Sunday, May 29, 2005

Gird Up Your Loins

I've been meaning to do this post for weeks. I know that MOST of my posts have zero depth when it comes to social-political issues. Often, I find myself going on and on about past relationships and current ones, friendship and family, without giving a sense of who I really am. The path that I have been placed on by my own moral judgement illuminates itself today.

Please, have a seat. Let's talk. Stay awhile!



********************

What is freedom?

With the state of the world today I have no choice but to ask what it is. Less than a year ago, you would have found me identifying with the democratic party in the United States of America. Politically, I thought I was moving in the right direction by adopting some of the ideals of that party as my own. I no longer wish to identify with any political party or system. And God willing, I will leave this country behind and relinquish any ties to its government.

Contrary to popular belief, freedom is not a commodity! It cannot be bought, sold or traded. It cannot be earned on a battlefield OR fought for in the halls of politics. Rather, freedom is an inherent gift of our Creator. Inherent meaning: "Existing as an essential constituent or characteristic; intrinsic." This means that freedom is the priviledge of EVERY individual by our Creator long BEFORE the constitution of the united States of America was adopted.

State sanctioned freedom seeks not to endow its people with freedom but rather to CONTROL every aspect of life. "Rights", according to statutory law, are "legal claims". Your right to assemble, your right to worship, the right to free speech.... is guaranteed by the first ammendment of the constitution of the united States of America. These "rights" are first and foremost YOURS through the Creator BEFORE a government came along and allowed it. Government exists because of the people and should, therefore, be servants OF the people rather than what it is in its current state.

Under the guise of democracy, Communist thought has found its way into American society. This FURTHER presents the ideal that any state sanctioned freedom OR "rights" are about CONTROL rather than freedom. If we read and analyze the Communist Manifesto, we realize that much, if not all, of its principles have been implemented in the United States of America. You can read the 10 Planks stated in the Communist Manifesto and see how the principles translate into modern America.

I really do hope you go to the 10 Planks website and read it. It's short and simple. At least skim it.

Statutory laws are instituted to CONTROL us. Like sheeps, we blindly follow the shepherd believing that government exists to grant us freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We follow leaders voted into office believing they have our best interests at heart WITHOUT realizing the atrocities they have directed first-hand. The leaders of America DO NOT act on our behalf. Their motivations are PURELY tyranical and have but one objective --> Self Interest via CONTROL.

What kind of control is the government exacting on us?

Well, lets look at some of the laws that are in place currently then you can ask yourself if freedom rings in our corner of the world?

1. Drivers licenses, marriage licenses, business licenses, real estate licenses... is this freedom? The legal definition of license is: governmental PERMISSION to perform a particular act. Government ALLOWS me to do these things? Once again, my Creator gifted me these rights and I should be FREE to choose to do these things without government intervention. How many car accidents have been avoided because of a license?

2. Mandatory seat belt use. All the buzz on TV has been the new "click it or ticket" campaign. Let's see, according to the ads in my area, 25 deaths could have been prevented if the passengers were wearing seat belts. So let's say that there are 250,000 drivers in the entire state of Hawai'i. Because 25 preventable deaths had occured (God rest their souls), 250,000 drivers MUST be subjected to mandatory seat belt use. Freedom? Last I checked, whether I wore a seat belt or not had no direct correlation to infringement on ANYONE's rights. It should be MY decision and not a decision based on 25 preventable deaths.

3. Building permits... Shouldn't I be able to build WHATEVER I want on my property? Why do I need a building permit? If I wanted to install a bomb shelter, I should be able to WITHOUT having to file any blueprints and paperwork with the county. What do they need those things on file for anyway? CONTROL? Invasion of privacy? Big brother is ALWAYS watching!!!

4. TAXES.... When you receive your paycheck, 9 out of 10 people have taxes automatically deducted. Basically, the government gets paid first. Freedom? Furthermore, virtually NONE of the taxes you pay go towards services you expect... (Read the Grace Commission Report) ... then please, explain how a tax on my labor equates freedom.

