"...when you have nothing to be ashamed of, when you know who you are and what you stand for, you stand in wisdom. Insight. Strength and Protection. You stand in peace." ~Oprah Winfrey
This past weekend I went to Vegas with the bestie. We had both talked about doing a girls trip for a long time and it just happened to be our 25th High School Reunion. So we went and had a blast. Thank you to her hubby for agreeing to this trip.
One of the things that makes her my bestie is that I NEVER have to hide my true feelings from her, no matter what is going on in my life. I am NEVER afraid to speak my truth with her. She never judges, never makes me feel bad for wanting what I want even if it makes NO SENSE to her. And the funny thing is that most times, she can see through my facade when I'm trying to "fake it" and usually calls me on it after entertaining me for awhile. I feel no shame if I begin to sob my eyes out because 100% of the time, she's sobbing her eyes out with me.
Every time we get together we do a little bit of everything. We do some partying, pampering at the spa, we've added gambling to our fun-things-to-do (even before this trip), watch some really good shows, movies, shopping, eating. We even snuck in a visit to a psychic (so random) and a stop at REVOLT Tattoo -- all the while catching up on our lives. And the catching up part is where we let go of all our frustrations and try to make sense of the things happening in our lives, separately.
I cherish the catching-up-part. Especially during this trip. I spoke my truth and I feel so good that I actually admitted it to myself and told my best friend. It's nobody's business what my deepest desire is and when I spoke the words to her - she had the biggest smile and tears of joy that I finally came clean about it. (There is one other person I told but he and I have not spoken since last October.) After unburdening myself from "my truth," I felt different. It was like my mind changed in an instant and I believe that my deepest desire will happen for me.
The first night we arrived, we opened up our bags. We both had bought outfits for each other. She says that the stuff I buy her is wayyy too short and I tell her the stuff she buys for me is too tight or sexy. But it's what we do. We played dress up with all our new outfits before we went out to meet up with our classmates at a Korean Karaoke Bar. Oh my goodness, SoJu is my new drink - peach flavored.
If I talked about everything we did, each day would have its own post. We packed a lot of things into our short weekend. Something we started doing as we left the hotel is take a picture in the full length mirror. I share the pictures below. We always have a good time when we're together. Next girl's trip... NYC?
Time is just flying. I have just about two weeks left at my job. After this, I will be making my way to South Carolina. That will be home for at least the next year. I am extremely excited to start a new chapter in my life. Though I move forward with trepidation I am also very aware of how blessed I am that I have such a wide circle of close friends and family who help me to move ahead with nothing but my best foot forward. It's amazing how much has happened in the last year. I am grateful that I am not the girl I was just a year ago. When I was going through the break-up, I was very sad for several weeks. Sometimes the sadness creeps up now and I cry my eyes out until I feel some relief. I pick myself up and keep moving forward. One day I will be able to talk about this without all the pain. For right now, I will just have to cry through it.
When the ex and I split last year, he moved out first. Eventually, I moved out so that we could prepare the home to be sold. I downsized considerably. We sold almost everything. He took one bed and I sold the other. He took the big TV and I sold the other one. We sold all the other furniture. I downsized my library of books considerably. I don't like to think of how many books I donated to Goodwill because each book was so precious to me. I had to detach from my relationship with the words on those pages and yet I still have tons of books that I kept.
Throughout the past two weeks, I have been combing through my stuff again. This time, I am downsizing for my move to South Carolina. It is unbelievable the amount of paperwork that I was able to throw out. I have had to decide what to keep, what to shred, what to send back to my ex, etc. etc. I came across our marriage certificate. We got married in Illinois right outside of St. Louis. I remember that it was a very cold and wet November day. I also came across our divorce decree. My own hand wrote out every single detail on that decree. How did I have the strength to separate the material things of our lives in that application for divorce. It is not even what I wanted and yet my handwriting is all over it. Normally, if you go through an attorney they draw up the paperwork and draft a formal decree separating the details of a couple's life. We did it on our own, without a lawyer. It's cheaper (for him) and I am not an idiot where I can't figure out the paperwork. I tear up just remembering that day. My stomach was in knots all morning long as I sat there in our living room filling out paperwork before the courthouse opened. I distinctly remember the clerk at the court looking at us as so strange because we weren't crying or fighting at her window. That doesn't mean that I didn't want to cry, it just means that I maintained a calm decorum so as not to embarrass myself or him.
Yesterday, as I was going through a bin of stuff, I came across a birthday card from my ex. It brought tears to my eyes and almost thwarted my efforts to pack my belongings. I am not surprised at the emotion that it stirred in me. I will always be a sentimental fool. It is probably one of my trademarks. I have held on to pieces of clothing, material, letters, pictures, broken jewelry all in the name of sentimental value. In fact, I just parted with a gold hoop earring that I received from my ex. He brought the pair as a gift for me while he was deployed to Iraq. I was so bummed when I lost one side of the pair on a trip to Europe.
