Goodbye Dear Friend

I heard some heartbreaking news this morning. A death of a dear friend from my high school and college years. It has me feeling some kind of way. Though I don't have all the details, the word is that he died of a heart attack. News spreads like wildfire with social media. Death from heart attacks are so sudden. You can't prepare to let go like you do with a cancer patient or any other terminal illness. With sudden deaths, you just have to let go.

We had two nicknames for each other. The first one was Blue Zebra because it was a club on Restaurant Row in Honolulu. I was with him the first time he went. There was a whole bunch of us that went together. He was fresh off a 2-year LDS mission and so brand new to the club scene. Me? I had been using my cousin's ID to get into clubs since I had turned 17. Anyway, as we walked into the club, I wanted to go to the bar side to drink. He was like, "Can you just stay here and dance?" I rolled my eyes at him and told him that there were all our other friends that he could dance with. He seemed content with that answer and I made my way to the bar. After that night, we called each other Blue Zebra. He said I was too much and I told him that he hadn't seen anything yet.

The second nickname we called each other was french fry.  And people would ask the question, "Why do we call each other French Fry?" and I would relate this story. It all started in our Macro Economics course in College. The teacher asked for a product so that we could break down all the costs associated with it. Of course, I picked french fry because it WAS and still is one of my favorite foods. Especially the crinkle cut fries. Anyway. he couldn't stop laughing at my answer -- FRENCH FRY. We spent the rest of the class listening to the teacher break down the french fry from potato spuds to distribution to McDonalds and other fast food chains. We always laughed about it when we saw each other. No one ever thought this story was particularly funny or that the french fry was funny. Who cares though? We thought it was funny.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. We get caught up in all the little details of life instead of living in the moment and in the here and now. Death has a way of reminding me about the things that really truly matter. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I will not be a prisoner of my fears. Some of my closest friends have the harshest judgments on my life and how I choose to move about in the world. And I will not be a prisoner of their judgments anymore. I will not fear the unknown or the mysteriousness of my future. There is no more time to live in fear. For right now, there is only LIFE. LIFE and LOVE. Sweet love.

I bid farewell to a dear friend. I can't believe he left in this way but I honor his light and his life. The world is a little dimmer but we will move forward and remember to hold our loved ones a little closer.

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FOLLOW ME

Dear Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

I feel so blessed that you are a part of my life. There have been times that we've drifted apart but we always find our way back to each other and pick up wherever we left off. We can sit for hours talking about everything and nothing. I cherish that type of conversation but more than that, I love that you know parts of my history that I don't even have to explain. And because you have seen me repeat the same mistakes over and over, you know when to push me and when to just step back and let me go through it. I think of the times that I have fallen apart with you, crying the ugly cry on your couch. It speaks to your character and your ability to receive me without judging the dumb things that I have done. I never let people see me weak the way that you have seen me and I appreciate that you can see my flaws and call me on them while still being supportive and encouraging. I love that you can see goodness in me because sometimes I need a little reminder that I am kinda smart, and I am kinda talented, and I am kinda beautiful, and I am kinda worthy of goodness. Everyone should have the type of friendship/sisterhood that we enjoy. I can't imagine not having it.

We rang in the New Year together this year and vowed that we would make this year the best yet. I am not disappointed. We did Vegas in March. When I moved into my own place, you and Skeet drove down Memorial Day weekend to "warm" my house up. You filled my linen closet with sheets and comforters and towels and I can't even begin to say how much that meant to me. You threw me the best birthday weekend. The party was non-stop even with your wife and mommy duties. And here we are turning up on your birthday/Labor Day weekend. You always had the best birthday parties when we were back home. Oh my goodness the good times we had in Waialua. The gallons and gallons of jungle juice. The extremely large cooler of every drink imaginable. The food! The music! Good times, I tell ya. A lifetime of it. And there's still more to be had.


WHAT I ADMIRE ABOUT YOU

• I love your sense of style. Our shopping trips are the best! And we are always exchanging clothes. I'm happy that the red dress that I love so much looks wayyyy better on you than it does me. Sad to see it go but happy that it fits you like a glove. And I love that we both love to work the thrift stores. I can't imagine buying regular priced items when we can get EVERYTHING we want at a thrift store.
• I love how giving you are. I can say, "Ooh I love that," and you will take it off the shelf or off a hanger and give it to me.
• I love to watch you "work" a room. You have a way with people that makes them feel welcomed and appreciated - not all the time... but most of the time.  
• I love how you are very clear about your expectations of people in your life. There are no gray areas and you remain 100% YOU no matter who is standing in front of you. That realness, that genuineness, that authenticity is hard to come by and I am learning to be my most authentic by watching you be you.
• I love the way you mother your children. Both of your sons are respectful, intelligent, and kind souls.
• I love how much I feel at home with your family and your husband's family. It's like I'm already family. The fact that I am comfortable calling your mother-in-law, "Mom," says a lot about how you made them aware of my significance in your world. Best friends do that kinda shit.  
• I love how you always know what to say to build me up. On really rough days when I'm sad or lonely, you know the exact time to call and the exact words to say. You will pull examples from our past to let me know that I've overcome hardship before.

WHAT I WISH FOR YOU

• ...That HEALTH and WELLNESS will attend you and yours
• ...That you will always experience LOVE in your relationships
• ...That you will be fulfilled by LIFE's challenges and triumphs
• ...That you will find richness and ABUNDANCE in the coming days and years
• ...That you will CELEBRATE you all throughout your life

But most of all, my wish for you is that your dreams are filled with happiness and that you will find joy in every waking moment.

Happy 43rd Birthday, Best Friend! I cannot think of a single place that I would rather be than here in Maryland, celebrating your special day with you and yours.

Alofa Tele,


NeenaLove


P.S. This letter is about a week late but better late than never. I actually started writing it before I drove up to your house with the intention of finishing it while I was there. With all our turn-up and turn-down going on, I didn't have time. Charge it to my inability to plan out my time properly. No surprise there. Haha

What is the Best Piece of Advice You Have Ever Received?

