Humility and Tender Mercy

A dear friend of mine sent a song to me over the web. I don't know if it's because I had posted on Facebook that I visited my mom's grave that he decided to send me the song. For whatever reason he did, I am grateful for the message I received from hearing it. It has been on repeat all day. Well Done by Deitrick Haddon is the song. The lyrics are quite simple and the music is beautiful but the pleading in Deitrick's voice is so compelling. I embedded the video at the bottom of the post. Maybe you can let it play as you read this post.

These past few months have been difficult for me. The divorce from my husband of thirteen years really did a number on me. An unexpected event like this has really humbled me and brought me to my knees. I find myself so hungry for spiritual enlightenment; to feel the spirit of the Creator around me. I hunger for it above any search for love and companionship. I don't quite know how it all works but a few experiences in recent months have forced me to recognize God's tender mercies in my life and I am grateful.

Both my mother and father are staunch Christians. Though I was raised with such a strong foundation, I find that my curiosity for other spiritual practices is so much stronger than my Christian background. And yet, I have a soft spot for the teachings I was raised to believe. Above all, Love is paramount. Compassion. Forgiveness. Service.

The first couple of weeks after my ex said he wanted a divorce were extremely difficult. Extremely! I found myself crying myself to sleep all throughout the day and all through the night. Part of me was so upset and disappointed with my husband's decision to walk away from our relationship. I thought of how I would now be alone in the world and that I would grow old without a companion to journey through life with. I thought of my parents who were married to each other until my mother passed. That's forty-plus years of commitment. Coming up, I didn't know very many marriages that ended in divorce. My parent's generation was true ride-or-die relationships, so to see my second marriage come to an end just about tore me apart. My loyalty is so fierce and so powerful. Why wouldn't a man want that kind of woman in his corner? I know my value and I cannot understand why a man would trade me in.

In those first days, I leaned heavy upon my popps and my older brother for comfort. I am fiercely independent and rarely ever ask anyone for help. But the pain of this broken heart could not be soothed without help from above. My popps and my older brother laid their hands upon my head and put a blessing on me so strong and so powerful that I was sobbing.  I have never seen my father cry, in all of my 41 years, not even at my mother's funeral service. But that day, as he prayed over me, he choked up and I could hear him cry and felt his tears drop on me. We felt so strongly the spirit of my mother all around us. I felt her holding me up, and drying my tears, and telling me that everything would be fine. God's tender mercy was upon me that day because I rarely feel my mother's presence. That day, in those moments with my father and older brother, we felt her all around us and I knew that I would be just fine. I knew that I was not alone.

On a recent trip to "the South." I was driving on a lonely road. It was late at night and most of the roads in Georgia and South Carolina are not equipped with street lights. My drive from Atlanta through Georgia and South Carolina was a great time for me to clear my head. The long monotonous drive gave me plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts. My life since splitting from my ex-husband has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, of decisions and indecision, and full of so much change. I really needed that distance from all things familiar to think through the pressing issue of where I want to take my life.

My drive that evening should have happened much earlier than it had, meaning I should have been driving while it was still daylight. My arrival in Atlanta was four hours delayed. I should have made it to my destination by 7p but with the delay, it was now estimated to be 11p. As I made my way along the roads, I was just about 70 miles from the coast. That's where I wanted to be - the Coast. I wanted to look out on a different ocean than the beautiful Pacific. Perhaps, I could make a life along the banks of a new body of water; far away from the Pacific. I love the Pacific but I feel a wave of change surging inside of me and I am going to ride it to wherever it takes me.

The GPS had taken me along a very lonely road. I had not seen a car for miles. I felt like I was in an episode of Scooby Doo. Every town I had ventured through was dark and void of life. Spooky. Creepy. I felt like I had stepped back in time and I felt very alone, like the whole world had turned their back on me. I almost shed tears thinking I had made a big mistake for getting on the road all alone, in a place that was completely unfamiliar to me. I approached a fork in the road and went right instead of left. I had to back track, turn around and go back to the fork and take the left. I distinctly remember uttering out loud, "God, please watch over me. Please get me where I need to be safely." Inside, I was slightly terrified and feeling like I had made so many mistakes in my life and it was manifesting on this road trip. The delay with the airplane, the long and lonely drive through the darkness, taking the wrong road; these were all little events that were heavy on my mind as I made my way toward the coast.

Imagine pitch blackness, not a single street light, just the stars to light my way and the solitary light beams from my rental car. From the right side of my periphery, I see a deer shoot out into the lonely road. The animal was taller than my car and it's antlers were large and well-developed. The excitement of nearly reaching my destination had suddenly turned to panic as the large animal collided with my vehicle. It happened so quickly. As I think through the collision and slow it down in my mind, I am humbled and in awe of my experience and the tender mercy of God's hand in those moments.

