Everybody Should Have a Divorce Party!

Two years ago I received my walking papers from my ex.

In an effort to boost my spirits and to push me to see the positive things about divorce, my dear friends threw me a Divorce Party. This was actually the third divorce party. The first one was with my cousins at Haleiwa Joes at Haiku Gardens in Kaneohe and then we moved the party to Ohana's in Temple Valley. That was a blast! The second one was in Maryland. So DP #3 (divorce party) started out on a catamaran off Waikiki Beach, right in front of Duke's Bar and Grill. We are regulars on the sunset sail. But this sunset sail was different.

LET GO
My heart was so broken. I could not imagine why my ex would throw away such a significant portion of our lives. Thoughts of him with other women invaded my mind. Thoughts of me being alone, growing old alone, dying alone caused weeks of sleepless nights. I was feeling unattractive and unwanted and all of it was driving me crazy. I had to let it all go. I had to let go of the expectations that I had assumed. I had to move forward and not turn back. So this sunset sail was big for me. It was a significant event where I had made up in my mind that I was going to let go of all of the coulda-woulda-shoulda of how my life was supposed to be.

SETTING SUN and RISING MOON
It was just me and my baby brother on that sunset sail with a bunch of strangers. Everyone else that was coming to DP #3 had missed the sail. I was kind of relieved that they didn't make it because I really needed the time to be in my thoughts, by myself, letting go. My brother cozied up with two girls that were checking him out. And I sat alone on the deck of the catamaran watching the sun set over the ocean horizon. The sun's eventual disappearance symbolized, for me, that a chapter of my life was ending. Simultaneously, I watched the full moon rising over Diamond Head. There couldn't have been a more perfect time to be on the catamaran seeing a chapter of my life end with the setting sun and to realize that a new era was beginning with the rising moon. And no matter how dim the light of the moon was against the darkness of night, it was still illuminating my world.

DIVORCE DECREE
I had received the final divorce decree on what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. It was like a final slap in my face. DP #3 was the perfect solution for dealing with the conundrum that was my life. And why not? Why not have a divorce party? Why not celebrate everything that was right about me? Celebrate everything that I was freeing myself from. Celebrate the bright road ahead that meant I could do anything in the whole wide world. I could go anywhere. I could do anything without asking anyone for permission. And though I was so uncomfortable being alone again, I had no choice but to move forward.

WHAT DO I WANT?
Has it been roses and daisies since those DP's? Absolutely not. In fact, it has been tough. Suddenly, all I have to think about is me. All of my life has been spent worrying about everyone else's needs. Worried about my mother's harsh criticism. Worried about my husband and how to properly support him. Worried about my job and making sure that I was in line with the strict code of conduct. Worried about everything and everyone but me. And now, in my loneliness, I had to actually think about what I wanted out of life. So, the past two years have been about that. Who am I and what do I want? I see so clearly the life that I want, the abundance I want to enjoy, the love and romance that I want, and I'm ready for all of it. I will not wallow in self-pity thinking of all the ways my life is not what I want it to be. No. I am ready. Here I am, a butterfly emerging from my cocoon.

Ride with me as I ride this rising star. #NeenaLoveRises #iStillBelieveInLove

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3 Things -- Fighting for Love

VIDEO: 3 Things -- Fighting for LOVE

I carefully selected what I would say in this video so as not to ramble on and on. However, I do believe there is room for discussion and further exploration into each point. I have several examples from my own life that prompted this idea of "fighting for LOVE." It seems as if the entire theme of my life has been about finding romantic love and yet what I have come to realize is that all along I was searching for the courage to love myself - the good, the bad, the ugly, and most of all the beautiful.

DON'T GIVE UP
I had a fantastic childhood. Our family unit was whole and in tact. I grew up with both parents in the home and they loved each other and loved us. My parents were so active in my every part of my life. I can't imagine not having that. They are my example of what marriage and love is supposed to be like. So when I talk about fighting for love, I see my parents who stayed together through thick and thin. When I commit, I do not take my vows lightly. I'm not going to leave or give up just because things get hard.


NO EXPECTATIONS
Have no expectations and you will never be disappointed. We all have needs and for most of us, we have this large expectation of how he or she should behave. He needs to show me more affection. He needs to buy me large gifts. He needs to make "x" amount of money. He needs to drive a certain type of car. Blah blah blah. All the materialistic things can be lost in a heartbeat. They can also be acquired in a heartbeat. But it's not your partner's "job" to give you all these things especially when you're more than capable of getting them yourself. All of the emotion and love that you require are already in you. It's not your partner's job to pull it out and if you're waiting for that then you have a lot of your own healing to do. Realize that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Any one that you commit to or have committed to is a bonus because you are already whole and complete.


SELFLESS LOVE
Giving of your love ties in to having "no expectations." When we approach a relationship from a place of service, it changes our partner's reaction. It is not a manipulation. It shouldn't be. I don't give to get. I serve him as a token of my sincere affection. I don't give him a massage because I want one. I don't cook a meal in the hopes that he will do something for me. I do these things to demonstrate that I adore him and it comes from a genuine place in my soul. I have no attachment to the outcome. I give you this, whatever "this" is, and I have no expectation of your reaction to it. You can love it or hate it but I am not going to be attached to how you receive it.

Example: My current beau loves shrimp. When we get together we eat seafood. I made shrimp for him twice. Both times they were sauteed in butter and garlic and hot sauce. He is not a butter person. He likes his shrimp boiled and both times I forgot that key information. He ate it both times, which was selfless on his part because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Of course my feelings would not have been hurt because I am not attached to how he receives it but he didn't know that. From both perspectives, his and mine, we were giving selflessly. Me taking the time to make the shrimp. He accepting the gift even though he knew the butter would make him sick. Make sense?

CHALLENGE
Do something this week for your mate, spouse, partner, friend WITHOUT expecting a specific reaction. Tell me how it goes.

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Video Podcast : Episode 7 : Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

VIDEO: Three Actions to Help You Move Forward

I was so inspired by a YouTube video featuring Lisa Nichols where she talked about her rise to living her dream.

In my evolution, I am hungry to change the circumstances of my life. I am increasingly aware that if I want a different result then I need to do something different in every moment. My vision board is a bunch of post-its on my wall. The post-its have due dates, specific scenarios, meeting and speaking with certain people, and bank balances that I will manifest. In all my 43 years, I have attempted the typical collage-style vision board with pictures and that just didn't work for me. I love my post-its and I love my handwriting. I have excellent penmanship and there's just a connection between my mind and the actual writing of the vision of my life. Every day I want to add more.

As I make this transition, I realize that I have a lot of hang-ups and emotional things that have held me back for so long. Leaving Hawai'i and my old job was one of the ways I let go of things that are not authentically me anymore. So often we let life move us along. I was so used to reacting to things instead of being actively engaged in choosing the life I want to live. That's not me anymore.