I had a conversation with an old friend this past weekend. It was different than any other conversation he and I have ever had. Without disclosing too much about him, I have fond memories of us that go way back. We may have lost touch over the years but we have never lost the closeness that we've shared. When we've seen each other in person, we are still the way we were way back when. The last time I seen him, I was picking food off his plate that he hadn't touched yet. He didn't seem to mind. I will always consider him a "bestie" and he feels the same way too. Up until this point our friendship has always been platonic. NO funny business at all. I suppose it still is platonic because he is married and a very devoted father to his children.

At one point, nearly two decades back, we were hanging out a lot. I was separated from my first husband and he was single. We would take these long rides around the island and just talk and laugh. We have always been able to relate to each other and there were never any awkward silences, ever! In our conversation over Facebook Messenger, he changed the condition of our friendship, somewhat by relating his emotions and feelings. I lifted his exact words from our conversation, "All those times we went cruising, we shoulda made love to this song." The song, you ask? I Wanna Be Loved by Eric Benet. I don't know how long he has thought of me in that way. If these are old feelings from way back when, why did he wait to tell me? If these are new feelings, why now?

Nothing can really blossom from his revealed feelings unless we rendezvous like hormone-crazed teenagers. That would make him an adulterer and me the skanky ho that wanted it. You know how you've been friends with someone so long, you take on a certain persona when you're with them. I was in his "friend zone" and never, in my mind, to be more than that. We have never crossed that line between friends and lovers. I was always very careful not to provoke it because I knew too much about him but mostly because I never thought he was attracted to me. He never tried either.

When we would hang out, we would traverse every topic on the planet from funny and entertaining to heavy and deep. On one of our long drives, I revealed to him my biggest dream - to write. We talked about way more than that and he was actually "with it" too. That was nearly 20 years ago and I'm just starting on the dream. For whatever reason we found ourselves in a conversation about why he and I never hooked up, I am grateful for the way he sees me. Lifted from our conversation, "Sorry about your marriage but I don't think men understand the responsibility and privilege of being with you." That right there! Am I wrong to think that he is seeing value in me in a way that my ex(es) didn't? And if so, why now? I can't lie, it brought tears to my eyes. I carry around this broken heart, trying to move forward but still feeling every bit of inadequate to allow someone to love me again. Who can love a girl that has been abandoned, twice? There must be something wrong with me, right?

He dropped nuggets of advice on me that seem to come from deep inside his heart. What he said to me makes me think that he wants me to have the fairy tale that I always talk about. I feel like his sentiments came from such an unselfish and genuine place and it kind of knocked me off my feet; so much so that I am thinking about it a day later.

HIM: For realz tho if us men were mature enough to appreciate a beautiful, intelligent woman like you is better than a million hoochies, you'd get the man you deserve.

ME: Maybe one day

So what is the bit of advice that he gave me?

HIM: Don't give up hope and for God's sake don't settle.

Simple! And though I've had tons of advice over my lifetime from dearest friends and family, for some reason, those words hit me like a ton of bricks. DON'T SETTLE! 

HIM: Rudy Giuliani said, "Never compromise your principles because the worst thing you can do is compromise and lose." You deserve a finished product at this stage of your life.

Okay who walks around with Giuliani quotes in his head? LOL

ME: On the real, I'm not looking for anything. I am going to do me. Make all my dreams come true.

HIM: If someone can add to those dreams then let em in. Easy to say but hard to do... but you got this. Remember Five Heartbeats? Your greatest writing will come once you have known pain.

His 'drop the mic' closing sentiment: Still wish we made love but will have to settle for loving you from afar.

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Video Podcast 6 : My BFF Speaks

I am here to share the collective story of humanity. Every single person we meet and greet has a story that defines them.

I spent my birthday weekend with my BFF in Maryland and thought it was a perfect opportunity to get her in front of my camera to tell her story. People are so interesting. Life experiences shape us and mold us into who we are in every moment. I know her very well - her hurts, her trials, her childhood, her broken hearts, her joys, her triumphs. I know how far she's come and the hurdles she's overcome to get to where she is. It is no small feat. We have all traveled tough roads. The way we overcome the trials and elevate ourselves is to be celebrated. 

I will always see the best in people, at least I will always strive for that. When I hear someone's story, even if it's painful, I see how it has changed them and made them better. Even my own story of my life is fraught with broken hearts and yet, everyday I want to love and be loved. A broken heart will never stop me from giving love. And the energy that comes when you meet someone special cannot be manufactured. It's either there or it's not. 

I am, without apology, a hopeless romantic. 

I believe that everything is beautiful and everything has purpose. 

I believe that people are good.

I believe that everyone is capable of doing everything their heart desires.

I believe that the hurt we experience pushes us to be better and more compassionate.

I believe that love is every human soul's deepest desire.

I believe that love will find me again. Whole and complete.

And though I miss the loves that have left my life, I anticipate the beauty of the love that waits for me, that is searching for me too. The most beautiful sentiment I received on my birthday was posted on my FaceBook page.

"Happiest Birthday to this Tender Roni! 

You have taught all of us who know your heart 

how to be fearless in love."

Tender Roni was my "thing" in high school. I was a Bobby Brown fan and I used to say, "My name is Roni, Bobby's heart belongs to me." I would write it all over my school books and all my doodling from high school. But her perception of me... that I am teaching people to be fearless in LOVE. That's me! All day! 

I cannot say if my current love interest will break my heart tomorrow or in 13 years (like my ex did) but I am fearless. I am not afraid of the broken heart that may come in the future because I am going to cherish every single moment for as long as he will be mine. And I will not stop my heart from feeling the way that it does because he might break it in the future. No. I choose happiness now, without fear, without apology. And if this happiness extends into forever then so be it. Whatever troubles may come our way, I am fearless and I will stand by him through every storm and every joy. Love is!

Someone Waiting Home

I traveled to Las Vegas recently with my best friend. We have both had a rough couple of years with separate life trials. A Girl's Trip seemed an appropriate way to, sort of, decompress. She just went through 18 months of dealing with her young son having cancer. Thankfully, he is in remission. Me, of course, I am dealing with the divorce from my husband of thirteen years. Aside from the wonderful activities we engaged in, from shopping and gambling to attending world-class shows, much of our time was spent talking through our pent up emotions. The really deep discussions always ended up with both of us sobbing our eyes out. And actually the joyous conversations, where we celebrated our small triumphs, also ended in tears - of happiness of course.