5. PATRIOT ACT... This is a terrible piece of legislation passed into law under the guise of preventing terrorism. If, after this short little rant, you still believe the constitution affords us rights, then you'll be disappointed to find out that the patriot act STRIPS all of them from you. Yes! The patriot act allows government to LISTEN in on any conversation you may have on your cell phone, on your home phone, in your emails. The patriot act allows racial profiling when reviewing flight passenger lists. It allows the government to access bank records at any time. It requires the use of your social security number for nearly every transaction you make. Freedom?

I could continue to tear apart EVERY single stupid thing passed into law but I believe this little sampling is a sufficient illustration... Government and all of its by-products seek to take freedom from the common man. America, land of the free? Here is a country that has moved into a communist system of CONTROL but under the name of democracy. A rose by any other name....

So as South Korea lines up to violently and passionately protest American military presence;
and Indonesia follows in much the same suit;
and as the Iraqi people continue to fight against the terrible American empire;
and as Afghanistan shouts "death to America";
and Pakistan joins the ranks of anti-U.S. sentiment;
and as the Muslim world falls in line to protest America....

Gird Up Your Loins


and prepare for the fight. All the world marches in sequence against the united States of America. I pray that we will have the courage to effect change and rewrite the forecast for the world we leave to our posterity.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Thomas Series: The Betrayal | Part V

The Recap: Last episode I started my sinful digression into infidelity. **sigh** Yep... and Thomas called me on it. What had my mind boggled is... how did he find out? He was supposed to be in the 'field' playing army man, cutoff from all communication to the outside world. And somehow he had acquired incriminating information on me.

Thomas returns from the field and we carry on where we left off... kinda. I had tasted what I had been missing out on in the single life and was really wanting it back. Being with somebody on the steady was, fa real, cramping my style. The thought that he was married and leaving his wife for me, a woman he barely even knew, further IRRITATED me. I was done.

Only question is how do I cut him loose? Within four months, I had moved in with him, he had "left" his wife, he asked me to marry him and, well, I just didn't know how to let him down easy. He had left his wife and he was losing me at the same time... I almost felt guilty. ALMOST. So you know what I did? I continued to let him hang around and I tried "acting" like everything was all good. Basically... I stayed in the relationship and continued to cheat on him. I know! I know! Terrible, terrible ME. **shrugs** You live and learn.

The Betrayal began as soon as he returned from the field. One night,Thomas and I are hanging out with 'my girls'. I'm stoned outta my mind and had the munchies. So Thomas goes to the store to buy me food and a few of the 'girls' wanna go riding. I lay back at the house and pass out. Thomas wakes me and tells me the food's here and we leave to go back to our crib. On the way, I open up my Covey Day Planner and see what appointments I have planned for the following day. NOTHING. The day is free and clear... except... there's a note in there... in Thomas' handwriting.

Hmmm... I read it and the devil horns begin to sprout, the steam shoots out from my ears, the eyes turn red and a pitchfork appears in my hand. YES, the note conjured up some ANGER. It was quite a lengthy note. I knew immediately that it was Thomas' handwriting. He denied it the whole time. Further working my nerve! The note said that I was messing up a good thing. And it went into GREAT detail about how wrong I was treating my man. If I didn't take care of my man, someone else would, etc, etc. And it was "Signed, A Friend". **smirk** Whateva!

He went to unbelievable lengths to write the note but didn't even try to disguise the handwriting. You know this note was written when him and 'the girls' went to the store to buy munchies. When I confronted the girls on it, they all got kinda quiet. I got zero response on it. Strike one on the CONSPIRACY happening between 'my girls' and Thomas.

Strike two happened when I went out with the girls to the E Club one evening. Prior to this incident, I had successfully cheated on Thomas for a month. Nothing to be proud of just giving a time line. Anyway, I am STILL in the mindset that the girls had my back, come what may. Goin' out with just the ladies was my way of shaking Thomas off me and being able to rendezvous with the man I was cheating with. (That man turned out to be my first husband.) On the way to the club all I do is describe my rendezvous man and how WONDERFUL he is. Anyway, as soon as we get to the E Club, I call up my rendezvous and he swoops me up. I'm missing in action that whole weekend... cuddled up with him.

While I'm cuddled up with him, Mish calls me up and asks me questions like....

"where are you?" ...she knew where I was
"who are you with?" ...she knew who I was with
"when are you coming back?" ...she knew it was just a matter of time

...unfortunately, I obviously WAS NOT bright enough to recognize what I just did. I just incriminated myself because, guess what? Thomas was on the line the whole time. I hadn't thought that far ahead and didn't think in a million years that Mish would ever betray me. It was downhill from there. Strike TWO!!!


