So Fragile So Broken

I am going through such a range of emotions in the writing of this novel. This is the longest I have stuck to the writing of my own novel. Projects that I have done as a "ghost writer" have been simple because the subjects are usually things that I am so disconnected from. However, the writing of this novel is forcing me to dig deep and feel emotions that I have buried for so long. It is very therapeutic to feel these things and at the same time gives me an awful remembrance of the hurt I have experienced. As much as I say I love to be in love, I think it's mostly to avoid having to feel these strong emotions of pain and suffering and of loss and longing. Maybe one day I will skip having to be so melancholy and on the verge of a depressive break down. My feelings of happiness from last week are lost on me today. I hope tomorrow will be warm and that the joy I felt just a few days ago will return.

I cannot continue this manic feeling of highs and lows and I surely don't want to pull anyone into this crazy roller coaster. I hate this and yet the tears that I shed are like drops of pain leaving me. I wish I didn't have to go through these emotions but I understand that this is part of my healing. I honor the lessons I have learned and I cherish the fact that I love so deeply and so complete. And I hope that one day someone will come along who can appreciate the depth of my soul and how much devotion and love I am capable of giving.

I started a post several months ago, after my divorce was complete. The post is called "Hashtag Perfect Man." In it, I talk incessantly about what the perfect man for me looks like. Every woman has different ideas on this. As I was reviewing the post, I am surprised at how lengthy it is and so specific. And it details things that are so surface and shallow and so unlike me but I really wanted to create the perfect guy in my minds eye so as to attract exactly what I had envisioned. I have not completed the post because I have not included the things of the heart. It's like I'm afraid to outline the things that will care for my heart, afraid that if I dreamed that big dream no man could ever fit that tall order. Moving forward, I cannot compromise the things that are most important to me and that is that someone will appreciate my heart and the depth of my soul. That my devotion to him will never be taken for granted. That my tenderness will never be used and stand unreciprocated. I don't think I am a high maintenance woman. I am definitely down to earth but not high maintenance. I do require a lot of attention, someone that will always think of me and show it in his actions.

There's a Jonathan Butler song called, Take Good Care of Me. The first time I heard it I was a pre-teen. Late 80's time frame. The lyrics have always been so beautiful to me. I don't know why I have always identified with the idea that I am a broken-hearted girl but I have. Perhaps my energy attracts all this pain and loss. I would not be surprised if that is the case. When I attended the Maxwell concert this past November, as we exited the arena and walked to the car my date asked me to sing a song for him. I selected this song. It was such a beautiful evening. I was feeling fantastic and euphoric at all the experiences of that particular weekend but especially that evening. It was so close to perfection where I felt whole and loved. The magic and the electricity of it all will never be forgotten. And even with all that magic, I know my heart is so afraid to trust again. And I don't want to be bitter and resentful but I think that maybe lonely is better than falling truly, madly, deeply in love again. I cannot experience anymore heartache. I don't want to.

I don't want to push away true love but I am so fragile and so broken. And even though I pretend to be strong and I constantly use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove, do I? Do I believe that my heart really has the capacity to love again? I can't even call it right now. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and allowing anyone into my private agony. And I don't want it to be agony for long. One day I hope that I will triumph over this sadness and live in that space where joy reigns. I spend so many mornings in tears as I wake alone in my bed. So many nights longing to be held as I fall asleep and wishing that my bed was not empty. Somehow my life is going on, one day at a time but I wish I could skip over all this heartache. I wish I had the resolve to say that tomorrow will be better but I will settle by just saying that I will try harder to let go of the pain. Maybe one day someone will crack through this hardened heart that is longing to be soft again.

Missing Him : Angels Cry Edition

I have been missing him so much.

My longing for him came out of nowhere. I thought I had conquered our divorce and yet memories of the good times crept up on me the other evening.

I cried myself to sleep thinking about how much love we had between us. I am still in shock and disbelief that we walked away from 13 years of marriage. When I give my heart away, I love so hard and I am so loyal. Even now, I find myself traversing the single life but longing to be with just him. And yet I know that he and I will never be again. I am trying, with much difficulty, to even want to be single again. Dating and getting to know new people is difficult when I have come from a relationship that was laden with trust, respect, and love (minus the year before we divorced).

