Connected Preparation

I am aging.
You are aging.
We are all aging and there's one guarantee in life - we are all going to die eventually.

The older I get, the more it becomes a reality and that my youthful thoughts of living forever young are fading. I still feel young but I know that I'm no spring chicken. I still feel the invincibility of youth but the reality is that Father Time is ticking away.

I cherish all the connections I have made in my lifetime with friends and family. At some point, our friends play a larger role in our lives because we actually get to pick our friends. Whereas, we don't really have a choice with our family.

So, moving forward, I know I need to reach out to my friends and family more often. I need to make it a point to call for no other reason than to say hello and connect. There are very few that I trust to share the intimate details of my life for fear of judgement. I don't really care to hear EVERYONE's opinion on my life. And yet my life is an open book if you ask me the right questions. (I don't volunteer just any kind of information.)

Being connected and feeling connected is an important component in my life. Even with the thousands of miles between my immediate family and I, I still feel so connected to them and involved in their comings and goings. My nieces and nephews are my heart and my soul and I believe that connection that I have with them is because of my deep, unconditional love for them. Perhaps I can incorporate that unconditional love approach to all of the people I am connected to you.

I don't know.

What I do know is that we all need to get connected -- to our friends and family, to our innermost desires, and to what is most authentic to us.

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4th Thursday in November

I was absolutely EXHAUSTED from my drive up from South Carolina to Maryland. No time to do my regular video podcast. This is what I came up with. 

What Do You Believe

VIDEO: What Do You Believe?

When someone asks me, "What do you believe?"
It usually follows a discussion on something wildly controversial.

Do you believe in ALIENS?

Do you think there are mysteries behind the symbols on the U.S. currency?

Was there a place called ATLANTIS?

Do you think there are real PSYCHICS?

Is there one God or many different GODS?

Does the Bermuda Triangle exist?

Do you believe in REINCARNATION?

Is karma real?       Do you believe in ghosts?

Is it possible to bend time and space?

I'm sure you get the picture... the list of questions could go on and on. What I can say about MY BELIEFS is that it is so very open to possibility. All things are possible! What we experience in this earthly existence is but a small fraction in comparison to the mysteries of the universe. I have a magnet on the refrigerator that simply states: BELIEVE. This truly is the basis of all knowledge. You must BELIEVE!

At the foundation of My Belief System is that positive forces have one source -- God. Anything else is the absence of God. I would like to always be on the positive end of the spectrum... distributing light, love, knowlege, and truth.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Though I'd like to say that I live for the here and now.... what would probably be more accurate is that I'm excited about what happens next. What happens when my physical body ceases to exist? As I age and progress in my earthly development, what will happen when my heart stops beating and my brain stops working? We have all experienced the loss of a loved one. I love imagining reuniting with each and every one of them. Oh how I miss my grandmothers. (I have never known any of my grandfathers, they all died when my parents were children.) I miss my cousin Jason who was like a lightbulb inside a dark room. His charisma was infectious. I miss my dear, departed friend Michele (pronounced Me-sha-lay). Her humour is what I miss in my day-to-day. My Belief System includes the possibility, the ability, the reality that I will meet them again.

COMPASSION
My intention, in dealing with people, animals, the earth, nature, etc. is to feel total compassion. Can I hurt any of these things if I feel compassion for him/her/it? Compassion can be equated with pure-love-energy. It sounds whacky but it actually goes back to a more ancient way of thinking.... a very Eastern philosophy of caring for nature and loving all living things. All of Asia (including India) practice reverence for nature. Native American tribes, Polynesian's, Hindu's, etc. All honor the bounty of the earth and express gratitude for the abundance of resources available to man. I think it is beautiful and is so much a part of who I am. This world is so beautiful. The least I can do is help to care for it the way I would like to be cared for. To love humanity and each individual soul. We are all children of our Creator!

CREATED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE "LIGHT"
I believe that we are all here to do magnificent things. We are an extension of God and should rise to meet the expectation. It's tough to have such a lofty BELIEF SYSTEM and fall short of it on the daily. However, I want my expectations to be something I must strive for rather than something that comes with ease. I am reminded of the story about the butterfly in the cocoon. The butterfly receives strength in its wings by pushing against the cocoon and attempting to break through it. A person observing this may slit open the cocoon to assist the butterfly but this act would, in fact, cripple the butterfly and render its wings useless. We are all created to do significant things that will contribute to the "light",  to the positivity in the universe.

In reading over what free-flowed from my mind, to my fingertips, through the keyboard. My conscious mind is in agreement. These are my basic beliefs (along with what I said on my video):
~God is the founder of positive vibes.
~I live to prepare for the next life. ("Prepare to meet God")
~Compassion/ Unconditional Love for all of God's creations is something I would like to practice in all my actions.
~We are born to testify of God by contributing to the "light" in the universe.

What do you believe?

