Still Say Yes

My wake up call came a little after 5 a.m. this morning. The voice over the phone said, "Babe, get up. I'm getting on the road. I'll call you when I get to my destination."

I lay in bed for a minute or so and look at his picture (the man I just hung up with). I review the last thing he texted me. It was a link to a song on YouTube. The opening lyrics put me in some kind of mood.
Let me take care of you.
I wanna love and treat you right.
Let me take care of you.
Hold you down for the rest of your life.

I replied to his text with my own song. You're Always On My Mind.

I always wonder when exactly "IT" happens. When does a casual friendship or relationship turn into something more? The idea that a man wants to hold me down for the rest of my life... again... frightens me. I have given my heart away twice before and both relationships ended against my wishes and seemingly from out of nowhere. Perhaps I wasn't seeing that the relationship had deteriorated (both relationships). I think that I purposely overlooked the problems because I wanted to work on it and not give up on the relationship(s), not give up on the man. I have never given my heart away with the intent that one day I will have to take it back. Even now, as I navigate this single life, I don't want to give away my heart if I have to take it back in the future. I don't know how to properly vet a man and gauge if he is in it for the long haul. Look at my last relationship. We were together for 13 years before we split. I gave him a good portion of my life. I supported him through all of his transitions and he threw me away like yesterday's trash.

I'm not bitter. In fact, all of these experiences make me who I am. I have experienced a full spectrum of emotions from being so high in love to being heartbroken and everything in between. I suppose I have lived all my adult life trying to be a part of a duo instead of loving my self, solo. I have placed my needs on the back burner in favor of nurturing the relationship. Having split from my ex(es), I now know that I have to take care of my own heart. I have to push through my loneliness. I have to disassociate my worth from being a part of a marriage and love and enjoy the woman I am, alone.

It has been a fun ride so far. I don't hold any malice in my heart for anything that has transpired. I truly think that at the end of my life, I will look back and realize that the number one lesson I have had to learn is forgiveness. I feel like I've learned it. I hope the universe goes easy on me for the next 40 years of my life. No more hard times that I have to learn forgiveness. No more hard times! I am ready for my rising star and to live a life filled with joy and fulfillment. I choose happiness right now, in every moment without worry of tomorrow or yesterday.

And even with a glorious, blossoming love in my life, I would never take away the pain I have experienced at the hands of my exes. I would STILL SAY YES knowing that it would pan out this way.

Sunday Sermon Revisited: My Alabaster Box

Ten years ago I wrote a post about a passage in The King James Version of The Bible, Luke chapter 7, verses 36-50. It is still my most favorite scripture because of the message of forgiveness and acceptance. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that my niece performed, "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans at the Nu'uana Central Seventh-day Adventist Church. This song is about my favorite scripture and the experience of the woman who washed Jesus feet with her tears. My niece did a wonderful job showing her lower range. One day, hopefully far ahead in the future, she will really come to feel the meaning of the lyrics.

I am not a very religious woman. Even though I have attempted walking the path of a disciplined life, the woman I am today feels so constricted by religious edicts. The God I worship should make me feel free and not imprisoned by ideals. The macro view of God and the Universe is so much larger than one can comprehend. In a multi-verse of infinite possibility, why would God limit praise and worship to one way and one system? I will never understand this. Blame my pride or maybe my limited vision but I believe God is so much more than can be contained in religion. And yet, I admire the eternal principles and positive values espoused by writers in all religious texts from the Koran to the Bible to the way of the Tao and everything in between. I admire devoted parishioners for their perseverance and dedication to their selected path but at this point in my life, I am just an admirer and a student of spiritual and eternal thought from all "isms."

Forgiveness is such an important part of personal growth. Though I was raised in a staunch Christian home by a very strict Samoan mother and I was taught that I needed to confess my sins to a servant of God, I do not hold that belief today. I believe that each of us have a "God/dess" factor inside of us. It is part of our being. We are Gods in embryo and thus forgiveness of short-comings must happen within and not from an external element.

