"...when you have nothing to be ashamed of, when you know who you are and what you stand for, you stand in wisdom. Insight. Strength and Protection. You stand in peace." ~Oprah Winfrey
I am aging.
You are aging.
We are all aging and there's one guarantee in life - we are all going to die eventually.
The older I get, the more it becomes a reality and that my youthful thoughts of living forever young are fading. I still feel young but I know that I'm no spring chicken. I still feel the invincibility of youth but the reality is that Father Time is ticking away.
I cherish all the connections I have made in my lifetime with friends and family. At some point, our friends play a larger role in our lives because we actually get to pick our friends. Whereas, we don't really have a choice with our family.
So, moving forward, I know I need to reach out to my friends and family more often. I need to make it a point to call for no other reason than to say hello and connect. There are very few that I trust to share the intimate details of my life for fear of judgement. I don't really care to hear EVERYONE's opinion on my life. And yet my life is an open book if you ask me the right questions. (I don't volunteer just any kind of information.)
Being connected and feeling connected is an important component in my life. Even with the thousands of miles between my immediate family and I, I still feel so connected to them and involved in their comings and goings. My nieces and nephews are my heart and my soul and I believe that connection that I have with them is because of my deep, unconditional love for them. Perhaps I can incorporate that unconditional love approach to all of the people I am connected to you.
I don't know.
What I do know is that we all need to get connected -- to our friends and family, to our innermost desires, and to what is most authentic to us.
I heard some heartbreaking news this morning. A death of a dear friend from my high school and college years. It has me feeling some kind of way. Though I don't have all the details, the word is that he died of a heart attack. News spreads like wildfire with social media. Death from heart attacks are so sudden. You can't prepare to let go like you do with a cancer patient or any other terminal illness. With sudden deaths, you just have to let go.
We had two nicknames for each other. The first one was Blue Zebra because it was a club on Restaurant Row in Honolulu. I was with him the first time he went. There was a whole bunch of us that went together. He was fresh off a 2-year LDS mission and so brand new to the club scene. Me? I had been using my cousin's ID to get into clubs since I had turned 17. Anyway, as we walked into the club, I wanted to go to the bar side to drink. He was like, "Can you just stay here and dance?" I rolled my eyes at him and told him that there were all our other friends that he could dance with. He seemed content with that answer and I made my way to the bar. After that night, we called each other Blue Zebra. He said I was too much and I told him that he hadn't seen anything yet.
The second nickname we called each other was french fry. And people would ask the question, "Why do we call each other French Fry?" and I would relate this story. It all started in our Macro Economics course in College. The teacher asked for a product so that we could break down all the costs associated with it. Of course, I picked french fry because it WAS and still is one of my favorite foods. Especially the crinkle cut fries. Anyway. he couldn't stop laughing at my answer -- FRENCH FRY. We spent the rest of the class listening to the teacher break down the french fry from potato spuds to distribution to McDonalds and other fast food chains. We always laughed about it when we saw each other. No one ever thought this story was particularly funny or that the french fry was funny. Who cares though? We thought it was funny.
Life is too short to be anything but happy. We get caught up in all the little details of life instead of living in the moment and in the here and now. Death has a way of reminding me about the things that really truly matter. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I will not be a prisoner of my fears. Some of my closest friends have the harshest judgments on my life and how I choose to move about in the world. And I will not be a prisoner of their judgments anymore. I will not fear the unknown or the mysteriousness of my future. There is no more time to live in fear. For right now, there is only LIFE. LIFE and LOVE. Sweet love.
I bid farewell to a dear friend. I can't believe he left in this way but I honor his light and his life. The world is a little dimmer but we will move forward and remember to hold our loved ones a little closer.
I feel so blessed that you are a part of my life. There have been times that we've drifted apart but we always find our way back to each other and pick up wherever we left off. We can sit for hours talking about everything and nothing. I cherish that type of conversation but more than that, I love that you know parts of my history that I don't even have to explain. And because you have seen me repeat the same mistakes over and over, you know when to push me and when to just step back and let me go through it. I think of the times that I have fallen apart with you, crying the ugly cry on your couch. It speaks to your character and your ability to receive me without judging the dumb things that I have done. I never let people see me weak the way that you have seen me and I appreciate that you can see my flaws and call me on them while still being supportive and encouraging. I love that you can see goodness in me because sometimes I need a little reminder that I am kinda smart, and I am kinda talented, and I am kinda beautiful, and I am kinda worthy of goodness. Everyone should have the type of friendship/sisterhood that we enjoy. I can't imagine not having it.