At the end of our trip, as we made our way to separate gates, I thought to myself that she's overflowing with love (after a much needed getaway) and she gets to go home to a family that's anticipating her arrival. For a quick second I felt sorry for myself as I had no one waiting at home for me. There was no one to pick me up from the airport. There was no one that was missing me and waiting for me to come home. At the end of my journey was an empty bed and no one to share all the fun experiences I had in Vegas. There are perks to being single and being completely free to operate without permission from another person, however the perks are sometimes unfulfilling. I hope that when I do find someone who loves me the same way that I love, that he will never stifle my desire to be free.

My ex and I was texting the other day and he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said, "YES." I was surprised at how emotional I became with our conversation. He said he was not seeing anyone and reminded me how he always used to say that if we didn't work out that he would be done with relationships. And we did always say that. I said I would never marry again if we ever split NEVER thinking that we would ever split. I thought he was my forever. I didn't have a Plan B. I don't have a Plan B. I'm figuring it out every single day.

ME: I never wanted to be alone in life. I don't like being alone.
HIM: I just do
ME: To each his own. It's rough trying to get to know someone new. I'm too old for this.
HIM: Yea that's why I don't.
ME: I like being a wife.
HIM: You about to get married?
ME: No. Hell no. I'm just saying I like being a wife.

And there, that last statement explains it all.

I do like being a wife. The clearly defined roles in a relationship from the past are changing or have changed. Most modern women shy away from the domestic duties that come with relationships. I enjoy it. Serving my home is how I show my love. My love is big, It's generous. It's loyal. And I only want to share that with one person. I don't want to spread myself out even though that seems to be the trend of the dating world. In return, however, I want the same big love and loyalty and genuine affection.

As I boarded the plane in Las Vegas with the final destination being Charlotte, North Carolina, the only thing I could think of is the empty home waiting for me. And this season that I'm in, unmarried and childless, I suppose is my time to chase and achieve every single dream I have ever dreamed. There is nothing holding me back except myself. I resolved, on that flight, to not sit in self-pity because my home is empty. I resolved to fill it with all my hopes and all my dreams and with pure, self-love. I vowed to use this time, use the pain of a broken heart to push me into a life bigger than I can currently imagine for myself. My home is full of love because my heart is full of love and though my heart is a little banged up right now, I still BELIEVE in love! And why do I still believe in and search for love even after experiencing so much heart ache? In all the ways a person loves and seeks love, what is the thing that makes the pursuit of it all worthwhile?

Home. I want HIM to feel like home.

Bestie Trip : Vegas Edition

This past weekend I went to Vegas with the bestie. We had both talked about doing a girls trip for a long time and it just happened to be our 25th High School Reunion. So we went and had a blast. Thank you to her hubby for agreeing to this trip.

One of the things that makes her my bestie is that I NEVER have to hide my true feelings from her, no matter what is going on in my life. I am NEVER afraid to speak my truth with her. She never judges, never makes me feel bad for wanting what I want even if it makes NO SENSE to her. And the funny thing is that most times, she can see through my facade when I'm trying to "fake it" and usually calls me on it after entertaining me for awhile. I feel no shame if I begin to sob my eyes out because 100% of the time, she's sobbing her eyes out with me.

Every time we get together we do a little bit of everything. We do some partying, pampering at the spa, we've added gambling to our fun-things-to-do (even before this trip), watch some really good shows, movies, shopping, eating. We even snuck in a visit to a psychic (so random) and a stop at REVOLT Tattoo -- all the while catching up on our lives. And the catching up part is where we let go of all our frustrations and try to make sense of the things happening in our lives, separately.

I cherish the catching-up-part. Especially during this trip. I spoke my truth and I feel so good that I actually admitted it to myself and told my best friend. It's nobody's business what my deepest desire is and when I spoke the words to her - she had the biggest smile and tears of joy that I finally came clean about it. (There is one other person I told but he and I have not spoken since last October.) After unburdening myself from "my truth," I felt different. It was like my mind changed in an instant and I believe that my deepest desire will happen for me.

The first night we arrived, we opened up our bags. We both had bought outfits for each other. She says that the stuff I buy her is wayyy too short and I tell her the stuff she buys for me is too tight or sexy. But it's what we do. We played dress up with all our new outfits before we went out to meet up with our classmates at a Korean Karaoke Bar. Oh my goodness, SoJu is my new drink - peach flavored.

If I talked about everything we did, each day would have its own post. We packed a lot of things into our short weekend. Something we started doing as we left the hotel is take a picture in the full length mirror. I share the pictures below. We always have a good time when we're together. Next girl's trip... NYC?

Grateful That It Happened

Today marks the eighth wedding anniversary of my sister/cousin and her husband. I was one of two matrons of honor in their wedding. As I was preparing a collage to post to my social media wall, I had to dig through pictures from that time in my life. And there are dozens of pictures of my ex husband and I. It brought tears to my eyes to see us in bliss. We had such a tight bond. We were truly best friends for a good part of our marriage. I never gave up on us nor did I ever give up on him. Every person has a limit and the moment we signed our divorce papers, my commitment to him ENDED. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel love for him, it just means that I am no longer obligated to be a faithful friend and lover. He obviously moved on and so must I.

Since our split, he always talks about us being friends. He talks about going to dinner before either of us leave the island. On the surface, it seems harmless but my heart just can't take it and I told him as much. I believe the last text to him about us being friends went like this, "I'm here if you need anything but I will never see you as just my friend." It's true. My heart aches when I think of our good times together. I see him as such a beautiful soul but this divorce and how it all went down is just too much for my heart to handle. I am the most faithful and loyal companion a man could ever want in his corner and I will never understand why I was the first thing that he wanted to clear from his life. The same thing went down with my first husband.

