the trail of devastation in the life of ONE person...
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
So preacher man talked about the prophet, Elisha. Particularly about healing a Syrian captain of leprosy as found in 2 Kings Chapter 5.
This Syrian captains name is Naaman. The maid to Naaman's wife says to her mistress:
"Would God my lord were with the prophet that is in Samaria! for he would recover him of his leprosy."The maid is of the land of Israel.
So the king of Syria sends Naaman with silver and gold and fine clothing as payment to be healed by this prophet of Israel, Elisha. When Naaman arrives at Elisha's house. Elisha sends a messenger out saying that Naaman must dunk himself seven times in the river Jordan and he will be healed. (The river Jordan is not exactly the cleanest river.)
Naaman, puffed up in pride, is offended that Elisha hadn't even spoken to him or hadn't taken the time to meet him. So he went away completely ENRAGED. Naaman's servants told him:
"Why are you angry? If the prophet had asked you to do something great, wouldn't you have done it? Yet the prophet is only asking you to do a simple thing by washing in the river."Naaman understood what they were telling him and he took himself to the river and dunked himself seven times and was made clean.
So preacher man began to talk about OBEDIENCE being the first law of heaven. OBEDIENCE! I thought it was quite appropriate and I was highly EDIFIED today by what he had talked about. So I just thought I'd share it.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Face to face
We forget time and place
Hold me now
Don't let go
Though it hurts and we both know
The time we spend together's gonna fly
And everything you do to me
Is gonna feel so right
Baby when you're loving me
I feel like I could cry
'Cause there's nothing I can do
To keep from loving you
(performed by Gloria Estefan)
Monday 02 April 2001
Dear Pepa, (the name of my diary)
The year is just flying by. My marriage is tick-tocking away. My husband has stopped caring about what we have. And I am sad. I take each day --> ONE AT A TIME. And I prepare myself for the end of our marriage. It is not something I want. Not at all. I don't want this love affair to end. I love him with everything I am. Being unappreciated takes its toll and yet with my husband, I can continue. I can take it if we're in Hawaii. Just give me a reason to do it. We don't love the way we used to. I lok at him and fall in love all over again. Every single time. And then, I feel like he doesn't love me back. I feel like I am a burden to him.
I sit at work and wonder what he's thinking. I think about him leaving. Think about him loving someone else. Think about how his promise to me means nothing. But then, that could go the same for him. He could be thinking the same thing of me --> that my promise to honor and respect him means nothing. I just don't know how he could just come home from New Mexico and wanna up and leave. Why am I not enough?
Before he left for New Mexico during this past holiday season... he told me that he was gonna take a leave of absence and help his mama for a few months. Well, he's decided that WE'RE moving to New Mexico. So here I am with a new job that I absolutely LOVE and can honestly see a future in it. One that will bring us financial security. And he wants me to leave it for "small town America". Just give me one reason to want to leave. Love is not enuff. It's so easy for him to leave me. And he tells me it's so easy for me to stay. Rightly so. I've built a life here, we've built a life together. Why is it so hard to see that?
The last time we made love, I cried. I was hurting inside. He was on top of me and all I could think about was that he was leaving me. All I thought about was that he loved me but not enough to stay with me. I could only think of how our love wasn't worth it. What is our love worth? Is it worth giving up my happiness? Is it worth giving up his happiness? I cannot ask of him that which I am not capable of. So we have agreed to separate. This is the first time I have admitted it. I don't wanna be without him but I cannot live in New Mexico.
He wants me to be something I'm not. He wants me to do what he did when we first came back here.... we left New Mexico and moved here. He left his home to come to my home. Now he wants to go back. But I am not him so how can he expect that of me? I don't wanna work for the State of New Mexico, like he's suggesting. That's off the subject. On the real --> if he doesn't wanna be with me, he will leave me. And as he prepares to leave me, I will prepare to be alone. My love for him does not end. I cannot envision loving another the way I love him.
I sit here and look at our pictures --> they always seem to capture us looking sooo happy. And he has made me happy. How he has treated me -- means the world to me. How he has ALWAYS been there for me... no one could fully know. And I will love him forever. I will still need him and forever long for him. Crave only him. And if he must leave me then do so!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Bush knows there's an energy crisis is on the horizon.
- He signed an Energy Bill?
- He's discussing Peak Oil?
- What does the Secretary of Energy know about energy? He must be a puppet... much in the same way the recent Iraqi government is a puppet.
Some people would rather pretend that peak oil doesn't exist. You be the judge. Do you REALLY think those roving blackouts are because of a so called "transformer malfunction"? HARDLY! Peak oil is real.
On the flip side, there's always a flip-side, there are MANY other energy sources and many that are being researched... but the research is a little tardy. Peak oil began in the 1960's. The United States was the top producer of oil back then. We've sucked the oil wells dry here and continue to deplete the rest of the world of fossil fuels. Americans are the largest consumers of fossil fuels. We LOVE our S.U.V.'s. We LOVE our street lights. We LOVE convenience. We are energy WHORES. We sell our future for energy now. Read the analysis of who consumes the most energy by continent and country HERE.