My dear father has been priceless in my transition from married woman to single. He is so wise even though he is a man of very few words. I can hear what he doesn't say based on his reactions to my ramblings. He reassures me that I made my ex a better man.

I stood by him when he deployed to the Middle East. I wrote him every single day and sent him care packages the whole time. That's my duty as a wife, right? No one else wrote him. When we parted, I took all those letters back. Those are my words. I stood by him when he was doing battle with the U.S. Army. I tap danced to his beat; whatever he needed me to do I did without questioning him. When he finally separated from the military, he wanted to move to Hawaii and I wanted to move to Georgia. Guess where we went? Hawaii. I assisted him through his Bachelor and Masters Degrees. I take no credit for the work he did -- it was ALL him but I do acknowledge that I stood by him through it.

Why does a man walk away from a woman so loyal? Maybe I'm a little too "alpha" for him. Did my behavior or actions emasculate him in some way? I don't know. I will never know. What I do know is that I cried myself to sleep the other night just missing his presence. His beauty. His strength. His quiet confidence. His warm body next to mine. I tear up when I think of all the beautiful things he was to me. I don't know what I did wrong and it messes with me because he is the second man to leave me. It stirs up old feelings of inadequacy that happened with my first marriage. And I, for the life of me, cannot figure out where I am going wrong in a marriage.

I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to say that I will never love again because I will and I want to love again. What I don't want is to take any of my current baggage from both marriages into new love. Perhaps I am much stronger than I was before my heart was shattered... twice. But maybe I'm way more cautious or suspect of men who desire my attention and affection. I don't want to be that bitter girl that questions a man's intentions toward me. And maybe some are just getting at me to be a convenient physical companion and that's okay, I suppose. But my body is just the bonus because my real value is in my soft heart, my ever-curious mind, and my deep-seated soul. Maybe some will dig and stick around long enough to explore me but most will not. Yet I will remain who I am and become the best me in every single moment.

As I traverse single life, I want to proceed with wild abandon. Even though I miss him and the memory of our love crosses my mind often, I have to look forward to new love and new relationships. God willing, it will be a love so magical and filled with genuine and sincere affection that it will transcend lifetimes.I would have never chosen to split from someone that I had spent so much of my years with. If it were up to me, I would have remained loyal to him all the days of my life. True love is a gift.




I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces, curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all, remember we
Used to touch the sky
And lightning don't strike
The same place twice, when you and I
Said goodbye I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift,
But we let it drift in a storm
Every night I feel the angels cry 
-Mariah Carey

Sending Love in the Face of Goodbye

My ex-husband was my favorite subject for photographing. I loved taking his picture. In our travels, he always looked so international and I loved that about him and about us. I once thought that there was no one in this whole entire world that I would rather trot the globe with. He is thoroughly as unafraid of foreign destinations as I am. In our adventures together, I have photographed him in beautiful settings. Urban. Cultural. Scenic. I will miss that since we no longer have any association.

I will miss how mobile he and I were. His health and fitness and mine made us ideal companions. We used to take long hikes, vigorous hikes, all in the name of health and wellness. We traveled all over the world together and I thought, for sure, that this journey would last a lifetime. God knows I miss him but I will never let him see me cry again. One day he might regret walking away from US or he might not. Either way, I am okay with how things are turning out because all I have to worry about is ME and only ME now.

One day, when I'm not so sad from our break up, I will be able to look back at us with fondness. For the most part, I do appreciate the time we have shared. I appreciate the good times we've had together. I will always remember the fiery passion we had in the beginning. Flames were so hot that it had me marrying him just seven months after meeting him and we lasted thirteen years. We have done so many different things together. We've shared experiences together that I will probably never share with another. His strength, his concern for me (when we were happy), his handsome face and beautiful body is imprinted on my memory. 

