Spring Fool : Chasing Forever Edition

April 10th used to be a very special date to me. I suppose it is still special since here I am blogging about it. Ahhh maybe it's just a day for me to remember old love. I met my first love on this day many moons ago. It was all very magical and I was swept up in such a crazy whirlwind of new feelings and emotions. I was just 18 years old - so young and tender and brand new to grown-up love. He was so apprehensive of whatever was developing between us, and I, I was head over heels for him. I don't know what it is that makes people fall in love but there's nothing like it. Physical attraction leads to spending time together and before you know it, you are falling helplessly down a rabbit hole completely unable to stop gravity.

Here I am 24 years later and I have noticed the same pattern when I fall for a guy. The fireworks and the magic of new beginnings make me foolish. I overlook all the things that might be potential "red flags." Well, I don't actually overlook them and it's not that I don't see them, what happens is that I place those red flag behaviors neatly in a compartment in my mind that says, "I can change that." And maybe that's not something I should do anymore or maybe it's part of my charm? I have a thing for building up my man. My closest friends say that I pick "Project Men" - my selection in men need some shiny-ing up to take the roughness off of their edges. I don't mind that. I love that I can be a positive influence with the man I intend to love. A man should be so lucky to have a woman who supports him and pushes him to his greatest heights.

Even if I am attracted to "the project men," the last thing I want to feel is judged for my selection. Nothing anyone says can actually steer me away from my bull-headed stubbornness. I like what I like and nobody has to understand my choice or even agree with it. In fact, everyone thought I was a fool when I married my ex. Everyone was so sure that we were going to fail within the first year and, I can't lie, it was a rough first year. Hell, we had several rough patches. People thought I had made a big mistake and that it was too soon from my last relationship. They said that we didn't really know each other. It didn't matter because all of the comments came after he and I had already run away to Illinois to get married. We lasted thirteen years before he called it quits and I complied. The last thing I wanted was to stay with a man that didn't want me. But here is what I know. Here is the secret. If there is anything I know about myself, it's that I know how to be a good wife but more important, I know how to be a good partner. I know how to build my man up and shiny him up for all the world. I know how to support him and I know how to take charge when I need to. I am the difference. And so what if everyone judges my choices. Nobody has to understand it.

I know that I always talk about love and I'm obsessed with relationships and the dynamics that happen in marriage and now in my single-ness. I don't know if the topic is redundant but I do know that LOVE isn't going anywhere. It will always be a part of the human condition; how we want to cohabitate and nest and ride this road called life with a loving partner. I don't think I will ever lose the desire to share my life with someone. April 10th, every year, reminds me of new love and how much of a spring fool I am. But even though I've been hurt before, I will never lose my enthusiasm for finding someone to share my world with, to chase forever with. Even though it terrifies me to give my heart away again, I still want to believe that someone out there wants to give me the world. Someone out there wants to love me completely. He wants to be my protector, my provider, and wants to be by my side through every joy and every pain. I know he's out there maybe looking for me too and I just have to believe that love will find me again and this time it will be forever. #iStillBelieveInLove 

HeartBreak + Forklifting

Today was rough for me. Actually, the last couple of days have been rough. So many thoughts in my mind... needing to get my mind and heart right to move forward in life and not feel so weighed down. I just want to come out from beneath the grey skies. I was doing good for a minute but certain events in recent weeks just put me over the edge to where I can't ignore the conflict in my heart. After much contemplation, I have concluded that I need to do what's right for me and only me. I cannot be concerned with anyone else.

This morning, one single song triggered a host of memories that I just could not ignore. Bonnie Raitt, I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME. It took me back to 2001 when my first husband and I were separating. We divorced in 2003. I was taken back to the last time we made love before we parted ways. I knew he was leaving me and had known for weeks before he finally departed.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

I had probably been very melodramatic leading up to our actual separation. How do I say goodbye to the only man that I had ever loved? How can he leave me and break my heart with little regard for me? Why was my love not enough to keep him here with me?

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

I remember him kissing me. It always lead to making love. I absolutely loved that about us. We had a very compatible sex drive. This time was different than any other time because I knew this was goodbye. I think about that time in my life and just can't help but sob like a baby. I feel every single emotion I felt way back then. Even after all these years, I just can't shake those raw emotions and it seems even more intense now. It's funny how that works. I will NEVER get over my first love. NEVER. There will always be unfinished business between us. 

So this morning, as I am experiencing all these feelings all over again, I was crying like a baby. My eyes were swollen and red from the tears that just would not stop. I was falling to pieces. In the nick of time, one of my besties pulls up to save me from myself. She takes one look at me, her eyes narrow, and she says, "Who did it?" She tells me to get dressed. As is typical with me, whenever I'm stressed, I go right to work. Apparently she was having a melt down also and needed to get some physical activity.

We made our way to our job site about 45 minutes away and we put in work. We moved large items around. It required the forklift and thanks to my diverse resume, I know how to drive a forklift. Doing physical labor always helps me forget stuff that bothers me. Today was no exception. By 7:30 in the evening, we were spent and found ourselves pigging out at the local Mexican restaurant. Physical labor and sweat makes for good therapy. I am so grateful for my sister-friend who saw my bat signal and came to my rescue.


#NeenaLoveDrives
@ NorthShoreLiquidation

Life Is a Collection of Experiences

Life is a collection of experiences.

I have become increasingly comfortable with being single, unattached, divorced, and free. I am not in a rush to be with someone exclusively. I am actually enjoying the freedom, the ability to choose my destiny. The road ahead is mysterious, scary even but it invigorates me. The adventure of new experiences or the potential for new experiences fills my world with a brand new excitement that I have not felt in a very long time.

I miss the comfort of my ex and I will admit that my birthday weekend had me really sad. I wanted to be with him desperately. I wanted him to take me out like we have done for my birthday for the previous twelve years. I wanted him to hold my hand, to make love to me, to  hold me long into the night but I know it would have been all wrong. There's just no way that my heart can handle that. Even though he offered to take me out, there was no way I could have done that without feeling all kinds of sadness the next day. It would get in the way of my healing and I cannot turn back now. I have come too far to go back to that place of loving him. Even though we had some really good years, I think we just grew apart wanting different things from life.

