What Were You Born To Do?

My life was aimless until I realized what I was born to do. I was born to write and to put into words the thoughts in my mind, my observations about love and life, and the discoveries that I have made along the way. I will always believe that LOVE conquers all. Why it took me 42 years to discover that I was born to write is a reflection on the environment I thrived in. I cannot blame my parents but I am a product of their upbringing. Let me be clear - I am grateful for how my parents raised me. Parents do the best they can with the tools they have. However, reflecting back on all the twists and turns in my life, I have realized that what they were pushing me towards never quite fit my personality and yet there is no regret in how my life has panned out.

I have lived 42 years (43 in August) doing what I thought my parents wanted me to do...
     -Education (Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy)
     -Stable job (I have worked full-time since I graduated from High School)
This seems to be the hope of every parent - that their children be productive members of society. And this is a worthy goal. If I were a parent, I would add two more components to what parents hope for their children. First, that they find what it is that makes them come alive and second, that they are happy. So often, we live to fulfill the hopes and dreams of our parents and then after achieving whatever it is they wanted, we are left unfulfilled. We get so busy doing the business of living, never sitting back to contemplate what it is that brings us to life. We hardly take the time to ponder our individual purpose for being on this planet at this time. We have all been given special gifts that are unique to us. My gift is writing. Not just writing but writing from the most genuine and authentic part of my soul.

I am middle-aged. *insert shock emoji* Yes. I just admitted it. I accept my timeline. And if I could go back in time; if I could reimagine my life, I would have pursued this 'writing thing' a long time ago. But it's never too late to do the thing that I want most to do.

I spoke to my 17-year old niece other day. I was probing her about her college choices since she will beginning her senior year in high school this Fall. She had two picked out in Hawai'i and one in New York City. If I remember correctly, the New York school is a performing arts college. I told her to chase the dream. Don't work on your Plan B by taking up something practical that you think might be easier to "find a job" after college. No. Chase the Dream! She is concerned with paying for school, which is why she selected the two Hawai'i colleges. This isn't the first time that I have told her to pursue the dream. I try to drill it into my nieces and nephews minds so that they find the thing that makes them the most happiest to do.

Not only would I have pursued writing at a younger age, I would have also taken up something in the arts. On my father's side, he and his siblings are all very creative people. They paint (both acrylic and oil) and are crafty. We all have "artsy eyes." My graphic design and my floral design has a definite source that comes from my father's side of the family. I have several cousins that are also artsy.

So what is the point of this post? What I hope you leave with is a sense of examining your life. Some of us will always be content with the 9 to 5 job and some of us will always be seeking for more control of your time to do the thing we love most. So what is it that you love most? And then if you do know what you love most, what are you going to do about it?

I'm In Love With Another Man

My 16-year old niece shared this song with me over the Christmas Break. I'm In Love With Another Man performed by Jazmine Sullivan. Scroll down, I embedded the YouTube video at the bottom of this post. Maybe you can play it while you read this post.

I don't know if she understands the lyrics of the song but she had this on repeat (along with The Greatest Showman soundtrack) every day. Today, as I did my lunchtime walkabout around the State Capitol here in Columbia, South Carolina, the song came up on my playlist. As I listened to the lyrics and to the nuances of Jazmine's voice and the rising intensity of the song, I hoped that my niece identifies with that rather than the lyrics. Surely, she's much too limited in experience to understand the dilemma, right?!

As I made my way along the sidewalks of Downtown Columbia, I placed the song on REPEAT. I was immediately thrown back to the spring of 1994. My boyfriend at the time was a lovely man. Well, without divulging too much about myself in relation to him, we were in love even with all the obstacles that should have kept us apart. I thought I was in love. I thought what he and I had was love. Up until that point, what he and I had is what I would define as LOVE. Then one hot and sunny April day, while my boyfriend was away for work, I met someone else.

I wish I could say that I was a good girlfriend and turned away from the advances of the "someone else." But I didn't. I had a terrible headache the day I met someone else and I was grouchy, tired, probably dehydrated, and I just wanted to sleep. My friends that I was hanging with were in full-party-mode and the chances were slim of me finding somewhere to lay my head to rest and nurse my aching head.

If I could, could forget him
I would, please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby, it's not, not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I were sane there'd be no competition

The song's lyrics set up a likely dilemma for a soap opera. Girl has a boyfriend. Girl falls in love with someone else. Someone else is not as nice as her boyfriend but she wants to break from her boyfriend anyway. My situation in 1994 is almost like that but not. I had a boyfriend and I meet someone else and fall in love with someone else. However, unlike the lyrics of the song, someone else treated me just as good, if not better than the boyfriend. So the position of the song doesn't quite fit with my situation but it reminded me of it nonetheless.