I will miss his family. I felt so connected to them the minute I met them. When my ex was deployed to Iraq, I would visit my in-laws without him. I would drive down to Alabama and spend time there. My ex mother-in-law would call me and check on me all the time. I have met his extended family also and already miss them so much. From Oklahoma to Alabama, I know them all. I always looked forward to visiting my in-laws in Alabama. I always feel so spoiled when I'm out there. I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I could lock myself in the room and watch T.V. all day or write. I will miss my father-in-law's cooking. He knew what my favorite dishes were and would always fix it for me. Low Country Boil was ALWAYS on the menu. Of course I would have to bake while I was there. Sometimes I'd make my father's famous bean soup for them. They loved that. **heavy sigh**

Tomorrow, we take care of one of the last pieces of business between us. We sign closing documents on the sale of our house. When he called me to confirm the appointment, I started to tear up after we hung up the phone. And then the flow of tears came gushing as I remembered our life together. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life and when he was happy, it was so magical to see him laughing and joking. We will always have this special time in our lives to look back on. Though I look forward with excitement at the road ahead of me, a part of me will always think back on what could have been between us.

I don't have a relationship to run to. I don't want to run into a new relationship. What I want is to discover me again; to be the girl that I was before this marriage. I love the freedom I have experienced since me and the ex split. I feel so free and so mobile. I have traveled more in the last five months than I have throughout our marriage and I love that. I have always wanted to feel this free - free to do whatever my heart desires. I want to date and have fun and not be so concerned about any particular significant other. I have been in relationships since I was 18 years old. I met my ex-ex-husband when I was 18. From day one that we met, it quickly blossomed into love. It was very apparent that it was going that route. And I waited for him. Waited three years til he was ready to marry me. After six years of marriage, he called it quits and I jump into the marriage that just ended. So I think I'm done, for now, with serious relationships. I just want to be free.

As I get ready to work up the nerve to see my ex-husband tomorrow, I think of how much I have grown in the past couple of months. I hope that he has grown as well. I send him love and light and all the happiness that one can hold to sustain him through life's meandering roads.

Chasm of Sorrow

Today is hard.
Today I am sad.

I was hopeful yesterday but today, today I am hopeless.

I love so deeply and so loyally that when betrayal arrives at my door, I feel broken.

I wish I could crawl back into bed, put a sheet over my head, and make the world go away. I wish I could sleep peacefully without the worries of tomorrow pulsing in my brain. Yet I don't think it is worry that keeps me awake but a loss of the expectation of what I thought my life would be like.

Tomorrow has changed significantly.
Tomorrow is a blur.

I cry when I'm alone.
Mourning.
Grieving.
Wishing things could be different.

I feel numb in the waking hours.
Insistent that this is just a nightmare and that I will wake from its grip.

My heart is breaking and I can do nothing but feel it intensely.
I am falling so helplessly down a chasm of sorrow.
And all I want is to feel joy again.

Not Feeling That

I used to pride myself on the fact that we were the perfect couple.

Open communication.
Sincere affection.
Physical attraction.

Today - I'm not feeling that.

I can't believe you think that you can come home at 6am after a night of partying and think I should just accept it.

My heart is feeling a little broken. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to know where you've been. I don't want to see your facebook posts from that evening. I don't want to hear about how much fun you had with your co-worker.

No. Not me.

I Miss You Mom

I'm really missing my mom right now. She has been on my mind all day. I wish she were here because she always knows just the right thing to say or do.

We didn't have enough time.

I miss her so much!

Need Advice, Will Listen

There's this girl. A teenage girl.

She lost her boyfriend through a terrible tragedy.

She wrote on her boyfriend's Facebook page that she misses him and that she can't wait to see him again and that maybe, it will be sooner than later.

What is she trying to say?

What should I say to her?
Should I say anything?

I wish I could help her through her pain.

* * * * * * * * * *
I don't know what it's like to lose someone you love "like that" to a tragic event. Especially as a teenager... when emotions are running high and everything is a dramatic production... think Romeo and Juliet. But I do know that wallowing in the sadness of it is not a way to live.

A Farewell

Dear Nani,

Today you will don some angel wings, cast off your physical body, and take off into the great unknown. I'm so happy to have known you and to have shared this earthly existence together as 1st cousins. After such a long struggle, your battle with cancer is done and you can take to the skies.

