What Do You Believe

VIDEO: What Do You Believe?

When someone asks me, "What do you believe?"
It usually follows a discussion on something wildly controversial.

Do you believe in ALIENS?

Do you think there are mysteries behind the symbols on the U.S. currency?

Was there a place called ATLANTIS?

Do you think there are real PSYCHICS?

Is there one God or many different GODS?

Does the Bermuda Triangle exist?

Do you believe in REINCARNATION?

Is karma real?       Do you believe in ghosts?

Is it possible to bend time and space?

I'm sure you get the picture... the list of questions could go on and on. What I can say about MY BELIEFS is that it is so very open to possibility. All things are possible! What we experience in this earthly existence is but a small fraction in comparison to the mysteries of the universe. I have a magnet on the refrigerator that simply states: BELIEVE. This truly is the basis of all knowledge. You must BELIEVE!

At the foundation of My Belief System is that positive forces have one source -- God. Anything else is the absence of God. I would like to always be on the positive end of the spectrum... distributing light, love, knowlege, and truth.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Though I'd like to say that I live for the here and now.... what would probably be more accurate is that I'm excited about what happens next. What happens when my physical body ceases to exist? As I age and progress in my earthly development, what will happen when my heart stops beating and my brain stops working? We have all experienced the loss of a loved one. I love imagining reuniting with each and every one of them. Oh how I miss my grandmothers. (I have never known any of my grandfathers, they all died when my parents were children.) I miss my cousin Jason who was like a lightbulb inside a dark room. His charisma was infectious. I miss my dear, departed friend Michele (pronounced Me-sha-lay). Her humour is what I miss in my day-to-day. My Belief System includes the possibility, the ability, the reality that I will meet them again.

COMPASSION
My intention, in dealing with people, animals, the earth, nature, etc. is to feel total compassion. Can I hurt any of these things if I feel compassion for him/her/it? Compassion can be equated with pure-love-energy. It sounds whacky but it actually goes back to a more ancient way of thinking.... a very Eastern philosophy of caring for nature and loving all living things. All of Asia (including India) practice reverence for nature. Native American tribes, Polynesian's, Hindu's, etc. All honor the bounty of the earth and express gratitude for the abundance of resources available to man. I think it is beautiful and is so much a part of who I am. This world is so beautiful. The least I can do is help to care for it the way I would like to be cared for. To love humanity and each individual soul. We are all children of our Creator!

CREATED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE "LIGHT"
I believe that we are all here to do magnificent things. We are an extension of God and should rise to meet the expectation. It's tough to have such a lofty BELIEF SYSTEM and fall short of it on the daily. However, I want my expectations to be something I must strive for rather than something that comes with ease. I am reminded of the story about the butterfly in the cocoon. The butterfly receives strength in its wings by pushing against the cocoon and attempting to break through it. A person observing this may slit open the cocoon to assist the butterfly but this act would, in fact, cripple the butterfly and render its wings useless. We are all created to do significant things that will contribute to the "light",  to the positivity in the universe.

In reading over what free-flowed from my mind, to my fingertips, through the keyboard. My conscious mind is in agreement. These are my basic beliefs (along with what I said on my video):
~God is the founder of positive vibes.
~I live to prepare for the next life. ("Prepare to meet God")
~Compassion/ Unconditional Love for all of God's creations is something I would like to practice in all my actions.
~We are born to testify of God by contributing to the "light" in the universe.

What do you believe?

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Atlantis Photo Credit
Cosmos Photo Credit

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FOLLOW ME

Video Podcast Episode 1 : How I Find Myself in South Carolina

Here's the link to the Deer Incident I talk about in the video.

I have this mantra that I always tell myself:
"Everything I want and need will fall into my lap without effort."

The way the pieces of my life have fallen into place in the present appear random but nothing is ever random. And everything I want comes to me without effort (that's what I tell myself). My move to South Carolina has been all about following the path of least resistance and turning a new leaf and moving in a direction that is not "resistant."

There's nothing like a life-changing event like divorce to make one reexamine life. I had it all. The house. The car. The handsome husband. And with my ex announcing that he wanted a divorce I lost everything that I had become so comfortable with. All of a sudden, all of that stuff wasn't so important anymore and I struggled everyday just to get out of bed. That's a story for another time that I will tell here on this blog and on my video podcast.

The shock of divorce rattled my life, shook it up, and pushed me to find out what will make me happy again. I thought to myself, if I could do anything in the world, what would it be? And this is how I find myself here in South Carolina... chasing my biggest dream to write full time, to be a media personality, to express my thoughts on any platform. I have a strong point of view and I am here to express it.

Adding Dimension to NeenaLove, Inc.

It's time for a change.

It's time for me to catch up to this wave of podcasting that has taken over the online community.

I will always be a writer. 

I will continue to communicate and convey my thoughts and feelings BEST in written format on this blog, in my journal, and it my written manuscripts.

However, it is time to include VLOGGING/Podcasting to my repertoire. 

I actually make this transition with excitement as I love cameras (maybe I can upgrade soon). And I love the sound of my voice. I have a deep, rich voice that sometimes gets mistaken for a man's voice. I remember pulling up at McDonalds once and the woman on the receiving end kept calling me "Sir." At first, I was annoyed but now I'm just used to it. Trust and Believe, I am ALL woman. 

I hope you will tune in to my vlog.

I have selected Wednesday as my regular release date every week.

It is very difficult for me to select just one topic because I am interested and curious about so many things. To nail down a topic and pick just one would be a tragedy in the making. So I am going to treat this like a really good conversation with my BFF and when she's in town, she will make an appearance on the vlog.

Most of the pivotal decisions in my life have happened after a great conversation with people in my inner circle. There's my father who has always dispensed the best advice and usually did it with very few words. Even though he can talk on and on about a variety of subjects, when it comes to causing a paradigm shift in my heart, he only need say a few words and I "get it." There's my older brother. He, too, is a man of very few words. And the words he chooses are always very impactful, just as my father. There's my baby brother who, consequently, is also a man of very few words. His age (he is so young) coupled with his millenial outlook on life always flips the script on me and I always sit back and laugh at his wisdom. There's my sister-in-law. She is like the definition of "plan ahead" and I always cherish her view on things because it's so different from my own. I am the 'fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants' girl. Spontaneous to a fault. I think of all of them as I start this journey into vlogging. 

I have dipped and dabbed, a little, with vlogging. Making videos is such a chore as it requires so much planning. Let's not talk about all the "bloopers" that also happen when filming one single video. I laugh at the many "takes" that I have to do to get it just right. I have not scripted any of the videos that I have made so far. I have a general idea of what I want to say then I go with it. When I look at the videos on my YouTube page that I have made so far, I cringe at the lighting. Almost all the videos look like I have bags under my eyes - thanks to the shadows and the contours on my face that cause the shadows. But I am who I am regardless of what I look like. Also - maybe I can get sophisticated lighting the deeper I get into this vlogging world.   

