A year ago I was stuck on the side of the road in Nowhere, South Carolina (not a real town). I had struck a deer in my rental car and I was unable to continue my drive to the coast. A seemingly random event that, all things considered, was really just a random event has actually changed the course of my life. I look back at a year ago and the heavy heart that I carried around with me. I was newly divorced, had a really bad experience with an ex over the 2016 Christmas holiday, and was in such a bad place. The open roads of Georgia and South Carolina called to me. I needed the time and the space and the open road to just think and ponder how I would lift myself out of the dark place I was in.
I flew from Honolulu, Hawai'i to Atlanta, Georgia. I had not planned to hang with family in Georgia but I selected Georgia specifically because I had family nearby. I like having the comfort of knowing that people I can count on could be called in the case of an emergency. I was searching for something, anything, to make my heart happy again. My intention was to find that place in me through the silence of the dark roads and the seemingly endless open highway. As I picked up my rental car, I selected to travel east, south east to the eastern shores of South Carolina and Georgia. I wanted to look out onto the Atlantic Ocean to see if maybe I could find a new ocean to love - far away from the Pacific.
I have a love affair with the ocean. I will never stop loving the ocean and the feeling of being submerged in its waters. The Pacific, though, reminded me of all the good times I have had with the two loves of my life - both are ex-husbands now - and I just wanted to run away. Run far away from the place that I loved so much. I was hungry for new experiences and new places. I wanted to let my hair down and find the authentic me that was so caged up in Hawai'i. I wanted to run away from the pain and the hurt that I felt at the hands of my newly single ex-husband. I wanted to love him forever and I suppose a part of me always will but I needed to run away.
5:30 p.m. I pull out of the Atlanta-Hartsfield airport and make my way to I20-E. I drove for hours and hours through Augusta, GA through Columbia, SC. As I made my way toward Myrtle Beach, I pulled off the interstate and onto the lonely county highways. It was dark, so very dark, and I found myself so lost in the sadness and grief that was my life. Nothing like a broken heart to bring a person face to face with all of their flaws and brokenness. I felt alone.
I was just an hour away from Myrtle Beach when I hit the deer. It took hours for the tow truck to get to us because I was in such an isolated location. My cell phone didn't work, the State Trooper took about thirty minutes to get to me. The whole experience had brought me to my knees and illuminated all of my hurt places - not physical hurt but the emotional broken down places inside of me. The tow truck took me to the nearest town and dropped me off at a hotel where I checked in to hunker down for the night.
And then I met someone.
The electric between him and I was thick and so tangible. There is no way to duplicate that kind of fireworks and that kind of chemistry. I am still at a loss when I think of that evening. A seemingly random event like hitting a deer and wrecking my car has changed the course of my life.
Fast forward one year and here I am in South Carolina. I am settled in and about to buy a house on my own. It's all rather bittersweet for me because I have been married for all of my adult life, it seems. I have always had a partner to help me make decisions, especially the big ones like buying a house. There was always someone to share financial responsibility for the household. And here I am doing it all.by.myself. But this is what I wanted - new adventures, new beginnings, and that is the life I have chosen for myself.
And that someone that I met?
The conversation has been ongoing since that fated evening. #1yearLater
I don't know where this road is going to lead but I can say with certainty that NOTHING has unfolded this easily before my eyes. NOTHING. The events and circumstances that lead me to South Carolina can only be defined as a fated road; the path of least resistance pushing me in a clear direction where there is no denial of where it is I need to be. I cannot explain how or why I have moved with such swiftness. My visit in January followed by my visit in June and here I am in October making the move with a job already in place and a "hellafied" support system like no other!
I am extremely grateful for all the moving parts that is making this transition so easy. From my friends and family here in Hawai'i that have put up with me for the last year to my cousins in South Carolina, "my soft spot to land," and all the friends and family from California to Utah to Texas and to Maryland that have dealt with my bouts of sadness and erratic behavior. They are the true MVP's in my world. I don't know the wreck I must have looked like just a year ago but I sure don't feel like that today. And with the job offer I accepted in South Carolina and the adventure that awaits me there, life is only getting better and better. I untangle myself from anything that causes me sadness or causes me to second guess my self worth. Surely if you couldn't recognize my value in the past when it was all yours to have, why should I believe that you see it now?
Who would have ever thought that this island girl would fly away to such a foreign place. South Carolina. I think of it and a smile creeps across my face not just because of the memories that I have already made but because of the new experiences that await me. I feel like I am moving to live in a Nicholas Sparks novel (all of his love stories are set in the Carolinas). **cue romantic music** It excites me and fills me with wonder.