Okay, okay, it sounds like I'm preaching that the "sky is falling". It could be falling if you're not prepared for this looming energy crisis. If you ARE absolutely ready... you have alternative energy sources in place. Hydro-electric. Solar power. Wind power. GeoThermal. Wave power. Read the Blog.
If alternative energy is NOT your thing... can you survive without fossil fuels? Fossil fuels account for 90% of world energy consumption. That means 90% of what you do requires fossil fuels. Don't think so?
- It takes 7 gallons of crude oil to produce one tire
- It takes 42 gallons of crude oil, but only one gallon of used oil, to produce 2 ½ quarts of new, high-quality lubricating oil.
- Synthetic rubber accounts for about 60 percent of the total world-wide consumption of rubber and is derived from oil, whereas the remaining 40 percent is naturally derived from the rubber tree.
- If fuel economy were improved by 5 m.p.g., American consumers would save 1.5 million barrels of oil per day, more than half of what the U.S. imports from the Middle East.
- Worldwide, bicycles outnumber automobiles almost 2 to 1, but of all the trips taken in the U.S. just 2/3 of 1 percent are made by bicycle.
- In 2000, cars guzzled 8.2 million barrels of oil per day, up from 6.9 in 1990. This rise in fuel use corresponded with a 47 percent increase in petroleum imports. The 8.2 million barrels per day of fuel consumed by U.S. automobiles nearly matches the amount of oil produced by Saudi Arabia.
- An incandescent light bulb cost 75 cents or less at the store, but it will typically cost six to 10 times that for electricity over its relatively short (750-hour) life.
- Materials use has grown 18-fold in the United States since 1900. Substances such as aluminum and plastic were virtually unknown at the turn of the century. Since that time, aluminum production has climbed more than 3,000-fold, and synthetic chemicals production has increased 1,000-fold since 1930 in the United States alone.
Recycling 35 percent of our trash conserves enough landfill space to serve the combined cities of Dallas and Detroit 92 times over, saves enough energy to fuel six million homes annually, generates $5.2 billion in raw materials each year, and reduces global warming emissions equivalent to taking 36 million cars off the road. Office of the Federal Environmental Executive, White House Task Force on Recycling, “Recycling for the Future,” June 1999. (City of Fairview Oregon)
These are just small examples of how much we consume. If the source of our food is the grocery store, the domino effect of peak oil on that is RIDICULOUS.
The systems that produce the world's food supply are heavily dependent on fossil fuels. Vast amounts of oil and gas are used as raw materials and energy in the manufacture of fertilisers and pesticides, and as cheap and readily available energy at all stages of food production: from planting, irrigation, feeding and harvesting, through to processing, distribution and packaging. In addition, fossil fuels are essential in the construction and the repair of equipment and infrastructure needed to facilitate this industry, including farm machinery, processing facilities, storage, ships, trucks and roads. The industrial food supply system is one of the biggest consumers of fossil fuels and one of the greatest producers of greenhouse gases. (Why Our Food Is So Dependant On Oil)It really is crazy when you think about it. Declining fossil fuels will effect the population. Believe it or not! Peak oil is real and there is an ENERGY crisis.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Some people can love one another for life
How 'bout us
Some people can hold it together
Last thru all kinda weather
(Performed by Champagne)
Monday 09 April 2001
Aloha?! Well, I feel a little better. I just wrote a five page letter to my husband. Tomorrow makes seven years since we met. He has truly blessed my life. But I have come to realize that true love does not bind one. Set him free. I love him, what can I say? What do I do? In all the world, I can only love him and I will love him for the rest of my life. I promised to do so on January 4th, 1997 and I will love him only. I only wish that he felt the same for me.
My husband amazes me. How much I love him amazes me. God has truly blessed me by sending M into my world. How can we let something as simple as where we live get in the way of this true love.
Thought we'd give breaking up a try
It's clear to me
That I made a big mistake
I tried my best to fall for somebody new
I closed my eyes and there was you
Cause you're a tough act to follow
Memories of you, I just can't let go
(Performed by Starpoint)
I hate thinking of him loving someone else or letting someone else get close to him. Can you believe that? Seven years since we first met. Anyway, I don't like to think of him being with someone else or saying goodbye to me. But if his heart is in New Mexico then how can I ask him to stay with me? Cause no matter, he will never be happy. Where his heart is, therein lies his happiness. And if my love is true then I should only want him to be happy. So follow your heart wherever it will take you.
My baby has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life and I can only love him for that. I love him when he has nothing left to give me. When he's grouchy I love him dearly. When he's happy... that is when I am happiest. No one can love him the way I do. But what if someone can? What if someone else can make him happier? Then, I can only be happy for him and sad for the love I lost. I'm a survivor and I can make it. But the world is easier to travel knowing that someone got my back. Someone knows me inside and out, like a book. That person is M. I miss him already and he hasn't even left me yet.
