TBT: 1994 July 20th

Wednesday
July 20th, 1994

Aroha?! So I'm here in California. I'm happy but anyway. It may sound stupid but I miss Shane. Yeah, I do!! There's just something about him. Uh huh. But if I'm gonna have fun, I have to just enjoy my time and stop worrying about him. I know we aren't committed to each other but as close as we are, I guess we don't need it. Still, he's still seeing Lori --> the OTHER woman. I gave up Thomas not exactly for Shane but honestly... Shane was part of the reason. But what we did break up for is because things just aren't working. I don't think it could. I guess maybe because I didn't give it a chance. Why should I when Shane makes me worlds happier. That's just how he is.

Today, we got in about 6am. Aunty Lesieli picked us up at the Oakland Airport. Oakland is soo huge as compared to the cities in Hawaii. Anyway, traffic wasn't too heavy. (I wanna call Shane)... Got here in Richmond and we just kicked it in the house. Went to sleep. You know, just rested up. I wasn't supposed to call Hawaii besides mom but I called Shane's work twice. Well, at least I got some paper to write him and stuff. After we all got some sleep, we went to Frisco and Larkspur. Just cruisin' and all-a-dat. Can you believe I haven't spent a dime yet? Pretty good. Weather here --> very cold! 50 degrees maybe or less. It's the middle of summer, what's up with that? :-) Oh, we rode on the Bay Area ferry. We sat on the sun desk and it was FREEZING!! Dang, we went out there by Pier 39 and Fishermans Warf. All the way live. I'm tellin 'ya. Uh huh.

TBT: 1994 July 19th

Tuesday
July 19th, 1994

Aroha?! Well, I'm on my way to the States. Excited. But you know somethin'... I miss Shane. It was good to be with him before I left. He came to the terminal. Of course it's on Hickam so it was not a problem! I think?! :-) Anyway... I was standing by the pay phones. That's where he said he'd come. I turned the corner and there he was. I was so happy. I thought he wasn't gonna come. Why I thought that, I do not know. It was so neat cause he took me out on the flight line. He showed me all the planes and their purpose. Talk about grand tour. After we came in from the flight line, he went to smoke a cigarette and I went and got the camera. I couldn't conceal the happiness I felt. It was written all over my face. No doubt about that. Then I made Michelle come and take a picture of he and I cause I don't have one. Then she wanted Shane to take her on the flight line. She's so funny.

Shane and I was just rappin' about this two week separation. Dang, I miss him already. Slow tears falling. All i have is this tiger to remember him by. The one he bought for me. We were walking to the plane and Shane pulled up in the truck and we said goodbye one last time. Tonight, I had the urge, when he pulled up in the truck to tell him -> I LOVE YOU -> but I didn't. He might think it's too soon for all that. And with him leaving in November, LOVE will either make it or die fast and hard. I want us to at least be friends cause he is a friend worth holding on to!!

Thomas was hounding me this morning. Of course, I was irritated. Just leave me alone!! Naw but fo' realz, I feel his love for me but mine just ain't there. I told him "I'll always love you" but as a friend and nothing else. He's taking it the wrong way as if my love is romantic. At one time between the two of us, it was a romance. That has all changed. There're so many pressures in our relationship. So much elements breaking it down and not enough building it up. I think he refuses to accept the fact that things just aren't working. Those L.T.G.'s always gettin' in the way. You know what, I don't even like talking about it anymore. I feel guilty that I have to leave Thomas like I did but my space and time... I'm taking what's mine.

 

TBT: 1994 July 18th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday = This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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Monday
July 18th, 1994

