So Fragile So Broken

I am going through such a range of emotions in the writing of this novel. This is the longest I have stuck to the writing of my own novel. Projects that I have done as a "ghost writer" have been simple because the subjects are usually things that I am so disconnected from. However, the writing of this novel is forcing me to dig deep and feel emotions that I have buried for so long. It is very therapeutic to feel these things and at the same time gives me an awful remembrance of the hurt I have experienced. As much as I say I love to be in love, I think it's mostly to avoid having to feel these strong emotions of pain and suffering and of loss and longing. Maybe one day I will skip having to be so melancholy and on the verge of a depressive break down. My feelings of happiness from last week are lost on me today. I hope tomorrow will be warm and that the joy I felt just a few days ago will return.

I cannot continue this manic feeling of highs and lows and I surely don't want to pull anyone into this crazy roller coaster. I hate this and yet the tears that I shed are like drops of pain leaving me. I wish I didn't have to go through these emotions but I understand that this is part of my healing. I honor the lessons I have learned and I cherish the fact that I love so deeply and so complete. And I hope that one day someone will come along who can appreciate the depth of my soul and how much devotion and love I am capable of giving.

I started a post several months ago, after my divorce was complete. The post is called "Hashtag Perfect Man." In it, I talk incessantly about what the perfect man for me looks like. Every woman has different ideas on this. As I was reviewing the post, I am surprised at how lengthy it is and so specific. And it details things that are so surface and shallow and so unlike me but I really wanted to create the perfect guy in my minds eye so as to attract exactly what I had envisioned. I have not completed the post because I have not included the things of the heart. It's like I'm afraid to outline the things that will care for my heart, afraid that if I dreamed that big dream no man could ever fit that tall order. Moving forward, I cannot compromise the things that are most important to me and that is that someone will appreciate my heart and the depth of my soul. That my devotion to him will never be taken for granted. That my tenderness will never be used and stand unreciprocated. I don't think I am a high maintenance woman. I am definitely down to earth but not high maintenance. I do require a lot of attention, someone that will always think of me and show it in his actions.

There's a Jonathan Butler song called, Take Good Care of Me. The first time I heard it I was a pre-teen. Late 80's time frame. The lyrics have always been so beautiful to me. I don't know why I have always identified with the idea that I am a broken-hearted girl but I have. Perhaps my energy attracts all this pain and loss. I would not be surprised if that is the case. When I attended the Maxwell concert this past November, as we exited the arena and walked to the car my date asked me to sing a song for him. I selected this song. It was such a beautiful evening. I was feeling fantastic and euphoric at all the experiences of that particular weekend but especially that evening. It was so close to perfection where I felt whole and loved. The magic and the electricity of it all will never be forgotten. And even with all that magic, I know my heart is so afraid to trust again. And I don't want to be bitter and resentful but I think that maybe lonely is better than falling truly, madly, deeply in love again. I cannot experience anymore heartache. I don't want to.

I don't want to push away true love but I am so fragile and so broken. And even though I pretend to be strong and I constantly use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove, do I? Do I believe that my heart really has the capacity to love again? I can't even call it right now. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and allowing anyone into my private agony. And I don't want it to be agony for long. One day I hope that I will triumph over this sadness and live in that space where joy reigns. I spend so many mornings in tears as I wake alone in my bed. So many nights longing to be held as I fall asleep and wishing that my bed was not empty. Somehow my life is going on, one day at a time but I wish I could skip over all this heartache. I wish I had the resolve to say that tomorrow will be better but I will settle by just saying that I will try harder to let go of the pain. Maybe one day someone will crack through this hardened heart that is longing to be soft again.

I Wake Up & Feel So Happy

Yesterday. Today. Everyday, I wake up and feel so happy. I feel like there are fireworks going off inside of me. I have never been more sure of myself than I am today and I am so grateful. My life today is not what I had envisioned a year ago or even six months ago but everyday I move forward with confidence. And everyday, I feel more sure that my life could not be any other way than what it is right now.

I don't know what is on the horizon but I see my star continuing to rise. It is so clear. Clearer than it has ever been in my entire life. I will live the life of my dreams and I will have everything that my heart desires and deserves. And I deserve the fairy tale that I have put together in my head that includes my dream job of being a full-time author.

I don't know what love looks like for me in the future but I am not in a rush toward anything but taking care of me, for right now. Even though I still straddle that line between rekindling the old or fostering the brand new, I am only concerned about my own mental and emotional well-being. It sounds selfish and you can call it that. I'm okay with being called selfish. It's not the first time or the last since someone has called me that. One can either stay with me for the ride or not. There are no guarantees that I will be the same me a year from now that I am today.

I know that new love is magical and exciting. And we find these sparks of fire under the strangest of circumstances. Two souls meet and exchange real energy and chemistry. One can either follow it or let it die where it is and always wonder about what could have been. I am not one to wonder. I am curious and thoughtful about everything and that includes the magic of new love. And I don't know where it will lead. No one does. One thing is for sure - what I know about me is that I am the most loyal chic, ride-or-die, down-for-whatever, and I can be the best partner a man could ever have. That is the real-est truth about me. So whether I follow new love or let my path lead back to old love, when I give my heart, I am giving my life for as long as they will have me. I did it with my first husband and I was there for my second husband and I kick myself sometimes for letting them dictate when they would leave me. And they both left me!