One thing that I absolutely love is hearing the stories of older people. For instance, every morning when I leave for work, there's an older gentleman that walks around the complex. When I run into him, he is sweaty and looks as if he's been walking for quite some time. This morning, I stopped him and told him that I should get into walking too. He looked so thrilled that I said more than, "Good Morning," as I normally do when I see him. While we're standing there having a conversation, his legs are still going as he is walking in place. 

"How old you think I am," he asks me. 

I take a good look at him and I guess 60 years old. He fires back, "Try again. Higher."

65?

He is shaking his head vigorously.

"Higher!"

I step back. No way you're 70?

"I turned 80 two weeks ago." He has a light patois. Jamaican, maybe?

What the hell? The man looks good and maybe it's because he's bald and clean-shaven that there's no graying to behold but his eyebrows are jet black. His skin has some wear on it but no deep wrinkles at all. I am speechless. That is hard to do - to cause me to be speechless. I stand there with my mouth agape as he talks about his habit of walking and his wife's habit of walking. He runs down his daily routine. Exercise. Cool down. Shower. Eat a bowl of cereal. Relax. 

"But," he says, "I just started working again."

Before retiring, he drove a van for special needs children and he has picked it up again.

I smile and tell him that work keeps him  young. Just like my dad who still works at 75 years old. And his job is a physically vigorous job. My father is a landscaper.

Anyway, I wish I had snapped a picture with that gentleman this morning. But trust and believe, I am going to interview him, in the future, for my VLOG. I will let him tell me again what the secrets are for living a long, healthy life.

So here's to VLOGGING/PODCASTING! I will always write but now I'm adding another component to NeenaLove, Inc. Stay tuned!

Still Say Yes

My wake up call came a little after 5 a.m. this morning. The voice over the phone said, "Babe, get up. I'm getting on the road. I'll call you when I get to my destination."

I lay in bed for a minute or so and look at his picture (the man I just hung up with). I review the last thing he texted me. It was a link to a song on YouTube. The opening lyrics put me in some kind of mood.
Let me take care of you.
I wanna love and treat you right.
Let me take care of you.
Hold you down for the rest of your life.

I replied to his text with my own song. You're Always On My Mind.

I always wonder when exactly "IT" happens. When does a casual friendship or relationship turn into something more? The idea that a man wants to hold me down for the rest of my life... again... frightens me. I have given my heart away twice before and both relationships ended against my wishes and seemingly from out of nowhere. Perhaps I wasn't seeing that the relationship had deteriorated (both relationships). I think that I purposely overlooked the problems because I wanted to work on it and not give up on the relationship(s), not give up on the man. I have never given my heart away with the intent that one day I will have to take it back. Even now, as I navigate this single life, I don't want to give away my heart if I have to take it back in the future. I don't know how to properly vet a man and gauge if he is in it for the long haul. Look at my last relationship. We were together for 13 years before we split. I gave him a good portion of my life. I supported him through all of his transitions and he threw me away like yesterday's trash.

I'm not bitter. In fact, all of these experiences make me who I am. I have experienced a full spectrum of emotions from being so high in love to being heartbroken and everything in between. I suppose I have lived all my adult life trying to be a part of a duo instead of loving my self, solo. I have placed my needs on the back burner in favor of nurturing the relationship. Having split from my ex(es), I now know that I have to take care of my own heart. I have to push through my loneliness. I have to disassociate my worth from being a part of a marriage and love and enjoy the woman I am, alone.

It has been a fun ride so far. I don't hold any malice in my heart for anything that has transpired. I truly think that at the end of my life, I will look back and realize that the number one lesson I have had to learn is forgiveness. I feel like I've learned it. I hope the universe goes easy on me for the next 40 years of my life. No more hard times that I have to learn forgiveness. No more hard times! I am ready for my rising star and to live a life filled with joy and fulfillment. I choose happiness right now, in every moment without worry of tomorrow or yesterday.

And even with a glorious, blossoming love in my life, I would never take away the pain I have experienced at the hands of my exes. I would STILL SAY YES knowing that it would pan out this way.

As Happy As I Choose To Be

There are certain points in time where I wish I could go back and change the outcome. I'm sure everyone has thought about it before. What point in time would you like to go back to and change the course of your life?

I look back on my life, with all of its ups and downs, and cannot imagine my life without any of those experiences. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad - it all makes me who I am today. And I want to always feel the humility that comes with the hard things that I have experienced. I want to always feel the joy of the good times also. The many experiences cut facets into the my life that make it shine like a precious gem stone.

I have a trail of broken hearts to look back on and I'm actually tired of looking at them. I'm tired of feeling the emotion of lost love and all the could-have-beens. I just want to move forward in bliss and feel completely satisfied with my life. So -- that's what I choose to do today and everyday. And it is a conscious decision that I have to make, every morning, to be happy with everything in my life. To be grateful. To have less expectation and appreciate and love everything in the here and now. This is the POINT in my life that I'm choosing happiness... so that a year from now or maybe ten years from now I'm not that same sad girl with the trail of broken hearts.

This trail of broken hearts has given me a lot of inspiration. The way I deal with it is evident in my writing and my creative pursuits. When I write, I purge the sadness. I let all of the emotions of not feeling good enough bubble up to the surface so that I can release them once and for all. Two marriages and two divorces. My life sounds like a bad love story and yet it has not killed my desire to want to love and be loved. I don't know anyone that wants to grow old alone. I certainly know that I don't. But if I do have to travel the rest of my life alone, I choose to be happy. I choose to be okay with the cards that life has dealt me. I choose to make every single day about nurturing the happiness inside of me and remembering all the things that I have been blessed with.

My parents were so insistent on making me a well-rounded woman. The things that I have learned from them amazes me. The talents and skills that I have been blessed with is more than enough to incite a sense of contentment inside of me and yet I want more. I want to do more. I want to share more. I want to always be a positive, motivating force in the world. I have always had this feeling inside of me that wants to change the world in a positive way. I don't know how God or the Universe wants to use me. I only know that I am here on this planet to share whatever gifts I have. I welcome the opportunity.

I'm In Love With Another Man

My 16-year old niece shared this song with me over the Christmas Break. I'm In Love With Another Man performed by Jazmine Sullivan. Scroll down, I embedded the YouTube video at the bottom of this post. Maybe you can play it while you read this post.

I don't know if she understands the lyrics of the song but she had this on repeat (along with The Greatest Showman soundtrack) every day. Today, as I did my lunchtime walkabout around the State Capitol here in Columbia, South Carolina, the song came up on my playlist. As I listened to the lyrics and to the nuances of Jazmine's voice and the rising intensity of the song, I hoped that my niece identifies with that rather than the lyrics. Surely, she's much too limited in experience to understand the dilemma, right?!