I could never be the one to leave. I only know how to be loyal and committed. I am truly a woman of my word. If I said, "Til Death Do Us Part," I really meant it. But he decided to leave and I can only respect him for his courage to make the changes that he saw fit. I know I never want to live under the gloom that was taking over our marriage. I never want to feel that dead inside again and I am sure he was feeling that way also. At the same time, I had a deep love for him and he will always own that piece of my heart. Life truly is a collection of experiences. Though he was not my first love, he is and will always be a significant character in the story of my life.

I was having a discussion with a friend. We were discussing first love. Every person has that one. My first love was everything that you would expect. He was pure love, animal attraction, physical satisfaction, and yet was also pure hurt. We compared the emotions of our experiences with our first loves and our reactions are identical - that we would run back to them in a heartbeat just to feel that rush again.

Why is it that we want to run back to that comfortable place of first love? Both she and I were similar in that we loved them with complete abandon. We gave our whole heart to them. What I experienced with my first love is that as shy as I was, he was patient with me. We explored our emotions and our physical desires together. He cradled my heart and my body like no one ever has. Even now as a 42 year old woman, I have only ever been fully satisfied with him and not just sexually. He knew my body and could take me to the heights of pleasure but even deeper than that, he appreciated my heart, and was absolutely in love with my mind. First love is supposed to be like that - a collection of brand new experiences that we brave together.

We wish beyond all wishes that we could take back the heartache that came with first love. It could not have been first love without the heart break. My first love will always own that title of "first love" because he broke my heart, because him leaving cut me the deepest. And my foolish heart was so naive to think that he could love me in my totality forever. And yet, I look back at the fierceness of my love and the strength that I loved him with and I am in awe at my capacity to love him. When we parted ways, I did find love again but a part of me will always belong to him. That place in my heart that was reserved for only him is still locked away never to be experienced by anyone but him.

The woman I have become since I split from my first love, I could never be her without having experienced that hurt. I honor that event and all the years since we split because it has added so many facets to my womanhood. My kindness, my compassion, and my capacity to love has only increased because I know what a broken heart feels like. And though I wish that our love had never stopped, I am also grateful that I found love again. And even though that second love has left me, I know I will experience love again and fall truly, madly, deeply in love with another. All of these experiences of love and pain and hurt and joy and passion are possible because I have loved and I have lost. And I honor all of these trials and triumphs.

Life is a collection of experiences.

#iStillBelieveInLove

Love Future

In recent days, I have found myself contemplating what I will do next in life. I have this pulsing desire to leave this current situation behind. I want to put so much distance between me and all of my past romantic relationships and scratch out a new existence all by myself. I know I will not do it all by myself. My family and friends are so much a part of my transition. But I feel the need to be all by myself in the world. As crazy as that sounds, I need the peace and tranquility of being alone to find ME again. I need to stretch my legs and gather new experiences and remember the girl I was and figure out the girl I am going to be.

Much of my adult life has found me searching for true love and seeking to find that spark, that magic, that fire. In recent months, I straddle this line between rekindling past love and all of the history that comes with it or should I move toward something brand new without any history or pain. The pattern I find myself in is that I want men that don't want me. Well they want me or they think they want me but they have no idea how to fulfill my needs. They don't pursue me in the traditional way that I dream of, the way I saw my father constantly court my mother or the way I watch my older brother with his wife. I have such beautiful examples of love, unconditional, all around me. How is it that my selection in men is so poor that they always find a reason to leave me?

I have buried two marriages in my short life and right now, I cannot love like that again even though I love being in love. There is no better feeling than the butterflies that arise in my belly when I am in love. There is no better feeling than to be desired by a man that I am absolutely head over heels for. And yet, I have not clearly defined in my head how I want the next relationship to look like moving forward. I would agree with anyone who says that right now is not the time to look for a new love. And yet I feel the stirrings in my belly again. I feel the magic of explosive new love and at the same time, I feel the burn of old love and my mind cannot decipher which is the right way to go. At best, the right way is to sit in stillness and not choose a path at all. The path that is beckoning to me is the one that puts me above everyone else. I cannot live my life for another and neither can they live for me.

Just recently, I started watching the TV Show THIS IS US. The writing is so fabulous. The story line so real and the actors and actresses that bring it to life are stellar. The most recent episode I watched, there is a particular scene where one of the main characters is prompted to seek out his one true love. Kevin shows up at Sophie's door unannounced after not having seen her in 12 years. She was once married to him and he left the marriage. He tells her that she's the one that got away.

Side Note: Every single episode of THIS IS US is chock full of raw human emotion. Love, hate, resentment, anger - it just covers so many emotions and I cry with every single episode.

When Kevin shows up at Sophie's door and reveals his regrets, it instantly reminded me of my own failed first marriage. Everyone has a first love - the one they gave their entire heart to. My first love was also my first husband. I have written about our relationship several times before on this blog and in my handwritten journals. At the end of that marriage, I never quite moved on. It's like he took the biggest piece of my heart with him when he left. And what was left for my second husband was a tiny fraction of my capacity to love and yet there's no denying that I did love my second husband also. This recent break up with him has brought all of the pain and loss of both marriages to the forefront and I grieve. I still sob when I think of the loss of the two great loves in my life. This prompts me to want the magic and electricity of new love. I don't want to dwell on the pain of the past. I have been quite successful at burying the pain and pushing forward without addressing the wounds. But now, now is the time to purge and let it all go once and for all.

I don't know what my love future looks like. What I do know is that I love the bliss of a love without any pain associated with it. What I do know is that magic can happen at the craziest of times and under the strangest of circumstances. What I absolutely know is that synergy and pure, raw attraction is alive and well in me. What I know is that I don't want to label or define the old or the new because it changes it, whatever IT is, and turns it into something I may not want. As I progress through the changing landscape of my life, I will do so with my eye single to my goals. I love to be in love but first I must work on me and that is exactly what I am going to do. God-willing, all of my passion for writing and all of my creative pursuits that make me feel so alive will be realized and love will find me, either way.