Just chillin'... doin' nothin'. Trying to make this journal readable. Or at least exciting. Well, I was just talkin' to Shane about me missin' my doctors appointment this morning. I guess I was just too lazy to go. Upset about what was told to me last time and afraid of what it would show this time. You know? Well, Shane was kinda disappointed and inside I felt bad. This man cared about what's happening to me. I'm frustrated with myself for not even making and effort to go. But anyway... I'm fixin' to go to San Francisco tomorrow. Gotta get outta Hawaii. Ya know?! Get away from Thomas. Shane drives me crazy. Now I know I'm feeling too much. I can't believe I actually consented to seeing someone who already has a "FRIEND". I think I'm crazy for actually doing that. There's just too many feelings. Too much emotions to deal with. I think about him all the time. I mean, he's seeing that other girl and it's driving me nutzo. I just don't know how to tell him... I don't wanna lose him because he does want his freedom. I don't wanna tell him how I feel and get rejected. Especially now in my life, I really don't need rejection. You know, we started with an agreement that we'd be free from those unnecessary bonds. I mean we'd be free to see who we wanted to. I mean there'd be no problems. But now it's so different. I fell different! But if committment and love come into the picture right now, I think I'd put a strain on it. A strain on our friendship. There's already enough pressures on it anyway. In the very beginning, the both of us wanted to get away from the committment thing. The both of us had Fatal Attractions stalking us. I had Thomas. He had that girl he's still seeing. Things just ain't right. I wish sometimes that I never got involved in an awkward relationship such as this one. Like I said, too much feelings!

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A pic of my diary where today's blog post was lifted from. The poems in this post are actually in my diary.

END NOTE: A dear friend of mine wrote the poem, A Fathers Love and Knowledge. I wrote the other one in response to the emotions that arise from rape. I viewed myself as fairly innocent prior to being raped. Even though I had been sexually active and drank and cursed like a sailor, I never felt as dirty as I did in the days and weeks following the rape. I look back at all of this and try not to judge the little girl that I was. I cringe at some of the things that my-little-girl self thought was important back then. I can't believe the things that I put up with in the budding relationship between Shane and I. She was, I am, a work in progress.... always!

TBT: 1994 July 16th

Saturday
July 16th, 1994

Aroha?! I spent the whole day with Shane. He is good to me. And Joe is another one. You know, he gave Shane the house key cause he said he can't see me going back to the house. That made me feel good. I mean, this guy is looking out for me. Joe is just it. I kinda understand why he's backin' me... the same thing happened to his sister. I was sittin' with Joe and Shane listening to them reminisce and I just don't know how they do it. Everyone goes from base to base. They make acquaintances and some may turn into friends. And if you do happen to find a friend --> the friendships run deep and grow strong. Like Shane and Joe. It's been about 2-1/2 hours that I been away from Shane and I really miss him. I wanna be held by him. I am really gonna miss him when he goes but I don't expect our friendship to end. I only hope it'll grow stronger! They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Anyway, Joe, Shane, and myself went to Kailua. They was taking me to Masina's house. You won't believe how happy I was. How happy I still am. I mean Keesa was there. Uncle Henry. Aunty Mata. Brian. Me and Keesa was bonding. She's gonna try and hook me up at Sports Authority. Umhmm.. that big ole store... of nothin' but athletic ware. Okay?! I hope I get it. Lord knows I need a job. Then I can go to Leeward Community College. If I get the 6am to 2pm shift, I can take afternoon classes. Do homework at night and see Shane. I only have limited time with him. I hope things fall into place. It's gonna be on. Okay?!

I  swear, Shane is gettin' to me. His sweetness. He seems to SPOIL me all the time. And you know I don't need that!! I am grateful for his support because I ain't gettin' it from my parents. He is just a strength to me... a constant support. No matter what, I know he is there to pick me up when I fall. Tomorrow, we're supposed to go see The Lion King. I hope he comes to get me. Dang I miss him. The hugs and kisses. The gentle caress. When I'm with him, things seem to be okay. I feel safe and secure. It's like, all I need is him and it feels like everything's gonna be alright. Oh I don't know how to explain it. Time seems to fly with him. Anyway...

Patricia was tellin' me to just slow down. Uncle Henry said to take care of mom and dad. Be good. Slow down.

TBT: 1994 July 13th, 14th & 15th

Wednesday
July 13th, 1994

RAPE! Wouldn't you call it that? Someone continues to touch you... your body... your sexuality... your womanhood... He goes and goes, even to the point of penetration. Tiny R.NewNew. Better known as... Pacman. He's strong. I know I didn't ask for it and I didn't think it was funny. I just wanna sleep it away. Dream it away. Whatever it takes. Maybe he thought I wanted it. He just kept going. Without hesitation. He had no thoughts that maybe, just maybe I didn't wanna BE with him, even though I kept saying no, no, no. I kept saying Get off. At first I thought it was funny when he was flirting. I didn't think he'd do it!