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Atlantis Photo Credit
Cosmos Photo Credit

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Two Relationship Questions

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3 Things -- Fighting for Love

VIDEO: 3 Things -- Fighting for LOVE

I carefully selected what I would say in this video so as not to ramble on and on. However, I do believe there is room for discussion and further exploration into each point. I have several examples from my own life that prompted this idea of "fighting for LOVE." It seems as if the entire theme of my life has been about finding romantic love and yet what I have come to realize is that all along I was searching for the courage to love myself - the good, the bad, the ugly, and most of all the beautiful.

DON'T GIVE UP
I had a fantastic childhood. Our family unit was whole and in tact. I grew up with both parents in the home and they loved each other and loved us. My parents were so active in my every part of my life. I can't imagine not having that. They are my example of what marriage and love is supposed to be like. So when I talk about fighting for love, I see my parents who stayed together through thick and thin. When I commit, I do not take my vows lightly. I'm not going to leave or give up just because things get hard.


NO EXPECTATIONS
Have no expectations and you will never be disappointed. We all have needs and for most of us, we have this large expectation of how he or she should behave. He needs to show me more affection. He needs to buy me large gifts. He needs to make "x" amount of money. He needs to drive a certain type of car. Blah blah blah. All the materialistic things can be lost in a heartbeat. They can also be acquired in a heartbeat. But it's not your partner's "job" to give you all these things especially when you're more than capable of getting them yourself. All of the emotion and love that you require are already in you. It's not your partner's job to pull it out and if you're waiting for that then you have a lot of your own healing to do. Realize that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Any one that you commit to or have committed to is a bonus because you are already whole and complete.


SELFLESS LOVE
Giving of your love ties in to having "no expectations." When we approach a relationship from a place of service, it changes our partner's reaction. It is not a manipulation. It shouldn't be. I don't give to get. I serve him as a token of my sincere affection. I don't give him a massage because I want one. I don't cook a meal in the hopes that he will do something for me. I do these things to demonstrate that I adore him and it comes from a genuine place in my soul. I have no attachment to the outcome. I give you this, whatever "this" is, and I have no expectation of your reaction to it. You can love it or hate it but I am not going to be attached to how you receive it.

Example: My current beau loves shrimp. When we get together we eat seafood. I made shrimp for him twice. Both times they were sauteed in butter and garlic and hot sauce. He is not a butter person. He likes his shrimp boiled and both times I forgot that key information. He ate it both times, which was selfless on his part because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Of course my feelings would not have been hurt because I am not attached to how he receives it but he didn't know that. From both perspectives, his and mine, we were giving selflessly. Me taking the time to make the shrimp. He accepting the gift even though he knew the butter would make him sick. Make sense?

CHALLENGE
Do something this week for your mate, spouse, partner, friend WITHOUT expecting a specific reaction. Tell me how it goes.

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3 Things: A Star Is Born

VIDEO: 3 Things - A Star Is Born
Ok. Who wants to take me to see this movie... again? 
I don't know what creates sparks between two people but I am aware enough to know that it doesn't happen with everyone, both romantically and with new friends you meet. I absolutely love that magic that happens with new love. Remembering new love fuels everything in the relationship that follows. 
The magic that happened between my current beau and I continues to push us forward. He calls it love at first sight. He said he knew there was something magical between us the minute he laid his eyes on me. And I have to concur. You can't even make up the circumstances behind our meeting. When it's time for love to walk in, it's time. 
I have never been shy about love. My heart is wide open. I don't stop myself from feeling. Does that make sense? Some people who have been hurt in the past tend to cut off their feelings. I'm not one of those. If I feel love, I move with it even against all logic. I know how to follow my heart like that. And now, more than I ever have in the past, I know how to stand on my own two feet and not worry about what people around me think about my life choices. No one has to understand me or my choices. I am the only one that has to understand it. 

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Goodbye Dear Friend

I heard some heartbreaking news this morning. A death of a dear friend from my high school and college years. It has me feeling some kind of way. Though I don't have all the details, the word is that he died of a heart attack. News spreads like wildfire with social media. Death from heart attacks are so sudden. You can't prepare to let go like you do with a cancer patient or any other terminal illness. With sudden deaths, you just have to let go.

We had two nicknames for each other. The first one was Blue Zebra because it was a club on Restaurant Row in Honolulu. I was with him the first time he went. There was a whole bunch of us that went together. He was fresh off a 2-year LDS mission and so brand new to the club scene. Me? I had been using my cousin's ID to get into clubs since I had turned 17. Anyway, as we walked into the club, I wanted to go to the bar side to drink. He was like, "Can you just stay here and dance?" I rolled my eyes at him and told him that there were all our other friends that he could dance with. He seemed content with that answer and I made my way to the bar. After that night, we called each other Blue Zebra. He said I was too much and I told him that he hadn't seen anything yet.