Strike THREE happened at a barbecue. There was this park EVERYBODY used to hang out at on Sundays. Barbecue Grills going, flashy cars, lots and lots of alcohol, a whole lotta single people -- on Sunday's -- you'd find this at the Park. So guess what? I roll up there with Thomas and 'my girls' in tow. We're hangin' out, drinking, partying. Nothing in the world can bring me down. Then.... enter my rendezvous man who sees me laughing and having a good time. He knows ALL about Thomas. So rendezvous man decides it'd be great to come up and speak. Lawd that opened a can of worms.
I'm cordial to rendezvous man and at the same time HELLA worried about Thomas' reaction. Rendezvous man says hello, his friends come up and speak then they all leave. Of course... ALL 'my girls' point out the infamous rendezvous man then Thomas loses it!

The betrayal is complete. I have been sold out by "my girls".



**begin "What About Your Friends" by TLC**

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Beautiful Mind

I was in love with your beautiful mind
The mind that allowed me to explore my full potential
The mind that NEVER had a problem with my opinion...
In fact, your beautiful mind
encouraged it
embraced it
loved it
and wanted me to express it ever and ever and ever
I miss that

So everyday that I miss your beautiful mind
I promise to nurture mine
to ever perpetuate the thoughts that you once loved

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Love... with NO REGRETS

As we age we seem to forget what it's like to have that RIDE OR DIE LOVE. You know what I'm talkin' about... the kinda love that YOU KNOW would heal the entire world. The kinda love that we saw mirrored in Romeo and Juliet. The kinda love that is irrational, doesn't make sense, bordering chaotic.

We seem to associate age with wisdom. 98% of the time, I'll give it to the older generation... like fine wine, they got better with time and so will I. There is a deep wisdom that comes with a woman that's 80, having lived a complete life telling me what life is REALLY about. And the women I've come across that have reached that pinnacle have all said the same thing to me -- "Live life with NO REGRETS." At the end of my life, I'd hate to lay back and think of the things I've never done cuz really that's the ONLY things I'll regret. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda... but didn't.

Love... with NO REGRETS... that's really my point with this post. I've seen it too many times... women AFRAID. I am in no way a guru of love and relationships because here I am on marriage number two and still in my 20's. But I haven't let fear of my past hurts dictate how I live my life today. Some may think that it's foolish to not have "learned" from past mistakes.... but the lesson is in the mistake. The lesson is in the failed relationship and vowing to steer clear of the same errors... NOT in avoiding relationships and intimacy altogether!

If you do what you ALWAYS do, you'll get what you always get.

So I say -- go for it! Fall in love a million times... then one day it'll be the same person EVERY day. Let go of the fear that keeps you in the same place and LOVE WITH NO REGRETS!

Friday, May 20, 2005

The Thomas Soap: Part IV

Quick Recap: The last episode had me talkin' about how Thomas was "crampin' my style"... **giggling**... and I just really needed a break from him. The welcome break came when the army sent him to the field for 10 days. I was "OUT THERE", doin' my thang and all the girls were all over me about how "OUT THERE" I was.

So Thomas has been out playing "army man" for a couple days and I put myself back on the block again, so to speak. All my so-called girls loved Thomas. Because he was in hot pursuit of me, he did WHATEVER I said. If it meant picking me AND my friends up, he did just that. If I wanted to go to the club, he took me AND my friends. It was just like that. And my "girls" was not tryna let that go. They loved what he did for them because of me. At least, that was my perspective. So guess what? They all became the BIGGEST critics of our relationship and the biggest critics of how I treated him. And my recent infidelities was a big deal to them because, of course, it was highly unlikely that we'd stay together.... then there goes the free rides and the free alcohol and the safe place to crash... etc etc etc... You know how it goes.

I honestly didn't think anything of my playtime. It was never in my mind that any of my so called 'girls' would ever betray me. Could they and would they ever cross that line, because of a man? Would my friends let that come between us? Would I?

A couple of days before Thomas returned from the field, he called me. This is the era before cell phones... not that they weren't around because they were but you were paying like $1.35 per minute. We were all walking around with pagers. (I kinda miss being able to pick and choose who to call back when scrolling through those missed pages.)