As I made my way along the sidewalks of Downtown Columbia, I placed the song on REPEAT. I was immediately thrown back to the spring of 1994. My boyfriend at the time was a lovely man. Well, without divulging too much about myself in relation to him, we were in love even with all the obstacles that should have kept us apart. I thought I was in love. I thought what he and I had was love. Up until that point, what he and I had is what I would define as LOVE. Then one hot and sunny April day, while my boyfriend was away for work, I met someone else.

I wish I could say that I was a good girlfriend and turned away from the advances of the "someone else." But I didn't. I had a terrible headache the day I met someone else and I was grouchy, tired, probably dehydrated, and I just wanted to sleep. My friends that I was hanging with were in full-party-mode and the chances were slim of me finding somewhere to lay my head to rest and nurse my aching head.

If I could, could forget him
I would, please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby, it's not, not that easy
You treat me so much better than him
And if I were sane there'd be no competition

The song's lyrics set up a likely dilemma for a soap opera. Girl has a boyfriend. Girl falls in love with someone else. Someone else is not as nice as her boyfriend but she wants to break from her boyfriend anyway. My situation in 1994 is almost like that but not. I had a boyfriend and I meet someone else and fall in love with someone else. However, unlike the lyrics of the song, someone else treated me just as good, if not better than the boyfriend. So the position of the song doesn't quite fit with my situation but it reminded me of it nonetheless.

I wish I could say that my break from the boyfriend was drama free but it so wasn't. Someone Else stood by me through the many ups and downs that accompanied a relationship with me and the crazy break up with my boyfriend. I knew he was going to be someone special to me the minute I laid my eyes on him. We were driving past him and his friends. He was sitting on a car laughing. I will never forget that strange feeling I had when I saw him and this was before we even met formally. Like I said, I wish I were a better girlfriend and remained true to my man but that was not in the stars. Someone else stole me away. Well, I wouldn't say stole because I went with him willingly. Whole-heartedly.

It was just going to be a fling. That's what I had put into my mind. Boyfriend would never be the wiser. That is not how it turned out. When "someone else" and I met, there was a definite buzz between us. Electricity. Sparks. Flames. Hell, it was a fire even with the gnawing headache that I was nursing. After meeting that Sunday evening, flirting, we exchanged numbers then parted ways. There was no denying the attraction between us and I was curious where the sparks would lead.

MONDAY LUNCH TIME - He calls me. We make plans to meet up again. I was so impressed that he called when he said he would.... and the butterflies fluttered aimlessly through my belly.

MONDAY NIGHT - A few of my girls accompanied me to his apartment. After all, we just met and I wasn't comfortable going there by myself. His room mates were there also. And with all the people around us, both he and I just wanted to be alone. The animal attraction between us was sparking hotter than it was the night before. We were both being polite for all the other people there. If they weren't there, our lips would have locked a whole lot sooner. Instead, we kissed as I was attempting to leave with my girls and the rest is history.

I saw him the entire time that boyfriend was off on a work trip. I was instantly smitten by "the someone else" and I knew I could not return to my boyfriend. I tried. I really did. Someone else and I even agreed to continue seeing each other even after my boyfriend returned. I was not happy with boyfriend. Suddenly, he wasn't enough. I tried to pretend that nothing happened while boyfriend was away but I could not forget the way someone else made me feel, the endless conversations we had, how he loved my body, how I felt so safe, and there was just no way to deny that I had fallen madly, deeply in love with someone else.

Oh but when I'm with him, but when I'm with him
When I'm with him, ain't nothing else like it
I'm so sorry baby that I have to do this to you
But I can't go on pretending
Cause I love him, I love him
And I'm so sorry, do you hear me?
I'm so sorry but I love that man
I love that man

In the end - it happened just like the song.

I'm in love with another man
And I'm so sorry, hey
But I love someone else

Happy Divorce Anniversary : Year One Is Complete

1 year ago today, Honorable Judge Na'unanikina'u A. Kamali'i ordered, adjudged, and decreed that "a decree of divorce is granted..." You can go back and read my posts from a year ago and feel the sadness that I experienced. I never go into a relationship to give up and I know I sound like a broken record but two men have found it better to be alone than to be with me. That messes with me from time to time because, well, it makes me wonder if I am unfit to be loved. Of course I know that I am lovable but some days when I think about the crazy loves I have experienced through adulthood, I have to question how good of a woman I think I am.

My first husband was my first love. I met him when I was just 18 years old. I didn't know shit about love but I swore I did and as soon as I met him, we moved so quickly and effortlessly into love. I was like a pitbull when it came to him. I locked my jaws onto him and was not going to let him go until he gave me what I wanted. And all I wanted was HIS professed love. We married after I turned 21. Six years later we divorced. My second husband was everything my first husband was not -- he was present in every single moment, in my face with love and affection, and wanted to be a part of every facet of my life. We traveled the world together. We were best friends. We bought our first house together. There was a bunch of firsts with him. He was so much fun. I will always hold on to our good times because there was a lot of them.

Having said all of that there is one thing I have made peace with and that is that I don't want to move backwards. All the pining I have done for my exes is just too much already. I just need to move forward and not look back. Everyone that matters to me has said as much. Even though I shared so much of my life with both men, there is just no way that I can put the hurt behind me. We can be friends, maybe. But partners or mates again? I'm not so sure. And the friend thing is questionable also just because I feel a sense of irritation just thinking about "helping" my ex with anything. Whatever value he sees in me that he would want to keep me as a friend, it was all his when we were married. And... well.... we're not married anymore and any value I might add to him is no longer available to him. It's time for me to move on and actually, it's time for him to move on as well. This is what you wanted - divorce. There is nothing that binds us together. We don't have children so let me go and you go on your way too!

When I think about the condition of my heart and the broken-ness and sadness of the past, I want to move ever so quickly toward something else. When it comes down to it, I love the butterflies that accompany new love. The anticipation and the magic that happens is so nice. There's no sadness or heartache associated with new love and I cherish the beginnings. I want it to stay just like it is in the beginning of the budding romance. I feel like I never want the relationship to develop past that beginning stage. I mean, because, what happens after the beginning? Usually one person is pushing for it to develop to something more, which usually means moving in together or marriage. And what happens in that type of relationship? The butterflies disappear. The honeymoon phase fades and the relationship becomes a shadow of what it was in the beginning. We forget how much we couldn't live without each other. We forget the instant attraction that happened in the beginning. We forget to love each other and to cherish each other. In fact, we find ourselves dreading the monotony of our lives. It doesn't have to be that way but it usually happens that way. Some people can manage it and push to work through those difficult times and some just throw in the towel. I suppose one is not better than the other, it all depends on your value system. So give me the fireworks of brand new beginnings.

I subscribe to relationship commentator, Derrick Jaxn. I love his videos. Some of them are really funny and truthful and it comes from the man's perspective. He talks about how women should approach relationships. I mention him just because he has been like the voice in my ear for the last year, reminding me that I need to know my own value. Thank you Derrick Jaxn! This video is one of my favorites. It's not very old. I think he posted it a month ago. I want my ex to one day realize what a gem he let go of when he gave me my walking papers. Maybe that day will never come and him divorcing me might turn out to be the best thing he ever did. Whatever happens though, I will be okay. Right now, I know that it's already TOO LATE. If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted it all back, I can't. I'm done.