Give our grandmother and grandfather a great big hug for me. I look forward to the day that I will see you again in immortal perfection and having achieved the full measure of your creation.

I love you Zanetta and wish you peace on your journey and a fullness of joy.

With All My Love,
Your Cousin!

Me in the bottom left corner, she in the top-right corner.

Somber

Today has been such a somber day.

I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling in my heart. I thought it was the weather. I thought it was because I didn't sleep well. I thought it was because I stayed up late watching chick flicks. I thought I was crashing from experiencing such a natural high with the glorious events over the weekend.

Husband woke to get his exercise on and to motivate me to do the same. I opted to keep sleeping. I wish I had gone though because exercise always elevates my mood. And if anyone's asking... "YES - that is my husband that runs to Kakela and back in Hau'ula." I can't even hang with him when he runs. But that's all besides the point.

A little after 10AM my little brother calls and drops the saddest news ever. His team mate, classmate, and friend DeeDee ended his life. I don't know the particulars of the event except that it happened. I feel for my little brother (the same brother who broke my heart a couple weeks ago), for his classmates, and for everyone that is connected to this tragic event. I think of my dear friend Uila, whom DeeDee lived with at the time of his passing. I am just overwhelmed with emotion.

What kind of comfort can be extended when a life is taken so soon? There is no solace except in the belief in the eternities and that our souls continue to exist beyond this mortal plane. Today is also my cousin's birthday. Were he still alive, he would have been 32 today. Today was just bad, bad, bad. Rest in Eternal Love, DeeDee. I don't know what would drive you to such an intense decision. I am left with ONLY QUESTIONS.

That's Where I'm From

Photo Credit

This evening I attended a meeting with some of the girls (and a guy) that I grew up with. We met to plan out a fund raising event in honor of a friend, back home, who has battled cancer for the past couple of years. We sat in the room to discuss the execution of our Plate Lunch Sale. The brother of our friend was in attendance and gave us an update of her health. He said that the doctor said that she would only live for possibly another three weeks and that was two weeks ago.

Before I left Hawai'i, I did get a chance to see her. I even sang for her during one of her stays in the hospital. Her sweet spirit filled the room and her gigantic smile -- infectious. I thought about that time while her brother updated us and I could not fight back the tears. He said that his parents are still trying to come to terms with her dying so young yet she has made peace with it. What's sadder is that he has another sister that is in remission from the same cancer.

I really do come from a special place. Even though we're here in Utah, we are ever so mindful of our "sisters" back home. We are sticking together as we have in the past. I feel so fortunate to know that the friendship bonds we created so long ago, even if the only connection is that we're from the same strip of land on the North Shore of O'ahu, binds us together today.

I penned a poem in high school and a dear friend of mine turned it into a song:

It seems we've been friends
Since the beginning of time
There's no place I'd rather be than here with you
We're just like family but more than friends

Lord keep the memories and
Keep our love for each other alive
Life may take us to different places
But love will pull us back together

We have dreams to live and goals to achieve
Love that we'll find and chances we'll take
If anything shall change us
May it be for the better

Lord keep the memories and
Keep our love for each other alive
Life may take us to different places
But love will pull us back together

I can still here the tune in my head. It reminds me of the special place that I come from and all the special bonds that were created in high school; in elementary; in LIFE. No matter where I am in this world, I know that I am not just a face where I come from. People there know me. They know my accomplishments. They know my family. They know which part of the cemetery my family is buried. I am not a number in the crowd there. That's where I'm from. That's where I'd like to move back to one day soon.

Another tribute to Tasha and her battle with cancer, created by women from the same strip of land on the North Shore of O'ahu.... and that's where I'm from!

Fallen to the Earth

I hail from a very tight-knit community. Families have lived in that same strip of land, along the north-eastern coast of the island of O'ahu, for several generations. Some, as far back as pre-Captain Cook/ pre-European contact. I say that only to illustrate that we are a very close community. We all know each other. We are all connected to each other in some way. So when tragedy strikes in the community, when death steals a youthful soul, we all feel it so deeply. (Even if I'm not physically there, I feel it too!)