If he is not happy here, I cannot ask him to stay. Maybe he will be happier in New Mexico. You know what I just thought of? My husband has a lawyer on retainer. If he wanted to divorce me, it would be so quick. I am so sad. I feel like we have a one-in-a-million love affair. I will never love another man this way.
I think about how this love affair started out. Somethin' else. I loved him then. I love him now. We were a good pair from the very beginning. Our endless talks, our secret rendezvous, our private love affair. Everything was so good. Our love is sooo worth preserving. Everything we have is worth every sacrifice even if it means putting our very relationship on the line... I am willing! If it means that we will find it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Maybe it was due to the number of years I had been so numb. The ONLY man to ever break my heart had made me numb from the countless years of neglecting me. That feeling creeps up on me from time to time. It's evident in some of my posts. For the most part, I'm OVER it though. So anyway.....
He made me feel so alive. Regardless of the "whys" (why he made me feel so alive), I had never felt this way before. And if I did, I was NOT recognizing it at all. How had a simple evening out lead to this awakening? It was like there was a dragon asleep inside of me and he had brought it back from eternal slumber.
My life was in such turmoil when "A." came into my world. My mind was telling me that I shouldn't be involved with a man so soon after breaking up with the ex. My mind was telling me that this man was going to break my heart just like the last one did. My mind was telling me that EVERYONE was going to think I was crazy for jumping back into the dating game. But my heart was telling me otherwise. I followed my heart.
Our first date ended at 5am. (We didn't sleep together... I know that's what yall are thinking. **giggles**) "A." had mentioned many times that he wanted to spend the next day with me. I didn't pay any mind to it because I'd believe it when it actually happened. This is where we pick up where we left off.
I made it back to my apartment safe and sound. I was so tired and so in need of sleep. At the same time, I was so excited and feeling so ALIVE. I quickly fell asleep with a HUGE smile on my face. It had to have been only an hour later when my cell phone awoke me. It was this dude, RSW... a friend that wanted MUCH MORE than friendship. I gave him the brush-off and went back to sleep.
I knew I had to get up. It was Easter Sunday 2003 and I wanted to attend services. Before I got ready for church, I called Chele to tell her what's been goin' on with me. Divorce. blah blah blah. Somebody sucked my toes. blah blah blah. RSW wanted more. blah blah blah. The list went on and on. So anyway, I went to church. There was three missed calls on my cell phone. None of them were from A... the one who said he'd like to spend the day with me. **sigh** I was bummed.
So I carried on. I returned the three phone calls. 1st - Ree... my "sister" in St. Louis. 2nd - Work... they had a mini-crisis. Finally... RSW -- apparently he wanted to spend the day with me as well. Since A. hadn't called yet and it was just past noon, I decided to take my butt to RSW's place. I hadn't been there even an hour and my phone started ringing again. Work... mini-crisis solved. Then... the man that was waking every single NERVE in my body, "A.", called.
I did a quick exit. Told RSW that I had to help prepare Easter Dinner for some friends and BOUNCED! What really happened is that A. had called and I needed to be away from RSW to talk to A. LOL... When I finally got into my car, I called A. back.
"I told you I'd like to spend the day with you," he said.I didn't want to seem too EAGER so I played with him for a minute. What our conversation finally whittled down to was that I'd head out to his place.
When I layed eyes on him again, the butterflies fluttered in my belly MORE wildly than the evening before. I was so excited to be near him. As soon as I got there my cell started ringing again. I know folks are wondering why I didn't just turn the durn thing off. LOL... I had to leave it on because my job payed part of my bill. That particular phone conversation had me tied up for like thirty minutes. It was almost RUDE except A. was preparing an early dinner so he didn't really mind.
When he served dinner, we ate. He commented on my dress. He thought I got all dressed up for him when really I just hadn't been home since I left to go to church. LOL. Go figure. I could have let him think I did do it for him BUT... that is just NOT. MY. STYLE. lol... I had to tell him the truth -- "Don't flatter yaself!!!"
We talked on into the evening. He asked me to spend the night and we argued back and forth about it... it was just NOT MY STYLE. Reality -- I was scared. Prior to A., I had been with just my EX for six years. I didn't know what to expect of a man other than the ex. But you know what... I didn't let it stop me. I decided I'd stay the night. And its funny because, we slept in the same bed... but we didn't "sleep" together.
Like in Waiting to Exhale when Bernadine(Angela Bassett) and James(Wesley Snipes) get a hotel room... and they talkin' about how they've never done this before, etc. and the mental note you make in your head is that they're about to knock some serious boots. What actually happens is NOTHING. Nothing happens. The camera pans out and the only thing that has happened is that they fell asleep in each others arms, fully clothed. Kinda sweet isn't it?
Well, that's what happened with myself and A. I wanted to feel him next to me but I didn't want to "consummate". He would need more than some cute dimples and a flawless body to get that done. So we fell asleep in each others arms. He totally respected me. Of course he tried but I didn't let him... and he was very respectful. These first few evenings that we spent together SET ME UP to fall in love. I knew I was consciously going to yearn for this man and there was no turning back. He was VERY respectful of the boundaries I had. That was more precious than anything, to me. And he made me feel like a NEW WOMAN.