A little over a year ago, I was melting down. I was riding in the car with my older brother telling him how trapped I felt. It was like my divorce had begun to peel away layers of my life that no longer served me. At that time, I had just watched that Steve Harvey clip where he talks about taking risks and doing the thing you love doing. My brother is driving and I am crying my eyes out talking about how my life is not what I had envisioned for myself. The future seemed bleak if I continued on the path that I was on - trapped by a job that forced me to comply with their strict code of conduct and my heart so weathered and broken. I was doing the ugly cry and my brother said, "Then jump! It's time to jump!" He set my mind at ease by addressing all of my concerns that were holding me back. In that moment, I decided to JUMP. 

Deciding to JUMP was the easy part. Undoing all the years of negative self-talk has proved to be the real challenge. I am a positive person to everyone else but myself. I can talk someone up and shiny them up for the world but I have a difficult time in talking myself up. Every day I make a conscious effort to say, 

"I can do this." 

"I got this." 

"I am brave and courageous." 

"I am talented." 

"I am loved."

Whether it's social or cultural conditioning that has made me only focus on the things that I'm not so good at, I want to end that practice now. I am going to celebrate all of the good things about me and walk in my most perfect truth. You should too. When we are sure of who we are, nothing anyone says matters. You take that power back from whoever or whatever you gave it to. Own your life decisions and actively engage in creating the life you want.

I don't care anymore about the criticisms of small-minded people. And some of my closest friends clown my attempt to change the circumstances of my life. I really don't need that type of negativity in my life so I keep my distance. I want to be surrounded by people who have achieved the things that I want to achieve. I want to be surrounded by people who are cheering me on and assisting me on my rise.

The morning I let go of the guilt surrounding my shortcomings as a daughter. If you watched the video, this will make sense to you.

Video Podcast Episode 2 : Sad Songs Say So Much: Grief and Acceptance

My "Sad Songs Say So Much" playlist on YouTube.

You can dig through my blog and find all types of posts about love and heartache. It's amazing how free I am with information about my life. I write to let go of the emotions and to sort through the issues. I share it here because someone might be able to hear something in my thoughts that might help them through it. One thing is certain, I am no relationship expert but I could possibly be a champion of overcoming heartache.

In the days following the announcement that my ex wanted a divorce, I had never felt such agony before or since. I will never forget specific moments where I thought I would just die. Everything was so uncertain. Was he serious about this or was this a temporary situation? What happens next? Do we continue to live together? Is he cheating? There were just endless questions. I felt so lost and alone even being surrounded by family and friends. There are times, even now, where I still feel all alone.

In the ugly of my break up, it was very difficult to start my day. I couldn't even see thirty minutes ahead of me. I didn't eat. I drank a lot to soothe me, to numb me, to avoid dealing with the present. I teetered between sadness and extreme rage. I wanted to break things. I wanted to punch and kick the rage out of me so I went to the gym a lot. That helped me get my appetite back as well as work through my rage issues. My friends wanted to hunt him down and destroy his truck. Some days I entertained the thought and we would ride with bats in the car and sugar for his gas tank. We never did do it. I could never knowingly destroy something like that. And besides, my name was still on his truck.

As you make your way through heartache or loss, DO NOT hold it in. You don't have to be strong. Take some time to be alone and grieve through it. Feel all of the emotion and move into acceptance. This is not an easy process but who you evolve into is entirely up to you.

I have learned so much through this process, more than I did from my first marriage and divorce. I have discovered so many things about myself. I acknowledge my flaws in the demise of my marriage. I own the things that I could have done better and vow to turn those weaknesses into strengths for the next man that shares my world. I have learned patience and to trust that whatever is ahead of me is for me. I feel my star rising, whatever that means... I feel it deeply. I have practiced forgiveness on several occasions in my life and this is one event that has forced me to put it into practice again. And I gladly do so because I do not want the ghosts of the past to haunt my tomorrows. I don't want to be bitter and angry because that is not who I am.

I still prepare to be enchanted by life and love and all the beautiful things in the universe. I know that love will find me again and when it does, it will be full and complete and blissful. This is what I want for you too, Dear Reader, that your heart will heal when you grieve and accept what IS.

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Video Podcast Episode 1 : How I Find Myself in South Carolina

Here's the link to the Deer Incident I talk about in the video.

I have this mantra that I always tell myself:
"Everything I want and need will fall into my lap without effort."

The way the pieces of my life have fallen into place in the present appear random but nothing is ever random. And everything I want comes to me without effort (that's what I tell myself). My move to South Carolina has been all about following the path of least resistance and turning a new leaf and moving in a direction that is not "resistant."

There's nothing like a life-changing event like divorce to make one reexamine life. I had it all. The house. The car. The handsome husband. And with my ex announcing that he wanted a divorce I lost everything that I had become so comfortable with. All of a sudden, all of that stuff wasn't so important anymore and I struggled everyday just to get out of bed. That's a story for another time that I will tell here on this blog and on my video podcast.

The shock of divorce rattled my life, shook it up, and pushed me to find out what will make me happy again. I thought to myself, if I could do anything in the world, what would it be? And this is how I find myself here in South Carolina... chasing my biggest dream to write full time, to be a media personality, to express my thoughts on any platform. I have a strong point of view and I am here to express it.

#1yearLater

A year ago I was stuck on the side of the road in Nowhere, South Carolina (not a real town). I had struck a deer in my rental car and I was unable to continue my drive to the coast. A seemingly random event that, all things considered, was really just a random event has actually changed the course of my life. I look back at a year ago and the heavy heart that I carried around with me. I was newly divorced, had a really bad experience with an ex over the 2016 Christmas holiday, and was in such a bad place. The open roads of Georgia and South Carolina called to me. I needed the time and the space and the open road to just think and ponder how I would lift myself out of the dark place I was in.

I flew from Honolulu, Hawai'i to Atlanta, Georgia. I had not planned to hang with family in Georgia but I selected Georgia specifically because I had family nearby. I like having the comfort of knowing that people I can count on could be called in the case of an emergency. I was searching for something, anything, to make my heart happy again. My intention was to find that place in me through the silence of the dark roads and the seemingly endless open highway. As I picked up my rental car, I selected to travel east, south east to the eastern shores of South Carolina and Georgia. I wanted to look out onto the Atlantic Ocean to see if maybe I could find a new ocean to love - far away from the Pacific.

I have a love affair with the ocean. I will never stop loving the ocean and the feeling of being submerged in its waters. The Pacific, though, reminded me of all the good times I have had with the two loves of my life - both are ex-husbands now - and I just wanted to run away. Run far away from the place that I loved so much. I was hungry for new experiences and new places. I wanted to let my hair down and find the authentic me that was so caged up in Hawai'i. I wanted to run away from the pain and the hurt that I felt at the hands of my newly single ex-husband. I wanted to love him forever and I suppose a part of me always will but I needed to run away.