This song, Alabaster Box, is a wonderful story of forgiveness and the joy that comes after finding unconditional love. Forgiving myself for my indiscretions and shortcomings doesn't mean that my past is wiped away. Rather, forgiveness means that I love those parts of me and vow to make better choices moving forward. I could never look back at my life and wipe away the times that I thought I was "sinful." Some of my most favorite memories happened during those times. The most personal growth happened when I evolved out of those times and I would never wish to wipe them away. They are facets of who I am and help me to be compassionate and non-judgmental of someone else's path toward enlightenment.

I am drawn to these lyrics in the song:

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears
And I dry then with my hair
You weren't there the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
When he wrapped his loving arms around me

Our personal sacrifices to give up who we were is no one's business but our own. And as we bow to whoever it is we worship, let it be because we feel deeply in our spirit that the time to change is at that moment and the time to release all the pain of our suffering is held in that moment. And then we let go and move forward. We love those parts of ourselves that we felt so conflicted about whether we think they are sinful or ugly, embrace that as another facet of our being that makes us more kind and more compassionate. There is no room to hate any parts of ourselves. It bars us from feeling unconditional love for us and anyone else that might be struggling with the same issues. God is love. I am love. You are love.

So today's Sunday Sermon is about opening up your own alabaster box to tuck away all the pain and sacrifice to be shared one day with someone who frees you from it.

Happy Sunday!

Words of Encouragement

If you haven't done it yet, do it now! Forgive yourself for all the crazy things you think you've done and let it go.

If there is regret in your soul, let it go. Let it go now! We are each on a path that is uniquely our own. No one else can live it. No one else can overcome and move forward as you do under the circumstances that you find yourself in. This is your life. Each choice you make is yours to make and only yours. You will live the consequences and you will reap the blessings. This journey is yours alone to decide to be great or just average.

Your potential for greatness is unlimited. The opportunities to learn, grow, and serve the world are as numerous as the sands of the sea. Every day, every person you come in contact with is sent especially to you for some great purpose. This life, this world is not an accident; not some random act of nature but an exact expression of God's greatness. You, me, and everyone in the world was carved in his image and have all of eternity to grow into the divine heritage from which we came. Remember that forever is in every moment.

Greatness does not necessarily mean you need to be approved of by the world. Greatness does not come in large displays of integrity, but in the silent moments when no one is looking. Greatness begins by living a courageous life, by doing good things, by being kind and compassionate, by keeping committments and promises; by making and keeping sacred covenants with God and self. Greatness is, at its core, a continuous expression of gratitude to the living Creator.

If there is love inside your heart, give it away every day! The only real and enduring peace comes from believing in love and giving it away at every opportunity. Many times in life, we expect to be on the receiving end of love and yet give nothing to the universe to deserve it. Love yourself. Love everything around you. This, above all, is the greatest gift you could give to a supreme creator -- to love all of his creations as he would!

Remember that inside of you is a goddess in embryo. And that goddess is made of compassion and unconditional love NOT judgement. She embraces you with every heartache you experience. So stop living so much in your head and allow the goddess inside of you to love you back to perfection.

Sunday Sermon

About a year out of high school, I was raped by the room mate of my boyfriend at the time (boyfriend became my first husband). Many women who experience that type of trauma never make it out of their psychological/ emotional/ spiritual prisons. I am grateful to have made it out of mine.

Many Christians are familiar with this passage in the Holy Bible:

21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? til seven times?
22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

-St Matthew 18: 21-22

Immediately following that passage, Jesus goes on to tell the Parable of Forgiveness and Compassion. A master chooses to sell off his servant, whom owed a great deal of money to his master. The servant pleads for forgiveness and promises to pay his debt in full. The master is filled with compassion and forgives the debt.

The same servant went to a fellowservant that owed him money and demanded payment. The fellowservant had no means to pay him and the servant had him jailed until such debt was fulfilled. When their peers saw what was done, they went back to their master to tell all that had transpired.