Independent of WE

No one sees my mind the way you do
You see into my soul
Into my heart

Above all, I can be me whenever I am with you
The me that no one in the world can see but you
There are no misconceptions of who I am
Because I am my most genuine when I am with you
I hide nothing

Even now as we traverse separate trials
Our honesty with each other
Our vulnerability
Our connection
Our concern for each other
Our genuine affection
It is all very important to me
And so precious

Yet our symbiotic relationship is just that - so intertwined
And I have a difficult time hearing my own voice
Hearing my own thoughts that are independent of WE
And however I move forward
And however you move forward
Must be independent of WE

WE will always have this connection
And maybe one day we will find each other again
In love
In passionate love
It will be the right time
Without the hurt of our yesterdays
creeping up into our todays

But first, I will work on me
You will work on you
Independent of WE

Waiting & Fear of Better Options

So much of my life has been spent
waiting
waiting
waiting...

I am so loyal that I put my needs and desires on the side to wait....

What am I waiting for?
A broken heart?
True love?
For lost love to come back?

I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that I am valuable and I am worthy of being loved fully and completely in every moment; right now. Just because I have been tossed aside by both husbands does not mean that there is a problem with me even though it does make me feel inadequate, at times.

Last night I went to the gym and a "gentleman caller" was there. He and I had flirted online recently and even went as far as making plans to meet up. He did end up going to the meeting place and I did not. So last night when we seen each other, we did the regular kiss-on-the-cheek-Hawaii-greeting, said a few words, and I walked out. It eventually led to us talking on FB later that evening. Back and forth. Back and forth until I had to drive and couldn't respond. We have quite a long history of knowing each other. He pursued me once when I was 18 and he was 22. He is a nice looking man with a very nice body that all the ladies can appreciate. He can also be a sweetheart too but I've only known him to be a real alpha male, king-of-the-jungle, hot-head type. He has a quick temper.

Why do I tell that story?
Well, why am I not allowing myself to date and just go out and have fun?
Is it because I feel like I have to wait for lost love to come back to me? And with lost love, there are never any guarantees that they will return. Odds are that they probably will not come back. So why am I waiting around like it will?

A dear confidant sent me a commercial that shows a psychiatrist explaining, "Beth, you have FOBO."
"What is FOBO?"

FEAR of Better Options

I was really rocked by her saying that mostly because I never considered looking outward. I have loved only two men in my life. To look for someone else was unthinkable. Why would I want to learn about someone new? Why do I want to go through the trouble of learning to be with someone else and all of their habits and ways?

I knew my first husband since 1994. We married in 1997. Divorced in 2003. That is a lot of time to invest in getting to know someone. I look back at love letters that I wrote to him in the past, when we were both single people, and I was really waiting around for him. Waiting for him to realize that I was a good woman. Waiting for him to love me back with the same passion that I had. We met when I was 18 - the prime of my life. He was 29. I was in College surrounded by horny, single men and all I wanted was him. I waited for him to want me back. Why did I do that? Even back then, did I have a Fear of Better Options or was it because I had settled into a familiar comfort with him?

Enter second husband. We met and married in 2003 and here we are in 2016, newly divorced. I used to hang on his every word and his every emotion. I truly respected him and had sincere and genuine love for him. Even now, I look back at our good times and the fun we used to have and feel gratitude for those moments. The past couple of months have been a trial in patience and me learning to flow like water and to not resist what is happening in my life. If I don't talk to him, I'm okay but we just spent the last 13 years together and I miss his presence in my day-to-day. And those 13 years was precious time that I invested in the hope of FOREVER. Now, as I navigate this new freedom, I feel stuck wanting him to want US again. Am I waiting? Why am I waiting?

And this idea of being fearful of better options. Am I afraid of possibility? Most of me wants the comfort and familiarity of the love that I lost. Having this kind of tunnel vision, this desire for lost love, makes me so vulnerable instead of wide open to possibility. Today I choose to be wide open.

Really, what I desire is someone to love me fully and completely right now. I don't want to wait.... anymore. I am swept away in a longing for romantic professions of eternal love but more than that, I want action and yet I cannot go down that path again. My second husband, in our short courtship before we married, swept me away in a sea of action so quick and steady that there weren't any options but to marry him. His romantic gestures were so grand in expectation that I fell hard and quick. I recognize that and I vow to make different choices this time around.

I will make different choices. Choices that honors my destiny and my authentic path. Life is a meandering river with rapids and quiet lulls, stony paths, waterfalls, and beautiful views! I am riding along its banks or maybe I am smack dab in the middle of its width; one thing is for sure, my life has gathered new energy, a new zeal for living. The grey skies have parted and I move forward with intent. New love will not be my purpose but an extension of my purpose. And when he, whoever he is, makes himself available and exclusive to me it is because we have become extensions of each other, electrons orbiting around each other and through each other. I look forward with hopeful eyes that love will find me again but I am not waiting anymore. I am wide open to possibility!

Fifty Shades... of Break Ups

I just completed the audiobook of Fifty Shades of Grey. I have to say that I didn't care too much for all the sex in the book and the BDSM actions. It was overkill. I did, however, enjoy the characters of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. None of the trailers or movies shorts on YouTube even come close to how I imagined the two characters. Anyway, **spoiler alert** throughout the book I was supremely irritated by Ana's naivete and Christian's mysteriousness. By the end of the book, though, I was rooting for both of them and hurting at the same time. I was so broken up. Ana's fall for Christian was so genuine. It reminded me of how I fell head over heels in love with my ex-husband, which of course led to our eventual break-up. By the end of Fifty Shades of Grey I was shedding tears over these fictitious characters and remembering the difficulty of falling in and out of love and dealing with the hard stuff of learning to trust someone else.

As soon as I arrived home from work, I dug out my journals from the years when my ex-husband and I were separated. I started reading and began crying as I read. I remember the feeling of not being needed by the man who I had given my heart to, with complete and utter abandon. Without going into a long and detailed explanation of our twisted relationship, the short story is that we separated after four years of marriage. He left me.You can dig in my blog archives for stuff that I've written about our ill-fated romance.

*****
DATE: 24 September 2002 (we had been separated more than a year)

I just wish my husband were here to make it all go away. But he's the other part of my emptiness. I still feel like I'm chasing him.