The second nickname we called each other was french fry.  And people would ask the question, "Why do we call each other French Fry?" and I would relate this story. It all started in our Macro Economics course in College. The teacher asked for a product so that we could break down all the costs associated with it. Of course, I picked french fry because it WAS and still is one of my favorite foods. Especially the crinkle cut fries. Anyway. he couldn't stop laughing at my answer -- FRENCH FRY. We spent the rest of the class listening to the teacher break down the french fry from potato spuds to distribution to McDonalds and other fast food chains. We always laughed about it when we saw each other. No one ever thought this story was particularly funny or that the french fry was funny. Who cares though? We thought it was funny.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. We get caught up in all the little details of life instead of living in the moment and in the here and now. Death has a way of reminding me about the things that really truly matter. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I will not be a prisoner of my fears. Some of my closest friends have the harshest judgments on my life and how I choose to move about in the world. And I will not be a prisoner of their judgments anymore. I will not fear the unknown or the mysteriousness of my future. There is no more time to live in fear. For right now, there is only LIFE. LIFE and LOVE. Sweet love.

I bid farewell to a dear friend. I can't believe he left in this way but I honor his light and his life. The world is a little dimmer but we will move forward and remember to hold our loved ones a little closer.

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Falling In Love, etc.

VIDEO: Three Relationship Questions

Nature never moves in straight lines but basic human logic does. Nature creates perfect order from chaos. Human logic creates chaos from order. ~Bob Proctor

Falling in Love doesn't make sense. In my life, it never has. The chaos of falling truly, madly, deeply in love with someone always takes my breath away. I don't see all the incongruent parts that could make us fall to pieces. All I ever see is all the things that could make it work. I only see his good parts. I don't look at his past to indicate what type of future he might give me. I live in the moment. To everyone around me, this makes me foolish but I have never cared what outsiders think of my choice in who I love.

When my ex and I parted ways, for over a year all I could talk about was how I did not want to put in any time getting to know someone new. I would rather get together with an ex than try to learn someone else. That mindset has changed. What would it look like for me to go back to an ex? Like I didn't learn from the first failure? There's just too many possibilities in the world to think that going to an ex is the best route for me. I'm not saying that I couldn't or wouldn't go back to an ex. I'm saying that that is not my only option for finding a fulfilling relationship.

Long relationships and marriages go through funky periods of time when nothing seems right, everything seems wrong, and the only thing that makes sense is to leave. I don't know how to leave. I am just not that type of girl. So even if my relationship may fall into a funk, I revert back to that crazy, chaotic moment when I fell in love.... that moment when my heart chose him (whoever 'him' is). That initial magic will always make me melt and thinking of it will always bring me right back to being in love even in the midst of the worst funk. I wish that my former partners had the same resolve but they didn't and I'm not looking back anymore. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.
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I can't answer any of the questions that I posed on the video and I'm curious as hell to see how people respond.

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3 Things I Learned From My Parent's Marriage

I did not forget about my Wednesday podcast. I just couldn't post because at the last minute, I decided to hit the road. Hurricane Florence is on its way to South Carolina so I had to leave Dodge. I find myself in Maryland again. I didn't feel like weathering the hurricane by myself so instead of buying all the food and emergency supplies, I am spending that money on gas to get out of town. Bye SC. See you soon.

Video Podcast Episode 10: Push Away From The Harbor

Video Podcast #10: Extending Beyond Your Boundaries

I briefly mention the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho in today's video. It is a short read and very thought-provoking. The book is a work of fiction and the story serves as a parable. The message will only be received by those who are ready to receive it. The summary of the book on the back cover of the paperback version of the book describes it best. I hope it's enough to tempt you to read it. I think the book is about a 3 to 4 hour read. Put in the time and feed your mind and your imagination.

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Back Cover of THE ALCHEMIST by Paulo Coelho

"To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation."

Paulo Coelho's enchanting novel has inspired a devoted following around the world. This story, dazzling in its simplicity and wisdom, is about an Andalusian shepherd boy named Santiago who travels from his homeland in Spain to the Egyptian desert in search of a treasure buried in the Pyramids. Along the way he meets a Gypsy woman, a man who calls himself king, and an Alchemist, all of whom point Santiago in the direction of his quest. No one knows what the treasure is, or if Santiago will be able to surmount the obstacles along the way. But what starts out as a journey to find worldly goods turns into a meditation on the treasures found within. Lush, evocative, and deeply humane, the story of Santiago is an eternal testament to the transforming power of our dreams and the importance of listening to our hearts.

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Video Podcast Episode 9: Geisha, Sex, Embarrassing Moment

VIDEO: Geisha, Sex, Embarrassing Moment


This is the second time I posted on Instagram and Facebook, what topic should my next video podcast be?

Everybody has jokes and all sorts of silly topics. My male fans... SMH. Naughty, naughty, naughty! So I narrowed down all the topics to the stuff that are Rated PG-13. I can't say that I will always stay at PG-13 because I do love trashy talk every now and again. So, who knows what the content of future Video Podcasts will be?

Sex is such a touchy subject for a lot of people. I don't know why that is. It is as natural as breathing. Me? It is a necessity. With my raging hormones, I feel like how the media portrays young teenage boys -- I want IT all the time! Oh my how I expose myself so publicly on my blog. I am an open book.