Anyway, as soon as he gets in touch with me he's grillin' me about what I've been doing with my time. And then he spits it all out.... talkin' about how he knows I went and seen Eddie (an ex "steady")... how he knows I've been messin' with some new dude that I just met... blah blah blah.
"What are you talkin' about Thomas?"
"Who's sayin' all that mess?"
"Your story is all mixed up."

At this point, I'm super curious as to how Thomas has come across all this information. I never denied the stories but I didn't confirm them either. I knew I was a cheat but hadn't turned into a liar yet. That's coming! (I'm only human). After Thomas and I ended our phone conversation, I brainstormed all the ways he could have found out. He was good but I was better.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I'm A Crybaby

I don't use tears as a means for manipulating men! I am an emotional person. There's no way around it. Depending on the time of the month... I'll cry lookin' at a Hallmark commercial OR even that corny ass folgers Christmas commercial. LMAOOOOO... yeah... Imma admit it -- I'm a crybaby.

whaaaaaaaa whaaaaaa whaaaaaaaa... yeah thas me!!! A crybaby.

I don't know when it started. Sometimes I think it's such a weakness. I hate being seen as vulnerable... and there's no better way to show vulnerability than by tears. Husband thinks I use it to manipulate him... whatever!!! That is sooo not true. And I told him that I am a woman and I will cry. Whether it be tears of sadness, joy, anger... it doesn't matter -- I will cry! Why is that hard to understand?

I'm not in a crying mood right now... but I can tell you that when I get in that mood... the Oleta Adams version of "Get Here" will initiate crocodile tears, fa real. Aaliyah's, "The One I Gave My Heart To". Klymaxx, "I Miss You". Whistle, "Right Next To Me". Damn, I feel sad just thinking about being sad. LOL.

Ooooooooh... what about "Tell Me What You Want Me To Do", Tevin Campbell. That song takes me right back to December 1991. Yep... and I remember that first time my heart got broken.**heavy sigh** Yall think I got issues?

Ralph Tresvant, "Do What I Gotta Do".... takes me back to the last time my heart was broken. Even though the song is kinda old... it FIT! My ex-husband broke me down. I instantly thought of this song when he told me he wanted a divorce... cuz that was his excuse -- he had to do what he had to do. The lyrics is exactly the way that man thinks. I kinda feel sorry for him... cuz he did come crawling back.... but I'm super resilient, I got up, dusted myself off...and here I am on marriage #2, happy and hoping for eternity.

Okay... so blah blah blah about the sad crybaby stuff. Let's talk about the happy crybaby stuff. I cried my eyes out when hubby returned from Iraq with all his limbs and mentally stable. It was a cold morning in Kansas... about 5 in the morning. Of course I couldn't sleep at all the night before. I was tooooo excited about being in my baby's arms again. I stood out in a red floral dress.... everyone was in blue jeans and sweaters. As soon as husband walked through the door -- our eyes connected. I wanted to run up to him and plant a million kisses on him.... but I couldn't due to all the military pomp and circumstance. I started crying... the tears just flooded my eyes. **big ole smile**

whaaaaaa whaaaaaaaa whaaaaaaaa... yeah... I'm a big ole crybaby and I wouldn't be me if I weren't. So to all the folks hatin' on sniffling, swollen eyes, crybaby me... I got some kleenex for you! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sunday, May 15, 2005

School Daze

School Daze is a movie in my very TINY DVD collection. I'm not really a movie buff. I enjoy movies, to an extent.... but this post has NOTHING to do with the movie, School Daze but has EVERYTHING to do with my school daze(days).

I rarely look at what lifes lessons have taught me... really! I think, perhaps, that's what perpetuates my hopefulness in humanity. Which brings me to this post. What have I learned from social situations during my school days? The following are "rules" I've acquired....


1. Really GOOD friends will always be GOOD friends -- I still enjoy friendships that started way back in pre-school. Isn't that amazing? Some of my really good friends I've known since I could walk. And there are those that I met in 7th grade that are still a part of my life today. College buddies... hmmm... well... some of them are still around. Of course I've had to let some of these people go their own way and detach myself from their toxic ways... but it doesn't erase any memories we've created together.