I don't remember what year he wrote the card to me but it had to have been during one of our happy years because of what he wrote. "To the best wife a man could have. I love you."
I remember when he used to feel like that about me. Like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Like I complimented his life. Like there could never be another that he would ever love. Like his world started and stopped with me. And I don't regret anything that has happened - not our meeting and falling madly, deeply in love or our private nuptials all by ourselves in Illinois (we eloped), or our wedding dinner at Olive Garden - just the two of us. I don't even regret our break up. Of course if I could choose, I would have selected to stay together and work on our relationship. I did not know I had driven him to the point where he just did not want to be with me any more.
None of it matters and yet all of it matters. All of it contributes to the ever evolving me. It makes me who I am - this deeply feeling woman. The falling in love and the broken heart adds facets to my life that eventually will glow and shimmer in the light just like a diamond. The more facets, the more light I reflect. I love that my heart is so weathered and has so much mileage on it. Truly, one day I will sparkle even brighter than I do now. And though I do not wish this pain on anyone, I am so extremely proud of my ability to rise above the hurt.
I am ready for this move to South Carolina. I am more sure about this than anything I have ever done before. I am so ready to do what makes me happy and so ready to live out my wildest dreams. It is so exciting to move in a direction that frees me, liberates me, and pushes me to be the best version of myself.
One year ago, today, I was signing divorce papers. No doubt, this has been a most challenging year for me but it has also been full of growth and change and new beginnings.
In just about thirty days or so, I am leaving my island home and making my way in the world. ALONE. The path of least resistance is pulling me in a direction that I NEVER, in a million years, saw coming. I would have never guessed that I would ever live in South Carolina. Even now, I am still amazed that I am going to call that home for at least the next year or so. Who knows where I will go next?
I saw something on Facebook that reminded me so much of this past year and all the changes.
Anything that annoys you is teaching you PATIENCE. Anyone who abandons you is teaching you how to STAND UP on your own two feet. Anything that angers you is teaching you FORGIVENESS and COMPASSION. Anything that has power over you is teaching you how to TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. Anything you hate is teaching you UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Anything you fear is teaching you COURAGE to overcome your fear. Anything you can't control is teaching you how to LET GO.
When you're in the muck of a break-up, it's difficult to see outside of the sphere of hurt. It's hard to feel anything but sadness and anger and abandonment especially when breaking-up was not my choice. I have truly learned patience and to trust the process, to heal, to let go, and to soar above my hurt. I will always see my ex as a beautiful soul. Even now, I feel a tinge of jealousy. I am jealous of the person he will grow old with. And maybe he will do as he says he will and live out the rest of his days alone. In any case, my love for him is unconditional and I see him as God intended. I will always only have respect for his decision to leave. His courage is far stronger than mine was when we were together. Even in my unhappiness I remained silent whereas he did the hardest thing and severed our relationship. I hate to admit it but he was right. He told me when we were divorcing that one day I would thank him for doing this, that one day I would see that he was right about this break up and that it needed to happen.
**deep breath**
He's right even though I am not yet at that stage where I am grateful for this break up, I'm almost there. I am sure in the coming days and weeks and months, I will see the wisdom in this turn of events. Often we go through our day to day life just existing, almost robotic. I vow to never live in that dreary gray again.
What a difference a year makes.
I have made new friends. Rekindled old friendships. Fostered relationships that have been neglected over the years. And I think I am going to be okay. I move ever so confidently in the direction of my wildest dreams and I honor the people who have stuck with me through this whole process. I don't think they will ever know their full value to me, no matter how much I might say it. I am so humbled by the beautiful support system I have. My friends. My family. Wow! I thank God for all of them. I can't even name them all because my circle is wide and far.
Today, I will look in the mirror and wish myself Happy Divorce Anniversary. The world is wide open.
Today marks the eighth wedding anniversary of my sister/cousin and her husband. I was one of two matrons of honor in their wedding. As I was preparing a collage to post to my social media wall, I had to dig through pictures from that time in my life. And there are dozens of pictures of my ex husband and I. It brought tears to my eyes to see us in bliss. We had such a tight bond. We were truly best friends for a good part of our marriage. I never gave up on us nor did I ever give up on him. Every person has a limit and the moment we signed our divorce papers, my commitment to him ENDED. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel love for him, it just means that I am no longer obligated to be a faithful friend and lover. He obviously moved on and so must I.