I can say that much of my healing has a lot to do with my mind's acceptance of hope for the future. Today and all of my tomorrow's are not so bleak and foreboding anymore. I am actually excited to see what is ahead of me. About six months ago I couldn't even plan 15 minutes ahead because I was so depressed and the world just looked so dark and unappealing. I lost so much weight. I didn't have an appetite. I was just not happy at all. I didn't stay very long in that dark place and I am grateful to have made it out from beneath that grey cloud.

I feel so alive in such a genuine way. I almost feel ready to let go of some of the "crutches" I have acquired in the last six months. Almost. I move forward with nothing but positive vibes in my body and a mind so determined to achieve all of my wildest dreams. Here I am Universe -- use me for your greatest good!

Happy, Even

This morning I feel as light as a feather.

As many of my blog followers know, I have been working on my first novel. I have started several novels before, wrote the first chapter then just stopped. But this one, the one I'm working on now, has so much fuel and fire on it that I have no option but to write, write, and finish it. I have taken out my old journals for inspiration so that I can push through the writing. I have an aggressive goal of completing the first draft by the end of April. This would mean that I have to write about 10,000 words per week. If I write six days a week, that's about 1,700 words a day. Aggressive, I know! I am already behind so there is a lot of catching up to do this week. If I combined what I write in my handwritten journal with this blog and what I add to my novel, I would kill the 1,700-words-per-day goal.

So why do I feel light as a feather today?

Well, I pulled out my journals the other day to make my second video on my YouTube Channel. (I posted the video of me talking about my journals.) I decided to read my journals for inspiration and let me tell you the emotion was coming off the page. I cried and sobbed as I read. And it was THE UGLY cry, the stutter cry with stuff coming out of my nose and tears flowing from my eyes. It was not pretty.

Everyone gets one first love. Mine happens to be my first husband. So much of who I am today was shaped because of that first love and the heartbreak of that first love. We have been through so much together and in some of my hardest times, he was the only one standing with me. I knew I loved him when we had our first real conversation. And my love is true ride-or-die love. I don't have any quit in me. Reading the journals was like revisiting the hurt because of my devotion to that man. At the end of our relationship, he really had nothing left for me. No affection. No love. No care for me. Reading through those emotions and events of unrequited love really sent me into a crying fit.

Last night I sent a facebook message to him with some of the journal entries that I had read. He did not recall treating me so cruelly and perhaps he did not think he was doing that. But since I was on the receiving end of his inability to show me love, I am the teller of the story. He allowed me to express my hurt. I cried and cried as I read and wrote those words to him. It was like a small weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt that pain again, expressed it to the man that I had once loved with complete abandon, and then I let it go.

You may wonder why I am dealing with my first husband. I believe much of my current issues has to do with that first heartbreak. As I revamp my life and reinvent me, I'm taking my hurt alllll the way back to when I first felt my heart break and that was with my first husband. When I've healed from that I will make my way forward to my current divorce. Of course it messes with me that two men left me in my short 41 years. I can't say why nor do I understand it at the present moment. I don't know what I do that is deplorable to them that they cannot stay committed to the relationship. What I know is that I am a damn good woman even if they cannot see my value. I move forward with so many lessons learned and no love lost. I am still as excited about love as I have always been. New love. Butterflies in my belly. Bring on that crazy kinda love that sets off fireworks in my soul. I'm ready!

I know there is much healing ahead of me and that this will probably not be my last cry session. But for today I feel great. Light as a feather. Happy, even.

I Don't Need to Rehash a Damn Thing

Dear Ex,

You cannot come into my life when you're feeling some kind of way just to get things off your chest. I don't need texts like this in the morning:
Neena...not to rehash, but your a great person.. great wife and the more I think about I realize we can both be free do to pursue our OWN goals. It really wasn't about you. Just so you know

I really don't need texts like that to color my day. If I had the courage right now, I would tell you to stop texting me and yet I hold on, hoping that maybe one day you might want me back. But I don't even know if that's what I want. Do I want to live in the gray area that we've been in for the last couple of years? No! I want to feel my blood coursing through my veins, hot and flaming and never fall into a funk where I forgot the woman I am.

So, before you send off a text where you are trying to make yourself feel better about breaking my heart - DON'T! I don't need to hear it. I don't need to rehash anything. I have made peace with your leaving and I never want to rehash any of these feelings of heartache again. Not from you. Not from anyone who has ever broken my heart. You don't get to do a do-over with me.

The way you treated me when you told me you wanted a divorce and the immediate days after our break up was probably the worst thing I have ever experienced (aside from the loss of my mother). The way you made it seem like I was the enemy still makes my stomach turn when I think about it. I know that I am a damn good woman and a damn good wife. You treated me like I was some skank off the street trying to trap you, like I did something wrong to you. When I cried throughout this process, you looked at me with such disgust that even now I am amazed that you ever loved me.

So, don't text me with your guilty conscience texts. I don't want to hear your regret or your mantra trying to convince yourself that divorcing me is the best thing for both of us. Since we did it, we might as well keep moving ahead. Trust me when I say that you will NEVER have the opportunity to be with me again. EVER. And it's not because I don't love you because Lord knows I do. It's because of how you treated me in those final days. Call me bitter. Call me whatever you want. Just know that I am so done with you!

Love,


NeenaLove

Like any uncharted territory

I must seem greatly intriguing

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

But this is not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

I don't think you worthy

I need a moment to deliberate