I wish I could say that my break from the boyfriend was drama free but it so wasn't. Someone Else stood by me through the many ups and downs that accompanied a relationship with me and the crazy break up with my boyfriend. I knew he was going to be someone special to me the minute I laid my eyes on him. We were driving past him and his friends. He was sitting on a car laughing. I will never forget that strange feeling I had when I saw him and this was before we even met formally. Like I said, I wish I were a better girlfriend and remained true to my man but that was not in the stars. Someone else stole me away. Well, I wouldn't say stole because I went with him willingly. Whole-heartedly.

It was just going to be a fling. That's what I had put into my mind. Boyfriend would never be the wiser. That is not how it turned out. When "someone else" and I met, there was a definite buzz between us. Electricity. Sparks. Flames. Hell, it was a fire even with the gnawing headache that I was nursing. After meeting that Sunday evening, flirting, we exchanged numbers then parted ways. There was no denying the attraction between us and I was curious where the sparks would lead.

MONDAY LUNCH TIME - He calls me. We make plans to meet up again. I was so impressed that he called when he said he would.... and the butterflies fluttered aimlessly through my belly.

MONDAY NIGHT - A few of my girls accompanied me to his apartment. After all, we just met and I wasn't comfortable going there by myself. His room mates were there also. And with all the people around us, both he and I just wanted to be alone. The animal attraction between us was sparking hotter than it was the night before. We were both being polite for all the other people there. If they weren't there, our lips would have locked a whole lot sooner. Instead, we kissed as I was attempting to leave with my girls and the rest is history.

I saw him the entire time that boyfriend was off on a work trip. I was instantly smitten by "the someone else" and I knew I could not return to my boyfriend. I tried. I really did. Someone else and I even agreed to continue seeing each other even after my boyfriend returned. I was not happy with boyfriend. Suddenly, he wasn't enough. I tried to pretend that nothing happened while boyfriend was away but I could not forget the way someone else made me feel, the endless conversations we had, how he loved my body, how I felt so safe, and there was just no way to deny that I had fallen madly, deeply in love with someone else.

Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him
When I'm with him, ain't nothing else like it
I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can't go on pretending
Cause I love him, I love him
And I'm so sorry, do you hear me?
I'm so sorry but I love that man
I love that man

In the end - it happened just like the song.

I'm in love with another man
And I'm so sorry, hey
But I love someone else

NeenaLove Epiphanies: Moana Movie

I am on a flight headed home to Hawai'i but this journey home is different.

I will be 42 in exactly one month. I have blogged continuously in recent months that this is not exactly what 42 is supposed to look like for me. And I have made crucial decisions in recent days and weeks that will move me in an entirely different direction. If there is any time that I should reinvent myself, now is the time.

Interestingly enough, I am watching Disney's Moana cartoon. When I saw this movie in the theatre, I cried my eyes out. There are so many similarities to my life in this movie. In typical Pacific Island cultures, a single woman remains home until she is married off. Well, I am the survivor of two failed marriages and my father is now worried about my well-being, about me being "taken care of," and his concern for my safety. I get it. I get that a parent wants to keep their child safe and far, far away from unnecessary risk and danger. However, I have been on my own for a very long time and am fully capable of caring for my temporal needs. I appreciate that I have such a concerned father and my brothers are ALWAYS, ALWAYS looking out for me. I feel so "spoiled" by them.

Though I can care for my temporal needs, I often find myself so needy for emotional support. A very special person has consistently stepped up, offering his time and his ears and priceless counsel on my broken heart. My closest friends have also been so pivotal in my healing. Whether it was offering a welcome distraction with a late night trip to the bar, buying me an airplane ticket to get off the rock, sitting next to me and crying like she was getting divorced too, temporarily elevating the mood with a lil something, or just giving positive vibes -- I am so grateful for my dearest friends and family. I should be so lucky, so blessed, to be loved by so many people.

There's a part in the movie where her father forbids her from going beyond the reef. And yet Moana is constantly called by the horizon. Her inner voice beckons her to follow the call to go beyond the reef and yet she must balance that voice with her obedience to her father and cultural traditions. I feel that right now - I love that I have such a good relationship with my father and I know he only wants the best for me but there is something far greater calling me to rise to my highest potential. And it requires me to sacrifice the things that I love right now to move toward my life goals. And I see my biggest dreams as so tangible and so within my reach if I just make these sacrifices right now. If I want something different from my life then I have to take different actions. Now. Now is the time to reinvent myself! Also, at the end of the day I need to carve out a life for myself independent of my life with my father and my brothers.

Another thing that I absolutely adore is Moana's relationship with her grandmother. Her grandmother can see Moana's potential so clear and is the right support system to allow Moana to have enough confidence in herself to pursue her dream. Gramma sings to Moana:
You may hear a voice inside 
And if the voice starts to whisper 
To follow the farthest star 
Moana, that voice inside is who you are
I always want to see everyone I come in contact with as God sees them. And I support everyone's most positive ambitions. As I hear a voice whispering, no, shouting at me to change direction in my life, I am going to listen to it. It is who I am and what I was born to do. I can see my star rising. It is so extraordinarily clear.