I'm lucky in love, meaning I never have a problem finding someone to love and someone to love me. The problem is getting him to stay forever. And maybe that's not in the stars for me and it scares the hell out of me to grow old - alone. Though I can thrive and flourish in solitude, I love the idea of growing old with a companion that I love romantically. I had hope that my now ex-husband was that guy. I'm going to be 42 in a few weeks and this is not how I pictured my life. At the same time, I'm grateful to have this shock to my life. It has propelled me out of living in "the gray" and has given me all the motivation to chase my wildest dreams. There are no more excuses. I can't blame my husband because I don't have one. I can't blame my children because I don't have any. There is nothing holding me back anymore.

This brings me back to the origination of this post. As I look at the pictures from my cousin's wedding and I see the beautiful life I had with my ex, I will move forward with gratitude that he and I happened. Even if he only wanted me for just a season of his life, I am grateful that I experienced the love that we did share. And though his flame for me faded, I will always carry him in my heart. All of the special times that we've shared and all our travels together and how we made it work for 13 years - I will remember the good times. And for the record, I am a good woman but he is a good man too. I know I toot my own horn a lot but I have to give him much respect and credit because he was good to me through most of our marriage. This is why it is so difficult to see him leave my life and I will always want to be his ride-or-die.

#iStillBelieveInLove

Runaway Holiday, Take Four

I am excited again as I prepare to fly out on another get-away. I am so grateful for all my friends all over the country that keep me busy and keep me looking forward to new experiences. This is my fourth trip in two months. I recount the other trips in a previous post, Endings Mean Beginnings. These trips have been so much more than just visiting a new place. I have renewed and restored broken friendships and have reignited the fire that was dying inside of me. I can't blame my ex-husband for that. For whatever reason, we were just meant for a season of our lives. I absolutely adore him or at least who he was before he realized he was unhappy with how his life was turning out. We had such good times. I cherish them and will remember them for a long time to come. All of our trips to San Francisco and other exotic destinations. Heck, we live in an exotic locale. But I have made peace in my heart and respect his choice. It is all I can do to deal with the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. I move forward. One step at a time.

I miss how he was so protective of me when he loved me. Every woman wants to feel protected. When he and I went to that Jeffrey Osborne concert that I blogged about recently, we ended up at Rumours night club to finish off the night. It was back in July. I had been looking forward to that concert for months. Even though things were already strange between my ex and I, I thought the concert would be good for us. There was some African guy that was actin' stupid and my husband went and mushed him in the face. I remember thinking how grateful I was that my husband was strong and unafraid of anyone. I also thought he was incredibly stupid for picking a fight over nonsense. We ended up leaving before we got kicked out. 

On another note, while we're at Rumours there was a woman there who kept coming near us and dancing around us. I felt her energy and I looked right at my husband and said, "Do you know her?" He didn't even answer me. 'Til this day, I'm convinced she was one of the reasons I just wasn't enough for him anymore. It could be just my imagination but I have a pretty good sense of intuition and I trust my gut. He will probably never admit to it but I don't need him to. I know who he was before we married and I know he was craving to be that single guy again.

Anyway, Christmas Day will find me on a flight to DFW to visit one of my dearest friends. The last time I visited her in Texas was back in 1995. I was living in Clovis, New Mexico with my boyfriend at the time (he turned out to be my first love slash first husband). Fusi and I have seen each other over the years but the last time we were in Texas together was way back in '95. I am looking forward to doing it up and ringing in 2017 with her, God-willing. 

She is the definition of fun... just like my dear and departed Michele. I feel so blessed to have known Michele and to still have Fusi in my life. When I think of really fun times where I laugh and laugh til I can't laugh anymore - it is these two individuals who come to mind. And yet, at the same time, we have had tender moments also where everything wasn't all laughs and giggles. But for the most part, some of the funnest times I've had has been with one of them or both of them. So I look forward to Texas and the new experiences that are on their way. 

Courage to Flow

Dear Friend,

Much time has passed since we were little girls, dressed in pink, at our 6th Grade graduation. We sang Lean on Me and Somewhere Out There as our class songs. We wore our beautiful leis and celebrated the achievement of finally leaving elementary school. After graduation, we danced  in the school cafeteria to Janet Jackson's "Control" and the Timex Social Clubs, "Rumours". "Shackles on My Feet," played too. We giggled. We jammed and we dreamed of the life we would lead. Here we are a couple of decades later and we're still alive. We're healthy. We're moving with the tide of life.

Our recent chance meeting brought together by a mutual friend was fated. I realized this as I listened to your story and your difficulty with your sudden change in relationship status. 27 years is a long time to dedicate to one person and to watch him throw it away so casually is upsetting. For you, I know it is devastating.

I want to tell you that I admire how you are persevering through the heart ache. We, as women, have that in common - the experience of love lost. If there was anything that I could tell you to see you through such a difficult transition is that how you feel today will not always be. Choose today to break through your cocoon into an even more stunning butterfly, brilliant with color and the freedom of wings. You, my friend, are on your way to a life that is more fulfilling than the last 27 years as you watch your children and grandchildren develop into their own magnificence.

I wish there were an easier way to get through the heartache but these lessons are conditioning your heart and soul for the life ahead of you. The strength you are exercising now to move on in life is a beautiful thing. When you look back on today, on this hard time, you will marvel at your courage. And one day you will bless the day that he walked out. It has granted you such a large amount of freedom to truly find your center again and realize the beauty you have inside.

Be easy like water, my friend, and flow with the tide of life
--never fighting against it
--never questioning where it is taking you
--never stopping its meandering journey


You can do this.
LIVE
LOVE
LAUGH

~NeenaLove~

BFF's... Best Friends Forever

I spoke to a dear friend of mine yesterday. BFF!! She'll be visiting in August. This is the first time in awhile that she's come home from Maryland. We rarely talk but it doesn't matter one bit. When I think of her, I drop her a greeting card in the mail and call it a day.

Us in St. Louis, the snow was falling hard. From the airport we headed to the mall to get BooBoo some warm clothes.