For a moment
Beauty is lost,
The beholder takes what
         He shouldn't.
No thought of consequence,
Just pleasure.
A thief, a robber,
A conqueror, a destroyer.
Ravaging through Bountiful
Turning it to Babylon.
Guilt, shame
Feelings...
Not his.
Mine to deal with.
Mine to be rid of.

He took what he wanted. I didn't provoke him and if I did, "No still means No." He has ruined a beautiful relationship that I have with Shane. I feel like Shane cares about me. I feel his respect for the woman that I am and the woman I someday will be.

I can't believe that Pac did it. I thought he had more sense. He thinks I'm stupid or something. Probably thought I wouldn't open my mouth. Had no respect for me, for Shane, or even for himself. I don't wanna press charges because it'll ruin his life. But dang, he violated me. When it happened this morning... I really didn't get it. But now it's hitting me. Real hard.

Forget the problems because the day itself is beautiful. Not a cloud in sight. Nothin' but blue skies!!

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Thursday
July 14th, 1994

Hey! I've taken the first step toward pressing charges against Mr. NewNew. I talked to his First Sergeant.  I even called 9-1-1. All I gotta do is file a report. He forced himself on me and that just ain't right. The only family member I've told is Cliff. He says to tell my mom and dad. Shane said that I should tell them also. I'm just afraid of what they'll think. Will they still love me?

I don't know why I'm thinking of his feelings when he didn't think of mine. He took from me my trust in men, in male friends, and the joy of making love. He just couldn't take no for an answer. He couldn't see that I didn't want the same thing that he did. I told him to get off. Everything was happening so fast. It all started when he started tickling me. I got up and moved. I sat at the edge of the bed. He kept telling me, "Are you ready? Are you ready?" I was thinking that I should just try to be calm and play it off. "Pac, can't you wait?" Obviously, his response was 'No'. I knew what would happen next and I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept pulling up my dress. He hopped on top of me and just did what he pleased. He thought it was so funny. I laughed just to hide the pain behind a smile.

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Friday
July 15th, 1994

For now, everything is done. I made a report --> tape recorded. Shane did one too. We had to go downtown for it, at the Criminal Investigation Division. We met with Detective Larry Tamashiro. After that, he sent me to Kapiolani Women & Children's Center where I was examined by a doctor - a female. She was accompanied by a nurse named Lisa. Oh they were so sweet. Then there's Shane. Just where would I be without his support? Where would I be without his understanding? He pushes me to do the right thing. What am I gonna do when he leaves in November? Rape -- the subject is getting tired.

I just been crying all day. More than any other day since. I feel like I provoked it. Like I encouraged it or something... this stupid RAPE. What is even crazier is that I feel like Shane shouldn't care for me because of everything that's happening.

This morning my brother and I was in mom and dad's room. Mom told him what happened. He just cried and hugged me and expressed his love for me. All I could do was cry. I don't know what to feel anymore. I just feel stupid. I feel yucky. I feel dirty. But you know what? I am strong! I am gonna get through this. Whether alone or not. Whether I win or lose. At least I tried. Face this fear of failure and I'm gonna get through. The hard thing about the whole thing is facing my family, my friends, and Shane. This feeling of dirtiness, of insecurity is what's killing me. Insecure that I'm gonna lose someone's love or caring. But you know what --> that's enough already. Enough talking about it. But I'm kinda wondering if I should press charges or not. At least I reported this incident. It wasn't severe as other cases I've read about but no still means no. Rape is unconcented sex.

Throw Back Thursday Preface

I just started Throw Back Thursday. I intentionally skipped last week's TBT because of the content of the new entry. I feel like I have to preface it with explanation, exploration, and ease you (the reader) into the next TBT post.

The posts for TBT come from my written diaries. I do this for two reasons:

1. To preserve my diaries; some of them are beginning to fade. An archivist told me that I should wipe them down with Denatured Alcohol to stop any water/mold damage and start scanning them and transcribing them into a document. This is my attempt at transcribing... I don't know if I'll scan them because that would take forever unless I take apart the binding of the book. **sigh**
2. Blog Content - this is a great way of looking back at who I am in different stages of my life.... I don't know how many people actually come to my blog to read my thoughts so most of the time, I write FOR ME. I write to express my innermost thoughts. I write to release the anger, the passion, the love that I have inside of me.