We never spent another day apart after that for two ENTIRE months. He awakened me. The only question is, what had he awakened me for?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Movie you watched: ummm.... Hustle and Flow... date night a couple of weeks ago
Movie you bought : Pretty In Pink
Song you listened to: I Want You... Erykah
CD you bought : Stevie Wonders greatest hits
CD you listened to : Erykah Badu, Mama's Gun
Person you've called : Summer
Person that's called you : Summer
TV show you watched : some infomercial on TV lastnight
You have a crush on someone : no... I'm in love with my husband!
You wish you could live somewhere else : sometimes... i'd like to move either to australia or somewhere in the south pacific... real soon
You believe in online dating : i guess. what's the definition?
You want more piercings : i've always wanted my eyebrow pierced... but i don't think it will happen.
You like roller coasters : love 'em
You write in cursive or print : depends on my mood
FOR OR AGAINST...
Long distance relationships : it can work... and it DEFINITELY builds some character
People : huh?
Gay/lesbian relationships : whatever makes them happy... we're all children of God
Ever cried over a boy: yep yep.... but that's sooo HIGH SCHOOL. lol
Ever cried over a girl : sure... all my really good friends... we've shed tears together.
Ever lied to someone : **smirk**
Ever been in a fist fight : dont think i've ever been in one. if i have... it was me breaking it up and telling folks how stupid they are for needing to fight
Shampoo do you use : kandesn... it's organic
Shoes do you wear : flip flops most of the time
Are you scared of : not much scares me... sometimes tasks are overwhelming
of times I have been in love? : twice
of times I have had my heart broken? : once
of hearts I have broken? : just one, i think... maybe two
of times my name has appeared in the paper? : couple of times... i was a track star in high school... had a big ole pic in there as well... also... i wrote to the editor a lot.
of things in my past that I regret? : live and learn... try not to REGRET
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...Pretty : pretty... i dont know about that...
Funny : i do alright
Hot : i sure am... i got the AC on ... ok... that was corny... LOL
Friendly : try to be
Amusing : i can be
Ugly : i can be
Loveable : ohhhhh definitely!
Caring : yep... if you're worth caring for. LOL
Sweet : some of the timeDorky : ahhh.... sure... sometimes
FAVORITE...4 letter word : love
Actor/actress : Today: terence howard... just saw hustle and flow & jasmine guy... i love the showtime series Dead Like Me
Cartoon : all time fave is the Flintstones... but i never see it anymore
Cereal : corn flakes
Chewing gum : winterfresh eclipse
Color(s) : RED
Day of the week : Friday
Least fave day : a day that i'm not doing anythingFlower : yellow plumeria, "magic" hibiscus, red roses
Jelly flavor : grape, strawberry, passion fruit
Jewelry : my black pearl pendant
Summer/Winter : there are things to love in both seasons
Slept in your bed : me and husband
Saw you cry : my dad
Made you cry : husband
Yelled at you : all the kids that are around me from time to time... they harrass me. LOL
Sent you an email: my aunt in Georgia
HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I love you" and meant it? : all the time
Kept a secret from everyone : not from everyone... someone usually knows
Cried during a movie : absolutely
Planned your week based on the TV : oh hell no
Been backstage : sure
Been to New York : yep
Been to California : yep
Hawaii : this is where i am
China : nope... plan to get there one day
Canada : nope... haven't been that far up north
Europe : nope
Asia : nopeSouth America : nope
Africa : nope but i'd love to go
What time is it now? : 735pm, Monday, 22 August 2005
This or That?..
Apples or bananas? : bananas
Blue or red? : red
Walmart or Target? : Target
Spring or Fall? : Fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this? : go to Summer's house to eat chicken and mushroom linguine
Was the last meal you ate? : some hot dogs... yuckky... but the power went out today and couldn't prepare something healthy
Are you bored? : nope
Last noise you heard? : wind in the trees
Last smell you sniffed? : the ocean
Friendship/Love...Do you believe in love at first sight? : ABSOLUTELY
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? : yes... ideally 4... but i'll take whatever my Heavenly Father blesses me with
Most important thing to you in a friendship is : trust and honesty and mutual respect... that's with ANY relationship
Other Info ...
Do you speak any other languages? : yes
Last book you read? : Fit For Life
Thing in your bedroom you like? : LOL... all my reading material on the night stand
Your Nickname(s) : BABY(parents call me this), neeroC (my birth name backwards), neena(spin off of previous nick), 'reen
Initials : CKPW... lol
How old do you act? : 119
Glasses/Contacts : glasses
Braces : nope
Do you have any pets? : yes
You get embarrassed : rarely... but even if i were, you'd never know it. HAHAHA... it takes a whole lot to embarrass me. i have a way of flipping it.
What makes you happy? : my relationships... with God, with my husband, with my family... and any other relationships you can think of
What upsets you? : ignorance
Finish the sentence...
I Love to... be in love and spread that sunshine with everybody
I Miss... my nieces and nephew in michigan
I Am Annoyed by... ignorance! People who perpetuate dysfunctional cycles.
