Sending Love in the Face of Goodbye

My ex-husband was my favorite subject for photographing. I loved taking his picture. In our travels, he always looked so international and I loved that about him and about us. I once thought that there was no one in this whole entire world that I would rather trot the globe with. He is thoroughly as unafraid of foreign destinations as I am. In our adventures together, I have photographed him in beautiful settings. Urban. Cultural. Scenic. I will miss that since we no longer have any association.

I will miss how mobile he and I were. His health and fitness and mine made us ideal companions. We used to take long hikes, vigorous hikes, all in the name of health and wellness. We traveled all over the world together and I thought, for sure, that this journey would last a lifetime. God knows I miss him but I will never let him see me cry again. One day he might regret walking away from US or he might not. Either way, I am okay with how things are turning out because all I have to worry about is ME and only ME now.

One day, when I'm not so sad from our break up, I will be able to look back at us with fondness. For the most part, I do appreciate the time we have shared. I appreciate the good times we've had together. I will always remember the fiery passion we had in the beginning. Flames were so hot that it had me marrying him just seven months after meeting him and we lasted thirteen years. We have done so many different things together. We've shared experiences together that I will probably never share with another. His strength, his concern for me (when we were happy), his handsome face and beautiful body is imprinted on my memory. 

I will miss his family. I felt so connected to them the minute I met them. When my ex was deployed to Iraq, I would visit my in-laws without him. I would drive down to Alabama and spend time there. My ex mother-in-law would call me and check on me all the time. I have met his extended family also and already miss them so much. From Oklahoma to Alabama, I know them all. I always looked forward to visiting my in-laws in Alabama. I always feel so spoiled when I'm out there. I could sleep all day if I wanted to. I could lock myself in the room and watch T.V. all day or write. I will miss my father-in-law's cooking. He knew what my favorite dishes were and would always fix it for me. Low Country Boil was ALWAYS on the menu. Of course I would have to bake while I was there. Sometimes I'd make my father's famous bean soup for them. They loved that. **heavy sigh**

Tomorrow, we take care of one of the last pieces of business between us. We sign closing documents on the sale of our house. When he called me to confirm the appointment, I started to tear up after we hung up the phone. And then the flow of tears came gushing as I remembered our life together. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life and when he was happy, it was so magical to see him laughing and joking. We will always have this special time in our lives to look back on. Though I look forward with excitement at the road ahead of me, a part of me will always think back on what could have been between us.

I don't have a relationship to run to. I don't want to run into a new relationship. What I want is to discover me again; to be the girl that I was before this marriage. I love the freedom I have experienced since me and the ex split. I feel so free and so mobile. I have traveled more in the last five months than I have throughout our marriage and I love that. I have always wanted to feel this free - free to do whatever my heart desires. I want to date and have fun and not be so concerned about any particular significant other. I have been in relationships since I was 18 years old. I met my ex-ex-husband when I was 18. From day one that we met, it quickly blossomed into love. It was very apparent that it was going that route. And I waited for him. Waited three years til he was ready to marry me. After six years of marriage, he called it quits and I jump into the marriage that just ended. So I think I'm done, for now, with serious relationships. I just want to be free.

As I get ready to work up the nerve to see my ex-husband tomorrow, I think of how much I have grown in the past couple of months. I hope that he has grown as well. I send him love and light and all the happiness that one can hold to sustain him through life's meandering roads.

Anonymous Love Letter : Ridiculous Edition

Dear Love,

Today we closed a door.

It frees you to be the man you always wanted to be for her. She is so blessed to have your heart the way she does. Though we made a mistake by opening a pandora's box with whatever we have done, in the end, your decision to recommit to her is admirable and so precious. I don't know why we complicate our lives with distractions from things that really matter.

Here and now, we say goodbye. Though I feel my heart breaking all over again, I knew that this thing we had had an expiration date. I look ahead to whatever is on the horizon for me. My unwritten future is wide open and I welcome all of God's abundance into my life. I open my heart again to chase forever, alone.