I don't know why I started with this particular diary.... the one that began on June 30th, 1994. My diaries extend all the way back to when I was a little girl. I know I've lost some of my journals and I know exactly which ones I've lost. I know I was meant to write in this way; memoir-ish - a very feminine way of reflecting on my life, capturing the moment in time, like standing still! I read it now and the memories just flood back from those days. I am amazed at how my life has progressed/digressed over the years. I cringe at a lot of what I wrote especially in high school. Did I really talk like that? **rolling my eyes** I look at the things that I thought were important back then and just shake my head in disbelief. I'm sure ten years from now I'll look back at what I wrote today and be amazed at the shallowness of some of my journal entries. But, isn't this what life is about?

In the recent TBT posts, I have a picture and a short preface at the beginning of the post. The picture is of the actual diary that the post comes from. The preface is just an introduction to the TBT post. All of them are the same. I suppose I will eventually STOP adding that little note. **shrugs**

The next TBT post topic -- I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it a couple times here. I may not have gone into depth about it but I know I've at least said it in passing. Too many women shy away from the truth seeing the light of day. Accepting what IS and living with it is far better than pushing it deep down inside and not dealing with it. Regardless of what we are conditioned to think, we must always take care of our heart and our well-being.

I hope you will find something of value in tomorrow's TBT post.

TBT: 1994 July 11th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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Monday
July 11th, 1994

Aroha?! Nothin' much goin' on. Spent the morning talking to Cliff to register for school and all-a-dat. Reema told me that Ui C. told her that NetaJane and them said that Dave is her man. Oh well?! It ain't no thang. At least not to me. :-)  I haven't heard from Shane all day. Ain't that somethin'?! I am just waitin' on his call. I be callin' his work but that phone is BUSY!! I was bonding with Reema this morning while we waited for Cliff to finish his placement test. Me and her are kinda the same. She's just starting at a  younger age. I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing to write. Shane said he got some things to tell me and that he'll write me and have it to me by the end of the week... which is Sunday. I'm tellin' you I'm gonna miss him. He asked me if I'm gonna visit him at his new duty station. I said "Hell yeah"... He is like all that I need. He was taught so well. I want my kids to learn the things that he learned. He has much knowledge. Much wisdom. He is all of that to tme. Whatever he does in life, I support him. I just wish I could hold onto someone like him. He's so responsible in every way. He's just IT. I wish I could explain to you how I feel about him. I wish I could explain to myself. Every relationship I've had so far... the love and friendship faded. The magic just died. It'll start out REALLY strong and slowly the feelings will DIE. I don't know what's wrong, I just don't want the same thing to happen with Shane. But fo' realz, I don't wanna lose Shane but come November... he's gone! He expounds much wisdom. I know it seems raw but I really like him a lot. You'll never know. It seems childish, the way I feel like I don't wanna let him go but it's REAL. I'll get over him one day. I just gotta prepare for the heartache. I think the things is that I haven't been able to make him MY man. Ya know?! Imagine if I stopped seeing him when Dave asked me to?! I don't even wanna think about how I'd be. It's like we've known each other FOREVER. There was never a beginning to our friendship, and there'll never be an end. That's how tight I feel we are. Oh well, I'm just depressing myself. So maybe I should talk about something other than Shane.

Umm... what is there? I don't know. We went to Blockbuster and we just got back. Me and Cliff was just singin' in the back of the truck. It was funny. Soo Funkdafied. I really don't have anything more to say. I mean, I could go on and on about how Shane makes me feel but really?!*@# I think about him all the time & when we're on the phone, I think about him laying in bed... jus' chillin'... waitin' on me! He's a sweetie and yet he's still honest. I don't know how to explain what I mean. On Saturday, he and I just spent that LAZY day in bed. I wish we could have done things but we didn't cause I had just gotten on my period. He's an intelligetn man who shares the same interests with me. Without even noticing, he has become an important part of my life. I just wish that we'll never stop seeing each other. But I can't possibly believe that someone like him could ever love me or still continue to want to see me. I just think he's a special guy. He is absolutely wonderful. I'm almost afraid to say that I love him, when deep down inside I must feel something strong. Really strong. I just don't wanna get rejected by him. I don't wanna confess a feeling to him and be told that he doesn't feel the same. 

TBT: 1994 July 8th & 9th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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July 8th, 1994

Aroha?! So wassup. Nothin' much goin' on. I just got back from the funeral. It was smaller than expected. Cliff accompanied me on the piano while I sang "My Ways Are Not Thy Ways." It was so-so. But anyway, I just got rid of Dave and everyone just got back from playing basketball. I really don't have any deep thoughts. Lately, just SHALLOW things.

