Sending Love in the Face of Goodbye

My ex-husband was my favorite subject for photographing. I loved taking his picture. In our travels, he always looked so international and I loved that about him and about us. I once thought that there was no one in this whole entire world that I would rather trot the globe with. He is thoroughly as unafraid of foreign destinations as I am. In our adventures together, I have photographed him in beautiful settings. Urban. Cultural. Scenic. I will miss that since we no longer have any association.

I will miss how mobile he and I were. His health and fitness and mine made us ideal companions. We used to take long hikes, vigorous hikes, all in the name of health and wellness. We traveled all over the world together and I thought, for sure, that this journey would last a lifetime. God knows I miss him but I will never let him see me cry again. One day he might regret walking away from US or he might not. Either way, I am okay with how things are turning out because all I have to worry about is ME and only ME now.

One day, when I'm not so sad from our break up, I will be able to look back at us with fondness. For the most part, I do appreciate the time we have shared. I appreciate the good times we've had together. I will always remember the fiery passion we had in the beginning. Flames were so hot that it had me marrying him just seven months after meeting him and we lasted thirteen years. We have done so many different things together. We've shared experiences together that I will probably never share with another. His strength, his concern for me (when we were happy), his handsome face and beautiful body is imprinted on my memory. 

I will miss his family. I felt so connected to them the minute I met them. When my ex was deployed to Iraq, I would visit my in-laws without him. I would drive down to Alabama and spend time there. My ex mother-in-law would call me and check on me all the time. I have met his extended family also and already miss them so much. From Oklahoma to Alabama, I know them all. I always looked forward to visiting my in-laws in Alabama. I always feel so spoiled when I'm out there. I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I could lock myself in the room and watch T.V. all day or write. I will miss my father-in-law's cooking. He knew what my favorite dishes were and would always fix it for me. Low Country Boil was ALWAYS on the menu. Of course I would have to bake while I was there. Sometimes I'd make my father's famous bean soup for them. They loved that. **heavy sigh**

Tomorrow, we take care of one of the last pieces of business between us. We sign closing documents on the sale of our house. When he called me to confirm the appointment, I started to tear up after we hung up the phone. And then the flow of tears came gushing as I remembered our life together. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life and when he was happy, it was so magical to see him laughing and joking. We will always have this special time in our lives to look back on. Though I look forward with excitement at the road ahead of me, a part of me will always think back on what could have been between us.

I don't have a relationship to run to. I don't want to run into a new relationship. What I want is to discover me again; to be the girl that I was before this marriage. I love the freedom I have experienced since me and the ex split. I feel so free and so mobile. I have traveled more in the last five months than I have throughout our marriage and I love that. I have always wanted to feel this free - free to do whatever my heart desires. I want to date and have fun and not be so concerned about any particular significant other. I have been in relationships since I was 18 years old. I met my ex-ex-husband when I was 18. From day one that we met, it quickly blossomed into love. It was very apparent that it was going that route. And I waited for him. Waited three years til he was ready to marry me. After six years of marriage, he called it quits and I jump into the marriage that just ended. So I think I'm done, for now, with serious relationships. I just want to be free.

As I get ready to work up the nerve to see my ex-husband tomorrow, I think of how much I have grown in the past couple of months. I hope that he has grown as well. I send him love and light and all the happiness that one can hold to sustain him through life's meandering roads.

Gestures, Being Alone, & Goodbye

I was seated on a flight, on my way back to Honolulu via Minneapolis via Los Angeles. Next to me was a couple who looked about my age. The wife is not feeling well. Her husband reaches over and rubs her back. The gesture is so simple and so thoughtful and has me wondering when my ex-husband stopped feeling that way about me. It would be easier for me to transition to single life if I would just stop imagining and making up stories in my head. I have a difficult time with that right now. My broken heart is still so fresh.

I don't like to think that I am defined by my relationship but as I review the last 13 years, I have done just that. What I really need is to be alone and not jump into another relationship so quickly. I need to "do me" for a minute before I let anyone back into my world. And yet I love to be in love. I love the feeling of butterflies in my belly.

