Original Poem: I Want

I want you to know me
The real me
The me that no one else sees
And when I reveal the dark
and the light
I want to be sure that it will not frighten you
to know me so intimately

I want you to see me naked
Without the facade that I wear for the world
To see my scars
To see my brokenness
and still want to love me in spite of them

I want you to hear my voice
The silent whisper that no one knows
To hear my song
To hear the melody of my pain
and crave the sound of my joy

I want you to feel the intensity of my emotions
And the fire that burns inside me
Can you feel my longing to love and be loved
To taste my tears
My fears
and still want to hold me closer and erase my pain

I want you to know me like you've known me forever
To dance with my joy
To stay in step with my rhythm
To move endlessly through time
and space
together

I want you to fall in love with my soul
To see beauty inside me
And want forever
to be by my side
That's what I want

Independent of WE

No one sees my mind the way you do
You see into my soul
Into my heart

Above all, I can be me whenever I am with you
The me that no one in the world can see but you
There are no misconceptions of who I am
Because I am my most genuine when I am with you
I hide nothing

Even now as we traverse separate trials
Our honesty with each other
Our vulnerability
Our connection
Our concern for each other
Our genuine affection
It is all very important to me
And so precious

Yet our symbiotic relationship is just that - so intertwined
And I have a difficult time hearing my own voice
Hearing my own thoughts that are independent of WE
And however I move forward
And however you move forward
Must be independent of WE

WE will always have this connection
And maybe one day we will find each other again
In love
In passionate love
It will be the right time
Without the hurt of our yesterdays
creeping up into our todays

But first, I will work on me
You will work on you
Independent of WE

Original Poem: Rife With Energy

Longing
Desire
Wishing ever so clearly for something that is not mine

Through time and space
I have longed for love as light as a gentle summer breeze
A love that feels like an extension of me
Not forceful

A love so heavy that the world can't carry it

A love that feels like a slow burning fire
Steady
Constant
Warm
Long-lasting

A love that feels like an electrical storm
Rife with energy so thick that it pulls in everything around it

Two atoms revolving around each other and through each other
If not in this lifetime, maybe in the next;
I would know you in any form.

Birthday Wishes On the Wind

Tomorrow is his birthday.

And what I wish for him today and always is that the years will be kind to him.

I miss him in my day to day.
I miss talking to him.
I miss the comfort of his presence.
I miss his face.
I miss cooking for him.... for us.
I miss his smile and how we would laugh together.
I miss making plans.

Yes, plans.
I miss planning forever with him.

I pray our paths will cross again
For any reason at all
But I know that we will never be
Because this is the path that he has chosen for himself
And consequently, he has placed me on my own path as well.

So for today and always, my wish is that you find
Whatever it is you are looking for
And that your life will be full and complete
May you find joy, everlasting
And the magic that waits for all of us.

Happy Birthday Forever Love.

Unconditional

Sometimes it's hard to look back on life and wonder where all the time went.
Ten years is a long time to love someone
So often, we stand at a crossroad and have no idea what direction to take

I love you.
We have danced to the same tune for ten years and I still want to dance that dance....
with only you.

Your smile is so precious to me.
Your concern for me - unparalleled.

Forever
For Always
I will only love you.

Even if we go in different directions, my heart will always belong to you.

Some people get through harder times than we've seen.
We can do it too but I don't wanna hold you back from any plans you have.
Live life fully and completely.... even if it's without me.

TBT: 1994 July 18th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday = This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