We rang in the New Year together this year and vowed that we would make this year the best yet. I am not disappointed. We did Vegas in March. When I moved into my own place, you and Skeet drove down Memorial Day weekend to "warm" my house up. You filled my linen closet with sheets and comforters and towels and I can't even begin to say how much that meant to me. You threw me the best birthday weekend. The party was non-stop even with your wife and mommy duties. And here we are turning up on your birthday/Labor Day weekend. You always had the best birthday parties when we were back home. Oh my goodness the good times we had in Waialua. The gallons and gallons of jungle juice. The extremely large cooler of every drink imaginable. The food! The music! Good times, I tell ya. A lifetime of it. And there's still more to be had.
WHAT I ADMIRE ABOUT YOU
I love your sense of style. Our shopping trips are the best! And we are always exchanging clothes. I'm happy that the red dress that I love so much looks wayyyy better on you than it does me. Sad to see it go but happy that it fits you like a glove. And I love that we both love to work the thrift stores. I can't imagine buying regular priced items when we can get EVERYTHING we want at a thrift store.
I love how giving you are. I can say, "Ooh I love that," and you will take it off the shelf or off a hanger and give it to me.
I love to watch you "work" a room. You have a way with people that makes them feel welcomed and appreciated - not all the time... but most of the time.
I love how you are very clear about your expectations of people in your life. There are no gray areas and you remain 100% YOU no matter who is standing in front of you. That realness, that genuineness, that authenticity is hard to come by and I am learning to be my most authentic by watching you be you.
I love the way you mother your children. Both of your sons are respectful, intelligent, and kind souls.
I love how much I feel at home with your family and your husband's family. It's like I'm already family. The fact that I am comfortable calling your mother-in-law, "Mom," says a lot about how you made them aware of my significance in your world. Best friends do that kinda shit.
I love how you always know what to say to build me up. On really rough days when I'm sad or lonely, you know the exact time to call and the exact words to say. You will pull examples from our past to let me know that I've overcome hardship before.
WHAT I WISH FOR YOU
...That HEALTH and WELLNESS will attend you and yours
...That you will always experience LOVE in your relationships
...That you will be fulfilled by LIFE's challenges and triumphs
...That you will find richness and ABUNDANCE in the coming days and years
...That you will CELEBRATE you all throughout your life
But most of all, my wish for you is that your dreams are filled with happiness and that you will find joy in every waking moment.
Happy 43rd Birthday, Best Friend! I cannot think of a single place that I would rather be than here in Maryland, celebrating your special day with you and yours.
Alofa Tele,
NeenaLove
P.S. This letter is about a week late but better late than never. I actually started writing it before I drove up to your house with the intention of finishing it while I was there. With all our turn-up and turn-down going on, I didn't have time. Charge it to my inability to plan out my time properly. No surprise there. Haha
I had a conversation with an old friend this past weekend. It was different than any other conversation he and I have ever had. Without disclosing too much about him, I have fond memories of us that go way back. We may have lost touch over the years but we have never lost the closeness that we've shared. When we've seen each other in person, we are still the way we were way back when. The last time I seen him, I was picking food off his plate that he hadn't touched yet. He didn't seem to mind. I will always consider him a "bestie" and he feels the same way too. Up until this point our friendship has always been platonic. NO funny business at all. I suppose it still is platonic because he is married and a very devoted father to his children.
At one point, nearly two decades back, we were hanging out a lot. I was separated from my first husband and he was single. We would take these long rides around the island and just talk and laugh. We have always been able to relate to each other and there were never any awkward silences, ever! In our conversation over Facebook Messenger, he changed the condition of our friendship, somewhat by relating his emotions and feelings. I lifted his exact words from our conversation, "All those times we went cruising, we shoulda made love to this song." The song, you ask? I Wanna Be Loved by Eric Benet. I don't know how long he has thought of me in that way. If these are old feelings from way back when, why did he wait to tell me? If these are new feelings, why now?
Nothing can really blossom from his revealed feelings unless we rendezvous like hormone-crazed teenagers. That would make him an adulterer and me the skanky ho that wanted it. You know how you've been friends with someone so long, you take on a certain persona when you're with them. I was in his "friend zone" and never, in my mind, to be more than that. We have never crossed that line between friends and lovers. I was always very careful not to provoke it because I knew too much about him but mostly because I never thought he was attracted to me. He never tried either.