Oprah's Master Class: Morgan Freeman

Oprah's Master Class: Morgan Freeman

I love Morgan Freeman! I loved him before watching Oprah's Master Class. After watching Master Class, I love him even more.

His story is so inspiring.
About Never giving up.
About Courage.
About Providence.
"If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up a little too much space..."

This particular quote has reinvigorated me. Sometimes I get so sidetracked by my world's (read: the people around me) expectation of who I should be. My husband wants me to be a certain way. My family want me to be a certain way. My culture. My religious affiliation. All of these forces have a certain expectation of me of which I'm not certain is authentically me.

Living on the edge means taking more chances without fear of failure. Consciously, I have never been afraid of failure. Especially in recent years. However, people around me have more than enough fear for me. Where others see risk, I see opportunity and I long to move toward it. Though I have no fear of doing things, I do have fear of not pleasing those around me. Of course I want to meet and/or exceed my husband's expectations. Of course I want to be the kind of daughter/ sister/ aunt/etc. that everyone has become accustomed to. But can I really be all those things and still be the authentic me?

Which brings me to my next point. Perhaps I need a little more courage, not to brave the unknown but to stand for my authentic self.

I feel so suffocated by religion. In a universe of infinite creation and growth, how can there be only one way to the Creator? And then at the end of this lifetime, when I am rebirthed into another existence, will any of the dogmatic, religious, theological, doctrinal beliefs really matter? Can we not function in the universe and love each other, as human beings, without the weight of our differences? What if, in the horizon of new consciousness, we find out that God is in me and you and in every person on the planet? Why is it not enough to nurture that?

Let me move toward the edge and throw myself INTO LIVING COLOR rather than the dull existence of black and white print.

In the Master Class, Morgan Freeman closes with the following words:

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste
Knowing what peace there is in silence

and it goes on...
NO DOUBT THE UNIVERSE IS UNFOLDING AS IT SHOULD

Be at peace with yourself
You are as important as the stars

Providence is that unseen force that directs and moves our lives in the paths that we are destined to trod. Some call it God. I don't quite know what to make of it except that I have a strong impression that my destiny is unfolding as we speak, in the way that it should, without my prompting it or forcing it. I look forward to my purpose unfolding where I pray that I will be as free as a bird, untethered by the burden of dogma.

Be at peace with yourself
You are as important as the stars


Thank you Oprah and Morgan Freeman for inspiring me.

Life Lessons Remembered

Random Facebook quote that I LOVE:

When people walk away from you...

Let them go...

Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people.

It just means that their part in your story is over.

I often think of my ex-husband when I see quotes like this. I know it sounds funny but I knew he was only going to be in my life for a short season. Most of our relationship was spent apart even before we were married. There's that little voice in your mind that whispers truth. In that whisper I have known/knew what the fate of our relationship would be. Today and even then, I was okay with it.

I have to admit that I learned so much from him about myself. The two biggest lessons....

1. What I had to learn quick is that his opinion of me (he walked away) should not determine my own opinion of self. After he left... all I could say was WOW to the new me. I think I dropped like 60 pounds in a matter of months. I regained half of it back but it was fun while it lasted.

2. I can do hard things. That was a big lesson! Divorce is difficult especially when all you want to do is LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. CRAZY LOVE. I got through it. Yeah, I can do hard stuff!

So even though he left me high and dry and divorced me, (See the story here and here and all throughout this blog. The topic is absolutely redundant.) my life has moved on in an awesome direction. Even though I tear up when I read my posts about the divorce and remember the heart ache in each and every goodbye, I also remember that I made it through. Our story together is complete however the lessons learned linger on.

I'm not sure if he ever thinks of me. I have no ill feelings toward him. In a way, I still have love for him; the way a student has love for a special teacher. I am grateful for his presence in my existence. The divorce pushed me beyond what I thought possible.

In gratitude, I bow to the lessons I have learned.

Never to be again....

Submitting to the Light

This semester, I am taking PHIL 410. This course is part of my academic plan since I am a Philosophy major. The topic of the course is God and World. The text is really good. It's by Karen Armstrong entitled A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. This week is mid-terms. What I really enjoy about classes online is that there aren't any "exams". Instead of an examination - midterm or final - most online professors prefer a term paper. This is totally fine with me. I love that I get to write about topics that I actually enjoy. I don't really care for this particular professor. He comes off as a guy that wants to be right all the time rather than someone attempting to nurture the thought process. He is very condescending toward most of the students. It's irritating but totally off subject.

He dropped the term paper topic list today. I love every single topic on his list. How can I choose just one? Here are the topics:

-Jewish Groups at the time of Jesus and the Concept of the Messiah
-Jesus in Historical Context
-Gnostic Gospels
-Deism
-Contemporary Commentary on the Koran from a Feminist Perspective
-Christian Mysticism
-Concept of Sin
-Major Figures (select one from this list: http://www.theology.ie/theologs.htm)

What I love about Philosophy is how much I explore into the mindset of thinkers throughout the history of the modern WESTERN world and the advent of religion and the social structures that either support it or discard it. I have had several epiphanies over the course of my studies. I am nearly done and will graduate with a Bachelors of Arts Degree in Philosophy within the year. I don't really consider this an accomplishment because I have never liked the idea of college. Taking college courses and pursuing this degree was more a matter of accessing the funds that are made available to native Hawaiians through Kamehameha Schools.