2. People, in general, are always looking for the next best thing -- My school days had me deciding what weekend plans I would follow through on OR selecting a prom date... but always, in the back of my head, I was willing to skip out on set plans for the "next best thing". Adults that are always holding out for something better got their start during those school days. My folks didn't really let me skip out on things I committed myself to and I'm grateful because... I'm IN anything, come what may.

3. Rumors spread like wildfire, while the good stuff just simmers -- Sad but true, rumors speak to the most base parts of our human condition. Why is it easier to believe the negative stuff? There are a dozen stories I could tell about rumors that ran around back in high school... but I'm pretty sure EVERYBODY knows what I'm talking about.

4. Stupid boys more than likely grow out of it -- LOL... Back in high school, I went out with this dude.... to the prom. He was a star defensive lineman on the Football team... and I just thought he was a cutie. Well, sometimes he was a jerk. Stupid boy! Two years after we graduated from high school, he sent a letter to my mothers house. I don't know how he got my address. Basically, he apologized for being a jerk and also thanked me for all the good times and the memories. I was floored. He grew out of that immaturity that I was so sure he'd never do. LOL

5. Insecurities continue on UNLESS you get rid of them -- We all agree that adolescence is tough. I mean, during my school days I was insecure about EVERYTHING. I doubted myself all the time. Over the years... I've let go of all the self-doubt and rebuilt the person I am. Serious. I am sooooo not the woman I was 15 years ago... and I'm grateful. My opinion of self is above all else.

Okay... those were five neat little rules I've learned during my School Daze(days). What are some things you've learned?

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Been So Tired Lately

**heavy sigh**
i've been so tired lately folks. i mean... usually... i'm in here BLOGGIN' away with at least some kind of post in the works... as of late -- NONE... zilch... nada. though i have tons of things i'd love to write about -- most times, i don't make it to the computer before i make it to bed. i haven't even been reading folks blogs either -- the voyeur in me sez that's usually the best thing about logging on. LOL. so for now, this will have to do.

BTW: my "niece"(a friends daughter) sez i look like a hooker in the blue hat on my banner. i had to CRACK up about that!!!

hugz and sunshine kisses,
Neena

Monday, May 09, 2005

His Name Was Thomas: Part III

Okay so I left off talking about how Thomas dropped his marital status on me.

What killed me is that I was already used to the idea of being his girl. As the months unfolded, his story unfolded. He was married with two children with this woman. Her name... Nina. Small world! He had another child that he thought was his but he didn't pay any child support on it. What else? He also thought he had a pair of twins with another woman. I was disgusted the more we talked about it. Here he was... just 24 with a mess load of "could be" kids. Ya know? I just didn't want NO parts of it anymore. It's not that I couldn't accept the children... I couldn't accept the behavior. Not at 18.

After the Valentines Day of "truth"... we kinda moved in together. What I didn't know is that the whole intention of him getting a place was to get his wife to Hawai'i. Then one day he called her up and told her not to come. He had always hinted that there were problems between the two of them but he never said what they were. As I look back now... I think I was the problem. Terrible, terrible ME. **shrugs** Sorry?!!

As the story of his life unfolds, I snap to it and realize that he is soooo not the man I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Fa real! He had no real ambition. No clear picture of what he wanted out of life. He clung to me and had no world outside of mine. That is soooo unattractive. I wanted a man that was a complete person without me... his friends were my friends. I mean he hung out with me and the girls 24-7. He wanted to be everywhere I wanted to be. Some of "the girls" thought it was cute... I thought it was creepy. I couldn't even take a shyt without him following me. It was all so crazy.


As the days go by, everyday with him is torture just cuz he was ALWAYS up under me. It's like I couldn't breathe. Welcome relief came when the Army sends him to the field... for 10 days. I'm tellin' you... the minute we parted ways... it was heavenly. I was out with my girls every day and every night. It was like pre-Thomas days. **giggling** I hooked up with "friends-that-never-disappoint"... if ya know what I mean. My hooker azz was just OUT THERE. I swear I was so foul.
Midway through Thomas being gone... I meet the man that would become my first husband. Yep... that is how I met my ex-husband... while I was supposed to be somebody else's girl. LOL... It was a crazy time in my life... exciting and moving so quickly. I met Shane**(the guy that became my first husband) while I was with my girls. In fact, they introduced us.... and he and I became very close. John Doe was supposed to be a fling and nothing more. Fate saw something else in the stars.
The certain girl I mentioned in Part I, was hating on me the whole time. Tellin' me that I had a good man in Thomas and I was doing him so wrong. It was apparent that she was still eye-ing him even though he was head over heels in love with me. She kept sayin' that I had NO business doin' what I was doin'. So guess what happened next?