When we would hang out, we would traverse every topic on the planet from funny and entertaining to heavy and deep. On one of our long drives, I revealed to him my biggest dream - to write. We talked about way more than that and he was actually "with it" too. That was nearly 20 years ago and I'm just starting on the dream. For whatever reason we found ourselves in a conversation about why he and I never hooked up, I am grateful for the way he sees me. Lifted from our conversation, "Sorry about your marriage but I don't think men understand the responsibility and privilege of being with you." That right there! Am I wrong to think that he is seeing value in me in a way that my ex(es) didn't? And if so, why now? I can't lie, it brought tears to my eyes. I carry around this broken heart, trying to move forward but still feeling every bit of inadequate to allow someone to love me again. Who can love a girl that has been abandoned, twice? There must be something wrong with me, right?
He dropped nuggets of advice on me that seem to come from deep inside his heart. What he said to me makes me think that he wants me to have the fairy tale that I always talk about. I feel like his sentiments came from such an unselfish and genuine place and it kind of knocked me off my feet; so much so that I am thinking about it a day later. HIM: For realz tho if us men were mature enough to appreciate a beautiful, intelligent woman like you is better than a million hoochies, you'd get the man you deserve. ME: Maybe one day
So what is the bit of advice that he gave me? HIM: Don't give up hope and for God's sake don't settle.
Simple! And though I've had tons of advice over my lifetime from dearest friends and family, for some reason, those words hit me like a ton of bricks. DON'T SETTLE!
HIM: Rudy Giuliani said, "Never compromise your principles because the worst thing you can do is compromise and lose." You deserve a finished product at this stage of your life.
Okay who walks around with Giuliani quotes in his head? LOL
ME: On the real, I'm not looking for anything. I am going to do me. Make all my dreams come true. HIM: If someone can add to those dreams then let em in. Easy to say but hard to do... but you got this. Remember Five Heartbeats? Your greatest writing will come once you have known pain.
His 'drop the mic' closing sentiment: Still wish we made love but will have to settle for loving you from afar.
There is a song performed by Leann Womack titled I Hope You Dance. The lyrics are beautiful, poetic, and imparts feel-good vibrations all the way around.... except for one line. It says, "Never settle for the path of least resistance." I think the song is flawed because of that one line. It should have said something like, "Don't give up even though it's hard," "Be persistent."
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin' Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
I made the move out to South Carolina because it is and has been the path of least resistance. There have been so many events that are seemingly unrelated yet in my mind they have sequentially pointed me in one direction. That direction is for me to make this move to South Carolina.
Don't let some hellbent heart leave you bitter When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
No one ever falls in love thinking that it will end. I have always walked in the direction of love with fierce enthusiasm and the best intentions and ever so optimistic that this time it will be forever. It's not a secret that I have tucked away two romances. I cherish both of them and their presence and season in my life for different reasons. And now I stand in my own truth, my middle-aged self, that I must live for me and only me; that I must dream for me and walk in that dream. I cannot live to be a wife or to be a daughter, a sister, or aunt though I cherish all of those titles and the responsibilities that come with them.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
Today, I walk in my truth and in my happiness - happiness that has alluded me for a very long time. My divorce from my ex-husband has opened me up to all the possibilities of my life. There is so much power in discovering who I am and standing confidently in my authenticity. I no longer worry about what people say or think of the big dreams that I have or even of the seemingly small decisions that I make. Traveling this road alone has been tough. I counted so much on my ex to be my cheerleader and to support my crazy ideas. Most of the time, if my desires did not fit his, he would shoot them down and not support it. So now that I don't have him in my world, I realize that he was not my cheerleader and he is no longer stopping me from doing the thing I want to do the most. I am free to move about as I see fit.
May you never take one single breath for granted God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I am beginning to let the "real me" emerge as I abandon old belief systems in favor of my own crafted version of the meaning of life. My search for happiness is now a path of happiness. I choose to be in a state of happiness no matter what the circumstances of my life are. I am not searching. I am not waiting for happiness to happen. Everything happening around me cannot disrupt the happiness I feel right now and in every single moment. Even when I'm shedding tears of sadness, the tears are just a means to let go of sad emotions and to make room for joy.
I hope you dance.
I hope I dance.
I am choosing to never sit out on experiencing life ever again. I will allow my own sense of morality to guide me and not inhibit me from participating in the great dance of life. There should never be guilt or shame around someone choosing to be exactly who they feel they are inside. Judgement over someone that has a different lifestyle than your own is antiquated and fosters a sense of exclusivity rather than inclusion. And right now, I am all about giving love to anyone I come in contact with. That is the best way I can serve the world by spreading love.