I appreciate that many of the subjects I have explored throughout my studies have been topics that were outside of my experience. However, I don't think that a college degree is an indicator of how well a person can think. I say this because I have encountered many people (I work at a private university) who have difficulty utilizing their critical thinking skills. My social interactions with my family, friends, in my community, and even online have been colored with shallow/narrow conceptions of various topics. In an abundant universe with an infinite number of possibilities, I find it increasingly difficult to remain so fixed in my position on the topic of religion and philosophy, any topic. I am but a small speck in the large universe with very little understanding of infinity. I conclude that I couldn't possibly know everything. I cannot make declarations that will be fixed for eternity because, well, in a second that declaration could be overturned by new information.

I submit to the eternal search for light, love, knowledge, and truth. I do not search for these things to gain leverage over another. Rather, I search for these qualities only to understand, to feel compassion, to express kindness for all living entities in the universe. I want to share my light. I want my light to burn brighter.

Can you dig it?

BTW: the topic I selected is Christian Mysticism.

The Epiphany

Choosing a disciplined life has its perks and the flip side is fraught with temptation and difficult choices. Having lived a portion of my life following the path of hedonism, sometimes I miss the life I left behind... the carefree-ness of everything carnal. Alcohol was a favorite of mine. Slushy, yummy drinks, and an entire segment of nightlife suddenly open to me again -- the thought was/is alluring. I have spent many weekends in the last couple of months wholly preoccupied with the idea of indulging.

Then something happened this weekend; something so simple, so quiet, so peaceful, something I'm not sure I was really looking for. It was a revelation! An epiphany.

Nothing is ever coincidence. I'm absolutely sure of that. Every random act is not random at all but are necessary events to help me reach my potential. So as I sat in the 3PM session of the Laie Hawaii Temple Rededication on Sunday -- a session that I hadn't planned on attending because I had made other plans -- found myself contemplating how husband and I had suddenly obtained tickets.

The Creator knows me. He knows my heart and my desire to be better than I am today. He knows my struggle and my battle with my previous lifestyle. One of the speakers expressed,


OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY TO TRUE FREEDOM!

That simple phrase caused the wheels in my head to start turning and I found myself understanding my struggle and seeing it for what it really is. It's like a "lightbulb went on". (Thank you Mrs. Leger for using that phrase in the comment section. It's so appropriate!)

The epiphany: I have been alcohol/drug/tobacco-free for five years. I have been blessed for eliminating those particular things that don't serve me. I have conquered it. Why would I turn back?

Immediately, all my desire to return to my former life left me. I'm grateful for an all-knowing CREATOR who is so mindful of all my needs.

Photo Blog: Thanksgiving Point, Utah

This past weekend I was able to visit the Botanical Gardens at Thanksgiving Point. I was thoroughly impressed with the beautiful surroundings. As soon as you exit the ticketing area and onto the path that leads to the main gardens, the sound of rushing water enters the ear canal. For me, that is always a comforting sound. Some of the flowers were in bloom. I can imagine what it will be like in a few weeks when nearly all of the tulips are in full bloom and all the other flowers also.

I hope you enjoy these beautiful pictures. I took them with my camera phone. I'm amazed at how good the pictures come out. I should have taken my "real" camera with me but I didn't think we'd be able to leisurely stroll around the grounds. Absolutely gorgeous!

Water rushing over pebbles and stones and river rock is not only beautiful but the sound... priceless!

Waterfalls are so beautiful! The way it erodes away the rock and makes it smooth is such an amazing feat. Sea Glass starts out as a regular piece of glass that is dropped into the ocean and is worn away by the ocean, the tides, and the abrasive sand. God's world is so perfect!

Photo Blog: Highway 40/ Colorado

My husband and I made it to our destination. Except for the drama that binds us to my in-laws, we made it here unscathed. I am always so extremely humbled when I make it somewhere after traveling over thousands of miles in one piece. I have to say that Highway 40, through northern Colorado, has got to be one of the most beautiful drives I've ever done. I'm really glad that our GPS took us through those mountains.

We hit the highway at about 5 in the morning. We caught a gorgeous sunrise. Everything was so calm and peaceful. The wildlife, like deer and moose, were out foraging for food. Because we were way off the interstate, traffic was non-existent. There weren't any cars or trucks for miles and miles. It was very peaceful to ride in such an idyllic setting. My mind became very aware of the universe and the eternal-ness of life. So often we get caught up doing big things that have little consequence on the state of our soul and conversely do little things that have big impact on our peace of mind.