So much has changed. So much I need to adjust to. I just got back from a dance. It was alright. Like I did last week, I danced with my cousin all nite. Oh well. Dave wanted to come but fo' reals doe.

Oh it was so fun the other nite, we went to 'THE STEPS'. Made a bonfire and sat around and sang songs. We met two guys from Germany -- ULF and YENZ. Okay?! They was Kool. After lounging around for awhile we went swimming. It was COLD but we handled. Will came later. Me and him bonded. On the way home that nite, I ran into Luann.


July 9th, 1994

It's like 7:30 in the morning and Dave is right here. He is irritating the daylights out of me. He's around me 24-7. I get no privacy or no time away from him. That's all I ask. In fact, I feel like breaking up with him but I don't think he's gonna like it too much. I just wish... oh well, so much for wishing. His car broke down and he's asking me for money to fix it. Supposedly, the water pump broke. He's tryin' ta get my dad to fix it but he is goin' to a meeting. He makes me so mad. So irritating.

I spent the whole day with Shane. We mostly just slept all day. I got my period today. So I showered at Shane's house and all-a-dat. you know what happened... Pac stepped to me. He asked me when he'd get the chance to get the "DRAWS". And was talkin' about the two of us kickin' it after Shane leaves in November. I was surprised but at the same time disgusted. I mean he's bein' a DAWG. He's disrespecting Shane by doin' it and also myself by asking. He was really blunt. And the thing about Shane is that he's mature but still... a child at heart. Ya know?! I feel comfortable with that. And as hard as it is to admit it, I am beginning to care for him more than I should!

Portion of this journal entry

TBT: 1994 July 1 & 2

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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July 1st, 1994

Well, Dave is back and as he promised he's giving me space .Room to breathe. Or so he says. I really need time away from him and space. Shoot, no one understands me or where I'm coming from.


July 2nd, 1994

Dave tells me I love you all the time and it pretty much irritates me. But anyway...today I went to the Swap Meet with Shane*. He bought me a tshirt. He's done a lot for me. Makes me feel like a woman and all-a-dat. he is such a sweetie and my best friend in the whole wide world. Naw but fo' reals... he's a really good friend. Couple weeks ago he bought my mom roses. And he bought me a brown tiger.

TBT: 1994 June 30

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

* * * * * * * * * *





June 30, 1994

I am so miserable. It's like Dave is planning my life fore me. And I don't even have a say in it. He wants to marry me but that's not what I want. I ain't ready for all-a-dat. Marriage, children. I don't want it yet. I feel like I am gonna hurt him really bad if I tell him I wanna be free. He claims unconditional love and devotion. But for reals... if he claims all-a-dat then he can wait. I don't think he's the right man for me. And I don't think he could try to be. We have too much differences. Just too much. Things just aren't working if you ask me. I'm soooooo young, I still wanna see other people and live a little and just be free to see the world and experience life. I am just all depressed. I really don't care who reads this. These are my true feelings. I just wish there was some way to tell him.

Actual picture of this journal entry

The Bus Ride

Penned in September 1996

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I sat watching a desert sunrise, reflecting on my life thus far, and absorbed my new surroundings. New Mexico, a barren desert, was a far cry from Hawai'is endless beaches and squawking mynah birds. The beauty of the rising sun entranced me and held me spellbound. It was new to see the sun rise from the earth: a horizon made of land. My sense were ablaze, excited with new sensations, and drowned by the unfamiliar existence.

I left Hawai'i in hopes of finding a different life and New Mexico seemed to fill all the criteria. I loved being in the New Mexico desert but getting there was the memorable part. It was my first bus ride alone. If anyone has ever been on a Greyhound but at Christmas time, you can relate to the chaos.

I think back to that Christmas season in 1994. It was an odd time to leave Hawai'i - my comfort zone, but I felt that if I didn't leave then, I would never leave. I arrived in San Francisco two weeks before Christmas, spent time with some friends, and moved on ahead. I had the choice of either flying to New Mexico on a two hour flight or riding a Greyhound bus for a day and a half. I opted for the bus ride.

