Showing posts with label missing her. Show all posts
Showing posts with label missing her. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Happy Birthday Mom

If my mother were still alive, she would have been 64 today but she only lived to be 63.

If my mother were still alive, I would have asked her to recount every single year of her life. "What was it like to grow up in Samoa?"
"Mom, tell me what it was like to lose your father at a young age. I can't imagine having lost mine."
"Who were your friends and what did you do for fun?"
"Mom, tell me what it was like to wash clothes in the stream or ride horse back along the beach."
"Mom, tell me what it was like to dig for clams for dinner and walk several miles to the plantation."
"What was it like, Mom, to use an outhouse."
"Tell me Mom, what was it like to be you?"

If my mother were still alive, I would have spent this entire past year learning how to crochet. She had been trying to teach me it all of my life.
"Sorry Mom!"

If my mother were still alive, I would have been so proud to show her my gardening techniques and my recycling techniques... all the things that she was so famous for.

If my mother were still alive, I would have taken her to the graveyard to clean Great-Gramma's grave and Aunty Anapogi's grave. She always wanted to go but I was always too busy doing something else. I find myself at the graveyard often... wishing I could hear her voice just one more time.

If my mother were still alive, I would hug her every day. I would tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am that she's my mother.

If my mother were still alive...

If only my mother were still alive...


Sunday, January 08, 2012

Thinking Ever Thinking

So much of my time is spent contemplating the world and my existence in it. What is my great contribution to the world and the people around me? I remember someone saying, in an address to young people, that we should attempt to write our own eulogy so as to know how to pattern our lives.

I think of my mother whom I lost in June of 2011. I can only remember all the good things about her. I bless the day she birthed me because in that day she wished God's choicest blessings upon me. I think of her now in heavenly splendor. Perfect. Having truly given all that she could to ensure that I were a benefit to the world.... that I were a bright light in the darkness.

What will be said of me in death?

Am I, figuratively speaking, a light in the darkness of night?

I raise these questions now as I am moving ever closer to the ending of my studies toward my Bachelors of Arts degree in Philosophy. I am in the 400 level courses and find myself contemplating what I have learned in terms of philosophy. Probably what I love most is that I have studied all types of thought processes. Each discussion seeks to answer one supreme question: WHO.AM.I?

WHO ARE YOU?

i am

i am a

i am a wife

a daughter
a sister
an aunt
a cousin
a good friend

i am you.
i am me.
i am the universe.

* * * * * * * * * *


Photo Credit

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thoughts of Her

The thought of my mother pops into my head on many occasions. It will be in random moments when her memory is least expected.

In a sea of Red at a Kahuku High School football game

While playing sudoku on my phone

Looking at a Facebook picture that I uploaded several weeks ago that my father commented on saying, "No one mourns her loss more than me."

Looking at an unkempt yard

Looking at an immaculate kitchen or a spotless living room

I miss her.

I miss her everyday and it seems like I miss her more as time passes.

Things that she's taught me seems to make complete sense now. While she was here, I seemed to fight against her wisdom and logic.

She lives on in me in a way that I thought I would never appreciate. All her countless hours of tireless, patient teaching has affected me so profoundly.

These past few days, I've been fighting a cold. When I was at my worse, I instantly thought of the many times my mother bathed and nurtured me as a child. No doubt, I took her for granted while she was here on the earth. For that, I regret every moment I spent fighting against her wisdom.

And yet, it is in our disagreements that I have come to continually discover "ME".

My mother is one of my greatest teachers and I look forward to reuniting with her.... I know when I do see her again, it will be like no time at all had passed.

Please grant me the endurance to get through this lifetime relatively quickly and full of lasting memories as I journey toward my next lifetime... ever searching to meet with HER again.



Monday, October 17, 2011

Missing Her So Much

I miss my momz...

...but I just realized how hard this must be for my father. As I try to sort out my own feelings, I haven't been able to see past my own nose. Today, I sat with my father and tried to express to him how hard it has been for me to process the loss of my mother combined with the distraction of two cousins that never left since their arrival prior to my mother's funeral.

He said one sentence that just broke my heart: "I wish I could be wherever she is."

I wish I could be with her too....

I can't wait to see her again.

I can't believe how hard this has been.