I offer these pictures as a small glimpse into the beauty of Highway 40. It was taken with my phone. I wish I could have stopped every thirty minutes to take photo's with my real camera but we really needed to make up some time. The world, the universe is so beautiful. I thank my creator for the natural wonders that are around me. Thank you for allowing me to witness the magic.

What Not to Wear Therapy

This past Saturday TLC was running a What Not to Wear marathon. I DVR'd all the episodes that I didn't previously see and reviewed them later on in the evening. The premise of the show is to take a person that is fashion-challenged and make them over - new $5,000 wardrobe, hair, and makeup. I adore the hosts of the show Stacy & Clinton. Stacy reminds me of my cousin Honey Girl so she already has major brownie points with me. I remember when I lived in Kansas, I used to tune in to see Stacy because she looked like Honey Girl and I felt like I was back home again. That is the reason I became a fan of the show. Crazy but true. Clinton -- he's so fashion-savvy and soooo the guy next door. He reminds me of the character on My Best Friends Wedding, George, played by Rupert Everett. I wonder if Clinton is gay. He teeters on that fine line between being a "straight" male that has slightly fem attitude and a "straight" gay guy. Dare I google him?

Anyway, what amazes me about the whole process is how the person being made over sometimes experiences a "shift". Sometimes --no-- majority of the time, the person begins to change how they think just by overhauling the cosmetic parts of them (fashion, hair, and makeup). I wonder if this is why plastic surgery and bariatric surgery has become so trendy.

There was a moment in a particular episode that had me thinking about my own life. A Caucasian woman, age 52 from Texas donned one of her favorite outfits. Stacy and Clinton direct her to the 360 room (the room is round and the wall is all mirrors) where she talks about where she'd wear the outfit and all the reasons she loves it. She discloses that the outfit was purchased sometime in the early 80's. She absolutely adored the skirt set but any observer could see that it was not working for her. When Stacy and Clinton open the room to talk about the outfit, the first thing Clinton asks is, "What was going on in your life when you purchased this outfit?" The woman said that the early 80's was when she was the most happy she had ever been. Clinton told her that her emotional attachment to the outfit has more to do with what was going on in her life when she first began wearing the outfit and was doing nothing for her body.

In that moment, when Clinton lays out such a 'revealing revalation', I instantly think of my favorite shirt that I refuse to get rid of. I have never been able to figure out why it remains hanging in my closet. I just know that I take it with me everywhere. Normally, if I haven't worn an item in 6 months, it goes straight to the donation pile. This favorite shirt will probably never make it there unless a fashion intervention by Stacy and Clinton ambushes me.

 

  

 

Clinton mentioning the sentimental value reminded me of the extreme "shift" that was happening with me when I used to wear this particular shirt. The shirt was actually something I raided from a dear friend's closet. I thought it looked better on me than it did on her. She agreed and off it went with me to my house. This was happening when I was newly single, immediately after signing divorce papers. I felt pretty in that shirt and red happens to be one of my most favorite colors! So after signing divorce papers, I really began to fall in love with me. Hindsight being 20/20, I look back at that period in my life and recognize the "shift" in my mindset. I'm thinking that maybe the shirt reminds me of that "shift".

I emerged from that divorce a brand-new-me. Though I was miserably sad, I was also hopeful. I knew that I would never settle for mediocre treatment for the sake of saying, "I got a man". I would never settle for a relationship void of enduring love ever again. I would never, ever let someone walk all over my heart or shatter it in a thousand pieces. I valued me! I do believe all of 'that' is wrapped up in that one article of clothing.

Some people will never experience a "shift". They'll continue to live the same abusive day OVER AND OVER. The beautiful thing is that in every single moment, they can choose a different ending. You can choose a different beginning!

* * * * * * * * * *
What Not to Wear Photo Credit

Shaking Off Normal

What is NORMAL?

I suppose NORMAL is different for everybody. If I looked at my immediate family, NORMAL would mean marriage (the LDS way), children soon after, and then husband and wife fall into a cycle of work at a 9 to 5 to care for the children. Before you know it, life has passed by. Growing up with my cultural heritage and with my religious foundation, NORMAL (according to what I just described) would be what was waiting for me after high school.

But... NORMAL is so far from the life I'm leading now. It takes a bit of courage to not do the NORMAL thing especially if that is what you're conditioned to do. If I had to, I'd know how to do NORMAL. If NORMAL is where life would lead me, I could do NORMAL. But the Universe, the Creator, my God does not see NORMAL for me and I'm quite alright with that.

I suppose I've always had dreams of traveling the world, working for the Peace Corps, visiting Africa, walking the Great Wall of China, serving my people in Samoa, hiking the Outback, studying at an ashram in India, learning Buddhism and Zen at the feet of a great teacher, sleeping in an Igloo in the Eskimo tradition. There are just so many things on my "bucket list" that NORMAL will just have to wait. Or maybe that's just the story I tell myself, that NORMAL is not for me because NORMAL seemed to have stopped after the "marriage" thing because my womb has been barren; unable to conceive. **shrugs** I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life except I know that NORMAL is just not for me.