I traveled to Las Vegas recently with my best friend. We have both had a rough couple of years with separate life trials. A Girl's Trip seemed an appropriate way to, sort of, decompress. She just went through 18 months of dealing with her young son having cancer. Thankfully, he is in remission. Me, of course, I am dealing with the divorce from my husband of thirteen years. Aside from the wonderful activities we engaged in, from shopping and gambling to attending world-class shows, much of our time was spent talking through our pent up emotions. The really deep discussions always ended up with both of us sobbing our eyes out. And actually the joyous conversations, where we celebrated our small triumphs, also ended in tears - of happiness of course.
At the end of our trip, as we made our way to separate gates, I thought to myself that she's overflowing with love (after a much needed getaway) and she gets to go home to a family that's anticipating her arrival. For a quick second I felt sorry for myself as I had no one waiting at home for me. There was no one to pick me up from the airport. There was no one that was missing me and waiting for me to come home. At the end of my journey was an empty bed and no one to share all the fun experiences I had in Vegas. There are perks to being single and being completely free to operate without permission from another person, however the perks are sometimes unfulfilling. I hope that when I do find someone who loves me the same way that I love, that he will never stifle my desire to be free.
My ex and I was texting the other day and he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said, "YES." I was surprised at how emotional I became with our conversation. He said he was not seeing anyone and reminded me how he always used to say that if we didn't work out that he would be done with relationships. And we did always say that. I said I would never marry again if we ever split NEVER thinking that we would ever split. I thought he was my forever. I didn't have a Plan B. I don't have a Plan B. I'm figuring it out every single day.
ME: I never wanted to be alone in life. I don't like being alone. HIM: I just do ME: To each his own. It's rough trying to get to know someone new. I'm too old for this. HIM: Yea that's why I don't. ME: I like being a wife. HIM: You about to get married? ME: No. Hell no. I'm just saying I like being a wife.
And there, that last statement explains it all.
I do like being a wife. The clearly defined roles in a relationship from the past are changing or have changed. Most modern women shy away from the domestic duties that come with relationships. I enjoy it. Serving my home is how I show my love. My love is big, It's generous. It's loyal. And I only want to share that with one person. I don't want to spread myself out even though that seems to be the trend of the dating world. In return, however, I want the same big love and loyalty and genuine affection.
As I boarded the plane in Las Vegas with the final destination being Charlotte, North Carolina, the only thing I could think of is the empty home waiting for me. And this season that I'm in, unmarried and childless, I suppose is my time to chase and achieve every single dream I have ever dreamed. There is nothing holding me back except myself. I resolved, on that flight, to not sit in self-pity because my home is empty. I resolved to fill it with all my hopes and all my dreams and with pure, self-love. I vowed to use this time, use the pain of a broken heart to push me into a life bigger than I can currently imagine for myself. My home is full of love because my heart is full of love and though my heart is a little banged up right now, I still BELIEVE in love! And why do I still believe in and search for love even after experiencing so much heart ache? In all the ways a person loves and seeks love, what is the thing that makes the pursuit of it all worthwhile?
If there is anything that I have learned over the past 20 months, it is the unbelievable amount of support I have. I am extremely humbled and so grateful for the many souls that continue to push me, support me, and encourage me. The past 20 months has truly been difficult; full of so much change and discovery, a myriad of emotions, tears, grief, triumph, fear, and love. Sweet Love. And with all of the ups and the downs, I feel so alive. I feel like I am living at the edge of my previously well-defined limits and pushing, ever pushing my known boundaries. This move to South Carolina, at first, was so scary. I was terrified and yet I felt so excited and invigorated. I still feel so invigorated by being here.
There is so much that I have discovered about myself. I fight against the old me that says, "I can't." In reality, I am discovering that, "I Can and I Will..." I will live my biggest dream. The path ahead is unknown except that I will do whatever it takes to publish, to extend my entrepreneurship beyond its current limitations, and move ever so quickly into prosperity. Breaking through my limitations is difficult only that I have known one way for all of my life. I saw my parents do it and I do it now - the comfort of a job with salary and benefits. I feel myself falling into that comfortable, familiar place where everything is predictable and I swore that I would never be that girl again. I don't want to fall into the hum drum of predictability. And going to a 9 to 5, I feel so underutilized. I know how many talents and gifts I have been blessed with and it is wasting away at a regular job because this regular job requires so little of me. It is NOT challenging. **sigh**
I need constant reminders from people holding me accountable. My closest friends/family are ON ME about the goals and things I said I would achieve. And when they check me and I give a million excuses for why I haven't done what I said I would do I am reminded to get back on the wagon and write and put into action all of my grand plans.
