I briefly mention the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho in today's video. It is a short read and very thought-provoking. The book is a work of fiction and the story serves as a parable. The message will only be received by those who are ready to receive it. The summary of the book on the back cover of the paperback version of the book describes it best. I hope it's enough to tempt you to read it. I think the book is about a 3 to 4 hour read. Put in the time and feed your mind and your imagination.
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Back Cover of THE ALCHEMIST by Paulo Coelho "To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation." Paulo Coelho's enchanting novel has inspired a devoted following around the world. This story, dazzling in its simplicity and wisdom, is about an Andalusian shepherd boy named Santiago who travels from his homeland in Spain to the Egyptian desert in search of a treasure buried in the Pyramids. Along the way he meets a Gypsy woman, a man who calls himself king, and an Alchemist, all of whom point Santiago in the direction of his quest. No one knows what the treasure is, or if Santiago will be able to surmount the obstacles along the way. But what starts out as a journey to find worldly goods turns into a meditation on the treasures found within. Lush, evocative, and deeply humane, the story of Santiago is an eternal testament to the transforming power of our dreams and the importance of listening to our hearts.
The question, what do you want to be remembered for is a common question in motivational workshops. I have seen mastery classes that actually do an obituary for you, complete with your picture and your name. This is to prompt you to contemplate the condition of your life and if it is where you want to be. And if not, what are you going to do about it?
I am going to be 43 on August 4th. The older I get the more real mortality becomes. The magic of my youth and the idea that I will never get old is fading and I realize that I have not done the things I was put on this earth to do. It has been a struggle to make these transitions, to extend myself beyond the known boundaries of my life. I have no paid mentor telling me how to navigate the self-publishing world but I am not afraid. I am not afraid to fail. I am not afraid of falling flat on my face because I will push until I do the things that I have set out to do.
Beyond my personal goals though, I wish to impact the world in a positive way. So often, we are inhibited by our cultural and religious upbringing that says we must seek to elevate "the village" over personal growth. It does serve its purpose and some people's legacy will be that of sacrificing their own personal desires to serve the greater good. It has taken me nearly 43 years to put that type of thinking on the side and move out of the neutrality of my life and into believing and knowing that my life is powerful. I am not a bystander, watching life happen around me. I am empowered to do whatever it is I am called to do.
We read and see quotes like, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Every time I would see that quote I used to think that it was for the people who had power and influence, not for me. That quote was not for lil ole me in the middle of the Pacific, working the 9 to 5 everyday. And even if I never have the power and influence like Oprah, I can still effect change in my small part of this great big universe. I share Marianne Williamson's famous quote:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
I have struggled with identity. Who am I? I have been blessed, beyond measure, with a healthy imagination, a bright mind, a kind heart, and a optimistic vigor for life. Why am I settling to be just like everyone around me when I know in my heart that I am so much more. I am not saying that I am better than people around me. What I am saying is that I have spent most of my life being the same as everyone instead of following my imagination. I have worked so long at 'fitting in' rather than allowing myself to stand out and honor the gifts that I have been given. What good is a sharp knife in the kitchen drawer if you never use it? What good are kind words if it is never spoken? What good is a song if it is never sung? We are here on this planet, in this space and time, and it's time to use our gifts to truly create the change we wish to see in the world.
With that being said, I hope that at the end of my life, it will be said of me that "She lived a magnificent life."
We all share similar experiences. Our cultural traditions, our familial relationships, our upbringing, our religious and political affiliations uniquely colors our experiences so that we handle them differently. But at the core of the human condition, we share the same search for happiness and how to connect to the world outside of our experience.
Whenever I meet someone, I like to hear their story. Most people have a spiel already created in their mind. It's their go-to summary of who they are. Mine always starts with who my parents are. In Hawai'i, and probably in all Pacific Island groups, we search for our connection so that we can relate to each other and that starts with, "Who's your family and where are you from?" The theory of six degrees of separation is all too true in Polynesia. No matter where I find myself in the world, I will always know someone who knows someone who knows someone and we connect.
I am a Pacific Islander. My mother is Samoan/Swedish from Vaitoloa, Western Samoa and my father is Hawaiian/Chinese from Kaneohe, O'ahu, Hawai'i.
I reside in South Carolina right now. I moved here in November 2017, just over a year after a very seamless and quick divorce. My ex and I were together for 13 years before we called it quits. That certainly colors my life right now. That event has surely changed me and forces me to look at my life with new awareness. And I am here to tell that story; to talk about the lows and the triumphs of overcoming grief. Sometimes I wake up in tears. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Maybe it's loneliness and not knowing why my marriage fell apart and maybe it is the uncertainty of moving forward without my best friend. I truly considered my ex my best friend. The way we bounced ideas off each other and laughed and had good times. The way we worked so well as a team. The way we held each other up. These are things I think of when I miss him. I miss that connection. I miss that feeling of knowing that when I go home at night, someone is waiting for me. No matter how hard family and friends try to fill that void, it is not the same thing.