Truth be told, I feel so free right now. I will be even freer as soon as I no longer have joint debt with my ex. We don't need to be in contact. My feelings for him are still so raw. Any of our encounters since we split has been difficult for me. I will never show him that raw emotion again, the way I did when he first told me he wanted a divorce. He will never see me fall apart again. In fact, my rise is meteoric. He can watch me from afar.

So happy divorce anniversary. I will celebrate this weekend in Myrtle Beach, perched on a balcony overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. And hopefully I will find some good seafood to munch on as today, of all days, I am craving a poke bowl.

Sounding Off : Confused

Lately, my extra-curricular activities have taken me to some shady places. I don't know how I find myself in these places at such ungodly hours of the morning but it has definitely made my skin a little thicker and my resolve to surround myself with good people so much stronger.

I do not look down on the people that I observed in these shady places because each and every person battles their own demons. I do, however, know that I do not want to be affiliated with them. I do not want to be on first-name basis with any of them and certainly do not want them popping up in my life whenever they feel like it. I'm not better than anyone but the vibrational levels that they're at and the level that I'm at are two different things.

I see a friend of mine going down such a dark path and feel ill-equipped to steer her from harm's way. I know that I cannot choose for her. She must choose the road she wants to travel. My wish is that she will come out of this temporary escape from reality unscathed. I ride with her because she is one of my most best friends. When I think of her I think of good times and laughing hysterically. I think of how daring she is and how she casts all doubts aside and walks into any fire completely sure that she will overcome it. I think of how we met as little girls and now we're almost middle-aged and we are still riding together. I think of the tears I have shed over the past nine months as she saw me through my split with my ex-husband. She still sees me through it and lets me vent when I need to and we cry and laugh and say crazy ish to make us feel better.

Separately, we are going through crazy things in our relationships. Me, I'm recently divorced and navigating this new single life. Her, well, that's her story to tell. Not mine.

My ex-husband and I have texted back and forth in recent days. We have become more and more friendly. I don't harbor any malice for him but my heart is still so broken and it's because he left me. I am not an angry person but I can't help but think of everything that my ex and I shared. We were really the best of friends and it's hard to not think of and miss that comfortable place. I am just so confused and unsure about the next move that I need to take. It is hard to make the decision to let go of the illusions of forever with him and yet I know I have to. And once I do let go I will lock that space in my heart that he once occupied, never to be opened again.

I know that I don't want anything serious right now. It's like I have to decompress from having been a married woman for all of my adult life. I enjoy being in a relationship but I'm too old to put up with just anything. I was journaling in my written diary about wanting to be swept off my feet with romance. I want to feel that crazy love - whisked away to exotic destinations and showered with gifts and flowers and affection. Every woman wants that, right?! I'm too old to help a man "build" himself. Can't I just have a partner that is already assembled? I know right now that I may seem all put together but the truth is I am in the building stage too but a year from now, I will be at the top of my game. Hopefully it will be more like six months. Of one thing I am certain: when I have it all together NOTHING and NO ONE is going to interfere with the path that I have chosen for myself. 

My Time to Jump

In the past few months I have talked incessantly about my rising star. I don't know what that's about but I feel it in my gut so strong and urgent. And I don't say it with arrogance or even confidence except that I feel it so strongly - a life calling me that is bigger than the here and now and bigger than I can currently imagine.

I suspect that all the pain I have experienced and all the joys have contributed to the me that I am right now. I do not look at my trail of broken hearts and severed relationships as anything but what it is - two people choosing different paths in life. I respect and honor the choices of the men that have left me. It is their authentic choice. Maybe at the end of my life I will understand the whys of their leaving me but today is not that day. I will always find love in the way that it always finds me. I know my value today and will not settle for less than a man that excites me and sets my world on fire. One that will support my every dream no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Someone that believes in me.

But beyond the wonder and magic of love, I am excited about the power I have to create the life I have always wanted to live. I can take the crazy risks that have always been nestled in my heart of hearts without fear of a less-than supportive mate. I know that the glue that holds me together today is my belief that I can do whatever my mind can conceive. And there is nothing holding me back except my own stubbornness to accept the path that is laid out before me. I still look back at my past wanting and wishing that things could be different instead of looking forward with my eyes single to the pursuit and completion of my goals. I can see so clearly the grandness of my life and the power within me to do what I once thought was impossible.

I still feel great love for my ex and yet understand with exactness that he does not feel love for me anymore. And though I continually mourn the end of that relationship and I occasionally cry myself to sleep just missing his presence in my life, I accept his choice to leave. I welcome the wonder of every tomorrow and marvel at my resilience to rise above the disappointment of that failed relationship. God knows my heart and the potential for which I strive to live up to.

I am here in Maryland and will drive down to South Carolina later this week. And before I flew out here last week, I had a minor meltdown at home. I found myself feeling like I was at rock bottom with all the things going on in my life. I was moving out of the house I was living in and had nowhere to go except back to my father's house. I have no car because my car had been wrecked in a car accident that I was involved in. If you had seen the condition of the car, you would marvel that I even survived.

Nothing is working for me on "my island" and I realized, as I sat sobbing at my predicament, that it is time for me to spread my wings and move away from Hawai'i. God knows I love my island home and my family there but if I am to accomplish anything of substance then I must leave and find my fortune wherever the road is taking me. Making that decision before I left lifted a burden off my shoulders. My older brother and my baby brother really pulled it together for me. My older brother co-signed my feelings about leaving the island and said everything I needed to hear to finally make the decision to leave. My baby brother paid my ticket to leave. Though I am not making the move immediately, the decision to do so was the hardest part. And now that I have made it, this vacation that I am on is that much sweeter. I look forward to every tomorrow!

Burden of Secrets

Some days I crave emotional support. Today is one of those days. I can't be all put together, all the time. No one can. I wish I could stay in bed for the next week and cry. Maybe I should crawl into a cave and not come out for a day or two. Secrets are a heavy burden that I don't want to carry anymore.  I want to live my truth. I am in a constant state of peeling apart layer after layer of the life I have created. I feel so messed up all of the time. And I pretend to be so put together when really I just want to fall apart in pieces. I have always been a "fake it til you make it girl." I know one day I will emerge from this heavy burden of sadness and fear. I see it so clearly but today... today is not that day.

Since I split from my ex in September 2016, my whole life has been in constant transition. I did not see the divorce coming even though I felt that things were off between he and I. While he was contemplating the split and figuring out his solo game plan, I was wondering how to make US better. I never thought that I would have to plan my life again, as a single woman. I feel alone. I crave affection and someone to hold me together but I have to figure out a way to hold myself together. I cannot lean on anyone to do this for me anymore.