* * * * * * * * * *

Monday
July 18th, 1994

Just chillin'... doin' nothin'. Trying to make this journal readable. Or at least exciting. Well, I was just talkin' to Shane about me missin' my doctors appointment this morning. I guess I was just too lazy to go. Upset about what was told to me last time and afraid of what it would show this time. You know? Well, Shane was kinda disappointed and inside I felt bad. This man cared about what's happening to me. I'm frustrated with myself for not even making and effort to go. But anyway... I'm fixin' to go to San Francisco tomorrow. Gotta get outta Hawaii. Ya know?! Get away from Thomas. Shane drives me crazy. Now I know I'm feeling too much. I can't believe I actually consented to seeing someone who already has a "FRIEND". I think I'm crazy for actually doing that. There's just too many feelings. Too much emotions to deal with. I think about him all the time. I mean, he's seeing that other girl and it's driving me nutzo. I just don't know how to tell him... I don't wanna lose him because he does want his freedom. I don't wanna tell him how I feel and get rejected. Especially now in my life, I really don't need rejection. You know, we started with an agreement that we'd be free from those unnecessary bonds. I mean we'd be free to see who we wanted to. I mean there'd be no problems. But now it's so different. I fell different! But if committment and love come into the picture right now, I think I'd put a strain on it. A strain on our friendship. There's already enough pressures on it anyway. In the very beginning, the both of us wanted to get away from the committment thing. The both of us had Fatal Attractions stalking us. I had Thomas. He had that girl he's still seeing. Things just ain't right. I wish sometimes that I never got involved in an awkward relationship such as this one. Like I said, too much feelings!

* * * * * * * * * *

 

A pic of my diary where today's blog post was lifted from. The poems in this post are actually in my diary.

END NOTE: A dear friend of mine wrote the poem, A Fathers Love and Knowledge. I wrote the other one in response to the emotions that arise from rape. I viewed myself as fairly innocent prior to being raped. Even though I had been sexually active and drank and cursed like a sailor, I never felt as dirty as I did in the days and weeks following the rape. I look back at all of this and try not to judge the little girl that I was. I cringe at some of the things that my-little-girl self thought was important back then. I can't believe the things that I put up with in the budding relationship between Shane and I. She was, I am, a work in progress.... always!

Simple Vibrations

Random email.
Music.
It worked a number on me this morning.

My breath gone.
A flood of emotions and here I am in this place that is so familiar to me.

In a world so full of the monotone of crushed dreams
You reach out and the world is a-flutter with emotion again

The memory of touch weaken my knees
Touch so intentional
Searching
Knowing
All the right places

We are as we always will be
A moment in time that may span decades, centuries, millenia
Before this world and on into other universes and dimensions that we have existed as
Two souls longing for each other
Attracted by the simple vibrations in every single cell
Vibrating with the same energy
Exploding into forever

Longing For Authentic

So conflicted
Too much going on
Dying to be the REAL ME
Not the one that's chosen for me

The Pilgrimage

My journey leads me to this shore
Far away
Through space and time
Untethered by the responsibilities of capitalism
and the monotony of employed enslavement

I find your waters a welcoming call
Ever calling me to climb upon the tale of a whale
Or dive from the top of a rocky cliff into a bottomless lake

Begged by the sounds of the rain forest
I journey in
Hoping to find
Serenity
Peace

In the stillness of my mind
A gentle wave rolls in upon shifting sands
I emerge
Baptized in forgiveness
Rising in utter perfection
Renewed and bound for greatness

A single soul on a journey
Through space and time
One drop in the ocean
One portion of the totality of the universe
One star in a sky of infinite stars
Just one but many

Wishing On Forever

I found out some unsettling news today.

I feel like I will live forever
Like my parents will never age and that they too will live forever

I feel like the people I consider my second family will live forever
That sickness will never interfere with our earthly happiness
But it does

We are, after all, human
Subject to sickness
But capable of health
and Wellness
and Joy
and Strength
and Happiness
and LOVE, unconditional

I contemplate my mortal existence
Fragile
Fleeting
and I factor in all the relationships and bonds I have nurtured over the years
and I have concluded
that
ONE LIFETIME
is not enough
I want forever
for Always
for this world
and the next

A Tribute for Baby Casen: Tyrayl's Song

A dear friend of mine, Neta, lost her son today. He was born a month or two ago with Spina Bifida. Baby Casen donned his angel wings today and I wanted to post this in his honor.

I wrote the lyrics to this song back in 1991 and another dear friend of mine, Omi, put it to music.  I wrote it when another dear friend, Jenika, lost her son a month after his birth. In 1991, we were just juniors in high school when Jenika bore her first child. We were all there in the hospital when Baby Tyrayl took his last breath. It was very peaceful.... but still so very sad. Hearing the news today that Neta lost Baby Casen made me think of Baby Tyrayl. (A group of us sang this at his memorial service.)