I am going toward living my wildest dream. I am speaking my future into existence. It is already a reality (inside my mind) - I am a published author telling the stories about love and about culture, about relationships romantic and familial. I am writing the memoir that every broken-hearted woman needs to read to see themselves in me and to find their own strength to overcome any sad reality.
Yes. I feel this pull to South Carolina and it represents freedom from my past. It represents me being my most authentic self. It represents new beginnings. I have craved this and longed for it, it seems, all of my life.
Last year was the saddest birthday ever. My now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. We were both so unhappy. I had made plans for dinner and dancing atop the Ala Moana Hotel. It used to be called Aaron's but it's now called Signature Steak House. It still has wrap around views of the mountains, the city, and the ocean. When it was Aaron's, it was definitely one of my favorite spots. I frequented it a lot back in the early 2000's. The men were required to have a coat, which is always a nice, classy touch. The food, the drink, the views were absolutely fantastic. But my most favorite thing was that it featured a hot R&B band that played there on the weekends. They did covers of every single R&B song you can imagine from the 60's to the present. It was something kind of wonderful. I am not sure if the band has continued with the new restaurant but when I made reservations last year, I was hoping that it would still be a feature.
With my then husband and I fighting, I cancelled the reservation. There was no point in having dinner together. We could hardly stand to be in the same room much less have a conversation and be romantic. And I was craving the romance, wanting him to fall back in love with me. I had no idea how to fix whatever was happening with us and I sat idle and watched as our relationship came to a grinding halt. This, by far, has been the most challenging year for me and I have been through some really hard ish in my life.
Marriage number two is down the tubes and I am not sure if I will ever be married again. It is nearly a year since he and I parted ways and I miss him immensely. Recent conversations between he and I have crushed my heart and eeked out every last bit of resolve that I have been holding on to. What I have to do to get me through contact with him is to force myself to think that he will never love me again. And I have to be okay with that. I have to convince my heart and my mind that he has rejected me because he has. Even though every cell in my heart wants to run back to him and feel his strong arms around me, feel his gentle kiss upon my lips, I cannot let him just manipulate me whenever it's convenient for him. The new NEENALOVE will not accept that.
I crave love and affection as much as the next person but I just can't bring myself to put my heart out there again for another person to trample. I crave a deep connection with another soul - that is no doubt. And though I may encounter men that set my soul on fire, at this very moment I have NO desire to completely give my heart away. As a dear friend recently told me, I have a paper heart right now. She said I need to keep building it so that it doesn't shred to pieces at the first hint of rejection. One of these days my ex will not have this effect on me and I will be able to converse with him as if we were old friends. Today is not that day and it is taking EVERYTHING in me to NOT beg him to love me again.
So as my 42nd year commences, my focus is entirely on me and what will make me happy again.
I will not be mistreated.
No more paper hearts!
Lately, my extra-curricular activities have taken me to some shady places. I don't know how I find myself in these places at such ungodly hours of the morning but it has definitely made my skin a little thicker and my resolve to surround myself with good people so much stronger.
I do not look down on the people that I observed in these shady places because each and every person battles their own demons. I do, however, know that I do not want to be affiliated with them. I do not want to be on first-name basis with any of them and certainly do not want them popping up in my life whenever they feel like it. I'm not better than anyone but the vibrational levels that they're at and the level that I'm at are two different things.
I see a friend of mine going down such a dark path and feel ill-equipped to steer her from harm's way. I know that I cannot choose for her. She must choose the road she wants to travel. My wish is that she will come out of this temporary escape from reality unscathed. I ride with her because she is one of my most best friends. When I think of her I think of good times and laughing hysterically. I think of how daring she is and how she casts all doubts aside and walks into any fire completely sure that she will overcome it. I think of how we met as little girls and now we're almost middle-aged and we are still riding together. I think of the tears I have shed over the past nine months as she saw me through my split with my ex-husband. She still sees me through it and lets me vent when I need to and we cry and laugh and say crazy ish to make us feel better.
Separately, we are going through crazy things in our relationships. Me, I'm recently divorced and navigating this new single life. Her, well, that's her story to tell. Not mine.
My ex-husband and I have texted back and forth in recent days. We have become more and more friendly. I don't harbor any malice for him but my heart is still so broken and it's because he left me. I am not an angry person but I can't help but think of everything that my ex and I shared. We were really the best of friends and it's hard to not think of and miss that comfortable place. I am just so confused and unsure about the next move that I need to take. It is hard to make the decision to let go of the illusions of forever with him and yet I know I have to. And once I do let go I will lock that space in my heart that he once occupied, never to be opened again.