I Want to be... a mother one day. That permeates my thoughts lately.
I Would Never... say never.
I Am Tired of... being tired.
I Will Always... look for new and interesting things to alter my thinking through education... sounds like a mission statement for some kinda college. LOL
Saturday, August 20, 2005
I wish everyone could feel the way I do today. I wish everyone had a love like this. Our journey together was INTENDED... meant to be. That sounds soooo BORROWED, so unoriginal... but that's how I feel... like we were MEANT TO BE. **giggles**
So today, I want the world to know that I love you. I adore you. I praise your mother for bringing you into this world.
Forever and a Day,
Friday, August 19, 2005
Government funded schools STIFLES our creative genius... it teaches US to work for someone else. Think if Bill Gates stayed at MIT... I wouldn't have any of these wonderful microsoft programs to play with.
Education is a wonderful thing... but we MUST balance it with alternative ways of thinking and alternative sources of information. Am I wrong?
Food and Drug administration.... there is nothing similar between food and drugs EXCEPT maybe that America has created an atmosphere where the way we eat will EVENTUALLY require drugs.
I kinda liked the movie Jeepers Creepers 2. Was I the only one?
Do we compromise our morals to have a nice cushie job? We ALL must earn a living, of course... but lets take a look at probably one of the bigger employers in our country --> the government. Do they stand for EVERYTHING we even want to work for? **sigh** COMPROMISE is a mutha.
Did any of you watch Supersize Me? I wish folks would watch it. The guy gained 24 and a half pounds in a month. Cholestorol shot up 65 points. Yuckkkkk. Now, if you go to McDonalds they have a disclaimer up. The crazy thing is... NO ONE reads it. NO ONE cares.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Where are the people that speak my language?
I'm talkin' about a REVOLUTION.
I'm talkin' about not accepting status quo.
I'm talkin' about effecting change.
We've all heard the references of Bush's cabinet to Hitler's rule, right? Here's a sampling of what people are referring to when they compare both regime's. The article in its entirety can be found HERE.
So far, I've seen nothing to eliminate the possibility that Bush is on the same course as Hitler. And I've seen far too many analogies to dismiss the possibility. The propaganda. The lies. The rhetoric. The nationalism. The flag waving. The pretext of 'preventive war'. The flaunting of international law and international standards of justice. The disappearances of 'undesirable' aliens. The threats against protesters. The invasion of a non-threatening sovereign nation. The occupation of a hostile country. The promises of prosperity and security. The spying on ordinary citizens. The incitement to spy on one's neighbors - and report them to the government. The arrogant triumphant pride in military conquest. The honoring of soldiers. The tributes to 'fallen warriors. The diversion of money to the military. The demonization of government appointed 'enemies'. The establishment of 'Homeland Security'. The dehumanization of 'foreigners'. The total lack of interest in the victims of government policy. The incarceration of the poor and mentally ill. The growing prosperity from military ventures. The illusion of 'goodness' and primacy. The new einsatzgrupen forces. Assassination teams. Closed extralegal internment camps. The militarization of domestic police. Media blackout of non-approved issues. Blacklisting of protesters - including the no-fly lists and photographing dissenters at rallies.
There isn't much doubt in my mind - anyone who compares the history of Hitler's rise to power and the progression of recent events in the US cannot avoid the parallels. It's incontrovertible. Is Bush another Hitler? Maybe not, but with each incriminating event, the parallel grows -it certainly cannot be dismissed. There's too much evidence already. Just as Hitler used American tactics to plan and execute his reign, it looks as if Karl Rove is reading Hitler's playbook to plan world domination - and that is the stated intent of both. From the Reichstag fire to the landing at Nuremberg to the motto of "Gott Mit Uns" to the unprovoked invasion and occupation of Iraq to the insistence that peace was the ultimate goal, the line is unbroken and unwavering.
Here's another site that is quite informative regarding Hitler vs. Bush. Click Here!
These articles are alternative news sources. It is just the counterbalance to what you see on CNN and FOXnews spilling out.
Bush and his cabinet are slowly stripping away our civil liberties.... the Patriot Act violates the majority of the American citizens constitutional rights.
When will you rise up to the challenge?
When will you BATTLE those who mean to enslave us?
Monday, August 15, 2005
That's how it all began.
There I was, newly single and not quite afraid of what was ahead yet at the same time TOTALLY open to possibilities. I had spoken to this man on the phone months ago. At the time I was married and completely INTO a masochistic man who had finally broken the proverbial camels back by divorcing me after six years of marriage, blah blah blah. (You know that story from the previous heartbreak entries. This entry is the counterbalance to those previous posts.) Back to the story at hand.
We agreed to meet in a parking lot. I had spoken to this man months ago. I told him I was married and had no intentions of EVER leaving that man or cheating on him. He quickly hung up and NEVER called back until one fateful night. It was Friday night and just four days after my ex announced that he wanted a divorce. I had cried myself to sleep that evening and was awakened by my cellphone blinging away. I recognized the number but I was drawing a blank and it was NOT in my phonebook so no name popped up. **sigh**
"Hello," I answered. I was groggy and half asleep.Upon hearing his voice, I knew exactly who he was. I scanned my mind for his name. Retrieved it THEN got back to the conversation.