I didn't get the "birds and the bees talk" from my parents. My grandmother (mom's mom) actually said something to me when I was 12. I was getting ready to go to a dance. My mother didn't know it was a dance. I told her it was a talent show in town and that someone's mother was taking us down there and would bring us back home. Before I left the house, my grandmother gave me a whole talk about a cowry shell and how I need to protect it. I had no idea what she was talking about. None. It was like the scene in The Color Purple where Shug Avery is asking Miss Celie if she ever looked at her lady parts. I did not know what my lady parts looked like so I did not make the connection to the cowry shell.

I don't know why my mother's generation is so afraid to talk about sex or to explain the mechanics of it. I think I would have made better choices if my mother was open and honest with me about all of it. Instead, she just left me to find it all out on my own. The one talk that we did have was about how I shouldn't sleep with a boy because my virginity is something I should gift my husband on our wedding night. That was unrealistic to me because I did not even know what happened with sex. The movies and soap operas made it seem like you get in bed naked, you kiss and roll around under the sheets and that's it. So, I did not know the mechanics.

Needless to say, I certainly understand the mechanics now. And sex, as I said, is as natural as breathing.

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Video Podcast Episode 8: Foot Binding and the Measure of Beauty

VIDEO: What is the Measure of Beauty
Naina Marie Makevp YouTube Channel (my niece)

I enjoyed reading two books by Lisa See. Lisa See looks Caucasian, which she is, but she is very proud of her Chinese heritage that has all been washed from her physical features. I stumbled upon her writing when I borrowed Shanghai Girls from the Kahuku Public Library several years ago.

SHAMELESS PLUG for public libraries. I cannot imagine a world without access to the mountains of information that are in the public libraries. In the State of Hawaii, there are public libraries everywhere. Thanks to the internet, you can search the state's library database from home, request material from other libraries to be sent to whatever library in the State that you'd like to pick it up at, and also reserve material or computer time. All of this can be done without leaving home. Trust me, I put it to very good use! You can also download ebooks and audio books to an app that allows you to read or listen to your book. Awesome!!

ShangHai Girls forced me to observe Chinese culture from the present day. In recent years, I try not to attach a judgement to my observation. For instance, an ancient practice in China is foot binding. I look down at my extremely wide, almost flat feet, and try to imagine these 11W's being only 3 inches long. Out of curiosity I just measured my left foot. The results: 4 inches at its widest and just over 10 inches long. My foot is wider than the length of what was considered a beautiful foot in China. Is it right? Wrong? Good? Bad? I am just an observer. Foot binding might sound strange to the present day observer but is it any stranger than women paying to have their face injected with botulin (poision) to remove wrinkles temporarily? Is foot binding more strange than implanting saline pouches to make body parts larger or more prominent? Is foot binding more strange than cutting a portion of the stomach out so that a patient is forced to eat less? Beauty certainly is dictated by society.

I traveled to Malta in 2006 and went on a tour of Gozo. On our way to the ferry that would take us across the harbor to the island of Gozo, the tour guide talked about the history of Gozo. She informed us that the island was filled with monolithic depictions of large women. Apparently, the measure of beauty for people of Malta and Gozo in centuries-past was a large woman. She represented fertility and beauty and ultimate femininity. As soon as we returned from Gozo, I went to a Maltese bookstore and purchased a book on the large female statues of Gozo. I still have that book and it looks fairly new because I have only thumbed through it once. I must preserve the book! It was the only one I could find that was in English.

ShangHai Girls mentions foot binding in passing but the second Lisa See book that I read, Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, goes into detail. If you have never seen what bound feet look like, please google it. I can barely stomach the sight of them. I imagine the significance of food binding, from a man's perspective, being symbolic of the loyalty of a woman to her husband. It must be very comfortable for a man to know that no matter how abusive or misogynistic he may be, his wife will never leave his side. Even if he were to take on concubines, in Chinese culture as I understand it, a woman's worth is intrinsically tied to her value to her husband.

Both books deserve a proper review of their own but who has the time? ShangHai Girls explores the life of two Chinese women and their experience of being forced to leave Shang Hai for America in an age of war. Cultural protocol is emphasized throughout; from behavioral expectations to the memory of the ancestors. Some of the practices may seem burdensome but not more than what some of us practice in our own cultures today. In Snow Flower, the book emphasizes class distinction and marriage as the tool to boost a woman's value. However, the true significance of the book is its presentation of a language created by women and only for women; a secret language! This is not pig-latin but an actual living language steeped in poetry and symbolism called nu shu.

The overwhelming feeling in both novels is very heavy and burdensome. I'm not sure if that is what the author means to portray. I assume that the measure for Chinese-American literature would be Amy Tan, author of The Joy Luck Club (made into a movie) and The Hundred Secret Senses. If you recall from Amy Tan's work, the relationship and protocol between male and female, mother and daughter, mother and son, are all very distinct and carefully tended to. The same is true in Lisa See's books. One gets the sense that this must be a token of Chinese culture - the heavy gloom and sadness associated with being a woman, forced to do hard things and make hard choices. The mood of female Chinese-American literature is one of eventual triumph over the hard facts of life. ShangHai Girls and Snow Flower do not disappoint. If anything, Lisa See's work is a definite reminder for women to be grateful that they can choose not to bind their feet (high heels). **giggles** A woman in modern America can choose her spouse, choose where she will live, choose the destiny of her life in open attempt (not in secrecy). And so today - today I am grateful to be me.