I just want to say how grateful I am for the women and men that push me and prod me into productivity. I want to say thank you to the ladies (and my brothers) that lets me cry it out until my vision is clear. And surely they must be tired of my swollen eyes full of tears, snot running down my face, ugly cry and yet they still listen. I want to say thank you to my popps who never judges me and allows me to blossom in my own way. He really gets me and he is always there when I need him. ALWAYS! I am ever grateful for the husbands of the wives who are my closest friends. Surely, those women would not be able to support me in ALLLL of my times of need without the willingness of their husbands. So even though the title of the blog is an Homage to the Sisterhood, I know that there are men behind the scenes that support me too.
I am learning to trust my own voice. I commit to trusting the power in my thoughts and in my words. Though I value the words of those closest to me, ultimately, I am the one that must follow my authentic path. I see so clearly my rising star. I welcome it. I am happy to accept the responsibility that comes with all my gifts and talents.
This past weekend I went to Vegas with the bestie. We had both talked about doing a girls trip for a long time and it just happened to be our 25th High School Reunion. So we went and had a blast. Thank you to her hubby for agreeing to this trip.
One of the things that makes her my bestie is that I NEVER have to hide my true feelings from her, no matter what is going on in my life. I am NEVER afraid to speak my truth with her. She never judges, never makes me feel bad for wanting what I want even if it makes NO SENSE to her. And the funny thing is that most times, she can see through my facade when I'm trying to "fake it" and usually calls me on it after entertaining me for awhile. I feel no shame if I begin to sob my eyes out because 100% of the time, she's sobbing her eyes out with me.
Every time we get together we do a little bit of everything. We do some partying, pampering at the spa, we've added gambling to our fun-things-to-do (even before this trip), watch some really good shows, movies, shopping, eating. We even snuck in a visit to a psychic (so random) and a stop at REVOLT Tattoo -- all the while catching up on our lives. And the catching up part is where we let go of all our frustrations and try to make sense of the things happening in our lives, separately.
I cherish the catching-up-part. Especially during this trip. I spoke my truth and I feel so good that I actually admitted it to myself and told my best friend. It's nobody's business what my deepest desire is and when I spoke the words to her - she had the biggest smile and tears of joy that I finally came clean about it. (There is one other person I told but he and I have not spoken since last October.) After unburdening myself from "my truth," I felt different. It was like my mind changed in an instant and I believe that my deepest desire will happen for me.
The first night we arrived, we opened up our bags. We both had bought outfits for each other. She says that the stuff I buy her is wayyy too short and I tell her the stuff she buys for me is too tight or sexy. But it's what we do. We played dress up with all our new outfits before we went out to meet up with our classmates at a Korean Karaoke Bar. Oh my goodness, SoJu is my new drink - peach flavored.
If I talked about everything we did, each day would have its own post. We packed a lot of things into our short weekend. Something we started doing as we left the hotel is take a picture in the full length mirror. I share the pictures below. We always have a good time when we're together. Next girl's trip... NYC?
On my social media accounts, I have been mentioning that I am going to Las Vegas soon. It's my 25th High School Class Reunion. I went to Kahuku High School, a little school on the north shore of O'ahu. I love my hood and my classmates. We really are a tight bunch. Seeing everyone on Facebook, I'd say that we all pretty much look the same - just a little older and a little wiser. When did we get so old? I am just ready to chill and DO NOTHING or EVERYTHING. Hang out. Turn up. Shop. Sleep in. Stay up late. Gamble. Spa pampering. Catch a few shows. Sip margaritas by the pool.
I don't know the last time I went to Vegas without a "chaperone". Meaning -- no parents, no husband, no boyfriend. It's just me and my bestie and all the classmates that will be there. I don't expect to go to all of the planned activities but I will try to make the ones I can. I suppose this is my Girl's Trip for this year.
Last year I went to San Jose, California where a bunch of us girls converged and partied and hung out. We were actually there for a wedding. We partied until it was time to get on the plane. Whewww... Dancing til 2'ish then breakfast at Matrix Casino to end the night had me almost missing my flight. Thankfully, I did make it just by the skin of my teeth. I expect to have the same adventures this time around.