It does take a great deal of courage for me to live this life. My last job was so dead-end and so NORMAL that it was sucking the very life out of me. Life was meant to be lived and experienced rather than spent behind a desk. I suppose I have exercised some influence over the college students that have fallen under my stewardship. That has the power to ripple forward, hopefully in a positive manner. I don't regret that portion of it. I actually have a special place in my heart for the few guys and gals that I worked with. Leaving that to come here could possibly be a good thing. We'll see how it all pans out in 2010.

I'm in school now. I can't believe I have successfully been able to finish off one semester. 12 credit hours under my belt in NO TIME. Another 3 will be done by tomorrow. Pretty good for a girl that absolutely HATED the idea of college. These classes are going by so quickly, some so tediously, yet I'm moving right along. I have to get this Bachelors degree before I even think about applying for the Peace Corps. Husband will be nearly done with his Masters program soon and has already applied to a PhD program and the TeachAmerica program.

With the things we've already planned out, I know I'm not going to be in Alabama forever. I'm so grateful for that! Alabama is sucking the life out of me too. Our exit date for Alabama will be by next Fall. I'm so glad! I really do hate this place and I'm trying really hard to like it. I am just not content being here. I feel thoroughly unfulfilled by life here in Alabama and I always reflect back to the beauty I left in Hawai'i and the busy-ness of family.

Though my in-laws are excellent people, they are somewhat recluse and have very little interaction with other families. I'm used to large family gatherings (with close friends and "orphan families") every weekend and especially during the holidays. The complete opposite is true here. No one comes around. The family doesn't go anywhere and I just rather be in the islands, playing Pictionary til our parents tell us we're too loud (even though we're grown now). I'd rather be around all of that, in the most beautiful tropical, breezy paradise than here, cooped up in a house that circulates the same air over and over again. My parents, my family are more adventurous. Their minds are so wide open. I miss that.

I miss Hawai'i.

But anyway, as I shake off NORMAL, I know that I will find the path that will best serve the Creator. When I find it, it will open up in front of me without much effort and I will step right into it with ease and live with NO REGRETS!

An Excerpt: Historical Basis for European Conquest

The following passage is an excerpt from the research paper I wrote that I referenced to in the last post. I was very shocked by the amount of power the Catholic Church/ Pope wielded in the centuries following the death of Christ. I surmise that that power extends into the present day. It could possibly be a great thesis to explore.

To give a background, the title of my paper was Solving the "Indian Problem": The Institutional Genocide of Native Americans. Perhaps I should post the entire paper. I just might do that!

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on the content of this post. (My own commentary at the end of the excerpt.)

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Several instances in history illustrate how religion was used to control the population. The Islamic conquest of India comes to mind. Its precepts so divided the people of India, who were predominantly Hindu, that they were unable to unite against the Muslim regime. The Muslim ruler instituted a heavy tax for citizens that did not convert to the Islamic faith and thus used it as a tool to both control and generate revenue.[1] In either circumstance, it benefited the “institution” rather than the citizen.

In similar fashion, the European colonists to America sought to convert and civilize the indigenous population using the Christian religion. Prior to Columbus voyage across the Atlantic, Pope Nicholas V issued a papal bull, “declaring war against all non-Christians throughout the world, and specifically sanctioning and promoting the conquest, colonization, and exploitation of non-Christian nations and their territories”.[2] In effect, this edict became the basis for U.S. Supreme Court opinions in regards to the “discovery” and conquest by European Christian nations of America and its heathen (non-Christian) inhabitants. In other words, the Native American’s became occupants of America rather than sovereign nations, based on religious affiliation. [3]

One of the early British colonies in the new world sought to divide themselves “for license to make habitation, and plantation, and to deduce a colony into Virginia, and other parts in America …not actually possessed by any Christian Prince or People…” In response, the King dispatched to his subjects in Virginia:

The King, greatly commending and graciously accepting of their desires to the furtherance of so noble a work, which may, by the Providence of Almighty God, hereafter tend to the Glory of His Divine Majesty, in propagating of Christian Religion to such people, as yet live in darkness, and miserable ignorance of the true knowledge and worship of God, and may in time bring the Infidels and Savages living in those parts, to human civility and to a settled and quiet Government… [4]

It is this psychology that the colonists brought with them from Europe to justify their eventual takeover of the America’s. The British had adopted, under direction from “heaven” (papal bull), the need to Christianize the world. This directly contributes to the intended genocide of the Native American as well as other non-Christians throughout the world in the sixteenth century.

Sources:
[1] William J. Duiker and Jackson J. Spielvogel, World History, Fifth, Vol. I: To 1800 (Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth, 2007). [Pg 250]

[2] Steve Newcomb, Indigenous Law Institute, http://ili.nativeweb.org/sdrm_art.html (accessed October 18, 2009).