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Video Podcast : Episode 7 : Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

VIDEO: Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

I was so inspired by a YouTube video featuring Lisa Nichols where she talked about her rise to living her dream.

In my evolution, I am hungry to change the circumstances of my life. I am increasingly aware that if I want a different result then I need to do something different in every moment. My vision board is a bunch of post-its on my wall. The post-its have due dates, specific scenarios, meeting and speaking with certain people, and bank balances that I will manifest. In all my 43 years, I have attempted the typical collage-style vision board with pictures and that just didn't work for me. I love my post-its and I love my handwriting. I have excellent penmanship and there's just a connection between my mind and the actual writing of the vision of my life. Every day I want to add more.

As I make this transition, I realize that I have a lot of hang-ups and emotional things that have held me back for so long. Leaving Hawai'i and my old job was one of the ways I let go of things that are not authentically me anymore. So often we let life move us along. I was so used to reacting to things instead of being actively engaged in choosing the life I want to live. That's not me anymore.

A little over a year ago, I was melting down. I was riding in the car with my older brother telling him how trapped I felt. It was like my divorce had begun to peel away layers of my life that no longer served me. At that time, I had just watched that Steve Harvey clip where he talks about taking risks and doing the thing you love doing. My brother is driving and I am crying my eyes out talking about how my life is not what I had envisioned for myself. The future seemed bleak if I continued on the path that I was on - trapped by a job that forced me to comply with their strict code of conduct and my heart so weathered and broken. I was doing the ugly cry and my brother said, "Then jump! It's time to jump!" He set my mind at ease by addressing all of my concerns that were holding me back. In that moment, I decided to JUMP. 

Deciding to JUMP was the easy part. Undoing all the years of negative self-talk has proved to be the real challenge. I am a positive person to everyone else but myself. I can talk someone up and shiny them up for the world but I have a difficult time in talking myself up. Every day I make a conscious effort to say, 

"I can do this." 

"I got this." 

"I am brave and courageous." 

"I am talented." 

"I am loved."

Whether it's social or cultural conditioning that has made me only focus on the things that I'm not so good at, I want to end that practice now. I am going to celebrate all of the good things about me and walk in my most perfect truth. You should too. When we are sure of who we are, nothing anyone says matters. You take that power back from whoever or whatever you gave it to. Own your life decisions and actively engage in creating the life you want.

I don't care anymore about the criticisms of small-minded people. And some of my closest friends clown my attempt to change the circumstances of my life. I really don't need that type of negativity in my life so I keep my distance. I want to be surrounded by people who have achieved the things that I want to achieve. I want to be surrounded by people who are cheering me on and assisting me on my rise.

The morning I let go of the guilt surrounding my shortcomings as a daughter. If you watched the video, this will make sense to you.

Video Podcast 6 : My BFF Speaks

I am here to share the collective story of humanity. Every single person we meet and greet has a story that defines them.

I spent my birthday weekend with my BFF in Maryland and thought it was a perfect opportunity to get her in front of my camera to tell her story. People are so interesting. Life experiences shape us and mold us into who we are in every moment. I know her very well - her hurts, her trials, her childhood, her broken hearts, her joys, her triumphs. I know how far she's come and the hurdles she's overcome to get to where she is. It is no small feat. We have all traveled tough roads. The way we overcome the trials and elevate ourselves is to be celebrated. 

I will always see the best in people, at least I will always strive for that. When I hear someone's story, even if it's painful, I see how it has changed them and made them better. Even my own story of my life is fraught with broken hearts and yet, everyday I want to love and be loved. A broken heart will never stop me from giving love. And the energy that comes when you meet someone special cannot be manufactured. It's either there or it's not. 

I am, without apology, a hopeless romantic. 

I believe that everything is beautiful and everything has purpose. 

I believe that people are good.

I believe that everyone is capable of doing everything their heart desires.

I believe that the hurt we experience pushes us to be better and more compassionate.

I believe that love is every human soul's deepest desire.

I believe that love will find me again. Whole and complete.

And though I miss the loves that have left my life, I anticipate the beauty of the love that waits for me, that is searching for me too. The most beautiful sentiment I received on my birthday was posted on my FaceBook page.

"Happiest Birthday to this Tender Roni! 

You have taught all of us who know your heart 

how to be fearless in love."

Tender Roni was my "thing" in high school. I was a Bobby Brown fan and I used to say, "My name is Roni, Bobby's heart belongs to me." I would write it all over my school books and all my doodling from high school. But her perception of me... that I am teaching people to be fearless in LOVE. That's me! All day! 

I cannot say if my current love interest will break my heart tomorrow or in 13 years (like my ex did) but I am fearless. I am not afraid of the broken heart that may come in the future because I am going to cherish every single moment for as long as he will be mine. And I will not stop my heart from feeling the way that it does because he might break it in the future. No. I choose happiness now, without fear, without apology. And if this happiness extends into forever then so be it. Whatever troubles may come our way, I am fearless and I will stand by him through every storm and every joy. Love is!