5:30 p.m. I pull out of the Atlanta-Hartsfield airport and make my way to I20-E. I drove for hours and hours through Augusta, GA through Columbia, SC. As I made my way toward Myrtle Beach, I pulled off the interstate and onto the lonely county highways. It was dark, so very dark, and I found myself so lost in the sadness and grief that was my life. Nothing like a broken heart to bring a person face to face with all of their flaws and brokenness. I felt alone.

I was just an hour away from Myrtle Beach when I hit the deer. It took hours for the tow truck to get to us because I was in such an isolated location. My cell phone didn't work, the State Trooper took about thirty minutes to get to me. The whole experience had brought me to my knees and illuminated all of my hurt places - not physical hurt but the emotional broken down places inside of me. The tow truck took me to the nearest town and dropped me off at a hotel where I checked in to hunker down for the night.

And then I met someone.

The electric between him and I was thick and so tangible. There is no way to duplicate that kind of fireworks and that kind of chemistry. I am still at a loss when I think of that evening. A seemingly random event like hitting a deer and wrecking my car has changed the course of my life.

Fast forward one year and here I am in South Carolina. I am settled in and about to buy a house on my own. It's all rather bittersweet for me because I have been married for all of my adult life, it seems. I have always had a partner to help me make decisions, especially the big ones like buying a house. There was always someone to share financial responsibility for the household. And here I am doing it all.by.myself. But this is what I wanted - new adventures, new beginnings, and that is the life I have chosen for myself.

And that someone that I met?

The conversation has been ongoing since that fated evening. #1yearLater

Happy Divorce Anniversary : Year One Is Complete

1 year ago today, Honorable Judge Na'unanikina'u A. Kamali'i ordered, adjudged, and decreed that "a decree of divorce is granted..." You can go back and read my posts from a year ago and feel the sadness that I experienced. I never go into a relationship to give up and I know I sound like a broken record but two men have found it better to be alone than to be with me. That messes with me from time to time because, well, it makes me wonder if I am unfit to be loved. Of course I know that I am lovable but some days when I think about the crazy loves I have experienced through adulthood, I have to question how good of a woman I think I am.

My first husband was my first love. I met him when I was just 18 years old. I didn't know shit about love but I swore I did and as soon as I met him, we moved so quickly and effortlessly into love. I was like a pitbull when it came to him. I locked my jaws onto him and was not going to let him go until he gave me what I wanted. And all I wanted was HIS professed love. We married after I turned 21. Six years later we divorced. My second husband was everything my first husband was not -- he was present in every single moment, in my face with love and affection, and wanted to be a part of every facet of my life. We traveled the world together. We were best friends. We bought our first house together. There was a bunch of firsts with him. He was so much fun. I will always hold on to our good times because there was a lot of them.

Having said all of that there is one thing I have made peace with and that is that I don't want to move backwards. All the pining I have done for my exes is just too much already. I just need to move forward and not look back. Everyone that matters to me has said as much. Even though I shared so much of my life with both men, there is just no way that I can put the hurt behind me. We can be friends, maybe. But partners or mates again? I'm not so sure. And the friend thing is questionable also just because I feel a sense of irritation just thinking about "helping" my ex with anything. Whatever value he sees in me that he would want to keep me as a friend, it was all his when we were married. And... well.... we're not married anymore and any value I might add to him is no longer available to him. It's time for me to move on and actually, it's time for him to move on as well. This is what you wanted - divorce. There is nothing that binds us together. We don't have children so let me go and you go on your way too!

When I think about the condition of my heart and the broken-ness and sadness of the past, I want to move ever so quickly toward something else. When it comes down to it, I love the butterflies that accompany new love. The anticipation and the magic that happens is so nice. There's no sadness or heartache associated with new love and I cherish the beginnings. I want it to stay just like it is in the beginning of the budding romance. I feel like I never want the relationship to develop past that beginning stage. I mean, because, what happens after the beginning? Usually one person is pushing for it to develop to something more, which usually means moving in together or marriage. And what happens in that type of relationship? The butterflies disappear. The honeymoon phase fades and the relationship becomes a shadow of what it was in the beginning. We forget how much we couldn't live without each other. We forget the instant attraction that happened in the beginning. We forget to love each other and to cherish each other. In fact, we find ourselves dreading the monotony of our lives. It doesn't have to be that way but it usually happens that way. Some people can manage it and push to work through those difficult times and some just throw in the towel. I suppose one is not better than the other, it all depends on your value system. So give me the fireworks of brand new beginnings.

I subscribe to relationship commentator, Derrick Jaxn. I love his videos. Some of them are really funny and truthful and it comes from the man's perspective. He talks about how women should approach relationships. I mention him just because he has been like the voice in my ear for the last year, reminding me that I need to know my own value. Thank you Derrick Jaxn! This video is one of my favorites. It's not very old. I think he posted it a month ago. I want my ex to one day realize what a gem he let go of when he gave me my walking papers. Maybe that day will never come and him divorcing me might turn out to be the best thing he ever did. Whatever happens though, I will be okay. Right now, I know that it's already TOO LATE. If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted it all back, I can't. I'm done.


Truth be told, I feel so free right now. I will be even freer as soon as I no longer have joint debt with my ex. We don't need to be in contact. My feelings for him are still so raw. Any of our encounters since we split has been difficult for me. I will never show him that raw emotion again, the way I did when he first told me he wanted a divorce. He will never see me fall apart again. In fact, my rise is meteoric. He can watch me from afar.

So happy divorce anniversary. I will celebrate this weekend in Myrtle Beach, perched on a balcony overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. And hopefully I will find some good seafood to munch on as today, of all days, I am craving a poke bowl.

Ready To Move

Time is just flying. I have just about two weeks left at my job. After this, I will be making my way to South Carolina. That will be home for at least the next year. I am extremely excited to start a new chapter in my life. Though I move forward with trepidation I am also very aware of how blessed I am that I have such a wide circle of close friends and family who help me to move ahead with nothing but my best foot forward. It's amazing how much has happened in the last year. I am grateful that I am not the girl I was just a year ago. When I was going through the break-up, I was very sad for several weeks. Sometimes the sadness creeps up now and I cry my eyes out until I feel some relief. I pick myself up and keep moving forward. One day I will be able to talk about this without all the pain. For right now, I will just have to cry through it.

When the ex and I split last year, he moved out first. Eventually, I moved out so that we could prepare the home to be sold. I downsized considerably. We sold almost everything. He took one bed and I sold the other. He took the big TV and I sold the other one. We sold all the other furniture. I downsized my library of books considerably. I don't like to think of how many books I donated to Goodwill because each book was so precious to me. I had to detach from my relationship with the words on those pages and yet I still have tons of books that I kept.