I want to run away and start a new life somewhere away from all the noise around me. I crave new experiences to help me forget the pain of the here and now. I look at the woman I am today and marvel at how far I've come from September 2016 and struggle with wanting my old life that I had with my ex. We were a powerful match but I cannot keep looking back at that because he DOES NOT want me. And I just have to make peace with that and move ever gently in a different direction. What has transpired between us is done and no amount of longing on my part will bring back what we had.

For the most part, I am an open book but there are some secrets that I have not even told to my two besties -- two women that know virtually EVERYTHING about me. I fear judgement. I don't want them to tell me how stupid I am or foolish. Both of them are in Maryland, so far away from me. So today and every day I carry my secrets and bear its weight alone. As I reconcile the consequences of my choices, I make corrections so as not to make the same mistakes again. So I cry tonight and release it into the universe so that I can feel whole again. Alone.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel renewed and maybe I won't but I know that I cannot continue on in this way.

So Fragile So Broken

I am going through such a range of emotions in the writing of this novel. This is the longest I have stuck to the writing of my own novel. Projects that I have done as a "ghost writer" have been simple because the subjects are usually things that I am so disconnected from. However, the writing of this novel is forcing me to dig deep and feel emotions that I have buried for so long. It is very therapeutic to feel these things and at the same time gives me an awful remembrance of the hurt I have experienced. As much as I say I love to be in love, I think it's mostly to avoid having to feel these strong emotions of pain and suffering and of loss and longing. Maybe one day I will skip having to be so melancholy and on the verge of a depressive break down. My feelings of happiness from last week are lost on me today. I hope tomorrow will be warm and that the joy I felt just a few days ago will return.

I cannot continue this manic feeling of highs and lows and I surely don't want to pull anyone into this crazy roller coaster. I hate this and yet the tears that I shed are like drops of pain leaving me. I wish I didn't have to go through these emotions but I understand that this is part of my healing. I honor the lessons I have learned and I cherish the fact that I love so deeply and so complete. And I hope that one day someone will come along who can appreciate the depth of my soul and how much devotion and love I am capable of giving.

I started a post several months ago, after my divorce was complete. The post is called "Hashtag Perfect Man." In it, I talk incessantly about what the perfect man for me looks like. Every woman has different ideas on this. As I was reviewing the post, I am surprised at how lengthy it is and so specific. And it details things that are so surface and shallow and so unlike me but I really wanted to create the perfect guy in my minds eye so as to attract exactly what I had envisioned. I have not completed the post because I have not included the things of the heart. It's like I'm afraid to outline the things that will care for my heart, afraid that if I dreamed that big dream no man could ever fit that tall order. Moving forward, I cannot compromise the things that are most important to me and that is that someone will appreciate my heart and the depth of my soul. That my devotion to him will never be taken for granted. That my tenderness will never be used and stand unreciprocated. I don't think I am a high maintenance woman. I am definitely down to earth but not high maintenance. I do require a lot of attention, someone that will always think of me and show it in his actions.

There's a Jonathan Butler song called, Take Good Care of Me. The first time I heard it I was a pre-teen. Late 80's time frame. The lyrics have always been so beautiful to me. I don't know why I have always identified with the idea that I am a broken-hearted girl but I have. Perhaps my energy attracts all this pain and loss. I would not be surprised if that is the case. When I attended the Maxwell concert this past November, as we exited the arena and walked to the car my date asked me to sing a song for him. I selected this song. It was such a beautiful evening. I was feeling fantastic and euphoric at all the experiences of that particular weekend but especially that evening. It was so close to perfection where I felt whole and loved. The magic and the electricity of it all will never be forgotten. And even with all that magic, I know my heart is so afraid to trust again. And I don't want to be bitter and resentful but I think that maybe lonely is better than falling truly, madly, deeply in love again. I cannot experience anymore heartache. I don't want to.

I don't want to push away true love but I am so fragile and so broken. And even though I pretend to be strong and I constantly use the hashtag iStillBelieveInLove, do I? Do I believe that my heart really has the capacity to love again? I can't even call it right now. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and allowing anyone into my private agony. And I don't want it to be agony for long. One day I hope that I will triumph over this sadness and live in that space where joy reigns. I spend so many mornings in tears as I wake alone in my bed. So many nights longing to be held as I fall asleep and wishing that my bed was not empty. Somehow my life is going on, one day at a time but I wish I could skip over all this heartache. I wish I had the resolve to say that tomorrow will be better but I will settle by just saying that I will try harder to let go of the pain. Maybe one day someone will crack through this hardened heart that is longing to be soft again.

Love Future

In recent days, I have found myself contemplating what I will do next in life. I have this pulsing desire to leave this current situation behind. I want to put so much distance between me and all of my past romantic relationships and scratch out a new existence all by myself. I know I will not do it all by myself. My family and friends are so much a part of my transition. But I feel the need to be all by myself in the world. As crazy as that sounds, I need the peace and tranquility of being alone to find ME again. I need to stretch my legs and gather new experiences and remember the girl I was and figure out the girl I am going to be.

Much of my adult life has found me searching for true love and seeking to find that spark, that magic, that fire. In recent months, I straddle this line between rekindling past love and all of the history that comes with it or should I move toward something brand new without any history or pain. The pattern I find myself in is that I want men that don't want me. Well they want me or they think they want me but they have no idea how to fulfill my needs. They don't pursue me in the traditional way that I dream of, the way I saw my father constantly court my mother or the way I watch my older brother with his wife. I have such beautiful examples of love, unconditional, all around me. How is it that my selection in men is so poor that they always find a reason to leave me?

I have buried two marriages in my short life and right now, I cannot love like that again even though I love being in love. There is no better feeling than the butterflies that arise in my belly when I am in love. There is no better feeling than to be desired by a man that I am absolutely head over heels for. And yet, I have not clearly defined in my head how I want the next relationship to look like moving forward. I would agree with anyone who says that right now is not the time to look for a new love. And yet I feel the stirrings in my belly again. I feel the magic of explosive new love and at the same time, I feel the burn of old love and my mind cannot decipher which is the right way to go. At best, the right way is to sit in stillness and not choose a path at all. The path that is beckoning to me is the one that puts me above everyone else. I cannot live my life for another and neither can they live for me.

Just recently, I started watching the TV Show THIS IS US. The writing is so fabulous. The story line so real and the actors and actresses that bring it to life are stellar. The most recent episode I watched, there is a particular scene where one of the main characters is prompted to seek out his one true love. Kevin shows up at Sophie's door unannounced after not having seen her in 12 years. She was once married to him and he left the marriage. He tells her that she's the one that got away.

Side Note: Every single episode of THIS IS US is chock full of raw human emotion. Love, hate, resentment, anger - it just covers so many emotions and I cry with every single episode.