So what becomes of a faithful woman whose ONLY hunger is passionate, unconditional love? I tell him that I'll be here, waiting for him. But my life is just passing me by. When does it come back to me? I used to think that love could flourish with one person doing all the loving but it can't. To do that would be AGAINST the laws of nature. I need him to love me back the way I NEED to be loved and not the way he knows how. 

This year has been quite a struggle. I cry 2-3 times a week over this crazy love. And it doesn't affect him. Nothing I desire sways him EVER in my direction. Shane(fake name) wants what he wants when he wants it. I can't change that. I can't change him. I don't know if I mourn this strange love affair or... if I'm letting him go. I'm uncomfortable with both options. 

I just want to feel special. He doesn't make me feel special like it was when we first met. But even then, Shane had his walls up. I love him so much. I miss him like crazy. But I want it all. Don't I deserve it all?
*****

Break-ups are so hard. Going through my journal brings up all kinds of feelings. I have so much compassion on the person I used to be and who I am today is because I was that woman that suffered from unrequited love.

*****
DATE: 2 October 2002

My husband and I need to have a talk. I feel less than appreciated. I think he has stopped loving me. I'm a different woman than the one he left one year, one month, nine days, and three hours ago. I don't want half-a-commitment. I don't want to have to worry about him EVER leaving me...again. I don't want another birthday to pass unnoticed. I don't want to spend another Christmas apart. I don't EVER want to be alone on our wedding anniversary again. EVER!

What am I gonna do? There is an answer SOMEWHERE!!! Every time he needs a break from me, is he going to leave me? Is EVERYTHING ALWAYS my fault? I don't think he knows how much love I have for him. If he did, would he STILL treat me this way? And why do I have all this love for him when he gives me no reason. How do I know he loves me back?

Why do I continue to hold on when there is nothing in return?

He's supposed to be my best friend and some of these crucial feelings I'm afraid to share with him. Actually most of them. I try really hard to NOT feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job. But I'm tired of nagging myself to demand the love I need and deserve.

So many times throughout the day I see something that INSTANTLY reminds me of my husband. Could be the way someone smokes a cigarette. Could be a bald head. Or the way someone walks... and I think about him. 
*****

Ordinary, He and Me

Something's going on.

Something inside my mind.

There seems to be an explosion in my mind...
A craving for music like how it was when I was a teenager.
It's like I have a song in my gut that wants to be sung.

It's like I have so much pent-up emotions inside me the way it was when I cried to silly love songs as a teenager or longed for romance when I heard Tony Terry's, "With You".

The divorce from my ex in 2003 contributed to me being so cold.
Retreating into my cave
And now...
Now I feel like I'm getting back to me; to taking care of my heart by opening it.

Funny how things work out. Husband and I will celebrate 9 years this year. 9 whole years of marriage. That boggles my mind. I've been with my husband longer than I was with my ex and yet I feel like I've been so cut off from my emotions. I have been wanting to open my heart again and I think I am finally moving into that phase where everything looks just a little bit brighter; where Luther's "Here and Now" has new meaning.

I'm crawling from beneath the rubble of what WAS and I've finally caught up to the me and he of today. **sigh** I'm sad that maybe I wasted a lot of time NOT FEELING or just feeling the bad stuff. But I'm ready now. My heart is healed. I'm ready to remember what "Tender Love" feels like; what it feels like to give it and not just go through the motions.

I feel like I haven't given my husband every inch of my heart. There's space I've left reserved just in case he ended up hurting me. It's like I've been afraid to experience love again, to give away my heart with wild abandon. And. I'm not sure it's even about not getting hurt now. I know I'll be okay because I am fully capable of doing hard things. I'm just ready to give my ENTIRE heart to him, for the benefit of my heart; so that I can feel the feel-good endorphins!

I'm ready now.

And the thing is. He probably doesn't even know that I haven't given him the whole of my heart because what I have given him has been good just not EVERYTHING.

My heart is wide open to my love. His love. Our love. We met face-to-face 8 years 362 days ago. And everyday, it gets better. We go through the fights and arguments and in the end we battle only to remind ourselves how much we love each other. In the end, we're just ordinary people.

Life Lessons Remembered

Random Facebook quote that I LOVE:

When people walk away from you...

Let them go...

Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people.

It just means that their part in your story is over.

I often think of my ex-husband when I see quotes like this. I know it sounds funny but I knew he was only going to be in my life for a short season. Most of our relationship was spent apart even before we were married. There's that little voice in your mind that whispers truth. In that whisper I have known/knew what the fate of our relationship would be. Today and even then, I was okay with it.

I have to admit that I learned so much from him about myself. The two biggest lessons....

1. What I had to learn quick is that his opinion of me (he walked away) should not determine my own opinion of self. After he left... all I could say was WOW to the new me. I think I dropped like 60 pounds in a matter of months. I regained half of it back but it was fun while it lasted.

2. I can do hard things. That was a big lesson! Divorce is difficult especially when all you want to do is LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. CRAZY LOVE. I got through it. Yeah, I can do hard stuff!

So even though he left me high and dry and divorced me, (See the story here and here and all throughout this blog. The topic is absolutely redundant.) my life has moved on in an awesome direction. Even though I tear up when I read my posts about the divorce and remember the heart ache in each and every goodbye, I also remember that I made it through. Our story together is complete however the lessons learned linger on.

I'm not sure if he ever thinks of me. I have no ill feelings toward him. In a way, I still have love for him; the way a student has love for a special teacher. I am grateful for his presence in my existence. The divorce pushed me beyond what I thought possible.

In gratitude, I bow to the lessons I have learned.

Never to be again....

An Ode to a Love Gone Away

Making love was like, was like....

An emotional roller coaster.

the moment you decided to walk away, we pretended as if our relationship was not ending
but i knew that it was

No amount of making love was going to bring your heart back to me

And whatever time you needed away from me was only going to hasten our relationship to its grave

the love that i felt was unlike anything I have ever felt before or will ever feel again because
you were
my
first
love

you are the only man to ever capture my heart with such ferocity
in that way that only a first love can

i think about you all the time
when we met
how i fell so hard for your body and your mind
how i felt so safe with you, so protected
how you cradled me through one of the most difficult times of my life
how you loved me
how i loved you

In the final days before you set our relationship aside
we made love on our living room floor
And as you climaxed
the tears fell from my eyes
and i felt my heart break for the very first time
and i knew that wherever your heart was
it was not with me

your love has gone away
and i will miss you all the days of my life

Severing The Ties That Bound Us

Background Info: The next "piece" was written to my ex. After we signed the divorce papers, he called me outta the blue. He apologized for everything he had put me through and was basically asking for forgiveness or something! We began talking nearly every day even though he had left Hawai'i and the divorce decree was on its way. I was so vulnerable and would have probably accepted him back if I didn't have a strong support system, telling me what was really going on.