Since our split, he always talks about us being friends. He talks about going to dinner before either of us leave the island. On the surface, it seems harmless but my heart just can't take it and I told him as much. I believe the last text to him about us being friends went like this, "I'm here if you need anything but I will never see you as just my friend." It's true. My heart aches when I think of our good times together. I see him as such a beautiful soul but this divorce and how it all went down is just too much for my heart to handle. I am the most faithful and loyal companion a man could ever want in his corner and I will never understand why I was the first thing that he wanted to clear from his life. The same thing went down with my first husband.
I'm lucky in love, meaning I never have a problem finding someone to love and someone to love me. The problem is getting him to stay forever. And maybe that's not in the stars for me and it scares the hell out of me to grow old - alone. Though I can thrive and flourish in solitude, I love the idea of growing old with a companion that I love romantically. I had hope that my now ex-husband was that guy. I'm going to be 42 in a few weeks and this is not how I pictured my life. At the same time, I'm grateful to have this shock to my life. It has propelled me out of living in "the gray" and has given me all the motivation to chase my wildest dreams. There are no more excuses. I can't blame my husband because I don't have one. I can't blame my children because I don't have any. There is nothing holding me back anymore.
This brings me back to the origination of this post. As I look at the pictures from my cousin's wedding and I see the beautiful life I had with my ex, I will move forward with gratitude that he and I happened. Even if he only wanted me for just a season of his life, I am grateful that I experienced the love that we did share. And though his flame for me faded, I will always carry him in my heart. All of the special times that we've shared and all our travels together and how we made it work for 13 years - I will remember the good times. And for the record, I am a good woman but he is a good man too. I know I toot my own horn a lot but I have to give him much respect and credit because he was good to me through most of our marriage. This is why it is so difficult to see him leave my life and I will always want to be his ride-or-die.
A dear friend of mine sent a song to me over the web. I don't know if it's because I had posted on Facebook that I visited my mom's grave that he decided to send me the song. For whatever reason he did, I am grateful for the message I received from hearing it. It has been on repeat all day. Well Done by Deitrick Haddon is the song. The lyrics are quite simple and the music is beautiful but the pleading in Deitrick's voice is so compelling. I embedded the video at the bottom of the post. Maybe you can let it play as you read this post.
These past few months have been difficult for me. The divorce from my husband of thirteen years really did a number on me. An unexpected event like this has really humbled me and brought me to my knees. I find myself so hungry for spiritual enlightenment; to feel the spirit of the Creator around me. I hunger for it above any search for love and companionship. I don't quite know how it all works but a few experiences in recent months have forced me to recognize God's tender mercies in my life and I am grateful.
Both my mother and father are staunch Christians. Though I was raised with such a strong foundation, I find that my curiosity for other spiritual practices is so much stronger than my Christian background. And yet, I have a soft spot for the teachings I was raised to believe. Above all, Love is paramount. Compassion. Forgiveness. Service.
The first couple of weeks after my ex said he wanted a divorce were extremely difficult. Extremely! I found myself crying myself to sleep all throughout the day and all through the night. Part of me was so upset and disappointed with my husband's decision to walk away from our relationship. I thought of how I would now be alone in the world and that I would grow old without a companion to journey through life with. I thought of my parents who were married to each other until my mother passed. That's forty-plus years of commitment. Coming up, I didn't know very many marriages that ended in divorce. My parent's generation was true ride-or-die relationships, so to see my second marriage come to an end just about tore me apart. My loyalty is so fierce and so powerful. Why wouldn't a man want that kind of woman in his corner? I know my value and I cannot understand why a man would trade me in.
In those first days, I leaned heavy upon my popps and my older brother for comfort. I am fiercely independent and rarely ever ask anyone for help. But the pain of this broken heart could not be soothed without help from above. My popps and my older brother laid their hands upon my head and put a blessing on me so strong and so powerful that I was sobbing. I have never seen my father cry, in all of my 41 years, not even at my mother's funeral service. But that day, as he prayed over me, he choked up and I could hear him cry and felt his tears drop on me. We felt so strongly the spirit of my mother all around us. I felt her holding me up, and drying my tears, and telling me that everything would be fine. God's tender mercy was upon me that day because I rarely feel my mother's presence. That day, in those moments with my father and older brother, we felt her all around us and I knew that I would be just fine. I knew that I was not alone.
On a recent trip to "the South." I was driving on a lonely road. It was late at night and most of the roads in Georgia and South Carolina are not equipped with street lights. My drive from Atlanta through Georgia and South Carolina was a great time for me to clear my head. The long monotonous drive gave me plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts. My life since splitting from my ex-husband has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, of decisions and indecision, and full of so much change. I really needed that distance from all things familiar to think through the pressing issue of where I want to take my life.