When Kevin shows up at Sophie's door and reveals his regrets, it instantly reminded me of my own failed first marriage. Everyone has a first love - the one they gave their entire heart to. My first love was also my first husband. I have written about our relationship several times before on this blog and in my handwritten journals. At the end of that marriage, I never quite moved on. It's like he took the biggest piece of my heart with him when he left. And what was left for my second husband was a tiny fraction of my capacity to love and yet there's no denying that I did love my second husband also. This recent break up with him has brought all of the pain and loss of both marriages to the forefront and I grieve. I still sob when I think of the loss of the two great loves in my life. This prompts me to want the magic and electricity of new love. I don't want to dwell on the pain of the past. I have been quite successful at burying the pain and pushing forward without addressing the wounds. But now, now is the time to purge and let it all go once and for all.

I don't know what my love future looks like. What I do know is that I love the bliss of a love without any pain associated with it. What I do know is that magic can happen at the craziest of times and under the strangest of circumstances. What I absolutely know is that synergy and pure, raw attraction is alive and well in me. What I know is that I don't want to label or define the old or the new because it changes it, whatever IT is, and turns it into something I may not want. As I progress through the changing landscape of my life, I will do so with my eye single to my goals. I love to be in love but first I must work on me and that is exactly what I am going to do. God-willing, all of my passion for writing and all of my creative pursuits that make me feel so alive will be realized and love will find me, either way.

The Fading Night

I love to wake up in the early morning while it's still dark out. I brew a cup of coffee. Dark. Black. Stout. I sit on my balcony and wait for the sun to rise. The world is so still and so quiet. Only the breeze through the trees can be heard and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The roosters are just about ready to begin crowing but not just yet. Sometimes, on a night where the moon is full, the early morning is awash with moon beams. It casts an eerie glow across the landscape. And when the moon is absent the sky is littered with millions of stars, twinkling and shining it's dim light upon the earth. The scent of the ocean and the smell of white and yellow ginger wafts its way through the tropical air.

This is the most peaceful time of my day. I sit and ponder my mood and the ever changing circumstances of my life.

Most times, I think, "There has to be more to life than clocking in everyday."
"Surely, I was NOT born on this planet to push meaningless paperwork."

I was born to write and to create art with words on a page. I say that with extreme confidence that I am here to tell the stories that are inside of me. I was born to share my hurts and my pains, my struggles and my triumphs, my happiness and my joy. And I was made to do it in a way that is captured so genuinely and arrives on the page from someplace deep inside me, touched by the goddess within.

Every morning is like the previous, after the darkest night, the cock begins to crow announcing the imminent arrival of the morning sun. Both near and off in the distance, the rooster's bark pierces the silence of the morning. My coffee has cooled to a comfortable warmth and its stout bitterness is actually sweet on my tongue. My peaceful meditation returns to thoughts of the precarious situation called my life. In recent months, every pondering has become a struggle to understand the many changes happening to me and around me. I am in a position to make my life everything I want it to be. As exciting as that may seem, it frightens me. It calls for me to be more courageous than I have ever needed to be. The changes force me to stand erect and move in the direction of my destiny, alone, with no one to hold my hand through the painful process of CHANGE.

Seconds turn into minutes. Minutes into hours. As I look toward the east, the dark of night begins to vanish. Slowly, ever so gently, the heavens illuminate the coming of the sun. I can see a glowing ball of fire slowly breach the ocean horizon. The sun's rays turn the heavens into brilliant hues of pink and orange against the purple of the fading night. I am always silenced and awestruck by the beauty of the rising sun upon the Pacific horizon. Even as a young girl, my summer mornings were spent waking early to witness this event. Every day I knew the sun would rise and the darkness would disappear.

The world begins to come alive with sound. Several varieties of birds chirp and sing in a loud array of harmonies. They share beautiful songs of gratitude to accent the awakening earth. Ocean breezes stir the palm trees. Humans begin to stir as I start to hear the whirr sound of cars on the road. I hear my neighbors bustling in their driveways as car doors begin to open and engines start revving. And the light chatter from sleepy children and sleepier parents add to the sounds of the awakening world.

Today, unlike any other day prior, I can see my purpose so clear. It is a brand new day and a new era in the world of NeenaLove. My soul can feel my ancestors gently prodding me into the light of the morning sun. Previous lifetimes have groomed me for this moment and I welcome these changes with new courage. The heartbreak of my past will fade like the night and my sun will rise in glorious brilliance on the life that I was destined to live.

She is Back... with a Vengeance

These past couple of months have been a roller coaster of emotions. I cannot contain the myriad of feelings I have experienced.

Joy.

Pain.

Sadness.

Happiness.

Love.

Hate.

Anger.

Humility.

And now, I am adding EXCITEMENT. 

I think I am finally coming from beneath the grey skies of the break-up with my ex. Fo real, fo real. I am not just saying that like I did in previous posts. I really mean it. We really are done and because I have come to that realization, I think everything will be alright. I am not going to be bitter because if he wants to walk away from me, I respect that. It is not a judgement on my ability to be a good person. In fact, I respect that he had the courage to follow his most genuine desire and move in the direction of where he sees his life going even if it meant breaking up our marriage. Of course, it could have also gone the other way where he actually put in the work to make US work again but I will not mourn that anymore. My life is too fabulous now for me to even consider what NOT breaking up would have looked like.

I have such a clear path ahead of me and it invigorates me, it frees me, it gives me brand new eyes to see that there are an infinite number of possibilities. This is not to minimize what I had with my ex but I felt like a dog on a leash. I had/have so many dreams and ambitions that I have for myself (for us) and I just felt like he would yank it when my ideas were a little too risky. Since we have parted ways, I feel a new sense of EXCITEMENT and that little girl I was - the one that could do ANYTHING, the one with IMAGINATION and CREATIVE PASSION - she is back with a vengeance. I rise and flourish in spite of the heartache and turmoil that I am experiencing.

Other things have also synced in my life that has filled my heart with hope, EXCITEMENT, and new found joy. And I wonder how I ever did without it for so long. Sometimes it be like that.

2017 will be the best year yet. I am strong. I am powerful. I am ready!

He Is Not The Sun, You Are!

One of the yummy books I devoured this year is Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes... writer of the hit TV shows Greys Anatomy and Scandal. This is not a book review but I do have to give a shameless plug for The Year of Yes because it reminded me of one of the best episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

This post is not just for Grey's fans because I am not a die hard fan. I have not finished the series and I don't know if I ever will. Who has the time to sit through more and more of Meredith and McDreamy? I could watch Chandra Bailey do her thing as Dr. Bailey. Her character was so well written and was the one that most resonated with me. Anyway, Meredith Gray is the main character of the show. She has a hot steamy romance with Dr. Shepard, played by Patrick Dempsey. Meredith Gray's best friend is Christina Yang played by Sandra Oh.