Written... the letter was six pages long. I cried while I wrote the entire thing. The letter was dropped in the mail by a dear friend of mine (in Hawai'i) the minute my feet landed in St. Louis, Missouri. I left Hawai'i for St. Louis in November 2003 to start a new life. Consequently, I married my husband now during my time in "the Lou"! Writing this letter and severing my ties with my ex was a very difficult thing to do. I'm glad I did it though and still came out... classier than ever!

If you need more background info:
Heart Broken
Crippled Cells

His actual name has been changed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Our life together began on April 10th, 1994. I loved you from that day whether you believe me or not. Every event that has followed that day happened just as it should. Shane, you have been so much a part of my world that I don’t think I’ve known anything else. To be honest, you will always be special to me. I have learned so much from you. I truly believe that God works through people. And he sent you to me when I needed you…

I used to believe that there was just one man for me in the whole world. But that couldn’t be true. I thought that there was such a thing as soul mates. Since our divorce, my mind has since changed. The only way any relationship can work is if there are two willing parties.

You have seen me through some really hard times in my life. I am a better person for having shared a piece of my life with you. I hope you always remember that about me. I was always grateful for your love so honored that you once wanted to spend forever with me. But a lot has happened since we first started out.

Shane, all I ever wanted to do was love you and give you the best of me. After awhile I felt like I was more of a burden to you rather than a partner in a marriage. When you stopped coming to me with things that bugged you is when we forgot to love each other.

I just look back at how our lives have panned out and I ask so many questions. How could I have prevented our marriage from ending? A marriage cannot work if both parties aren’t willing. I don’t even know where I went wrong. I don’t know what more I could have done to show you how much I love you. I always felt like you got the best of me.

I remember writing in my journal about how I met this man named Shane. How he stimulates my mind and my passions. How his mind and just his way of being makes me feel like I’ve known him forever. All of that blossomed into love. A deeper love than I have ever known.

Next thing you know, we’re making plans to be together and that I’d make the move to New Mexico. I just wanted a piece of you and wanted to be a part of your life. We split after my short stint in Clovis. I didn’t want to let you go then but you don’t believe in long distance love.

I remember writing you daily and just loving you. Eventually you believed me when I said I love you and that I was only trying to do right. Then we got married January 4th, 1997.

Shane, I was so in love with you. When you look back on us, I hope you remember all the love I had for you. Both you and I know that our lives must move forward. When we separated in August 2001, I was determined to keep our love alive. Once again, time and distance separated us. Being faithful to you was never an issue. What was always looming in my head is that you didn’t love me. And if you did, how did you show me?

What am I trying to say with this long letter? Well, I’m saying that you were a beautiful part of me. I just am not ready to go down that road again. I crumbled for a little bit when you said you wanted a divorce but I can’t keep a man that don’t wanna be kept. Why fight?

After being apart for 18 months, did you expect to be in love? I had to work at being “in love” with you but you never came back to me. I don’t know what more I can say in this letter or on this page. Our relationship was solid for a bit. When it changed or why it changed, we’ll never know.

By the time you receive this letter, I’ve probably started my life all over again. It’s like I’ve told you before, I cannot see past the hurt. Shane, I never, ever wanted to see you hurting. And I know you’ve told me that you never wanted to hurt me. But the fact still remains that you asked for the divorce. There’s nothing wrong with that. You did exactly what you felt you had to do. I could never be mad about that.

Our relationship ended when our marriage did. Everything happens for a reason. Our being together was intended. You know I always believed that! Our love has no beginning, as it will never end – it’s always been there and will probably always be there. We’ve both made our mistakes – it’s the way of the world…. But I say we move ahead, move forward, one day at a time. Live life with no regrets.

When you look back at us, be glad that it happened. Know that you got the best love I had in me. I loved you with complete abandon and trusted that my heart was safe in your hands. And I thank you for allowing me to love you for the short time that we had.

When you and I started talking again after you left Hawaii this year, I was so confused. My whole way of thinking was geared toward FINALLY taking care of my heart… and so when you called, I was more than tripped out. I mean, you ask for a divorce then you wanna be in love with me again? I STILL don’t get that at all.

So anyway, these past couple of months, I been sitting back and tryin’ to let you do your thing. I really wanted to see how you would approach me. Honestly, nothing changed. I never received pretty flowers at work from you. No letters in the mail. No sweet Hallmark cards except on my birthday. And that really got to me. They say it’s the little things that make a difference. Never mind that I can overlook missed holidays and anniversaries…. It’s the small, minor details that reminded me that you cared.

Shane, you are a rare treasure. I never stopped seeing that in you. I know that love will find you again and maybe you’ll be able to give all of you. You are so very beautiful to me and I see you as I have always seen you – a man that I could love for lifetimes on end. Maybe one day we’ll run into each other again - and the magic could happen again. The next time might be the right time.

Please know that I loved you through every single storm. And know that I loved you even when you had nothing left to give me. When you think of me – remember the good stuff…. How we met and the endless conversations we’ve had; midnight wrestling matches; making love, walks on the beach; and all the other stuff we did on the beach… and so much more.

When you’re ready to love again, may she give you as much love and affection that I gave you. I hope she can care for your heart the way you need her to. *sigh* Have a good life, Shane. And maybe next time will be the right time. I will love you all the days of my life.

Live life with no regrets, babe. I will be around and maybe one day show up at your doorstep. Nah, just kidding. On the real though, when you need me, I’ll feel you and seek you out as I’m sure you’ll do the same for me. We have that strange connection that comes when two people REALLY know each other!

