Friday, December 09, 2016
It Seems Like It's Falling Apart
I search for inspiration in my daily life longing for creative expression in my writing, in my photography, and in my work. It appears that I feel most creative when I am in the depths of struggle even more than when I am in love. It is as if I am inspired by my pain and yet I have a need to shake the misery of lost love and get back to being joyful... alone. I don't need to be a part of a pair to be happy. Loneliness is a state of mind and I feel increasingly content with walking this life journey alone.
One of our conversations between the ex and I, I remember him telling me that the next man I marry would be very lucky to have me because I am such a good woman. His statement just about sent a dagger right through my heart. If I would be a great catch for another man, why didn't he want me? I will never understand his logic except that it is obvious that this good woman is not good enough for him.
The old paradigm of wanting another man to sweep me off my feet no longer applies to me. I always said that if my 2nd marriage ever met its demise that I would prefer to be alone instead of hitching myself to another. I still feel that way. Marriage does a number on a person's individuality. I will not compromise who I am and what I want from life anymore. One tends to do it to maintain a relationship. We sacrifice parts of ourself to operate as a pair. I have done that for a good portion of my life and it's time to really "do me." ...and I don't really know what "doing me" means yet.
I find myself immersed in love songs. As of late, I have had Lyfe Jennings on repeat. The lyrics of his modern ballad, I Will Always Love You, puts me in some kind of mood. I want to think that I have made a lasting impression on the man that I loved and I keep a small flame burning for the memories we've created together. Thirteen years is a long time to struggle through only to call it quits in the end. My only peace is that I see my star rising so clearly and I am grieved that I will not share that success with him; that my adventures will be solo from now on. We were such a great team but I suppose it was just meant for a season. I pray God's protection for him all the days of his life.
Have my trips to the mainland been about "doing me" or about escaping my reality? I think it has been both. Certainly I have reached out for something I have thought about for a very long time and in doing so I have opened a pandora's box. I don't know where this goes nor do I want to define it or label it. I have no expectation or desired outcome outside of the here and now. I have a strong desire to live in each moment and not think of tomorrow's consequences and it makes me quite the hedonist. I am okay with that. No restrictions. No boundaries except the ones I place on myself. Let any happiness I feel in each moment here be full and complete if only for a time. I am grateful for the space and time I am in right now and that the fabric of my dreams have become a reality.
Though my world seems as if it is falling apart, I know it is moving in a direction best suited to the development of my soul. I honor that and welcome it into my life. I will not look back at what was or put weight on the memories that were created. I can only move forward and I choose that today. Today I choose to flow like water and ride this wave to wherever it is taking me.