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Friday, May 06, 2005

His Name Was Thomas: Part II

Note: This is, of course, just my story.... he'll probably tell it differently. So here is Part II of what is turning into my own little mini-series, His Name was Thomas....

As I was saying, Thomas and I was diggin' each other. I had forgot about my original motives for gettin' with him. Things were going well... thennnnnnnnnnnn..... FIRE no longer IN THE HOLE!!!!!

Yes! That original FIRE was beginning to lose it's fuel. We did everything so quickly. We went from flirting to dating to moving in with each other within four months. We were talking kids, marriage... the whole nine! It was all so fast. I was 18, he was 24. It was a little much.

But I really need to tell you how the magic happened so fast and lost its luster so quickly. Thomas was the Cinderella interpretation of Prince Charming.

**insert harp music**

He just swept me right off my feet and the floor I was walking on. Here I was, fresh outta high school, having dealt with knuckleheads from the neighborhood and just not KNOWING what was out there. Then enter Thomas from Somewhere, U.S.A..... having never seen or dealt with an island woman. He was mesmerized. I was mesmerized.

Okay... so I'm used to shy guys... Because Island Boys have a tendency to go REALLLLLLLLLLY slow and they actually wait for the ladies to make the first move. BORING!!! Prior to Thomas, I was used to guys sending messengers. I wasn't expecting Thomas. I mean he was like... a breath of fresh air. He said exactly what was on his mind... didn't try to sugar coat things, didn't send messenger boys or messenger girls (even though sometimes that stuff is kinda cute). I loved it.

I remember once, in the beginning, I was so excited about seeing him and couldn't really get out to his place that often because I was always busy doing something. It was a Saturday and I was doing laundry. The phone rings. It was Thomas. The butterflies in my belly was RIDICULOUS... fa real. He called to tell me he was thinkin' about me and was wondering how I was doing and when he'd get to see me next. Everything was still brand new. We were still hella excited about the possibilities.... five minutes later, he pulls up with some flowers. I'm lookin' raggedy but he didn't seem to mind. He planted kisses on me and we made plans for later that evening.


Valentines Night, 1994... he came out to see me. He brought a bunch of his friends and I huddled my girls together.... it was ONE BIG PARTY. We ended up at the "point" that evening... just hangin' out and drinking. As the evening wore on, we both decided we needed some one on one time. So we took off to Temple Beach (see picture to the left). We walked and talked about love and about the possibilities of he and I hooking up. We were excited. The conversation led to our relationship history and this is where things really should have ENDED with us. He was separated. I should have told him to come back at me AFTER he's divorced.... but I was caught up with the excitement of what had already begun. **sigh** I was fresh outta high school, no children and really should have just avoided the married man with three kids. ... but I didn't! What kind of story would this be if I did?

So there I am on the precipice of doing the right thing... by leaving the married man alone OR doing what I wanna do... by continuing on with what had already BEGUN.

So what did I do and what happened?

....to be continued...

His Name Was Thomas: Part I

His name was Thomas. My "girls" loved him and I did too... at first.

 I approached him because someone tipped me off that a certain girl was chasing him... and I had to get him caught in my web before she did. I didn't even know what he looked like. I just knew that as "payback" for an old debt, I had to get with Thomas before a certain girl did.

So I called Thomas. (I got the number from Eric.... who was like a brother.)

I spit the usual bullshyt to Thomas...

"I seen you with Eric..." blah blah blah...

"I liked what I seen..." blah blah blah...

"What you doin' this weekend..." blah blah blah...

"You wanna get together..." blah blah blah...

"Come by and pick me up...." blah blah blah...

"Here's my number...." blah blah blah...


LOL. I don't even remember our first meeting. I can't recall where we were or who we were with. I just remember thinking he was kinda flyy. I could tell he wasn't tryin' to impress me cuz he just had on a white tee and some jeans. He just KNEW that he was the shyt without trying to overimpress... and I was diggin' that, fa real!