You’ve done nothing wrong, babe. Of course you can’t reverse your actions but everything happens for a reason. I hope one day we can see each other… without feeling any heartache from our divorce. May your journey through this life be peaceful and prosperous. I will see you in every ray of sunshine and I could know your beautiful face if God struck me blind. Smile, babe – our love happened and who’s to say it won’t BE ever again. I love you Shane and I always will.

Smelt Like Heaven

It smelt like heaven when I got on the elevator after work. I don't know who rode in it before me but his scent made me want to stop on every floor just to stay in the elevator a little longer. I'm not sure what the odor reminded me of. It was definitely masculine. It wasn't flowery fresh like laundry detergent OR spring-ish like dryer sheets so I deducted that it must be cologne. And whoever he was left it behind for me to take in.

I hit "L" to make my way to the lobby. As the doors closed, I am engulfed in this masculine scent. Memories of a lost love rush back. The scent in the elevator brought his face to mind because it was definitely a scent he'd wear.

I remember the silly way he got my attention the night we met. He was spraying water in my hair as he ironed his uniform. My head was aching probably from dehydration. I was irritated and did not want to be bothered yet he kept spraying my hair with the water.

I remember the first time we kissed and the first time he touched my body.

I recall the way he looked in his beige suit on our wedding day.

My mind rushes back to INTENSE conversations, solving world issues in the car getting from point A to point B.

I remember his romantic gestures - him drawing a bath for me and washing me from head to toe has got to be one of our best memories. Him surprising me by coming home early from a trip. Us slow dancing in the living room. A heart-shaped chocolate chip cookie on our first Valentine's Day together. I believe he also bought me a pendant.

All of these memories flood my mind with just a single scent. He and I are/were electric. Even now, I feel a very clear and distinct draw to him even though I am very much married to someone else. I will never understand how or why that is. I just know that I will always remember how special we were together.

The Bus Ride

Penned in September 1996

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I sat watching a desert sunrise, reflecting on my life thus far, and absorbed my new surroundings. New Mexico, a barren desert, was a far cry from Hawai'is endless beaches and squawking mynah birds. The beauty of the rising sun entranced me and held me spellbound. It was new to see the sun rise from the earth: a horizon made of land. My sense were ablaze, excited with new sensations, and drowned by the unfamiliar existence.

I left Hawai'i in hopes of finding a different life and New Mexico seemed to fill all the criteria. I loved being in the New Mexico desert but getting there was the memorable part. It was my first bus ride alone. If anyone has ever been on a Greyhound but at Christmas time, you can relate to the chaos.

I think back to that Christmas season in 1994. It was an odd time to leave Hawai'i - my comfort zone, but I felt that if I didn't leave then, I would never leave. I arrived in San Francisco two weeks before Christmas, spent time with some friends, and moved on ahead. I had the choice of either flying to New Mexico on a two hour flight or riding a Greyhound bus for a day and a half. I opted for the bus ride.

Upon entering that crowded bus, I summoned all the courage I had in me to ask a lonely occupant, if the other half of his seat was vacant. It wasn't as hard as I had figured. I tried to get as comfortable as the seat would allow, after all, it was going to be a long trip. I recall sitting there in fascination. I wondered where she had been and where he had been. I wondered where he was going or where she was going. Each one of us had a story to tell.

Bubba was his name and he was an African-American gentleman on his way home after seventeen years away. He was seated across the aisle.

"I just want some home cookin' from mama's grill and I'll be the happiest man alive," he exclaimed.

And that is how we met. Through the hills and all along the California coast we talked. From Hayward to Los Angeles. This comprised six hours of conversation about absolutely nothing and everything. I enjoyed his company and was regretful about separating. He is a genuine character in the pages of my life.

The Pacific Ocean mocked me ans I talked with Bubba.

"Come and taste of my living waters one last time," she whispered.

"Feel the gentle sway of my waves. There is no ocean for you in New Mexico."

Over and over she called out. Her constant taunts aroused a feeling of homesickness in me and I wanted to turn back.

"You from Hawai'i? I saw you flipping tru' yo' book and I seen you' Hawai'i license." A man stood in front of me. Obviously his English was heavily accented with Hawaiian pidgin. I gleamed in response to his inquiry and his use of pidgin. When you're from Hawai'i and you're far from your island home and you meet someone else from Hawai'i, automatically there is a bond. There's that "localness". That spirit. We chatted for a while the he went back to his seat. Before he left, he patted my shoulder and said, "Aloha sista! You take care."

Throughout my journey I encountered diverse characters and people but none were so beautiful to me as the driver of the last leg of my tri. He reminded me of the grandfathers I never knew. His face wore years of hard work but his voice was that of a high school graduate with his entire life ahead of him. There was no conflict in his speech, just energy and youth. His sweet spirit spoke to my own and I felt comforted in his closeness. With a Spanish accent and a humble manner he pleaded with me, "love your family and do all that you can to make yor home a shelter from the storms." Nearly tearful, I shook his hand and gave him a kiss of fondest aloha and departed from him. The strong features of his face are etched in my mind and his sweet words are carved on my heart.

Faces and personalities; Characters and traits; I saw them all on the Greyhound bus. We all shared a common quality. We were running away from something and at the same time, we were all reaching for something else.

So there I sat, watching the sun set on the arid desert. I reflected on my life thus far and I remembered. New Mexico was worlds away from Hawai'i but I loved it. It was common now to see the sun drop into the earth; a horizon made of land. My senses were satisfied and my unfamiliarity became comfort.

The Box

My cousin and his wife gave me a box several years ago for Christmas. It's a beautiful storage box and is the perfect size to keep photo's in. The box was so beautiful that it remained empty for several years because I could not find anything that absolutely fit in it. Discarding the box wasn't even an option.

When my ex-husband first broke the news that he was leaving me, I wanted to destroy everything in my possession that was connected to him. I wanted to have a bonfire to burn every letter I wrote him, every letter he wrote me, all our pictures; I wanted to be rid of anything that reminded me of my life with him.

My best friend requested that I hold onto the things I wanted to be rid of. She said that they were worth saving for future examination. She said that one day I'd want to re-read the letters and look at pictures. I thought, at the time, her request was ridiculous. Only a sentimental fool would hold onto letters to and from a man that broke my heart over and over again. Against my emotional desire to be rid of the ties that bound us together, I kept the letters. It now sits in the beautiful keepsake box that I received from my cousin and his wife.

