reminds me of the summer of 1986.

So there I was, a budding pre-teen with hopes of boyfriends and endless dates. **LOL** You know that silly age that most girls go through. Boy crazy. I wasn't that bad cuz I had a mother that was on ME all the time and I ain't mad at her for it. (My mother KEPT ME IN CHECK when it came to boys.)

One evening, I'm laying in the middle of a grassy field, under the stars, the ocean crashing against the shore just 50 yards away. Who am I laying out with? That summer, he was my best friend. I don't know where the rest of the kids our age were. We kinda just slipped away. Somewhere off in the distance, Baby Come Back is playing. We hear it on the wind.

He lay out his sleeping bag for us. We had intentions of playing UNO but the battery to our flashlight went out. So we sit there and talk. I never looked at this boy as a boy. He was just a person that I happened to click with. We sat there for hours... laughing, talking then laughing some more.


"...Now that I put it all together
Give me the chance to make you see
Have you used up all the love in your heart
Nothing left for me, ain't there nothing left for me..."

I felt this odd giddiness as the evening wore on. He wasn't a person anymore. He was a guy. A really cute guy at that. LOL... and I was transformed into a princess. The last words we spoke that evening were about him moving away and how we'd promise to keep in touch. We drifted off into a deep slumber.

I woke to my mother screaming at me about falling asleep next to a boy. LOL... it was completely innocent yet she took it to another level. I look back and laugh at it now. He probably does too. If he even remembers me. I hear BABY COME BACK and this is the memory it conjures up. I miss that innocense.