I'm not one of those girls that has to be in touch all the time. I can NOT see or speak to you in years but at first sight I can pick up wherever we left off. There are no awkward silences with me unless I mean to do that. So, if you know me and maybe we've lost touch over the years, trust me when I say that I.HAVE.NOT.CHANGED a bit!

Hanging out in Waikiki, chit chatting and talking about life.

I'm still wild, still adventurous. I can be shy sometimes and maybe even a little controlling. The laugh is still loud, the voice still booming but not much else has changed. I am who I have always been... a girl from Hau'ula Park Place.

One of my favorite pictures of us. This night was FANTASTIC!!

Anyway, it was so refreshing to have a conversation with her. One that is always free from judgement. I can always be who I am ...authentically... without wondering if she would still be my friend when all is said and done. She knows every secret that I have to tell and I miss having that in my life. She lives on the East Coast so I have no one to vent to anymore because the time zones keep us from having a convenient time to talk. She used to be that sounding board for me. **sigh** I'm so glad she's coming here and I'm glad that she's bringing her husband along this time. I have never met him and I look forward to our week long adventure.

A Tribute for Baby Casen: Tyrayl's Song

A dear friend of mine, Neta, lost her son today. He was born a month or two ago with Spina Bifida. Baby Casen donned his angel wings today and I wanted to post this in his honor.

I wrote the lyrics to this song back in 1991 and another dear friend of mine, Omi, put it to music.  I wrote it when another dear friend, Jenika, lost her son a month after his birth. In 1991, we were just juniors in high school when Jenika bore her first child. We were all there in the hospital when Baby Tyrayl took his last breath. It was very peaceful.... but still so very sad. Hearing the news today that Neta lost Baby Casen made me think of Baby Tyrayl. (A group of us sang this at his memorial service.)

I love my friends. I'm grateful for all of them in my life. Though I don't have children of my own and I could probably never understand a mother's love, I ache and hurt for my friends who have lost a child. **Sending love to Neta in Pensacola, Florida**

* * * * * * * * * * 

Tyrayl's Song

Mom and Dad, will you remember me?
Mom and Dad, will you still be mine?
Although my time on earth on is done
I will still love you and always will

Mom and Dad, will I see you again?
Mom and Dad, will I feel your touch?
Please be strong until the end
I will wait for you, til we meet again

Chorus:
Dear Father, hear my plea (hear my plea)
Please bless my mom and dad
Give them strength to understand
This is our Savior's plan

Bridge:
Firm and strong, I will be someday
For you to love and hold I pray
I will always live in your memory
So just close your eyes and I'll be there
(Repeat Chorus)

* * * * * * * * * *

Rest In Eternal Love Baby Casen!

March Madness: Prom

My High School Alma Mater held their annual Junior/ Senior Prom this past weekend. I had a blast helping my baby boy get through it all. He was a nervous wreck throughout the entire week. This was his first and only formal event. When I was in high school I went to EVERYTHING. Every single banquet. Every single prom. Every single winter ball. I attended every single event with a different date so I had a lot of practice interacting with persons of the opposite sex. Anyway, here are some of the pics that I snapped.

Classic Looks

I love her dress. Classic. Elegant!

One of my favorite pictures of the day.

Flower. Flowers... my favorite ones too... Red and White Roses!

I didn't really like the LADY GAGA-esque look but to each his own. She rocked it.

Very nice.

Both of these boys... my babies! They grew up so fast. **sigh**

My baby boy and his date... very nice pic!

My other baby boy and his date.

Loved this dress. Very classy!

One of my favorite dresses of the evening!

Another favorite dress. All the beading and sequins was very nice!

The yellow dress was OUTSTANDING!

Another favorite dress!

I love their style!

Puanani blew me away with this dress. It is a hit!

This was the MOST original color dress of the evening. Very nice!

Day 07: My Best Friend

Best friends change over the years. I can't even count how many times I've said the words, "You're My Best Friend"! Several people come to mind though and the thing that they all have in common is that they have been there for me in my most desperate hour of need and have shared a slew of good times also.

The definition of friendship has changed over the years also. I'm so grateful to have really good friends in my life that continue to redefine what it means to be a true friend. Ironically, my family both immediate and extended are the ones that are closest to me now. It's ironic because as a teenager, hanging with the family is the last thing that comes to mind. As an adult - family is first - as it should be.

The one constant I have had though is my diary. I've poured out my soul to my diary and have felt the burdens lifted off my shoulder. There is something so freeing about letting go of the hurts by either talking about it or writing it down. It's like I send off my troubles into the universe when I release them onto paper. Some people are meant to express themselves in that manner. I happen to be one of them.

My husband is also "my best friend". We do EVERYTHING together. Hopefully, one day soon, the Lord will bless us with children.

That's Where I'm From

Photo Credit

This evening I attended a meeting with some of the girls (and a guy) that I grew up with. We met to plan out a fund raising event in honor of a friend, back home, who has battled cancer for the past couple of years. We sat in the room to discuss the execution of our Plate Lunch Sale. The brother of our friend was in attendance and gave us an update of her health. He said that the doctor said that she would only live for possibly another three weeks and that was two weeks ago.

Before I left Hawai'i, I did get a chance to see her. I even sang for her during one of her stays in the hospital. Her sweet spirit filled the room and her gigantic smile -- infectious. I thought about that time while her brother updated us and I could not fight back the tears. He said that his parents are still trying to come to terms with her dying so young yet she has made peace with it. What's sadder is that he has another sister that is in remission from the same cancer.

I really do come from a special place. Even though we're here in Utah, we are ever so mindful of our "sisters" back home. We are sticking together as we have in the past. I feel so fortunate to know that the friendship bonds we created so long ago, even if the only connection is that we're from the same strip of land on the North Shore of O'ahu, binds us together today.

I penned a poem in high school and a dear friend of mine turned it into a song:

It seems we've been friends
Since the beginning of time
There's no place I'd rather be than here with you
We're just like family but more than friends

Lord keep the memories and
Keep our love for each other alive
Life may take us to different places
But love will pull us back together

We have dreams to live and goals to achieve
Love that we'll find and chances we'll take
If anything shall change us
May it be for the better

Lord keep the memories and
Keep our love for each other alive
Life may take us to different places
But love will pull us back together

I can still here the tune in my head. It reminds me of the special place that I come from and all the special bonds that were created in high school; in elementary; in LIFE. No matter where I am in this world, I know that I am not just a face where I come from. People there know me. They know my accomplishments. They know my family. They know which part of the cemetery my family is buried. I am not a number in the crowd there. That's where I'm from. That's where I'd like to move back to one day soon.