Upon entering that crowded bus, I summoned all the courage I had in me to ask a lonely occupant, if the other half of his seat was vacant. It wasn't as hard as I had figured. I tried to get as comfortable as the seat would allow, after all, it was going to be a long trip. I recall sitting there in fascination. I wondered where she had been and where he had been. I wondered where he was going or where she was going. Each one of us had a story to tell.

Bubba was his name and he was an African-American gentleman on his way home after seventeen years away. He was seated across the aisle.

"I just want some home cookin' from mama's grill and I'll be the happiest man alive," he exclaimed.

And that is how we met. Through the hills and all along the California coast we talked. From Hayward to Los Angeles. This comprised six hours of conversation about absolutely nothing and everything. I enjoyed his company and was regretful about separating. He is a genuine character in the pages of my life.

The Pacific Ocean mocked me ans I talked with Bubba.

"Come and taste of my living waters one last time," she whispered.

"Feel the gentle sway of my waves. There is no ocean for you in New Mexico."

Over and over she called out. Her constant taunts aroused a feeling of homesickness in me and I wanted to turn back.

"You from Hawai'i? I saw you flipping tru' yo' book and I seen you' Hawai'i license." A man stood in front of me. Obviously his English was heavily accented with Hawaiian pidgin. I gleamed in response to his inquiry and his use of pidgin. When you're from Hawai'i and you're far from your island home and you meet someone else from Hawai'i, automatically there is a bond. There's that "localness". That spirit. We chatted for a while the he went back to his seat. Before he left, he patted my shoulder and said, "Aloha sista! You take care."

Throughout my journey I encountered diverse characters and people but none were so beautiful to me as the driver of the last leg of my tri. He reminded me of the grandfathers I never knew. His face wore years of hard work but his voice was that of a high school graduate with his entire life ahead of him. There was no conflict in his speech, just energy and youth. His sweet spirit spoke to my own and I felt comforted in his closeness. With a Spanish accent and a humble manner he pleaded with me, "love your family and do all that you can to make yor home a shelter from the storms." Nearly tearful, I shook his hand and gave him a kiss of fondest aloha and departed from him. The strong features of his face are etched in my mind and his sweet words are carved on my heart.

Faces and personalities; Characters and traits; I saw them all on the Greyhound bus. We all shared a common quality. We were running away from something and at the same time, we were all reaching for something else.

So there I sat, watching the sun set on the arid desert. I reflected on my life thus far and I remembered. New Mexico was worlds away from Hawai'i but I loved it. It was common now to see the sun drop into the earth; a horizon made of land. My senses were satisfied and my unfamiliarity became comfort.

How 'Bout Us

I started this the other day... a glimpse into my personal diary. I purge! I'm coughing up my ex-husband. As Chele put it... "imagine how clean the air will be when you get to the top of the mountain"... when I'm done talking about him.

Some people are made for each other
Some people can love one another for life
How 'bout us
Some people can hold it together
Last thru all kinda weather
Can't We?
(Performed by Champagne)

Monday 09 April 2001

Dear Pepa,

Aloha?! Well, I feel a little better. I just wrote a five page letter to my husband. Tomorrow makes seven years since we met. He has truly blessed my life. But I have come to realize that true love does not bind one. Set him free. I love him, what can I say? What do I do? In all the world, I can only love him and I will love him for the rest of my life. I promised to do so on January 4th, 1997 and I will love him only. I only wish that he felt the same for me.

My husband amazes me. How much I love him amazes me. God has truly blessed me by sending M into my world. How can we let something as simple as where we live get in the way of this true love.

Separate wayz, separate lives
Thought we'd give breaking up a try
It's clear to me
That I made a big mistake
I tried my best to fall for somebody new
I closed my eyes and there was you
Cause you're a tough act to follow
Memories of you, I just can't let go
(Performed by Starpoint)
I hate thinking of him loving someone else or letting someone else get close to him. Can you believe that? Seven years since we first met. Anyway, I don't like to think of him being with someone else or saying goodbye to me. But if his heart is in New Mexico then how can I ask him to stay with me? Cause no matter, he will never be happy. Where his heart is, therein lies his happiness. And if my love is true then I should only want him to be happy. So follow your heart wherever it will take you.