Here I am at the midpoint of my life forced to reinvent who I am. In the year from when my ex and I split to the moment I left the islands, I did a whole lot of soul searching. I continually analyzed the condition of my life. In my mind, I asked the following questions:
What will make me happy again?
How can I live my best life?
How can I change the circumstances of my life so that everything I do is intentional and not a reaction to outside forces?
In the past few months I have talked incessantly about my rising star. I don't know what that's about but I feel it in my gut so strong and urgent. And I don't say it with arrogance or even confidence except that I feel it so strongly - a life calling me that is bigger than the here and now and bigger than I can currently imagine.
I suspect that all the pain I have experienced and all the joys have contributed to the me that I am right now. I do not look at my trail of broken hearts and severed relationships as anything but what it is - two people choosing different paths in life. I respect and honor the choices of the men that have left me. It is their authentic choice. Maybe at the end of my life I will understand the whys of their leaving me but today is not that day. I will always find love in the way that it always finds me. I know my value today and will not settle for less than a man that excites me and sets my world on fire. One that will support my every dream no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Someone that believes in me.
But beyond the wonder and magic of love, I am excited about the power I have to create the life I have always wanted to live. I can take the crazy risks that have always been nestled in my heart of hearts without fear of a less-than supportive mate. I know that the glue that holds me together today is my belief that I can do whatever my mind can conceive. And there is nothing holding me back except my own stubbornness to accept the path that is laid out before me. I still look back at my past wanting and wishing that things could be different instead of looking forward with my eyes single to the pursuit and completion of my goals. I can see so clearly the grandness of my life and the power within me to do what I once thought was impossible.
I still feel great love for my ex and yet understand with exactness that he does not feel love for me anymore. And though I continually mourn the end of that relationship and I occasionally cry myself to sleep just missing his presence in my life, I accept his choice to leave. I welcome the wonder of every tomorrow and marvel at my resilience to rise above the disappointment of that failed relationship. God knows my heart and the potential for which I strive to live up to.
I am here in Maryland and will drive down to South Carolina later this week. And before I flew out here last week, I had a minor meltdown at home. I found myself feeling like I was at rock bottom with all the things going on in my life. I was moving out of the house I was living in and had nowhere to go except back to my father's house. I have no car because my car had been wrecked in a car accident that I was involved in. If you had seen the condition of the car, you would marvel that I even survived.
Nothing is working for me on "my island" and I realized, as I sat sobbing at my predicament, that it is time for me to spread my wings and move away from Hawai'i. God knows I love my island home and my family there but if I am to accomplish anything of substance then I must leave and find my fortune wherever the road is taking me. Making that decision before I left lifted a burden off my shoulders. My older brother and my baby brother really pulled it together for me. My older brother co-signed my feelings about leaving the island and said everything I needed to hear to finally make the decision to leave. My baby brother paid my ticket to leave. Though I am not making the move immediately, the decision to do so was the hardest part. And now that I have made it, this vacation that I am on is that much sweeter. I look forward to every tomorrow!
I attended a Maxwell & Mary J. Blige concert this past Saturday. I spoke of it in a previous post and how seeing Maxwell has been on my bucket list for the last twenty years. Now, I can officially check this off the list. It was everything and more than I expected to experience. Our seats were, seriously, the BEST seats in the house! We were right in front of the part of the stage that extended into the audience. My date was into Mary J. Blige and I was there for Maxwell.
We arrived at the venue at about 6:15 p.m. and secured parking right across the street. I felt beautiful in a cute denim mini dress, thigh high stocking, and brown boots with gold accessories. I can't lie, my date made me feel so beautiful, so desired, and cared for with his deliberate attentiveness to me and my needs. He wore black slacks, a khaki colored button-down, accented with a rose-toned Invicta watch. We looked sharp together.
We entered the concert without any problems. We had to pass through security, a metal detector, and a gentle pat down. We had no problems with our QR tickets on my mobile phone. As we made our way to the floor, I could not contain the butterflies in my belly. I was nervous because of my obsession with Maxwell. The anticipation of 20 years of listening to his music and wanting to see him perform live was just minutes away from becoming a reality. As a teenager, I remember having a similar obsession with Johnny Gill.
Mary J. Blige did her thing.... the girl power I felt from her gave me chills. Right when her set began, a couple walked up to me and said I was in their seats. My date was getting drinks so was not able to deal with the situation. The young man and his date went and got an usher to attempt to remove me from my seat. He showed me his tickets and my name was all over it. I told the usher that my name was on his tickets. He had purchased his tickets from StubHub and I had purchased mine from Ticketmaster. The usher said that we had to go to the ticket office to resolve the issue. When I got to the ticket office, the woman said that Ticketmaster was the approved vendor so I was the rightful owner of the tickets. I was upset because that incident made me lose about twenty minutes of Mary J. I want to say that she did a 90 minute to two-hour set. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it thoroughly and appreciated the selection of our seats. We really did have the best seats in the house. There was lots of room to dance and access to the aisle was easy because we were at the end of the row. My date joked that we were so close that he could see Mary J's nipples. Random! We had a good laugh about it. Mary J. looks fantastic. It has to be hard to live in the public eye and to go through a break-up and have the world criticize her life. She has great stage presence and sounded great.