32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me;
33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?
34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.
35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

-St Matthew 18:32-35

I reported the incident to the police and was quickly referred to a detective in Honolulu. He took a full statement, sent me to Kapi'olani Women and Children Center for a full battery of tests. Within several weeks, my case was sent to a grand jury. The Grand Jury and the Honorable Judge James R. Aiona (current Lieutenant Governor of the State of Hawaii) determined that there was enough evidence to prosecute my offender. The anger, the turmoil in my soul was overwhelming. I endured this part of my life alone, in the deserts of New Mexico where I lived for a short stint. One enters extreme spiritual darkness when the focus of your grief is "why me". With this victim attitude, the State of Hawaii subpoenaed me and I was to testify against my offfender. I returned to O'ahu with the express intent of putting my offender into the same bleak wasteland as I was experiencing. This attitude was evident in my sworn testimony on the stand. I cried. I yelled. I expressed my anguish in front of my offender, the Judge, and the 12-person jury.

The jury returned, hung, nine of them finding him guilty. Three, not guilty. This shocking turn of events sent me back into a wretched awfulness. I spiraled into a constant state of victim. My life was void of joy and I felt utterly helpless in my unpleasant journey. Within several months, I would find myself back in the court room. The State Prosecutor, it seemed, wanted so much to see my offender be punished for his crime against me. He retried the case in front of a different set of jurors.

An amazing thing happened between the first trial and the second trial. The Young Adult program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints happened to me. Prodding me ever so gently into the light, my brother assisted me into full activity in the Mormon church. Through the healing powers of Jesus Christ, my heart was softened. I grieved. I mourned the passing of innocense and I cast all my burdens onto the willing shoulders of the Savior.

When the second trial commenced, the spiritual prison from which I emerged was just a memory, and my testimony on the witness stand had changed considerably. Gone was my angered outbursts and bouts of tears. All I felt was a complete and overwhelming desire to forgive the man who had offended me. While on the witness stand, I looked him in his eyes and forgave the offender.

Forgiveness is not for the one who has offended. Forgiving my offender was all about me unburdening myself from the hate that was sure to consume me. Overcoming that dark time in my life was finalized by my ability to forgive him his debt against me. Though my offender was not repentant of his misgivings, one day he will be. When that day comes and he is filled with great sorrow, he will remember my unconditional act of forgiveness and maybe he will be able to apply that into his own life. In the second trial, a jury of my peers set my offender free. He was found not guilty and I'm okay with that.

Having had to experience this trial required me to dig really deep into my soul and to find a peaceful place to allow the healing powers of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to work through me. I'm glad that I had risen to the task. I am grateful that the Lord deemed me worthy to endure such awful gloom and rise above it.

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

-Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

Soul-Mate-Ness Of It All

Cue these songs:
I Remember, performed by Keyshia Cole.
Never Too Far, performed by Mariah Carey
Run To You, performed by Whitney Houston

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I can tell its that "time of the month" when everything makes me feel so... so... so melancholy! When its that time, I pull out my old journals especially the ones that talk about my biggest heartbreak... the breakup of my first marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it happened just as it happened else I wouldn't have ever experienced my forever love.... my husband now!

In eastern traditions, it is believed that one person will experience many different soul mates. A soul mate is someone that comes into your life to help you blossom into your greatest potential. How that blossoming occurs is not always the romantic ideal of love and happiness. With that said, in my heavyhearted, blue-sy, pensive emotional state, I revisit a certain soul mate.

The relationship was full of so much turmoil. It was at two extreme ends. At one end, was love and great passion. At the exact opposite end lived hate and turmoil. Thinking about it, even now, makes me tear up and turns my stomach upside down like I'm riding a roller coaster. There's just something about experiencing lost love that hurts so completely. One is never quite right after losing their FIRST-REAL-Grown-Up-LOVE.

I can't quite put my finger on what pulled me through. I remember the morning immediately after getting dumped by the man that I had nearly worshipped for nine years, I volunteered at a Women's Shelter to forget my troubles. The news that he wanted divorce came as a surprise because I wanted to believe that he wanted to do right by me. And yet, at the same time, I experienced his track record of leaving when things got hard, so it couldn't have been too much of a surprise.