I love my friends. I'm grateful for all of them in my life. Though I don't have children of my own and I could probably never understand a mother's love, I ache and hurt for my friends who have lost a child. **Sending love to Neta in Pensacola, Florida**

* * * * * * * * * * 

Tyrayl's Song

Mom and Dad, will you remember me?
Mom and Dad, will you still be mine?
Although my time on earth on is done
I will still love you and always will

Mom and Dad, will I see you again?
Mom and Dad, will I feel your touch?
Please be strong until the end
I will wait for you, til we meet again

Chorus:
Dear Father, hear my plea (hear my plea)
Please bless my mom and dad
Give them strength to understand
This is our Savior's plan

Bridge:
Firm and strong, I will be someday
For you to love and hold I pray
I will always live in your memory
So just close your eyes and I'll be there
(Repeat Chorus)

* * * * * * * * * *

Rest In Eternal Love Baby Casen!

The Rose in the Center of the Junkyard

How did I stumble upon the rose that grows in the center of the junkyard?
I knew there had to be some beauty out there
I just didn't think I'd ever find you...
Under such strange circumstances
For the rest of my life, you will be the one I will dream of going home to
You have the shoulders I wish to lean on when I'm feeling weak
The arms that I wish could keep me warm in a deep winter storm
The eyes that lead to heaven...
A deeper heaven than I could ever imagine

You are my precious, precious rose that grows in the center of the junkyard
You possess a beauty that all admire, yet few are able to behold
The stars were looking out for me when they sent you my way
And I am grateful that you chose to share your time with me
Blessed that I can occupy the space next to you every now and again
Blessed that I can hear your voice at the other end of the phone line
Blessed to kiss your face and shiver at your touch

See, my prince, my rose that grows in the center of the junkyard
I will remember you when my eyes grow dim and my walk falters
When my children and my children's children are running circles around me
I will remember you
When my hair turns silver and my shake in my booty is just a shift
I will remember you
Just KNOW that you have changed my world and made it better

And for whatever time I have left with you...
Let us keep it beautiful

* * * * * * * * * *
I wrote this poem for a dear friend -- one of the biggest crushes I have ever had. He and I had a short, most exciting romance. He came to me at a time when I was most vulnerable. I was committed to another yet I continued to see him. I spoke of him in my Prototype Post back in 2005. He is the one that reminded me of the late Tupac Shakur. We had the most fun. He's the guy I blogged about in my BP Fling episodes. He's a gem... a wonderful memory in the corners of my mind.... never to be forgotten!

High Heeled Pointy Toed Boots

Sunday night, my niece text messaged me from my brothers phone:

Dear Aunty i just want to let you know that my birthday is tommorow remember that i totally LOVE would love high heeled boots for my birthday

I couldn't help but laugh at the message.

My sweet niece is, by far, the most expressive and creative child I have ever known. For instance, she has created a commercial for an industrial cleaner, complete with three different characters from three different places. One character is a male from Texas, and she does the whole Texas accent. One character is from Aussie and she does the accent for her as well. I can't remember the last character but she does a whole infomercial. It is really funny. And the crazy thing is that it all came from the mind of a seven year old. (She just turned eight on Monday.) She loves to draw, as do I. Everytime she visits with me, we draw and color. Apparently, according to her, I'm an excellent sketch artist. We design the latest fashions and create the hottest styles together. If ever I had a favorite, of course Aunty's never do **winks**, she would be it. She reminds me so much of myself but in a way-charged-up-more-creative-kind-of-way!

With the text message information in tow, I made my way to Ross on the night of her birthday. Since her birthday fell on a Monday, she spent it with her family at Build-A-Bear. I called her to wish her a happy birthday and to tell her that I would be dropping off her birthday present for her at her Grandparents (my parents) House the following day. She was excited!

While in Ross I searched the kids section for high-heeled, pointy-toed boots. They don't sell boots like that for children. I already knew! I was just hoping there'd be some costume stuff in the kids section. I made my way to the womens shoes section. A particular pair kept drawing my attention and I knew she would just love it. So I threw it into my cart. I kept walking around the store and came up with an idea to turn her gift into a "Let's Play Dress Up" themed gift since the boots were far too grown up and I just know her dad would NEVER let her out of the house with them on. I threw in two, very grown-up dresses, head bands, a belt, and a glitter/make-up set. I wish I took a picture of everything but was too excited about it. It was just the cutest gift EVER.

