Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Need to De Stress

I told myself that I would blog at least three times a week this year. I have failed miserably in this area.

Writing is something I love to do. My diary has also suffered from my lack of desire to sit down and right. One of the ways I destress has always been writing. Now, in one of the most difficult times of my life, I have yet to sit down and sort it all out. In my 20's and part of my 30's, I used alcohol and cigarettes to ease my pains. It was definitely a way for me to relax and slow down and get my mind off the world. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I think of my former life so often.

When my ex-husband and I finally parted ways after being separated for 2 years, my normal routine was to drink as soon as I got off work. And I didn't just have a beer or a cocktail, a meal, and call it a day. NOPE. A dear friend and I would turn the cocktail and meal into a party even if it ended up just being us at the house. We would drink, drown in our sorrows a little then call some guy friends that we had met over the weekend. LUSH. Plain and simple, we were LUSH.

I often think about the rush I got from the alcohol. The feel-good, feel-invincible, feel-unbreakable, feel-alive feeling -- I miss that. Though I could never and will never characterize myself as being depressed, if I ever did feel depressed, I imagine that it would feel like how I've been feeling lately.

I miss my moms, no doubt. But it's not just the missing her that leaves me in a funk. It's also the aftermath of her leaving. The aftermath consists of the following:
1. My father, the lonely widower.
2. My two young brothers - one just turned 18, the other just turned 14.
3. My duties as a diligent and dutiful daughter has left much to be desired by my husband.
4. Having to take over the duties of paying the bills for the household;

I'm kind of burnt out and I have no outlet anymore. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel a little STUCK.

I have my own dreams and desires to do big things. Big, for me, at least. There are things that I'd like to do that are just for me. Thus, I think of the alcohol and the backyard barbecues and the sweet release that comes from destressing.

What to do? What to do?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thoughts of Her

The thought of my mother pops into my head on many occasions. It will be in random moments when her memory is least expected.

In a sea of Red at a Kahuku High School football game

While playing sudoku on my phone

Looking at a Facebook picture that I uploaded several weeks ago that my father commented on saying, "No one mourns her loss more than me."

Looking at an unkempt yard

Looking at an immaculate kitchen or a spotless living room

I miss her.

I miss her everyday and it seems like I miss her more as time passes.

Things that she's taught me seems to make complete sense now. While she was here, I seemed to fight against her wisdom and logic.

She lives on in me in a way that I thought I would never appreciate. All her countless hours of tireless, patient teaching has affected me so profoundly.

These past few days, I've been fighting a cold. When I was at my worse, I instantly thought of the many times my mother bathed and nurtured me as a child. No doubt, I took her for granted while she was here on the earth. For that, I regret every moment I spent fighting against her wisdom.

And yet, it is in our disagreements that I have come to continually discover "ME".

My mother is one of my greatest teachers and I look forward to reuniting with her.... I know when I do see her again, it will be like no time at all had passed.

Please grant me the endurance to get through this lifetime relatively quickly and full of lasting memories as I journey toward my next lifetime... ever searching to meet with HER again.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Closed In

Sometimes I feel so trapped.

I wonder if other people in the world feel like that.

I truly long for a life without restraint. Does that make sense?

The structure of trying to be the way society wants us to be makes me a little numb. Attempting to fit into someone's view of how my life should be makes me feel...
it makes me feel...

No. It's not my marriage that makes me feel so confined. My husband truly is my best friend. It's other things... things that will not make one bit of difference at the end of my life.

So why do I continue to follow it?

**heavy sigh**

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


Has marriage become obsolete?

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine. We were discussing the nuptials of a couple who knew each other a few weeks before they decided to "take the plunge". Dear friend had the opinion that the couple just wanted to have sex and that is the reason they decided to marry. Due to personal commitment and religious belief, the couple had not consummated until after the marriage vows were taken. Dear friend thinks that marrying for sex is all wrong.

What is the purpose of marriage?

What are the reasons that leads a person/persons to marriage?

Is sex a good enough reason to marry? Why or why not?

What is a good reason to marry?

I think that any two people can have a successful marriage without having known each other very long. Two people must have the same commitment level, the same goals in terms of living a good life, and most of all the couple must be willing to make the marriage/relationship work. Love is not necessarily a component, in my opinion, in building a successful marriage. In fact, the love tends to come after many years.

Husband and I are creeping up on 8 years on Monday the 14th. I can honestly say that we are finally rounding the corner to where we step into semi-bliss. I only say "semi" because there's bound to be a couple of bumps in the road in our future. However, we have formed a cohesive bond that allows us to operate as a single entity yet maintain separate identities. We have grown together through these 8 years and I feel so blessed to have a strong and intelligent man to travel this life with. We are two peas in a pod.

The emotion that we think is love in the beginning stages of a relationship is more than likely just infatuation. We are enamored with the idea of being in love and of spending forever with our love interest. It prompts us to make commitments that we normally wouldn't under different circumstances. I've told the story at least a dozen times on this blog about how my husband and I met and married 7 months later. As I look back, I can't believe that we even waited that long.

I notice the current trend with adults is to discard marriage altogether. Has marriage lost its appeal? I have an aunt who is adamant about never marrying again. She's been single for a relatively long time. She doesn't like having to answer to someone or ask permission of someone; not that marriage requires it but it makes the relationship work better. I can see her point and should my husband and I not work or he pass before me, I probably will not ever marry again. I too would rather not have to "answer to" anyone.

So has the current young adult/ adult population outgrown the "institution" of marriage?

Why are gay people in such a hurry for something that hetero's are disregarding altogether?

If marriage is a spiritual and emotional commitment to another, why does one need the STATE to recognize it?

Dear friend of mine that started this whole conversation is still single. I'm curious as to why she's not in a hurry to marry. Many young people are not even flirting with the idea. I think I was looking to marry as soon as I left high school. I was searching for LOVE and someone to love me enough to marry me and commit his life to me. I just don't see that in young people today. No one is in a rush.

What is truly the status of marriage in modern America?