I am so loyal that I put my needs and desires on the side to wait....
What am I waiting for?
A broken heart?
For lost love to come back?
I don't know anymore.
What I do know is that I am valuable and I am worthy of being loved fully and completely in every moment; right now. Just because I have been tossed aside by both husbands does not mean that there is a problem with me even though it does make me feel inadequate, at times.
Last night I went to the gym and a "gentleman caller" was there. He and I had flirted online recently and even went as far as making plans to meet up. He did end up going to the meeting place and I did not. So last night when we seen each other, we did the regular kiss-on-the-cheek-Hawaii-greeting, said a few words, and I walked out. It eventually led to us talking on FB later that evening. Back and forth. Back and forth until I had to drive and couldn't respond. We have quite a long history of knowing each other. He pursued me once when I was 18 and he was 22. He is a nice looking man with a very nice body that all the ladies can appreciate. He can also be a sweetheart too but I've only known him to be a real alpha male, king-of-the-jungle, hot-head type. He has a quick temper.
Why do I tell that story?
Well, why am I not allowing myself to date and just go out and have fun?
Is it because I feel like I have to wait for lost love to come back to me? And with lost love, there are never any guarantees that they will return. Odds are that they probably will not come back. So why am I waiting around like it will?
A dear confidant sent me a commercial that shows a psychiatrist explaining, "Beth, you have FOBO."
"What is FOBO?"
FEAR of Better Options
I was really rocked by her saying that mostly because I never considered looking outward. I have loved only two men in my life. To look for someone else was unthinkable. Why would I want to learn about someone new? Why do I want to go through the trouble of learning to be with someone else and all of their habits and ways?
I knew my first husband since 1994. We married in 1997. Divorced in 2003. That is a lot of time to invest in getting to know someone. I look back at love letters that I wrote to him in the past, when we were both single people, and I was really waiting around for him. Waiting for him to realize that I was a good woman. Waiting for him to love me back with the same passion that I had. We met when I was 18 - the prime of my life. He was 29. I was in College surrounded by horny, single men and all I wanted was him. I waited for him to want me back. Why did I do that? Even back then, did I have a Fear of Better Options or was it because I had settled into a familiar comfort with him?
Enter second husband. We met and married in 2003 and here we are in 2016, newly divorced. I used to hang on his every word and his every emotion. I truly respected him and had sincere and genuine love for him. Even now, I look back at our good times and the fun we used to have and feel gratitude for those moments. The past couple of months have been a trial in patience and me learning to flow like water and to not resist what is happening in my life. If I don't talk to him, I'm okay but we just spent the last 13 years together and I miss his presence in my day-to-day. And those 13 years was precious time that I invested in the hope of FOREVER. Now, as I navigate this new freedom, I feel stuck wanting him to want US again. Am I waiting? Why am I waiting?
And this idea of being fearful of better options. Am I afraid of possibility? Most of me wants the comfort and familiarity of the love that I lost. Having this kind of tunnel vision, this desire for lost love, makes me so vulnerable instead of wide open to possibility. Today I choose to be wide open.
Really, what I desire is someone to love me fully and completely right now. I don't want to wait.... anymore. I am swept away in a longing for romantic professions of eternal love but more than that, I want action and yet I cannot go down that path again. My second husband, in our short courtship before we married, swept me away in a sea of action so quick and steady that there weren't any options but to marry him. His romantic gestures were so grand in expectation that I fell hard and quick. I recognize that and I vow to make different choices this time around.
I will make different choices. Choices that honors my destiny and my authentic path. Life is a meandering river with rapids and quiet lulls, stony paths, waterfalls, and beautiful views! I am riding along its banks or maybe I am smack dab in the middle of its width; one thing is for sure, my life has gathered new energy, a new zeal for living. The grey skies have parted and I move forward with intent. New love will not be my purpose but an extension of my purpose. And when he, whoever he is, makes himself available and exclusive to me it is because we have become extensions of each other, electrons orbiting around each other and through each other. I look forward with hopeful eyes that love will find me again but I am not waiting anymore. I am wide open to possibility!