My drive that evening should have happened much earlier than it had, meaning I should have been driving while it was still daylight. My arrival in Atlanta was four hours delayed. I should have made it to my destination by 7p but with the delay, it was now estimated to be 11p. As I made my way along the roads, I was just about 70 miles from the coast. That's where I wanted to be - the Coast. I wanted to look out on a different ocean than the beautiful Pacific. Perhaps, I could make a life along the banks of a new body of water; far away from the Pacific. I love the Pacific but I feel a wave of change surging inside of me and I am going to ride it to wherever it takes me.
The GPS had taken me along a very lonely road. I had not seen a car for miles. I felt like I was in an episode of Scooby Doo. Every town I had ventured through was dark and void of life. Spooky. Creepy. I felt like I had stepped back in time and I felt very alone, like the whole world had turned their back on me. I almost shed tears thinking I had made a big mistake for getting on the road all alone, in a place that was completely unfamiliar to me. I approached a fork in the road and went right instead of left. I had to back track, turn around and go back to the fork and take the left. I distinctly remember uttering out loud, "God, please watch over me. Please get me where I need to be safely." Inside, I was slightly terrified and feeling like I had made so many mistakes in my life and it was manifesting on this road trip. The delay with the airplane, the long and lonely drive through the darkness, taking the wrong road; these were all little events that were heavy on my mind as I made my way toward the coast.
Imagine pitch blackness, not a single street light, just the stars to light my way and the solitary light beams from my rental car. From the right side of my periphery, I see a deer shoot out into the lonely road. The animal was taller than my car and it's antlers were large and well-developed. The excitement of nearly reaching my destination had suddenly turned to panic as the large animal collided with my vehicle. It happened so quickly. As I think through the collision and slow it down in my mind, I am humbled and in awe of my experience and the tender mercy of God's hand in those moments.
Upon impact, all of the airbags in the vehicle deploy and there is a strong burning odor. I was so stunned and in a state of shock that I don't realize that I may have been in danger by remaining in the middle of the road or that possibly the burning odor could mean that the car was on fire. I was just in utter disbelief. I have heard horror stories of people getting knocked out and bruised by the airbags. Every single airbag had been spent. There was one at my feet, one that came out of the steering wheel and a curtain alongside the sides of the car and from the top of the windshield. I have also heard stories about the severe bruising that comes from the seat belt holding you in place. I had not lost consciousness but I was definitely dazed.
God's tender mercy was upon me because I did not have a single scratch on my body. I was not bruised. I did not suffer any whiplash. My back was fine. When Highway Patrol arrived, the Officer told me that the deer was back several yards away and was indeed dead. I felt a tinge of guilt for having taken the life of the deer without doing something useful with it's sacrifice, like maybe feeding a family. And yet, all I could feel was gratitude for being fully alive and not a single scratch on my body. I was definitely shaken up but feeling nothing but God's love upon me for watching over me so closely even when it seemed as if I did not deserve his/her watchful care.
Both events, feeling my mother around me in late September on up to the trip that found me on the side of a lonely road with a wrecked car in January, were eye-openers to how closely I am loved and cared about from on high. Even in my most sinful pursuits and dark behavior, my mother is reaching out to me from beyond the grave and God is watching me, ever caring for my safety and well-being. Thank you dear friend for sending me this song. It prompted this post. The song had me reflecting on God's hand in my life. I kneel in humility and am strengthened by the thought of seeing my mother again.
I just wanna make it to heaven I just wanna make it in I just wanna cross that river I wanna be free from sin Ooh I just want my name written (Oh Lord) Written in the lamb's Book of Life When this life is over
Choosing a disciplined life has its perks and the flip side is fraught with temptation and difficult choices. Having lived a portion of my life following the path of hedonism, sometimes I miss the life I left behind... the carefree-ness of everything carnal. Alcohol was a favorite of mine. Slushy, yummy drinks, and an entire segment of nightlife suddenly open to me again -- the thought was/is alluring. I have spent many weekends in the last couple of months wholly preoccupied with the idea of indulging.
Then something happened this weekend; something so simple, so quiet, so peaceful, something I'm not sure I was really looking for. It was a revelation! An epiphany.
Nothing is ever coincidence. I'm absolutely sure of that. Every random act is not random at all but are necessary events to help me reach my potential. So as I sat in the 3PM session of the Laie Hawaii Temple Rededication on Sunday -- a session that I hadn't planned on attending because I had made other plans -- found myself contemplating how husband and I had suddenly obtained tickets.
The Creator knows me. He knows my heart and my desire to be better than I am today. He knows my struggle and my battle with my previous lifestyle. One of the speakers expressed,
OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY TO TRUE FREEDOM!