This past weekend a young man passed in a terrible car wreck. The accident reminded me so much of when my cousin passed back in 1996. Former Kahuku High School football star. Car accident. Late Saturday night. Even the location of the wreck was just a few yards from where my cousin's car accident occured. The gloom that is associated with losing someone so young just breaks my heart. So today, in rememberance of my cousin and the young man that passed on late Saturday night, I offer my deepest condolences to the families that are left behind.



When I Die, By Rumi

When I die
when my coffin
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world

don't shed any tears
don't lament or
feel sorry
i'm not falling
into a monster's abyss

when you see
my corpse is being carried
don't cry for my leaving
i'm not leaving
i'm arriving at eternal love

when you leave me
in the grave
don't say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind

you'll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
when the sun sets or
the moon goes down

it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed

have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human

have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well

when for the last time
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place no time

~RUMI, ghazal number 911,
translated May 18, 1992,
by Nader Khalili.

All Mental!

I just haven't been at my best these past couple of days. I wonder sometimes if I am one of "those people" they talk about on the CYMBALTA commercials... the ones that stop being interested in life. I sometimes think that most of my creative works, whether it be a beautiful photograph or a truly moving literary piece or whatever creative work I accomplish, is done when I'm way down in the dumps. Even when I do a special musical number, I find that it's when I'm saddest, when I'm furthest from hope and love, is when I truly sing with full emotion. It's like I have to feel this overwhelming sadness to pull from the depths of my soul an expression of extreme creativity.

I've been having a crappy week. Most times I pretend that everything is okay and I mask the sadness, the unhappy feelings, and all the pain behind a smile. I know I'll make it through the rut that I'm in but for right now, I'm sad. Maybe it's the phases of the moon or the position of my womanly cycle that has me so down and out. I really don't know. What I do know is that today was better than yesterday and tomorrow will definitely be better than today.

This move that we're making from a paradisiacal mecca to Alabama, U.S.A. is stressing me out! I'm frazzled! I wonder if other people experience this much trauma in making a move. I never used to be like this. What's wrong with me? I know it's the right thing to do but I want it to be on my terms. **heavy sigh**

Husband is not really helping me through the grieving process of letting go of my island home. So many of the things he says I interpret to be hurtful and downright mean. That makes me even more upset because he intentionally says things to hurt me. That is a line I don't cross when he and I are arguing. It's unbearable! I just get so tired of it. Everytime we argue, the first words out of his mouth is, "I'm divorcing you." I don't know if any of you have experienced the whole divorce thing but I'd rank it pretty high up there in degree of pain. And it flows so freely from his lips.

I'm at my wits end. I'm just tired. I'm tired of the arguing and the fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not appreciated by the man who purports to love me through eternity. I'm stressed and just thoroughly uninterested in what tomorrow brings. That is sooo not me in my regular life. Today is not my regular life.

I can totally understand why a person turns to drugs to deal with pain. It's easier to just "check out" on life and allow the drugs to lead you, rather than have to do the day to day. I think about a joint so often that I'm afraid if someone waved it in my face, I'd snatch it up in a heartbeat. But I've committed to myself to take care of my body temple and nurture it, rather than abuse it.

Tomorrow is another day and it will arrive whether I want it to or not. The same problems and pains that are here today will be there tomorrow. I only hope that I can find HOPE when I rise in the morning. It's all mental or am I mental?

Utterly Alone

Sometimes I feel so utterly alone in the universe, like my mind is a jumble of thoughts that no one understands. I wonder if I alienate people by my thought process. Do I send people running in the opposite direction once I open my mouth? In my mind, everything makes sense but when it comes out of my mouth it turns into mush.

I long so much to be needed, the way a child needs a mother, the way a husband needs a wife. I thought that when we marry, we swear off loneliness forever, and yet here I am... feeling utterly alone. As tears roll gently down my face, sadness grips my empty belly, and I am enveloped in loneliness.

I wonder where the carefree girl I used to be went. I wonder where the laughter went; that loud and glorious laughter that used to be my trademark. Would the girl I was at 19 recognize the image in the mirror now? I'm so tired, so very tired. I just want to lay down somewhere, close my eyes, and let it all drift off into nothingness.




**Photo Credit