Another tribute to Tasha and her battle with cancer, created by women from the same strip of land on the North Shore of O'ahu.... and that's where I'm from!

Remembering Mishie

I remember the day she lay on the carpet, aching in her back and in her belly. She had complained about it for days, maybe even months but that day that she lay on the carpet we all knew that something was wrong. We. We were like the three musketeers. We had known each other as budding preteens, blossomed into young adults, and saw each other through very difficult times into our 20's.

In the 7th grade, she was the 'life' of math class, P.E., and the cafeteria. Mr. Takahasi, the math teacher, couldn't say a think about her antics. He laughed right along with us at all the excuses she made about why she didn't have her homework. She would pass notes in class with the express intent of the teacher intercepting them. She.Was.The.Life.Of.The.Party.

Girls camp would never be the same after her many different antics and her extreme enthusiasm for performing CPR. She said it would help her kiss better. She also walked around Girls camp with curlers in her hair. 12 years old, with so much confidence to be able to pull off curlers in her hair without worrying about people making fun of her. I am still in awe of how comfortable she was in her own skin. It was like she knew she would be here for a short time, so she made her very human experience full of LIFE. There was no time to worry about what other people thought of her. However, her one vulnerable spot was her family. She had intentions of pleasing them but she felt like she always fell short. I think she shined!


At the end of our high school years, she wow-ed the entire senior class with her daisy duke shorts and t-shirt under her graduation gown. She coupled that with a flower in her hair and flip-flops on her feet. The rest of us were laced up in our fancy suits and dresses. Very conventional! She never did conform. I'm glad she didn't.

A friend on Facebook posted a memory of her the other day, since this is the week she left this earth back in 2001. As if she were speaking to our dear departed she said, "Miss how you saw me walking on Moana street at 10AM and I didn't get home til 6AM the next morning. Got the lickings of my life but loved every minute." That was a classic "Mish" move. She just had the tendency of coming into your life and turning it upside down, in an extremely exhilirating way.

She introduced me to my first husband. I love her for that. Even if he and I didn't last very long, I'm grateful for the experience. I'm grateful that she was such a big part of my life.

What she represents for me, rather, what she could bring out of me is a complete feeling of being carefree. She never did settle down. She never bore any children yet she left tender hearts all over our community. It seemed, she always appeared in my life when things were rough. She'd show up with a big fat joint and a 40 ounce or the means to acquire said items. I suppose I have no use for those items now yet they evoke a nostalgia for those carefree days (when my morals were not exactly intact... you figure that one out).
One day she was here then four painful months later, she was gone. That aching in her stomach and back turned out to be cancer. Within two weeks, she had tumours protruding from her head. There were five of them, very large, just sticking out of her head. I couldn't bear to see her in such pain but I visited her at least a couple times a week and even spent the night, on occasion. When she went to Queens Hospital, we had a slumber party in her room. The nurses were happy to see her laughing. After her initial treatment was administered, they released her. That gave me a false sense of hope that she would get better.

She continued her treatments as an outpatient. But the treatments did not yield health. The cancer had spread to her uterus and her bones and was not retreating. The doctors outlook was grim. I knew I had to say goodbye. On a day she didn't feel weak, we took her to sing Karaoke. She loved that! As we were in our private karaoke room, we sang "That's What Friends Are For". I can't bear to sing that song, even now. It makes me miss her so much. We cried throughout the entire song.

Christmas Day of 2000, she was coming out of a coma in the hospital. Her mom told me that she hadn't been able to speak for sometime. I sat in her room with her. Just me and her. I was at the foot of her bed, crying my eyes out and trying to "let her go". That had to be one of the toughest things I've ever experienced. By New Years Eve, she had come out of the coma. When I went to see her, she was so vibrant. Not like life-of-the-party vibrant, it was something more eternal. When I walked into the room, she looked up at me and said, "Neena, they came lastnight." She told me about the angels that appeared at her window the previous night and how she heard the most beautiful music. Those were some of the last memories I have of her.

I remember the day she left this world. I was seated at my desk and, like a ton of bricks, I felt her all around me. I starting bawling at my desk. I picked up the phone to call her parents house. Her sister indeed informed me that she had faded away. It was February 10, 2001. I'm glad she visited me before she left. I'm glad she was a part of my life. I look forward to seeing her again some day.

The RELEASE Society

I spent time with an old friend, this past Friday. We "DID" lunch at Cholo's in Haleiwa. We had a very interesting conversation. The dominating theme was how both of us felt so trapped by our circumstances in life. She's married with six children, the last one having been born with Downs Syndrome. I'm a working woman, married with two step children that don't live with us. How drastically different our lives are yet how is it that we share such similar feelings.

Sometimes, as women, we are pre-defined. We are set in the roles we are expected to play. With my religious upbringing and my cultural upbringing, my path in life was set the minute my mother knew I was a girl. And I don't quite know who defines the roles for men and women.

Some of the expectations that are placed on me are as follows:

Marry.

Support my husband.

Bare children.

This is marriage number two for me. (The first one didn't work out. Nothing in that marriage worked!) Supporting my husband has probably been the most time-consuming. I'm a free spirit and would probably be off somewhere, traveling, were it not for my commitment to my husband and our marriage.

I feel so confined by the role that I play.

There are often times when I wish I could just smoke a joint and let life roll by in a series of puffs. I feel so confined, claustraphobic even by what I've created for myself. Yet, how do I unravel myself from the web called my life? I can't say that I hate being married because I actually enjoy it very much. However, since my marriage to my husband, it seems that my life is put on hold to support him in his endeavors. What about mine?

I am reminded of the Commodore's classic, Easy:

"Why in the world would anybody put chains on me?
I paid my dues to make it.
Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be.
I'm not happy when I try to fake it.