From what I was able to catch of Mary J. I would have to say my favorite part of her show was her NO MORE DRAMA montage. The large screen displayed all the headlines of her break up with her manager and husband. I love that she confronted the issue head-on. It only endears her fans to her. I also loved when she did I CAN LOVE YOU. The song was/is relevant to me. I sang and danced and did things on this date, during this song that I'm sure was quite a show for those around us. That's probably another post though. There was a brief intermission after Mary J. while the stage crew set up for Maxwell.
My phone was nearly out of battery by the time Maxwell made it to the stage. I had to be selective on what songs I filmed and what pictures I took. Maxwell took my breath away. His well-fitted suit was so sharp and classic. I dream of going on a date with a man dressed in a suit. There were several men in the audience that were dressed in suits with their dates. It was a beautiful thing to see. It makes the occasion extra special.
Maxwell is an excellent performer! His voice so smoothe and so very beautiful. I loved everything about his performance. I saved what little battery I had left to film THIS WOMAN'S WORK. I posted the video at the end of this entry. I apologize for my horrible singing and for my gushing affection, "I love you Maxwell!!!"
Part of my obsession with Maxwell is because of the memories it brings up. At the time his first CD was released, Urban Hang Suite, I was in love with the man who would become my first husband. My obvious favorite track from that CD was Whenever, Wherever, Whatever. It is the most beautiful love song. The simple string instruments coupled with his soul-stirring, falsetto voice is dreamy and the lyrics of the song captured how I felt at that moment in my life. Just tonight, I pulled out the love letters I wrote to the man who became my first husband and was reminded of how much I loved that man. He was my first love; the man who received my heart with wild and complete abandon. My discovery of Maxwell happened on the heels of him asking my father for my hand in marriage. We were engaged on Valentines Day 1996 and married in January 1997. It seems that Maxwell's music was the theme for the beginning of our marriage.
My date took several photos of me in front of the stage. I am grateful he was willing. I have a sneaky suspicion that he knows the significance of Maxwell to me. I am glad we were able to be in the same time and space to experience this.
After the concert, we left without incident. We went over to the parking garage. I was singing all the way. I was so euphoric and filled with happiness for having seen Maxwell perform live. I am so grateful for my life and for the freedom I feel today. I love you Maxwell!!
The past two months have been such a roller coaster. With all the
different funerals and deaths that I have dealt with in the past couple
of weeks, I am emotionally overwhelmed (not in a bad way). Life is
short. People I love will come and go in my life and just because
they're gone from my presence doesn't mean that they aren't alive in me.
We
buried Uncle Roy today. When my mother moved here from Samoa she lived
with his family. He was a little boy when she came through but my mother
always spoke so highly of his mother. If I remember correctly, my
mother left Samoa to attend the Church College of Hawai'i and to escape
my grandmother's attempt to marry her off. I did whatever I could to
assist in making the memorial services for Uncle Roy a success. From
decorations to set-up and execution, ordering flower leis, following-up
on food orders, making sure there are enough workers to assist in
different things. **whew** I feel like I put in more work than when my
own mother passed...but that's because others served me in my own
preparation to send my mother off. I put in work in remembrance of my
mother and my mother's love for Uncle Roy's mother. I wonder if other
people think about the relationships from the past and serve in
"remembrance of"...? Both my mother and Uncle Roy are gone from my
presence but I know that their energy is out there somewhere in the
great big universe. A piece of them are alive in me.
Death
has a way of making people reflect on life and the people they love.
Surely I have contemplated my mortality since the passing of my mother. I
think of my father and how wonderful he still looks at 70 years of age.
I think of preparing a living will to tie up all the loose ends and
helping my father get his stuff together also. But most importantly I
need to sort out the stuff that really matters and hold on to it; sort
out the stuff that's just FLUFF and let it all go. Ultimately, the thing
that matters most is my family and the people that are closest to me. I
want them each to know how much I love them.
Perhaps this is a continuation of my previous "Letting Go"
post. I have to release my feelings in some way, shape, or form. I have
become so infatuated/obsessed with death, dying, and the "whatever" of
life after death. I read through my most recent book, Proof of Heaven,
in a day or two. It's a neuroscientist's account of his journey beyond
death and back again. It was a short, simple read and I enjoyed it (for
the most part).
I love to dream about tomorrow,
about what life will be like after this dreaming. There are so many
traditions in the world that discuss the afterlife and I think all of
them have a measure of truth in them; from purgatory to reincarnation to
multiple lives -- they all have something I want or something I hope is
true. What if one lifetime is not enough? I wouldn't mind coming back
through the ages to find my friends. It almost seems like the ULTIMATE
game to play.... hide-and-seek through the eternities. **sigh**
When
I wake from this dreaming, I hope to see my mother and my grandmothers
there, grandfathers that I have never met, my uncles and aunts, cousins,
and dear friends. I hope they will meet me at the beginning of my journey and help me cross over.