My baby has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life and I can only love him for that. I love him when he has nothing left to give me. When he's grouchy I love him dearly. When he's happy... that is when I am happiest. No one can love him the way I do. But what if someone can? What if someone else can make him happier? Then, I can only be happy for him and sad for the love I lost. I'm a survivor and I can make it. But the world is easier to travel knowing that someone got my back. Someone knows me inside and out, like a book. That person is M. I miss him already and he hasn't even left me yet.

If he is not happy here, I cannot ask him to stay. Maybe he will be happier in New Mexico. You know what I just thought of? My husband has a lawyer on retainer. If he wanted to divorce me, it would be so quick. I am so sad. I feel like we have a one-in-a-million love affair. I will never love another man this way.

I think about how this love affair started out. Somethin' else. I loved him then. I love him now. We were a good pair from the very beginning. Our endless talks, our secret rendezvous, our private love affair. Everything was so good. Our love is sooo worth preserving. Everything we have is worth every sacrifice even if it means putting our very relationship on the line... I am willing! If it means that we will find it.

Looking Back... 10 Years Ago

This is an excerpt from my diary.

A Brief Summary of what was goin' on in my life....
I was living in New Mexico prior to this entry being written. I returned to Hawaii to testify in a sexual assault case.... my own.

I got dumped by Shane**... the same Shane** that turned out to be my first husband. So when I returned to Hawaii... I stayed. I couldn't go back to New Mexico because I was living with Shane**. Basically I had nowhere to go back to.

So there I was... a rape survivor... my life in complete turmoil because of the sexual assault. I remember at that time, I couldn't even admit to having been raped. For some reason, I equated it to being weak. I'll blog about the rape later... well... not about what happened but about where I've been.... emotionally.

Without further delay.... here is my diary entry.... 10 years ago.

Sunday, April 23rd, 1995
Dear Pepa, (i named my journal Pepa)
Lastnight, I went cruising with Bernadine and Mae. It was a whole lotta fun. We ran into Luandrias... she has changed her name to Cyrene Autumn. It was so nice to cruise with them but I still wanna go back to New Mexico.

My feelings are still very mixed up. Okay, this is the plan... if I can get on the job in New Mexico and get accepted for school then I'll be straight. And if not, then I'll probably just turn around and come home or go to L.A. or Frisco. I just need my space and I need my man. I want it all. I just don't want Shane** to brush me off. I wish he could love me as much as I for him. I'm so lonely for him. I'm sad... I wanna be with him for a long time to come. At the NCO Club on Friday, I didn't talk to no one... jus' chilled. Everywhere I turned and seen a atall, bald, Black man dressed somewhat like John** --> I'd go crazy and yearn to feel him near. I really miss him but I don't think he'll ever understand.

Oh gosh, it hurts so much. Why did I let him get that close? He says to wait 'til August... when he gets back from Saudi Arabia. I gotta know. I'm trying so hard to understand him. He says COMMITMENT is what is scaring him away and it's not me. How can that be? He thinks that I'm pressing him to marry me. Sure... it would be so nice to spend the rest of my life with him but only if he feels the same. He just flipped my world upside down again. But I'm prepared to wait for as long as I see fit.

He says there's nothing wrong with me... I'm PERFECT!... but I wanna know why he can't trust me or why it gotta end. I told him that if he never puts his heart on the line he'll never know how fulfilling it can be. I give up already. I always get close and then get jacked in the end. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It hurts so much. He makes it seem so easy to throw it all away and I told him that. He said it ain't even like that. Then, what's it like? He seems immuned to it all. It's tearing me up inside. Maybe he's right about me tryin' to get him to marry me but I still, feel too young. But I can see him and I, but it's all up to him.

I always end up with the bad end of the deal! Every man that has ever come into my life has hurt me, either by not reciprocating the feelings or just bein' a DOGGY DOGG. When is someone ever gonna love me for what I am? When are they gonna see that I'm a good woman? Physically, I can feel my heart breaking and my stomach is hurting. Love me today. I just feel sick. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm losing the ONLY person who has been there for me since the RAPE. And I'm gonna miss it.

******************

I read that today and just had to laugh. Shane** had me whooped for a good long time. My life has changed... but I only realize it when I go back to my old journals. I'm actually grateful for having these journals to look at and read and see where I've been. When I broke up with Shane**, I was soooo tempted to burn ALL OF THEM. BooBoo convinced me otherwise.

But probably, more important is the growth I've experienced within the past 10 years.



**Name changed to protect the past