Okay... I was a lil devil at the time... cuz I had a boyfriend, Shawn, when I was trying to get with Thomas. As soon as I met Thomas, Shawn just happened to have to go to Florida to attend a memorial service. He was gone for like two weeks.... just enough time for Thomas and I to get things started. We started out slow at first, taking our time to get to know each other... as it turned out, I didn't know him well enough before I found myself knee-deep in HIS world. While Shawn was in Florida he got back with his sons' mother and basically kicked me to the curb.

That was cool becuz I had moved right along also. Everything was cozy. Thomas and I was diggin' each other. I had forgot about my original motives for gettin' with him.... things were going well... thennnnnnnnnnnn.....

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

For All Your Evil Doings

Often times we expose ourselves on a blog in a way that we probably wouldn't in REAL time. We claim that it's the anonymity of the internet but it can't be that anonymous with my pics strewned across the page. LOL... So exposing myself is more about sharing my experiences so that maybe the next person to read it can learn from it. And well, I just might be an exhibitionist and enjoy exposing myself. LMAOOOO....

On a serious note, I am a rape victim.

The experience has NOT defined me. It hasn't crippled me. I haven't allowed it to stop me from developing productive relationships with men. And the experience had the potential to do just that.

When it happened, I was embarrassed to tell my parents about it as though it was in some way my fault. (I learned that this is a natural reaction.) My mother reacted in such a way that has forever changed the dynamics of our relationship. In my tears, as I'm sobbing, she said to me, "This is God's way of punishing you for all your evil doings." Did I deserve that? I was devastated by that. The one place in the world that should have been peaceful, that should have been a haven of sorts, my childhood home, had turned into a terrible nightmare. Not only had I been raped but the woman who I thought would be able to see me through turned her back on me. It still hurts today.

After that evening of truth, my mother and I have never quite seen eye to eye. I know I haven't completely forgiven her for even implying that God would send someone to do that to me as a form of punishment. She changed the relationship I had with God. We argued about it endlessly and she stood firm on her belief. Oddly enough, she suffered a stroke a couple years later and does not recall any of it. Her memory was wiped clean.

I went through a really tough time dealing with all the anger inside of me. I didn't have my family to support me through this and I was doubly determined to do this alone because of the things my mother said. That's not quite what was in store for me. I am convinced that God works through people and HE sends us exactly what we need.

My first step up from the despair I found myself in was contacting a counselor. Her name was Sue Lowery. I can still picture her right now. I will never forget her. She helped me to crack open the shell that was beginning to form around me. I am grateful! I couldn't say the word rape before I went through therapy. The word rape automatically represented VICTIM in my mind. And I didn't like being seen as a victim. She helped me to overcome the post traumatic stress disorder that was setting in. She nipped it in the butt before it even had time to settle. And I owe much of my stability now to Dr. Sue Lowery for bringing me out of the darkness. Wherever she is... THANK YOU!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Friends That NEVER Change

I am very grateful for the friends in my life that NEVER change. It's amazing when you can be seperated from certain people for months or even years at a time and the friendship picks up right where it left off. For those friends in my life who serve that purpose... you are loved!

There are certain things that help to perpetuate that kind of relationship. One of those things is sharing the same basic foundational ideals. For instance, if you were raised in the same church... your ideas on religion are probably the same or moving in the same direction. Or it could be that you share the same heritage or the same nationalities and that allows for very similar upbringing. This is important because well, can you see Beavis and Butthead at your family reunion? They'd probably be the laughing stock at mine but would more than likely ALWAYS stick out like a sore thumb. This is not based on race but more on the differing value systems.

The friendship relies heavily on TRUST. The reason friendships can remain the same, though years may seperate you, is because the trust has NEVER been compromised. This is essential! I can't imagine catching up with just anyone about my first marriage and its demise or my second marriage and how he really fits. Some friends from way back when just wouldn't understand.... and if I ran into them I'd probably really not go into detail for fear they might blabber to any and everyone else. TRUST!

Another similarity between the "friends that NEVER change" is their non-judgement of my life. They observe and they tell me what they think but NEVER tell me to change my evil ways. They accept me as I am, flawed as it may be, and understand that I move to the beat of my own drum. That has always been important to me.