[3] Ibid

[4] W. Noel Sainsbury, ed., Calendar of State Papers, Colonial Series, America and West Indies, 1675-1676, Also Addenda, 1574-1674 [electronic resource], ed. W. Noel Sainsbury (London: Eyre and Spottiswoode, 1893). [Pg 32]

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When I was a young child and on up until adulthood, my father and I discussed the political influence of the Catholic church. He told me that The Vatican, in Rome, is considered a country. The Pope and any emissary travelling to the United States on behalf of The Vatican are treated as political leaders, complete with Federal detail sent from The White House.

What would prompt such attention from a government? Do other religious leaders garner this type of concern or is the political influence of the Catholic church that powerful?

**Photo Source

Journaling

Lately I've been doing all my writing in my personal diary. There's some kind of connection between handwriting and creativity. I seem to blossom with idea's when I hand-write in my journal. That's where all my stories and opinions have been going. I thoroughly miss BLOGGING so I'm here today, right now, in this hallowed land of words. **giggles**

I don't remember at what age I knew I loved writing. I remember in the 4th grade, my Language Arts teacher, Miss Elly Tepper, conducted a weekly journal session. It would take place right after lunch recess. She'd shut off the lights and start a meditation to calm us down to get in "the zone". For some, this exercise was challenging. Some folks didn't know how to calm down, didn't know how to be silent and sit still. For me, it was an absolute treat. What thrilled me is the power I had to write about anything I wanted to. Fiction or reality, it was all up to me. I admit that I embellished the truth a lot in those days and probably created more drama in that composition book than any 4th grader then. At the end of the exercise, we'd turn our books into Miss Tepper. She'd read the journal entries, make a few comments with her red pen, then give them back to us the following week.

My mother encouraged me from a young age to keep a daily diary. I have volumes and volumes of my journals to pass on to my posterity. It is quite an event when I pull out the journals I kept when I was a teenager. The vocabulary I used as a teenager is absolutely horrendous. I didn't curse on paper. What I'm talking about is the type of slang words and phrases that I used as a teenager. The terminology was weird and at this point in my life, I just don't find the humour or logic in my selection of slang phrases. I'm sickly amazed at the tone of my entries. I was so boy-crazy! **giggles** Even though I was such a tomboy all through grade school and the seventh grade, eighth grade found me blossoming into a young lady. My diary entries detail a school girl with a brand new crush every single day. I'm almost sure that my mother insisted I keep a journal so that she could sneak and read them to know what's going on in my world.

My childhood and teenage years were spectacular, void of any real drama. Having such a solid foundation of happiness and joy prepared me for the struggles that were ahead of me in adulthood.

Through my journals I'm able to revisit some of the darkest days of my life. That era was the post-teenage years on up until probably 30. Between 18 and 30 was an absolute challenge. Age 18, I was raped. I pressed charges and endured two trials in front of a jury of my peers. The first trial ended in a hung jury. The second trial set my attacker free. I married at age 21 and endured the most difficult heartbreak ever. The problems in that marriage started early on. Things just were never right between he and I. We were separated a couple years after marriage then finally divorced when I turned 28. My journal details every dark day and builds the anticipation for a brighter day.

I'm thoroughly convinced that my posterity will revel in the emotional narratives written into each and every page. The journal chronicling 2007 reveals a woman beginning a total-life-makeover where I had since re-married, kicked the tobacco, alcohol, etc. to prepare myself for a spiritual awakening. Awaken I did, along with my husband. It has been, by far, the most eye-opening experience EVER and I cherish it dearly.

Here I am today, my journals are less exciting, almost monotone yet filled with my most intimate thoughts and emotions. It's value is invested in the future. The ones that will benefit from my innermost feelings, my childrens childrens children, will connect with me from beyond mortality and see in to my life with perfect insight. These journals, as are these blog entries, are for my children.

Small Specks In a Larger Universe

Lately, all we've been doing is fighting.

Serious! All week long, all we did last week was fight. We'd wake up and be at each others throats in the morning. We'd ignore each other all afternoon. By late evening, when we're laying down to bed, we're at it all over again and on until after midnight. By Saturday, we were teetering on the edge of madness and the tension unleashed itself. Our HUGE fight ended in him leaving with his friend and me taking off in the car. The fight sent me straight to 7-11 to pick up a pack of smokes. Now, I haven't had a smoke since June and I broke the streak on Saturday... but this is a new week and I've forgiven myself for that moment of weekness.

What could we possibly be fighting about? Well, we're both so busy analyzing all the "money" options we have in front of us, that we've forgotten to take care of each others hearts, each others spirits. Not even an hour after our big fight on Saturday, husband called me to apologize. I was floored because USUALLY I'm the first to "submit". Everything was all better in an instant. Our yelling match had revealed MANY truths that we both needed to hear.

Husband relies solely on me for money moves. Most of the time it's such a heavy burden because the thought of money doesn't stir me in the least bit.... yet I've been blessed with a good brain to be able to analyze information. The only language he's been speaking in the past couple of months is BUSINESS, BUSINESS, BUSINESS. Yet I am so much more than that! That is the TRUTH that I needed him to hear.