I spoke with my sister-in-law this morning and the gift was a HIT! She was so excited about the boots that she wanted to wear it to school. I hope they never let her wear it to school. It really is way too grown-up. **giggles**

This is the card I included:
The "Diva-Licious" Gift

"They don't sell high-heeled boots with pointy
Toes for little girls," said the store clerk

"But my niece wants that for her eighth
Birthday. She has to have it," I perked!

The store clerk shrugged and walked away and
Left me to ponder what needed to be done.

So I set out on a great expedition to find
A gift that was fashionable and lots of fun

This is what I came up with so
I hope you like it

Pull these items out when you need some
Glamour and Glitz

Little girl, you are only little but
Once in your life

So be little, have fun, and
Always choose the right

Don't be in a rush to grow up
And get old

Take your time, do it right,
And let the blessings unfold


She's been experiencing a tiff at school. I guess there are three little girls that are doing the "I'm not gonna be your friend" thing that little girls do. My niece is the outsider in the tiff. The three girls are telling people NOT to be her friend. Anyway, I wish I could shield her from the bad stuff. It breaks my heart to see her have to go through it. But she must and I know she will be fine. I hope my gift brightened her day!

**Photo Credit

Kisses on the Wind

I sent a kiss on the wind to greet you in the dawn
As you wake and prepare yourself for the sunrise,
You capture my gift and place it on your lapel
As a reminder of what we once had.

Some nights I cry -- for no particular reason
I mourn the loss of true love
I relive the moment you walked out of my life
In that moment was such bittersweet release
And I remember YOU

I think of the depth of my love
It was an endless well of emotion
Full of total affection for you

Here I am stronger
Behind the strength is the knowledge that
At any moment -- I can stand on my own two feet
and WALK

I know the power I have within me
And I choose joy. I choose eternal LOVE
Pure.
Genuine.
Something you could never give me.

I Hate....

I hate the way we fight.
I hate how I am affected by our arguments.
I hate that I notice EVERY negative comment.
I hate that I know I'm not an idiot but am manipulated to feel like one.
I hate how there is NEVER an apology.
I hate that there is never neutral ground after an argument.
I hate that I ALWAYS submit just to keep the peace.
I hate that MOST about me.... that I ALWAYS submit.
I hate when I cry while we're in battle mode.
I hate it because it means I am angry and I am weak.
I hate that I can NEVER express myself quite right when I'm angry.
I hate the reasons for our fights.
I hate that even when I'm free flowing, I still never blame you...
I hate that even when no one is looking, I'm still blaming myself.
I hate knowing that tomorrow, this argument won't even matter.
I hate knowing that tomorrow, nothing will have changed.
I hate knowing that today, tomorrow and for as long as you'll have me... I'll still be loving you...

A Beautiful Mind

I was in love with your beautiful mind
The mind that allowed me to explore my full potential
The mind that NEVER had a problem with my opinion...
In fact, your beautiful mind
encouraged it
embraced it
loved it
and wanted me to express it ever and ever and ever
I miss that

So everyday that I miss your beautiful mind
I promise to nurture mine
to ever perpetuate the thoughts that you once loved

I Remember Being This Broken Down...

okay... i remember being this sad way back when. i wrote this little poem... if you wanna call it that for a man i thought i was wisely investing my time. 9 years later... i finally let go and am now VERY happy with someone else.


All Of This

I sit and watch my life pass me by
A necessary sacrifice

And I willingly give this to you
I give you the rest of forever

I give my womanhood
And the right to bear children

I give you my youth
The best days of my life

I promise to wait patiently
Standing strong as your support system

I grant you the comfort of my love
As the steal beams in your house

I'll be second in your world
If it means that someday I'll be your one and only

I'll be our future while you care for your past
If it means you'll return to me eventually

I set you free, **insert name**
I unchain you from my selfish love

All of this
For the opportunity to love you

For the chance to be the center of your world
In the hopes that all will be as it was
You and I
i don't take back any hurt i've known. it only prepared me for all of the goodness that i enjoy now.