Thursday, January 26, 2006

Responses To YOUR Comments

this post is in response to those who commented on my last entry.

@ hassan... thank you for your kind words. i see my ex as God intended him to be and it will always be that way.

@professorgq... wow... i like being a beautiful soul in your eyes! i COULD have been upset but nothing productive could ever come of it.

@harpo... i would take that as being a positive force in HIS life. even if you didn't end up with him, the both of you are probably as he said, BETTER PEOPLE.

@mocha... A Beautiful Mind was the God's honest truth at that EXACT moment. i TRULY love beautiful minds!!! don't you?

@aziza... strength of character. i love that! thank you!!

@NYABG... forgiveness will come when YOU let it. my trick for "getting over" is just not looking back at what happened and not looking forward to what coulda been.

@shellyp... i LOVE you too!! i really do. it's so weird how we can be so much an observer of someone else's life and feel totally connected. the next time i make it out to florida... i'm barging in on you. :-)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I Was In Love With Your Beautiful Mind

My ex called me today after many, many moons. (See the pic when we WERE a happy couple). We've had no reason to talk. We don't have any children together. We've never owned anything jointly. Our marriage could have been beautiful but he thought it was time to bounce after two years of separation and well... I agreed. Actually, I was just plain tired of fighting to gain his love. Some of you saw me through the ENTIRE ordeal. You know who you are. For that, I am truly grateful and will be forever grateful. Please know that.

I was COMPLETELY blown away to hear his voice on the other end. Soon after our divorce was finalized, years ago, we attempted coaching each other through the heartache. But that wasn't working because he was stuck on what he thought was the biggest mistake of his life -- divorcing me. I had moved on and really wanted to see him get out of the rut he had dug for himself. There TRULY is no malice in my heart for that man. He will ALWAYS own a soft spot in my heart. There is no doubt about that but my heart is with the love of my life... the man who shares my bed EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT.... my husband! But that's another entry altogether.

So the ex called to ask me if I could send him a divorce decree. I told him I'd send him a copy. It was an awkward conversation, actually. Hours later, we spoke again. I just wanted to know what was really going on with him. Even though years and emotions have separated us, oddly, we still have an unbelievable psychic connection. NO JOKES! We do. He brought me up to speed. The death of his grandmother and that He's getting married.

Instantly, I felt a surge of emotion. Both happy and sad. The ex and I, after our divorce, had a conversation where I told him that EVERYONE, myself included and even God had forgiven him for his errors. He needed to forgive himself and move forward. So I'm happy for him. I'm happy that he's forgiven himself and can see his own self-worth and that maybe, just maybe he's FINALLY happy. He and I were meant to be a part of each others lives... even if it was just for a short moment. We were always good friends and I pray that we can remain that way even with our spouses. I mean that with all sincerity.... however, I don't think my husband feels quite the same way.

On the flip side, I felt a tinge of sadness. I even shed a tear when he told me the news. I kinda got used to KNOWING that he still wanted me back even after all these years. I felt comfortable that my love had so impressed him that he couldn't find a replacement. LOL... very selfish thinking on my part.

So Michael -- I wish you much joy and happiness. I wish you endless love. I wish you prosperity and posterity.... and a renewed love for LIFE. You are a BEAUTIFUL MIND!!

A Beautiful Mind... an expression I wrote for my ex. **sigh**

Monday, January 23, 2006

What Makes You Happy?

Just about a week and a half ago, my mother was in the beginning stages of a stroke. That wouldn't have been her first stroke. It would have been her third... this is how we were able to recognize it and act on it immediately... cuz we've been there, done that. My father rushed her to the ER and they brought her blood pressure down to a manageable level. We are all very grateful that she has been spared on so many occasions.

Here's where it gets interesting. I think she brings all this stress and excitement on herself. I truly do. I would hate to blab about her on here so I won't.

However, this evening I posed this question to her; I said, "Mom, what makes you happy?"

The evening news ran in the background as all the voices in the room fell silent.

My father added, "Would a million dollars make you happy?"

By now, I'm thinking that maybe this conversation is too exciteable for her. To my father, she said, "No."

Then I asked the question again, "What would make you happy?"

The woman had a tough time answering me but she sputtered, she stuttered then said, "Crocheting, gardening..." and that was it. That's all she said.

I told her, "Mom, that's what you should be doing."