I feel like I had my core group of friends in high school but that I was friendly with everyone. I hate the idea of cliques. I was a nerd meaning I attended the GT classes in intermediate and then AP classes when I got to high school. No one would have guessed that of me, I bet. I was an athlete. I played volleyball my freshman year in high school then moved to a private league for the rest of high school. I was on the Track & Field team and went to States all three years. My senior year, I was the State shot-put champion. So funny to think of it now. I so did not want to be at that track meet in Maui because our May Day program was happening at the same time back on O'ahu and I was missing it. For some strange reason, I was a football statistician for the Varsity squad, my senior year. I guess that's why I'm still so comfortable being on the football field on game nights. I was involved in everything. Student government, student activities, yearbook co-editor, blah blah blah... and I cherished my years at Kahuku High School. I don't know how many people can say that about high school. And I know there were some people that did not have a good experience and I can only hope that I did not contribute to their bad experiences. Some of my closest friends I have known since we were in diapers and I am still in touch and close with my friends from high school.
And even though many of us (my classmates) did not hang out regularly in high school, I bet we have so much more in common now. 25 years of life experiences is a whole lot of learning and growing and hopefully finding peace and love in our hearts. I know I have been through so many changes and the one thing that I am so certain of today is that I love people, unconditionally and without judgement -- at least I try to. And I know that it's possible to love humanity unconditionally because I love myself unconditionally. I don't need anyone to approve of who I am or who I am becoming because I accept myself in my totality, flaws and all.
So my wish for my classmates, as we converge on Sin City, is that we remain healthy and full of love. That our trials will turn to triumphs all the time! That our hearts will be soft in a world that wants us to be hard. That we remember our friendships from the past and create new bonds for the future. Hugs and sunshine kisses everyone!!!
This is the winning picture that won the $40 Amazon Card. There are a couple of reasons that I selected this picture. The green is in the background -- the coconut leaf and also the man's shirt. All the dancers in the pic are near and dear to me but ESPECIALLY the chubby cutie with the glasses. I will never ever forget that girl. She left us on February 11th, 2001 - transitioned from this planet to the great somewhere out there in the wide universe. I talk about her throughout the blog but THIS POST is one of my favorites.
There will never be, in this life, another friend like Michele (pronounced ME-SHA-LAY). You know in the Lion King when Simba runs away and meets Pumba and Timon? They regale Simba with Hakuna Ma Tata. No Worries! Our problem-free philosophy. That was Mish. Nothing bothered her and if it did, she held it deep inside and it manifested with cracking the funniest jokes and being the life of the party. I miss her. Wish she were around. Not only was she funny but she loved everybody and was NEVER mean.
To my dear sis that posted the pic - thank you for reminding me of enduring friendship through the years. Love you!
I have been traveling since 14 June. I left Honolulu, Hawai'i and
made my way to Baltimore, Maryland first. I hung out with my bestie in
her hood, with her family, and spent a bunch of time with her son who is
fighting cancer right now. It broke my heart to witness some of the
struggles that he is going through and at the same time, I marvel at the
strength with which he perseveres. I pray he will be able to fight this
fight and triumph over this ugly plague.
On Thursday,
22 June, I made my way down to Blythewood, South Carolina where my
cousin just bought a home and is moving in. I am here to help her unpack
her things but more than that, I'm here to listen to her tell me what
she thinks about what's going on with me. She always tells me that her
life changed when I gave her a couple of bits of advice that she took to
heart. I find that so funny that I can give advice on someone else's
problems but can't seem to solve my own. I guess that's just the way it
is. There is absolutely no doubt that she is my "soft spot" to land. And
there is no doubt that I feel like I am hitting rock bottom right now
and need a soft spot to land. My rock bottom does not seem too bad when I
step back and look at the big picture but it feels like crap and I just
wish I could be done with all this hard stuff.
South
Carolina is beautiful. My "real" camera was lost in a car accident that I
was involved in a couple of months ago. Thank God that my cell phone
takes pretty good pictures. Some of these older, historic towns have so
much character. I love how green it is here and the acres and acres of
trees all around. Some areas have beautiful rolling hills and corn
fields. I love the slow, slow pace in the small towns. The heat and
humidity is right up my alley. The only thing missing for me is the
ocean. The coast has the ocean but it doesn't quite look like the
Pacific. I don't think I will ever find a place on this planet as
beautiful as my island home.