I needed him to feed my spirit, feed my heart and tend to my emotions and physical affections. He heard me. He apologized.

That knock down argument is probably why I find myself at such a crossroad. I've been granted so much free time that I don't know what to do with. Should I get a job? Should I go back to school? Should I pursue my "magazine"? **shrugs**

Well anyway... husband and I have been really communicating lately. He UNDERSTANDS completely what I've been saying about learning to balance every area of our life.

I asked him, "When was the last time we did something really nice?" He had no answer.

I asked him, "When was the last time you bought me flowers?" He had no answer.

I asked him, "When was the last time you spoke with God?" He had no answer.

So on Monday I went out and bought him some scriptures... embossed with his name. This... so that he can feed his spirit, right alongside me. Our souls can mingle as we reflect on things of an eternal nature... to remind us that we are but small pieces of intelligence in a much larger picture. Have yall seen Men In Black II? At the end, when Jay opens the locker and he realizes that his universe is a small speck to an even larger universe... that's EXACTLY what I mean.

The truth is, when we seek for higher understanding, higher learning, we gain an eternal perspective that is priceless. So even as I rant and rave about the evil that is so rampant on planet earth, I do find peace in acknowledging God's hand in my life. Ultimately, we are just small specks in God's large universe. Can you dig it?

Looking Back... 10 Years Ago

This is an excerpt from my diary.

A Brief Summary of what was goin' on in my life....
I was living in New Mexico prior to this entry being written. I returned to Hawaii to testify in a sexual assault case.... my own.

I got dumped by Shane**... the same Shane** that turned out to be my first husband. So when I returned to Hawaii... I stayed. I couldn't go back to New Mexico because I was living with Shane**. Basically I had nowhere to go back to.

So there I was... a rape survivor... my life in complete turmoil because of the sexual assault. I remember at that time, I couldn't even admit to having been raped. For some reason, I equated it to being weak. I'll blog about the rape later... well... not about what happened but about where I've been.... emotionally.

Without further delay.... here is my diary entry.... 10 years ago.

Sunday, April 23rd, 1995
Dear Pepa, (i named my journal Pepa)
Lastnight, I went cruising with Bernadine and Mae. It was a whole lotta fun. We ran into Luandrias... she has changed her name to Cyrene Autumn. It was so nice to cruise with them but I still wanna go back to New Mexico.

My feelings are still very mixed up. Okay, this is the plan... if I can get on the job in New Mexico and get accepted for school then I'll be straight. And if not, then I'll probably just turn around and come home or go to L.A. or Frisco. I just need my space and I need my man. I want it all. I just don't want Shane** to brush me off. I wish he could love me as much as I for him. I'm so lonely for him. I'm sad... I wanna be with him for a long time to come. At the NCO Club on Friday, I didn't talk to no one... jus' chilled. Everywhere I turned and seen a atall, bald, Black man dressed somewhat like John** --> I'd go crazy and yearn to feel him near. I really miss him but I don't think he'll ever understand.

Oh gosh, it hurts so much. Why did I let him get that close? He says to wait 'til August... when he gets back from Saudi Arabia. I gotta know. I'm trying so hard to understand him. He says COMMITMENT is what is scaring him away and it's not me. How can that be? He thinks that I'm pressing him to marry me. Sure... it would be so nice to spend the rest of my life with him but only if he feels the same. He just flipped my world upside down again. But I'm prepared to wait for as long as I see fit.

He says there's nothing wrong with me... I'm PERFECT!... but I wanna know why he can't trust me or why it gotta end. I told him that if he never puts his heart on the line he'll never know how fulfilling it can be. I give up already. I always get close and then get jacked in the end. It doesn't take much to make me happy. It hurts so much. He makes it seem so easy to throw it all away and I told him that. He said it ain't even like that. Then, what's it like? He seems immuned to it all. It's tearing me up inside. Maybe he's right about me tryin' to get him to marry me but I still, feel too young. But I can see him and I, but it's all up to him.

I always end up with the bad end of the deal! Every man that has ever come into my life has hurt me, either by not reciprocating the feelings or just bein' a DOGGY DOGG. When is someone ever gonna love me for what I am? When are they gonna see that I'm a good woman? Physically, I can feel my heart breaking and my stomach is hurting. Love me today. I just feel sick. I wish I could just disappear.

I'm losing the ONLY person who has been there for me since the RAPE. And I'm gonna miss it.

******************

I read that today and just had to laugh. Shane** had me whooped for a good long time. My life has changed... but I only realize it when I go back to my old journals. I'm actually grateful for having these journals to look at and read and see where I've been. When I broke up with Shane**, I was soooo tempted to burn ALL OF THEM. BooBoo convinced me otherwise.

But probably, more important is the growth I've experienced within the past 10 years.



**Name changed to protect the past