My wish for you is that you will find happiness and joy;
that you will rededicate yourself to loving her the way she deserves to be loved;
that you will put in the time, your heart, your soul into making love last forever.

I smile as I think of how fortunate she is to have a man that recognizes his error and chooses to recommit. It is a beautiful thing to witness.

So today and forever, know that I have always seen through your facade and into your beautiful soul. I have always seen you as a beautiful expression of God's genius. I will carry the memory of us all the days of my life. Live well and take care of yourself.

Love,


NeenaLove

Gestures, Being Alone, & Goodbye

I was seated on a flight, on my way back to Honolulu via Minneapolis via Los Angeles. Next to me was a couple who looked about my age. The wife is not feeling well. Her husband reaches over and rubs her back. The gesture is so simple and so thoughtful and has me wondering when my ex-husband stopped feeling that way about me. It would be easier for me to transition to single life if I would just stop imagining and making up stories in my head. I have a difficult time with that right now. My broken heart is still so fresh.

I don't like to think that I am defined by my relationship but as I review the last 13 years, I have done just that. What I really need is to be alone and not jump into another relationship so quickly. I need to "do me" for a minute before I let anyone back into my world. And yet I love to be in love. I love the feeling of butterflies in my belly.

Whoever "she" is, I hope she's good to him because he walked away from 13 years of marriage for a few weeks of flirting. I get it. It's exciting to have someone pique your interest. When guys would approach or flirt with me, I never acted on any of it but unfortunately he is. No one could ever doubt my loyalty. Sometimes, in a relationship, people have to push through the times when it's difficult to even like each other. This past year, he and I were both unhappy. He told me that he didn't want to waste anymore time or realize twenty years from now that he was unhappy the entire time.

My heart is so broken that he would treat me with such little regard after all that we have been through. He will never, ever have the opportunity to be with me again. Never. All the overly-romanticized sentiments of new heartache and professions of loving him forever are misplaced affection and I am done. Goodbye.

Today, I choose to care for my own heart and stop worrying about being a good wife or good woman. The best woman I can be is the one that lives my most empowered life. When he witnesses the magnitude of my life and the strength and power of my words, he will realize how small he is in comparison. And we both will understand why we could NEVER BE. Why his light could not match mine. Why the smallness of his mind could not realize how open my mind is to the wide expanse of the universe. My life is powerful and will fill the world with beautiful stories and emotions from words on a page and he will move forward as he always has... short-sighted vision.

My star is rising.
And I will walk this path all by myself.
Alone.

Fa Real... Goodbye!

I've said it before but I really mean it today. Goodbye!

Fa real this time. No games. No questions. It may not be forever. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? What I KNOW today is that I cannot and refuse to live my life in two worlds.

I say goodbye to a string of heartache and trade it for REAL commitment. I trade "the life" for peace of mind. There is no battle anymore about old loyalties and sacred vows. My eyes, our eyes are ever focused on the same goals and that has made all the difference. So today, I really mean it, Goodbye!

I really do hope you find happiness. I have never wanted anything less for you. I have always told you that I want you to be happy even if it meant that happiness would lead you away from me. And it did. Well, as it turns out, the grass wasn't greener on the other side because you came back to me, hoping I'd take you back as I always have before. But I didn't! After you put me on the selling block, I loosed myself from the shackles that weighed me down.... and didn't turn back. So today... though I've said it before -- I really mean GOODBYE.

Though I credit you for teaching me so much and being there for me through some of my darkest days, the counter balance is that you have hurt me also. I'm not angry about having experienced all the pain and heartache because it has only prepared me to accept and appreciate the goodness I enjoy today.

It wasn't all hurt, you have put smiles on my face many times. Do you remember that Valentines Day... we got ready to go out but ended up slow dancing in our living room all evening long. We had champagne flutes filled with Becks beer. We ended up making love on the living room floor. Every single time we made love was magic even the time when I knew it was OVER. I cried when we were done because I knew in my heart that our chaotic love affair was finished. So, though I knew back then that we were through, though I've said goodbye a thousand times before.... today, I really mean it!

Goodbye.