Video Podcast Episode 5: Random Topics

VIDEO: Random Topics - Bullying, LDS Religion, Being Authentic

Asking the question, "What should my topic be on my next video?" resulted in random topics that were fun to sit and read. I think I might do this more often. It's fun to see what people want to hear about.

One of the topics I cover is bullying. I can only apologize to the people I may have terrorized as a child. I wish I could take back all that ugliness. I own up to it and I wish to say sorry to anyone who has felt intimidated or bullied by me. I have moved forward in life by vowing to never be that mean girl again. I consciously make an effort to be kind to everyone I meet. That is no small feat because I do admit that I have some prejudices. This is not something I am proud of but I do admit that I have these weaknesses.

Finding my way to being my most authentic has taken my whole life. I feel MORE me now than I have ever felt in a very long time. So often people struggle with who they feel they are inside and the person that their family wants them to be. I love my childhood and how my parents raised me and I have never wanted to disappoint them however, I find that being my most genuine means breaking away from the structure of my childhood.

I present this quote by Immanuel Kant from his writings in Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysics of Morals:

To secure one's own happiness is a duty. 

If you happen to find yourself reading the entire text that comes after that quote, it really is an analysis on how people choose happiness and the things they trade/sacrifice for said happiness. The text gives an example of a "gouty patient" who sacrifices his health for the temporary happiness of indulging his appetite. The general desire for happiness influenced his will. Some make certain choices out of a sense of duty. Example - my choice to attempt to live the life of a devout LDS woman was more out of a sense of loyalty to my mother and the way she raised me. At the end of my life, had I continued down that path, could I have said that I had no regrets?


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Video Podcast Episode 4: Who Influenced You?

In my pursuit of living my biggest dream of writing full time, I want to pay homage to the teachers and books that have influenced me and fostered my love of reading and writing. Children that attended Hau'ula Elementary in the 80's will certainly recognize the two teachers that I mention.

Mr. Ho, who retired a couple of years ago, was my third grade teacher. My parents kept all my report cards from grade school and I laugh when I read them. Mr. Ho would say things like, "She's smart but has a bad attitude." "She wants to be the teacher." I can't help it. I have this natural curiosity, even back then, and was and still am verrrrry impatient. I am not proud of my behavior but there would be times when my impatience made me look like a know-it-all. Mr. Ho would ask a student to read out loud. It drove me crazy that he would NEVER pick me to read out loud. So when the chosen student would read out loud, and he or she would stumble over words, I would blurt out the sentence that they were having a difficult time reading. I can see now why Mr. Ho NEVER chose me. I was not the one that needed help. I was so eager to read through the sentences that were so simple for me not realizing that I was probably intimidating the student that was actually reading. Sorry.

Mr. Ho also had story time where the entire class would sit down on the floor. He would be seated on a chair, front and center. He would tell us ghost stories. The Man With the Golden Arm was a favorite. I knew how the story would end but the way he told it was always so surprising. It is a cherished memory from Mr. Ho's classroom.

In the 4th Grade, I had Ms. Elly Tepper. There are only a few teachers throughout my years that had the ability to make EVERY student feel special. She is one of them. Not only did she inspire my love for reading and writing but she really pushed me to love my culture. I don't believe she is a Pacific Islander but the way she embraced our music, dancing, and cultural practices made me love it more.  4th Grade at Hau'ula Elementary back in the 80's was the designated grade for learning Hawaiian History. The whole year was spent learning cultural practices of my Hawaiian ancestors and it culminated in a week-long, end-of-year trip to Hawai'i Island (where the volcano is). While there we visited ancient heiau (temples) and visit important historical places that we learned about throughout the year. We visited Pele (the fire goddess) at Kilauea. Ancient fish ponds. Summer palaces of the royalty before the kingdom was overthrown by greedy Americans. We danced hula in hotel lobbies and at schools. It was really a beautiful experience and I wish I had my journals from that time but those were lost in a flood.

When Ms. Tepper needed to calm the class down and get us to focus, or we were getting for a test, or we were about to meet an important guest in the classroom, or we were getting ready for a performance, or we were about to get off the bus on a field trip, she gave the most inspiring speeches. The emotion that she was able to pull from each and every student with her speeches will always stay with me. Even if your home life was horrible, when you entered Ms. Tepper's room you knew that she only saw us as little kings and queens. I cannot remember the words that she said but I certainly remember the feelings that she was able to evoke from me. She would walk around the room, between our desks, the heat of the day invading the classroom, and would remind us of our nobility. She was a big fan of the Hawaiian word, ha'aheo. It means proud, like how the mountains stand tall and proud. And she would use that word to remind us how to be. She would tell us to be dignified, proud, and remember always who we represent with our actions. I am a crybaby and there were times that my eyes were filled with tears from her pep talk. I don't ever remember being scolded. She was always firm and direct, not condescending at all. She is a bright light in the world of education in Hawai'i.