That simple phrase caused the wheels in my head to start turning and I found myself understanding my struggle and seeing it for what it really is. It's like a "lightbulb went on". (Thank you Mrs. Leger for using that phrase in the comment section. It's so appropriate!)
The epiphany: I have been alcohol/drug/tobacco-free for five years. I have been blessed for eliminating those particular things that don't serve me. I have conquered it. Why would I turn back?
Immediately, all my desire to return to my former life left me. I'm grateful for an all-knowing CREATOR who is so mindful of all my needs.
I feel like I talk about my parents all the time so if you've heard this story before -- I apologize in advance.
I'm home in Hawai'i mostly to put my mind at ease about the health condition of my mother. That is our relationship today -- me, the caregiver for my mother. Though she still gets around well enough, she is nowhere near how she used to be just five years ago. She's still around after five strokes, kicking cancer, a broken knee, and now she battles diabetes. I can't call it, why she's still around with all the health problems she suffers from, except maybe she has just an unbelievable will to live. I have resolved to not question what the cosmic forces have prepared for me. I know there are countless lessons to be learned by serving my mother. I have always known, as a daughter of a Samoan woman, that it was/is my duty to care for her as she ages. I watched her do it with her mother and her grandmother. Both women lived in our home. I'm so lucky to have known them.
My mother is quite the dancer. Her taualuga was a sight to behold.
Mom is 'afakasi' - half cast - Samoan/Swedish... what a combination.
My mother is from the village of Vaitoloa in Western Samoa. She left there as soon as she graduated from school. I believe she graduated from Pesega. She has never been back since. All she's talked about in the last couple of years is returning to Samoa... for good. I hear such great longing in her voice and wish I could take her back there not only to see the joy in her face but also to connect with the precious soil that she will always call home. I wish I could feel the breeze on my face, as she did when she was a little girl, while riding bareback on her horse. I wish I could be as daring as she, eating fruit bats and grubs, swinging from trees into the stream, and eating sea urchins fresh from the ocean.
My mother at the plantation where she loves to be... even now. Her knife in her arm, ready to siva!
My mother was the eldest girl of 17 siblings. My grandmother was widowed after child number 16. She bore two more after the passing of my grandfather. My grandmother, without any real options, was forced to take on work for American Mormon missionaries. This left my mother in charge of the entire brood. I can't imagine the gravity and the weight of having to care for all those children. This has shaped and formed her and consequently has influenced me as well. She truly is the embodiment of a scripture in the Old Testament:
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
-Proverbs 31: 10, 27-29
My father. I don't quite know how my father learned to be a father because he did not grow up with his father. My grandfather died as a young man, leaving my grandmother with seven children to raise. Alone. I am in such awe of the great man he is. His tenderness and mercy upon me, as the former "Black Sheep" of the family, amazes me. My love for my father, rather the love my father has for me is probably best expressed in his actions.
My father with the Ukulele... way before I was even a glimmer in his eyes. He is Hawaiian/Chinese.
My father served in the Air Force during the Vietnam War.
I remember as a very little girl, I always wanted to hang out with my cousins. I'd pretend that I was a big girl and could sleep over my grandmothers house with all my cousins and not get homesick. Mom and Dad would leave me there thinking that all was well. Then, one by one, as the cousins drifted off to sleep, there I was alone and suddenly VERY homesick. My father at home, 30 minutes away, would turn around and come back for me whether it was midnight or three in the morning. That has always stayed with me. Even now, I think how tender his love for me must be. I equate that to the love of a Heavenly Father/ God. If he's anything like my mortal father then I am indeed in deep admiration and gratitude for the abundance of love in my life.
My father is an avid Martial Artist. He is very accomplished in Gojyu Karate. In his late 30's he took on Kung Fu. He has mastered them all.
My father and I. He is the greatest dad!
19 years old... in the midst of my rebellion from the values I was raised with. I remember being stuck in Waikiki. Drunk with drunk friends. My car broken down. Broke. No money. Nowhere to go. No way to return home. There weren't any buses running at 2am. One phone call home was all it took. My father was on the scene within an hour. I look back on that and think how terribly selfish I was then. I can't even imagine what my parents thought of me then. I have a perfect rememberance of how terrible I was. Yet my father... and my mother... never gave up on me. Sometimes I still identify with being the 'black sheep'. I'm still very radical in my thinking yet my father's love radiates energy like the sun. I am so blessed! So very lucky to have wonderful parents.
* * * * *
This post was very difficult for me to write. I have been in tears just realizing how much love they have for me. My feelings are so tender for my parents. It seems that our roles are changing as I take on the task of being the caregiver in their home. They are still going strong, still very much in love. I have such great examples of what marriage is and should be. I am humbled that they picked me to be their child in this life. Grateful that this bond, this relationship will last through eternity. I love you mom and dad!