Last
night I was listening to someone sing a cover of Whitney Houston's
song, "I Have Nothing." I don't know why that song just rocks me every
time I hear it. This whole break-up/divorce from my ex is just so
overwhelming. I seek for "band-aids" in the form of men or a man to
soothe my aching heart, to validate me, to make me feel needed and
wanted. And the strange thing is that I know that I need to piece myself
back together and not rely on any outside forces to make my heart feel
better. I must gather the strength and courage to stand alone through
this until I am completely at peace with the circumstances of my life. I
want to throw myself into my writing with fierce passion and spread my
wings and fly above my pain. I feel so broken inside that the only thing
that I really can do to make it all better is take care of me.
So
often, I break down and shed tears just thinking of the life I had
before all of this. I miss him so much and yet I'm so mad at him for
putting me in this predicament. For giving up on us. For leaving me so
lost in love and so broken. I pretend that life is good and that I'm
moving toward a beautiful life but this part right now, this transition
thing happening, it hurts like hell. I feel like I don't belong anywhere
and I'm faced with the madd reality that I am alone in this world. I
miss his companionship. I miss his scent. I miss his beautiful smile. I
miss his strong arms holding me tight. I wish him well today and every
day and hope that he finds his happiness.
As my friend and I were driving around Euless and Arlington, I noticed how big the sky is here. The beauty of the setting sun behind the clouds, its rays extending out was such a sight to behold. I am grateful to be here to observe God's creations. I am absolutely obsessed with the sky here.
The last time I was here with my sister-friend, at the same time, was back in 1995. I spent a weekend with her and we partied like rockstars. Granted I was only 19 at the time and unable to go to the bars, we still had a great time. My drink of choice was Zima. It was a clear malt liquor that kind of tasted like alka setzer. I was just learning what kind of alcohol I liked. At the time, I had no desire to drink beer. It tasted nasty so when I sampled Zima on a vacation to Los Angeles in the summer of 1993, it became my drink of choice. Not that I am very fond of alka-seltzer but it was better than beer. I had not even sampled hard liquor yet.
So here we are back in Texas, nearly 22 years later. We are grown now and have no desire to be in the bar except on special occasions. We rather sit in a restaurant and sip hot tea or coffee and chat it up, eat, and relax. My life is so different today than it was 22 years ago, as it should be. The one constant is our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be in a marriage and I think one has to do that to make the relationship work. My friendship with my sister-friend is one of the things that suffered because I had to put my marriage first. And I think I did right, for the sake of my marriage, but I surely missed being with my friends. I am just grateful that they are still here for me.
I am excited again as I prepare to fly out on another get-away. I am so grateful for all my friends all over the country that keep me busy and keep me looking forward to new experiences. This is my fourth trip in two months. I recount the other trips in a previous post, Endings Mean Beginnings. These trips have been so much more than just visiting a new place. I have renewed and restored broken friendships and have reignited the fire that was dying inside of me. I can't blame my ex-husband for that. For whatever reason, we were just meant for a season of our lives. I absolutely adore him or at least who he was before he realized he was unhappy with how his life was turning out. We had such good times. I cherish them and will remember them for a long time to come. All of our trips to San Francisco and other exotic destinations. Heck, we live in an exotic locale. But I have made peace in my heart and respect his choice. It is all I can do to deal with the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. I move forward. One step at a time.
I miss how he was so protective of me when he loved me. Every woman wants to feel protected. When he and I went to that Jeffrey Osborne concert that I blogged about recently, we ended up at Rumours night club to finish off the night. It was back in July. I had been looking forward to that concert for months. Even though things were already strange between my ex and I, I thought the concert would be good for us. There was some African guy that was actin' stupid and my husband went and mushed him in the face. I remember thinking how grateful I was that my husband was strong and unafraid of anyone. I also thought he was incredibly stupid for picking a fight over nonsense. We ended up leaving before we got kicked out.
On another note, while we're at Rumours there was a woman there who kept coming near us and dancing around us. I felt her energy and I looked right at my husband and said, "Do you know her?" He didn't even answer me. 'Til this day, I'm convinced she was one of the reasons I just wasn't enough for him anymore. It could be just my imagination but I have a pretty good sense of intuition and I trust my gut. He will probably never admit to it but I don't need him to. I know who he was before we married and I know he was craving to be that single guy again.
Anyway, Christmas Day will find me on a flight to DFW to visit one of my dearest friends. The last time I visited her in Texas was back in 1995. I was living in Clovis, New Mexico with my boyfriend at the time (he turned out to be my first love slash first husband). Fusi and I have seen each other over the years but the last time we were in Texas together was way back in '95. I am looking forward to doing it up and ringing in 2017 with her, God-willing.