Upon impact, all of the airbags in the vehicle deploy and there is a strong burning odor. I was so stunned and in a state of shock that I don't realize that I may have been in danger by remaining in the middle of the road or that possibly the burning odor could mean that the car was on fire. I was just in utter disbelief. I have heard horror stories of people getting knocked out and bruised by the airbags. Every single airbag had been spent. There was one at my feet, one that came out of the steering wheel and a curtain alongside the sides of the car and from the top of the windshield. I have also heard stories about the severe bruising that comes from the seat belt holding you in place. I had not lost consciousness but I was definitely dazed.

God's tender mercy was upon me because I did not have a single scratch on my body. I was not bruised. I did not suffer any whiplash. My back was fine. When Highway Patrol arrived, the Officer told me that the deer was back several yards away and was indeed dead. I felt a tinge of guilt for having taken the life of the deer without doing something useful with it's sacrifice, like maybe feeding a family. And yet, all I could feel was gratitude for being fully alive and not a single scratch on my body. I was definitely shaken up but feeling nothing but God's love upon me for watching over me so closely even when it seemed as if I did not deserve his/her watchful care.

Both events, feeling my mother around me in late September on up to the trip that found me on the side of a lonely road with a wrecked car in January, were eye-openers to how closely I am loved and cared about from on high. Even in my most sinful pursuits and dark behavior, my mother is reaching out to me from beyond the grave and God is watching me, ever caring for my safety and well-being. Thank you dear friend for sending me this song. It prompted this post. The song had me reflecting on God's hand in my life. I kneel in humility and am strengthened by the thought of seeing my mother again.


I just wanna make it to heaven
I just wanna make it in
I just wanna cross that river
I wanna be free from sin
Ooh I just want my name written (Oh Lord)
Written in the lamb's Book of Life
When this life is over

Triggered Memories: Malta, Papal Conclave, Religion

"Belief systems are the currency of control." 

~David Icke

 
In 2006, I traveled to Malta. Accommodations were at the Radisson Blu Resort & Spa.... which was very plush. I have to say that it was the trip of a lifetime. I plan to do a trip like that to Asia, one day, maybe. **grins**

I'm sad to say that I didn't blog very much about my trip to Malta in 2006. Looking back in the blog archives, I only covered my jaunt into Valletta during Karnivale. I feel like I missed out on a bunch of things while I was out there. Really, the only way to truly absorb a location is to live there for a few months, maybe even years. So I guess it's alright.

What triggered my memories of Malta was the Papal conclave that has just commenced in reaction to the resignation of the current Pope. Based on recent reports, this is only the second time in the history of the Catholic Church that a Pope has chosen to step down. So what does my trip to Malta and the Catholic Church have to do with the picking of a new pope? Maybe nothing; maybe everything. **shrugs**

It's not a secret that I am always in search of meaning in life. My mother raised my siblings and I in the Mormon faith. As a child I followed it and found much enlightenment up until I reached my teen years. From that point, my search for purpose and meaning took me elsewhere. I remember coming across a book in the possession of my ex-husband titled, "Al-Islam Christianity and Freemasonry". That was probably one of my first steps outside of Christianity. Prior to that book, I had never heard of Freemasonry. **shrugs** I read the ENTIRE book in one sitting. It was new information, outside of the small bubble that the Mormon faith had created for me during my childhood.

At the pinnacle of devout Mormonism are the ordinances and covenants that culminate in temple ceremony. All of the ordinances that occur in the temple are Masonic in origin. Imagine that; ME, at the age of 19, reading the Freemasonry book that I mentioned previously. Then there's ME at age 31, experiencing some of what I read in that book but in a Mormon temple ordinance. **sigh** All very confusing to say the least. Much of what occurs in Masonic ritual and Mormon ordinance can be found on the internet. It's not a secret. In my opinion, the ordinance or ritual does not create spirituality however the individual experiencing it can. He or she determines how the events are received in his or her own heart and spirit and gives value. One can either embrace it and force the experience or discard it altogether. All of these thoughts are coming to me as I remember my trip to Malta.

My second evening in Malta, we dined in a building that dated back to the 16th century; Knights Hospitallers. We were greeted by a court at the entrance of the structure. The lighting was fairly authentic to medieval times; it seemed like there were candle lit sconces and candle lit dining tables. There were knights in armor, as well as metal armor displays. This building was a hospital/infirmary a couple centuries ago. Now it serves as one of the largest meeting facilities in Malta. Now, either the soldiers back in the day were very small or the metal armor displays are "mini" replicas of, what I hope were, bigger men.