Throughout the past two weeks, I have been combing through my stuff again. This time, I am downsizing for my move to South Carolina. It is unbelievable the amount of paperwork that I was able to throw out. I have had to decide what to keep, what to shred, what to send back to my ex, etc. etc. I came across our marriage certificate. We got married in Illinois right outside of St. Louis. I remember that it was a very cold and wet November day. I also came across our divorce decree. My own hand wrote out every single detail on that decree. How did I have the strength to separate the material things of our lives in that application for divorce. It is not even what I wanted and yet my handwriting is all over it. Normally, if you go through an attorney they draw up the paperwork and draft a formal decree separating the details of a couple's life. We did it on our own, without a lawyer. It's cheaper (for him) and I am not an idiot where I can't figure out the paperwork. I tear up just remembering that day. My stomach was in knots all morning long as I sat there in our living room filling out paperwork before the courthouse opened. I distinctly remember the clerk at the court looking at us as so strange because we weren't crying or fighting at her window. That doesn't mean that I didn't want to cry, it just means that I maintained a calm decorum so as not to embarrass myself or him.

Yesterday, as I was going through a bin of stuff, I came across a birthday card from my ex. It brought tears to my eyes and almost thwarted my efforts to pack my belongings. I am not surprised at the emotion that it stirred in me. I will always be a sentimental fool. It is probably one of my trademarks. I have held on to pieces of clothing, material, letters, pictures, broken jewelry all in the name of sentimental value. In fact, I just parted with a gold hoop earring that I received from my ex. He brought the pair as a gift for me while he was deployed to Iraq. I was so bummed when I lost one side of the pair on a trip to Europe.

I don't remember what year he wrote the card to me but it had to have been during one of our happy years because of what he wrote.
"To the best wife a man could have. I love you."
I remember when he used to feel like that about me. Like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Like I complimented his life. Like there could never be another that he would ever love. Like his world started and stopped with me. And I don't regret anything that has happened - not our meeting and falling madly, deeply in love or our private nuptials all by ourselves in Illinois (we eloped), or our wedding dinner at Olive Garden - just the two of us. I don't even regret our break up. Of course if I could choose, I would have selected to stay together and work on our relationship. I did not know I had driven him to the point where he just did not want to be with me any more.

None of it matters and yet all of it matters. All of it contributes to the ever evolving me. It makes me who I am - this deeply feeling woman. The falling in love and the broken heart adds facets to my life that eventually will glow and shimmer in the light just like a diamond. The more facets, the more light I reflect. I love that my heart is so weathered and has so much mileage on it. Truly, one day I will sparkle even brighter than I do now. And though I do not wish this pain on anyone, I am so extremely proud of my ability to rise above the hurt.

I am ready for this move to South Carolina. I am more sure about this than anything I have ever done before. I am so ready to do what makes me happy and so ready to live out my wildest dreams. It is so exciting to move in a direction that frees me, liberates me, and pushes me to be the best version of myself.

Happy Divorce Anniversary : Don't Turn Around Edition

What a difference a year makes.

One year ago, today, I was signing divorce papers. No doubt, this has been a most challenging year for me but it has also been full of growth and change and new beginnings.

In just about thirty days or so, I am leaving my island home and making my way in the world. ALONE. The path of least resistance is pulling me in a direction that I NEVER, in a million years, saw coming. I would have never guessed that I would ever live in South Carolina. Even now, I am still amazed that I am going to call that home for at least the next year or so. Who knows where I will go next?

I saw something on Facebook that reminded me so much of this past year and all the changes.

Anything that annoys you is teaching you PATIENCE.
Anyone who abandons you is teaching you how to STAND UP on your own two feet.
Anything that angers you is teaching you FORGIVENESS and COMPASSION.
Anything that has power over you is teaching you how to TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.
Anything you hate is teaching you UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Anything you fear is teaching you COURAGE to overcome your fear.
Anything you can't control is teaching you how to LET GO.

When you're in the muck of a break-up, it's difficult to see outside of the sphere of hurt. It's hard to feel anything but sadness and anger and abandonment especially when breaking-up was not my choice. I have truly learned patience and to trust the process, to heal, to let go, and to soar above my hurt. I will always see my ex as a beautiful soul. Even now, I feel a tinge of jealousy. I am jealous of the person he will grow old with. And maybe he will do as he says he will and live out the rest of his days alone. In any case, my love for him is unconditional and I see him as God intended. I will always only have respect for his decision to leave. His courage is far stronger than mine was when we were together. Even in my unhappiness I remained silent whereas he did the hardest thing and severed our relationship. I hate to admit it but he was right. He told me when we were divorcing that one day I would thank him for doing this, that one day I would see that he was right about this break up and that it needed to happen.

**deep breath**

He's right even though I am not yet at that stage where I am grateful for this break up, I'm almost there. I am sure in the coming days and weeks and months, I will see the wisdom in this turn of events. Often we go through our day to day life just existing, almost robotic. I vow to never live in that dreary gray again.

What a difference a year makes.

I have made new friends. Rekindled old friendships. Fostered relationships that have been neglected over the years. And I think I am going to be okay. I move ever so confidently in the direction of my wildest dreams and I honor the people who have stuck with me through this whole process. I don't think they will ever know their full value to me, no matter how much I might say it. I am so humbled by the beautiful support system I have. My friends. My family. Wow! I thank God for all of them. I can't even name them all because my circle is wide and far.

Today, I will look in the mirror and wish myself Happy Divorce Anniversary. The world is wide open.

Moving Forward: #SoloAdventures

I have about a month and a half left until my last day of work at my current job. When I leave this university, I will get on a plane and make my way to South Carolina - the state I have chosen to live in for the next couple of months, at least. I know it seems so random that I have selected South Carolina to make my home. I have visited the state twice this year and I feel compelled to go.

When my ex and I split, I know that we were both unhappy. However, I am stubborn as a mule. I was committed to my commitment to him. Loyal to a fault. In recent months, he and I have been texting back and forth. He is trying to explain to me why he left me. I don't really want to hear his excuses. I needed explanations when he left me not now, nearly a year later. I have already readjusted my life to being single. I can't say that I don't miss him but I am moving forward and I cannot look back. What is odd is that he blames me for the break up of our marriage and that is not my experience with how things went down between us. My inability to compromise on certain issues, namely relocation, is why he left me. I am sure he is perturbed that right after we break up, I decide to leave Hawai'i.

HIM: I think you wanted it too. (Divorce) I was setting you free. Us free. I didn't lose any attraction for you etc. Just going different paths. There was never anybody else. I know I was holding you back.

ME: We didn't have to hold each other back. We could have worked together to bang out every dream.

HIM: You didn't want to leave. I know deep down you don't. 

ME: If I could take it all back, I would have gone wherever you wanted to go.

HIM: Yea, you were so adamant about not wanting to leave.

ME: Sorry

HIM: It's fine. I was hurt about it for a long time. It was like all your people looked at me like I was the bad guy. No one called to see how I was doing. I was like wow.

ME: You shred my heart. What are they supposed to do?