"Wassup," is what he said. That's it. That's all he had for me.
"Do you know who this is?" He stammered out the question.He had intrigued me. Piqued my interest. And when I fell back asleep that evening, I was ALMOST excited about being single again. The possibilities were suddenly real. I was no longer married. Though I had emotional issues simmering in my back yard, I could play in the front yard... date, flirt, go out for drinks, dance with men at the club and on and on... worry about the stuff in the backyard later.
"Yeah. I remember who you are. What have you been up to?" and blah blah blah... the conversation went on and on.
The next morning I woke up bright and early to go to work. I had started going in on Saturday's because I was short-staffed. Overtime was TOTALLY in order and honestly, I had nothing better to do. The conversation with 'man from outta the blue', the previous night, had entered my mind but I thought he'd be a disappointment. To my surprise, round noon, he called me on my cell. Then he called me at my job and we stayed on the phone until I got off work. We hadn't set any plans in motion. I was too scared.
After work that evening, I made plans with BooBoo to get "wasted" at her place and maybe go out cruising for men. On my way to her house, I decided I wanted to see what 'man from outta the blue' was about. He knew what I looked like, he had seen me on the internet. I had NO idea what he looked like. I was curious than a mugg and the conversation we had all day at work had me wondering. So as I was saying, I was on my way to BooBoo's place and I detoured to meet with 'man from outta the blue'. I was in desperate need of male attention.
We agreed to meet in a parking lot and that's just what we did.
I had NO IDEA what he looked like. Prior to this meeting, he was just a voice on the phone. But, the instant I layed eyes on him, I was taken by his dimples and his beautiful face and his body shape. I was UTTERLY, COMPLETELY and TOTALLY attracted to him. I felt instantly frumpy. I hadn't done anything special to make myself cute. I had on a brown paisley print tube dress with some dark brown flip flops with a heel. My mane was ALL NATURAL... glorious with curls. He got ME right then and there. I parked my car there at the parking lot. As soon as our eyes met he said, "Hey Beautiful," and the AWAKENING had begun.
I hopped in his car and we drove to his place so he can get changed. After that, we were headed over to BooBoo's house as previously planned. I called BooBoo and told her that I was bringing a date. She rushed and got her a date as well.
'Man from outta the blue' was a perfect gentlemen the entire evening. He opened doors. Payed for everything and was NOT trying to go dutch. He did everything right. We spent the entire evening drinking and talking, playing dominoes, talking more and just getting to know each other. The butterflies in my belly fluttered wildly. We kissed that night. He sucked on my toes that night. But the highlight really was the conversation. How else could he get a kiss from me? **giggles**
I knew something special had begun. It was nearly 5am before we parted ways. No! We didn't sleep together thought he DID try. We just had a genuinely great time together kissing and making out like hormonal teenagers.
The dragon in me was stirring. He awakened me and I was excited to see where this dragon was going to take me.
Friday, August 12, 2005
When I hear someone sad and moody, I'm pulled down into their emotional wasteland. Then I feel obligated to spread my sunshine into their world. If it doesn't work, I feel like a total failure for not succeeding in cheering up someone that obviously doesn't want to be cheered up. **sigh** Does that make sense?
When I wake in the morning, I'm ecstatic about the possibilities that lie ahead of me. And that's how a typical day begins. I hate dragging yesterday into the NOW. Isn't it counterproductive?
Eternal optimism is a blessing because I tend to see the brighter side of everything.
Eternal optimism... a curse... because not everyone is like me and NO amount of cheering people up will make them "cheer-y".... and I shouldn't blame myself for it.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A couple of days ago, I had a need to purge. The result was Heart : Broken. Here is the continuation!
- Miss four Holiday seasons together (Christmas and New Years, four times in a row) - He always went running home for the holidays. I was working in retail and I could never get off work. The holiday season was our busiest time. Instead of staying, he LEFT me.
- Four wedding anniversaries together - He was in New Mexico with his family... our wedding anniversary was January 4th... so home for the holidays meant he'd be AWAY from me even on our anniversary.
- My birthday was just another day. I can't remember one single gift from him. Come to think of it, I hadn't received any Christmas gifts from him either. Even though I ALWAYS sent him a card for Christmas. How's that? I had to send my husband a card, not cuz he was away on business but because he'd rather be with his mother and sisters on Christmas.
- Two years before he decided he wanted to divorce me, we got separated. I was a nun all those months waiting on him; just hoping he'd get it together.
There was never a challenge for him. I wish I was that woman again. The woman that loved with complete abandon. Instead, I've become this woman with a whole bunch of "crippled cells" and a whole lot of reservations in my second attempt at true LOVE.