I have to tell you that I was utterly amazed by the evening that was prepared for us. The food was absolutely delicious. We missed the first three courses of a seven course meal so we were still very hungry at the end of the dinner. We got there and they were already serving the entree. I can remember clearly that it was two pieces of duck with a pear sauce. It was absolutely HEAVENLY. I just wish there were more of it. By the end of the evening we were still very hungry and absolutely clueless of any after-hours joints to fulfill the late night munchies. **shrugs** It was all good though because we more than made up for it at the breakfast buffet the next day. Another peculiar oddity for me was the absence of ice water. At that point in my life, I preferred ice cold water. Now I like room temperature water or hot tea or coffee. In Europe, you must inform the wait staff that you prefer "still" water rather than sparkling and you want it in ice. It came to me that Americans must stick out like a sore thumb. If I could do it over again, I would be as the locals were... I would drink up that warm, sparkling water instead of insisting on cold, still water.

One of the highlights of the trip was a lecture featuring Jordan Maxwell. Hearing of the papal conclave reminded me of that kick-ass lecture. I absorbed a lot of what he said and filed the information away in the recesses of my mind. It has been a seven year process to bring that information forward again. Mr. Maxwell held my attention for his entire lecture. Though I don't have my lecture notes in front of me, I was struck by the organization of his lecture. If you remember the movie The Da Vinci Code, starring Tom Hanks; there's a scene that I'm thinking is the opening where Tom Hanks is lecturing in front of an enormous screen. He flashes through images while he talks about the symbolism behind every day images. I can confidently say that the character Robert Langdon, played by Tom Hanks, was possibly based on Jordan Maxwell. The lecture was intense, the information as titillating as when I read about Freemasonry. Truly, I enjoyed every minute of it because the information was pushing the boundaries of what I thought I knew and opening up a Pandora's Box to new knowledge. At some point, we all must come to the realization that the world we see around us has deeper meaning. When a person is ready to look beyond the surface, he or she will find that there is no end to the rabbit hole.

If you're game, I included an interview of Jordan Maxwell at the bottom of this post. The internet sensation, Zeitgeist is based on the work of Jordan Maxwell. If you have very fixed beliefs in terms of religion and spirituality, Zeitgeist and Jordan Maxwell will be a lot to take in. I urge you to attempt to look at the information objectively. Peeling away the layers of your life is a topic for another post and not this one.

Visiting Malta was indeed an adventure that I was able to experience with some of my closest cousins. If I could do it all over again, I would indulge in the wine and party with the locals at Karnivale. I would throw caution to the wind, let down my hair, and delight in new experiences! I have to say that a good portion of who I am becoming started when I listened to Jordan Maxwell lecture. The information he shared was outside of my known world and I am grateful to have allowed that door of knowledge to be opened!

As I Remember It: Today

If I could write the post I really want to write today then I would start by saying that all RELIGION on the planet is first and foremost a business.

Second, I would say that RELIGION is the biggest peddler of saving souls for money. Even though tithing, in its truest form is a beautiful practice, I cannot say with all certainty that the tithing you pay to your God will be used in your soul's best interest. Know what I mean? Spending $2B dollars of tithing money to build a mall while laying off a bunch of people at your "step-child" university in the middle of the Pacific is not my idea of using tithing money wisely.

If we follow that money trail, parishioners may not like where it leads. The "church" is not interested in you as an individual. They are, however, interested in numbers; number of members, bottom dollar, tithing deposits, fast offering deposits, and on and on and on. The "church" is not interested in individuals!

Third, fostering a culture of white-supremacy and patriarchal orders has gnawed its last morsel from my authentic soul. I cannot! Anymore!

Finally -- with all the finality of any given day -- It is very difficult for me to process the emotions of today. I apologize to you, the reader, but I cannot share all that has transpired in the last day. I must express these sentiments right now and in this forum. I continue employment with this entity while someone I love very dearly has been given his walking papers. I am compelled to express the truest emotion, as I feel it; AS.I.REMEMBER.IT.

Finding the Balance

I am 3 weeks shy of completing my Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy.

**sigh**

I can't wait. This is the biggest scam in the history of the world (in my humble opinion)! I don't feel any smarter nor do I formulate my self-esteem based on my grades. The grades might be a reflection on my commitment but definitely not on who I am, inherently. If you can go to school for free (via scholarship) then, by all means, do so while you figure out what you really want to do. A person's failure or success is not based upon his or her ability to complete a degree. Far from it!

A well-known Philosopher, Jean-Jacque Rousseau, wrote Emile. It talks about the nature of education and on humanity's quest for true knowledge. The overall gist of Emile is that humanity should return to a more natural approach on education. One should seek out things that they are drawn to by their natural curiosity. I think of the things that I could have done if I had been encouraged to seek out things that truly interest me. I might be a carpenter today or a visual artist, a holistic healer, a journalist (my blog serves this purpose -- if only I were paid for my rants), a furniture maker, a fashion designer; anything but an administrator (I promise I'm grateful for my job!). What can a person really do with memorized interpretations of truth?