I have to insert my opinion here. I am still so irritated that he was upset about my family not contacting him when we were getting divorced. When we split, I called his mother and father to thank them for all the years of support and all the years of love. He didn't call my father to even try to explain why he was leaving me and my father didn't need an explanation. He understands that this was his choice. My father said that my ex and I are both capable of making sound decisions. I am so similar to my father in his thought process. I cried my eyes out when I said my goodbyes to my in-laws. They were such a big part of my life. I loved both of my sister-in-laws. I loved my sister-in-law's kids and I know they loved me too. Break-ups are so difficult especially when it's not mutual. I feel very close to them in a way that I wasn't with my first husband's family. I miss them as much as I miss my now ex-husband.

HIM: Two sides but its OK. During a break up the guys is always the bad guy.

ME: I kept asking (friend) to check on you. I still have so much love for you. Wish things could be different. 

HIM: Thank you its all good. LOL. I can handle myself.

ME: Well you gave up on us. That is the disappointment. Instead of work together to fix it, you left me.

HIM: You gave up. When you got mad every time I talked about moving. Like walking on egg shells when I brought it up.

ME: I did not give up. Me talking about business ventures... was like walking on egg shells.

Apparently, we just did not see eye to eye. What hurts me every time I go back and read these texts is that he didn't want to try and work it out. He just wanted to leave and break up. That is so hard for me to swallow, even now. Even though I know how smart and talented I am, him leaving me is such a blow to my self esteem. He is the second man to leave me and it still hurts like hell. I see him as such a beautiful man. I can't lie - his body is so beautiful and he is so drop dead gorgeous - in my opinion. And he has such a beautiful soul. When things were good between us, they were really good. He was my best friend. We did everything together.

HIM: You were more loyal to your family than me.

ME: I see that. I apologize. And now it's too late cuz we're divorced.

HIM: Just paper. Its all good now.

ME: I can't talk about this. Crying. Still so raw. 

HIM: We both hurt.

ME: So why did you walk away instead of work it out? Try a separation.

HIM: I knew it was going to be forced.

ME: Nobody's forcing me now.

HIM: I see. Going to South Carolina?

ME: You was just done with me when I realized that moving was what you wanted. I also thought there was someone else because of your extra activities. 

HIM: No.

ME: You right though. My family did get in the way of us. Sorry. That realization prompted this move. I have to build a life separate from my fam. Even if it will be by myself. 

HIM: You choose your family over me. That was cruel.

ME: I'm a good woman and you rather be alone than with me - that's a blow to my self esteem. But its all good. I will bounce back.

HIM: You will.

ME: Wish you would have said all this stuff before you dumped me.

The conversation goes on and on. The way I feel right now, I would go back to him in a heart beat. That is my honest and true feelings. And it's not because I think we had a perfect relationship or that we are made for each other. No. What I loved about he and I is that we were best friends. We did every thing together. He always made me feel safe. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. We spent so much time together and were not sick of each other at all. He took really good care of us and I will forever be jealous of whoever he chooses to spend the rest of his days with.  

So here I am, making this move to South Carolina without my man/best friend. And this is what he wanted - to move - and I am doing it without him. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would gladly hear him out and allow honest expression to happen between us. I don't know why I was so uncompromising. I don't know why he gave up so easily. I don't know why we didn't have this discussion before he divorced me. And now we're having open and honest communication via text message. I wish I could take it back then this move that I am about to make would not be a #SoloAdventure but another positive move in our relationship. I miss him. I suppose I will always miss him.

Life Is a Collection of Experiences

Life is a collection of experiences.

I have become increasingly comfortable with being single, unattached, divorced, and free. I am not in a rush to be with someone exclusively. I am actually enjoying the freedom, the ability to choose my destiny. The road ahead is mysterious, scary even but it invigorates me. The adventure of new experiences or the potential for new experiences fills my world with a brand new excitement that I have not felt in a very long time.

I miss the comfort of my ex and I will admit that my birthday weekend had me really sad. I wanted to be with him desperately. I wanted him to take me out like we have done for my birthday for the previous twelve years. I wanted him to hold my hand, to make love to me, to  hold me long into the night but I know it would have been all wrong. There's just no way that my heart can handle that. Even though he offered to take me out, there was no way I could have done that without feeling all kinds of sadness the next day. It would get in the way of my healing and I cannot turn back now. I have come too far to go back to that place of loving him. Even though we had some really good years, I think we just grew apart wanting different things from life.

I could never be the one to leave. I only know how to be loyal and committed. I am truly a woman of my word. If I said, "Til Death Do Us Part," I really meant it. But he decided to leave and I can only respect him for his courage to make the changes that he saw fit. I know I never want to live under the gloom that was taking over our marriage. I never want to feel that dead inside again and I am sure he was feeling that way also. At the same time, I had a deep love for him and he will always own that piece of my heart. Life truly is a collection of experiences. Though he was not my first love, he is and will always be a significant character in the story of my life.

I was having a discussion with a friend. We were discussing first love. Every person has that one. My first love was everything that you would expect. He was pure love, animal attraction, physical satisfaction, and yet was also pure hurt. We compared the emotions of our experiences with our first loves and our reactions are identical - that we would run back to them in a heartbeat just to feel that rush again.

Why is it that we want to run back to that comfortable place of first love? Both she and I were similar in that we loved them with complete abandon. We gave our whole heart to them. What I experienced with my first love is that as shy as I was, he was patient with me. We explored our emotions and our physical desires together. He cradled my heart and my body like no one ever has. Even now as a 42 year old woman, I have only ever been fully satisfied with him and not just sexually. He knew my body and could take me to the heights of pleasure but even deeper than that, he appreciated my heart, and was absolutely in love with my mind. First love is supposed to be like that - a collection of brand new experiences that we brave together.

We wish beyond all wishes that we could take back the heartache that came with first love. It could not have been first love without the heart break. My first love will always own that title of "first love" because he broke my heart, because him leaving cut me the deepest. And my foolish heart was so naive to think that he could love me in my totality forever. And yet, I look back at the fierceness of my love and the strength that I loved him with and I am in awe at my capacity to love him. When we parted ways, I did find love again but a part of me will always belong to him. That place in my heart that was reserved for only him is still locked away never to be experienced by anyone but him.

The woman I have become since I split from my first love, I could never be her without having experienced that hurt. I honor that event and all the years since we split because it has added so many facets to my womanhood. My kindness, my compassion, and my capacity to love has only increased because I know what a broken heart feels like. And though I wish that our love had never stopped, I am also grateful that I found love again. And even though that second love has left me, I know I will experience love again and fall truly, madly, deeply in love with another. All of these experiences of love and pain and hurt and joy and passion are possible because I have loved and I have lost. And I honor all of these trials and triumphs.

Life is a collection of experiences.

#iStillBelieveInLove

Paper Hearts : Birthday Edition

Wow. I will be turning 42 tomorrow.