I wanna be high so high.
I wanna be free to know the things I do are right.
I wanna be free. Just Me!"

But I don't really want to be free from my marriage to my dear husband. I am absolutely in love with him! My friend, the one that started all this talk about being trapped in marriage, came up with the perfect solution to marriage blues. It is the perfect compromise between freedom and my commitment to marriage. She calls it the RELEASE SOCIETY. We joked about how much we just needed to RELEASE; sometimes to just be able to live like we did when we were single; CAREFREE!

Our entire lunch was spent, meticulously planning our first ever annual RELEASE SOCIETY Girls-Only trip. This years trip would include three nights of Anything-Goes in Las Vegas. And when I say anything goes, I mean anything goes.... we just won't tell our husbands about it. What happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas! Then we would roadtrip it from Vegas to wherever The Price is Right is filmed and be a part of the studio audience. Sounds harmless enough, doesn't it? I find this to be the perfect solution and am looking forward to it.

Okay so the craziest thing about the RELEASE SOCIETY is that I shared this notion with my husband and..... HE'S down!

I Need a Girlfriend!

Now that I have your attention...

I do need a girlfriend. No! Not like a les.bian girlfriend. I am a very proud heterosexual woman. LOL... why does that sound weird? When homosexuals are gay and proud there's a different ring. Anyway...

I need a girlfriend.

I need a best girlfriend that I get to run off with to go shopping ALL DAY LONG. Walk through Macy's, Ross, Pier 1 or WHATEVER store and not feel intimidated to hurry as I do with husband.

I need a best girlfriend that listens to me vent and complain about my husband, bashes him with me, then sends me back to him because we both know he's a REALLY great guy.

I need a best girlfriend that knows my past and doesn't judge me for it, accepts that I've changed my lifestyle and still wants to hang out.

I need a best girlfriend that has seen my heart break, held me up through my darkest days, and still stood close by as I went through it.

I need a best girlfriend to sit and watch sappy chick flicks like Beaches with. We'll cry through the entire movie then pig out on a lilikoi chiffon cake and a pint of haagen daaz.

I need a best girlfriend to play dress up with. We'll fix our hair in different ways until it's just right, try on several different outfits, put on make-up that we'd normally NOT do, take pictures then post them on BlackPlanet. LOL... then wait for the notes to roll in.

I need a best girlfriend to have Ladies Night with. To get dressed up, feel magnificently sexy, and hit the club.

I need a best girlfriend who can understand my relationship with my mother and helps me through the turmoil that often comes.

I need a best girlfriend to cry with when life gets hard. She doesn't cringe at my tears but sits with me and hands me kleenex. I don't have to feel so tough all the time -- I can be me, weak and flawed!

Yeah -- I have family all around me and feel utterly alone without my best girlfriend. We don't talk much anymore. We're in entirely different time zones. We rarely have time to talk or even drop an email. I know her life has moved on and I'm but a distant part of her past. Hands down, she still knows me best and I miss her entirely!



**Photo of me and my best girlfriend... NEENA & BOOBOO... friends FOREVER!

Thomas Series: The Betrayal | Part V

The Recap: Last episode I started my sinful digression into infidelity. **sigh** Yep... and Thomas called me on it. What had my mind boggled is... how did he find out? He was supposed to be in the 'field' playing army man, cutoff from all communication to the outside world. And somehow he had acquired incriminating information on me.

Thomas returns from the field and we carry on where we left off... kinda. I had tasted what I had been missing out on in the single life and was really wanting it back. Being with somebody on the steady was, fa real, cramping my style. The thought that he was married and leaving his wife for me, a woman he barely even knew, further IRRITATED me. I was done.

Only question is how do I cut him loose? Within four months, I had moved in with him, he had "left" his wife, he asked me to marry him and, well, I just didn't know how to let him down easy. He had left his wife and he was losing me at the same time... I almost felt guilty. ALMOST. So you know what I did? I continued to let him hang around and I tried "acting" like everything was all good. Basically... I stayed in the relationship and continued to cheat on him. I know! I know! Terrible, terrible ME. **shrugs** You live and learn.

The Betrayal began as soon as he returned from the field. One night,Thomas and I are hanging out with 'my girls'. I'm stoned outta my mind and had the munchies. So Thomas goes to the store to buy me food and a few of the 'girls' wanna go riding. I lay back at the house and pass out. Thomas wakes me and tells me the food's here and we leave to go back to our crib. On the way, I open up my Covey Day Planner and see what appointments I have planned for the following day. NOTHING. The day is free and clear... except... there's a note in there... in Thomas' handwriting.

Hmmm... I read it and the devil horns begin to sprout, the steam shoots out from my ears, the eyes turn red and a pitchfork appears in my hand. YES, the note conjured up some ANGER. It was quite a lengthy note. I knew immediately that it was Thomas' handwriting. He denied it the whole time. Further working my nerve! The note said that I was messing up a good thing. And it went into GREAT detail about how wrong I was treating my man. If I didn't take care of my man, someone else would, etc, etc. And it was "Signed, A Friend". **smirk** Whateva!

He went to unbelievable lengths to write the note but didn't even try to disguise the handwriting. You know this note was written when him and 'the girls' went to the store to buy munchies. When I confronted the girls on it, they all got kinda quiet. I got zero response on it. Strike one on the CONSPIRACY happening between 'my girls' and Thomas.

Strike two happened when I went out with the girls to the E Club one evening. Prior to this incident, I had successfully cheated on Thomas for a month. Nothing to be proud of just giving a time line. Anyway, I am STILL in the mindset that the girls had my back, come what may. Goin' out with just the ladies was my way of shaking Thomas off me and being able to rendezvous with the man I was cheating with. (That man turned out to be my first husband.) On the way to the club all I do is describe my rendezvous man and how WONDERFUL he is. Anyway, as soon as we get to the E Club, I call up my rendezvous and he swoops me up. I'm missing in action that whole weekend... cuddled up with him.

While I'm cuddled up with him, Mish calls me up and asks me questions like....