Finally, the "friends that NEVER change" are honest with me. They know went to serve me a whole lotta humble pie and when to just let me BE. They balance me. They check me. They ground me and keep me level-headed. I appreciate that above all else. No matter how much pride I might have they will let me know when to put a lid on it. At the other end of the spectrum, I could be at my weakest with them and still count on them being there tomorrow.

So to my "friends that NEVER change"... I love you guys! Unconditionally. To the one that gets me stoned on occasion... you TRULY are the shit! LOL. To the mother of 3 and a 1/2... you WILL always be the one that understands my struggle. To the ones that get me drunk on occasion... you guys make me smile.

But to my best friend, the one thats there when I'm crying in pain because of an ear infection; the one that can't stand to see me in pain; the one that sees me in the morning and isn't afraid of seeing me again; the one that shares my bed EVERY evening -- you don't know how much YOUR time means to me. The greatest gift you have given me is time... YOUR time. That you share your world with me makes me smile everyday. So to you, I dedicate my sappy love... that affectionate stuff that you can't live without! **giggling**


**lifting champagne glass**

"To Friends That Never Change!"

Monday, May 02, 2005

He Cut The Cheese

I've been miserable these past couple of days. I have the most terrible ear infection goin' on. Inside my ear canal is so swollen that it's shut. I can't hear out of it. It's been like this for the past couple of days but the pain was really bad lastnight so husband took me to the emergency room. You know that mess costs more if you go to the ER but husband insisted on it because he hates to see me in pain. LOL... I thought it was cute that he was so concerned. But anyway, men just have low tolerance for pain. They're big babies. But that's a different issue.

So it's about midnight. All Sunday long I was just doubled over in pain. And the day before that was the same story so I find myself in the hospital. Husband is just worried to death about me being in such pain. I'm like, relax and let me get through it. It's gonna hurt either way so you're gonna see me in pain. **sigh**
I fill out the necessary paperwork and get seen immediately. I'm thrilled about that. But here's the funny part -- the doctor comes in and takes a look in my ear. So while I'm turning my head so he can put that scope in my ear, doc cuts the cheese! I'm like... "hell naw... the doc just farted and it's stanky... and he hasn't excused himself". Just sick! I couldn't get my mind off of that and I couldn't wait to leave. I mean, here I am in pain and just sick with pain then the doc comes and farts --> with me in "smelling distance".
Well... the docs only remedy for me is some numbing ear drops which didn't really numb anything, a round of antibiotics and some advice to take ibuprofen or tylenol.... oh and... probably a big fat ER bill.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

The Sun Rises and Sets

Why do people repeat the same relationships over and over? I have my scientific understanding of it... see previous blog. Actually, the previous blog answers the question for me but I'm still curious. If we continue to do the same thing over and over... we will get the same result. Why does that not make sense to you... the one perpetuating the drama? Change what you do and you'll get a different result... I promise.

If you think you've tried to make it work over and over then maybe you should try "making it work" some other way. Not by giving ultimatums. Not by jumping ship at the first sign of trouble. Not by blaming him for all the drama. Not by making him jump through hoops to impress you. Neither parties should have to prove anything. If we love someone then let it be that.... LOVE... undconditional.

We all know that everyday the sun will rise out of the east. And lets just say that hypothetically, that's your absolute favorite thing to do. If you have to drag your partner to see it every morning then maybe he doesn't really wanna see the sun rise. In that case, you give him some time. Maybe he needs to adjust to waking up that early and his life needs to adjust naturally to the demands of seeing the sunrise. If some time has passed and his body is still not accustomed to getting up that early then try a different approach.

Maybe he'd prefer to watch the sunset. In that case, you adjust to his schedule and make the necessary changes in your life to be able to watch the sun set. Both parties win because you both witness part of the suns journey. It may not have been the sun rise but the sunset is EQUALLY beautiful.

Relationships are the same way. Constant adjusting to each others quirks and style of doing things. You can show how beautiful the relationship could be but you still have to wait for him to adjust to it. Ya feel me?

You will continually buck heads UNLESS you change your approach. Find a happy medium. Compromise. I am no relationship expert but I am an avid observer. Compromise is a wonderful tool. A relationship will never work without it.