I hope that you sit back and contemplate the major influencers in what you are doing today. Maybe reach out to them and let them know the impact they made on your life. I looked up both Mr. Ho and Ms. Tepper and they are not on Social Media. But I am determined to find a way to reach out to them to let them know their impact on me. If you know them, send them a link to this blog post.

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Video Podcast Episode 2 : Sad Songs Say So Much: Grief and Acceptance

My "Sad Songs Say So Much" playlist on YouTube.

You can dig through my blog and find all types of posts about love and heartache. It's amazing how free I am with information about my life. I write to let go of the emotions and to sort through the issues. I share it here because someone might be able to hear something in my thoughts that might help them through it. One thing is certain, I am no relationship expert but I could possibly be a champion of overcoming heartache.

In the days following the announcement that my ex wanted a divorce, I had never felt such agony before or since. I will never forget specific moments where I thought I would just die. Everything was so uncertain. Was he serious about this or was this a temporary situation? What happens next? Do we continue to live together? Is he cheating? There were just endless questions. I felt so lost and alone even being surrounded by family and friends. There are times, even now, where I still feel all alone.

In the ugly of my break up, it was very difficult to start my day. I couldn't even see thirty minutes ahead of me. I didn't eat. I drank a lot to soothe me, to numb me, to avoid dealing with the present. I teetered between sadness and extreme rage. I wanted to break things. I wanted to punch and kick the rage out of me so I went to the gym a lot. That helped me get my appetite back as well as work through my rage issues. My friends wanted to hunt him down and destroy his truck. Some days I entertained the thought and we would ride with bats in the car and sugar for his gas tank. We never did do it. I could never knowingly destroy something like that. And besides, my name was still on his truck.

As you make your way through heartache or loss, DO NOT hold it in. You don't have to be strong. Take some time to be alone and grieve through it. Feel all of the emotion and move into acceptance. This is not an easy process but who you evolve into is entirely up to you.

I have learned so much through this process, more than I did from my first marriage and divorce. I have discovered so many things about myself. I acknowledge my flaws in the demise of my marriage. I own the things that I could have done better and vow to turn those weaknesses into strengths for the next man that shares my world. I have learned patience and to trust that whatever is ahead of me is for me. I feel my star rising, whatever that means... I feel it deeply. I have practiced forgiveness on several occasions in my life and this is one event that has forced me to put it into practice again. And I gladly do so because I do not want the ghosts of the past to haunt my tomorrows. I don't want to be bitter and angry because that is not who I am.

I still prepare to be enchanted by life and love and all the beautiful things in the universe. I know that love will find me again and when it does, it will be full and complete and blissful. This is what I want for you too, Dear Reader, that your heart will heal when you grieve and accept what IS.

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Video Podcast Episode 1 : How I Find Myself in South Carolina

Here's the link to the Deer Incident I talk about in the video.

I have this mantra that I always tell myself:
"Everything I want and need will fall into my lap without effort."

The way the pieces of my life have fallen into place in the present appear random but nothing is ever random. And everything I want comes to me without effort (that's what I tell myself). My move to South Carolina has been all about following the path of least resistance and turning a new leaf and moving in a direction that is not "resistant."

There's nothing like a life-changing event like divorce to make one reexamine life. I had it all. The house. The car. The handsome husband. And with my ex announcing that he wanted a divorce I lost everything that I had become so comfortable with. All of a sudden, all of that stuff wasn't so important anymore and I struggled everyday just to get out of bed. That's a story for another time that I will tell here on this blog and on my video podcast.

The shock of divorce rattled my life, shook it up, and pushed me to find out what will make me happy again. I thought to myself, if I could do anything in the world, what would it be? And this is how I find myself here in South Carolina... chasing my biggest dream to write full time, to be a media personality, to express my thoughts on any platform. I have a strong point of view and I am here to express it.

I Wanna Tell Our Story

The story I want to tell here and in my coming video podcasts will probably be the collective story of all of humanity.

Ups.
Down.
Sadness.
Joy.
Discovery.
Struggle.
Triumph.
Grief.
Happiness.
Fear.
Love.
Sweet Love.

We all share similar experiences. Our cultural traditions, our familial relationships, our upbringing, our religious and political affiliations uniquely colors our experiences so that we handle them differently. But at the core of the human condition, we share the same search for happiness and how to connect to the world outside of our experience.

Whenever I meet someone, I like to hear their story. Most people have a spiel already created in their mind. It's their go-to summary of who they are. Mine always starts with who my parents are. In Hawai'i, and probably in all Pacific Island groups, we search for our connection so that we can relate to each other and that starts with, "Who's your family and where are you from?" The theory of six degrees of separation is all too true in Polynesia. No matter where I find myself in the world, I will always know someone who knows someone who knows someone and we connect.

I am a Pacific Islander. My mother is Samoan/Swedish from Vaitoloa, Western Samoa and my father is Hawaiian/Chinese from Kaneohe, O'ahu, Hawai'i.