Last year was the saddest birthday ever. My now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. We were both so unhappy. I had made plans for dinner and dancing atop the Ala Moana Hotel. It used to be called Aaron's but it's now called Signature Steak House. It still has wrap around views of the mountains, the city, and the ocean. When it was Aaron's, it was definitely one of my favorite spots. I frequented it a lot back in the early 2000's. The men were required to have a coat, which is always a nice, classy touch. The food, the drink, the views were absolutely fantastic. But my most favorite thing was that it featured a hot R&B band that played there on the weekends. They did covers of every single R&B song you can imagine from the 60's to the present. It was something kind of wonderful. I am not sure if the band has continued with the new restaurant but when I made reservations last year, I was hoping that it would still be a feature.

With my then husband and I fighting, I cancelled the reservation. There was no point in having dinner together. We could hardly stand to be in the same room much less have a conversation and be romantic. And I was craving the romance, wanting him to fall back in love with me. I had no idea how to fix whatever was happening with us and I sat idle and watched as our relationship came to a grinding halt. This, by far, has been the most challenging year for me and I have been through some really hard ish in my life.

Marriage number two is down the tubes and I am not sure if I will ever be married again. It is nearly a year since he and I parted ways and I miss him immensely. Recent conversations between he and I have crushed my heart and eeked out every last bit of resolve that I have been holding on to. What I have to do to get me through contact with him is to force myself to think that he will never love me again. And I have to be okay with that. I have to convince my heart and my mind that he has rejected me because he has. Even though every cell in my heart wants to run back to him and feel his strong arms around me, feel his gentle kiss upon my lips, I cannot let him just manipulate me whenever it's convenient for him. The new NEENALOVE will not accept that.

I crave love and affection as much as the next person but I just can't bring myself to put my heart out there again for another person to trample. I crave a deep connection with another soul - that is no doubt. And though I may encounter men that set my soul on fire, at this very moment I have NO desire to completely give my heart away. As a dear friend recently told me, I have a paper heart right now. She said I need to keep building it so that it doesn't shred to pieces at the first hint of rejection. One of these days my ex will not have this effect on me and I will be able to converse with him as if we were old friends. Today is not that day and it is taking EVERYTHING in me to NOT beg him to love me again.

So as my 42nd year commences, my focus is entirely on me and what will make me happy again.
I will not be mistreated.
No more paper hearts!  

Grateful That It Happened

Today marks the eighth wedding anniversary of my sister/cousin and her husband. I was one of two matrons of honor in their wedding. As I was preparing a collage to post to my social media wall, I had to dig through pictures from that time in my life. And there are dozens of pictures of my ex husband and I. It brought tears to my eyes to see us in bliss. We had such a tight bond. We were truly best friends for a good part of our marriage. I never gave up on us nor did I ever give up on him. Every person has a limit and the moment we signed our divorce papers, my commitment to him ENDED. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel love for him, it just means that I am no longer obligated to be a faithful friend and lover. He obviously moved on and so must I.

Since our split, he always talks about us being friends. He talks about going to dinner before either of us leave the island. On the surface, it seems harmless but my heart just can't take it and I told him as much. I believe the last text to him about us being friends went like this, "I'm here if you need anything but I will never see you as just my friend." It's true. My heart aches when I think of our good times together. I see him as such a beautiful soul but this divorce and how it all went down is just too much for my heart to handle. I am the most faithful and loyal companion a man could ever want in his corner and I will never understand why I was the first thing that he wanted to clear from his life. The same thing went down with my first husband.

I'm lucky in love, meaning I never have a problem finding someone to love and someone to love me. The problem is getting him to stay forever. And maybe that's not in the stars for me and it scares the hell out of me to grow old - alone. Though I can thrive and flourish in solitude, I love the idea of growing old with a companion that I love romantically. I had hope that my now ex-husband was that guy. I'm going to be 42 in a few weeks and this is not how I pictured my life. At the same time, I'm grateful to have this shock to my life. It has propelled me out of living in "the gray" and has given me all the motivation to chase my wildest dreams. There are no more excuses. I can't blame my husband because I don't have one. I can't blame my children because I don't have any. There is nothing holding me back anymore.

This brings me back to the origination of this post. As I look at the pictures from my cousin's wedding and I see the beautiful life I had with my ex, I will move forward with gratitude that he and I happened. Even if he only wanted me for just a season of his life, I am grateful that I experienced the love that we did share. And though his flame for me faded, I will always carry him in my heart. All of the special times that we've shared and all our travels together and how we made it work for 13 years - I will remember the good times. And for the record, I am a good woman but he is a good man too. I know I toot my own horn a lot but I have to give him much respect and credit because he was good to me through most of our marriage. This is why it is so difficult to see him leave my life and I will always want to be his ride-or-die.

#iStillBelieveInLove

Sending Love in the Face of Goodbye

My ex-husband was my favorite subject for photographing. I loved taking his picture. In our travels, he always looked so international and I loved that about him and about us. I once thought that there was no one in this whole entire world that I would rather trot the globe with. He is thoroughly as unafraid of foreign destinations as I am. In our adventures together, I have photographed him in beautiful settings. Urban. Cultural. Scenic. I will miss that since we no longer have any association.

I will miss how mobile he and I were. His health and fitness and mine made us ideal companions. We used to take long hikes, vigorous hikes, all in the name of health and wellness. We traveled all over the world together and I thought, for sure, that this journey would last a lifetime. God knows I miss him but I will never let him see me cry again. One day he might regret walking away from US or he might not. Either way, I am okay with how things are turning out because all I have to worry about is ME and only ME now.

One day, when I'm not so sad from our break up, I will be able to look back at us with fondness. For the most part, I do appreciate the time we have shared. I appreciate the good times we've had together. I will always remember the fiery passion we had in the beginning. Flames were so hot that it had me marrying him just seven months after meeting him and we lasted thirteen years. We have done so many different things together. We've shared experiences together that I will probably never share with another. His strength, his concern for me (when we were happy), his handsome face and beautiful body is imprinted on my memory. 

I will miss his family. I felt so connected to them the minute I met them. When my ex was deployed to Iraq, I would visit my in-laws without him. I would drive down to Alabama and spend time there. My ex mother-in-law would call me and check on me all the time. I have met his extended family also and already miss them so much. From Oklahoma to Alabama, I know them all. I always looked forward to visiting my in-laws in Alabama. I always feel so spoiled when I'm out there. I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I could lock myself in the room and watch T.V. all day or write. I will miss my father-in-law's cooking. He knew what my favorite dishes were and would always fix it for me. Low Country Boil was ALWAYS on the menu. Of course I would have to bake while I was there. Sometimes I'd make my father's famous bean soup for them. They loved that. **heavy sigh**

Tomorrow, we take care of one of the last pieces of business between us. We sign closing documents on the sale of our house. When he called me to confirm the appointment, I started to tear up after we hung up the phone. And then the flow of tears came gushing as I remembered our life together. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life and when he was happy, it was so magical to see him laughing and joking. We will always have this special time in our lives to look back on. Though I look forward with excitement at the road ahead of me, a part of me will always think back on what could have been between us.