Whoever "she" is, I hope she's good to him because he walked away from 13 years of marriage for a few weeks of flirting. I get it. It's exciting to have someone pique your interest. When guys would approach or flirt with me, I never acted on any of it but unfortunately he is. No one could ever doubt my loyalty. Sometimes, in a relationship, people have to push through the times when it's difficult to even like each other. This past year, he and I were both unhappy. He told me that he didn't want to waste anymore time or realize twenty years from now that he was unhappy the entire time.

My heart is so broken that he would treat me with such little regard after all that we have been through. He will never, ever have the opportunity to be with me again. Never. All the overly-romanticized sentiments of new heartache and professions of loving him forever are misplaced affection and I am done. Goodbye.

Today, I choose to care for my own heart and stop worrying about being a good wife or good woman. The best woman I can be is the one that lives my most empowered life. When he witnesses the magnitude of my life and the strength and power of my words, he will realize how small he is in comparison. And we both will understand why we could NEVER BE. Why his light could not match mine. Why the smallness of his mind could not realize how open my mind is to the wide expanse of the universe. My life is powerful and will fill the world with beautiful stories and emotions from words on a page and he will move forward as he always has... short-sighted vision.

My star is rising.
And I will walk this path all by myself.
Alone.

DrownDeep Hula

The message said DrownDeep Hula.

It's amazing what those words evoked. Images from time so long ago.

I forgot all about that song. The distinct bass line. The dreamy sound, as if he is submerged under water. And the lyrics? The lyrics are mysterious and delicious and requires the listener to make an emotional connection to the writer.

His music is so unique.
Lyrics so unique.

I have obsessed over Maxwell since he first landed on the Neo-Soul/R&B scene. And I added seeing him perform to my bucket list over twenty years ago. I am going to check this off my list soon, like within two weeks.

I can only focus on the goodness in my life since the horrible interruption on September 21st. By September 28th we were signing the divorce papers. The pain was intense for those first two weeks. At times it was hard to see even a few hours ahead of me. If someone would ask me what I was going to do for dinner, I just could not plan that far ahead. My heart was just so broken. This Maxwell concert is the right thing to have so that I can focus on something bigger than me and see past today's hurt.

**heavy sigh**

I am going to be okay. That's what I keep telling myself. I tell myself that my soon-to-be ex husband needs to be away from me to unravel his unhappiness and get back to being joyful. It hurts when someone tells you that they just don't love you anymore. I don't know anyone that can just shut off their feelings like that. Heck, my first husband said those same words to me when he divorced me. I can't say how that happens. I often think about what would have happened if I had let the first husband back into my world before I eloped with the second husband. Nobody knows.

What I do know is that when I love someone in that romantic way, I love hard. I love unconditionally. I give my everything. And I have loved only two men in this way and they both were my husbands. My friends tell me I'm lucky to have loved like that at all. Some people go through life never experiencing love like this. Do I thank my lucky stars? Sure. But break-ups are so hard. They are so taxing on me and yet I feel so alive.

The last year has been so rough within my failed marriage. Both he and I were ready for a change. I had two job offers over the summer. One I turned down because my husband said I should stay where I'm at even though I was unhappy there. My respect for him as the head of the household convinced me that I should listen. Now we've split and I hold a degree of resentment toward him for that. I guess we should always listen to our inner voice. He went through some rough patches also with his job that eventually led to him quitting even without having another job waiting. I supported him in that. I told him that no one should be that unhappy at a place that they have to spend eight hours a day at. So I told him to QUIT! And he did. He quit, he went home to see his little sister graduate from college, and life was still good.

**heavy sigh**

Fifty Shades... of Break Ups

I just completed the audiobook of Fifty Shades of Grey. I have to say that I didn't care too much for all the sex in the book and the BDSM actions. It was overkill. I did, however, enjoy the characters of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. None of the trailers or movies shorts on YouTube even come close to how I imagined the two characters. Anyway, **spoiler alert** throughout the book I was supremely irritated by Ana's naivete and Christian's mysteriousness. By the end of the book, though, I was rooting for both of them and hurting at the same time. I was so broken up. Ana's fall for Christian was so genuine. It reminded me of how I fell head over heels in love with my ex-husband, which of course led to our eventual break-up. By the end of Fifty Shades of Grey I was shedding tears over these fictitious characters and remembering the difficulty of falling in and out of love and dealing with the hard stuff of learning to trust someone else.

