Thursday, April 18, 2013

Here's To Us

My life was in a state of chaos when I met you.

10 years ago today...

Out of chaos we have emerged as best friends first and lovers in the privacy of our lives. When we met each other we were both looking for something, someone to bring whatever was missing back in.

We celebrate 10 years of marriage in November. Has it been all good times? No. Definitely not. Some days, even now, it seems like parting ways would be a whole lot easier.

But here we are, still together; still holding on.

We have definitely grown together and evolved together. He is the yin to my yang. He is all logic and I am all dreams. He is masculine energy and I am feminine energy. He is the man that I dream of growing old with.

I am so grateful for his presence in my life to balance my dreamy, far-off philosophies. I'm thankful that our worlds collided, indeed it did.

Here's to US!
I'm so thankful for his concern for me. Sometimes it's overwhelming but always a welcome gesture of love. I may not show my gratitude... but I am grateful.

We learn. We grow. We love. We shift. We evolve. We gently push the boundaries. This is TRUE LOVE. I will never forget you.... and always, always will I love you through all generations of time.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

TBT: 1994 July 10th // My Brother's Birthday

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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Sunday
July 10th, 1994

Aroha?! It's 6am and I'm awake already. I'm worried about Dave's car all stuck in Kaaawa but my Dad won't help me out! I really hate my relationship with Dave. But I can't trust that Shane will be there. He still loves his freedom very much. So do I but with Shane I just want to be all his and he --> all mine. Shane is the type that is assertive! He doesn't wait for me to decide what we should do. He just does it! There is so much to think about. Dave is financially irresponsible and I know that in the future it's gonna irritate me because it erks me now. And his habits are so weird. Well, not weird but just different from mine. Shane and I are just THERE. Everything about the two of us is like in sync. Ya know?! We always find out something new. I love every moment I spend with him and I love to think about the next time I get to see him. He keeps me interested. He makes me want more from him. There is so much to look forward to. I just can't believe it's all gonna end in November when he leaves for WHEREVER. He has that Permanent Change of Station. I am gonna miss him. Miss visiting him. Miss having him to talk to! Everything about him. He is definitely my best friend. At least, right now he is. What makes it all weird is our age difference. We are 11 years apart. I don't have any problems with it but I think that if we ever ge serious, he will. I like him a whole lot. I wish he knew just how much! I love hearing from him during the day. He calls so much. Before, when we first started seeing each other, we just couldn't say enough to each other and now, exactly 3 months later it's still the same. We me on April 10th! I just can't say enough about him! He's my best buddy. I wish we had more time with each other. When I think about him leaving.... that hurt feelin in my chest comes and a pit in my stomach. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye.

Anyway, lastnite me and Rose went to Blockbuster and we bonded in the car. Talkin' about dating and marriage and finding the right man. We talked about religion. I kinda hope she stays here in Hawaii. She needs a REAL MAN. A Samoan one... :-)

This is my time to find out what it is I want in a man. Whether it's kindness to patience. Whatever. All I know is that I'm slowly realizing what I want. I kinda get a hint as to what marriage is about. I want one like my parents have. I mean, they have troubles but they always get through it. That's how it's supposed to be. You know, it's funny how when you think you want something and get it, it's not what you really want. Example. Dave, I thought he was everything I needed and I wanted him. Well, I got him and now I see that he's really not anything I want. Before, all I wanted from Dave was to hear him tell me how he feels. Now, he tells me how he feels all the time and it irritates me. It takes the mystery out of everything. But anyway, enough complaining. It's my fault. I just didn't think that he and I would get this serious. I know I upset him today by being honest and telling him how I feel about being single. I'm tellin' you, I'm just not ready for all that he wants me to be to him. All-a-dat has gots to go. I mean, I'm still young. I have rainbows to chase. Dreams to follow. Wishes to bring alive. Other shores to touch.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

TBT: 1994 July 8th & 9th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday

PREFACE: This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

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July 8th, 1994

Aroha?! So wassup. Nothin' much goin' on. I just got back from the funeral. It was smaller than expected. Cliff accompanied me on the piano while I sang "My Ways Are Not Thy Ways." It was so-so. But anyway, I just got rid of Dave and everyone just got back from playing basketball. I really don't have any deep thoughts. Lately, just SHALLOW things.

So much has changed. So much I need to adjust to. I just got back from a dance. It was alright. Like I did last week, I danced with my cousin all nite. Oh well. Dave wanted to come but fo' reals doe.

Oh it was so fun the other nite, we went to 'THE STEPS'. Made a bonfire and sat around and sang songs. We met two guys from Germany -- ULF and YENZ. Okay?! They was Kool. After lounging around for awhile we went swimming. It was COLD but we handled. Will came later. Me and him bonded. On the way home that nite, I ran into Luann.


July 9th, 1994

It's like 7:30 in the morning and Dave is right here. He is irritating the daylights out of me. He's around me 24-7. I get no privacy or no time away from him. That's all I ask. In fact, I feel like breaking up with him but I don't think he's gonna like it too much. I just wish... oh well, so much for wishing. His car broke down and he's asking me for money to fix it. Supposedly, the water pump broke. He's tryin' ta get my dad to fix it but he is goin' to a meeting. He makes me so mad. So irritating.

I spent the whole day with Shane. We mostly just slept all day. I got my period today. So I showered at Shane's house and all-a-dat. you know what happened... Pac stepped to me. He asked me when he'd get the chance to get the "DRAWS". And was talkin' about the two of us kickin' it after Shane leaves in November. I was surprised but at the same time disgusted. I mean he's bein' a DAWG. He's disrespecting Shane by doin' it and also myself by asking. He was really blunt. And the thing about Shane is that he's mature but still... a child at heart. Ya know?! I feel comfortable with that. And as hard as it is to admit it, I am beginning to care for him more than I should!

Portion of this journal entry