I love being home in the islands. The last three days, I have come home to find fresh produce on the doorstep. Being that I do most of the cooking, I'm always appreciative of gifts. What makes it even more exceptional is that I have no idea who the generous givers are.
Day 1, the watermelon fairy stopped by with two gorgeous offerings. If I knew how to make otai really well, I would have made some. Instead, we opted for watermelon juice. It was delicious! Thanks to Facebook and friends who have thanked their watermelon fairy publicly, I surmise that their fairy is my fairy also. Thank you, Brother O!
Day 2, we came home to find a gigantic long squash. Actually, "someone" dropped it off with the neighbor to give to us. Sweet! I think I'll make an Asian dish with this squash. It always reminds me of my grandmother on my father's side. She used squash in many of her soups and stir fry dishes. I have a good idea who the Bearer of the Long Squash is. He gave me a squash about the same time last year. Sometimes, the 'hardest' men are soft and gooey on the inside. Thank you, Uncle Tommy!
Day 3, the apple-banana queen made a showing. On our doorstep was a plastic bag full of apple-banana's, which is my mother's favorite. We're still enjoying these delicious little offerings! I'm not sure who brought this by and I can't even tell you that I have a clue who it is. There are no leads on this one.
I'm sure this happens all over the world especially in little towns. For me, I'm just glad to be home... happy that I get to enjoy random produce gifts!
I've been meaning to start my garden again. Since fruits and vegetables can be started at anytime here, I don't really have to wait for spring. My favorite thing to grow are green beans or bush beans. They produce so quickly. I'm always amazed at how fast they blossom. This time I'm also going to plant some mustard cabbage. Wish me luck!
Every year I seem to extend the birthday celebration beyond August 4th. I went through a phase where I didn't really want to spend time with anyone on my day. I just wanted to lounge and DO NOTHING or if I wanted to shop, I wanted to do it in peace and quiet. This year, that changed.
August 4th came so quickly. In an instant, I turned 35 years old. We had plans to go to Best Buy to pick up my birthday gift from the husband, a Nikon D5000. That didn't quite pan out as I had hoped. Husband felt the need to invite the Jehovah Witnesses in. Normally, this is not a problem at all for me. I enjoy a robust conversation about religion. This time around though, the women that came to the door did not come to share a message of hope, or love, or peace. They came to condemn me and my house for our belief system. I was very disappointed with that. The experience stayed with me for several days. Actually, it still comes to mind. I think of how limited their view is of the eternities. **sigh**
We went joy riding EVERYWHERE and ended up back home with plans of ending the day and evening at Dave and Busters, dinner at Buca Di Beppo's. That too didn't quite pan out as I had intended but I'm a firm believer that nothing is random. As we were readying to head out the door, I just had a funny feeling. I stalled for a good hour before we finally left the house. As we rounded the bend around Mokoli'i (Chinaman's Hat), going toward Kaneohe, the cars were beginning to back up. Indeed, just three cars ahead of us was a terrible accident. It was a brand new accident -- an accident I know I was spared from because I had stalled at home that extra hour. I was not disappointed at all to have to turn around and go home. Instantly, I thought of calling my cousin who works as a server at The Palm Terrace. I was glad to hang with my husband, my two sisters -- Michelle (and her boyfriend) and Marie.
So August 4th happened to be on a Wednesday. Saturday came along and my dear, sweet cousin Mahea took me and the fam parasailing. It was the most beautiful day ever and such a wonderful, wonderful experience!!
Super exciting day! The adrenalin was far too much for such a peaceful experience.
I'm not sure if the terror is apparent on my face. I was absolutely terrified but excited at the same time.
That's me in the air... flying high in the sky.
Thank You Mahealani (the girl with the shaka) -- the most resourceful girl ever... especially when it comes to ocean activities.
So the birthday festivities did not end there. I got two pairs of earrings... gorgeous, gorgeous Polynesian jewelry using traditional materials in new ways. The end of the festivities were tickets for the husband and I to The Shaq All Star Comedy Show. The Hawai'i show was hosted by Charlie Murphy (Eddie Murphy's brother). First comic up was Aries Spears -- who was, by far, the funniest comedian of the night. I really thought I was going to pee in my pants. Second comic was Deray Davis. He took a little while to get into his groove but once he got going -- he was funny. The final comedian was D.L. Hughley and he sucked the big one! I am not a fan of D.L. and seeing him live CONFIRMED it. uggghhhh!!!
Husband and I after the show... so high from laughing so hard. It was like there was laughing gas in the room. Comedians were raunchy as heck but... laughing that hard felt so good!
These were the sponsors of the evening. Mr. and Mrs. Slack -- Thank you mucho!! These are the two that just got home from Iraq.... welcomed them home just a week or two before the show.