I don't have a relationship to run to. I don't want to run into a new relationship. What I want is to discover me again; to be the girl that I was before this marriage. I love the freedom I have experienced since me and the ex split. I feel so free and so mobile. I have traveled more in the last five months than I have throughout our marriage and I love that. I have always wanted to feel this free - free to do whatever my heart desires. I want to date and have fun and not be so concerned about any particular significant other. I have been in relationships since I was 18 years old. I met my ex-ex-husband when I was 18. From day one that we met, it quickly blossomed into love. It was very apparent that it was going that route. And I waited for him. Waited three years til he was ready to marry me. After six years of marriage, he called it quits and I jump into the marriage that just ended. So I think I'm done, for now, with serious relationships. I just want to be free.

As I get ready to work up the nerve to see my ex-husband tomorrow, I think of how much I have grown in the past couple of months. I hope that he has grown as well. I send him love and light and all the happiness that one can hold to sustain him through life's meandering roads.

Birthday Wishes On the Wind

Tomorrow is his birthday.

And what I wish for him today and always is that the years will be kind to him.

I miss him in my day to day.
I miss talking to him.
I miss the comfort of his presence.
I miss his face.
I miss cooking for him.... for us.
I miss his smile and how we would laugh together.
I miss making plans.

Yes, plans.
I miss planning forever with him.

I pray our paths will cross again
For any reason at all
But I know that we will never be
Because this is the path that he has chosen for himself
And consequently, he has placed me on my own path as well.

So for today and always, my wish is that you find
Whatever it is you are looking for
And that your life will be full and complete
May you find joy, everlasting
And the magic that waits for all of us.

Happy Birthday Forever Love.

Endings Mean Beginnings

December 7th can't come quick enough. I am going on another trip off the island and I.AM.SO.EXCITED. The thing about endings is that it also means new beginnings. I took two weeks to mourn the break-up with my ex-husband. I am amazed at how quickly I am bouncing back. He held my heart for thirteen years and was a wonderful husband if we exclude the current year. I will cherish the good memories and who knows what tomorrow will bring? At this point, I am still upset about the break-up because it is not what I would have chosen but I hold no ill-will towards him. I wish him the best on his journey. I suppose I'm angry because the break-up means CHANGE. And change is always hard. I am not minimizing how much I love/loved him but he has obviously moved on and so must I. I cannot go back in time, to that place where we first started drifting apart. All I can do is move forward, place one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I worry about him from time to time but our last conversation was not very nice. We both have very little patience for each other. I am just ready for it to all be over. The only thing keeping us semi-connected is our joint debt. Mortgage, credit card, and line of credit. As soon as our house is sold, I can move forward in wonderful freedom!

This December 7th trip will be the third trip in a matter of weeks. The two before this were quite magical. The first trip was kind of a ghost mission - very incognito and secret. Very few people know where I disappeared to that second week in October. I really needed to get off the rock and distance myself from the man that was stomping all over my heart. It will forever remain a special weekend, one that I will cherish til I am old and gray. I feel like I came alive that weekend and could feel my heart putting itself back together. I felt like I had really stepped away from the darkness of heartache and into the light of true love. The end of one relationship has initiated a new beginning as I remember to take care of "just me" and not worry about being a good wife or a good woman for someone else.

Two weeks after the "ghost trip," I found myself once again on a plane. This time I was headed to Maryland. My sweet cousin (she and I pictured together) thought it fitting to buy my airfare so I could get some head space far away from the tragedy happening in my life. I had not known when I left Hawai'i but the day I flew out is the day that the divorce was ordered by the judge. When I returned from Maryland, I received the final decree of divorce on what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. Go figure. One last "stick-it-to-me" from the old ex. I will be just fine. From time to time, he will pop up in my mind and I feel a tinge of sadness that we are not in regular contact but for the most part, I am so ready to let it all go. Anyway -- Maryland, just like the "ghost trip", was magical. The highlight of the trip was my special date to see Maxwell and Mary J. Blige. I had so much fun with my friends and my cousins and my special date that there is really nothing to mourn anymore. The freedom I have gained is staggering. I am amazed and excited to see where life may take me. Whether I am steeling myself for another broken heart or maybe brand new love, only time will tell. This Maryland trip will stay with me for all my days. The magic that happened is irreplaceable and will never, ever be duplicated.

The newness of things happening in my life has an old, familiar feel that is so deep and so difficult to express. I am grateful for the magic of new beginnings. I am grateful for the direction in my life that illuminates a clear path with a clear rising star that guides me on this journey.

December 7th cannot come fast enough. Every day I thank my lucky stars for the person I see in the mirror. I am grateful that I have a fabulous inner circle that constantly encourages me to be the best me. They are amazed at how I am taking this all in stride. As much as I loved my ex, I love myself more, and I have to put me above anything and everything. This is it! This is my life! Though a great love affair ended, a new one is beginning and it's where I FINALLY "do me."

Gestures, Being Alone, & Goodbye

I was seated on a flight, on my way back to Honolulu via Minneapolis via Los Angeles. Next to me was a couple who looked about my age. The wife is not feeling well. Her husband reaches over and rubs her back. The gesture is so simple and so thoughtful and has me wondering when my ex-husband stopped feeling that way about me. It would be easier for me to transition to single life if I would just stop imagining and making up stories in my head. I have a difficult time with that right now. My broken heart is still so fresh.

I don't like to think that I am defined by my relationship but as I review the last 13 years, I have done just that. What I really need is to be alone and not jump into another relationship so quickly. I need to "do me" for a minute before I let anyone back into my world. And yet I love to be in love. I love the feeling of butterflies in my belly.

Whoever "she" is, I hope she's good to him because he walked away from 13 years of marriage for a few weeks of flirting. I get it. It's exciting to have someone pique your interest. When guys would approach or flirt with me, I never acted on any of it but unfortunately he is. No one could ever doubt my loyalty. Sometimes, in a relationship, people have to push through the times when it's difficult to even like each other. This past year, he and I were both unhappy. He told me that he didn't want to waste anymore time or realize twenty years from now that he was unhappy the entire time.

My heart is so broken that he would treat me with such little regard after all that we have been through. He will never, ever have the opportunity to be with me again. Never. All the overly-romanticized sentiments of new heartache and professions of loving him forever are misplaced affection and I am done. Goodbye.

Today, I choose to care for my own heart and stop worrying about being a good wife or good woman. The best woman I can be is the one that lives my most empowered life. When he witnesses the magnitude of my life and the strength and power of my words, he will realize how small he is in comparison. And we both will understand why we could NEVER BE. Why his light could not match mine. Why the smallness of his mind could not realize how open my mind is to the wide expanse of the universe. My life is powerful and will fill the world with beautiful stories and emotions from words on a page and he will move forward as he always has... short-sighted vision.

My star is rising.
And I will walk this path all by myself.
Alone.

Happy Almost-13th-Wedding Anniversary

Today would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I can't say why he would throw it all away. All I can do is move forward with my life.