"where are you?" ...she knew where I was
"who are you with?" ...she knew who I was with
"when are you coming back?" ...she knew it was just a matter of time

...unfortunately, I obviously WAS NOT bright enough to recognize what I just did. I just incriminated myself because, guess what? Thomas was on the line the whole time. I hadn't thought that far ahead and didn't think in a million years that Mish would ever betray me. It was downhill from there. Strike TWO!!!

Strike THREE happened at a barbecue. There was this park EVERYBODY used to hang out at on Sundays. Barbecue Grills going, flashy cars, lots and lots of alcohol, a whole lotta single people -- on Sunday's -- you'd find this at the Park. So guess what? I roll up there with Thomas and 'my girls' in tow. We're hangin' out, drinking, partying. Nothing in the world can bring me down. Then.... enter my rendezvous man who sees me laughing and having a good time. He knows ALL about Thomas. So rendezvous man decides it'd be great to come up and speak. Lawd that opened a can of worms.

I'm cordial to rendezvous man and at the same time HELLA worried about Thomas' reaction. Rendezvous man says hello, his friends come up and speak then they all leave. Of course... ALL 'my girls' point out the infamous rendezvous man then Thomas loses it!

The betrayal is complete. I have been sold out by "my girls".

**begin "What About Your Friends" by TLC**


Continue to Episode 6 Here

School Daze

School Daze is a movie in my very TINY DVD collection. I'm not really a movie buff. I enjoy movies, to an extent.... but this post has NOTHING to do with the movie, School Daze but has EVERYTHING to do with my school daze(days).

I rarely look at what lifes lessons have taught me... really! I think, perhaps, that's what perpetuates my hopefulness in humanity. Which brings me to this post. What have I learned from social situations during my school days? The following are "rules" I've acquired....


1. Really GOOD friends will always be GOOD friends -- I still enjoy friendships that started way back in pre-school. Isn't that amazing? Some of my really good friends I've known since I could walk. And there are those that I met in 7th grade that are still a part of my life today. College buddies... hmmm... well... some of them are still around. Of course I've had to let some of these people go their own way and detach myself from their toxic ways... but it doesn't erase any memories we've created together.

2. People, in general, are always looking for the next best thing -- My school days had me deciding what weekend plans I would follow through on OR selecting a prom date... but always, in the back of my head, I was willing to skip out on set plans for the "next best thing". Adults that are always holding out for something better got their start during those school days. My folks didn't really let me skip out on things I committed myself to and I'm grateful because... I'm IN anything, come what may.

3. Rumors spread like wildfire, while the good stuff just simmers -- Sad but true, rumors speak to the most base parts of our human condition. Why is it easier to believe the negative stuff? There are a dozen stories I could tell about rumors that ran around back in high school... but I'm pretty sure EVERYBODY knows what I'm talking about.

4. Stupid boys more than likely grow out of it -- LOL... Back in high school, I went out with this dude.... to the prom. He was a star defensive lineman on the Football team... and I just thought he was a cutie. Well, sometimes he was a jerk. Stupid boy! Two years after we graduated from high school, he sent a letter to my mothers house. I don't know how he got my address. Basically, he apologized for being a jerk and also thanked me for all the good times and the memories. I was floored. He grew out of that immaturity that I was so sure he'd never do. LOL

5. Insecurities continue on UNLESS you get rid of them -- We all agree that adolescence is tough. I mean, during my school days I was insecure about EVERYTHING. I doubted myself all the time. Over the years... I've let go of all the self-doubt and rebuilt the person I am. Serious. I am sooooo not the woman I was 15 years ago... and I'm grateful. My opinion of self is above all else.

Okay... those were five neat little rules I've learned during my School Daze(days). What are some things you've learned?

The Friends That NEVER Change

I am very grateful for the friends in my life that NEVER change. It's amazing when you can be seperated from certain people for months or even years at a time and the friendship picks up right where it left off. For those friends in my life who serve that purpose... you are loved!

There are certain things that help to perpetuate that kind of relationship. One of those things is sharing the same basic foundational ideals. For instance, if you were raised in the same church... your ideas on religion are probably the same or moving in the same direction. Or it could be that you share the same heritage or the same nationalities and that allows for very similar upbringing. This is important because well, can you see Beavis and Butthead at your family reunion? They'd probably be the laughing stock at mine but would more than likely ALWAYS stick out like a sore thumb. This is not based on race but more on the differing value systems.

The friendship relies heavily on TRUST. The reason friendships can remain the same, though years may seperate you, is because the trust has NEVER been compromised. This is essential! I can't imagine catching up with just anyone about my first marriage and its demise or my second marriage and how he really fits. Some friends from way back when just wouldn't understand.... and if I ran into them I'd probably really not go into detail for fear they might blabber to any and everyone else. TRUST!

Another similarity between the "friends that NEVER change" is their non-judgement of my life. They observe and they tell me what they think but NEVER tell me to change my evil ways. They accept me as I am, flawed as it may be, and understand that I move to the beat of my own drum. That has always been important to me.

Finally, the "friends that NEVER change" are honest with me. They know went to serve me a whole lotta humble pie and when to just let me BE. They balance me. They check me. They ground me and keep me level-headed. I appreciate that above all else. No matter how much pride I might have they will let me know when to put a lid on it. At the other end of the spectrum, I could be at my weakest with them and still count on them being there tomorrow.

So to my "friends that NEVER change"... I love you guys! Unconditionally. To the one that gets me stoned on occasion... you TRULY are the shit! LOL. To the mother of 3 and a 1/2... you WILL always be the one that understands my struggle. To the ones that get me drunk on occasion... you guys make me smile.

But to my best friend, the one thats there when I'm crying in pain because of an ear infection; the one that can't stand to see me in pain; the one that sees me in the morning and isn't afraid of seeing me again; the one that shares my bed EVERY evening -- you don't know how much YOUR time means to me. The greatest gift you have given me is time... YOUR time. That you share your world with me makes me smile everyday. So to you, I dedicate my sappy love... that affectionate stuff that you can't live without! **giggling**


**lifting champagne glass**

"To Friends That Never Change!"