So finally, my birthday celebration has come to an end. I'm super excited about this 35th year. I'm ready for whatever is coming my way. Thank you, Lord, for my beautiful family, for my health and strength, for the abundance I enjoy, for true friends, for LOVE!
Did the month of June go by without a post from me? Yikes! I have truly been busy with school and taking in the ocean. Every opportunity that I've had, I have gone directly to the ocean or hiking in the mountains. Friends on facebook have seen some of the shots I've taken with my camera. All the freetime is coming to an end. I'm headed back to the rat race. Work begins on Tuesday. I haven't had a "real" job since last September. It's been a great extended vacation but it's time to get back to work.
My only regret has been that I haven't lived in the moment throughout the last year. I was always looking behind me at what was left behind... job, family, paradise, etc. I didn't concentrate on the single moments that were passing me by. The road trips back and forth across the United States were interesting and probably went by too quickly that I didn't really take it all in. If I could do it all again, I'd surely have lived in the moment. If I knew the end result was going to be that husband and I would be returning back to Hawai'i, I probably would have truly enjoyed the experience more. Something inside me always knew that I'd return, I just didn't think it would be this soon.
I'm excited to get back to work. I've worked for this particular employer before. When I met my husband I was working for this international organization. My husband says that my job title and the "dough" I was making when we met attracted him to me. Gold Digger!!!! lol... (We celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary in November.) No doubt, the money is better than what I was making when I left Hawai'i. The raises are also handed out based on the sales volume of the company and with the amount of development that is happening in Waikiki, the money will only get better. Even in this economy, this organization is still hiring. Love it! When I worked for this employer before, my office overlooked a beautiful lagoon that was adjacent to Waikiki Beach. Now, the offices have moved to the 33rd floor of a building overlooking Honolulu Harbor and Waikiki Beach. How lucky am I? I'm excited.
The past year has been spent moving around. No matter where we were, nothing felt right. Jobs weren't biting like my husband had expected. The environment had much to be desired. We just didn't fit in any of the places we visited. As soon as we get back to Hawai'i, everything starts opening up. Husband gets a gig with the Feds with great medical and dental and all that good stuff. I get my old gig back. Even us deciding to move back to Hawai'i was pretty intense. The minute we decide to get back on the island we sell all our possession AGAIN, get on the road, and within a week of deciding to leave Utah we're back in Hawai'i. Life is really good.
Has it really been a week since my last post? Wow! Time flies. It's funny how I don't work, haven't been really busy doing much but didn't find time to get on my blog.... and blogging is something I really enjoy. Well, we're getting ready to move back west and I'm super duper excited. Everything is set and ready to go. Life is amazing and I'm ready to get out of this place. As soon as husband decided that Alabama wasn't for him (I already knew that it wasn't for me), it was as if God's entire universe was in on the decision. Money "fell from the sky" in support of this move. Serious. That always humbles me... the way things that I need and want manifests in my life. I am extremely grateful!
The most compelling reason why we're moving is because we just don't fit here. The level of consciousness of the people here is not exactly on our level. Not that we're extremely advanced or anything but we have moved beyond what we've found here in Alabama. I attribute this "change" in us to our commitment to living a healthy lifestyle, from regular exercise everyday, minimal meat in our diet, weekly worship, and an enduring humility, respect, and love for GOD. This has truly separated us from the average person in Alabama and I am truly grateful. Grateful in the sense that I'm no longer lost, without a direction because I'm no better than any Alabama-an. I am, however, different and I just don't "fit" here. My commitment to pursuing a life full of love, light, and truth has been so very fulfilling.
I miss my parents and my family immensely. Especially my nieces and nephew. However, I realize now that they have infused so much of their goodness in me. And for right now, in this moment, I know that I experience all of this because I come from good stock and I am strong enough to perpetuate that. It is as if I have an increased appreciation for my heritage, for the neighborhood that I come from, for the people that I have been surrounded by in the community, for the high school I went to, for my religious affiliation... well, you get the picture. I am very grateful for all the people who have ever contributed to my life. I am humbled when I look back at my pride and ignorance of yesterday. Hopefully that will never be a problem again. **sigh**
Life is such a beautiful process, especially if you're open to possibilities. The most difficult time in our lives are truly the proving grounds; it is the process by which the 'dross' or the impurities in our lives are pushed out. The best thing to do is to hold on tight and move through it. I'm moving through it and I know you can too.
I love the quiet of early morning, when all is still in the world. It's just me, this laptop, reflective music, and more gratitude affirmations than I could ever repeat. Yes! This morning I am so grateful for all the good things that come into my life. I am so fortunate, so blessed, so filled with a sense of purpose. With this mood, I cannot completely express what I feel and I'm reduced to quoting someone else. So, click play on the video and let the music put you in some kind of mood. Please don't ask me what she's singing about because I have no idea. However, the music is hauntingly beautiful and makes me homesick for somewhere beyond this world.