Christina Yang is one of those girls whose mind is complete and straight logic. Anything moving away from that is utterly out of her comfort zone. She is the analytical voice always in Meredith's ear prodding her out of her emotional cravings to be needed by Dr. Shepard. In this classic Grey's episode, Christina is leaving for her dream job in Europe. They are writing her character off the show. Christina and Meredith go through this whole series of goodbyes with Christina mostly wanting to stay, to halt the inevitable GOODBYE. In typical Christina fashion, she gives the most endearing advice that gives Meredith the boost she needs to make hard decisions. Christina calmly quips, "Don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He is very dreamy but he is not the sun. YOU ARE!"
 
Every woman needs just the right words to put everything into perspective. This episode, every time I hear those words, "HE IS NOT THE SUN... YOU ARE," reminds me that my desires and ambitions are important. I remember to put me first before everyone else so that my sanity and my peace of mind are intact. How can I be of value to anyone if I am not charged up? I am the SUN! The world does revolve around me. I am a powerful woman who is worthy of all the good things in life.

Lessons From A Mother's Love

My mother would have been 68 earth years on June 5, 2016. She left this existence on 30 June 2011. I can't believe it's been almost five years. When I think on the time I had with her on this planet, I would say that my biggest regret is that I did not learn all that I could from her. She was the smartest woman I will ever know, who would "tell it like it is" and still had the biggest heart.

I find that one of the traits I have learned from her is to be brutally honest. I wasn't always that way. In fact, people used to walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness. As a young girl and on up to being an adult, I thought that being accommodating of everyone was an admirable trait. Being well-liked because I was accommodating would certainly earn me loyal friends.... but it didn't and it really doesn't. It took a long time to learn the lesson. Prior to my 40th birthday last year, the epiphany of being "too accommodating" came to an end. Specific experiences led to me penning my 40 Year Old Manifesto. I choose my own happiness above any notion of loyalty to insignificant people. I wish my mother could see this blossoming of me. She would tell me, "I told you so." And I would retort with utter disgust because she 'knows it all'.

When I think of her, I tear up just thinking of the missed lessons I should have had with her. I miss her clear wisdom and absolute distinction between right and wrong. She had a well-developed and accurate moral compass and I wish I was born with that... sometimes. I say "sometimes" because I am far too curious to limit myself to stay within the bounds that are imposed upon me by my culture and my religious upbringing. Yet, I am so very grateful for my mother's staunch perseverance in raising me to strive for holiness and purity. I have had to temper that with my wild, anarchist tendencies and am quite pleased with my unique morality. My endeavor is to see God in people, not because we are of the same culture or have the same religion but because God's light is in each of us.

I credit my mother for fostering my curious nature but also applying restraint for my safety. In many of my dark days, I could feel my mother's prayers to God. I remember a particular time when I lived in New Mexico. I had experienced a traumatic event in Hawai'i and escaped to New Mexico. I also left the island following a man I wanted to love forever. I was sitting in my apartment. It was the middle of the afternoon and a feeling of my mother's love washed over me. It was so overwhelming, so strong, and so urgent, and I could feel her arms around me. I wish I could tell her now that I felt her that day in a really moving way. These were the days before calling cards and long-distance calls were $0.25 cents a minute and up, depending on the city so I was not able to make a call to her. I will never forget that incredible rush.

I was such a wild child. Sorry, Mom! I know she was extremely worried about me. I remember one evening being in my apartment in New Mexico. It was early evening but being that it was winter, it was already dark. I heard a knock at the door. Two men dressed in white shirts and ties from the local L.D.S. ward had been sent by my mother. I look back now and think of how concerned she was about me, how worried she was for my safety, and I dare anyone to doubt her unconditional love for me. There is no parallel to a Mother's Love!

She would have been 68 this year. I have to believe that she peeks in on me from time to time and that she still prays for me and petitions the Gods for my safety. I know she sends wonderful people into my life to push and prod me to be a better me. When I meet her again, I will praise her angelic presence in my life and beg her forgiveness for my limited understanding of A Mother's Love.

i.can.do.hard.ish

Patti Austin is one of my most favorite singers of all time. She sings a song called, "If This is the Last Time." The lyrics of the song, the beautiful melody and arrangement, her soulful voice contribute to an exquisite song.



When my ex-husband and I were separating after four years of marriage, Patti's beautiful song got me through the tragedy of separation. It could have only led to divorce because of the amount of heartbreak that I felt. I am going through my old writings and am experiencing the heart ache all over again... like it's happening right now. I am so amazed that my journals can move me like this. I'm sitting in front of this computer, listening to Patti on repeat as I read through the old memories. It could never be said of me that I did not love that man. Even now, after all the pain, I can still recall so many wonderful experiences.

There's nothing, absolutely nothing, like falling in love for the first time. He was the one that I loved without inhibition. There's only one love like that. And even though I am in a very committed relationship, ten years strong, I still recall the magic of first love along with the broken heart. The pain of that first love surely makes me who I am today. That terrible heart ache broke me down but I now know the limits of my heart.

I smirk at my writing from 13 years ago and the extreme romanticism of believing that love had no limits. It could have been my young, tender age that made me such a hopeless romantic. Strewn across so many of the pages of my journals are professions of my love for my ex-husband.
"I will love you forever"
"I will always love you."
"You will always be the only one for me."
"Long as I live... you will always be... my first love."
"Only ONE man for me."
"He owns my heart."
All these professions indicate my naivete in matters of the heart at that time. I'm no guru now but I surely do know that there are just some things that I will absolutely NOT put up with. God Bless my parents and family for standing ever so patiently as I made my way through all that hard stuff. Though they tried to prevent me from having to go through it, all they could really do is sit back and let me experience life. My heart aches even now when I think of how much love I felt for that man. He was perfection to me and yet so very flawed and dysfunctional. I was lost in a crazy cycle of highs and lows.

And in all the craziness that comes with unrequited love, the best thing that emerged from that broken relationship is a stronger me:
A me that emerged, like a butterfly, from a cocoon of doubt.
A me that needed to be broken down only to realize that I was valuable even if he didn't want me.
A me that knew that him being a broken man didn't mean that I was a broken woman.
A me that still believed in love and that someone could love me with the same intensity that I offered.

Here I am. Here I stand as a testament that I can do hard shit. Excuse the language but there's just no other way to describe it. I.CAN.DO.HARD.SHIT.

'Awapuhi Memory

My mother would have been 65 this year. As the years move on past the day she departed, I long to hear her voices and I wish so hard that I had taken the time to talk to her more about her childhood. I wish I made it a point for us to travel to Samoa together when she was healthy. I know she would not want me to live with regrets so I don't. When I see her again we will speak as if we had never known any time or distance.

I went to her grave site to place some artificial flowers there. My father had already placed fresh flowers from Mother's Day and Memorial Day and we have artificial purple hydrangeas there. Purple was her favorite color. In the last years of her life, my mother made me promise that her funeral would have lots of flowers. I carried that request over. My only wish is that I had bought her flowers while she was alive.