I visit the box every now and again. Each time I open the box, I'm immediately transported to the world I left behind when my ex-husband left me. I can't say for sure what his motives were. I do know that he's on marriage #3 now. (I was #2.)

The first thing I see when I open the box is the engagement picture. What I wouldn't give to look the way I did in those pictures. It's not the physical characteristics of my face that I long for, though it wouldn't hurt. What I long for is that fresh, never-been-hurt excitement that comes with new love. The picture reveals, every single time I look at it, a girl in love with love. Yes, I was still a girl. Girlhood kept me chasing Prince Charming. Experiencing my first broken heart, at the hands of my ex-husband, shattered the dreams of finding a prince and brought me into womanhood. Not every girl will have to pass through the halls of heart break to find what it is to be a woman, but I did.

My first broken heart still aches, especially when I open up the beautiful storage box full of my life with my ex-husband. After getting through the engagement picture and staring at the girl I used to be, the next thing I find is a package of letters that I wrote him. Lets see, we met in 1994. Married in 1997. Separated in 2001. Divorced in 2003. All of my letters to him, spanning those years, are in there; neatly sorted chronologically. Actually there are a few letters from after '03 in there as well. After the divorce, we did indeed speak and correspond via email and regular postal mail. Nothing ever came of it, mostly because I had moved on then eventually he did too.

Removing the letters gives way to the pictures from our wedding. It was a huge event. So huge that this was our wedding cake. Count 'em... 22 tiers! I look at the pictures and think how far away that life seems. The white dress. The bridesmaids and groomsmen. The JR bridesmaids. The flower girls and ring bearers. The eloquent speech by my Uncle Cy, who married us, about love and blessings and the need to nurture each other. The daddy/daughter dance. The bouquet toss. The garter toss. That life is indeed behind me, left at the foot of other girls longing to be a bride.


It takes me a couple of hours to get through everything. I usually sort through the letters. I read the words I wrote and remember the exact moment I wrote them. I think about how hard I worked at loving him. I wanted to be the "exceptional" woman, the one to change his mind about women and relationships. I wanted him to know what a loyal wife truly is, in contrast to his first marriage. I wanted him to experience a good woman, first-hand! I think I did all that and more. In his own words:

Woman, oh womanI miss your mind and soul, I truly wasted a blessing. You said to me once, forgive yourself. I understand now what you were saying to me.

God has always worked in ways unknown to man. sometimes you have to be hit hard to wake up, like i did. I do know that i needed to be a more humble person in this life and to be more grateful for and to take better care of the blessing i am given. I have messed off more than any man can want. and im alright on through his grace.

i ask for God's forgivness almost everyday now, cause i know in my heart i messed of one of his sweetest gifts.

I wish i could turn back time but i cant you are always in my thoughts and when i pray you are there too. so know this, we are fighters! take care of your happiness. I do miss you and think of you too thats why i'm writeing this at this time i dreamed of you again you are such a beautiful woman inside and out take care woman.

Opening up my special, little box reminds me of how far I've come. That little box runs through brand new love. Fairytale wedding. Girlhood to womanhood. Broken hearts. Divorce. And the conclusion: the ex-husband finally realizing that I was and always have been a blessing in his life. Nothing is sweeter to me, in regards to that relationship, than knowing that when we split I had nothing to hang my head about. I had done everything in my power to try and make it work and he still chose to leave.

My special visit to the box always makes me cry. After that, I feel grateful for what I have now and am reminded that my life is so wonderful. The man that shares my space is so wonderful and that after all that has happened, I did find my Prince Charming.

*************


**Photo Credit

What a Difference!

My life is so different from what it used to be just five years ago.

Five years ago I worked for a large hotel chain in their time share area. It was a party every day at work. I had starbucks in the morning, at the bar for lunch and right after work I'd head home for a ice cold beer (depending on what day it was). I smoked 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Misty Menthol Lights. (Yuck... now that I've kicked my tobacco habit!)

Five years ago my ex-husband was in the process of becoming my ex after two years of separation. In those two years, I never once stepped out on him. I had to be a nun, the way I barely even looked at other men. Notice I said "barely".

The state of my relationship catapulted me into the world of functional alcoholics. I don't recall the alcohol ever soothing the pain, rather it put me in a state of happiness that erased the memory of hurt. I guess thats the same thing. **LOL** But anyway, I drank to laugh. I drank to cry. I drank to escape my life. And yet, viewing my life from the outside, my life was not so bad. I had a successful career, great parents and siblings; it was just my marriage -- it was falling apart.

Before the ex and I separated, his drug of choice was weed. Whatever demons he had, he tamed them with weed. I don't blame him. I remember smoking with him and feeling like nothing could touch us. When we made love, after a pipe bowl of the best pakalolo on the island, no one could pull us down from the lofty heights of pleasure.

Ahh yes, my life has changed from its days of functional alcoholism and weed induced stupors. I am free of those addictions for now. I have to say though that my life at that time was a series of contrasts. Unbelievable highs and dreary lows! There was no middle ground. I was either/or. No room for "in-between".

Sometimes I miss the partying til the break of dawn. I miss being on the scene, checkin' out the fella's and talkin' about the chicken heads. At the same time, I'm not tryin' to be the oldest female in the club. LOL... I think I've evolved past that. Today, here and now, I am different than I was 5 years ago. Better? Maybe.

Naptime Dreams

It was a pleasant afternoon. I was spiritually fed from a great service at church, I had just eaten a nice brunch of french toast and a mushroom omelette. I was content to spend the rest of the afternoon finishing off the novel, The Known World by Edward P. Jones. I cozied into a nice position on my bed, opened my book and drifted off to sleep. I didn't even get a paragraph in before the lull of the dream world beckoned me.

I find that my dreams give me great insight into the state of my mind. It is my spirit revealing to my conscious mind some of the stumbling blocks that may come if I don't fix whats not working in my conscious world.