So he's gone. I call my boss and call in sick for the next couple of days. There was no way I'd be able to keep a straight face at work. I was the supervisor in the office and I knew I wouldn't fulfill my duties. The very next day, I went to a womans shelter and volunteered my time. The best way to forget your worries is to serve someone less fortunate than yourself. You will see that no matter how hard you think life is, there is someone that suffers even greater than you. I had so much to be grateful for even though my cells were being crippled and my mind was being mangled.... me heart broken and just getting totally stomped on... I still had it better than a whole bunch of folks.
When I returned to work, I didn't have much to catch up on. My staff was sooo well trained that they functioned EXCELLENTLY with or without me. Of course this made it easy for me to be promoted! But that's another story. In the days following the announcement of my divorce, I headed straight to the bar or the liquor store. It seemed that the only thing that could contain my sorrows was the bottle. Heineken, Steinlager, Bud Light, Tequila Sunrise, it didn't matter, they were all worthy company.
On many occasions prior to the signing of divorce papers, he'd call me. The calls were usually the same every single time.
"What are you doing?" he'd say.Those conversations usually left me breathless, shaking and in tears. I hated it. I hated him for coming back to me after two years of being separated to try and work it out only to leave me again. I hated myself for allowing him to do it to me. Hindsight being 20/20, I'm glad he left me. I just didn't have the guts to do it. I thought I loved him and was being a good woman by being ever faithful. What I was, was WEAK! I had allowed this man to dictate my life. Is that was love is?
"Nothing. What do you want?"
He'd reply, "I just called to check on you, to see how you're doing."
"Why? Why do you want to know? Why do you care?" and then I'd start crying.
And being the man that he is, he'd say, "Don't start that crying mess. I'm not tryna hear that. Do you think this is easy for me?"
"What did I do wrong? Tell me how I can make it better. Can't we try again? I'll move wherever you want me to. Just tell me how you need me to love you. I want to be that woman!" I was pitiful. And of course by this time, I'm a complete wreck and I can't catch my breath.
"Look, don't cry. This is hard enough as it is."
"Where did I go wrong? Why don't you love me anymore?" I'd beg him to answer.
"It's not you. It's me. You're a good woman. I just can't be with you anymore."
Nine days after the announcement that he wanted to divorce me, we were signing papers. He still had my house key so I told him that I'd meet him at the apartment. I didn't contest the divorce so I hadn't retained a lawyer so we didn't need to sign with any lawyers present.
As soon as I walked into the house, I could feel him there. I could smell his scent. I convinced myself that the only way to get through this was to be a pillar of strength. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to beg. I just wanted to sign the papers and for him to leave. I walked into the house, headed straight for the stereo and pressed play. Wouldn't you know it, the song playing was Lifetime by Maxwell. If you get a chance, go read the lyrics. This was my life!
He was sitting on my bed sipping a 40-ounce of Colt45. Very little was said and really, there was no use in prolonging the moment. We went into the kitchen and there, on the counter, was the divorce contract. I read through it. We had NOTHING together. No real estate. No children. No bank accounts. No bills. NOTHING. All we had was a marriage certificate and a trail of hurt that pointed to that man being in my life. The only error on the paperwork was his social security number. Even in our final days of marriage, I still had to clean up after him. I pointed to the error and he noted it. I tried stalling in hopes that in a few minutes he'd change his mind but it was becoming apparent that signing these papers was inevitable.
I was strong through the entire process until we got to the last page. The last signature. As I put my pen to the paper, the tears welled up in my eyes, the burning in my stomach began and then I lost it. He was standing across me on the other side of the counter. I just stared at him after I signed it. He stared back at me. If he read the story behind my eyes then he saw how much I still loved him yet there was only silence standing between us.
All the good things that happened, since the first time we laid eyes on each other, flashed through my mind. Our first kiss. His first love letter to me. Our first date. The first time we made love. The first time he said I love you. The nights we dreamed together about marriage and kids. The day he proposed marriage. The times he was there when I was in court helping to prosecute the man who raped me. The day we got married. Our first place together. Our wild dates as husband and wife. ALL.THE.LOVE.
The flood of emotion was overwhelming and I'm sure he was flashing through a wealth of memories as well. I was so sad in that moment. I wanted to tear up all the junk I just signed but he had to be the one to do it. The alternative ending had to be his choice. We just stared at each other through all of the flashbacks. And I knew. I knew that this TRULY was our ending. There would be no alternative.
I put the paperwork back in the envelope that it came in and I walked up to him. We hugged. I put my head on his chest, as I've always done. Tears streaming down both of our faces. His arms around me in a loving embrace. He tried to kiss me but I turned my head. (Where did he get the nuts to even try?)
"I'll ALWAYS love you," he said. "We'll always be friends."
Then we let go of each other and he walked out the door. That was the last time I seen that man.
Here I am, nearly two and a half years later and those events still bring tears to my eyes. I don't regret having had to experience those "crippled cells" because it makes me who I am today. I do, however, hold him responsible for stealing my ability to love with COMPLETE ABANDON.
Friday, August 05, 2005
I was 20... and had all kinds of problems in my life.
Five Years Ago
I was in a marriage that was failing fast.
