Saturday, April 29, 2006

That INSTANT Love

I was over at ShellyP's blog and she has these cute pics of her pregnant self up. Isn't that the most amazing thing in the world?

It has been so hard for me to verbalize... but... I am having the toughest time conceiving. It's out there! I've said it now... I guess I am admitting that I have a problem.

Doctors say I'm not ovulating and they have the PERFECT drug to kickstart that process. I'd rather not put anymore chemicals in my body but we'll see what happens within the next couple of months.

So why have I had such a tough time of even admitting that I have a problem? Well, I guess it's because pregnancy and bearing children is a rite of womanhood. That's how I see it and I've become somewhat insecure as to my inability to cross that threshold. Does it mean I'm less of a woman? Probably not. **shrugs**

However, from what I'm hearing, I'd like to EXPERIENCE that INSTANT love that a woman feels when she finds out she is WITH CHILD. **heavy sigh**

Pray for me, yall.

Tell me about your pregnancy stories. Maybe it might rub off on me. **big smile**

Friday, April 21, 2006

County Workers

Today was an experience.

Mid day... husband and I went to get my drivers license. Since I live wayyyyy out in the country, we have to drive at least an hour in any direction to get to a place that issues drivers licenses. **sigh**

I've put off getting my replacement license out of EXTREME laziness. LOL... When I did the Great Aloha Run a couple months ago, someone broke into the car I rode in and stole my lil wallet. It included cash, credit cards, drivers license, social security card, etc. etc. This was right before my trip to Europe. Sucks, don't it?! Anyway... like I said, I've been meaning to replace that damn license.

So I get to the DMV in Pearl City. The first woman that helped me at the window told me I'd have to retake the drivers test and the written test. Mind you, I already called and dude said he could help me out and look up my license number. So I get outta the line and think up some kinda magic to get this done.

I go back to the window. It's a different woman. I explain to her my dilemma and tell her my sob story. I show her my passport. She rejects me and tells me that I need a social security card. I'm HIGHLY irritated because of my interaction with the first woman.... and now this woman is gonna reject me too. I swear both women that I dealt with enjoyed a sick pleasure by rejecting folks at the window.

So I drive another 30 minutes to Wahiawa DMV... trying my luck at a different spot. Now the woman at this DMV was wayyyy more personable. I told her my sob story and she was slightly compassionate.... I mean, she looked up my Kansas license. She even looked up my old Hawaii license. She even gave me the lil eyesight test. But in the end -- she rejected me!

Uhhhh.... I dealt with four different county workers. One on the phone. Two women at the Pearl City DMV and a woman at the Wahiawa DMV.... and you know what???? They were ALLLLL inconsistent. The only one that gets an E for effort is the last woman.

I HATE county workers! They suck!!

Needless to say -- I gotta go back on Monday with all the correct paperwork and FINALLY handle this.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

(S)He Drives Me Crazy



I wish I had somewhere to unload all my thoughts without fear of judgement. Somewhere to say EXACTLY what I mean without having to "pretty it up". I would love it if I could just put my burdens somewhere and NEVER have to worry about them again. I'm not much of a worrier. However, there are certain things that will bug me to no end.

My relationship with my mother has never really been a good one. She is definitely NOT one that I can unload my true thoughts and feelings on. We had this interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago. I told her how I felt about her and all the things I had resented about her and our relationship. She was totally oblivious to how I felt.

The woman is a major control freak. My father and my older brother kinda just dance around her so as not to upset the "beast". She's quite immovable when she gets behind something.

With her age and declining health, she is consistently making errors with her finances. I have offered to help her organize her life many times but she's such a freak about always remaining in control that to relinquish it is inconceivable. By trade, i am an accountant... i have always worked in finances.... whether it was mortgages or accounting... I've always dealt with money. This would be ideal for her. **heavy sigh**

I didn't start out talking about my mother but somehow I moved right into the subject. There is so much negative energy surrounding my relationship with my mother. I'd like to clear that up. I release that energy! Go AWAY!

I'm in such a "funny" place right now. I feel strange. I feel verrrrry alone with the way my thought process goes. Husband thinks my thoughts are ALWAYS TOTALLY ILLOGICAL. He is my spouse... the man I choose to spend forever with and he basically thinks I'm crazy. I don't know what to do with that.

I don't know if I should take it literal -- does he think I'm crazy?

Or maybe I think he's crazy. **shrugs**

On certain subjects, we're off and running in TOTALLY different directions. We always work it out though and I guess that's what REALLY matters.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Snoring, Ugly, Instantly,Truly, Far-Fetched, yada yada yada

I'm sitting here with earphones on, Whitney sangin' her butt off... "Didn't We Almost Have It All"... and I can stilllll hear hubby SNORING away. lol...

This is what it's about. Being so comfortable with someone... comfortable enough for him to reveal to me, just today, that people used to call him ugly.

I couldn't ever think that of him. I was instantly attracted to him when we first met. INSTANTLY! But even if I didn't think he was the handsomest man on the planet... his soul is so beautiful.

I trust that he will lead me righteously into eternity. I trust that we were TRULY made for each other, in this moment, at this time and for however long we were meant.

He supports my EVERY endeavor, no matter how far-fetched he might think it is. **sigh** I'm lucky. Truly blessed!

I love that when I go to bed -- he's ALREADY waiting for me... if not, already asleep. He is the best present I have ever gotten.... and I trust that God sent him to me to clear away ANY misconceptions about love, faith, honor and commitment.

My life has only blossomed since he entered my world. Like his soul prods me ever so gently into light, love, knowledge and truth. And he is completely oblivious to his effect on me.

Tomorrow I get to wake up next to him. For that, I thank God.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Time to Mourn

I think it was his age that allowed him to fully see the depth of my soul. Oddly, I'm convinced that it was MY age that chased him away.

My soul runs so deep. It sounds so cliche, so worn out, so used. And yet -- he understood it. I miss that.

The hours and days have run into months and years and we've both moved in different directions. And I'm in a good place... better than I've ever been before. I have learned to balance my spiritual self with the other dimensions of me. That, above all else, has been most rewarding.

Yet sometimes... way too often, I long for depth... for someone to truly understand who I am. Someone who is able to see right into the heart of me and KNOW... just KNOW... without me saying a word.

The only one who ever did -- I will probably never have the occasion to speak to again. Most of my friends cannot see how many different facets there are to me. I still discover them daily... and I love that about me... but it isolates me.

How can I feel so alone in a world full of people? How can I feel like no one can see my soul and really understand how deep it runs?

I have never mourned that loss. I pushed it down way deep inside of me, hoping it would just go away.

Today, I mourn! Though I wish him success and honest, sincere and true love -- I will mourn what will never be. I mourn the separation of two souls that really, truly understood each other.