When I was going through a separation from my first husband. The same recurring dream would haunt me for many months. I would dream that I was in my home. My home would be on fire and everyone around me would be running to escape the flames. They scream at the top of their lungs for me to get out of the fire yet I steadily walk through my home and the flames don't affect me. And I am clueless as to why they're acting so frantically. I remember vividly everyone's concern for me in the dream. The dream rocked me to my core and I would wake from it with my heart racing, wet sheets from sweat, and reduced to heart breaking tears.

There are no coincidences! Afer experiencing the dream for so many weeks, I was desperate for answers. As I drove to work one morning, on the radio was the "Dream Guy". He interpreted dreams. I called in and was patched right through to him. Everyone knows how hard it is to get through to a radio station. This, however, was a breeze. I recounted the dream to him and my dumbfounded stupor over its significance and meaning. He revealed to me, in detail, the state of my emotional well-being without knowing a thing about me or my separation from my husband.

The house is symbolic of self. My emotions, my soul, ME. The fire was indicative of doom, of failure, of danger. Thus, the burning house was me headed for a melt down. The people running from the building was my family who were very frightened by the fire, as most people are who find themselves in a burning building. Their screaming and yelling from outside the burning building was their concern for me. My apathy to the fiery home was my naivete, my total disregard for my own emotional well-being at the expense of me.

The "dream guy" said, "You are so used to being emotionally hurt that you are totally oblivious to what's really happening to you."

I was totally rocked by that comment. As he continued to reveal to me the pitfalls of my current emotional state, I was reduced to tears as I had begun to see myself as very weak and vulnerable. I had dedicated so much of who I was to the failing relationship that was my first marriage at the expense of me. I put him and only him above my own needs. I knew it needed to stop and yet I allowed another two years to pass between my ex and I before I emotionally let go of the relationship. I let him back into my world only for him to trample all over my heart again.

My dreams are a great compass for me to direct my conscious self. Sometimes I feel an emotion in my dream and I recognize it in the conscious world and I act accordingly, as I had done in the dream. It works! I am often beckoned into the world of dreams as I was today. And usually, therein is a message.

Adieu!

Vivid Yet Distant

I am a woman with raging hormones, as the creator intended.

My body longs to be touched, molested, ravaged and pursued by a man whose only desire is to satisfy the passion in his loins.

My sexual adventurousness began with my ex-husband and he is probably the measure by which all others have been compared. He and I had escapades that only he and I will ever know about. We liked the adventure of public places and the idea that we wanted it "so bad" that it had to be now or never. **sigh** I miss that excitement; that rush of adrenalin and pure ecstacy. Someone else enjoys that now as he has remarried and so have I. It's been five years and a couple months since I had a sexual experience with that man, however, I think about him on occasion. Mostly when my hormones have got the best of me.

I feel no guilt for thinking about him and his EXTREME skill in taking me to the heights of heaven. He took my body to places it probably will never experience again. Bittersweet for me. Bitter because the way our relationship ended... Sweet because of the memories it has imprinted upon my memory and consequently, my body.

I am constrained from giving in to my every whim. Most times, I am content to fantasize and reminisce on what "was" and am satisfied knowing that I had experienced him at all. We had such a special connection, one that I will probably always hang on to. More than likely, on my death bed, I will recall his face, his scent and his brilliant mind. He will probably greet me at death's door to assist me in my birth into the next world.

I've said goodbye to his memory a million times and vowed total commitment to the man that shares my world now. But I find myself here, at this apex, with such vivid yet distant memories of my first love.

The Passionate Life

Do people really know what love is?

When I was younger, the passion was MOST important.
It was ABOVE stability.
It was ABOVE respect.
It was ABOVE my own dignity.
It took me 9 years to find out that PASSION does not bring fulfillment. Passion does not equal love.

The passionate life means a series of ups and downs. Thats what makes the highs feel so high. Its because the low was lower than low.

My first marriage was "the passionate life". The highs I experienced with that man were at the very highest pinnacle of physical pleasure. Stoned, drunk and sexed beyond what I thought I could handle. He BROUGHT it every single time. Like an addict, I craved him. I rocked out in blind rages of sadness; unable to see beyond my addiction. Unable to shake my physical need for him. Unable to see how bad he was for me.

He had to take me there to that gulf of misery so that I would enjoy every time he took me HIGH. He knew my every physical desire and knew how to satisfy it. I was madd with lust, having no control over my appetites.

Then, like a pusher that gets arrested, he left me. He moved on. My passionate life spent high as a kite sunk me to the bottom of an abyss where the only way I could go was UP.

I spent a whole lotta time in that abyss. Lonely. Sad yet still hopeful in my "pusher". I knew he wanted to do right. He just didn't have the courage to do it. **heavy sigh**

I came out of that abyss unscathed. In fact, stronger for having been through such tough times. But like any drug addict, I know that my addiction to that man didn't look pretty on me. I'm glad I'm free from the grips of such a toxic love.

Kisses on the Wind

I sent a kiss on the wind to greet you in the dawn
As you wake and prepare yourself for the sunrise,
You capture my gift and place it on your lapel
As a reminder of what we once had.

Some nights I cry -- for no particular reason
I mourn the loss of true love
I relive the moment you walked out of my life
In that moment was such bittersweet release
And I remember YOU

I think of the depth of my love
It was an endless well of emotion
Full of total affection for you

Here I am stronger
Behind the strength is the knowledge that
At any moment -- I can stand on my own two feet
and WALK

I know the power I have within me
And I choose joy. I choose eternal LOVE
Pure.
Genuine.
Something you could never give me.

Don't Know Why...

i dreamt about you lastnight.

why do you haunt me even in my MOST blissful moments?
why do you visit my dreams?
why do i feel your touch when it's been four and a half years since i last felt it?

how is it that i'm happy where i'm at... joyful, even... yet still see you in the recesses of my memory?
my first love, that was YOU!
i still feel the tugging in the pit of my stomach when i think of your face.

why do i feel like -- you feel the same way too?

i feel like i'm so connected to you... and that i already know HER because i know you.
she's nothing like me, i know.

sometimes i wonder why our lives crossed paths.
what lessons did you learn from me?
had we known each other in a different lifetime?

'HE' gives me EVERYTHINGG i could ever desire. he plants me with sweet kisses and gentle carresses. he pledges ETERNAL love, as timeless and everlasting as the infinities of the universe....

...and yet HERE you are again -- in the middle of my dreams.