She is the definition of fun... just like my dear and departed Michele. I feel so blessed to have known Michele and to still have Fusi in my life. When I think of really fun times where I laugh and laugh til I can't laugh anymore - it is these two individuals who come to mind. And yet, at the same time, we have had tender moments also where everything wasn't all laughs and giggles. But for the most part, some of the funnest times I've had has been with one of them or both of them. So I look forward to Texas and the new experiences that are on their way.
I spoke to a dear friend of mine yesterday. BFF!! She'll be visiting in August. This is the first time in awhile that she's come home from Maryland. We rarely talk but it doesn't matter one bit. When I think of her, I drop her a greeting card in the mail and call it a day.
Us in St. Louis, the snow was falling hard. From the airport we headed to the mall to get BooBoo some warm clothes.
I'm not one of those girls that has to be in touch all the time. I can NOT see or speak to you in years but at first sight I can pick up wherever we left off. There are no awkward silences with me unless I mean to do that. So, if you know me and maybe we've lost touch over the years, trust me when I say that I.HAVE.NOT.CHANGED a bit!
Hanging out in Waikiki, chit chatting and talking about life.
I'm still wild, still adventurous. I can be shy sometimes and maybe even a little controlling. The laugh is still loud, the voice still booming but not much else has changed. I am who I have always been... a girl from Hau'ula Park Place.
One of my favorite pictures of us. This night was FANTASTIC!!
Anyway, it was so refreshing to have a conversation with her. One that is always free from judgement. I can always be who I am ...authentically... without wondering if she would still be my friend when all is said and done. She knows every secret that I have to tell and I miss having that in my life. She lives on the East Coast so I have no one to vent to anymore because the time zones keep us from having a convenient time to talk. She used to be that sounding board for me. **sigh** I'm so glad she's coming here and I'm glad that she's bringing her husband along this time. I have never met him and I look forward to our week long adventure.
A dear friend of mine, Neta, lost her son today. He was born a month or two ago with Spina Bifida. Baby Casen donned his angel wings today and I wanted to post this in his honor.
I wrote the lyrics to this song back in 1991 and another dear friend of mine, Omi, put it to music. I wrote it when another dear friend, Jenika, lost her son a month after his birth. In 1991, we were just juniors in high school when Jenika bore her first child. We were all there in the hospital when Baby Tyrayl took his last breath. It was very peaceful.... but still so very sad. Hearing the news today that Neta lost Baby Casen made me think of Baby Tyrayl. (A group of us sang this at his memorial service.)
I love my friends. I'm grateful for all of them in my life. Though I don't have children of my own and I could probably never understand a mother's love, I ache and hurt for my friends who have lost a child. **Sending love to Neta in Pensacola, Florida**
* * * * * * * * * *
Tyrayl's Song
Mom and Dad, will you remember me?
Mom and Dad, will you still be mine?
Although my time on earth on is done
I will still love you and always will
Mom and Dad, will I see you again?
Mom and Dad, will I feel your touch?
Please be strong until the end
I will wait for you, til we meet again
Chorus:
Dear Father, hear my plea (hear my plea)
Please bless my mom and dad
Give them strength to understand
This is our Savior's plan
Bridge:
Firm and strong, I will be someday
For you to love and hold I pray
I will always live in your memory
So just close your eyes and I'll be there
(Repeat Chorus)
My High School Alma Mater held their annual Junior/ Senior Prom this past weekend. I had a blast helping my baby boy get through it all. He was a nervous wreck throughout the entire week. This was his first and only formal event. When I was in high school I went to EVERYTHING. Every single banquet. Every single prom. Every single winter ball. I attended every single event with a different date so I had a lot of practice interacting with persons of the opposite sex. Anyway, here are some of the pics that I snapped.
Classic Looks
I love her dress. Classic. Elegant!
One of my favorite pictures of the day.
Flower. Flowers... my favorite ones too... Red and White Roses!
I didn't really like the LADY GAGA-esque look but to each his own. She rocked it.
Very nice.
Both of these boys... my babies! They grew up so fast. **sigh**
My baby boy and his date... very nice pic!
My other baby boy and his date.
Loved this dress. Very classy!
One of my favorite dresses of the evening!
Another favorite dress. All the beading and sequins was very nice!
The yellow dress was OUTSTANDING!
Another favorite dress!
I love their style!
Puanani blew me away with this dress. It is a hit!
This was the MOST original color dress of the evening. Very nice!