She said, "I can't do that! What about all the other things I have to do?"

"Like what?"

"Like the laundry," she said.

"Leave it. Let me take care of it," I told her.

Still... with unbelief... as if to say that she is the only one that can do her laundry... she told me no. And this is the legacy of my mother... at least this is what it is as I write....

That happiness is for another day, on another occasion but just not today.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

You Leavin' At 55?

I told him SORRY


I said WHY



Superstar (Ruben Studdard)

Saturday, January 14, 2006

So You Fell Down

my first marriage was a series of heartbreaks. i had the opportunity to walk away but i didn't. i stayed and continued to be hurt OVER and OVER again.

i didn't walk because i wanted him to know FOREVER... that i never gave up on us. seems stupid now, to look back at how i used to think. so here are a few of my thoughts on what i've learned.

EVERY experience we have should teach us something... the ONLY lesson that seems to stick with people is the one thing that should be forgotten.

NEVER base your future on past results. getting hurt in a relationship DOES NOT mean that the rest of your relationships are doomed to fail. this is the thing that should be forgotten. past hurt only INSTILLS fear to try again. a hopeless existence has only one source and it is not the Creator.

however, NEVER do the same thing twice because you WILL get the same result. the lessons we should be picking up from our experiences in failed relationships is HOW it went bad and WHY it went bad.

we think that risking our heart was where we messed up. step back. take a look. is that really where you messed up? (if you think that, then you are stuck in your own little pity party.) OR was it because you allowed the other party to take advantage of you too many times UNTIL you lost your identity? ahhh... now you're thinking.

so you fell down. get up. dust yourself off and try again.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Cold Case

Did anybody catch the last episode of Cold Case? Its the show that comes on right after CSI.

The show left me with a great deal of sadness. Though we've heard the story told a million times before: gangster changes his life then is murdered in the streets, the dramatic interpretation is ALMOST always very moving, for me.

Everytime I watch something like this, I feel like I have to do something. I have to go out and save the youth of today from themselves. I have to change the community. Eradicate drugs. Teach people to be sovereign individuals. It seems as if I have a million ideas... then I get stuck in "analysis paralysis". That's right, I become paralyzed by my own thoughts. That's not productive at all.

So what do I do?
How do you contribute to positivity in your neighborhood?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Hauoli Makahiki Hou

Image hosted by Photobucket.comIsn't this pic beautiful? There's a seal that ALWAYS basks in the sun on this beach.... and it happens to be like a quarter mile from the crib. LOL...

Hauoli Makahiki Hou...that means Happy New Year in Hawaiian. This is how you pronounce it...

Thanks ShellyP for pulling me outta my slump! LOL...

Let's see, where do I begin?... I been so busy with the Holidays and a host of other things that I haven't been able to LURK around the blog world. I so enjoy that.

2005 was quite an experience for my immediate and extended family. Early in the year, husband and I went to Cancun. That experience has changed our lives for the better. We continue to step further and further towards the path we want to be on. I'm happy to say we're skipping along it now.

The summer of 2005 was a serious period of transition for husband and I. We BOTH kicked cigarettes and alcohol in June. However, we did backslide on Independence Day but only for that day then we were back at abstinence. That was kinda tough but its not so bad anymore. In fact, I can't imagine picking up a cigarette now. Also during Summer 2005, I cut ties with some of the influences in my life that seemed to lead me down dark paths. I returned to church, started playing piano and organ again and even started singing in the choir again as well. It's amazing what sobriety has done for me.

The fall of 2005 saw the tragic passing of my cousin, Tiara. REST IN PEACE. She was only 23 and left behind three children. In that same week, my Uncle Bill passed in Tennessee. He had returned to his home from my cousins funeral and died the VERY next day. It was tragic. So while my mother was away attending BOTH funerals, I was at home holding the fort down with my two younger brothers.

The end of 2005 brought another death. My aunt passed. She had a stroke a couple of years back and had suffered 'til her death. I think she held on for so long because her family was just falling apart. Her oldest child and her youngest were both in attendance. The eldest dressed in orange, the youngest dressed in green, both shackled and attended by state prison guards. My heart couldn't even be happy to see them because I knew that it'd be the last time I'd see them. **heavy sigh**

After all that change and transition, heartache and pain, I know that 2006 is the year for my family. I can just feel it in my bones and I'm very excited.