As soon as I arrived home from work, I dug out my journals from the years when my ex-husband and I were separated. I started reading and began crying as I read. I remember the feeling of not being needed by the man who I had given my heart to, with complete and utter abandon. Without going into a long and detailed explanation of our twisted relationship, the short story is that we separated after four years of marriage. He left me.You can dig in my blog archives for stuff that I've written about our ill-fated romance.

*****
DATE: 24 September 2002 (we had been separated more than a year)

I just wish my husband were here to make it all go away. But he's the other part of my emptiness. I still feel like I'm chasing him.

So what becomes of a faithful woman whose ONLY hunger is passionate, unconditional love? I tell him that I'll be here, waiting for him. But my life is just passing me by. When does it come back to me? I used to think that love could flourish with one person doing all the loving but it can't. To do that would be AGAINST the laws of nature. I need him to love me back the way I NEED to be loved and not the way he knows how. 

This year has been quite a struggle. I cry 2-3 times a week over this crazy love. And it doesn't affect him. Nothing I desire sways him EVER in my direction. Shane(fake name) wants what he wants when he wants it. I can't change that. I can't change him. I don't know if I mourn this strange love affair or... if I'm letting him go. I'm uncomfortable with both options. 

I just want to feel special. He doesn't make me feel special like it was when we first met. But even then, Shane had his walls up. I love him so much. I miss him like crazy. But I want it all. Don't I deserve it all?
*****

Break-ups are so hard. Going through my journal brings up all kinds of feelings. I have so much compassion on the person I used to be and who I am today is because I was that woman that suffered from unrequited love.

*****
DATE: 2 October 2002

My husband and I need to have a talk. I feel less than appreciated. I think he has stopped loving me. I'm a different woman than the one he left one year, one month, nine days, and three hours ago. I don't want half-a-commitment. I don't want to have to worry about him EVER leaving me...again. I don't want another birthday to pass unnoticed. I don't want to spend another Christmas apart. I don't EVER want to be alone on our wedding anniversary again. EVER!

What am I gonna do? There is an answer SOMEWHERE!!! Every time he needs a break from me, is he going to leave me? Is EVERYTHING ALWAYS my fault? I don't think he knows how much love I have for him. If he did, would he STILL treat me this way? And why do I have all this love for him when he gives me no reason. How do I know he loves me back?

Why do I continue to hold on when there is nothing in return?

He's supposed to be my best friend and some of these crucial feelings I'm afraid to share with him. Actually most of them. I try really hard to NOT feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job. But I'm tired of nagging myself to demand the love I need and deserve.

So many times throughout the day I see something that INSTANTLY reminds me of my husband. Could be the way someone smokes a cigarette. Could be a bald head. Or the way someone walks... and I think about him. 
*****

As I Remember It: Today

If I could write the post I really want to write today then I would start by saying that all RELIGION on the planet is first and foremost a business.

Second, I would say that RELIGION is the biggest peddler of saving souls for money. Even though tithing, in its truest form is a beautiful practice, I cannot say with all certainty that the tithing you pay to your God will be used in your soul's best interest. Know what I mean? Spending $2B dollars of tithing money to build a mall while laying off a bunch of people at your "step-child" university in the middle of the Pacific is not my idea of using tithing money wisely.

If we follow that money trail, parishioners may not like where it leads. The "church" is not interested in you as an individual. They are, however, interested in numbers; number of members, bottom dollar, tithing deposits, fast offering deposits, and on and on and on. The "church" is not interested in individuals!

Third, fostering a culture of white-supremacy and patriarchal orders has gnawed its last morsel from my authentic soul. I cannot! Anymore!

Finally -- with all the finality of any given day -- It is very difficult for me to process the emotions of today. I apologize to you, the reader, but I cannot share all that has transpired in the last day. I must express these sentiments right now and in this forum. I continue employment with this entity while someone I love very dearly has been given his walking papers. I am compelled to express the truest emotion, as I feel it; AS.I.REMEMBER.IT.