I reside in South Carolina right now. I moved here in November 2017, just over a year after a very seamless and quick divorce. My ex and I were together for 13 years before we called it quits. That certainly colors my life right now. That event has surely changed me and forces me to look at my life with new awareness. And I am here to tell that story; to talk about the lows and the triumphs of overcoming grief. Sometimes I wake up in tears. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Maybe it's loneliness and not knowing why my marriage fell apart and maybe it is the uncertainty of moving forward without my best friend. I truly considered my ex my best friend. The way we bounced ideas off each other and laughed and had good times. The way we worked so well as a team. The way we held each other up. These are things I think of when I miss him. I miss that connection. I miss that feeling of knowing that when I go home at night, someone is waiting for me. No matter how hard family and friends try to fill that void, it is not the same thing.

Here I am at the midpoint of my life forced to reinvent who I am. In the year from when my ex and I split to the moment I left the islands, I did a whole lot of soul searching. I continually analyzed the condition of my life. In my mind, I asked the following questions:
What will make me happy again?
How can I live my best life?
How can I change the circumstances of my life so that everything I do is intentional and not a reaction to outside forces?

So here we are. I am going to tell that story!

Adding Dimension to NeenaLove, Inc.

It's time for a change.

It's time for me to catch up to this wave of podcasting that has taken over the online community.

I will always be a writer. 

I will continue to communicate and convey my thoughts and feelings BEST in written format on this blog, in my journal, and it my written manuscripts.

However, it is time to include VLOGGING/Podcasting to my repertoire. 

I actually make this transition with excitement as I love cameras (maybe I can upgrade soon). And I love the sound of my voice. I have a deep, rich voice that sometimes gets mistaken for a man's voice. I remember pulling up at McDonalds once and the woman on the receiving end kept calling me "Sir." At first, I was annoyed but now I'm just used to it. Trust and Believe, I am ALL woman. 

I hope you will tune in to my vlog.

I have selected Wednesday as my regular release date every week.

It is very difficult for me to select just one topic because I am interested and curious about so many things. To nail down a topic and pick just one would be a tragedy in the making. So I am going to treat this like a really good conversation with my BFF and when she's in town, she will make an appearance on the vlog.

Most of the pivotal decisions in my life have happened after a great conversation with people in my inner circle. There's my father who has always dispensed the best advice and usually did it with very few words. Even though he can talk on and on about a variety of subjects, when it comes to causing a paradigm shift in my heart, he only need say a few words and I "get it." There's my older brother. He, too, is a man of very few words. And the words he chooses are always very impactful, just as my father. There's my baby brother who, consequently, is also a man of very few words. His age (he is so young) coupled with his millenial outlook on life always flips the script on me and I always sit back and laugh at his wisdom. There's my sister-in-law. She is like the definition of "plan ahead" and I always cherish her view on things because it's so different from my own. I am the 'fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants' girl. Spontaneous to a fault. I think of all of them as I start this journey into vlogging. 

I have dipped and dabbed, a little, with vlogging. Making videos is such a chore as it requires so much planning. Let's not talk about all the "bloopers" that also happen when filming one single video. I laugh at the many "takes" that I have to do to get it just right. I have not scripted any of the videos that I have made so far. I have a general idea of what I want to say then I go with it. When I look at the videos on my YouTube page that I have made so far, I cringe at the lighting. Almost all the videos look like I have bags under my eyes - thanks to the shadows and the contours on my face that cause the shadows. But I am who I am regardless of what I look like. Also - maybe I can get sophisticated lighting the deeper I get into this vlogging world.   

One thing that I absolutely love is hearing the stories of older people. For instance, every morning when I leave for work, there's an older gentleman that walks around the complex. When I run into him, he is sweaty and looks as if he's been walking for quite some time. This morning, I stopped him and told him that I should get into walking too. He looked so thrilled that I said more than, "Good Morning," as I normally do when I see him. While we're standing there having a conversation, his legs are still going as he is walking in place. 

"How old you think I am," he asks me. 

I take a good look at him and I guess 60 years old. He fires back, "Try again. Higher."

65?

He is shaking his head vigorously.

"Higher!"

I step back. No way you're 70?

"I turned 80 two weeks ago." He has a light patois. Jamaican, maybe?

What the hell? The man looks good and maybe it's because he's bald and clean-shaven that there's no graying to behold but his eyebrows are jet black. His skin has some wear on it but no deep wrinkles at all. I am speechless. That is hard to do - to cause me to be speechless. I stand there with my mouth agape as he talks about his habit of walking and his wife's habit of walking. He runs down his daily routine. Exercise. Cool down. Shower. Eat a bowl of cereal. Relax. 

"But," he says, "I just started working again."

Before retiring, he drove a van for special needs children and he has picked it up again.

I smile and tell him that work keeps him  young. Just like my dad who still works at 75 years old. And his job is a physically vigorous job. My father is a landscaper.

Anyway, I wish I had snapped a picture with that gentleman this morning. But trust and believe, I am going to interview him, in the future, for my VLOG. I will let him tell me again what the secrets are for living a long, healthy life.

So here's to VLOGGING/PODCASTING! I will always write but now I'm adding another component to NeenaLove, Inc. Stay tuned!