What gives people purpose in life? I contemplate that question often. In my own life, I feel so bogged down by religious protocol and by my cultural duties as a daughter and wife. I've mentioned it before on this blog and it seems it hasn't changed. To live authentically means that I must discard all the things that causes conflict in my life; that would include religion and cultural protocol or can I find a comfortable balance between who I feel I am, inherently, with who my family and religious community expects me to be? **heavy sigh**

The funny thing is that I can release all the obligations that I perceive are weighing me down. The only problem is that I am so attached to how I have always done things and how I think people perceive me. It's all so very confusing when I pick it apart. But I strive to move forward and to stay within the current boundaries I have set for myself. It pains me to be so bridled by religious and cultural expectation and to even mention that I have boundaries. Really, I wish I were free from religious dogma and the separations that it forces between human beings. Why can't we all just be brothers and sisters in this beautiful world? Why must there be distinct separations by our political and religious affiliations? I'm beginning to think that the two are the same!

Can anyone help me find the balance between two diametrically opposed worlds?

**photo credit**

An Excerpt: Historical Basis for European Conquest

The following passage is an excerpt from the research paper I wrote that I referenced to in the last post. I was very shocked by the amount of power the Catholic Church/ Pope wielded in the centuries following the death of Christ. I surmise that that power extends into the present day. It could possibly be a great thesis to explore.

To give a background, the title of my paper was Solving the "Indian Problem": The Institutional Genocide of Native Americans. Perhaps I should post the entire paper. I just might do that!

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on the content of this post. (My own commentary at the end of the excerpt.)

* * * * * * * * * * *
Several instances in history illustrate how religion was used to control the population. The Islamic conquest of India comes to mind. Its precepts so divided the people of India, who were predominantly Hindu, that they were unable to unite against the Muslim regime. The Muslim ruler instituted a heavy tax for citizens that did not convert to the Islamic faith and thus used it as a tool to both control and generate revenue.[1] In either circumstance, it benefited the “institution” rather than the citizen.

In similar fashion, the European colonists to America sought to convert and civilize the indigenous population using the Christian religion. Prior to Columbus voyage across the Atlantic, Pope Nicholas V issued a papal bull, “declaring war against all non-Christians throughout the world, and specifically sanctioning and promoting the conquest, colonization, and exploitation of non-Christian nations and their territories”.[2] In effect, this edict became the basis for U.S. Supreme Court opinions in regards to the “discovery” and conquest by European Christian nations of America and its heathen (non-Christian) inhabitants. In other words, the Native American’s became occupants of America rather than sovereign nations, based on religious affiliation. [3]

One of the early British colonies in the new world sought to divide themselves “for license to make habitation, and plantation, and to deduce a colony into Virginia, and other parts in America …not actually possessed by any Christian Prince or People…” In response, the King dispatched to his subjects in Virginia:

The King, greatly commending and graciously accepting of their desires to the furtherance of so noble a work, which may, by the Providence of Almighty God, hereafter tend to the Glory of His Divine Majesty, in propagating of Christian Religion to such people, as yet live in darkness, and miserable ignorance of the true knowledge and worship of God, and may in time bring the Infidels and Savages living in those parts, to human civility and to a settled and quiet Government… [4]

It is this psychology that the colonists brought with them from Europe to justify their eventual takeover of the America’s. The British had adopted, under direction from “heaven” (papal bull), the need to Christianize the world. This directly contributes to the intended genocide of the Native American as well as other non-Christians throughout the world in the sixteenth century.

Sources:
[1] William J. Duiker and Jackson J. Spielvogel, World History, Fifth, Vol. I: To 1800 (Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth, 2007). [Pg 250]

[2] Steve Newcomb, Indigenous Law Institute, http://ili.nativeweb.org/sdrm_art.html (accessed October 18, 2009).

[3] Ibid

[4] W. Noel Sainsbury, ed., Calendar of State Papers, Colonial Series, America and West Indies, 1675-1676, Also Addenda, 1574-1674 [electronic resource], ed. W. Noel Sainsbury (London: Eyre and Spottiswoode, 1893). [Pg 32]

* * * * * * * * * * *
When I was a young child and on up until adulthood, my father and I discussed the political influence of the Catholic church. He told me that The Vatican, in Rome, is considered a country. The Pope and any emissary travelling to the United States on behalf of The Vatican are treated as political leaders, complete with Federal detail sent from The White House.

What would prompt such attention from a government? Do other religious leaders garner this type of concern or is the political influence of the Catholic church that powerful?

**Photo Source