One Year Ago
I was battling the U.S. Army for my husbands life.
I turned thirty... and really it's just another day.
Today is going to be a good day... even though I woke up feeling like there's a demon in my belly... I musta ate something bad yesterday... actually I know I did. But it's going to be a productive day. I just know it.
I hope to be hanging out at the beach all day long.
Five Snacks I Enjoy
1. low-sodium sunflower seeds
3. soy chips
Five Bands I Know All The Words To Their Music
1. bob marley and the wailers
2. new edition
and that's all i can think of
Five Things I Would Do With $1,000,000
invest, invest, invest, invest and invest
Five Lodations I Would Like To Run Away To
MALTA... going there in february
Five Bad Habits
1. over critical of my husband
2. over critical of my mother
Five Things I Like Doing
2. meeting folks
3. playing pictionary or ANY games with my family
Five TV Shows I Like
1. thats so raven
2. cosby show
3. judge mathis
4. judge judy
5. peoples court
Five Famous People I'd Like To Meet
i'm not really big on celebrities... they come, they go. they have no significant role in my life.
Five Biggest Joys At This Moment
2. my nieces and nephews, of course
3. financial knowledge
Five Favorite Toys
1. my laptop
2. my desktop
3. my brothers
4. one of those punchie balloons that you win at a fair
5. microsoft access... i'm learning it
Monday, August 01, 2005
Heart : Broken
It was his 39th birthday. I was overwhelmed with a strange feeling in that moment between sleep and consciousness. It wasn't a bad premonition. I just knew that a CHANGE was coming.
He nudged me. I greeted him, "Happy Birthday Baby." He said thank you and told me that he was taking a drive to the store for a cup of coffee. I fell back asleep. When I awoke he was sitting on a chair next to the bed staring at me.
"What's wrong baby?"
He replied, "I'm going back to New Mexico."
I paused and gave him a strange look. My mind was not exactly processing the information he just disclosed.
"Well, what do you mean you're going back to New Mexico? Am I going with you?"
"No," he said, "I'm leaving."
"What do you mean you're leaving? You're leaving me again? Are we getting a divorce?"
That I even let him DICTATE that we're getting a divorce irritates me two and a half years later.... when really... I should have left him ages ago. I just kept letting him walk all over me. **sigh**
"I guess. I can't stay here anymore. I can't pretend that I'm happy. I'm not happy." That's what he told me! We had been trying to hammer out our issues for two months prior to this eventful day after having been seperated for two years.
"Is there another woman?" You know that is EVERY woman's first question!
"No," he said, "I'm just not happy and I haven't been happy for a very long time."
The conversation continued on in the same manner. The end result was me crying.
It was his birthday and I had this beautiful day planned out. That was obviously not going to happen. I still hadn't processed the weight of his words though I was in tears.
I dried my eyes, got off the bed and told him, "Get ready. Let's go do something. It's your birthday." Yep, that's me in DENIAL.
He gets in the shower. I immediately get on the phone and call my "sister", Ree. I call a male friend, Nate. Then I call my mother. I cry and tell them the news.
Anyway, we end up at Dave & Busters. In the perfect birthday I had planned for him, we were supposed to end our day there. So the joint opens at 11 in the morning. It wasn't even noon yet and we go directly to the place. I slide him a $50 because I didn't know if he had money or not and it was his birthday. I had been supporting us for the last two months. Forking over the money wasn't anything new.
The full load on my shoulders was beginning to bare its weight and I headed straigt for the bar. I get a drink, sit at the bar and just start CRYING. The bartender DID not know what to make of me so he left me in my tears. I was finally feeling my aching heart. I finally felt the dagger that was attempting to stop my heart from beating.
I get up to find the man that is breaking my heart. He's seated at a shooting game. I pull up a stool next to him. I knew this was it. I knew that he was serious about the divorce and the logistics of what is about to occur is sinking in. The man that I loved with complete abandon did not love me anymore and he wanted out of this marriage contract and I was kindly obliging him and I knew that I, too, was DONE!
After a couple of hours, we leave. I'm completely BUZZED and the devil inside me was rearing its ugly head. We're driving back to my apartment. It is MINE now that he's leaving me... AGAIN. The conversation on the way to my place was along the lines of: are you sure you wanna do this? He was sure and I can't argue with him anymore. I was tired of fighting just for him to love me.
We get back to my place. "So what do you wanna do? Do you want me to leave and you stay while you get it together OR what?" Here's another irritating look into the past... that I even cared where he laid his head.
"NO! I'll leave. Imma stay with some friends," he replied.
I was fuming and I was so angry at him for even coming back to me for these two months. He collected some clothes, packed his blue Nike gym bag and walked out my door. Thats one of the last visions I have of him. Then I cried and I cried and I cried. My eyes were swollen. My heart broken. Then I got angry. Everything that reminded me of our relationship was destroyed. DESTROYED. DESTROYED! DESTROYED.
My need to purge has been satisfied. I will continue the rest of my Heart : Broken story tomorrow. Come on back and read it, yall.
The continuation.... Crippled Cells!