So how does this all relate to the soul mate issue? Well, he closed the door on me. He easily penned the words, "The End" on the book about him and I. Though I had invested my whole heart into the relationship, he risked nothing! My ability to love with complete abandon was stripped from me as he had managed to mangle my heart into such a wretched picture. And the soul-mate-ness of it all is that I had to push through the pain, push through living my life to love him, and into the freedom of independence.

And I'm grateful!

I'm still standing. I'm so much stronger now than I have ever been in my life. The soul-mate-ness of it all is that I had to experience all of it to blossom into the woman I am today. I give so much credit to my husband now and my family for bringing me back into the light. In the re-discovery of me, since the days of my divorce, I am so empowered to do and be whatever I want.

Sunday Sermon

My favorite passage of scripture in the King James version of The Holy Bible is found in St Luke, chapter 7, verses 36 - 50.

36 And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. and he went into the Pharisee's house, and sat down to meat.
37 And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointement.
38 And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed the feet, and anointed them with ointment.

I am particularly drawn to this particular verse (38) because of the imagery.

39 Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him for she is a sinner.
40 And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.

Verse 39 points out how judgemental the Pharisee was of the sinner woman. People all around us do this daily, several times a day. In my own life, having experienced such a colorful past, I was thoroughly aware of the people who whispered about me. I find myself doing it from time to time and have to remind myself to be compassionate.

41 There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou has rightly judged.

This is such a simple parable to understand.

44 And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavesT me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.
45 Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not cease to kiss my feet.
46 My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment.
47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth litte.
48 And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven.
49 And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also?
50 And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace.

This passage of scripture has pulled me through my sinful ways into the brightness and light of goodness.

The hardest, most difficult part for a sinner to do is to step back into the light. We are afraid of all the people judging. I remember folks telling me, "Did the chapel fall when you walked in?" That made it more difficult to come back the next time.

I had a Bishop stand at the pulpit and tell the entire congregation that the church is like a hospital and they don't make hospitals for people that are well. Bring them in who need Jesus! That forever changed how I view the church and humbled me. I became unafraid of those criticizing my awkward steps back into the light. And I shed tears and washed the feet of Jesus with my hair. And I kissed his feet! And in those moments, I gave up my sin for the forgiving touch of the Savior. And the most beautiful thing is.... YOU CAN TOO!

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**Photo Credit

Pro Pono

I was quite interested in a story that appeared in the Honolulu Weekly, a free publication that is distributed at the local grocery store. The cover reads, Ho'oponopono A Hawaiian sense of peace, and features a photograph of the last ruling monarch in the Hawaiian islands, Queen Lili'uokalani. Also pictured is Gandhi and Martin Luther King. The Queen fits perfectly among the two very public figures of peace resistance. The picture and the title of the cover story piqued my interest.

The cover picture alluded to the fact that the Queen should rank as one of the great leaders of peaceful resistance. However, the story details the life and thoughts of Reverend Kaleo Patterson, a current Hawaiian activist. The beginning of the editorial runs through a list of credentials for Reverend Patterson, from his education to his protest activity.

The article skims the surface of "ho'oponopono" and barely touches the non-violence resistance of the past. I would have enjoyed reading more on the similarities between Gandhi, Lili'uokalani and MLK, Jr. That topic is the name of a class that Reverend Kaleo Patterson offers at the Center for Indigenous Leadership and Peace Making, housed at the US School of Social Work. I suppose if I'd like to know more on the topic, I have to take the class. **giggles**

Many cultures in the world practice "ho'oponopono" in their own way. I interpret it to be a form of repentance and restitution for the sinner/criminal and the victim. If practiced correctly, it allows the sinner to make restitution for his indiscretions until the victims family can fully forgive and accept the wrong and put it to rest.

The act of restitution and forgiveness is all but absent from our contemporary jail systems. The criminal is never allowed to attempt to clear his name and make restitution to the people he has wronged. He is never called to admit his guilt or to ask for forgiveness. Rather, he "does his time" and is released, only to repeat the behavior that placed him in jail in the first place.