I know that I don't want anything serious right now. It's like I have to decompress from having been a married woman for all of my adult life. I enjoy being in a relationship but I'm too old to put up with just anything. I was journaling in my written diary about wanting to be swept off my feet with romance. I want to feel that crazy love - whisked away to exotic destinations and showered with gifts and flowers and affection. Every woman wants that, right?! I'm too old to help a man "build" himself. Can't I just have a partner that is already assembled? I know right now that I may seem all put together but the truth is I am in the building stage too but a year from now, I will be at the top of my game. Hopefully it will be more like six months. Of one thing I am certain: when I have it all together NOTHING and NO ONE is going to interfere with the path that I have chosen for myself.
I spent my Saturday night curled up in bed, feeling ill, craving sleep but unable to shut my eyes. My mind is always on overdrive, overthinking decisions that need to be made, and turning over past choices that I have not made peace with yet. And of all the mindless things that I could do, I selected watching a movie on Hulu to help pass the time. I nixxed the writing for one evening and sat through an entire movie. It's rare for me to have attention enough to sit still and look at a movie without being distracted by social media or the call to write or read a good book. My selection that evening was John Singleton's, Poetic Justice starring Janet Jackson as the lead opposite the late Tupac Shakur. I am a huge John Singleton fan and am sad that he has not put out anything recently. He exploded on the scene in the early 90's with his debut film, Boyz N the Hood. It was, by far, the movie of my teenage life! Though I could never actually relate to the gang lifestyle of South Central L.A. it certainly was a gripping story and portrayal of what goes on in the inner cities of L.A.
Poetic Justice also touches on the issues that hamper young people's lives in L.A. but this is told from the perspective of a young female writer, Justice, played by Janet Jackson. Her escape from her reality is her poetry. I have only watched the movie once prior to this screening. Even though I have always identified with being a writer, the first time I watched it back in the mid-90's, I did not connect with the character of Justice. This time around was so different.
The movie is about love. It's about how this young urban woman deals with her personal issues and how it relates to her finding love. Justice is very skiddish about the idea of opening her heart. In the opening scene, she is at a drive-in theatre with her boyfriend who, based on their dialogue, just got out of lock-up. For young readers that are not familiar with a drive-in theatre, you take your own car into a parking lot where a huge screen is set up to project a film. The sound is either set to a certain radio station that you tune in to or you can park near a speaker that you are able to hear the movie. It is quite an intimate setting as movie-goers are able to carry on conversations or do what lovers do and are still able to maintain a small bit of privacy.
One of my most favorite dates of all time happened at the drive-in theatre. It was after my junior prom. My date and I doubled with my best friend and her date, which was also a good friend of my date. I look back at it with fondness because of the level of respect that was observed between all of us. There was no pressure for any hanky-panky physical activities. The four of us genuinely had a good time and the movie we watched was, White Men Can't Jump, starring Wesley Snipes.
Anyway, Justice's boyfriend is trying desperately to have physical relations with her. She nervously asks him why he loves her. Without skipping a beat he says, "Cause you fine!" She is thoroughly unimpressed by this answer and pushes him off. She distracts him by saying that she wants some popcorn and jujubees. He is reluctant to go but he is still trying to impress her. He exits the car, takes a few steps toward the snackbar then races back to the car. He tells her, "You want to know what I love about you? I loved that you sent me all those nice poems when I was locked up." She blushes. For a deep-feeling person like Justice, that was the right answer or at least a large step in the right direction.
I can certainly identify with Justice's search for a man that can see into her and not just her physical beauty. I know that has always been the most important thing to me - that a man could see my soul as it is and love that part of me the most. Physical beauty fades. I don't pretend to be the most gorgeous thing on the planet and most times I feel awkward or average even though admirers gush about my looks. For me, the best parts of me cannot be seen with human eyes. It can only be observed soul-to-soul. Anthony Hamilton sings a song, Her Heart. The lyrics are so beautiful to me and the melody adds a touch of sadness that can only come from a man with so much regret for hurting the only woman who loved him with such completeness. I know you love me more than me And you vowed to love through anything I never had a kind of love that was forever And as you cried in my arms You woke up my heart And I saw again what I found in you Cuz her love, her love Won't let me lose her No matter how I try I just can't say goodbye and lose her
I point out this particular song and these lyrics because it shows the extent to which a man pushes his woman until he could really see into the heart and soul of her. It is almost as if he takes her to the verge of breaking her heart before he can actually see her true value. For me, this type of realization is crucial and yet may come a little too late.