The morning of the day she passed away, my mother woke up just before I left for work. Usually, when I would leave for work, I would look in on her to let her know my schedule for the day. She was usually still asleep and would not rise until after 9am. That morning, she was rushing to get outside and into the yard while I was getting ready for work. I was running late that morning and my ride was waiting on me in the driveway. As I was getting into her van, my mother came running to me from the side of the house. Running, as in wobbling. My mother had broken her leg several years ago and the screws in her knee made it difficult for her to get around. In her hands were stalks of white 'awapuhi ginger that she had cut from her flower patch. The smell of the 'awapuhi will always remind me of her.

She says, "Babe, here," as she attempts to hand me the stalks of ginger.

"Get a vase from the wash room and put this in your office."

In my rush to get to work and my impatience with the disruption of doing that, I tell her that I'm running late and I have to get to work. "Tomorrow," I say. "I'll take it tomorrow."

I will never forget that interaction. As I write this, I tear up thinking about moments like these.

My mother grew up in Samoa. She did not have indoor plumbing until she was well into her teen years and ready to leave home. They preferred cooking in the umu (google "umu samoa") or over an open fire. I think it is that upbringing that made her hold on to 'stuff' even if we had no immediate use for the 'stuff'. I always scolded her about hoarding things (sorry Mom for being so cheeky). Take these urns, for instance, in the pictures; these urns sat around the house for years. She had purchased them a long time ago to make floral arrangements for my great-grandmother's grave and my grand-aunt and my great-grandfather's and another aunt's grave. I hassled her constantly about getting rid of them because they were taking up space under the bathroom counter. She fussed at me for being so wasteful. I fussed back! She never did get around to using them and I'm glad because now they adorn her grave.

TBT: 1994 July 18th

TBT= Throw Back Thursday = This is a look into my written diaries from nearly two decades ago. Most of it is straight from my diary. I may have omitted a thing or two, changed a name or two, corrected grammar, added a hyperlink here and there (for context, of course) etc. etc. The general theme of who I was all those years ago are IN TACT.

* * * * * * * * * *

Monday
July 18th, 1994

Just chillin'... doin' nothin'. Trying to make this journal readable. Or at least exciting. Well, I was just talkin' to Shane about me missin' my doctors appointment this morning. I guess I was just too lazy to go. Upset about what was told to me last time and afraid of what it would show this time. You know? Well, Shane was kinda disappointed and inside I felt bad. This man cared about what's happening to me. I'm frustrated with myself for not even making and effort to go. But anyway... I'm fixin' to go to San Francisco tomorrow. Gotta get outta Hawaii. Ya know?! Get away from Thomas. Shane drives me crazy. Now I know I'm feeling too much. I can't believe I actually consented to seeing someone who already has a "FRIEND". I think I'm crazy for actually doing that. There's just too many feelings. Too much emotions to deal with. I think about him all the time. I mean, he's seeing that other girl and it's driving me nutzo. I just don't know how to tell him... I don't wanna lose him because he does want his freedom. I don't wanna tell him how I feel and get rejected. Especially now in my life, I really don't need rejection. You know, we started with an agreement that we'd be free from those unnecessary bonds. I mean we'd be free to see who we wanted to. I mean there'd be no problems. But now it's so different. I fell different! But if committment and love come into the picture right now, I think I'd put a strain on it. A strain on our friendship. There's already enough pressures on it anyway. In the very beginning, the both of us wanted to get away from the committment thing. The both of us had Fatal Attractions stalking us. I had Thomas. He had that girl he's still seeing. Things just ain't right. I wish sometimes that I never got involved in an awkward relationship such as this one. Like I said, too much feelings!

* * * * * * * * * *

 

A pic of my diary where today's blog post was lifted from. The poems in this post are actually in my diary.

END NOTE: A dear friend of mine wrote the poem, A Fathers Love and Knowledge. I wrote the other one in response to the emotions that arise from rape. I viewed myself as fairly innocent prior to being raped. Even though I had been sexually active and drank and cursed like a sailor, I never felt as dirty as I did in the days and weeks following the rape. I look back at all of this and try not to judge the little girl that I was. I cringe at some of the things that my-little-girl self thought was important back then. I can't believe the things that I put up with in the budding relationship between Shane and I. She was, I am, a work in progress.... always!

Birthday Reflections

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday. This year has been a year of changes. So last birthday was the first one I spent without my mother. I miss her dearly and can't believe it's been more than a year since she's been gone. Wow. Time flies!

My day began at the fitness center, putting in my 40-minute workout. I weighed myself in and lost 3.5 lbs since Wednesday. Amazing! A recent health scare is begging attention. My extra pounds is causing all kind of havoc in my body. The biggest concern: Type 2 Diabetes. Consequently, Type 2 Diabetes contributes to my issues with fertility. I visited an infertility specialist at the end of July and she confirmed my suspicions. My ovaries suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So -- all my extensive rants over the years about losing weight MUST happen here and now. I want to increase the quality of my life as I age.

After the fitness center, husband and I had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays -- who can pass up the salad bar and the marvelous pumpernickel croutons? I ordered the petite sirloin with steamed broccoli and mashed cauliflower. That was the first time I had mashed cauliflower and I thoroughly enjoyed. It's low on the carb scale. That is my goal: to reduce my intake of carbs. I've been doing a lot of reading on reducing carbs in my diet. This does not mean that I will increase my protein calories. In fact, I  am going to limit my protein also. 75% of my plate will be veggies; a salad, a steamed veggie + a protein, preferably fish, chicken, or turkey. It's so time to make changes!

**SPOILER ALERT**
After lunch, we were just in time to catch the matinee showing of Total Recall. I loved it! I just love how the creative team behind the movie imagined the future. The gadgets made me slightly nauseous because of the implications of that type of technology in the modern era. There was this cylinder that gets shot into the room. Attached to the cylinder are like 40 mini cameras that disperse once the cylinder lodges into an object. The 40 cameras spray into the room in every direction, lodges itself in whatever is around and starts sending a signal back to whoever shot the cylinder. Spooky but so imaginative and useful in military arts. The movie also presents a cell phone that is inserted beneath the skin in the palm of your hand. So weird! You can put your hand up to a glass and it projects an image of whoever it is you are talking to. Wow!

The action was great also. The chase scenes and the gun scenes were fantastic. On top of that is the psycho manipulation stuff. What's real and what is "recall"?

I loved seeing two of the Underworld actors show up in the movie: Kate Beckinsale (villain) and Bill Nighy (he actually played a hero in this movie rather than the villain).

Overall, I really enjoyed it. Science Fiction is still one of my favorite genres. It has to be good though. Some of the stuff on SyFy is way too cheesy.

**SPOILER END**

I ended off my day with a barbecue at home. My brother, sis-in-law, and cuzzy Mahea made all kinds of delicious stuff for the grill. Awesome, I tell ya! We watched the Womens 100m final. Boy was that a race!

This year I hope to be the healthiest I have ever been. I hope to write my first novel and publish it (self-publish if I have to). This year I want financial freedom -- debt free by next years birthday, God-willing!

Happy 37th Birthday to Me!