Ho'oponopono would work for both the offender and the offended. The offender seeking for forgiveness is an act of humility that places the offender in a state of submission to the offended. The psychological act of forgiveness by the offended to the offender brings a peace of mind that is so absent in contemporary society. Both pieces are necessary for a successful reconciliation.

The story sparked several thoughts for me and I'm grateful I stumbled upon it. As I attempt to adopt ideals into my life, forgiveness ranks at the top of my most admirable qualities.

On 2nd Chances

Does everybody deserve a second chance? Does it say in some rule book somewhere that if you have a pulse, you will receive a second chance? I mean... when Larry Holmes knocked out Muhammad Ali back in 1980, did Ali get a second chance? When Ashlee Simpson had a "vocal malfunction" at the 2005 FedEx Orange Bowl, did she get a second chance? (yall know that mess was funny!!) So I'm just saying, does everybody deserve a second chance?

Lastnight, my cousin came in from Dallas. He has not been welcome at my folks house for years. Way back when, about 5 or 6 years ago, he came here to live with my folks because he was screwin' up in Dallas. My momz and pops don't play... and the whole family knows it. And like clockwork, he wore out his welcome here as he did with his mama. My father beat him down and told him to NEVER, EVER set foot on his property ever again.

Well, my folks are very tolerant, forgiving people. That's just how they are. Not pushovers... they just believe that people deserve a chance to prove themself. Me, on the other hand, could care less. And... that's the story on how cousin came here from Dallas.

He comes up to the crib at about 12midnight, lastnight... loud, obnoxious and cursin' up a storm. As he came towards me, he started staggering and I knew his ass was through. In my head, I'm already thinkin', "Imma definitely blog about this!!" LOL... I'm all irritated cuz this boy still hasn't mustered up enough manhood to become a responsible member of this family. Whateva! We chit chat for a minute cuz I'm tryin' not to let his drunken-ness get to me. I'm all for partying... if thas your thing. But please handle yourself accordingly.

So they get settled in and stuff. Me and husband are watching TV in the living room. All of a sudden I hear that noise... you know that one where you know somebody is about to throw up. That gurgling noise, then the pitter patter of feet, then the splash sound. Yep! He vomitted(i hate that word but it's so appropriate) all over the bathroom that I just cleaned earlier in the day.

In my head I'm going over all the rotten things this kid(in a mans body) has done to my family. Okay, there's the time he was trying to make wine in his bedroom. When really he was just fermenting grapes. Then there was the time my called me outta work to handle his dumb ass at the high school. Oh and yeah, the same kid was growin' weed in my folks back yard. All of these thoughts cross my mind as the "splashing" was happening, not once, not twice, not three times... four times! Yes... that's how much stuff was coming out of him.

I'm beyond irritated now cuz with all that "splashing" that went on, he couldn't have cleaned it up that quick. So husband and I sit there. (Moms and Pops are in Vegas and won't be in til Monday.) We're calmly discussing the mess that just went on. I'm telling him everything that's going on in my little brain. How disrespectful my cousin still is and how NOT EVERYBODY deserves a second chance.

Husband gets up and looks in the bathroom. The stench already put a funky expression on husbands face. Then anger crept across his mugg. He walks to the room and attempts to wake cousin up. He apparently knocked the hell out as soon as the "splashing" ended. His wife wakes up and is like, "Did he make a mess?" Hell yeah he made a mess. Why wasn't you checking up on him?

She comes out and does a half-ass job on cleaning up the bathroom. I mean... there was chunks of food everywhere. Vomit on the cabinets, in the sink, in the trash can, at the base of the toilet, on the toilet, in the toilet... it was just nasty. And don't get me started about the stench. **SMH** I stayed up til like 2 in the morning cleaning up after his wife's half-ass job and the stench is still lingering. I mopped it about 4 times with some Pine-Sol.... **throwing my hands up and shrugging**

So tell me, did he deserve this second chance to screw up again?