Today would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I can't say why he would throw it all away. All I can do is move forward with my life.
In the days immediately following him telling me he wanted a divorce, I told him that I would love him forever. He emphatically stated, with much confidence, that WE will never be again; that HE will never see me in that light. He said that he would still like to be friends and that he would always look out for me. It seems a sweet thing to say except that he had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it so it was more heartbreaking than it was sweet.
Even though I said those words to him, that I would love him romantically forever, I have to move forward. I cannot wait for him. I will not wait for him to come back to me because that is an unknown factor that I refuse to waste any time on. Whatever he's going through, he has made it clear that I am not his confidant to help him through it. His desire to be single and free is above anything that we ever had together. It makes me sad but that does not devalue who I am. I have to be okay with that. I have to take him at face value and believe him when he says he will never love me romantically again.
So today, I let go of the idea of us and I open myself up to the adventures ahead. I love to be in love. I love the feeling of being truly, madly, deeply in love with someone and that that someone can mirror my intensity. It's funny how the world works and how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Though I choose not to marry any time soon, I know that I will love again. And this next time might be the right time. And that new love will grow and grow. And that my heart and my body, and my mind, and my soul will be cherished and never taken for granted.
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring whether I will walk through life alone all my days or that I will find a mate. All I know is that my heart has let go of what could be with my ex and I am now embracing every tomorrow, moment by moment. I will look for the magic and the bliss that comes with falling in love. And I will look for that truly, madly, deeply feeling. Everyone deserves happiness including my ex and I wish him well on his journey. I harbor no ill feelings toward him and I take full responsibility for the part I played in the demise of our relationship.
Happy almost-13th-wedding anniversary to you, ex-husband. You are still so beautiful to me but you have chosen your path and I only wish you well. Step In The Name of Love!