Justice's boyfriend dies in the next scene right there in the drive-in, before her very eyes. You can see and feel her heart seize up and become as stone. The rest of the movie attempts to follow Justice along this path towards opening her heart again. Watching the movie with this as the sole objective of the story changes how I view this love story. Though I still cannot understand the merciless killing and loss of her boyfriend in that manner, I do know what it's like to lose someone that I loved so much. Whether it was my first husband or my second, I know what it is like to be cut off from the man that I love. And it hurts like hell. I can pretend that I'm moving on and going towards someone that will take care of my heart but am I really? I can make comparisons across the board with old love and new love and there really is no comparison if I am looking at it strictly from the standpoint of who can really see and appreciate my heart and soul in its totality!
Sure, new love is exciting and brand new. There is no history of hurt and the magic and the chemistry is intoxicating... yet there are so many flaws in it's expression. I may seem like an independent woman with all her ducks in a row but that is so shallow for someone to only be attracted to that part of me. What I want is someone who can see into the heart of me and know me. Someone that knows every trial I have faced, knows the emotional battles I've fought, the pain I have weathered, and still wants to be in my corner to hold me together. And if a man has no interest in seeing that part of me then why would I waste my time on it? Lust? The magic of those fluttering butterflies in my belly? Now that would be shallow of me and so surface and unlike me.
When Justice finally opens up to Lucky, played by Tupac Shakur, she exposes parts of her past that illustrates why she is so hardened by life's trials. Lucky has the choice of running from that type of emotional pressure. Some people are not meant to bare the load. Some people are not equipped with that type of emotional depth and stability to want to stay around. In the end, Lucky knows she's worth the risk of loving a woman so hardened by life. And that, that is what I want. That is what I deserve.
Like Justice, I cannot be so guarded about my heart. I cannot pretend to be this strong woman when all I feel is weakness inside and I have to let a man in so that he is able to provide that support that I am craving. I cannot say that I am open to new love and not give him a shot at being everything I need him to be. I have to open my heart space up and tell him what I need and let him in on what makes me tick. I have to expose my battle wounds and let him see the scar tissue that makes me who I am. What is priceless to me is when a man can support me with all my ambitions and get behind 100% of all of my dreams no matter how ridiculous they might sound to him. It takes a secure man to see my potential, believe in it, and move out the way so that I can do what I do. I cherish that. It's what I deserve and it's what I received this morning so unexpectedly. And the butterflies that were a mild flutter has suddenly blossomed into rapid, pulsating waves of affection.
Yesterday. Today. Everyday, I wake up and feel so happy. I feel like there are fireworks going off inside of me. I have never been more sure of myself than I am today and I am so grateful. My life today is not what I had envisioned a year ago or even six months ago but everyday I move forward with confidence. And everyday, I feel more sure that my life could not be any other way than what it is right now.
I don't know what is on the horizon but I see my star continuing to rise. It is so clear. Clearer than it has ever been in my entire life. I will live the life of my dreams and I will have everything that my heart desires and deserves. And I deserve the fairy tale that I have put together in my head that includes my dream job of being a full-time author.
I don't know what love looks like for me in the future but I am not in a rush toward anything but taking care of me, for right now. Even though I still straddle that line between rekindling the old or fostering the brand new, I am only concerned about my own mental and emotional well-being. It sounds selfish and you can call it that. I'm okay with being called selfish. It's not the first time or the last since someone has called me that. One can either stay with me for the ride or not. There are no guarantees that I will be the same me a year from now that I am today.
I know that new love is magical and exciting. And we find these sparks of fire under the strangest of circumstances. Two souls meet and exchange real energy and chemistry. One can either follow it or let it die where it is and always wonder about what could have been. I am not one to wonder. I am curious and thoughtful about everything and that includes the magic of new love. And I don't know where it will lead. No one does. One thing is for sure - what I know about me is that I am the most loyal chic, ride-or-die, down-for-whatever, and I can be the best partner a man could ever have. That is the real-est truth about me. So whether I follow new love or let my path lead back to old love, when I give my heart, I am giving my life for as long as they will have me. I did it with my first husband and I was there for my second husband and I kick myself sometimes for letting them dictate when they would leave me. And they both left me!
I can say that much of my healing has a lot to do with my mind's acceptance of hope for the future. Today and all of my tomorrow's are not so bleak and foreboding anymore. I am actually excited to see what is ahead of me. About six months ago I couldn't even plan 15 minutes ahead because I was so depressed and the world just looked so dark and unappealing. I lost so much weight. I didn't have an appetite. I was just not happy at all. I didn't stay very long in that dark place and I am grateful to have made it out from beneath that grey cloud.
I feel so alive in such a genuine way. I almost feel ready to let go of some of the "crutches" I have acquired in the last six months. Almost. I move forward with nothing but positive vibes in my body and a mind so determined to achieve all of my wildest dreams. Here I am Universe -- use me for your greatest good!