In the days immediately following him telling me he wanted a divorce, I told him that I would love him forever. He emphatically stated, with much confidence, that WE will never be again; that HE will never see me in that light. He said that he would still like to be friends and that he would always look out for me. It seems a sweet thing to say except that he had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it so it was more heartbreaking than it was sweet.

Even though I said those words to him, that I would love him romantically forever, I have to move forward. I cannot wait for him. I will not wait for him to come back to me because that is an unknown factor that I refuse to waste any time on. Whatever he's going through, he has made it clear that I am not his confidant to help him through it. His desire to be single and free is above anything that we ever had together. It makes me sad but that does not devalue who I am. I have to be okay with that. I have to take him at face value and believe him when he says he will never love me romantically again.

So today, I let go of the idea of us and I open myself up to the adventures ahead. I love to be in love. I love the feeling of being truly, madly, deeply in love with someone and that that someone can mirror my intensity. It's funny how the world works and how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Though I choose not to marry any time soon, I know that I will love again. And this next time might be the right time. And that new love will grow and grow. And that my heart and my body, and my mind, and my soul will be cherished and never taken for granted.

Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring whether I will walk through life alone all my days or that I will find a mate. All I know is that my heart has let go of what could be with my ex and I am now embracing every tomorrow, moment by moment. I will look for the magic and the bliss that comes with falling in love. And I will look for that truly, madly, deeply feeling. Everyone deserves happiness including my ex and I wish him well on his journey. I harbor no ill feelings toward him and I take full responsibility for the part I played in the demise of our relationship.

Happy almost-13th-wedding anniversary to you, ex-husband. You are still so beautiful to me but you have chosen your path and I only wish you well. Step In The Name of Love!

DrownDeep Hula

The message said DrownDeep Hula.

It's amazing what those words evoked. Images from time so long ago.

I forgot all about that song. The distinct bass line. The dreamy sound, as if he is submerged under water. And the lyrics? The lyrics are mysterious and delicious and requires the listener to make an emotional connection to the writer.

His music is so unique.
Lyrics so unique.

I have obsessed over Maxwell since he first landed on the Neo-Soul/R&B scene. And I added seeing him perform to my bucket list over twenty years ago. I am going to check this off my list soon, like within two weeks.

I can only focus on the goodness in my life since the horrible interruption on September 21st. By September 28th we were signing the divorce papers. The pain was intense for those first two weeks. At times it was hard to see even a few hours ahead of me. If someone would ask me what I was going to do for dinner, I just could not plan that far ahead. My heart was just so broken. This Maxwell concert is the right thing to have so that I can focus on something bigger than me and see past today's hurt.

**heavy sigh**

I am going to be okay. That's what I keep telling myself. I tell myself that my soon-to-be ex husband needs to be away from me to unravel his unhappiness and get back to being joyful. It hurts when someone tells you that they just don't love you anymore. I don't know anyone that can just shut off their feelings like that. Heck, my first husband said those same words to me when he divorced me. I can't say how that happens. I often think about what would have happened if I had let the first husband back into my world before I eloped with the second husband. Nobody knows.

What I do know is that when I love someone in that romantic way, I love hard. I love unconditionally. I give my everything. And I have loved only two men in this way and they both were my husbands. My friends tell me I'm lucky to have loved like that at all. Some people go through life never experiencing love like this. Do I thank my lucky stars? Sure. But break-ups are so hard. They are so taxing on me and yet I feel so alive.

The last year has been so rough within my failed marriage. Both he and I were ready for a change. I had two job offers over the summer. One I turned down because my husband said I should stay where I'm at even though I was unhappy there. My respect for him as the head of the household convinced me that I should listen. Now we've split and I hold a degree of resentment toward him for that. I guess we should always listen to our inner voice. He went through some rough patches also with his job that eventually led to him quitting even without having another job waiting. I supported him in that. I told him that no one should be that unhappy at a place that they have to spend eight hours a day at. So I told him to QUIT! And he did. He quit, he went home to see his little sister graduate from college, and life was still good.

**heavy sigh**

Revisiting My Journal from 2003

I did a dumb thing this morning.

I pulled out my journal from 2002-2003. I cried and cried as I read through the pages.

Back in 2003, my ex-ex husband Dallas (not his real name) asked for a divorce. Just five days later I met my current soon-to-be ex husband, Reggie (not his real name). As I read my journal, I noticed the emotion on the paper and how it was so raw and untethered. Reading those pages, I re-experienced falling so madly in love. Reggie brought me back to life after being broken down and now, ironically, he is the source of my heartache. Oh how I wish we could have stayed in that bubble of falling in love. It was full of magic and bliss.

How was I able to fall in love with Reggie while mourning the loss of my marriage to Dallas?

I suppose my love affair with Reggie happened so quickly because I was starving for affection. I had spent nine years of my life trying to make shit work with Dallas. I was so loyal. So down for him. When he asked for the divorce, I had no choice but to take care of my heart and let someone else in. The evening we signed the divorce document was the last time I seen and spoke to Dallas. It was such a heartbreaking moment that I will never forget. But it gave me my freedom. I was no longer tied down to Dallas. I could do whatever I wanted without recourse.

Excerpt from my journal, dated Saturday June 7, 2003:

The craziest thing happened yesterday. Dallas called me at about 7am. I was laying in Reggie's bed and my phone rings. I look over and see the familiar number. I was flabbergasted. On Thursday I was telling BooBoo how much I missed Dallas and I how I wished I could have it all back. Then Friday rolls around and he calls. We talked for about an hour and some change. Me and him just crying like babies. Me layed up in another mans bed telling my ex-husband how much I love him. I was telling him that I have so much love to give and he was not trying to be on the receiving end. He kept telling me sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me. **heavy sigh** He said he has so much problems going on with him. So many things he hasn't really let go of. Just when I think everything is done, and I have fully let go of him, he pops back into my life and blows my mind away. I STILL love him so much like I've never loved any man. And I want it all back. At the same time - after all the hurt - how can I take him back?

You know I love me some Reggie but not the way I love Dallas. I don't think anyone can fill those shoes but at the same time there was so much hurt. And I told him I could overlook it all if he could start from today and do me right. **heavy sigh** I don't know how I should be feeling. Why is he doing this to me? Is he trying to put closure on this or is he trying to get back in my world? I don't know.  I just don't know what the heck is going on. I mean, just when I think it's done and over with he pops back in. And for what????

Dallas calls me at work and we go into greater detail about our relationship. He proceeds to tell me EVERYTHING I needed to hear when we were married. Like how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And how I am such a good wife and that most women wouldn't stick by through half of the mess we been through. I cried and cried and cried. He cried. We talked for hours. He told me he didn't wanna die alone or grow old alone. How is it possible for me to love a man that has nothing left to give? Why do I feel it necessary to love men that need healing? I'll never understand. I love me some Dallas. I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with him.