While the music is playing, read the following selections from various portions of a book that I really enjoy, written by an author that MOVES me.
Intention is endlessly abundant. There's no scarcity in the universal invisible world of Spirit. The cosmos itself is without end. How could there be an end to the universe? What would be at the end? A wall? So how thick is the wall? And what's on the other side of it? As you contemplate connecting to intention, know in your heart that any attitude you have that reflects a scarcity consciousness will hold you back. A reminder here is in order. You must match intention's attributes with your own in order to capitalize on those powers in your life.
Abundance is what God's kingdom is about. Imagine God thinking, I can't produce any more oxygen today, I'm just too tired; this universe is big enough already, I think I'll erect that wall and bring this expansion thing to a halt. Impossible! You emerged from a consciousness that was and is unlimited. So what's to prevent you from rejoining that limitless awareness in your mind and holding on to these pictures regardless of what goes before you? What prevents you is the conditioning you've been exposed to during your life, which you can change today - in the next few minutes if you so desire.
...It's all about having an inner picture of abundance, thinking in unlimited ways, being open to the guidance that intention provides when you're in a state of rapport with it -- and then being in a state of ecstatic gratitude and awe for how this whole thing works. Every time I see a coin on the street, I stop, pick it up, put it into my pocket, and say out loud, "Thank you, God, for this symbol of abundance that keeps flowing into my life." Never once have I asked, "Why only a penny, God? You know I need a lot more than that."
...If your expectations for yourself center on being normal, just getting along, fitting in, and being an ordinary person, you'll resonate to ordinary frequencies, and you'll attract more of normal and ordinary into your life. Furthermore, your impact on others as potential allies in co-creating your intentions will also revolve around ordinary. The power of intention occurs when you're synchronized with the all-creating universal force, which is anything but ordinary. This is the power that's responsible for all of creation.
Like I said, I am very grateful and very humbled today. Go ahead and purchase the book, Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer. Open your mind to a more inclusive God than the one that's wrapped around dogma. Blog about your reaction to the book. His words always makes me reflect on all the things that I need to change and points out all the things that are right in my world. Peace and love!
Well, husband and I have moved into our apartment. This apartment is extremely large. It is a two bedroom-two bath and it could quite possibly be as large, if not larger, than my childhood home. I am loving that I'm in my own space again. $581 is the rent. Can't beat that! Seriously!
What I KNOW for sure is that the Creator/ the Universe gives me everything and more. Just think, I came to Alabama with one suitcase, one carry-on, and 15 boxes to my name. Husband and I sold or gave away EVERYTHING back in August. Furniture, TV's, Tempurpedic Bed, Appliances. We got rid of it all and came with nothing but our favorite books and all my personal diaries and half of our clothing. Now, I'm in my own space again having replaced everything that I left and sold four months ago.
This is the Creator that I know; one that gives without judging or qualifying me. Though I fought tooth and nail to remain in the islands, I know that I'm supposed to be here in Alabama at this time. Once I let go and let God, HE will provide the rest and HE has! I'm not materialistic at all but acquiring this STUFF is one of the manifestations that the "world" measures.
I don't even have a job yet and I have been nearly restored to my original standing. Amazing! Though it is nowhere near the islands of my birth (it's not home), it will do for now. I will FOREVER long for the islands no matter where I am in the world. Thank You God for the beauty of my life.
I am humbled by the love God has for me. Folks, I wish I could share the things that are transpiring in my life right now.... but they are far too sacred to share and wayyy too close to my heart to have it posted on this page.
I did want to share, however, that I am just one person... and in this great big universe, HIS EYES are on me.
HE means to grant EVERY righteous desire of my heart... and I am humbled by HIS great love for me.
His name shall endure for ever: his name shall be continued as long as the sun: and men shall be blessed in him: all nations shall call him blessed.
Blessed be the Lord God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things.
And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his glory; Amen, and Amen.
. That didn't quite pan out as I had hoped. Husband felt the need to invite the Jehovah Witnesses in. Normally, this is not a problem at all for me. I enjoy a robust conversation about religion. This time around though, the women that came to the door did not come to share a message of hope, or love, or peace. They came to condemn me and my house for our belief system. I was very disappointed with that. The experience stayed with me for several days. Actually, it still comes to mind. I think of how limited their view is of the eternities. **sigh**
. Open your mind to a more inclusive God than the one that's wrapped around dogma. Blog about your reaction to the book. His words always makes me reflect on all the things that I need to change and points out all the things that are right in my world. Peace and love!